WE HAVE TO SAY
CONGRATULATIONS TO GUILLERMO AND WINE ON THE BIRTH OF THEIR
BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER NALO MOON, LOOK AT HER THERE. WE'RE SO HAPPY FOR THE WHOLE
FAMILY. WE ARE. THEY ARE ALL DOING GREAT. EVERYONE IS DOING FINE, REGGIE,
BAND, HAVE YOU SPOKEN TO GUILLERMO, HOW IS HE DOING? >> HE SEEMS TO BE REALLY, LIKE
HAPPY. (LAUGHTER). >> James: THAT WILL WEAR OFF. >> YEAH. >> James: THAT WILL WEAR OFF
IN NO TIME. NO, IT WAS REALLY WEIRD, LIKE
HAVING KIDS, THE FIRST TWO WEEKS ALL ANYONE TELLS YOU IS THEY GO
MAKE SURE YOU GET SOME SLEEP. AND THEN THE FIRST TWO WEEKS, IT
IS KIND OF AMAZING THEY SLEEP ALL THE TIME. WHAT WERE THEY TALKING ABOUT. AND AROUND ABOUT DAY 18 THEY
FIND A VOICE AND YOU GO OH [BLEEP]. GUILLERMO WILL BE BACK ON THE
DRUMS IN NO TIME BUT WHILE HE'S NOT HERE WE HAVE TO WELCOME
MICKEY WHO IS FILLING IN ON THE DRUMS. >> YEAH. >> James: WHILE GUILLERMO IS
ON MATERNITY LEAVE, GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE. >> EVERYBODY IS SUPERCOOL, THE
CHAIR VL NICE AND COMFY, SO I'M GOOD. >> James: THAT SAUL WE WANTED,
ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU READY? HOW IS YOUR RIM SHOT, IF I TELL
A TERRIBLE JOKE. >> PRETTY GOOD, I GOT IT THE
SECOND TRY. >> 1950. >> James: WE'RE LOOKING FOR
LIKE A, YOU KNOW, LIKE A. >> YOU MEAN LIKE-- . >> James: THERE WE GO NOW
WE'RE COOKING. NOW WE'RE-- THAT IS EXACTLY THE
LEVEL. THAT IS EXACTLY THE LEVEL. BEFORE WE GET TO THE HEADLINES,
DID EVERYBODY, DID EVERYBODY FEEL THE EARTHQUAKE THIS
MORNING. >> Reggie: NO, I HEARD ABOUT
IT AND I WAS LIKE I DON'T KNOW,. >> Reggie: BECAUSE I'M TOUGH. >> James: NOT BECAUSE YOU ATE
NINE WEED GUMIES BEFORE. >> ONLY ONE. >> James: BUT IT IS LIKE THC
TO THE MAX. >> YEAH. >> James: HOW MANY. >> THOUSANDS OF MILL I GRAMS. NO, FIVE, FIVE JAMES. >> James: BUT IT WAS A BIG
ONE, SUSAN, DID YOU FEEL IT? YOU DID. >> I DID BUT I THOUGHT-- OKAY. I WAS SLEEPING, AND THEN I FELT
IT AND I WOKE UP AND I'M LIKE THAT FELT LIKE AN EARTHQUAKE BUT
I WILL CHECK THE NEWS IN THE MORNING. >> James: YES. >> YOU KNOW. >> James: THAT'S IT. THAT IS SPRING TIME IN LOS
ANGELES. BASICALLY WHAT IT IS. THAT'S IT YOU HEAR, YOU FEEL IT,
I WAS NAKED, OTHER THAN MY TWO FACE MASKS. BECAUSE I SLEEP IN A HYDRATION
SHEET. AND THEN A RADIO THERAPY
INFRARED AND I FELT IT AND GO OH GOD, THIS WILL BE EMBARRASSING
IF ANYONE SEES ME. BUT NO BUT THE BIGGEST
EARTHQUAKE HIT AROUND 4:45 A.M. AND THAT IS THE SORT OF
MENTALITY IT TAKES TO MAKE IT AS AN EARTHQUAKE IN HOLLYWOOD. YOU KNOW, YOU RISE AND GRIND, TO
DAYS OFF. SHAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE GOT TO DO. DID YOU FEEL IT? >> OH YEAH, I FELT IT I FELT IT
AND I DID THE DAD THING WHICH IS, BECAUSE I SLEEP NENGS TO
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I PUT MY ARM OUT. AND I WAS LIKE DON'T WORRY, I
GOT IT. LIKE A IF A BEAM FELL ON US MY
EXTENDED FOREARM WOULD TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. LIKE YOU KEEP SLEEPINGK MY WATCH
HAS BEGUN. >> James: DON'T WORRY. DID YOU GO BACK TO SLEEP AFTER? >> IMMEDIATELY, YEAH. >> James: ANYONE ELSE FEEL IT? GO ON, YOU DID YOU ABSOLUTELY
[BLEEP] YOURSELF. >> I DID FREAK OUT A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT IT. >> James: DID YOU. >> WEIRDLY I THOUGHT ABOUT DID
MY TV TIP OVER. DIDN'T THINK ABOUT MY CHILDREN
BUT DID MY TV TIP OVER. >> James: IT IS AS ANY TV. >> IT IS VERY THIN. >> James: HIGH-DEF. >> I THO OUT IT MIGHT HAVE
TIPPED OVER. >> THOSE KIDS HAVE BND AROUND 7,
8 YEARS. >> James: EXACTLY, THEY ARE. ONE OF THEM IS LIKE 11 YEARS
OLD. THIS IS A BRAND NEW TV, GUYS. BRAND NEW TV. >> Reggie: AND IT IS VERY
THIN. >> James: IT IS VERY THIN. >> Reggie: VERY THIN. >> IT IS SO THIN. >> James: IT IS SO THIN, IT IS
SO THIN. IT IS SO THIN. IT IS ACTUALLY THINNER THAN THE
WALLPAPER. REVIEWERS WILL NOTICE DAVE, NOT
IN THE STUDIO TONIGHT. NOT HERE IN THE STUDIO. DO YOU KNOW WHY? >> HAVING A BABY. >> James: GONE ON HOLIDAY WITH
PATTI LUPONE. TRUE STORY, TRUE STORY, THEY
HAVE GONE, THEY HAVE GONE TO ANAHEIM, I'M NOT EVEN JOKING,
THEY RENTED AN AIRBNB IN O.J. AI. THEY WENT ON FRIDAY, HE CALLED
ME, HE SAID PATTI WANTS TO STAY THROUGH TILL TUESDAY MORNING,
DOESN'T WANT TO GET STUCK IN THE TRAFFIC ON MONDAY. I SAID DAVE, YOU GO, HE WILL
TELL US ALL ABOUT IT TOMORROW. BUT THAT LEAVE WE HAVE NEW
FACES, MIKEY, WHAT IS GOING ON, ARE YOU ON SOME KIND OF CLEANSE,
WHAT IS HAPPENING. YOU ARE VANISHING BETWEEN, IN
FRONT OF OUR VERY EYES, WHAT IS GOING DOWN. >> YEAH, HAVE I BEEN WORKING
OUT, I HAVE BEEN EATING WELL, I LOST LIKE 15 POUNDS. >> Reggie: YES. >> James: LOOK AT YOU. LOOK AT YOU. >> ALL I EVER WANTED. >> James: I CAN SEE A NEW
SWAGGER, ONLY AFTER 15 POWBDS THAT YOU START GOING I NEED TO
WEAR SOCKS. MELV IS IN THE HOUSE, HOW ARE
YOU DOING. >> I'M DOING GOOD. I GAIN GAINED ABOUT TWO POUNDS
OVER THE BREAK. >> James: DID YOU, CONGRAT,
CONGRATS. >> TWO WHOLE POUNDS. >> James: HOW WAS YOUR BREAK. >> OUTSTANDING. >> James: YEAH IN OH YEAH. >> James: STILL HUNGOVER? >> NO, STILL DRUNK. >> James: STILL DRUNK, NICE. >> EVEN BETTER. >> James: WELL LOOK, NO ONE IS
HERE FOR THIS CHATTY RA PAR TAY OF WHICH 90% I IMAGINE ALREADY
HAS BEEN CUT FROM THE SHOW THAT IS WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID IS-- MOVING ON. TO THE NEWS. THERE HAS BEEN ANOTHER MASSIVE
DATA BRIDGE AT FACEBOOK, IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT MORE THAN
500 MILLION FACEBOOK USERS HAVE HAD THEIR PERSONAL INFORMATION
LEAKED ONLINE. YEAH. BUT MYSPACE STILL LOCKED UP LIKE
FORT NOKS, BABY, DON'T YOU WORRY, FACEBOOK SAID THEY ARE
LOOKING INTO HOW TO BETTER PROTECT PEOPLE'S PRIVATE
INFORMATION. NO REALLY. THIS TIME, THEY REALLY ARE. SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE DOING IT,
HONESTLY, THEY ARE DOING IT. THIS TIME FACEBOOK IS DOING IT. AND THIS IS TRUE. ONE OF THE USERS WHO HAD THEIR
PHONE NUMBER LEAKED WAS ACTUALLY MARK ZUCKERBERG HIMSELF. THE MOST SHOCKING PART ABOUT
ZUCKERBERG'S PHONE NUMBER IS THAT IT IS A LAND LINE. A WALL MOUNTED ROTARY PHONE IN
AVOCADO GREEN. TRUE STORY. HUGE TANGLED CORD. RIGHT ACROSS THE KITCHEN. IN POLITICAL NEWS, PRESIDENT
BIDEN IS OFFICIALLY LOOKING INTO CANCELING STUDENT DEBT. ACCORDING TO REPORTS HE HAS
ASKED HIS EDUCATION SECRETARY TO EXPLORE WHETHER OR NOT THE
PRESIDENT HAS THE AUTHORITY TO CANCEL DEBT THROUGH AN EXECUTIVE
ORDER. IN THAT CASE, LET'S GET A ROUND
OF GRADUATE DEGREES FOR EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO, RIGHT GANG? FREE SCHOOL, BABY! BUT BIDEN SAYS HE WANTS THINGS
TO BE BACK LIKE THEY WERE IN HIS DAY, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU COULD
PAY FOR A COLLEGE EDUCATION WITH A SHINY NICKEL AND A FRESH PACK
OF GUM. THAT IS WHAT HE WANTS. BUYEN ASKED THEM TO EXPLORE THE
OPTION AND EXPLORING I NOT A VERB I TRUST. I DON'T. I DON'T LIKE IT. IF YOU ARE EXPLORING AN OPEN
RELATIONSHIP, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE ALREADY SINGLE. AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS, A
BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS JUST LAUNCHED A 500,000 DOLLAR
CONTEST TO IMPROVE THE DESIGN OF FACE MASKS HOPING TO SOLVE
COMMON PROBLEMS LIKE SKIN IRRITATION AND FOGGED UP
GLASSES. NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON. I MEAN WHY THE RUSH? THE WHITE HOUSE SAYS THEIR
NEGOTIATION CONTEST WILL BE TO FIND SOMETHING OTHER THAN
LEECHES TO TREAT THE BUBONIC PLAGUE. SHURCHT WE HAVE STARTED THE MASK
INNOVATION A YEAR AGO? BIDEN'S BASICALLY THAT GRANDPA
WHO GIFTS YOU SOMETHING THAT WAS IN LAST YEAR FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY
THIS AREA. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, HERE
YOU GO SWEETIE, I HOE KNOW HOW MUCH YOU YOU WANT A SUBSCRIPTION
QUIBI. AND THIS IS AN INTERESTING
FINDING. ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY 7
PERCENT OF AMERICANS SAY THAT THEY DO NOT USE THE INTERNET AT
ALL. YEAH. ISN'T IT JUST NUT NICE THAT SOME
PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL RAID ABOUT JAKE PAUL IN A GOOD
OLD-FASHIONED HARD COPY? 30 YEARS AGO WE WOULD HAVE SAID
THOSE PEOPLE WERE NORMAL. TEN YEARS AGO WE WOULD HAVE
LAUGHED AT THEM FOR BEING OUT OF THE LOOP. AND NOW TODAY WE'RE LIKE PLEASE
TEACH ME HOW TO DO THIS. PEASE, SAVE ME FROM THIS
HELLSCAPE. 7% OF AMERICANS AREN'T ON THE
INTERNET. ON THE ONE HAND THEIR STRESS
LEVELS ARE WAY DOWN. ON THE OTHER HAND, THEY MISSED
OUT ON SOME GREAT JOKES ABOUT THAT BOAT, THE BOAT BEING STUCK
IN THE SUEZ CANAL. MOVING ON, A WOMAN IN THE UNITED
KINGDOM HAS JUST GIVEN BIRTH TO A SON AND A DAUGHTER WHO WERE
CONCEIVED THREE WEEK AS PART. THE WOMAN WAS PREGNANT WITH HER
SON WHEN SHE THEN CONCEIVED HER DAUGHTER WHICH IS A RATHER
PHENOMENON KNOWN AS SUPERFETATION. HOW KAZ CRAZY IS THAT. SEX TWICE IN THREE WEEKS. THIS IS BASICALLY LIKE THE WORST
VERSION OF YOUR SIBLINGS WALKING IN ON YOU WHEN YOU ARE IN THE
BATHROOM. I'M IN HERE, I WAS ALREADY IN
HERE, MY GOD, CAN'T YOU WAIT. THE WOMAN HAD BECOME PREGNANT
THROUGH A RARE PHENOMENON THAT PRODUCES WHAT ARE KNOWN AS
SUPERTWIN, SUPERTWIN, AND WITH THAT PHRASE, CBS HAS ALREADY
TRNED IT INTO A SITCOM STARRING ROB LOWE AND ROB LOWE. SUPERTWINS, THURSDAYS ON CBS. AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS, A
MAN IN NEW MEXICO RECENTLY WENT INTO THE GROCERY STORE FOR JUST
TEN MINUTES AND WHEN HE CAME BACK TO HIS CAR, HE FOUND THIS. HE GOT BACK TO HIS CAR AND HE
FOUND 15,000 BEES HAD MOVED INTO HIS CAR. LOOK AT THAT. AND THE REAL HERO HERE IS
WHOEVER COUNTED ALL OF THOSE BEES. THERE IS NO WAY ANYONE KNEW
THERE WAS-- JUST SAY IT IS A [BLEEP] LOAD OF BEE, HE GOT BACK
TO HIS CAR, THERE WAS A [BLEEP] LOAD OF BEES, NO WAY THEY KNEW
IT WAS 15,000 BEES. THE GUY WAS REALLY ANNOYED
BECAUSE DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE JUST BOUGHT IN THE GROCERY STORE? 15NOW BEES. -- 15,000 BEES. AND FINALLY, A COMPANY HAS NOW
RELEASED A PINATA IT DESCRIBES AS ADULT APPROPRIATE. BECAUSE INSTEAD OF CANDY, IT IS
FILLED WITH TINY PLASTIC BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL. YEAH, EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE YOU
GET A GLIMPSE OF WHAT LIFE IS GOING TO BE LIKE WHEN THE
PANDEMIC IS OVER AND ST WEIRD AS [BLEEP]. THESE PINATAS SHOW UP TO YOUR
PARTY, PREPACKED FULL OF LIQUOR. THE JAMES CORDEN OF PINATAS. THEY ARE THE PETE OF PINATAS,
THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE. IF YOU EVER WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT
THAT PINATA WOULD SOUND LIKE IF IT TALKED, HAVE A CHAT WITH
PETE. >> THAT'S RIGHT. >> James: HOW MANY TINY-- TINY
BOTTLESES ARE INSIDE YOU RIGHT NOW, PETE? >> YOU CAN'T COUNT. >> James: YOU CAN'T COUNT. >> NO. >> James: THERE ARE MORE TINY
BOTTLES THAN THERE WERE BEES IN THAT MAN'S CAR. THE BOOZE PINATA START AT $70 IF
YOU WANT TO SPLURGE AND GET SOMETHING FRANCE FANCIER FOR A
FRACTION OF THE PRICE YOU CAN JUST HANG A BOX OF WINE FROM THE
CEILING FAN.
