Lewis Black | 12/8/18 Kansas City MO: Peanut Butter

I'm reading this because it really is the the amount of hate in this over nothing is just splendid because this is where hate should go hate doesn't go to another person okay hate goes to inanimate objects that with you hate goes to that phone where it's like you know you're just right push a button number three if you wish to speak to an orthopedic surgeon contempo yeah that's where hate goes it doesn't go to the person sitting next to you the person across the street it goes it goes to inanimate objects that drive you crazy this is from Bill this tale will shock you it'll make you weep and wail with anguish as you shake your fist into heavens that Shakespeare ASL has nothing on this I know you like to stand free Rach but it might be good idea to sit down for this one no I like to go to the store early to avoid all the you know the ones who act like the time work took them out of 1980s communist Russia and dropped them in the middle of the grocery store with more food than they've ever seen in their entire life everything was going fine I breezed through the store in record time got everything I needed and even had an easy time driving back little did I know I was about to be blindsided by a catastrophe of epic proportions I was unpacking my last bag it was a jar of peanut butter Smuckers natural peanut butter I find it's a peanut butters on the market not because I'm some nut job who can only free-range non-gmo you make peanuts but because the ingredients are peanuts and a dash of salt why would you need anything else in your peanut butter I don't know the answer to that which is why I buy Smuckers natural this book the char out of the bag gaze at my beloved peanut butter I noticed something something was wrong the top of the peanut butter wasn't a smooth landscape of pristine smash peanuts untouched by human hands no one of those Smuckers of the factory had made a miniature diorama of the Normandy beaches in my jaw with sharp jagged shapes spiking out of the peanut butter this could only mean one thing chunky peanut butter chunky peanut butter are you me who the eats this stuff I wanted the smooth texture of a finely crushed nut not the rocky road of peanut butters god damn it chunky peanut butter that's that peanut butter that's work in progress if I turn that into a teacher they marketed complete even Chrysler and GM have the decency to pretend and make it look like they're selling you a finished product you didn't finish the job you didn't finish the job you're Smuckers and you were supposed to finish smashing all the peanuts before you put them in the jar that's what I paid you for you if I wanted chunky peanut butter I'd buy my own peanuts / with my forehead until I passed out son of a the only people who like Chuck me peanut butter sociopath and those highway construction workers who never finish building the roads fucking-a now if they eat an entire jar of their shed I'm not taking this back to the store I already took the little plastic thing off the top of the jar there's no way they're taking the back without that I can try but I know they're gonna think I'm doing some weird Unabomber that put something in theirs as if eating pretty junky peanut butter wasn't enough to kill a man god damnit I take it outside and run over a couple of times to finish my job if I wasn't concerned about shredding my wheels with a jagged on Smuckers gave me side of a bed looks looks like I have only one option left to me look the way I see it my only option is to take the entire jar of peanut butter scoop it out onto my granite countertop and smash the trunky piece of peanuts chunky pieces with my face until either it or my head turns to mush it's a win-win if I survive my ordeal I'll have the smooth peanut butter that every god-fearing blue American would be proud to eat if I die well at least I don't have to live in a world where make chunky peanut butter see you on the other side from Bill in Chicago thank you Bill thank you all

Channel: Lewis Black

Views: 585,892

Keywords: peanut butter

Id: 5U66KlqJPGo

Length: 5min 45sec (345 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 24 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/PurpEL]

"Even Chrysler and GM have the decency to pretend to make it look like they are selling you a finished product" is my favourite line

[u/wilhelm44]

That bit made me laugh out loud for the first time in a long time.

[u/Sleightly_Awkward]

I love chunky peanut butter, but that was hilarious.

[u/skittledick69]

That was awesome.

​

[u/ArdentWolf42]

This is what I aspire to be when I’m older. An angry man, ranting bout BS food products.

[u/Scout_022]

my little cousin, who was about 8 years old at the time, described chunky fuck peanut butter in a way that so impressed me I still use it to this day. she called it "the peanut butter with rocks in it".

full disclosure, I actually like chunky fuck peanut butter

[u/soomuchcoffee]

The other day I bought a couple of cans of tuna to make sandwiches for my work lunches for the week. I think I paid five bucks for four cans. Which seems like a lot for fish in a can, but hey. I like tuna sandwiches.

So the next night I have a moment. My small children are asleep. My oldest, who is almost three, didn't call for me from her bed. No chorus of "DAAAAAAADEEEEE" so that I will come upstairs and give her a new book and tuck her back in. She is just asleep.

Little man, only 5 months, is out cold.

The house is clean...I mean, clean for two kids and two working parents...but clean. The counter is clean, dishes in the dishwasher. I cleaned the stove top for fucks sake.

I had a moment of "Wow, you know, I feel pretty adult right now. My shit is figured the fuck out."

Oh, but the universe cannot stand for this.

The universe could sense my fleeting, uncharacteristic moment of no self hate and pounced on me.

I examine the can of tuna.

"FRESH TUNA PACKED IN..........OIL."

Gone was my self confidence.

DID I BUY FUCKING CAT FOOD!? WHY IS IT IN OIL? CAN I EVEN EAT THIS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE THIS. GOD DAMN IT CANNED TUNA INDUSTRY, YOU BITTER MISTRESS!

Who is tuna, packed in oil and then pasteurized, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK, even for? Sea captains? Doomsday preppers? THE AMISH? IT FUCKING BETTER BE CUZ THIS SHIT IS WILDLY UNNECESSARY.

You know how hard it is to make a fish, pickle, and mayo sandwich MORE unappealing?

PACK THE OLD FUCK FISH IN FAT GOOP.

WHY!? FUCKING WHY!?

Anyway, I just drained it and ate it. It was $5.

I did not die. But I remain unhappy.

[u/Cadwae]

The only real answer: Chunky is good for PB&J ad it gives more substance to the sandwich and makes it more filling, IMO. Creamy is good for everything else like celery and carrots and all that. Chunky is an option that I'm fine if you disagree with, but it is a good substitute in a PB&J if you don't like creamy peanut butter, jelly, and soft bread and want some heft and crunch to your sandwich. But I'm also a very texture based eater so it might just suite better.

[u/Monkeyfeng]

I love chunky peanut butter. BITE ME!