Jimmy Carr Royal Variety Performance 2013

please welcome the very well turned out mr. Janica what good evening ladies and gentlemen you well Marla someone came up to me outside and when I thought you'd be younger I said I was I was in a hotel having breakfast the waiter came down he went he went you want white or brown toast I said all toast is brown you'll think in a bread I tell you one know about dwarves very little I can say that I look up to me um I've got a question for you ladies German just everyone answer this does anyone in this room believe in the supernatural ghosts and spirits and the like anyone it's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted it isn't grow up a lot of people maybe some of you a lot of people text while striving I'm not excusing it but we've all done things we regret when we're drunk we have all done things we regret when we're drunk some of you may be with one of them this evening though giver a nudge my girlfriend bought a t-shirt for 80 pounds that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt would you agree it's great 80 pounds rhodesia it said D and G on the front I suppose fair enough one of her boobs is bigger than the other uh-huh 10% of women have cried in a shop changing room I guess they weren't expecting to see me there I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt I thought that shows a lot of balls my girlfriend always wants to stay in on a Sunday night on watch Downton Abbey but I want to go out and get a new girlfriend I thought it'd be okay for me to have sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on a break but apparently I ruined that weekend at centre parks it's a great feeling when you get a woman you've been chasing for miles for me fine about you but for me I think the most important thing in a relationship is trust trust because if you're with a woman and you don't a hundred percent trust her how do you know she isn't gonna tell you a wife if my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral she would be spinning in her ditch I don't like you I don't like celebrities that are only famous because of who their parents are like Calum pests and peaches geldof and Jesus not you obviously my granddad always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room which is ultimately what led to him losing his disability living allowance I was in the high street near where I live I saw a girl with a guide dog and a white stick I went up to him I went you must be blind he said tell me something I don't know I said there's a tree over there I would think about adoption I don't have kids but if I had kids I think I would have them adopted people criticize madonna but the kid she adopted fair trade Oh [Applause] a few Pantone oh I'm loving it sometimes after the show if I buy a young lady a drink they get the wrong idea she thinks I'm just a nice guy buying her a drink [Music] see every night after the show I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door and sometimes I let them out well I'm sure you agree that is quite enough for me I've been Jimmy Carr thank you very much indeed for having me [Applause] you [Music] now it's become a tradition under

Channel: Paul Morgan

Views: 878,316

Rating: 4.8846684 out of 5

Keywords: Jimmy Carr (TV Personality), Royal Variety Performance (TV Program), Live, Concert, itv, stv, Television, Reality

Id: 75f9QnfbGGw

Length: 5min 3sec (303 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 10 2013