Jo Brand Through the Cake Hole Series 2 - Rude Health (Part 1)

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you very much hello I'm sorry about my hair tonight I'm just sort of going on the theory that the further out it goes the small of my face looks but not really working is it still looks like the moon you know if you're a woman there are lots of helpful tips in women's magazines about you know if you're 15 stone how to look like 14 soon 12 with a little bit of work you know they say they say for example just fat women you know don't wear horizontal stripes because that makes you look fat but if you wear vertical ones you look really thin so I tried this you know I bought a dress with vertical stripes and some bloke came up and tried to hire it as a marquee for his daughter's wedding I mean I just think the most helpful tip would be stay in fatty you'll never get a blow car it's a nice shape to be this actually cuz I was a nurse you know so hurrah for Hattie Jakes a bit that people think nurses are a bit thick you know and I don't think that that's fair because they're not at all are they thank you three nurses up there my pillows slipped it's not over your face I'm sorry well a lot of story as I am me it's this local paper I think yourself lucky sister over this charging a tenner whatever happened to the caring dedication of it well as far as I know God never asked one of the Angels to clean out a pus-filled infection site manually evacuated an Aryan or play constant take that to a coma victim this is love their jobs you just fed up with people saying we're marvelous and then getting a pay rise that went by enough all Brend to keep you regular oh I see so if it's a vocation you can treat someone like shite good an idea we got and puncture none now vacation said doesn't matter well I'm sorry I got you all wrong I believed in the stereotype asking you out with you well he's a bloke isn't he I don't envy the job of general nurses you know coz there's like a lot of poo flying around in general medicine it's a bit horrid and especially nurses that work in special clinic some of any of the blokes here ever been to a special clinic oh all of you how long cuz then you'll know what they do in order to get a sample is they sort of stick this umbrella thing at the end of your penis and they kind of open it out it's really painful it's not actually a medical procedure they just do that for [Applause] have you got my left foot hey my operation going to be I'm sorry mr. Thomas it's been put off again he was so clean when we first arrived here what's happening well Scutari Hospital now has trust status so we took the lowest tender on the cleaning services we're finished on the contrary Scutari hospital has become a center of excellence for battles for obstetrics any pregnant women here I know brilliant in it we've got the shortest waiting list in the country you're planning to concentrate on childbirth we prefer the phrase a de-emphasis on non elective surgery soldiers well we've just purchased a lovely new water cooler private sports injuries clearly have been dying out there woman not from squash injuries their arm I wish to make a complete well the chairlady of the Health Trust is visiting later this afternoon can I kiss her mr. Thomas cholera is just sort of running around after doctors all the same gang I love you all I want to marry you and I never did that you know coz I can't run I had to sit down and shout like a saint nurses aren't thick they're just creative you know I mean I've got this friend Christina who's still a nurse right and she's a bit crap at trivial pursuits because she's creative and imaginative you know my favorite question she was ever asked someone said to her what's the other name for the Northern Lights she said Blackpool which was lovely you know who I blame for the death of the NHS the nurses Oh stockings and suspenders and cheap Woolworths lipstick smeared all over their last random faces whoring their way around those wards virtually naked panting for animal coupling you've seen those Carry On films entire flesh sucked through and fly blow but Jenna tato infestation and why do they get away with it they get away with it because we're too afraid to sack them all because they exploit the fact that nobody else will do the job you know who I blame for the decline in clinical standards and the widespread malpractice in the medical profession hat EJ carry on pimping more like contraceptives and a bill for the night what we need is a Health Service in which God is a conservative and health care is replaced by faith in miracles qualified nurses are replaced by Portuguese domestic staff with no prospects no more happy Jake's I thought we already had that smokers in tonight cuz I I smoke a lot and I'm not gonna give up smoking and I'll tell you why I'm not going to is because I'll be really pissed off if I gave up smoking and got cancer anyway stone and still not getting a boyfriend wouldn't it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it was to be our last day together and we didn't know for how long so we met where we always met and went to a special place we'd found that no one else [Music] they're better than a bloke any day I gave up when I was in hospital unconscious three days I really wished a friend of mine had come along just shoved one in anyways you know and me so yeah soon as I wake up it was like the thing that I thought was great about the hospital I was in was that there were two television rooms and the room for people who smoked as a black-and-white now as I say I was psychiatric nurse and I trained on lots of different wards you know to try and get experience and I've to say my favorite ward actually was the anorexic ward because at dinner time I used to get 17 extra dinners now for sit down the poor girls are leveraging and when I was a student nurse we had quite a lot of complex assessments to do on people you know for various different psychiatric illnesses and we have one when I was a student called the Beck Depression Inventory right which I've never heard of which have been shown to the BDI and I went on to the war one day and the sister said to me you just pop into the lounge and give mr. Simpson the BDI right so I said right you are then and I went off into the lounge found mr. Simpson I went right for about half an hour and I went back in as if well he is depressed but I'm afraid he's very paranoid as well [Music] [Applause]

Channel: rosebankross

Views: 9,149

Rating: 4.8222222 out of 5

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Id: WQ0v21XBlVU

Length: 10min 18sec (618 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 30 2018