Leaving a Narcissist- Biggest & Most Common Mistake

hello my name is michelle and you're watching from surviving to thriving today i just wanted to do a really casual video talking about one of the biggest and yet most common mistakes that so many people including myself wind up facing after leaving a relationship with a narcissist i want to talk about this because not only is it the biggest mistake but because of how frequent and how common so many people fall into the trap of it and hopefully by hearing this maybe some can learn from the mistakes of us who have made them prior so what happens when you first learn that you're in an abusive relationship that you're in a relationship with somebody that either has npdu or would rate really high on the scale of narcissism you get that aha moment the light bulb goes off and all of a sudden everything makes sense what what you spent years feeling confused about is clear as day once you really understand what's going on so often times or i should say always what happens is the person begins um a a research an addiction to researching what's going on you research npd's you find out all the tactics you spend weeks maybe months going oh my goodness that's exactly what happened to me uh being validated by other people's stories learning and you're just your life suddenly makes sense some people when they realize they're in an abusive relationship make a decision to leave in order to protect themselves if that's the case and you have this newfound knowledge your life is making sense the biggest mistake that many people fall into is they think that they can show others this uh information and that other people are going to see it just the same way and they're going to get it and they're going to listen and they're going to validate you as well and they're going to be there for you and support you and that doesn't happen i say it's the biggest mistake because not only does it backfire on you in the sense that people don't believe it but if you're still at the brand new stages of recovery and you are faced with the fact that you're finally sharing truth after years of playing up to the narcissist act that you the role that you were forced to be in for whatever amount of years you're finally speaking truth and people refuse to believe it that can send a person back into starting to doubt themselves again that's what's the biggest mistake because it can cause you to think okay i thought this made sense the light bulb went off but why am i the only one that sees it maybe there really is something wrong with me maybe it is my fault and you start thinking that way in a way that could possibly keep you in an abusive cycle longer so that's the danger of sharing um this truth and having it not believed by others by people close to you by family members but there's also another reason why i consider this one of the biggest mistakes um trying to expose the truth for the first time especially when you finally realize it's the truth and you want to share you want to explain to people why you've changed why you used to be this kind of person and now you're this kind of person and and why you never send anything in and you just want to explain everything and it's a mistake because the narcissist as even though you understand what's going on it doesn't change the fact that the narcissist is an expert manipulator and has the ability to have other people fooled even if they can't keep you fooled and they know how to play their cards when everything flips a lot of people that wind up trying to expose the narcissist aren't aware of just how powerful the reality that the narcissist portrays to others how powerful it is how powerfully they portray it so that others truly believe it you can have all the proof in the world and people will still hold on to it and that's really um that's really difficult to deal with when you're very newly understanding that you've been abused that this is a toxic relationship so why or how i should say how is the narcissist able to do it let's say for example recently i had a subscriber who actually was able to record her husband verbally abusive being verbally abusive exposing who he really was behind closed doors now this is a person that she sees on an everyday basis that nobody else sees and she was able to record him and try to show her adult children this video and some of their friends in common and nobody believed her not only did they not believe her but she actually was painted as the problem or the problematic person the one causing the problems and the true abuser was viewed as the victim how is a narcissist able to do that well when a narcissist is caught in that kind of a situation where yes they lost it it's on videotape you cannot deny the abuse that was administered the narcissist will then play the victim as if the other person pushed them to that point and how awful they feel and they're so sorry they'll apologize to their friends i am so sorry that she or he is exposing this video um they're constantly pushing me to the point and trying to get me to do something and then when i explode trying to make me look back i don't know why she wants to make me look so bad in front of my friends i don't know why she wants people to take sides they'll say something like even if we wind up splitting nobody should take sides nobody should feel forced to do that you know everyone should um just continue to love her the way she is and love me and and the family and not bring everyone involved into it now when somebody that's been caught being abusive acts like that it takes the focus off of what how they were acting towards the person they were abusing and everyone's saying wow look you know he's recognizing his mistake he's saying that you know he just wants peace and everyone has a moment of slip up and because this image that they're seeing is something they've never seen before it's a side of this person they've never seen before they can chalk it up to a one-time event and then when the narcissist continues to say she's continually trying to make me look bad and get and trying to ruin my reputation and trying to make my life miserable anytime the victim tries to seek help or validation people think of what the ex said and they think oh this is exactly what he said she's trying to ruin his reputation i don't want to get involved and so the victim winds up with no support and feeling like the bad guy feeling like the person that did something wrong so what do you do what are you supposed to do when you finally realize that you've been in an abusive situation the whole world is fooled because because the abuse is always behind closed doors if you're dealing with a covert narcissist and not only is the abuse always behind closed doors but you have been a participant in hiding it and i say that because i've been through the same thing i understand what it's like to play a role that somebody kind of makes you feel forced to have to play and you shine that image with that person even though you know deep down that it's it's a false image so what do you do i encourage anyone that is recently in this situation or newly i should say newly in this situation to focus on you don't focus on exposing the other person don't focus so much on whether or not other people believe you or not in the end you're going to find who really is your friend who really supports you in the end it regardless of what you do the most important person to focus on is yourself and if you have children and what i mean by that is instead of trying to show how abusive he is focus on how emotionally together you are becoming and i say becoming because if you've been with a narcissist for a long time you have you're not emotionally together you are little by little have been chipped away you have been eroded your self-esteem has been eroded decaying and you've been erased so rather than trying in that state of mind to show what the narcissist is or isn't take that time and energy to focus on you putting yourself back together building yourself back up because in the end the more together you are truth eventually comes out now does that mean everyone will believe it no but the most important people will believe it and if you thought people were important and they don't believe it then they aren't as important as you thought and you have to cut those ties you'll have to cut you'll have to cut close ties with anyone that is not supportive of you because when you're first out of a toxic relationship like i said you're in pieces you're fragmented and you need people that are going to help put you together not tear you apart so focus on yourself recognize that with time everything comes out even if it's to prove that you are okay you are a good person you are nothing that that your ex is trying to prove you to be because one of the ways that the narcissist is able to get people to believe them is by pointing out how messed up and crazy you are and if you've been with a narcissist they have lived every day of their life with you making you or at least trying to mold you to be more crazy more messed up more emotionally unstable than the day before and so when you leave them they point that out to people look at how emotionally unstable look at how she reacts look at how she does this or that meanwhile you're suffering ptsd you have anxiety because of the high levels of stress you're you have adrenal fatigue your fight and flight systems are all messed up so yes you're not yourself the narcissist knows that and uses that against you so once again instead of focusing your energies on exposing them for the truth take that time to put yourself back together strengthen yourself and surround yourself with people that support you and love you and remember this as long as you know the truth you don't need everyone to believe it in order for it to be true you know you don't need everyone to believe that you have been abused for you to recognize and give yourself the validation that you have been abused you don't need everyone to side with you to feel like you made the right decision to cut off any uh toxicity out of your life you don't need that sometimes as codependents we think we need people's approval we we need their backing in order to feel like we're doing the right thing but once we are strong enough to realize that our reality is intact we recognize what happened all you really need is your self love and self support your own personal conviction and that's it you don't need your ex to admit anything you don't need people that thought he was the perfect person to flip their opinion of him you don't need that in order to move forward and heal so make sure you take the time to put yourself back together take that focus off of the narcissist because trust me if you've been in a relationship with a narcissist your whole focus has been on them long enough you've been on the on the bottom of your own personal list of your your own personal list of priorities for far too long make your own uh personal healing your internal journey uh getting yourself back together your priority and focus on that and whatever happens and whatever other people believe that's up to them and you'll know in the end who your real friends are

Channel: Michele Lee Nieves Coaching

Views: 166,223

Keywords: leaving narcissistic husband, leaving a narcissist, leaving a covert narcissist, leaving narcissistic family, what happens when you leave narcissist, narcissist and smear campaign, narcissist discard phase, narcissit and discard, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic husband, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissist relationship, married to narcissist, how to divorce narcissist, how to leave narcissist, how to divorce narcissistic husband

Id: 6UOTXsCLVME

Length: 14min 16sec (856 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 10 2017