Jordan Schlansky Reviews Toilet Paper | Conan O'Brien Radio

very few people I know spend more time assessing the products they use than Jordan schlansky Jordan I I credit you you everything on your body everything in your life you put a lot of thought into it so it's only natural that you would be a consumer Watchdog so let's do a segment right now Jordan schlansky consumer Watchdog and you have um uncovered something today that you're going to talk about would you like to uh to Echo what you said I'm very particular about the products I use I believe that one's life in part is defined Ed by the products that surround us we spend hours with these things maybe even years and um aesthetically speaking I like to have objects of beauty and utility around me now I choose my products very carefully and um that is certainly true um in the case of toilet paper now I've got some products here mhm that I that I want to talk about um wow you know that's a lot of toilet paper there well I do buy toilet paper in bulk because uh well first of all the need never you're a mad you're a you're a 247 uh yeah you don't have to stack it all up maybe that's a mistake there you go all right so um all right so listen I choose my toilet paper very carefully and I like this to be a once- in a-lifetime Endeavor okay I don't need to re-choose my toilet paper every deck once you decide which toilet paper's yours why would I change the conversation's over unless there's some new technology that needs to be introduced the world so many years ago I sampled different toilet papers there were the Aesthetics there was the design on the paper itself was it a quilt uh of course where did you sample them were you in the aisle of the store with your pants down what were you I'm I'm just curious what were you doing how did you over time I purchased a items and you would and you would pay attention you didn't you didn't line up a bunch of toilet papers eat 15 burritos and then check all of those no I did not no okay that's that's how I would have done it but anyway so I decided on a uh on charman they had a particular variety at the time it was called I believe charman Plus or Charmin Plus lotion or charman plus aloan e they've gone through many iterations of the name over the years and it was basically they marketed it as having lotion in it the lotion was mainly mineral oil sure they put some Alo and E in there just to say that they did but the bulk of it was mineral oil which is not an expensive addition nevertheless when you're talking about friction uh a situation which is inherently comprised of friction and abrasion what do you mean a situation what I'm saying is of toilet paper any any physicist would know that the use of toilet paper involves friction two objects rubbing together uh you're talking about abrasion you're talking about erosion for all the environmentalists out there there is a human bodily erosion uh when using any toilet paper product okay any toilet paper prod you're going to get erosion you're wearing away pieces of your ass what are you doing yes you absolutely if it's if that's where you're using it what I'm saying what I'm saying is what do you mean where you using what do you mean where are you using it I use toilet paper on many areas of my body I what what are you talking about my nose my ears uh I use it to wipe you use Kleenex for your nose no I use toilet paper for my nose sure in a situation where I'm sick and there's a there's an excessive mucus I'll I'll invest in a box of Kleenex but why have a product that's good for one use when I can have a multi-use product like toilet paper I use toilet paper for cleaning up the K the bathroom sink of errant spills so as not to um mineralize the countertop uh I use it to clean up the toilet Rim should there be any uh urine I use it urine I use it you say urine I use it on different body parts it's it's a really a jack of all trads you lactate what I'm saying is anytime there's a discharge to me toilet paper is going to be my first choice uh obviously if I have a huge cut and and I need some kind of towel or bandage I'll go I'll go that I'll go in that direction anyway toilet paper is a big part of my life see some people take Q-tips for their ears which by the way is unsafe and now you have a second dedicated product that's only for your ears what about toilet paper what's the problem with using toilet paper to clean out your ears and your nose nevertheless don't don't give me that deep breath I understand that you're in a rush but I have a lot to say about toilet paper no no I guess what can I just say one thing I'm not in a rush but this is my life and this is a piece of my life and you're wasting it okay because you're talk get to to the point which is this is the point this is the point I uh I decided on Charmin toilet paper they had a few varieties at the time because they likeed to over complicate their product line I went with the version with lotion which turned out to be mineral oil okay it's had a number of different now the chan people the Proctor and gamber people they're listening to this right now and those 30s something marketing people are saying is this true was it did it used to be called Alo and E because they only know it as charman Ultra Gentle the common name and there's uh there's one guy that probably know can I assure you not only is no one at charman listening right now I think anyone who really loves the Conan channel has turned off at this point so I bu they never come back I buy I buy my toilet paper in bulk because it never expires I don't enjoy buying toilet paper I don't want to buy toilet paper more often I want to buy it less often do you get looks when you walk out when you come to the cash register and you have 35 boxes of toilet paper do they think you have an issue yes yes I do get unusual looks I'm used to unusual looks for a variety of reasons that never that never deters me so I buy Mine by the case so I've got some cases here I've got a backstock that I bought over the past few years okay now this is um is it like someone who loves wine has a whole seller filled with different wines you go downstairs and when it's your time you you run your hand along uh these racks and racks and racks tret paper feeling for the one that will just suit this one particular purpose like I want this one that was made in uh Napa Valley uh it's got aloe but it's aloe from uh that that really comes from the soil the good Rich 84 yeah it's an8 this is a great 84 aloe charm do you ever do that I pick the most damaged box cuz I like the boxes to look aesthetically beautiful when I have an entire room full of toilet paper boxes I like them to look beautiful a lot of times you get shipping damage anyway so the point is I buy them in these cases uh of 18 rolls these are Mega rolls now again in a in a ridiculous over complication Proctor and Gamble has decided to offer different sizes of their roles they have the regular rooll they have the giant role then they have the mega roll the mega is the biggest I've done the research have to R can a mega roll fit on a standard toilet paper spol it can it can so I buy 18 I mean if your if the toilet in your house is in a very small space can you get in there with the mega roll or does a mega roll pretty much take up the whole bathroom no the mega roll you would not a person of your course visual perception would not even recognize the difference between a giant roll and a mega roll but I do okay I look deep beneath the surface anyway just listen to me okay this case this case of why why wouldn't I yeah this case of 18 charman Ultra Gentle Mega rolls cost $19.99 I bought this for many years okay slight variations of the price up and down but that's basically it so uh recently uh I bought my uh charman order and I bought my 18 Mega rolls for uh $1 199.99 and this came okay and I could already see the packaging is different and this is telling me yeah so this is telling me that something is something is off okay so something changed uh something changed instead of a case now I have this package and uh there's a bear on the cover there was always a bear that's not that doesn't okay I was frightened by the 18 Mega rolls equals 72 regular rolls because again in marketing speak that makes people more likely to think they're getting some kind of good deal all right so immediately I'm suspicious and and listen I don't want to look for a new brand of toilet paper I don't like change when it comes to my toilet paper okay a lot of things in life should change but like things like matches toilet paper they don't need to change so the old charman Ultra Gentle uh while the sheet size is the same had 286 two ply sheets per roll okay the new Charmin has 231 two ply sheets per roll okay so the overall square footage of an 18 pack used to be about uh 50 1 M squared whereas this is only about 41 M squared which is a 20% decrease so I get it okay costs are rising in the toilet paper industry and they've got to recoup okay now I don't believe they're being greedy I don't think they're trying to impress their shareholders I understand that the toilet paper cost have improved now they could raise the price 20% and then you'd have $24 and I'd get my same product and you know what I'd happily pay that $24 because I understand inflation exists but instead they say let's charge the same let's make the roles 20% smaller now you can compare the old role and the new role and you'll see you'll see a drastic different a drastic difference you okay why you what's wrong with you why is your face listen to me to me what this means to that's just my face now listen to me this clearly means I'm going this is the new one and this is the old one yes I will say first of all I don't know why you started to laugh maniacally like a bon villain um when you're talking about this uh well stupid thing but uh yeah okay the old Ro you're saying for the same amount of money you're getting less you're getting 20% less okay fine that's that's no bombshell but the point is why do I have to change my toilet paper roll 20% more often why I'm always going to need new toilet paper okay it's not like I'm just going to buy one roll and be like okay that's it I'm done when this rolls over for the rest of my life I'm going to be making sure that there is toilet paper on that toilet paper holder okay and why do I have to now because they have this marketing plan that are going to trick people into thinking that they're getting the same value now I have to change my toilet paper roll more frequently I have to buy more cases of toilet paper over the course of my lifetime I have to maintain those cases and store those cases like I just don't understand just be up front and be like hey we're charging $24 and by the way the packaging has changed too I used to if I have guests I like to put a six-pack of charman unopen sealed into that restroom wa what you wait what listen to me wait why do your guests need to see supp toet want I'll tell you why okay if you go into a guest room you want to know you have enough toilet paper for your stay there you don't want to worry that you're going to have to ask for more toilet paper no you're saying six asking for more toilet paper imp you use above the average amount of toilet paper Okay six rolls is enough to comfort people it's not excessive it's like no matter what no matter what happens to me in this week I'm going to have enough toilet paper six of these sixs need in any situation would you need six don't have to use all six you just know they're there okay it's comforting do you do the same thing with food when they come down to the refrigerator do you have nine turkeys waiting for them to eat just so they have the Comfort level I like atmosphere of scarcity boes of cereal abundance abundance I like to show them that there is an abundance of toilet paper whatever happens you while you're here you are covered anyway just let me get this out no no no I I let you speak a lot and I'm going to take over for a second because uh you've you're completely untethered you were completely untethered you're a balloon free of its string uh bopping around in the Wind to know it's because I want them to know it's a high quality premium product and I'm not just buying honest are you getting any M from sh no clearly not I just criticize them but at the same time I do appreciate the quality of the paper that has not changed nevertheless their new packaging inside the outer package with the bear is it's just a generic plastic case my guests think that I'm buying from like Costco or some like off brand they don't know it's charman anymore okay can I say one thing first of all I think when you put out that much toilet paper for your guests it's an insult it's you saying I don't trust I I think you're a big pig I think you're a big pig that eats and shits 247 you're a monster that's what I think you're saying to them you're just a giant I'm saying if you are if you are that person I got you covered if you're a normal person you're cover too okay so next time I come to your house you're going to have plenty of toilet paper and you may not use it and that's fine I don't expect you to use it but if you need to use it it's there you will never have to ask me for more toilet paper do you imagine the humiliation excuse me thank you for letting me stay in your room do you have any more toilet paper I gave you plenty of toilet paper I need more toilet paper I have a question for you when you travel you and I have traveled together we've shot some some pieces together we've traveled the world right what is your security level your feelings about going to distant lands um and needing to use a facility uh another facility where you don't have control over the toilet I I have adaptive techniques as as Darwin has showed us the key to survival is not strength but adaptability I adapt to any situation take Charles Darwin's Origin of the species one of the greatest most seminal works in the history of mankind and you're going to apply it to your travel needs for toilet paper I believe in um orienting the pubo rectus muscle in a certain um position uh to allow a greater elimination at home and I have devices that yield this result at home bet you have devices I bet if a swap team broke into your home right now they would find all kinds of devices hidden in the in the crawl space you freak you freak you freak when I travel when ictus bone when I travel I don't have access to my devices so I improvise I use I use a garbage can in in the hotel no you don't no you don't no you don't what do you do what do you do I don't use the garbage can in the way you're thinking I use a garbage pale to orient my body in a certain position do you understand no I don't know what you're talking about I honestly don't know what you're talking about I adapt to the situation this is why I survive it's not my strength it's my adaptability if I don't have if I don't have a toilet stool to properly Orient my pubo rectus muscle I know so hold on I'm going to draw something right now you're talking about The Squatty Potty that's one example of a toilet listen I'm going to draw hold on I'm going to draw this is a toilet okay this is you sitting on the toilet and uh you well first of all there shouldn't even if if if you're a human animal and neander tall and you wanted to it's Neanderthal no it's neander no one's ever said neander I just said it the point is you're supposed to be squatting on the ground fully squatted in a fully squatting position to open up that puber this what you're talking about right here yes yes that simulates a squatting position even though you're you're on a modern toilet bowl now also you haven't even mentioned how tall that toilet bowl is you know there's a variable height I like to go with the colar wellworth 15 in off the ground no more then they have a higher one they call it comfort height I think that goes without saying so um in a perfect world you'd be squatting is what you're saying in in a perfect world you'd be squatting in the modern world you can use devices to simulate squatting okay now in my house I have these devices and they're high quality devices because I'm going to be using these for decades as I just described I like to stick with a product for years so you're talking about uh these these things that you put your feet up on or may have a high quality material bamboo I like bamboo most of bamboo and plastic while you're really fancy guy that's what they used on Gilligan Island bamboo is bamboo is waterproof it is strong it is replenishable okay I'm not hurting the environment with my toilet stool no I think you're you're hurting the environment with your constant so that's that's what you're hurting the environment with you're I mean for God's sake man this is insanity so when I travel I don't have access to my bamboo toilet stool okay sure I could find a way to bring it with me but that's ridiculous you're Destro the overhead compartment but I improvise when I get to a hotel room that immediately I assess the hotel room for any number of factors and I look at the garbage pale and if the garbage pale is the right height and shape I can adapt that to my use now I don't want to now that grosses me out because if I stay in a hotel and I look at the garbage what are you doing with the hotel Garbage Pail that's so in scario that you had it upside down in the bathroom while you were poop that's I have no problem with someone using a garbage pail upside down do you know what substances are in hotel garbage pales that you need to be more concerned about so uh let's get okay so toilet paper if the toilet paper first of all I don't use toilet paper the way you think I do okay I don't want to know okay I don't want to know I mean I honestly don't want to know toilet paper there there's a inherent flaw with the whole toilet paper system okay I've discussed this before and I think it's really self-evident I don't think it needs more explication but just suffice it to say you're going to want a soap and water scenario in most cases and toilet paper even the best is not going to uh cover you so I uh use toilet paper in very limited ways nevertheless uh I I improvise in hotel rooms with soap and water scenario hear yourself why are you shouting yeah you shout a lot you shout a lot and no no my enthus my enthusiasm don't mistake my enthusiasm for anger okay I'm passionate and and I don't see the problem with that one day you call me stoic the other day you call me overly passionate not it's not coming across as passion it's coming across as crazy um well I'm say like a rant and also a defiant rant a man who sees the world turning against him and using toilet paper improperly and you are howling at the wind like King Le um blind on the Moors uh Unchained from all reality so yes I think something in you is untethered and I'm glad that you've put this much thought into your toilet needs but have you ever thought of and we've talked about this before but shouldn't you just be using a bedet well like I was saying I do have a system an equivalent system it's not a Beday per se but I have a soap and water solution so uh so what you just use whatever toilet paper like who even buys your toilet paper do you have a system I just uh NBC used to give it to me for free and I I still have my NBC Supply and you just there's a Tom Brokaw on every sheet yeah listen I uh you just take what you're given yeah pretty much in life yeah with your toilet paper I mean obvious some things you care about you're going to pick your car you're going to pick your watch but toilet paper you just take what's there and you don't even put this much thought into it no you understand there's abrasion erosion stop saying erosion there's no erosion there's certainly erosion there's no erosion of course there's erosion any time you have two two substances rubbing together there's going to be some uh erosion and you're losing skin uh on a cellular level and or that's the micro level and potentially on a macro level I'm going to put an end to this now okay this is is uh beyond the pale and what you've done I think is an audio crime today you've committed an audio crime we've had to sit and listen to this for a while I suspect that you're getting something from the charman people I can't prove it but I think you are um and I'm glad that you're I'm happy that you're happy if you found a toilet paper that you like then I'm happy for you yeah I wish that it wouldn't shrink in size necessitating extra trips to the grocery store and extra changes of the role well that's just the world we live in today many things shrink in size as time goes on and we accept it I'll pay the $24 for the original product okay well I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill I think that you should just accept this uh and again I just want to remind viewers you are a married man you have children and I think hate to I'd hate to be the child being potty trained by can you imagine what is it like when you PTY trained your children were you screaming at them the whole time about you got to get your legs up higher that's use the trash can use the trash can uh I don't fault people that are passionate in life you understand sure I have passions many dictators do many uh many um many uh mad people have insane Ambitions I just I would like and passions I I wish the best few Jordan I really do MH um wait a minute I'm thinking about it no I don't I just want to I want I want to completely resend that but I'm glad you found a product that you like and so you're saying this toilet paper is your recommendation charmen uh gentle Ultra Gentle is what you like that's that's secondary yes it is my recommendation I do have I do have a problem and you do add and you have a method where you use soap and water and any Trash Can that's available that's separate yes okay this was uh Jordan schalansky con consumer Watchdog yeah consumer Watchdog Jordan slansky anyone who listened to all of this um I don't know what to tell you but you should uh spend your time very differently in the future something's wrong with you Jordan I salute you as I always do and thank you for your wisdom your passion um and I think that's it I mean I don't know else to say uh we'll be right back will we I don't see why we anyone who's waiting for more of this God help you

Channel: Team Coco

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Keywords: Team coco, coco, conan o'brien, conan, best moments of conan, conan obrien interview, conan obrien podcast, sketch, comedy sketches, conan funny moments, teamcoco, funny, humor, official, stand-up comedy, andy richter, triumph the insult comic dog, celebrity interview, late night show, jordan schlansky

Id: FEPL1Ndjn7U

Length: 21min 33sec (1293 seconds)

Published: Fri May 03 2024