♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. EASTER IS NEXT WEEKEND WHEN WE
CELEBRATE JESUS' MIRACULOUS RISING BY GOING TO BRURCH AND
SEEING IF WE CAN STILL STAND UP AFTER A BOTTOMLESS MIMIMOSSA AND
WAFFLE BAR. THERE ARE PLENTY OF PAINTED
EGGS, CHOCOLATES, AND ALSO EASTER CARDS. BUT ALL GREETING CARDS HAD TO
START SOMEWHERE AND THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THEM DON'T ALWAYS NAIL
IT ON THE FIRST TRY. WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE
TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT, "FIRST
DRAFTS." >> NO, NO! STUPID! ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, FOR ALL FIRST DRAFTS, I NEED A VOLUNTEER
FROM THE AUDIENCE. AND THE ONLY AUDIENCE I EVER
HAVE ANY MORE AND THE ONLY ONE I WILL EVER NEED IS MY WIFE, EVIE. EVIE, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BEING HERE. >> HERE I AM AGAIN. >> Stephen: I HAVE AN EASTER
PRESENT FOR YOU. I'M SURE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
COMING. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HERE ARE MIMOSAS. THERE YOU GO. >> THAT'S SO EXCITING! >> Stephen: I CAN'T TELL IT'S
EITHER EASTER OR MOTHER'S DAY. ONE OF THOSE TWO. SHALL WE? >> YES. >> Stephen: AHHH! WELL. >> THAT'S GOOD. >> Stephen: ISN'T THAT TASTY. YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS, EVIE,
YOU'VE BEEN HERE MANY TIMES. >> I DO. I'M A PRO. >> Stephen: WE'RE GOING TO
SHOW YOU SOME GREAT EASTER CARDS AND THE NOT-SO-GREAT FIRST
DRAFTS. WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING ON TO
THAT ONE RIGHT HERE. I'LL MOVE THIS SO WE DON'T SPILL
ANYTHING. FIRST OF ALL, I KNOW EASTER IS
MAYBE YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY, RIGHT? >> I LOVE EASTER, YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU LIKE
ABOUT IT, EV? >> ASIDE FROM, YOU KNOW, CHRIST
HAS RIZEN AND ALL THAT? >> Stephen: OBVIOUSLY,
OBVIOUSLY, OBVIOUSLY, AND THEN WE ALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE AND
THAT KIND OF STUFF. >> THERE'S CANDY. >> Stephen: THERE'S CANDY, AND
IT'S SPRING. >> SPRINGTIME. >> Stephen: CAN I HAVE THE
FIRST CARD? HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS:
THAT IS NICE. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID:
SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE. SORRY ABOUT THE LANGUAGE. >> THE TRUTH HURTS. >> Stephen: IT'S NOT ABOUT
YOU. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. I WOULD NEVER CALL YOU THAT
WORD. >> I HOPE NOT. >> Stephen: I WOULD NOT. >> WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE THING
ABOUT EASTER? >> Stephen: MY FAVORITE THING
ABOUT EASTER, THE CHOCOLATE? I GAVE UP CHOCOLATE THIS YEAR. >> I FORGOT THAT. >> Stephen: FOR LENT. THAT'S HOW HOLY I AM. I GAVE UP CHOCOLATE. WHAT DID YOU GIVE UP? <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
DID YOU NOT GIVE UP ANYTHING? IS THAT WHAT I'M FINDING OUT
THAT YOU DIDN'T GIVE UP ANYTHING. >> WELL, I MEAN --
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU GIVE UP? >> I MEAN, ALCOHOL, MAYBE. >> Stephen: NO, YOU DIDN'T. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE RIGHT NOW. >> WELL, I MEAN, YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: "YOU KNOW" WHAT? >> IT'S BEEN A HARD YEAR! I THINK WE GAVE UP HUGS. WE GAVE UP KISSES. WE GAVE UP EVERYTHING. I DIDN'T NEED TO GIVE UP
ANYTHING ELSE. IT WAS HARD! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
>> Stephen: I'M JUST SAYING, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO HAS TO FACE
YOUR MAKER. NOT ME. OKAY? HERE'S ONE:
THAT'S THE KIND YOU LIKE. THAT'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY. BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID:<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> >> I LIKE THAT IT'S SHELLY. I GET THE WHOLE-- I GET THE
WHOLE SHELL YOU. >> Stephen: GET THE WHOLE
IDEA? I'M GOING TO HAVE SOME OF MINE. THIS RIGHT HERE. >> YOU CERTAINLY DID NOT GIVE UP
ALCOHOL FOR LENT, DID YOU. >> Stephen: NO. ON ASH WEDNESDAY I SAID I'M
GIVING UP ALCOHOL. THAT LASTED UNTIL THE EVENING
AND I SAID CHOCOLATE IS ALSO GOOD TO GIVE UP. HERE'S A SWEET CARD: BUT THE
FIRST DRAFT READ: HERE'S A SWEET CARD: BUT THE
FIRST DRAFT READ: <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
IT'S TRUE. THAT IS I A WARNING. WE'RE NOT CUTTING THIS JOKE
BECAUSE IT IS NOT A JOKE. IT IS A WARNING TO EVERYONE OUT
THERE WHO HAS A PET RABBIT. WE HAD A PET RABBIT. >> YEAH, WE DID. >> Stephen: WE DID. >> BUT WE DIDN'T FEED HIM
CHOCOLATE. >> Stephen: NO, WE DIDN'T. WE DID OTHER THINGS. DO YOU WANT TO GET INTO IT, MISS
JUDGMENT OVER HERE? >> WE BROKE HIS LEG. >> Stephen: WE DID NOT BREAK
HIS LEG. WE LOST HIS LEG. SHALL WE TELL EVERYBODY? >> YEAH. >> Stephen: OKAY, SO THERE WAS
A BUNNY NAMED-- >> BUNNY, I THINK, OR RABBIT. >> Stephen: A RABBIT NAMED
BUNNY. >> WE WERE FOSTERING HIM. >> Stephen: WE WERE FOSTERING
BECAUSE THE OWNER OF THE RABBIT WENT TO COLLEGE AND I A
FIRSTHAND CHILD SAID, "WILL YOU HOLD ON TO MY RABBIT." AND WE SAID SURE. WE HAD THE BUNNY IN OUR BASEMENT
FOR HOW LONG? >> A YEAR. >> Stephen: A YEAR. HE LOVED THE OUTSIDE, YOU KNOW,
AND WE HAD A LOVELY RABBIT-PROOF FENCE AROUND OUR VEGETABLE
GARDEN. >> TO KEEP THE RABBITS OUT. >> Stephen: TO KEEP THE RABITZ
OUT BECAUSE THEY WOULD EAT OUR VEGETABLES. SO WE PUT--
>> THE RABBITS IN. >> Stephen: "WE," BEING EVIE. I WASN'T THERE. EVIE PUT THE RABBIT INTO THE
RABBIT-PROOF AREA WHERE THE VEGETABLES WERE GROWING, AND
CLOSED IT TO GIVE IT A LITTLE AIR. >> SO I COULD CLEAN ITS CAGE. >> Stephen: EXACTLY. YOU'RE COMING OUT SMELLING LIKE
A ROSE IN THIS ONE. YOU WENT TO CLEAN THE CAGE, GO
OUTSIDE, THERE ARE FEATHERS-- >> Stephen: NO RABBIT. >> IT WAS REALLY BAD. >> Stephen: HE WENT FOR A RIDE
WITH HIS FRIEND MR. HAWK, AND RABBIT WAS GONE. AND IT WAS QUITE TRAUMATIZING. >> VERY TRAUMATIZING. >> Stephen: IT WAS ABOUT THE
SIZE OF THIS DESK. >> TEARS. >> Stephen: LOTS OF TEARS. IDLE TEARS. >> NOT IDLE, ACTIVE TEARS. >> Stephen: PEOPLE WERE VERY
UPSET ABOUT IT IN THE FAMILY, AS WELL THEY SHOULD BE. AND WE HAD TO TELL-- WE HAD TO
TELL OUR FRIENDS. >> THE FAMILY. >> Stephen: THAT WE MURDERED
THE RABBIT. AND THREE DAYS LATER, LIKE
CHRIST HIMSELF, EVIE GOES OUT AND THE RABBIT IS SITTING THERE
IN THE MIDDLE-- IN THE EXACT SAME SPOT WHERE HE WAS. >> YEAH, BUT --
>> Stephen: HE'S GOT ONE GAMEY LEG. >> HE BROKE HIS LEG IN FOUR
PLACE S. >> Stephen: SO WE TOOK HIM TO
THE VET. >> SAID, "FOR SIX MONTHS, IF YOU
COME EVERY WEEK, AND PAY ME $200, I'LL KEEP RECASTING THE
LEG, UNTIL I WILL THEN CUT IT OFF AFTER YOU'VE SPENT THOUSANDS
OF DOLLARS." >> Stephen: RIGHT. HAS THIS STORY GOTTEN TOO DARK
AT THIS POINT? WE DID THAT FOR SIX MONTHS AND
FINALLY WENT, IT'S NOT HEALING. TAKE THE LEG OFF. WE TAKE THE LEG OFF AND DOES HE
CARE? NOT AT ALL. HE'S THE EXACT SAME AS HE WAS. AND HE RETURNED--
>> THEN HE WENT TO COLLEGE AND THEN HE LIVED IN MANHATTAN, AND
HE ONLY JUST DIED RECENTLY. >> Stephen: NEXT CARD, PLEASE. TRUE STORY. SO WE KNOW-- WE KNOW RABBITS. HERE'S A LOVELY CARD:
>> OH,. I PUT ON MY EASTER SHOES FOR
YOU. >> Stephen: THANK YOU. BUT THE FIRST DRAFF READ:<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> >> THAT'S ABOUT AS DRESSY AS I
GET, MY SWEAT PANTS. >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE. ALWAYS A PLEASURE. >> THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME
BACK. >> Stephen: YOU'RE A PERMANENT
MEMBER OF THE CAST IF YOU'D LIKE AT THIS POINT. >> OH,. >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK WITH SHARON STONE. ♪ ♪ ♪
