Jo Brand Part 4

[Music] [Applause] hello and welcome to cellulite fun time her up that one thing I'm getting very sick of is that people just not telling each other the truth because you know what it's like when someone finds out you haven't seen for ages and they say how are you you always saying learn sign when what you really want to say is well I had an abortion two months ago I just had laser treatment for cervical cancer got pissed at me head on cheap cooking sherry last night because I'm so lonely I had a decent shag for ages dad it's about time dad new isn't it it's time to mute that I'm getting a bit fed up and I'll tell you one thing I'm getting sick of and I think all women are it's because of the rising crime we women cannot go out on our own at night because you know there are all these psychos wandering around the streets that should be locked up now some people call them the mentally ill I don't I call them blokes get your women wandering around the streets going bonkers do you yeah the other thing I think other women and me are fed up with is sort of sexual deviants on the tube on the street you know flashes everywhere and what do you say to them ooh is that a penis or is it a swan Wester I'm not sure getting absolutely fed up with it and I'll tell you I just want to tell you about an incident that did actually happen to me a few years ago and I'm sure most women have experienced this sort of thing this one was a bit weird I was actually in a car park about 7 o'clock they even they're just about to drive off and some bloke came up and tapped on the window and rather naively I think he was just gonna ask me the time or something around the window down at which point he stuck his penis in tomorrow I was a little bit taken aback really there's a novel form of hitchhiking was it an overzealous traffic warden just someone dispensing with the formality of asking me after the pictures first during the direct route and of course you always think afterwards what would be the great thing to do should have way on the window up very quickly but I didn't I just sat there cuz you freeze when that sort of thing happens and added to that my bloody car wouldn't start so you know I was sat there for a good five minutes with this thing sort of dangling in my hair I eventually did get the car started and I drove off down the road and saw a policeman I thought hmm tell him about it for a laugh so I described exactly what had happened and he's not been my car as well lot of blokes think it's sexy to have black satin sheets or to be more precise black satin sheets with little silvery maps of the Philippines all over these concept poise so at nursey copters your first week on Ward 3 being then I'm so tired I could cry I thought it'd be getting a date with a handsome doctor oh dear so you've sussed out it's not all a mr. racing driver we can get married when your legs better nursing times made it look like a soft focus tiptoe for a world of love instead I'm exhausted and I don't like any of the patients where do I get chatted up and told them an angel when you change your perfume to Reve ghosts instead of Oda rents it's loose let me tell you something not all the patients for that grateful and the pay is terrible I've owned an awful morning doing enemas the liver in bed twelves wet himself the prostate next to him keeps pulling his stitches after bed 9 is really getting on my nerves bed 9 it's got a slipped disc I know bed nines got a slipped disc but his scrotum is really getting on my mother anyway all that liver in bed 12 stuff's gone these days we must treat the patient holistically and plan individual care oh do we really in this job it's elbows up as far as his spleen and if your uniform doesn't look like a Jackson Pollock by the end of the shift you're a blood feces urine sputum pus take your pick it brings no you Daffy cow it's rhubarb crumble with the patients a bloke in bed falls quite sweet I wouldn't recommend it why not I think he's just going into a coma please all the blokes on the ward am I ever gonna feel normal and not have a headache well I have to get used to it as my Barry what feeling rough all the time no having it off with a headache oh look here comes the consultant that is gorgeous sister mr. Barbieri's got Q waves on his ECG with raised ST segments and T wave inversions showing evidence of myocardial hypertrophy so GTN for the time being and hourly B M sticks to avoid ketoacidosis gosh that was dreamy what did it all mean so no I just humor the mad bother are there even any nice Porter's no I'm afraid they really all do look like Frankie and Casualty I can see the NHS has had it nurses are demoralized administrators are hopeless and I can't keep a doctor awake long enough for a snob let alone to come and see a patient anyone who works as a nurse must be either an angel or off their head I'm covering for casualty tonight it's gonna be a nightmare hello it's the police there's been a major terrorist attack on Tory Party headquarters they want to bring them here give me that right now I'm sorry bots and guys the clothes were absolutely snowed under here Lutins not taking any area patients mattresses understaffed so I'm afraid your nearest casualty is Aberdeen oh yeah yeah all right I'll send a student nurse down with some first aid okay right now see take that what is it it's a urine bottle now it's our turn to take the piss see my GP the other day and said my periods two months overdue I keep getting blackouts in the street for no apparent reason I'm very depressed all the time and I keep having dreams about suicide and he said to me you really should lose some weight miss brand pretty bad the way that tourists get exploited in this country particularly by the church as a massive great shop at Westminster Abbey it's getting so huge they're gonna have to call it Jesus Christ superstore it's nice to see how sensitive modern companies are to the whole sort of ecological thing I mean basically they get a count of washing powder same old there before put a dolphin on the front hey-ho ecological washing paradigm sort of with the times I actually used to wear whalebone corsets Greenpeace came around and fire bombed my knicker drawer is that because I've had a difficult childhood you know and I had a difficult childhood because I had two brothers who are extremely aggressive and most kids have imaginary friends called something like Primrose or Bluebell my brother's imaginary friends were called J Edgar Hoover and Klaus Barbie my brothers either going out to play was to lure me into the woods with a sherbert fountain tie me to a tree and kick the out of me now my mum unfortunately didn't actually notice any of the scars or bruises that appeared all over me when I was a child which is probably why she did so well in her career as a social worker I shouldn't say this because she's been quite ill lately she had a heart attack just before I started filming this and actually I went up to stay with her to look after her for a few days and it was a very wide though it was all gonna happen again and went downstairs one day had to make a cup of tea came up with it and she was lying on the floor and I thought oh my god she's had another one lying on the floor trying to program the video mother that's all from me thank you very much hope you've had a good night and see you goodbye

Channel: Smudge118

Views: 5,783

Rating: 4.7058825 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: fZQd-JHMgb0

Length: 9min 55sec (595 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 31 2018