The Royal Variety Performance 2018 (ITV)

[Music] welcome to the London Palladium for the Royal Variety Performance in the presence of their Royal Highnesses the Duke and Duchess of Sussex the show is in aid of the Royal Variety Charity of which Her Majesty the Queen is patron their Royal Highnesses are introduced at lori mansfield like president of the charity and its chairman giles people the royal party greets some of the stars of tonight's show Jamar Westman and Rachel John from Hamilton as well as take that [Music] as their royal highnesses make their way into the theatre the state trumpeters of the band of the household cavalry together with members of the Invictus games choir lead the national anthem [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] the Royal Highnesses Lords ladies and gentlemen would you please welcome your host for this evening mr. Greg David [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] very subjective and welcome to the Royal Variety Performance 2018 it is the biggest night in show business it's an absolute honor to be here supporting this wonderful charity you're in for an incredible night and can just say straight off the bat on a personal note how delightful it is for me to come on stage for once and not be the oldest person in the room as a compliment I am a middle-aged man and I despise anyone under the age of 25 look and see this wonderful sea of grey heads it is absolute delight for me and isn't it nice to be it first of all to be in a theater and for all of the older grumpy people to be downstairs and whilst up in the box there's a lovely young vibrant couple with their whole lives in front of them in many ways later gentlemen tonight it's going to be a reverse Muppet Show please a huge welcome for the Duke and Duchess of Sussex [Applause] on behalf of us I'm sure you all agree we would like to congratulate them on their wonderful news I have a system when I do a show when I come out into a comedy show I have a simple system and it's this I go home to my mother's house with a little book and I wait for her and her friends to say absolutely bonkers things I rock them in my little book I learn them I go out into theaters I repeat what they've said and then I keep all the money what do I ever get out of it Greg what do I ever get out of being the butt of your jokes well I'll tell you what she's had so far she's had two thirds of the price of a conservatory and a fate of five hundred so when I got offered this show I knew I had no choice I knew I had to do it straightaway not only because it's a great honor for me obviously but also because my mother is a huge fan of the royal family and I knew that she would love it and I'm thrilled that my mum is here tonight [Applause] now presented for you the top five most ridiculous things that my mum and her friends have said about royalty [Music] coming in at number 5 from the recent royal tour to Australia the Duchess was given a slightly unusual gift in Australia she was presented with a bunch of carrots against that you took it with very good grace you seemed genuinely thrilled with the carrots which is no mean feat to congratulations on that did not go down well with my mum ladies and gentlemen she said and I quote it's disgraceful giving a Duchess carrots as a gift [Applause] what so let's do the video right with your mom coming in number four I watched the Royal Wedding with my mum and her best friend Pat and we were having a lovely time and when Prince Harry was first seen on the screens my mum said there's Prince Harry doesn't he look handsome and her best friend Pat turned round and said yes I think all of a single [Applause] what you think you were in with a shot party that's will in the world parties a 78 year old school blaster ladies and gentlemen she would tell you herself she's past her prime and I quote I'm thinking of getting my teeth fixed they're beginning to look like a bag of quavers the celebrity guests started arriving at the wedding and my mum spotted George Clooney she said oh look how lovely that's George Clooney at the wedding and she turned to Pat and she said you met George Clooney once didn't you and this is probably my favorite quote Pat replied no I propose nothing once the wedding was underway my mum turned to me and said you know what worries me I said go on she said I'm worried that the Queen owns all of the swans in the country and I said why does that worry you mum and she said well I'd to get in trouble if I get one and I said are you planning to eat a swan mum to which she replied by accident is it ma'am I mean when we were kids I once saw my sister accidentally eat a marble but I am yet to see a grown woman walking by a lake lose her footing for somehow unhinge her lower jaw and consume a 60 pound freshwater bird but I do want to see that I do want to see it I've got one more quote from my beloved mother but before I tell you that I'd like you to welcome on to stage my footman for the Royal Variety Performance it's Nikhil Alex Horne [Applause] thank you hello Alex Alex is extremely excited I imagine to be here at the Royal Variety show I was excited I didn't know about the outfit so impressive outfit he looks lovely doesn't he ladies gentlemen thank you very much I have one more quote from you from my mother it's not funny it's just true we were watching the Royal Wedding and my mum said to me because she knows doing the writing forms said you worried about it I said I'm a little nervous yes she said you don't need to you don't need to be nervous love let's put the quote up can we and I'll be honest with you those youngin she said it with her with the arrogance of someone who'd met the entire family and I thought it was an idea that I should explore fully on stage so I've written a song for you sir I hope it's appropriate explores the idea that our nuns are the same it's called my nan your nan my nun likes to potter in the garden although she will concede that the cold rather gets to her knees my man likes doing cryptic crosswords and the kettle's always on cuz she drinks endless cups of tea [Music] and you're nine your Nan's the actual Queen [Music] nipple shortbread biscuits she stopped to like to drive sir she's against a bus or a train [Music] [Applause] she worries about the weather she always keeps abroad like a case of rain and talking of raisins your Nan's a constitutional head of state and no one can form a government with that chicken set Jesus descended from a thousand year my Nan's face is not on Marnie [Music] by man she like second chips in the egg girls like to race the tide a new that she's always she has her name on ships [Music] [Music] when you're not somewhere contain a fortress that guarded by relevance [Music] your man she has love soft foot my Nazis the footman on Tuesdays because she's got cause [Applause] mine has a country farms my hand has a party warmer winter coats thanks on my nasty towels you work for my dad [Music] that's the chat culprits come you're not the head of the Anglican Church 12 Prime Minister [Music] accorded many titles my nan has a cord above her bath was plagued by heaven there [Music] indirectly offensive coronation chair [Music] freak a.m. on Christmas Day [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] came up which is institution and here's another one ladies and gentlemen [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] coming up George Ezra Hamilton the musical and the sensational and prayer and Matteo Bocelli [Music] [Applause] 20 tickets next perform left from Norway has had an incredible year with sold-out performances impressive record sales and on the eve of a European tour with maroon 5 she joins us to perform her standout single strangers it is the sensational Sigrid [Applause] [Music] just like in the movies then starts to rain Joey where the broken beauties like folding breaks Collider we for when my curtain drops I TARDIS testator dialect in the movies I stopped after the [Music] [Music] Oh [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] I don't want you only wine is the one [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] they disinfectant back by popular demand please welcome comedian rod Woodward [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you so much good evening great to be here we're living the dream the Royal Variety show marriage is an adventure it is my wife she she surprises me on a daily basis you won't believe what she came out with the other day I couldn't leave it Jia she suggested a little bit of romantic roleplay I don't I thought oh I'm not sure but in the end I thought nothing ventured I said okay then and she introduced me to another man I said who is that she said he'll be playing the part of you I said no chance so in the end we compromised she was a schoolteacher I was a naughty schoolboy who needed to be punished which was fantastic until she got my parents involved it's our wedding anniversary the other day and my wife and I we thought we would go out make a night of it it started off weird like I was ready first I'm stood by the door waiting to go my wife comes down she takes one look at me she said you're not seriously thinking of wearing that out are you I said No these are my making up my mind clothes I just put these on to help me decide what I'm really gonna wear these are my thinking pants there we go so we end up in our favorite Italian restaurant and the waiter comes over he's a new guy and he's like an Italian stallion flirt machine oh he's made a beeline for my wife very handsome man ignored me completely he starts serenading at the table is like that way and him [Music] and my wife she's got all goopy she's singing along she's like that some moron pointed at me what's a lot of them he went what do you fancy apart from me I got a button I said excuse me I'm here as well well he turned to me with disdain he went there what do you want everybody looked over they all went quite even what do you what I thought pick anything off the menu just order anything I said I love the pad Jionni please he went that's page one you Muppet it turns out he's one of these waiters who likes you to have a go at the pronunciation it was speaking to me in Italian I shall like wood but there's no need because I could see what I wanted I love the lasagne I said the lasagna Alif oh no he when his for no yesterday is it is for no even repeat after me for no I went for no way they react estoy odd is he when you try and he disappeared in a big flurry of talcum powder I said to my wife I said I I don't like him I do not like him which upset her because she did like give her and the thing is with my wife when she's upset like a lot of ladies she's got this amazing ability it's a talent whereby she can turn into a ventriloquist just so she can give me a rollicking in a public place don't you do for a minute I didn't know who was talking I got I thought it was like the voice of God I said can you hear that oh is that just me I saw I'm just saying I don't like him okay I don't like him and he's not having a tip I couldn't wait for him to come back at the end of the night with his little silver tray he plunked it down in front of me there we are my friend all my friend now is it I said they were my friend they built under the credit card machine he's here when it asked you if you like you to leave a tip you just press this button for yes I said well I'll be pressing this one for her [Applause] time [Applause] ladies and gentlemen taken from Andrea Bocelli's number-one album see please welcome to the stage Andrea and his very talented son Mateo with all of me don't know what's right for me I cannot see straight I've been here too long and I don't wanna wait for it I like you can't a ball straight to my soul tear me to pieces [Music] oh willing to fight for it and carry this way but with every step I keep questioning me fold on me with all your with Oh with [Music] that are we lost em they drove us up or a sense of birthday [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] stay tuned Cirque du Soleil Tina Tina Turner musical [Applause] variety favorite our next act never ceases to amaze and astound their latest show totem opens at the Royal Albert Hall in January and here with an extract from that show seen for the first time on British television it's sad to say [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's really incredible sector slightly ladies and gentlemen please welcome back from circus lay the brilliant when when and me are [Applause] I will shuttle to the brilliant when winning me a bat backstage through their interpreter my Mandarin is not what it once was so I won't attempt to interview them I learnt that just to get proficient on one of those incredible unicycles it takes six full years but to get up and do a simple ride can be done fairly quickly and so with their help it's a first for the Royal Variety you're going to see a man rise one of those long unicycles for the first time because I am prepared to sacrifice my footmen [Applause] you're gonna need to pop that song why it's not dangerous why do I have to wear this then it is dangerous the ladies are very kindly offered to support get off get on this ladies gentleman should be an example of just how dedicated you do need to be to master Oh God let's get an encouraging clap going later jack [Applause] but winded and that's the dedication it takes to get good at that ladies and gentlemen [Applause] an example there of a performer that doesn't need anything but a healthy dose of common sense by stark contrast tonight's charity does incredible work on behalf of those who need and deserve our support for over a hundred years the Royal Variety Performance has raised funds to provide a safe home for retired workers of the entertainment industry who fallen on hard times palaces it brings worth house or as we know it a paradise for old pros the building was purchased in 1911 by the variety artists benevolent fund the name may have changed but it's the same charity that still supports the house today you know you come in here and you feel the homeliness you feel a warmth or friendliness of the staff but it isn't a place just to stay it's actually a place to live you can really tell how much the staff here care for the residents there's even the old pros bar and why not with walls lined with some well-known faces you can only imagine some of the stories that must have been told over the years you know it all started with the names on this board 600 people variety artists were often on the road touring all year round never settling down to own a home and when they took their final bow and left the stage there was little or no help so the industry came together and created this place a home for its own today Bryn's birth is still a home for people who have worked in the entertainment industry performers technicians on stage or behind the cameras the noble 600 went on their own King George the fifth and Queen Mary our Queens grandparents began attending the Royal shows since then the generations of our royal family have attended each and every year for me what makes this place so special is that it's here to help those who are less fortunate and who have strived all their lives to entertain others but now need our support [Music] I'm backstage of this idiot and to reassure you ever since fine how you feeling mmm-hmm Alex I'm asking you how you're feeling I'm trying to tell you how I'm feeling don't you mean I'm just trying to tell you how I'm feeling I'm trying to make you understand never gonna give you [Applause] and desert you still to go circus 1918 please and it and Britain's Got Talent winner Lost Boys guard [Music] [Applause] [Music] five consecutive number-one singles and an astonishing 10 billion streams to date this act have definitely made a big impression since their debut four years ago here tonight to perform an exclusive medley with special guest marina please welcome clean bandit [Applause] [Music] I'm sorry [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] nobody I do [Music] standing here in an empty room I saw you there I'm a blood ran cold take me back to the room September don't know however go always using nofollow you are putting get enough give my heart to another lover don't know how I ever let you go find me another place and time if only if only you are mine but I'm already someone else's baby guess I have my last child [Music] [Music] all right these someone else's [Applause] [Music] [Applause] fresh from wiring audiences around the world the next act will have you on the edge of your seats as they impress with jaw-dropping stunts and extraordinary animal puppetry about to open at the Royal Festival Hall please welcome the spectacular circus [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] 20 more to come including hot sensation George Ezra brilliant [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the biggest pitch of the summer taken from the biggest selling album of the year this next performer makes his Royal Variety W tonight please give a very warm welcome to the wonderful [Applause] [Music] [Music] I'm [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] type I spy in the yellow and green stick around did you see or not me there's a mountaintop [Music] that's my baby girl on the slippery Riesling darkest something we'll see I'll be dancing jobs I believe in like a song I'll be riding Shah [Applause] [Music] [Applause] this summer our next guests performed for television audience of millions when he gave a spellbinding performance at the wedding of your Royal Highnesses that you can Duchess of Sussex the only people at the wedding who missed it were yourselves as you were busy signing the register so we would like to take you back to that magical day this is the wrong this is entirely the wrong link yeah yeah I'm gonna walk on a gap I'll tell you if it goes wrong again I'm walking that's not gonna work on tonight lay that sarcastic cheer I'm sorry mum Tina the Tina Turner musical had its world premiere at London's Aldwych theatre earlier this year and it has gone on to break box office records it follows the inspiring story of Tina's life and in this exclusive extract we meet her on the verge of stardom as she enters the recording studio let's meet Tom Godwin playing the legendary Phil Spector and a hugely talented Adrian Warren [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] mr. Specter Xena welcome the queen of rock and roll I'm happy you finally came off the road to record with me this will be well let us see what it will be huh okay Tina do it again something wrong mr. Spektor Tina I just need you to sing the melody it goes Tina you're coming in too fast it's feeling a bit rushed look I need you to sing on the beat it's gonna go but bad at a pop-up out of the pop-up but above and in the silence the silence is where I want you to plant your feet and sing like you're singing to the God in yourself do you know what that feels like yes as a matter of fact I do good try it again no pushing and ladies and gentlemen let's take it up to b-flat [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] when you were a young boy [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] still to come tonight the award-winning pebbles on the music boy sky and more paper [Music] [Applause] I'm here to introduce the winner of Britain's Got Talent this year for me we've had some incredible contestants over the years this guy is unique courageous talented naughty and the moment he won was one of the greatest moments I will ever remember and he deserves what's going to happen tonight which is to perform in front of the royal family which is a huge deal probably the biggest prize in talent shows his name is Lee also known as lost voice guy [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen are you all very well before we get started I don't always get walked onto stage by a glamorous assistant I just noticed that the bloke over there looks like a benefit fraud inspector trying to look as disabled as possible [Applause] it's straight to be in the Royal Variety Performance you're probably wondering what was the best thing about winning the show was it the 250 grand prize money all the chance to perform in front of the royal family well I'd love to answer that question but according to this new Apple watch it's time to drive my Porsche to the airport I'm drinking as if I Drive myself to the airport but now that I've hit the big time nothing will shut me up unless there's a power cut one of the main advantages of winning a television show is that I get a lot more female attention that's right my grandma rings me at least twice a year to perform in America it was such a great experience flying first-class to Los Angeles in fact I was speechless on the plane that's the problem with being put into flight mode [Applause] I'm currently writing my autobiography as well I'm not sure who I want to read the audio version though I can't decide between the self-service checkout guy and the bloke who tells you when heavy goods vehicles are reversing when I was little my parents sat me down and explained to me that I couldn't talk like other people I thought I was really special then I realized that every Georgia child had the exact same conversation I know not everyone likes the cold weather at Christmas and I'm not a fan of it either when my hands are freezing it takes me three hours just to say one sentence but I quite like the snow really it's the only time of the year that you will walk as badly as I do [Applause] before I go can I just say one last thing your Royal Highnesses what a truly incredible honor it has been feel you both to come face to face with the actual winner entropies got darling you've been a fantastic audience even if you haven't I can't really change what I say of this I hope you have it fun laughing at a disabled man enjoy the rest of your night [Applause] [Music] now it's a huge pleasure to introduce a very special performance from the hottest show in town it's broken records on both sides of the Atlantic winning numerous Tony Grammy and Olivier Awards here performing the musicals opening number please welcome the incredible cast of Hamilton son of a whore and a Scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by Providence impoverished in squalor grow up to be a hero and a scholar the $10.00 founding father without a father got a lot farther by working a lot harder by being a lot smarter by being a self-starter five ports Eve they placed him in charge of a trading charter and every day while slaves were being slaughtered and carted away across the waves he struggled and kept his guard up inside he was longing for something to be a part of the brother was ready to beg steal borrow apart then Kame Kame and tell the station ran diamond saw his future trip dripping down the drain but a pursuit sir his chapel connected it to his brain and he wrote his first refrain a testament to his pain and said this kid is insane man took a election just to send him to the mainland yet your avocation don't forget from whence you came and the world's gonna know your name Alexander Hamilton [Applause] two million things I haven't done [Music] he was father Alex and his mother [Music] [Music] nothing left to do for someone lets us - he would have been dead or destitute without a chance our prostitution cooking for his late mother's landlord everybody can daddy's hands on the future see him now [Music] and and in New York you can be a new [Applause] [Music] trust you [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] we fought with him I died for him me I'm the damn fool that shot him [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] that is Kjell Magne is a real treat to me now to institute a genuinely good friends of mine he was once voted the sexiest man in Wales in what I can only presume was an administrative error on the eve of his eagerly awaited first UK tour for six years please welcome one of Wales's finest comedy exports but one only please go wild for mr. [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you make some noise it's not me to be it's good to be back it is a six years since I've done stand-up comedy to be honest to you I had no plans to return I had no intention of ever doing it again but then I met a bloke called job because my friend John had a gift lady Germany had a wonderful beautiful simple gift and it is the greatest gift you can give to any comedian place in general my new friend John was fakers things mints every time I knew something good was coming he said the thing is what the thing is and I would get my pen and that's great work in the end there was so much of it that I started recording him on this little device and then writing it into this book laser jammer and this book I call the book of John this is a faithful record of many of our conversations I'm going to start you off with a very easy one a very easy one a ten-minute argument about frozen frogs I'll give you the context tell me the context basically my wife and I we like to go to Iceland I'll holiday that's kind of our destination of the country not the shop the country we go to the country Friday Reykjavik we hired a 4x4 that if you've ever done it we visit the ice fields we go and see the Northern Lights this wonderful place so I recommended it to John my new friends are not interested rod not interested don't go - I said no interest whatsoever I said why's that John he said because my favourite thing in the world is seafood and Charlie's worried laser jamming that he won't be able to get fresh prawns in I said you can isn't it yet right this is his thing you know this is because there's always some logic with John there's always some logic in here this is his logic is that you won't be able to get fresh prawns in Iceland because the sea around Iceland is so cold that Icelandic fishermen can only fish for frozen prawns but is what we are dealing with ladies and gentlemen that is what we were up against so I sent you I said because I thought maybe I've misunderstood maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick you know right so I asked so I thought I'll clarify what he's saying so I said you're saying John you are saying and this is the bit I want to be very clear about you're saying that frozen prawns and this is the key word Liv Rosenthal's live in the sea around Iceland yes rod how else would they survive I said how did they survive if they're frozen how do they you know how do they adapt he said oh they're born frozen then born lots of frozen parents bronze help the whole family is frozen they said yes I said what do they look like they got heads he said of course they got heads course he got heads from they've got a reach he's flawless if I said what can lead some net frozen solid until they get to the food outed he said on the heat and the frozen stuff what are we talking about peace he'll impose potato waffles what the hell are we talking fingers crispy pancakes I said one last question John I said you know when you you know when you go to the supermarket and you buy a bag of frozen problems and you put that in the car and you get that at home and you put that bag of frozen prawns in your freezer I said he you saved on those prongs in theory could still be a laughs oh no no [Applause] hotel in Manchester all night and I need my room backed onto the carpark the back of the hotel and I was up all night almost tonight because there was a an aircon unit or a generator I play with the sound right I play the Sun this was the sound this is how noisy it was in my bedroom so I didn't get a very good good night's sleep because because I was this in this swipe right ball recorded right that was the plan I thought I'd record it because my you know I was going to go and complain in the morning I thought I've gone complain right and go down to reception I play for you now right I'll play for you and I was going to complain I was gonna go down if you hear that that's what it was like in my room so I was gonna go down in the morning and I was gonna say could you sleep with this could you put up with this I want to see the manager position I didn't in the end of terrace even forgot about it right but then the next morning I spoke to John and something you should know about John is he's a fixer I join as a fixer he loves a problem to solve loves to get his teeth into it loves to get his head into a problem and come up with a solution that only he could think of right so we had this conversation John said how did he sleep I said ha not very well John my room was too noisy so when he hit the fixer ready for Jordan's innovative solution to a bad night's sleep John try and sleep tonight maybe that's it it's worth a shot isn't it but then I said then I said then he said to me he said what was the noise what was the noise anyway and I said oh well it was like a humming like a buzzing high-pitched buzzing humming sound I said you can hear it if you want oh yeah he said oh that's terrible oh that's awful yeah so was that all night I said off pretty much he said oh no wonder you couldn't sleep I said I know and he said oh I see that I see that machine for a second like Davidson he said thing is there you go it's a great cause [Applause] [Music] performance from Royal Wedding cellist shaytans animation [Music] [Applause] ladies and gentlemen it's Alexander Armstrong [Music] [Applause] ladies and gentlemen your Royal Highnesses what what a year of news it has been we've had everything from bad news to really bad news to terrible news we've had a wonderful range of news having me now imagine if the world existed where we could rewrite our news like it like a sort of soap the very tempting wouldn't it to kill off all the main characters but here is the team from the imitation game to rewrite the soap we are all living through please welcome Debra Stephenson Luke Kepner Jan Ravens and Rory Bremner [Music] [Applause] good evening you're all hard asses Lords ladies and gentlemen it's great to be here I want to say you know I've got to say it's so good to be here tonight at the London imodium I think there's ever been so many people in this theater before there's got to be half a million people here tonight there's got to be are you ready to go let's roll the tape 2018 quite a year wasn't it it was like one long straight road was it good for you let's not go there shall we any highlights for you know my hair is entirely natural the highlight for me was a trip to blending han palace now I love that that was really good [Music] well if he drives over us at least we won't have to be dunno is it I hope that under steps I hate steps I hate steps oh don't worry we've covered them up with this nice carpet nice carpet great color yes well I like it and so much of it was left over that I was able to fashion this frock maxi maxi where troops might carry guns I love this music you know I used to play the cymbals No then we have the wedding oh the royal wedding I didn't go I was ironing my hair but look I'm a great friend of Megan Merkel I know a mother very well Angela you know her I know you're thinking of resigning and I was wondering if the Baroness could just run away like David Cameron did and write a book and a shepherd's hut wearing little space pieces we could be like Thelma and Louise and drive off oh no not not like the Brad Pitt fit of course and not like the driving over a cliff bit which I seem to be doing of my own accord Oh president macron has been advised of my discussions with angular Merkel and she thinks brexit is going very well you know what that's do I yes he doesn't believe her either yeah get off better wait while Teresa takes this have you been involved in a referendum that wasn't your fault France is a very small country we have a very big president you have this guy here okay very special relationship it's a special there's like a civil partnership that's what it is except for the you know that little chip on his shoulder there it is let's get that out the French fry I guess yeah only kidding sorry about that Emmanuel I'm sorry really despite a busy year I've still found time for the important things get up get for not like a sex machine [Applause] start the car well the schools are in let's see what the judges have to say Bruno Oh Riza you are the teaser I'm telling you you would like the African Queen but I have to tell you my darling we have to restrict your freedom of movement [Applause] that's the Teresa they start dancing in the summer our football team attended Li World Cup did you go to Russia I wasn't involved plan Emir Putin in my life right we have a little something for you ok quick pass it here quickly too slow you're dead [Applause] thank you thank you so much that's great thank you it's ticking but don't worry about that thank you you know reminds me of when I used to play for Arsenal United you know it's still ticking Melania I think this is for you happy be Mouse unbelievable really you know there's their summer of football coming home if you're in a home in France which I do is lovely little shadow ask me a few nice back to his vision believed in himself and but for me like when it comes down to it the real winner is waistcoats Prime Minister what do you think is the biggest problem facing the planet at the moment they were warming clearly no I don't believe that I don't go along with that Teresa okay for me that is fake news all right where is the evidence we really make the most of the sun's conditions this gorgeous Alan Titchmarsh design couldn't tie their rock and sound or this one by Monty Don he wasn't just sounding rock but what what missing Harris's lovely little droplets we had when we were younger what do they call them oh yes rain well we've had the hottest year for decades we see the damage done like plastics and Donald Trump I think the best thing I can do now is to blow the whole thing [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] mr. our next guests performed for a television audience of millions when he gave a spellbinding performance at the wedding of your Royal Highnesses the Duke and Duchess of Sussex the only people at the wedding who missed it were yourselves as you're too busy signing the register so we would like to take you back to that magical day here with a prayin rev by for a the brilliant shake ooh canna Mason [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Applause] thank you Thank You shake you for that beautiful rendition I first saw Shaco perform at the Royal Wedding and I was blown away by his talent but I did feel a gentleman that was a gap in the market for something a little more commercial I immediately contacted his people and tonight I'm thrilled to be able to announce our joint venture a new album being released on tall and fat records delighted to present shake ooh Kanna Mason performs songs that are clearly beneath me an album of classic tracks that should never have been recorded on the cello songs from around the world songs like this during classic from the east [Music] [Applause] moving from the world of television into the much anticipated raga classical crossover as Laysan becomes shaggy can you Mason it wasn't me from a dancehall classic to a movie single on cello meets Spielberg in the ultimate joining if you know it crowd-pleaser and [Music] the equally catchy follow-up jaws to [Music] he's better than every single song on this album shake who brings you the fun tones of yesteryear [Applause] and finally who won't be moved by this timeless 80s classic [Music] cello [Applause] Kirilenko [Applause] our next performer is a stand-up comedian who regularly entertains us on Mock the Week he's a really good friend of mine despite the fact that when we were on tour together I was regularly plunged into a genuine depression when on a daily basis someone asked me if he was my son variety welcome to the super blue talented the superbly funny mr. ed gumball [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you Dad great day we're still fighting for 82 it's a miracle lovely to be here ladies and gentlemen of the raw variety very exciting indeed I come here with a warning though I had my first ever massage this year made a bit of a mistake I was very hungry before I had my massage went for a full roast chicken dinner and then immediately went for a massage appointment yeah that silence would suggest you know that I made an error there so I don't know if you react to a full roast chicken dinner the same way I react to a full roast chicken dinner but when I've had a full roast chicken dinner let's just say that the forecast is for prevailing winds I arrived in the lady giving me the massage quite small lady little hands little sweet glasses I thought she does not look like she has enough power to push any gas out of me today turns out she was a very powerful woman she was a UFC fighter packed into a child's body she told me before even got to that situation we had a whole other hurdle to get over I was lying on my front you'll know Fifi for a massage you lie on your front there's a hole in the table isn't there you line your front you put your face through the hole it's very comfortable they also put a sheet of paper down on that table in case there's any oil spillages during the massage they can screw up the paper throw it away put fresh paper down for a new person there is supposed to be a slit in that paper where the hole is so you can put your face through easily I do not know what had happened on that day but I received slip less paper the first five minutes of my massage trying to lick my way through some paper until it was wet enough that I could be born into the massage surrender stir just desperately pushing my face through like watching a calf being born it was horrible then we got to the main issue I was doing everything I could to hold it all in I was clenching every single muscle in my body and my eyes shut because I thought one might escape through there she knew something was going on it's like she knew every technique she was using seems to be designed to release them from me at one point she put her arm on the top of me like this and pushed the full length of my body down like she was trying to get the last bit of ketchup out of a sachet at one point she said oh you feel very tense I thought yeah so should you do quite frankly one false move and I will take your glasses off your face half an hour and I thought I'm gonna have to do something about this I've paid for a massage I have never been more stressed in my life all I could think was this is all I could think to do I thought I'm just gonna have to try and release one quickly and hope she doesn't notice I thought just open the tap read and then shut off again very quickly you know your own body you can do a silent 100 months it turns out I do not know my own body because yes I did one no it was by no means silent and I did it completely the wrong moment like I say I was lying on my front she took my ankle and pulled my lower leg towards my leg and with the motion of that leg I let rip I did that now ladies and gentlemen normally at this point of the story I would make the noise with my mouth but I thought this is far too magnificent and regal an occasion to do such a thing and I do have a full orchestra at my disposal so I will be miming what happened when she pulled my leg using mark on the trombone yawn for this mark this is gonna be a special evening for all of us involved okay here we go [Music] [Applause] ma did you think I had an elephant hidden up there no you went for another one there no don't worry she she went for the leg again after that after that happened there was a little pause where I thought what maybe she didn't hear that well guess what she definitely heard it she probably felt it she was in the lower quadrant her hair probably blue but like a Beyonce video she said it's okay you can relax that's what I realized I've been so worried about being rude by doing that during the massage I'm not taking into account that doing that in a massage is actually the ultimate compliment to the massives shows that they have helped you reach a level of relaxation where you don't mind popping in front of a stranger and once I realized that everywhere she touched me I gave her a little compliment ladies and gentlemen you've been very nice I'm off to eat a full roast chicken dinner before I meet that you can only [Music] [Applause] [Music] his first pick at 19 and has since gone on to sell millions of records worldwide it's an incredible 30 years since his last appearance at the Royal Variety which if you're interested I've worked out is about 1.2 George Ezra's so it's a welcome return for our next performer over the title track from his latest album beautiful life it is the Mighty [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] we [Music] to prove it [Music] [Applause] [Music] don't know Oh we [Music] [Music] me [Music] you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it's [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] our next performer won the prestigious best comedy award at this year's Edinburgh Festival I absolutely love her please give the warmest of welcomes to the rising star that is rose mattifier [Applause] Kyoto Kyoto hello everyone how are you you well my name is rose I'll tell you it about myself and I'm from New Zealand thank you for clapping I can be zealand and I've got to say this is a really big deal it's a really huge honor because it's televised back in New Zealand so very quickly I hope you don't mind here's a quick shout out hi mum hi mum yeah hope you're watching wherever you are never meet her but miss you come back good you laugh about those things I am from New Zealand culturally I am half New Zealand European and to have someone half Polynesian they wear get my curly hair actually of a Polynesian side I'm very proud of it I'm hoping I like a bit curly here but I've got to say it had a resurgence lately having curly here very popular get a lot of compliments but I do find there is a kind of patronizing undertone to a lot of the compliments you get about having curly hair because it always comes from people who do not have curly here themselves right so it always be like oh my god I wish I'd curly here I love your curly here I love its ogre and you know what you're so brave as well you're so brave yeah it really takes guts to do what you do yeah it takes guts to do what they let you know ugly I'm actually going back to New Zealand for Christmas this year which is very exciting and mostly exciting for me because I've been put in a charge of a very fun family tradition we have which is that we make our own homemade Christmas crackers and I've been put in charge of that this year so this year I actually decided to mix it up a little bit mix it up and have you know Christmas cracker jokes usually getting a Christmas cracker it'll funnel jokes but I've decided to replace all of the punchlines to those jokes with things that I'd be meaning to get off my chest to my family for an entire year now so I'll crack into them I'm some of you might know the answers these the classic Christmas jokes so this first one here is what is Santa's favorite color what a Santa's favorite color and I'm covered in here we all know you lost your job Hamish sort of a tinsel on the air it's a classic knock-knock Claire Michael Michael oh sorry Richard I missed that one out Richard Richard again Tony I missed it I mean Tony actually sorry for the backstory this is just me trying to figure out what my aunt's boyfriend's name is this next one doesn't have much to do with Christmas but it's still fun why did the spider go to the ball I don't know it doesn't really make sense does it it's sort of like how Candace is here even though she's not a blood relative and it's a family only Christmas and two years ago I wasn't allowed to invite my boyfriend Ben even though we've moved in together anyway that's just his ad look Kevin the Wellness Coaches family preaches a wellness coach we all familiar with a wet water Wellness Coaches someone you pay to take all the joy from your life that Rosie you well you well well Rosie well you don't make your green smoothie you'll make your green smoothie put some moss I picked up a side of a council rubbish bin oh you well spiralizer at home Rose got to get a spiral eyes because what the spiral eyes what you can do is you can make pasta and of course it's Spencer and what you can do is you can is season up their pasture with your own salty tears from your unfulfilled life so the last one I'll do and this is a classic and you will know the answer to this but thank you very much for having me and this is what is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman I think we all know this one snow woman get paid as substantially less than snow men in most industries thank you shout out to the one snow woman clapping [Applause] [Music] [Applause] time now to remember some of the much-loved names from the worlds of comedy music and entertainment we've sadly lost this year now I present to you the Queen of Soul miss Aretha Franklin [Music] see [Music] [Music] it's always hard it's so good to see my darling I think face lifts intimate irrigation tubes Botox John I heard every word you search is there nothing like him [Music] this is gonna be one to think we're all gonna spend the next seven and a half hours sitting here like to introduce myself my name's Killa father dodge Playboy photographic model and failed accountant [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you're up to be surprised well we're almost at the end of the show and what a great night it's been Alex you enjoyed that ah did you not enjoy yourself not really I genuinely hurt myself in the unicycle and you've genuinely been very mean to me thank you they would not have treated me like that back in the day what you mean back in the day back in the day Jimmy Tarbuck wouldn't treated me like that is that right well let's find out shall we ladies and gentlemen the great mr. Jimmy Tarbuck [Applause] hello Jimmy Alex seems to think that you would have gotten easier right if he's been the host though does he now let me tell you what I've learned in show business pal you've got to get out there and capture them smile love them and they love you you understand that I think so you're not a nervous man are you no you get out there capture this audience wonderful theatre but be real be real that's what you've got to do we'll do Jimmy [Applause] thank you but to me in just a moment I don't know you were this big I wouldn't have done this good to be back that great to be back you enjoying yourself how about a right old time to me good it's time for our finale ladies gentlemen so it only remains for Jimmy and I to thank some people can I please get a big round of applause first of all for every single performance [Applause] and not celebrating their 30th anniversary this band who we saw earlier tonight and on an incredible career which has seen them sell over 45 million records how about that to celebrate this milestone even in the recording industry they've got a new album called Odyssey will you please give a big welcome once again to take that down [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] you just deserve it so hard what's [Music] so [Music] Oh [Music] oh sure is good to be [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] as it has take their final barrels the royal party make their way to the stage the Duke and Duchess are introduced to peanut who performed earlier tonight with circus 1903 Royal Wedding chalice shake ooh can a Mason next is singer-songwriter George Ezra tenor Andrea Bocelli who flew in specially to perform Tom Godwin and Adrian Warren from Tina the Tina Turner musical next is singer Rick ass dude Britain's Got Talent winner lee ridley water known as lost voice sky followed by headliners take that and finally the host of tonight's show as the royal party leave they also take a moment to say hello to Greg Davis is mark from all of us here at the Palladium good night [Applause] [Music]

Channel: cassiopeia

Views: 426,239

Rating: 4.6450806 out of 5

Keywords: royal variety performance

Id: 0InNQV9q_Vs

Length: 119min 59sec (7199 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 17 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/imnofox]

That's actually a normal sized guitar.

[u/thehollowman84]

Definitely written by Alex Horne right?!

[u/nickstreet36]

I must be real weird for people who were taught by him at school to be watching him now.

[u/Reilly616]

Greg Davies' My Nan, Your Nan lyrics:

My nan likes to potter in the garden,

Although she will concede that the cold rather gets to her knees.

My nan likes doing cryptic crosswords,

And the kettle’s always on ‘cause she drinks endless cups of tea.

And your nan, your nan’s the actual Queen.

.

My nan nibbles shortbread biscuits (‘Course she does, they’re delicious),

She’s not allowed to drive, so she either gets a bus or a train (Subsidised travel),

My nan, she worries about the weather (What if it’s chilly?),

And she always keeps a brolly in her handbag in case of rain.

And talking of reigns;

Your nan’s a constitutional Head of State,

And no one can form a government without her consent,

She’s descended from a thousand year monarchy,

And my nan’s face is not on money.

.

Nans! They’re both just normal nans.

They’re both just normal nans.

They’re both just normal nans.

.

My nan, she likes egg and chips (She dips her chips in the egg),

She doesn’t have a flag to raise to tell you that she’s home (She’s just always home).

Your nan, she has her name on ships (She doesn’t dip the ships in the egg),

And they both have very different seats that they describe as a ‘throne’.

My nan says a lady should have a hat for every occasion,

And when your nan isn’t wearing her hats, they’re kept in a fortress. They’re guarded by ravens.

.

Nans! They’re both just normal nans.

They’re both just normal nans.

They’re both just normal nans.

.

Your nan, she has lots of footmen.

My nan sees a foot-man on Tuesdays because she’s got corns.

Your nan has a coat of arms.

My nan has a body-warmer, which is a coat with no arms.

Your nan’s face is on my nan’s tea towels.

You won’t find my nan on a Google search.

My nan’s the chairman of a local bridge club.

Your nan’s the head of the Anglican Church.

Your nan’s seen off twelve Prime Ministers.

My nan’s outlived seven cats.

You nan’s been accorded many titles.

My nan has a cord above her bath.

.

Your nan was played by Helen Mirr-an,

And every single swan is hers to keep (And eat),

Your nan indirectly invented Coronation Chick-an,

And my 3 p.m. on Christmas day, my nan is asleep.

.

Nans! They’re both just normal nans.

They’re both just normal nans.

They’re both just normal nans.

[u/maroonbrownie]

Those Nans had perfectly straight kicks at the end there. Wow!

[u/queerdow]

She doesn't dip the ships in the egg.

[u/bubba9999]

What a magnificent beast.

[u/Jamee999]

not sure if silly song, or cutting republicanist satire, or both.

[u/kjingo]

I enjoyed that