Jo Brand Part 1

[Music] [Applause] thank you very much and welcome to Oh blimey the fat birds got a telly show thank you all very much for coming now I had to say I'm a bit of difficulty at the moment and my difficulty is that people just don't tell the truth at the moment do they I mean I got a cab from a local cab firm South London liars tonight and it's not fair because I've actually been telling them the truth you know I phoned them up and I said can you send round a big fat racist bastard please with a personal hygiene problem sometime before I have my menopause and just didn't arrive you know so I have to walk and that takes me a long time I worry about calves because calves were sort of so romantic in the old days weren't they I actually got a cab the other night in the fog and I got in and I was expecting the driver to say something like cool of a duck that's a right pea super and no mistake yes she said was bugger me thick as an elephant spunk out and you see women have to get cabs all the time if you don't want to drive it's very dangerous for women to drive these days on their own and I have to confess you know I've been worried about all this crime so I actually in a pub the other night bought some of that dodgy spray of someone you know so if you get attacked you squirt it in their face and it makes them choke and cry impulse I think it's cool of course they're gonna step further in America they've actually got a male dummy that you can sit in the seat next year it's got an American bloke I actually I got one of those because I just want people to think I've got a boyfriend in the muscle the problem always worries me is that when I'm in the car you know that I might actually sort of break down and have to phone the AAA and you know what it's like you sit there and wait for them for hours but when they turn up you're so pleased to see them you want to marry them really very well I normally ask cuz you got to take every opportunity at my age and you see the a a say that they're the fourth emergency service no pizza delivery boy now you might you might you might be looking at me thinking you're a bit crap at seducing people are you because I am I'm crap at it and there's lots of reasons one reason is that you don't get sexy underwear for someone in my size in fact the news she gets a sexy underwear basically is something without a length of tarpaulin in the gusset so I have to have a lot of sexual fantasies and my favorite sexual fantasy is smearing my naked body with chocolate and cream then just being left on my own to eating an easy on the very rare occasions that I do actually get a bloke in a room on his own it just seems too good an opportunity to miss just to punch him in the bloody gob [Laughter] you see one thing I actually don't understand is this whole new man thing you know and I was saying to a male friend of mine the other day what's it all about and he said well it's all about male bonding and learning how to cry so I super glued his foreskin to the bumper of mafia uno and drove down the shops lots of blubbering lots of bonding brilliant only joking a drive to Scotland over the last couple of years which is a bit sad is that they've started bringing out these erotic magazines for women you know for women one of them's called very imaginative well done there boys and I bought the first issue and it was crap but there was no geeks in there you know not a single recipe for shortbread not missing patent to be seen all it was right it was a couple of sad old blokes in the sauna with a little wiggly slug on the edge of their fine apparently this is because the pornography laws say that we women are not allowed to look at an erect penis because where I live go on any bus down the Old Kent Road any day of the week and there's about seven to choose from good evening and welcome to crap cake of the week looking at those cakes that pretend to be cakes but in fact they're not fish cakes Carol cake shortcake they're not cakes they're traitors off with a cake that was responsible for a lot of sniveling when you around your grandma's as a child now picture the scene she's gassed you with a combination of lavender old sprouts and mothballs granddad's teeth aren't at the bottom of your Tizer says those blood-curdling words she says would you like a Jaffa Cake Josephine people launched a package like public hangings Derek now I bet you don't know what this is do you know I don't boss looks like radioactive kirameki well not far off this is in fact Kendal mint cake and it's got enough calories in one bar to cellulite up all the world's smug thin people well I can dream can't I yeah you try that y'all that's incredibly sweet I'm having that back then right not lovely in fact not as bad as these little devils now do you know what that is that is a Pontefract cake people of Pontefract how are you are you suffering from some sort of group delusion this is not a cake this is the work of the Hornet beast I feel really sorry actually for people in Pontefract their kids going what we got forty mum cake all brilliant and then they get one of these licorice what's it doing here well this mud dear Derrick is that what we call beefcake bit of a misnomer there really isn't it though no icing no hundreds and thousands great deal of beef i really led the life of Riley unfortunately it was the life of Mavis Riley [ __ ] well I'm not married and obviously I'm totally desperate for a husband as all our single women are but if you are looking for a husband one thing you can do is look in cosmopolitan because all their articles are about how to get a husband despite the fact that they're rather thinly disguised as articles on more general topics for the ever-so-slightly feminist woman I mean for example I read an article in Cosmo recently about how to speak knowledgeably at parties on quantum mechanics theory whilst giving someone a [ __ ] to marry all at the same time now I tried it but the man on the cheese counter at Sainsbury's wasn't terribly impressed now think about Cosmo is they say what's great about us is that we don't have any diets in our magazine but they do have rather a lot of stick women in the advert that do tend to make you feel the acreage of the Isle of Wight so that's a bit sad and of course you know as fat people just aren't very popular at the moment Virginia Bottomley doesn't like us very much which is fine by me because I don't like stuck-up Tory twelve [Applause] and actually my doctors a bit weird as well I went to my doctor the other day and I said I've got a terrible stomach problem and she said you have is bloody enormous it's embarrassing for women to go to the doctors you know especially like these gyne things I actually did incident a few weeks ago when I had to go for a smear and I was there with my legs up in the stirrups you know nice position to be in with a sort of 14 year old doctor in the great blue yonder she said to me haven't I seen you somewhere before well it depends which you're talking about now you see the thing is that let's just actually I have to say there are actually a couple of advantages to being fat you may not believe me but there are I mean first of all fat people we can make about 80 [ __ ] a day because fat people are gonna get heart disease so we don't give a toss about games the other thing as well is fat people are brilliant in bed because if I'm sitting on top of you are you going to argue that's all for me thank you very much hope you enjoyed it good night

Channel: Smudge118

Views: 13,393

Rating: 4.8303032 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: w511z7ORryQ

Length: 10min 27sec (627 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 31 2018