Jimmy Carr: In Concert (2008) FULL SHOW | Jokes On Us

well ladies and gentlemen it's an honor and a privilege to be here I imagine yeah well done me I went out earlier to get a cup of coffee someone come up to me and said are you Jimmy car or do you just look like Jimmy car I said [Music] both you know when you go around to a friend's house for the first time and they say to you did you find it okay what are you meant to say no I'm still lost a lot of people think I'm Posh who here thinks I'm posh yeah well compared to you yes but I'm not as pous people think I actually went to one of the roughest colleges in Cambridge Fame is weird I'm in a very weird level of Fame now where people come up to me and say hello to me in the street it's very flattering it's lovely but then they'll insult me when they're talking to me they'll they'll say things like you're not as fat as you look on TV be not as fat well this is my favorite they go uh they go you're actually quite funny like they're saying imagine my surprise you're not totally fny [ __ ] [ __ ] so I'm flattered they've said hello but then I'm angry they've insulted me so I'm angry and flattered at the same time those are weird emotions to have at the same time so I try and do the same thing back I say well you're a super little [ __ ] I keep on getting mistaken for Allan car so what I've done is I've stopped sucking men off that was my hand symbol for no more [ __ ] I don't quite know what that round of applause was for is that you thinking that's a very funny joke or homosexuality it's just about Willow people often ask me what were you like at school so I tell them I was a little black girl it's about half you laughing half you thinking was he you would never know wetting your bed is embarrassing as a child but as an adult wetting a child's bed is mortii it's almost impossible to explain that [ __ ] away well it's early on in the evening let's try some easy jokes to start with shall we good luck I was in the south of France I saw a brownie on a school trip she was holding up a book it said on the front Rough Guide I thought yeah she's not a looker that's the easiest joke in the show if you don't get that you might as well [ __ ] off now mate 3% of Britain never leave a tip and they're known as the weirdos that live at the [Music] tip I saw a headline it said Britain faces crisis I thought what we're running out of faes when someone recommends a book to me and they say it's a page Turner I always think yeah I know how books work I bought a home pregnancy kit turns out my house is pregnant we're thrilled we're having a shed I got interviewed last week by a very nice young lady she said what's your house like I said I've got a semi which would have been fine but then I showed it to her and of course by then it wasn't a semi if you ask 10 randomly chosen women how often they wash their knickers a surprising number answer how did you get in here treat them mean keep them clean that's what they say isn't it treat them mean keep them clean but I think you've gone too far if you're using a Stanley knife of course a lot of women stay with their men even if their men hit them a lot of women will stay with their husbands even if their husbands beat them I tell you what they need a slap where's your self-esteem silly cow she was Tiny of course the thing people never say about domestic violence and it strikes me as being just so very obvious but people never say this about domestic violence is just how [ __ ] stupid it is I mean you're hitting your wife it's your wife you might as well kill your own [ __ ] car think about it you don't like her now you're not going to like her anymore with two black eyes and a bit of a face on I am there places in the country where that's just a joke I did that joke in Preston it was like marriage guidance it got a Round of Applause well I thought was a round of applause it was actually people hitting their wives when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist he was a pedophile I suppose that begs the question how many fillings did he give me I believe each and every child should be given a chance and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of I let them go is anyone in from around the country you're from London where are you from where about are you from Sir donc you're From Doncaster and you're down here just for the lights you'll be back and telling people oh I'm was inside it was like a cave but it was like daytime at night couldn't make head or tail candles candles yes they're like candles well done you it's lovely to have you now fck off back New Zealand New Zealand how's it going over there is it all right it's not bad you're still having that problem with sarahan in his orc Army I know hello sorry did you just go hello at the end where are you from Madam dford dford you sound like a man where are you from Madam Dar hello hello sorry that's it's like a horrible racist joke from the 70s ho howo to you what sorry I'm from 7 you're from 7even o but you said hello that wasn't me that wasn't you why are you talking then I don't understand who said that not me I'm from 7 o what do you do madam I'm a student you're a student and what are you studying drama drama really you know I always say the same thing whenever I meet a drama student an aspiring actress or an actor I always say the same thing to any aspiring actor or an actress I meet I always say I'll have a coffee please I was in Newcastle recently I was in the back of a cab in Newcastle and the cab driver said to me there's no red light district in Newcastle cuz that's how they talk if you're in Newcastle for the weekend it's most disconcerting because you find yourself thinking is everyone trying to start a sing song and I just don't know the words there's no red light district in Newcastle I hadn't asked incidentally I hadn't got in the back of a cab in newcast and said take me to the prostitutes my good man no just AR propo of nothing this PL went to me there's no red light dist Street to Newcastle no I didn't say anything cuz he quite a big tough Jordi bloke but I did think to myself I'll tell you why no need have you been to Newcastle two bardi breezes and the deal is done it's the kind of town where if you've got money enough for chips guess what great news you're not going home on your own there was a nice little smile there just as if to say I tell you what I like chips and [ __ ] good on you you know in Big Brother when they swear they play in that bird song I've got so used to that that now when spring watch is on I think the Badgers are calling Bill Odie a [ __ ] I had a friend come around to my house the other day distressed and distraught he was nearly in tears a grown man he said I've got a lump on my testicle I said that' be other testicle I got stopped IIA by one of those charity muggers you know the ones in the High Street with the clipboard and the optimism he stopped me and said if you give £5 a month no children will get hurt like a [ __ ] protection racket isn't it speaking of Charity though the largest charitable contribution in human history was made last year an American man gave away $ 32 billion he was some kind of Wall Street financier gave away $32 billion to the third world what an incredible selfless wonderful thing to do but spare a thought for his children how annoyed would you be you've done what Dad a for [ __ ] sake so you're telling me the only way I'm going to get my inheritance now is if I move to Africa and get AIDS livid have a guess ladies and gentlemen how much I give every year to animal Charities have a guess I PID Grand hundreds of thousand do you even know who I am that's [ __ ] optimistic fuckle is exactly right I realized some other people said nothing but nothing is not the same as [ __ ] all giving nothing to an animal charity would be I'm sorry I forgot [ __ ] all is much more uh no I tell you why I give [ __ ] all to animal charity it's CU there are Charities out there for sick and dying children I don't give anything to them either but it's the principle of the thing those are the Charities I don't give to first you know why they raise all that cash to dig wells in Africa so when they're finished they can throw money in and wish for food I know you think that's offensive but it's not when you compare it to this the Make A Wish Foundation are you all familiar with the fine work the Make A Wish Foundation do broadly speaking they make dreams come true for the termin leel what could be more worthwhile they're a great organization I thoroughly approve of what they do my only problem with them is the name I think they should be forced to change their name from the Make A Wish Foundation to the no make another wish we can't do anything about that found speaking of which did you all see that heartbreaking story in the Mirror newspaper last year they ran a [Music] campaign are you showing off to the other children are you pretending you can read by heartbreaking story do you mean the tits on page three what sorry I'm fine for fruit and veg thank you I presume that's what he's talking abouty it's nice that you're here though it's a night off for someone isn't [Music] it now now I talked about the makeer wish people did you all see this upsetting story in the mirror last year it was about a 5-year-old boy that needed a new kidney otherwise he was going to die and the mirror ran a six- we campaign about this yeah I'll tell you the good thing before I tell you the funny thing that 5-year-old boy is now six he got the kidney and he made it thanks in no small part to the Mir news paper well done then yeah but talk about heartbreaking talk about tugging the heart strings last Christmas they printed his Christmas list in the paper and the kidney was on the list fourth fourth there were things he wanted more number three was a little Brit DVD I don't want to sound tight fisted but I'd have go him that there you go mate you piss yourself [Applause] I'll get someone to explain what kidneys do after the show I was at a party I was chatting to a guy he said what did your girlfriend do I said anything but anal I'm joking she loves it I'm in a long-term relationship but I'm not married is anyone else in that situation quite a but you're timid about saying because like me you'll know if you're in a long-term relationship but not married everyone friends family colleagues acquaintances everyone feels they can stir it up a bit as soon as anyone hears they go have you thought about you two have you thought about trying to start an argument between us I think it's very rude so whenever anyone says to me if you thought bow you thought B B I always go what putting a third finger in I could give it a go I'm not sure it's what the relationship is missing maybe try the Shocker two in the pink one in the stin that's how that works sorry too much two in the goo one in the Poo there nicer for everyone I don't know what conversation that prompted there I imagine that was you madam turning to him thinking glad it's not just you had a woman come up to me after a show in tumbridge Welles she said I found that shocker thing very uncomfortable now I knew what she meant but I couldn't help myself I said lubricant I tried some Viagra recently has anyone else tried it yes you have well I admire your honesty there sir I tried it cuz you can now get over the count of Viagra although that sounds powerful over the counter you say like a [ __ ] Kos did you read the instructions when you tried it sir uh I didn't you didn't I did I take these kind of things seriously because it's a medication even though it's a fun medication it's a medication nonetheless I was reading on the instructions for Viagra it says keep away from children I thought what kind of a man do they think I am that can't maintain an erection with a child by the fact a child has applauded that very loudly see that there's a child in a green t-shirt you are a child I'm telling going yes finally someone that can get hard with me you [ __ ] Maniac how old are you sir do you mind me asking I'm 14 you're 14 right I can't talk to you any longer it would be grooming and are you here with your mom mom a Mommy's little Bender I right care I right care like it the man from the Telly talk to me I'll be checking in with you in a bit well that brings me very neatly onto to the next bit of material who here's got kids kind of was that what sorry all right Jimmy what what what was that you chipped in with something go on Jimmy you said go on Jimmy yes all right ironically slowing things down you often do that just stop people in the street and go you you day oh just I just sto you to tell you to continue now I don't have kids but I've got a lots of friends that have got kids they're five and six years of age I'll go around to the house I get introduced they say this is this is Jimmy he's a comedian it's a bit like a clown I go it [ __ ] isn't and they'll say sh don't swear in front of the kids and then they'll say would you like to hear a joke and the little kid will go yes and I'm expect you to perform so I say when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist you would not believe the upset what the pedophile come here I'll show you so what I've done so I've got some jokes for kids I've Rewritten some classic children's jokes you'll know the original shout out if you do what do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo wly jumper I've gone for a genetic operation that's an insult to both God and man where does the policeman live 99 Avenue 999 let's be Avenue exactly right I've gone from nowhere he's been replaced by an undertrained and poorly equipped Community Support Officer not that I'm having a go Community Support officers they do valuable work without them how would we know where the nearest Cash Point is there's one here what a cash point thanks very much are you a Community Support Officer hello how are you you all right and where where's your beat East London East London you're a community support officer in East London you're having a [ __ ] laugh don't go out there without a gun is it fun is it I imagine it's quite a good job is it it's not bad it's not bad it's all right well well done you there's some jokes about coppers coming up remember they don't apply to you cuz you're not a real [Applause] one why is it difficult to play cards in the jungle the cheaters no it's deforestation cheaters are actually endangered so that is quite insensitive sir what you call a donkey with three legs glue just be honest with yourselves if You' got a donkey with three legs you're going to take a picture on the camera phone and then melt that [ __ ] down what's brown and sticky a anal this next one's a little bit different I think it's funny which is obviously very important but it's also educational teaches kids about the alphabet and also about social issues which can be very difficult to discuss with the under fives why did the H kill himself because the G had right last one of these what's yellow and dangerous shed custard shark infested custard or the discharge from my [ __ ] I'm joking it is probably fine just smells weird I get VI quite a lot ladies and gentlemen journalists come along to the show and they write a little piece sometimes I'll look at it and think oh it's very nice and then you look at it again a few days later and think well you could take that in two different ways I'm going to read some review see if you think I'm being paranoid the times said of this show he couldn't be funnier the guardian said there's funny then there's Jimmy car is that a good thing catch him before he gets massive I was doing a gig up in Hull it was the second day on the tour I was doing in Hull and on the front of the theater they wrote in massive letters due to public demand he's back for one night only doesn't that make it sound like the public got together and said there's only so much of this [ __ ] we're going to stand of course we all say stupid things from time to time I was chatting to a friend of mine Peter we at a wedding he was Ching about how much he wanted to have children these are his exact words he said we'd love to have kids but infertility runs in my family if you don't get that you should be sterilized my uncle said uh I can't be asked to get me prostate checked that's an almost zen-like stupidity that's so stupid it's almost brilliant it's like those big Matrix signs you get above the motorway do you know the ones the big Matrix signs that say this sign is not in use and you find yourself thinking well hang on if that's true how do I know that of course I'm guilty of a fair amount of [ __ ] witery myself I'm often putting my foot in it getting it wrong I was at the airport about 6 months ago got talking to this guy that plays wheelchair rugby in the Paralympics i' just seen a documentary about it called murderball which is amazing and I'd seen a bit of it on Sky Sports so I knew something about it we got chatting transpired in the conversation I didn't know what the par in par Olympics stood for Oh I thought I knew but I didn't I imagine a few of you are in the same situation all have a think about what the par in par Olympic stands for stands for is not the right term to use there actually have you all got something in your hands you any guesses spacka it's definitely not spacka any other guesses paraplegic that was my first guess it's not until you say paraplegic Olympics out loud you realize it's not that is it paraplegic Olympics hang on that would just be blow football any other thoughts paratroopers paratroopers well they were all injured during service and and they thought we might as well have a sports day come on so any other thoughts paralytic paralytic yeah that's it there's nothing to matter with them they're just pissed they've turned up to the sports day and gone what, 1500 meters you're having a [ __ ] laugh I had a skin full last night I'll never make it I'll have sit down you can whe me around no although there is a legless gag in there somewhere but we'll leave it any other thoughts paralyzed paralyzed no it's not paralyzed either paralyzed parallel is the right answer well done you gold star big tick another couple of it's the par of course it's the parallel Olympics when I say it's obvious isn't it because it's parallel to the normal Olympics probably shouldn't say normal Olympics it's a Minefield this which ironically is probably how some of them got there [Applause] but it's the parallel it's parallel to the Olympics and it runs in the same sort of city that they're holding the Olympics in it's a proper sporting event another couple of things while we're on the subject if you're chatting to someone that plays wheelchair rugby in the paral Olympics and you've seen a bit of it you're chatting about it you're being positive about it don't at any stage even if you're joking don't ever refer to it as being like the real robot wars he laughed but there was a definite tension also final thing on this never get confused between the parallel Olympics the par Olympics and the Special Olympics the par Olympics is a proper sporting event the Special Olympics is the one where they're all winners although you try telling that to The Bookies when your little fell comes in seventh I can see some of you are shifting uncomfortably there you're thinking can we laugh at this sort of thing let me just reassure you ladies and gentlemen during that last bit no one in a wheelchair has ever walked out [Applause] now I don't mind proper graffiti you know Gary has AIDS your mom's a bender proper graffiti but I don't like racism and I don't like racist graffiti and I've started to fight back I saw a bit of graffiti last time I was in Felix written on a wall someone put Asylum Seekers out so above it I wrote Asylum seekers in and below it I wrote Asylum Seeker shake it all about I thought well that's cheered out no end that gave me confidence I went back to a rough pub near where I live in North London someone's written on the Gent wall white power so across it I've written Sil it bang that's sure a disgraceful piece of graffiti last time I was in Stoke on Trent someone had written on a wall all coppers are [ __ ] I thought that apostrophe shouldn't be possessive not about you I saw a brilliant sign on a police station wall it said wanted for sex attacks I didn't know there were vacancies I thought I should look into that flexible hours you get to work Outdoors you get to meet new people speaking of violence sexual crime and I was the F in ipswitch last year that was murdering all those prostitutes I presume you all read about that in the papers as it was going on really Grizzly morbid story but you kind of can't look away I think some of the reporting as that guy was murdering loads of prostitutes was very irresponsible the news of the world LED with a headline the Killer is out of control now to me the headline the Killer is out of control implicitly suggests that there is an acceptable number of prostitutes to murder in any given calendar month the problem with this [ __ ] lunatic is the number he's killing is just not sustainable at this rate we will run out of prostitutes in the ipswitch area and then where will we be [Applause] [Music] Newcastle shall we talk about everyone's favorite member of the royal family Prince Harry come on the little ginger one that dresses as a Nazi that's the kind of behavior we want from our inbred overlords now Prince Harry was meant to go and fight in Iraq last year but he couldn't go to Basra last July because he's Ginger he would melt so we didn't go and actually while the rest of his unit were fighting in Basra he was found by a British journalist tracked down to a strip club in Canada and the journalist went up to him and said are you Prince Charles's son he said no it got me thinking ladies and gentlemen cuz he's just got back from Afghanistan what kind of preparation was that Playboy lifestyle for fighting in a war I know what you're probably thinking you probably think it'd be much clearer if someone had juxtaposed strip clubs and War in a poem you're in luck I have I've compared and contrasted strip clubs and War in a poem it is simply entitled strip club War yeah a little bit of culture for you ladies and gentlemen I will read it for you now strip club War young men getting slaughtered Bazookas everywhere privates standing to attention grabbing their helmets weapons going off sobbing men desperately clawing at gashes as bodily fluids dribble out sweethearts back at home wondering if they'll ever see you again the number of stiffs growing by the hour freshly shaven [ __ ] shooting at anything with a beard and regretting they'd come the Next Generation spilling out of Choppers onto Hot Baron Mounds it's more expensive than you think it'll be when you go in and the whole thing leaves a mess it'll take years to clean up and of course Muslims don't like it I blame B Bush I'd like to get to know you all as an audience but it's difficult to get to know a lot of people in one go there's only one of me that's loads of you what I've devised is a method moral dilemmas these are questions to which there is no absolute wrong or right answer just your opinion tells me something about who you are as individuals and who you are as a group so if everyone joins in this work so everyone say yes yes yes everyone say no no everyone say I can think for myself I can think for myself okay right let's do a warmup first this doesn't count towards your final score just a warm up just to get you into the spirit of things but if everyone could answer straight away that would be great is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas that's about 90% yes I would say this evening you thought yeah [ __ ] it someone go no no all right don't worry it's not going to happen that's not the finale of the show although I wish I thought that that'd be [ __ ] brilliant the best response I've had to that recently I said is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas and someone went let them fight it out between themselves now for better for worse this is the question I use to judge an audience to judge individuals if you could all answer that would be great would you [ __ ] your dad to save your mom I don't know why you're looking up upset it's easier for girls he's ugly he's ugly imagine that being a factor imagine thinking yeah I would [ __ ] my dad but he's not a looker he's let himself go maybe 5 years ago would you sir he's there oh hi so do you mind me asking is your mom here as well oh brilliant well we can actually do a proper test now I've got snipers all the way around this building and they're pointing a gun at your mother yeah we're going to kill her your mom's been taken hostage she's going to be killed we would like you to bum your dad um well it's difficult yeah of course it's difficult I'm not saying you wouldn't be thumbing in a softy that's [Music] fine I say let her die you say let her die sorry hang on you're we're not in norol what are you booing you're booing a man saying I wouldn't bum my dad just take a moment to think about that all right so you've made your decision ision listen to Jimmy it's all right it's all right Mom it's all right mom is that is that your daughter there yeah same question to you oh I love my job at what point did you think as a family this would be a good show to go and see never mind that Lion King [ __ ] let's bring the kids out to see a proper show where we open discuss incest the best response I've had to that someone went not again sex education is extremely important telling young kids about the birds and the bees absolutely key three quick things to remember firstly you should know the children you tell secondly there is a level of detail that is considered considered too graphic 12y olds don't need to know about rimen and such thirdly and perhaps most importantly you should only ever tell them I've got a friend that told me her new boyfriend looked like one of The Proclaimers I said well he can't he either looks like both of them or neither of them I like it when identical twins stand face to face because when identical twins stand face to face just for a moment you think oh a vase I've got a friend that told me she was scared of dwarves I said you're scared of dwarves are you also scared of normalized people when they're far away if you're a dwarf and you're offended by that grow up I saw a documentary recently on Channel 4 it was all about faith and in it someone went well of course Scientology is a madeup religion I thought as opposed [Music] to it's one of my favorite things is to get chrisan talking about scientology because the Christian will go Scientologist they're Nutters they believe in aliens and then you can say to the Christian what do you believe in again it's a benevolent zombie that's coming back to save you isn't it good luck with that that will probably happen has anyone been to Belfast Belfast Amazing Town very friendly place the amazing thing about Belfast they can tell what religion you are just from your name I went there with my friend Rabbi Lionel they just knew you ever done this have you ever had an argument with someone that you really care about about something you couldn't give a [ __ ] about I had an argument with a friend of mine that I've known for 15 years about whether tomatoes are a fruit or a vegetable who cares also it got me thinking can't something be both a fruit and a vegetable I mean what if Graham Norton had a serious accident I realized that is a joke about homosexual man being spasticated in my defense I did call Graham and check he was fine with that and he was although I would add that was a [ __ ] awkward phone call to make Oscar wild famously wrongly imprisoned for homosexuality at least that's what I thought then I did some further reading turns out he was gay so fair enough rules is rules Come On You vender people say to me you're gay you just don't know you're gay I always think that's going to come as a horrible shock isn't it well at some point am I just going to be standing around minding my own business what's that in my ass you someone shouted out the other night gay shirt I thought oh no my shirt's been [ __ ] men in the bum I thought that was a chocolate stain I tried to suck it out have you ever done this if you ever been driving along and you've hit a rabbit the worst thing is the noise that horrible familiar sound of a hammer hitting a rabbit 97% of all dangerous driving offenses are committed by men you know what that means means 3% are committed by Bloody women drivers you know who you are you're a [ __ ] Menace I don't think speed aair who's with me I can't see how they if I'm driving home from this gig at 12:00 midnight yeah and there's kids playing in the street they've got bigger problems than me well not anymore they haven't but but let's say I'm driving home from this gig 12 midnight let's say I'm doing 40 in a 30 Zone I get flashed by one of those cameras how is it fair that my girlfriend gets three points on a license that doesn't seem fair to me she's already got 12 points she's going to have to go to jail have you you all seen that incredibly powerful commercial on television where the child morphs back to life having been run over incidentally that's why you're not allowed to leave the scene of an accident you missed the best bit adver clearly states if you're doing 40 m an hour and you hit a child there's an 80% chance that child will die if you're doing 30 m an hour there's an 80% chance that child will live here's my question where's the ad for swerving that advert is basically the government going hey watch out the's get in the road slow down take the edge off but it must learn its lesson how old did you say you were sir 14 you're 14 years old right and what's your name Sam Sam right let's say I'm driving to you Sam at I don't know 40 mil hour and you run away at 10 m hour it's an aggregate of 30 isn't it no only have you given yourself a chance of survival you've also learned a little something about maths it's a win-win you're [Music] right do you like girls yet you probably don't even know you're gay do you know you're gay you do you're fully aware okay well yeah yeah nod definitely nod because we haven't got a camera point to get you or anything happy fun enjoy School [Applause] let's do some improv ladies and gentlemen all I need is suggestions from you right I need a historical figure Nelson Nelson Oliver nauy yeah very much a mixed ability group this evening Oliver Cromwell ndy Mother Theresa God bless her Mother Theresa amazing woman wasn't she very generous with her time and although you do look at her and think yeah a little bit of moisturizer wouldn't have [ __ ] killed you so I'm all for helping the poor but just oil of you take the edge off that [ __ ] me it's like a saddle bag she looks like my balls I'm joking my balls are in significantly better kit than Mother Teresa's face Henry Henry all right let's go Henry VII he's he's a classic let's go Henry VII okay all we know about him was he was a bit should we say he was aggressive towards women he did what sorry shag loads of women he shag loads of women yes he was the king it's not going to be tricky to get a date is it hey how you doing I'm a king you want to see me [ __ ] and the crown jewels easy um okay so let's go Henry VII um I need an [Music] accent Ian how optimistic are you austr Australian I I can do Australian are you are you get [ __ ] are there Australians in what am I talking about Saturday night they're working behind a bar okay right I need a superpower America how it's not helping no oh right I'm pretty sure I definitely said superpow didn't I and you definitely said rape the power to rape for good presumably to to prevent crime so someone would have taken hostages the police would be there we can't get them out they're all they're going to kill the hostages rape boy can you see what you can yeah I could officer don't worry I'll get in there I'll rape him first and then I'll rape the other fell and then I'll I'll rape him back I don't think rape could really Beed as a the understanding of women you how old are you sir you seem jadeed before your time you're 17 how can you not understand 17-year old women all you need to know is that it's easy do you know how to buy cider cider wait to ripen and bang and then off to play on the PlayStation and if you get good enough with the PlayStation you can bring her off in about half a [Music] minute bendy cup a bendy Cup oh yeah that'd be handy so I can [ __ ] things around corners it's like U extra long arms like extra long arms big veiny go it's what sorry Inspector Gadget like Inspector Gadget have you ever seen episode of Inspector Gadget it was good yeah it's good I don't think that was Inspector Gadget I think you were abused as a child I'm just going to get out my special arm any other thoughts super power read M I knew you were going to say [Music] that let's go let's go for mind reading mind reading sounds like that's a good power tab so Henry VII Australian mind mind reading okay I need uh a belief system any other Buddhism Muslim Muslim yes a great thing about Islam is they can take a joke I think I might leave that one for the farewell tour go out with a bang so to [Applause] speak any other belief systems creationism creationism creationism is quite good The Crazies that believe that everything was built in seven days is it yeah any creationist in no not really my target audience people that amazingly naive God love them or Americans as we call them okay so a creationist Henry VII Australian accent uh superpow what do we go with I knew that you just had to think it and I would have got it okay finally I need something you find in a kitchen a woman not 1974 find a kitchen a woman she have my tea on your mom who said your mom how old are you your mom your mom's in KY she make you tea and toast if you're nice mom your mom that's what we're going for there okay right so we've got Henry VII Australian accent mind reading he's a creationist your mom should we leave it there genuinely that is all the Improv I do that's my favorite bit the bit where people shout out suggestions the actual play bit at the end I always think is a bit [ __ ] I'm always suspicious they might just be making that up you actually look disappointed as an audience now you're like Oh I thought it was going to be really good the Aussie Henry VII and his mom oh yeah do you want to get married I can read your [ __ ] mind how shit's that forgot your mom what sorry forgot your mom I forgot your mom all right there's Henry VII [ __ ] your mom you happy now your a mom you happy can we miss out your mom is she getting [ __ ] by the king are you yeah all right Sheila yeah take it you [ __ ] yeah I know you like it I can read your [ __ ] mind you happy now now well that's cheered things up hasn't it for a moment there that poor man was worried is my mom not going to get [ __ ] in this oh unlucky [Music] um I'm much better when I've prepared stuff ladies and gentlemen and I was asked last year to write something about being British I thought well my pleasure I'd like to share it with you now what makes Britain Great is our ability to laugh at ourselves and when I say ourselves I mean other people and when I say laugh I mean invade but Britain is proud to boast that we're home to the most hardworking diligent and adaptable Workforce in Europe the poll [Music] they're bloody good aren't they yeah Round of Applause for the polls of course you get a lot of rightwing people saying are these polls they come over here taking our jobs I was think if a guy from Poland arrives he doesn't speak the language doesn't have any money doesn't know anyone and he takes your job on the first day you're [ __ ] [ __ ] off I was in a restaurant the other day said on the menu all our food is made with love I thought I know a chip shop they're shut down for doing that I was in a restaurant with a friend the waiter came up to take the order I said I'll have the fish of the day and my mate went oh I wanted that I'm trying to lose a bit of weight at the moment so I'm eating porridge every day for breakfast does anyone else eat porridge for breakfast it's [ __ ] boring isn't it I'm like four spoons in thinking this is actually depressing I wouldn't mind dying I was so bere of stimulus when I was eating my breakfast the other day I read the box of porridge genuinely says on the box of porridge no added coloring I thought but it's gray what do they think I think they might be adding extra gray a lot of people don't approve of size zero models and they're called fat people 5% of toddlers are overweight and they're called wadlers I've got a friend she recently went to her GP just for the annual checkup she was classified by her own GP as being morbidly obese who came up with that term that's so unnecessarily harsh morbidly obese as if she doesn't have enough on her plate sounded sympathetic again then it turns out it was another joke about a big fat fatty of course he goes the other way too I've got another friend that just lost six Stone I say she lost six Stone she lost a leg to diabetes still go girl slowly and carefully of course there is no need to go on a diet if anyone's thinking of going on a diet there's no need all you've got to do here's the secret have a photo of yourself taken holding up a pair of enormous trousers doesn't matter how big you are everyone thinks you made a tremendous effort job done there's always a shot from the side as well always with a really smug expression of look what a fat gun I was of course there are some Clues out there as to why we're getting bigger as a nation Domino's Pizza is a very good clue it's a very simple business supply and demand very simple if we demand something they will supply it they're happy to they now make a double decker Pizza how did that happen people must have been phoning up going hello that Domino's yes how can I help you I like a pizza we get a lot of that what would you like as a topping I love another Pizza of the five fruit and veg you're meant to eat every day I think you know you're fat if you count Jaffer cakes should we talk about Jillian mcki the woman from you are what you eat begging the question what did you eat the witch from rentaghost some people like her some people don't I think she's a [ __ ] disgrace cuz why does she do for a living she humiliates women she takes a middle-aged woman who's let herself go a it she's a bit plump big boned she's not a danger to shipping she's not hurting anyone and she humiliates her on National Television initially she goes this is what you eat in a week you fat cow she doesn't say fat cow you can see it in her Bey little eyes this is what you eat in a week cues anyone noticed how that table of food she shows the big fat fatty is exactly the same as the one Kerrie Katona shows us all in the [Music] Iceland and then the pie to resistance [ __ ] into this what like it's the most natural thing in the world she goes [ __ ] into this then she's got the audacity the brass neck of the woman to go your poo a bit smelly it's made of [ __ ] Jillian I think I may have solved this riddle the reason that is a little bit raky is it just fell out of her ass it's still warm you [ __ ] Maniac most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results but they look pleasantly surprised have you ever got mixed up between car booting and dogging it's embarrassing isn't it I paid 50 P to [ __ ] a guy's wife dogging or paying display as I like to call it or park and ride makeup sex is amazing after you've had an argument but inappropriate if you've had a fight with the traffic Warden women get annoyed when men use the last of toilet paper do you get annoyed of that ladies yeah so what I've done is I've stopped wiped my ass and still she's upset and women in fact use twice as much toilet paper as men which is fair enough they've got double the number of bottoms I quite like that as a term for a woman or a lady I like the term double bum have You Met My Double bum no two bums yes one of the back as is traditional another little fell around the front little fellas may be the wrong term to use but I'll use it in a sentence I was on holiday with my double bump we were in Thailand we were having a little bit of lunch in a cafe on the beach she said I'm just going to go for a pee I'll be back in a minute she was back almost immediately she said I couldn't go it was disgusting my question is simple has that ever happened to a man in the history of the world ever let's face it fellas if we're going for a piss it is going to happen The Gents could be a pile of rotten corpses yay high the worst you're going to get from a bloke is you want to breathe through your mouth in there [Music] [Applause] she said a weird thing to me recently she said she wanted to wear a blindfold during sex I thought well fine on the one hand you want to take away one of your senses in order to heighten the other four in order to increase the erotic pleasure of Love Making let's give that a go sounds fun on the other hand I was thinking what you're really saying is I will [ __ ] you but I'm going to have to cover my eyes men propose on their knees do you know why that is it's to get them used to asking for sex when they're married yeah the weird reaction well done you women like to dance with men because women instinctively know if they dance with a man they'll be able to tell what he's like in the bedroom and it is quite a good indicator I tend to dance for about 30 seconds and have a bit of a cry get the feeling you're laughing at me not with me there it's very cruel I've read an article recently about British Men's Ultimate sexual fantasy and it surprised me the result of it surprised me it was a proper Ser they asked 3,000 men their opinion I'd like to do a little straw poll in here this evening because the results of this I was shocked ultimate sexual fantasies has anyone got one they wouldn't mind admitting to Jessica Albert Jessica Albert it's a specific person that you that you would like to Bone well I happen to know Jessica Albert does an awful lot of work for charity Maybe um any other ultimate sexual fances your girlfriend my girlfriend well maybe we could double team her my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy yes people see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only going out with you cuz you're famous and I say but I am famous what's your point is is that your girlfriend that is my girlfriend that's your girlfriend I'm not going to swap if that's [Applause] okay can I just clarify you are a beautiful lady no disrespect to you but he heckled I had to put him down and the only way to get to him was through you I like the way as well I suggested your girlfriend wasn't goodlooking enough and you applauded yeah you'll be using those hands later on won't you any other ultimate sexual fancies a Viking helmet a Viking helmet what have you got two [Music] vaginas good lovely any other ultimate sexual fantasies school girl school girl and then you've pointed at your man yeah I think we've got a we've got a special term for a school girl fantasy now we call it pedo sorry sir do you like what do you like the school girl teacher school girl teacher school girl though really you know because the specialist term for the school girl un yeah it's you are a pedo it's no it's good look at the positive you get to be on a list that's nice that's nice everyone in the neighborhood knows where you live that's convenient isn't it do you make her dress up as a school girl she's done it she's done it half her washed and brought to my room I'm joking don't wash her beastiity beastiality well easy easy let's just think this through cuz beastiality a lot of people just write off as a terrible thing let's look at both sides let's say you [ __ ] a cow and that could happen you sound like a Nutter no let's imagine you [ __ ] a cow you haven't actually harmed the cow cows are [ __ ] enormous you're not going to trouble it with your tiny [ __ ] but but you know but You' probably distressed the animal Daisy's probably thinking what the [ __ ] is he up to on the upside though you've had a whale of a time and if you have a baby with a cow it'll be a minor [Music] tour m it's like Bully from Bullseye just putting it into terms he'll understand any other ultimate sexual fancies Ute an ampute te it's not Paul mcne is it I can't see he's a bit weird the Paul mccy thing is I mean he's Paul McCartney he's he's a a National Treasure a global icon he was in The Beatles and he couldn't find a woman with four working limbs that's he had to make do people she actually she accused him I believe of of hitting her which is do you think he hit her do you think he hit do you think Paul McCartney hit Heather Mills I I don't think he did but I mean if I'm honest I would have no I'm not advocating violence against women in any way shape or form but it'd be interesting to know whether she would spin around like a swing ball and actually to be hon she accused him of hitting her with her false leg that is disgraceful and that is a lie I I can tell you why that is definitely a lie CU if you hit someone with a false leg technically that is a kick the reason I mentioned this is because in this article it said that the most common ultimate sexual fantasy ultimate sexual fantasy remember in the UK is to have two women at the same time you got me thinking well I mean I'm not saying it wouldn't be fun to have two women at the same time it is thank you show business yes I tell you what I'd be if I wasn't a comedian a virgin I just think if it's your ultimate sexual fantasy you're only limited by your imagination two women at the same time is a bit lame you could have anything you want you could have a woman with 15 tits riding a unicorn across a rainbow never mind two women at the same time I mean at least at the very least go for three cuz think about it how much better would it be having sex with two beautiful attractive women if you were safe in the knowledge all the while you were [ __ ] them there was another one outside washing the car that would make it just a little bit better wouldn't it I told my girlfriend My ultimate sexual fantasy was to have two women at the same time and she agreed but then she was livid when I told her she wasn't either of them she was going to be the one outside washing the car I did ever threeome mons this was many years ago about 8 nine years ago I was seeing this girl it transpired she had a twin so I asked you don't ask you don't get I asked I got there's a lesson in life it was [ __ ] brilliant one of the best experiences of my life because if anything her twin was better looking than her and an all round great guy yeah you knew something was coming but you didn't realize it was going to be her brother in her are there people in from the West country going I don't really get it now I love my job I love telling jokes to people but essentially what I do for a living I'm a Jester I'm a clown I'm a fool sometimes I want to be taken a bit more seriously so I'd like to take a five- minute timeout from telling you jokes and I'd like to throw some ideas at you some thoughts that I've had ladies and gentlemen that to help me with this I'm going to bring on a trio of jazz musicians what I am can I get some jazz musicians please thanks very much appreciate it these aren't jokes ladies and gentlemen I'm just going to throw some ideas at you some thoughts that I've had right imagine ladies and gentlemen imagine we're sitting in a cafe on the left banks of the S you know one of those Smoky cafes we're smoking gwis we're drinking absin we're just chatting shooting the breeze ladies and gentlemen just talking about love and life and ideas thoughts yeah not just jokes ideas yeah let's have a little bit of little bit of J just to set the mood yeah oh that's lovely yeah maybe a little bit of atmosphere little bit of atmosphere so it's like a kind of smoky Cafe you know a kind of smoky Cafe yeah a smoky Cafe not a cafe where there's a chip fat fire where did we get the smoke machine from Duran [Music] Duran I look like Heather Mill sitting too close to the fire what happens if you spill carpet cleaner if an amnesiac got Alzheimer's would they forget they couldn't remember anything what size do you think the Queen's bed is if you walk backwards in flip flops are they flop flips venison's dear isn't it do gypsies ever go on caravaning [Music] holidays I'll [Music] ask the asterisk cartoon character asteris I wonder how rude is his real name if you were a necrophiliac pedophile that was into beastiality would you [ __ ] omelets [Music] churches are depressing I mean why build all of them in graveyards my local church is raising money for a giant thermometer do you know the best cure for depression suicide the Great Barrier Reef is all very well but it doesn't seem to be keeping the Australians in consider the positive you're never alone with schizophrenia if you're schizophrenic and you're offended by that you can both [ __ ] off sometimes at self-service restaurants or buffets I tip myself bad enough if a spider lays its eggs underneath your skin and they hatch out worse if it's a goose if you're 9 months premature you're just a stain when someone says I hear voices I always think that'll be your ears I was thinking what is it that separates us from the animals fences I'm not superstitious but I heard about this guy that fell out of the 13th floor window of a building and he died spooky I've had an idea for a shop selling used artificial limbs it's called the secondhand secondhand store a shoehorn sounds like the kind of thing a foot fetishist might get I'm writing a book on dream interpretation it's called you've had too much chees why do gypsies call it a fun fair when it's clearly neither I'll ask a snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself or to put it another way sometimes scientists get bored women blink twice as much as men brilliant think of all the stuff we can get away with huh no I didn't say anything I was very disappointed when I went to Wet and Wild it's a water park we English are no good at foreign languages until we go abroad where English is a foreign language what was the best thing before sliced bread bread knife no massive sandwiches if I had an Opticians I'd make them do the shop sign in a blurry font no man is an island except the island man I'd like to get another tattoo but I haven't got a tattoo so what you like about pacifists It's always darkest Just Before Dawn and we call that nighttime travel lodgy slogan is nothing like a good night's sleep there's a thin line between obsessive and compulsive it's a hyphen I was going to leave my body to science and then I thought no I leave it to geography why do you never hear about anyone being given 5 months to live some men never tell their dads that they love them and I guess that's just because they're not gay people have skeletons in the closet and gay men come out of the closet do you think the gay men are coming out of the closet cuz they scared of the skeletons confucious said how do you know you're a man dreaming you're a butterfly I'm not a butterfly dreaming you're a man how do I know I'm not a butterfly I drove here you [ __ ] scientists have discovered a cure for the fear of flying 22 hours on a coach I went to see a hypnotist show and I really enjoyed it which made me suspicious right final thought I had an out of body the experience I was beside myself well that's quite enough of that sort of thing I think ladies and gentlemen the trio there thank you very much inde the gentlemen cheers might be a good time now as we as we clear away our Jazz Trio God love you for that was lovely and has anyone got any questions for me has anyone got any got a criminal record have I got a criminal record yes most rapes in an hour I'm going to take a photo of you ladies and gentlemen lest I forget you you know it's a big deal for me recording a DVD I thought I'd take a little F yeah go on want is it right your girlfriend wanted you to watch she likes you watching her pee to get watch she so sorry the question I get asked at every show it's weird that you would ask that so because she likes a lot of people to watch your pee um is that your thing you like people to watch you pee hi well clearly yes he didn't say that for no reason did he do you remember earlier when you said he was a pedo for making you dress up as a school girl I think it might be payback time but surely you could just dress her as a school girl and have a do a we on you that's fine that plays into your whole pedo fantasy everyone's happy apart from anyone with any sort of sense of taste and decency they were frankly horrified by you too what's your name sir Sam Sam Hi Sam what sorry southwell southwell yeah definitely I need a surname for this I'm not in charge of the register don't worry about that so and what is it about being watched P that you enjoy well just tell us we're all interested to know what you do so it's not like that what is it like give her a glass of water we'll all find [Music] out I just think if you do with someone you should feel comfortable enough to do anything yeah I'm I'm all I'm all for that Madam yes once you you know once you've been with someone there's a level of intimacy that suggests that you would be able to pee in front of them or or maybe [ __ ] on their chest but some people aren't like us baby some people don't think in the way they're closed minded they've got a sense of I don't know appropriate occasion [Laughter] it's all right we're not taping this for oh no we are lovely golden showers any other thoughts car you drive what car do I drive I don't actually drive a car sir I roll in one [ __ ] yeah with the [ __ ] in the back [Applause] yeah now you any other questions thoughts what's your favorite type of cheese what's my favorite type of cheese knob where's the best place you performed the best place I've performed I'd have to say in your girlfriend it's the law it's the law I have I'm sorry I saw a headline in the paper it said man held after rape I thought they cuddled I called the rape helpline Center they suggested I bought a b lava PC has gone mad you can't say Siamese anymore so I guess my cat is a conjoined twin speaking of hilarious birth defects did you all read about that little girl born in India with eight limbs incredible and she she was born into a Hindu family so they thought she might be The Reincarnation of a goddess th a spider but the test for that is pretty simple they just pop them in a bath and see if they can get out on their own how annoyed would you be if you got home and your partner said to you I've got HIV I'd be [ __ ] livid it's h I like to try and see the Silver Lining I see the world through Rose tinted glasses I think it's because of this job even something as awful as the AIDS epidemic I like to think vades in my little head has a massive game of gay it gotcha chase me sorry I don't want to sound homophobic all homosexuals are [ __ ] [ __ ] and why not it's a bloody good laugh a lot of Americans are still bizarrely touchy about the Twin Towers but what you have to accept 7 years on is we needed a new Wembley if you think that's offensive wait for this I've had an idea for a money-making scheme twin tower Jenga that's not even it the hook is when one of the towers collapses you shout Jihad AMA Bin Laden say what you like about the man he is world hideand-seek champion I was out in town earlier I saw a disabled toilet someone had written on it out of order I thought I know what disabled [Music] means when I was a kid I was never scared of the dials I used to be spooked out by the dials but whenever they'd come on I'd just go well if they ever came here I just go upstairs they can't get me if I go upstairs but now when I watch Doctor Who I'm petrified because of all the wheelchair access we' put in everywhere they can get anywhere they [ __ ] line now we're frankly we're sitting ducks it would be remiss of me ladies and gentlemen not to talk to you all about the environment because that is the big issue which has upset the homeless no end a carbon footprint is a metaphor for the mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your lives of course I don't have one cuz I drive everywhere and it is twice as bad if you're Christian because you got Jesus alongside you I I don't think they should have called it global warming I think they should have called it Earth toasty or Planet snuggles just all sounds too nice doesn't it if we don't do something now we could end up as snug as a bug in a rug trying to take global warming seriously but you know what can you do I'm driving everywhere at twice the speed so I get there in half the time and I've stopped eating Fox's glassier mints I tell you who I feel sorry for when there's flooding in the UK I feel sorry for the fire brigade cuz they get 5,000 phone calls a day when there's flooding going is that the fire brigade my house is underwater yeah we're not already trained for that that's almost the opposite of what we do for a living do you want to give us a buzz back if I catches light okay bye-bye tell you who annoys me when there's flooding the guy in the High Street in a canoe every bit of news footage there's a guy in the High Street in a canoe going have you not got a canoe have you got a car I've got a canoe who's that smug [ __ ] and where the [ __ ] is he going I'm off to boots I've never been in a [Music] canoe I should really write a joke about a gay dinosaur [Music] dancing women usually take care of contraception within a relationship but some men do and they're called dads I'm not sure about abortions being available 3 months into pregnancy I think they should be available right the way up to [Music] gcse's I like the phrase performed an abortion do you think anyone's ever gone Tada a lot of people are worried that the artificial creation of sperm in Laboratories means that men are essentially obsolete now women don't need men anymore because they can artificially create sperm in Laboratories what do you think about that ladies luckily they keep the artificially created sperm in jam jars so you still need us to there you I'm not sure if that's exactly how artificial insemination works but you get the gist there's nothing rude about gist you're making your own jokes now my girlfriend said to me recently we can't have sex I've got a headache I said I'm going to be right at the other end do you want to get back to me if you get a pain in of a JJ that's right I said the JJ what of it I've got an awkward question for you it's awkward whether you're here on a first dat or whether you're in a long-term relationship it's awkward for everyone should you spit or swallow following oral sex [Music] garles well there's a fell there that loves the taste of spunk now it's an awkward question it's very much The Cutting Edge of sexual politics I'm going to sort this out for you once and for all you'll never have to think about it again ladies and gentlemen should you spit or swallow following oral sex it doesn't matter once I've ejaculated I'm asleep you can do what you [ __ ] like you can garle the national anthem for all I care as long as he doesn't wake me up or interfere with you calling your cab and let the that me please sorry that was misleading she swallowed that was a death girl I was [ __ ] if you've got de friends if you've got de friends you should never do the de voice just say things like that that is pretty much Kryptonite to the de if you really want to [ __ ] with de friends say things like that cuz then they know you're saying something blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah how was the deaf girl in that joke using the phone if you're deaf and you're offended by anything you've heard I'm going to leave you with this ladies and gentlemen it's been a pleasure talk to you I'm going to leave you with a story about shouting out I like it when people Shout out when they join in in life whether it's a comedy show or just out in the world I was at a tennis match 8 years ago watching Tim Henman play I'm a big fan of Tim Henman anytime he wins a point he pretends to punch a [ __ ] are there any midgets in I didn't see you but then that is part of your charm this guy behind me in the stools shout something brilliant out he waits until Tim henman's walking into have his little drink of barley water you know the way they do have about 10 games they go little drink of barley water lovely so he just walking into of his little drink and this guy shouts Tim Tim there's a bit of [ __ ] at the end of your Racket and he looks and the bloke goes not that end jimm thank you very much inde thank you thank you very [Applause] much thanks very much good it's nice of you thank you good it's a brilliant job this it's lovely you spend an hour and a half talking to people telling them jokes building up this reservoir of Goodwill but then you expected just to [ __ ] off it's a bit weird with your permission I'd like to piss away some of that Goodwill yeah on an unpleasant joke you know sometimes I'll tell a joke that's a bit edgy and I feel as an audience you go oh that's a little bit close to the go on than you what are you like I'd like to tell one now that I'll make you go oh would you like to hear it well it's a joke about love can love conquer all all of the practicalities of Life get in the way well a great example of this is May to December relationships relationships where there's a bit of an age Gap can love conquer that divide or does life get in the way the practicalities there's probably as many different opinions as there are people in this room here's my opinion for what it's worth I think you know a girl is too young for you if you're having to make the airplane noise to get your [ __ ] in her mouth here comes the train into the tunnel there's three things I like to that joke firstly I like the fact it's a bit edgy I like edgy jokes it's about as edgy as I'd want to be second thing I like about it next time you're being intimate with your partners I know you're sat there thinking I think he's a bit too mature for that he's thinking third thing I like about that joke probably later on tonight maybe tomorrow or the next day someone's going to say to you oh you're at a comedy show tell us a joke I guarantee you that is all you're going to be able to think of and you'll [ __ ] it up I was [ __ ] a child in the face you were what you [ __ ] [Music] Maniac I spend a lot of my life driving around the country doing gigs and I'm often driving back late at night I don't know how you feel about it but I always pick up hitchhikers if I see a hitchhiker I will pick them up they always say the same thing to me they always say but I don't live in the woods I'd like to end this evening by talking about heckling I like a bit of heckling it's great fun when people have come to see your show and they feel they can join it's like everyone's friends it's great but when you start out in this business oh my God it can be cruel I've got a friend that was doing a support act obviously if you're doing a support ACT people haven't paid to see you they paid to see someone else and you're sort of getting in their way this friend of mine he's a very funny boy he was supporting a very famous comedian in Oxford and someone from the back of the room as he was halfway through his act and he was struggling fair enough but you didn't need this halfway through Zack someone shouted you're ruining our [Music] evening [ __ ] hell I it happens to me all the time happened a couple of weeks ago a guy sitting where you're sitting there sir front and center his phone went off now everyone's got a mobile phone someone's going to leave it on by mistake it's not the end of the world just switch it off not a problem he took the call so there's me and 2,000 people going what the [ __ ] is this guy on he totally confidently he went I'm at a comedy show then there was a pause and he went no really not really I'll leave you this it has been a pleasure talking to you ladies and gentlemen I'll leave you this this is the harshest Heckle I've ever had to deal with I was doing a gig in uh Edinburgh at late in live doesn't start till 1:00 in the morning so they're all out of their minds on heroin and short break okay so it's a late night gig everyone's drunk and high and out of their minds and and it's all going quite well I'm about 10 minutes into the gig and you know doing my usual thing it's about eight years ago I was pretty new to this game and this guy from the side shouts very clearly loudly confidently just as I'm halfway through a joke my mom died of cancer I thought [ __ ] the bed what the [ __ ] I thought well I'll doal with this logically and in order I I said well firstly I wasn't talking about moms and secondly I wasn't talking about cancer and he came back with the epically harsh no but it was funnier than this let be Jimmy car thank you very much indeed sh [Applause] stay

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 202,633

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, off the kerb, open mike, live at the apollo, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, british comedy, uk comedy

Id: kawZz2AIilw

Length: 85min 54sec (5154 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 20 2023