Jimmy Carr: Comedian (2007) FULL SHOW | Jokes On Us

foreign [Applause] thank you very much indeed for coming for those of you that don't know I'm Jimmy Carr one of the biggest faces in British comedy literally I've got one of the biggest faces look at that it's like the Moon strial cycle just being this close when I told my mom I wanted to grow up and be a comedian she said you can't do both he's probably being a comedian makes you quite immature I'm sort of like a 14 year old boy trapped inside a man's body not in a Michael Jackson way because he's a child at heart not because he [ __ ] kids he definitely doesn't for legal reasons so I should warn you this isn't a show for easily offended it's not even a show for people that are quite difficult to offend essentially this is a show for people without a moral compass and that's why it's nice we've got a couple of channels down the front hello recently I went out to get a coffee before the gig someone came up to me and went are you Jimmy Carr I went yeah they went are you in Hull yes I am you [ __ ] at this amazing cab driver he was driving a black cab he was whistling yeah smiling clearly having a brilliant time he said I love my job my own boss nobody tells me what to do I said left here are you all right in the back excellent it's not nice to hear that because often when I go to comedy shows and I go to them all the time I love coming out to see Live Comedy the thing is though if I'm sat right at the back I'm a little bit disappointed let's get my ticket go oh for [ __ ] sake I'm [ __ ] miles away but there are of course advantages to being right at the back you get more of a sense of theater a few coming together and sharing a sense of humor what a wonderful thing that is the Great British musical spirit and also if you're right at the back this sort of thing won't happen I [ __ ] your mum it's not gonna happen to any of you I've got nothing but respect for your mums they're hard-working decent women your Monster Loves Me a Tenor foreign kidding no one knows who your real dad is confusing your mum there is it sorry [Applause] this is a bit awkward uh hello sir he's brilliant in bed didn't you well sorry I don't remember well that's the thing that annoys you I [ __ ] your mum the fact you don't even remember [ __ ] my mum well thankfully you all seem to be laughing you all seem to have taken that quite well what's your name sir [Music] Julio how did you know you were having a gay what were you thinking as as you gave birth you know I hope he's a little Bender uh I'll tell you what I'll call him Julio is that your girlfriend or beard as I like to call well done it's almost like you're protesting too much sorry you're clearly getting a bit of a hard time but you know you're smiling through it because at a comedy gig you're expecting people to be a bit you know that's a little bit of banter you maybe we weren't expecting that oh you're expecting a bit of bad the problem comes when you do this for six or seven days in a row and then you find yourself back in the real world doing something a bit mundane on a Monday morning I don't know maybe buying stamps at the post office and there's a bit of cheeky banter between you and the lady behind the Plexiglas I saw you on TV on Friday night did you what'd you think well you've clearly no match for Jonathan Ross well that's interesting because I [ __ ] your mum don't cry I'll go I saw a proper scientific survey it said that women can tell if a man wants a baby just by looking at the shape of his face presumably if it's like this that means he doesn't want a baby and if it's like this it means the conception will involve a turkey baster [Laughter] what that was my gay face was that not clear enough fine have it your way [Music] sorry I'd like to apologize for that my my I neglected the balls animal rights protesters being up in arms because guinea pigs were being used in testing I thought the clue there is in the name they're not calling them guinea pigs for nothing that's what they're for I was in the cinema last week with a friend he turned to me he said I'm just going to the gents do you want anything yeah bring us back some piss thanks very much maybe one of those little minty things from your rhino you know they're called urinal cakes there's a disappointing birthday laughs did you get me a cake is not your favorite the fog sign on the motorway how pointless is that four people driving along thinking I can't see a [ __ ] thing I wonder if I've got cataracts at least fog one I like do you all do the same thing as me when you drive normally you drive like that yeah that's the normal driving position a little bit of fog you'd run like that the fog who's in the car well what I'd like to do now ladies and gentlemen is tell you what this show is actually about I've had an extraordinary 12 months I've had a life-changing experience I was a very cynical man and I I didn't really have any religion in my life and I've I've let spirituality in in the last 12 months and it's been extraordinary so this evening what I really like to do is to test I'm joking there's no guard grow up unless of course you're Muslim in which case there definitely is a God I'm not a [ __ ] idiot foreign [Applause] ly I don't mind up saying the Church of England what are they going to do hold a fate I'm sure there are Christians out there in the audience now thinking if I get hold of that Jimmy Carr I'm gonna bloody well forgive him creationists the right-wing Christians creationists believe every word Genesis says I don't even think Phil Collins is a good drum people with Tourette's what makes them tick that was originally about suicide bombers I've toned it down for you if you were to count up every hot dog sold outside football grounds in Britain On Any Given Saturday chances are you're autistic right well I feel we've warmed up let's try some properly offensive jokes see how we get along 99 of women kiss with their eyes closed which is why it's so difficult to identify a rapist thank you let's have a little time out there and discuss the rules of the gig feed line punchline I'll take care of that and then you can either laugh you can laugh and applaud I'll be flattered and delighted or you can go whoa in a disapproving styling what you can't do is laugh applaud then look around and go I'm not having that let's give it a go I saw a headline in the evening standard it said football rapist quiz I thought was that story or a competition does anyone know do you know what you're meant to do if you're stung by a jellyfish episode it's exactly the right answer I didn't know that I got told everyone told me I went on holiday everyone told me if you get stung by a jellyfish you're meant to pee on it yeah I'll tell you this much it doesn't work as well on shark bites the boys family were livid thank you apparently once they've been dead for a couple of hours there is very little you can do foreign true urine can be used to disinfect a wound it's it's often taken the wrong way it's why I no longer work with the Saint John's ambulance come here love that looks nasty I don't really know what anyone wants to see on that same subject I've got a little time saving tip for the gentleman in the room I don't wash my hands after I pee what I do is I wash my [ __ ] in the morning then I'm good for the day sometimes it's the best bit of my day I am very thorough do you know what you meant to do if you're attacked by a bear does anyone know [ __ ] I have a feeling that might be quite involuntary that sounds like advice given by a forest ranger trying to kind of go well no that's the procedure I saw the bear coming at me I thought you could try and piss on it although I think if you whipped it out in front of a bear it would think oh an order [Music] any other suggestions as to what to do if you're attacked by a bear make yourself big yes make yourself big go and grab something to eat work out a little maybe buying one of those puffer jackets get back to the bear as soon as you possibly can [Music] do you mean go like that you're like an advert for natural selection there's a bear coming at us don't worry I'll handle this I imagine the bear would think oh look monster munch hello novelty food any other suggestions as to what to do if you're attacked by a bear play dead is exactly the right answer do you know why you're meant to play dead is to get used to how you're going to be in a minute foreign a snake bite isn't going to kill you unless of course you're allergic to cider well that's a joke for the Goths think about it they're the ones that need cheering up I love swearing I've always quite no you're right sorry what was that I missed a bit of chat hi it's not the Telly if you talk I can hear [Music] now you're looking pissed off you're thinking I didn't press the red button it's all Interactive what were you saying go on say you thought you thought you just said I thought you were talking about snake bite the drink okay in a joke a joke is like two stories yeah and the first story makes you make an assumption about something so the Assumption people made about snake bite in in that joke was that it was a snake biting you that's the setup of the joke so you made the Assumption he's talking about a snake bite a snake biting someone in the second part of the joke often known as the punch line foreign is that rug will be will be whipped from under you and you'll realize that the Assumption you made was erroneous suddenly revealing a fact that was previously concealed is is the nature of all one-liners button so in essence I was talking about both snake bites the thing that happens when a snake bites you and also the drink no problem at all it's lovely to help it's actually it's nice to have you here this evening because I think one of the charity gigs I did helped pay for the minibus that brought you here to see that money wasn't wasted oh bless a little huh what are you making of the rest of the show are you just enjoying the spangly things I've always liked swearing I'm a big fan of swearing especially sort of middle class polite swearing sort of swearing parents do in front of the kids to pretend they don't sweat terms like effing we all know it means [ __ ] but it's a nicer way of saying it I've got a story about this I was at a wedding with my friend Craig he's Scottish he swears a lot actually I don't need to say both of those things anyway we're all suited and booted at this very Posh wedding on our very best behavior he leans across the table he says pardon my French I thought we're in trouble here I happen to know you don't speak French you barely speak English as pardon my French but we all know Paul is an effing [ __ ] as if that's the bit of the sentence that needed cleaning up there I tell you what I think we're [ __ ] at as a nation I think we're terrible at languages would you agree with that I think the British are terrible at languages and I think that's why at one stage we had an Empire I think our arrogance got us an Empire because we're you know we got sailing ships and we went off around the world trying to buy stuff to bring back to show off that's what you do on your holidays we arrived on the shores of a foreign land we got out the boat and we said I'd like to buy some spices please I'm getting nothing here Jeremy said a bit louder I'd like to buy some spices please still nothing well I'll fetch the muskets will build a railway in 200 years they get my call center very much an Abridged version of Empire but that's what happened I've got another story about how bad we are at languages I was doing a bit of material last year about the rioting all over Paris French people writing it's funny oh quick Pierre to have a water cannon if we're not careful we'll be washed and I wanted to check I hadn't offended anyone so I said are there any French people in someone shouted SI senor I thought that's a new kind of stupid because it's Spanish [Music] [Applause] my favorite story of the last year concerned an Oxford student who was walking home late one night and he sexually harassed a police horse not like that that would be my favorite story ever but he was he was walking home late one night and he called the police horse gay that was his crime now if ever there was a victimless crime that's it calling a police horse gay for a start there's nothing to matter with being gay secondly it's a horse it can't understand thirdly even if by some miracle it could understand I think the horse would be okay with being called Gay because I think a horse would be fairly sexually self-confident I mean for a start it's hung like itself but the policeman didn't let it go no he got off the horse he arrested the young man took him to the cells overnight in the end he was fined 70 pounds through the courts for calling a police horse gay I wish I'd been his lawyer I would have got him off because in his defense the horse was standing naked on all fours in the middle of the street with a uniform man on his back that is quite scared you're gay right come on you're so far in the closet you're having adventures in Narnia don't get the wrong idea I thoroughly approve it's a lifestyle choice the wrong choice if God didn't approve of homosexuality you would have sent some sort of plague to wipe them out [Music] oh easy if anyone's offended can I refer you to my earlier comments where I said I don't believe in God and then respectfully request you [ __ ] off [Applause] it's only a joke jokes are fine proper homophobia isn't fine I don't like it when the tabloids are homophobic because that's such an important part of our culture the tabloids when they get it wrong it sends a very bad message do you remember last year when they outed a footballer which is a terrible thing to do anyway they outed this footballer and in the course of the article where they out of this guy as a homosexual they described consensual oral sex between two adults yeah so Two Fellas sucking each other off they describe that as a prank how demeaning to homosexuals is that to have that act of lovemaking described as a prank and it also doesn't work from the other point of view because I like to think of myself as something of a prankster I don't think I've ever said gotcha don't forget the balls that's you you really do care what about you from sir you're from New York what are you doing over here do you mind me asking you do something you moved here for work what sort of work do you do I mean I'm not suggesting I need to see your papers but thank you what are you bringing to the party finance and I.T I can't really think what that is that cash points looking at ATMs [Music] it's our language you [ __ ] ruined it [Applause] [Music] yeah next time you have a fight with someone stop getting us involved [Music] you're getting blamed for everything go on you can in German sorry if it wasn't for you we'd be speaking German how little do you know about our language abilities there's no way we've been 60 years a year one area of life where comedy lets me down all the time is greeting cards I love sending cards to people but I can never think of anything funny to write in them so I thought well I'm a professional comedian I'll sit down and give it some time and some effort come up some things you could put in cars so you know might help out next time you're in that spot life is pain misery and suffering an inevitable March towards death happy fifth birthday Kate by the time you read the end of this sentence you'll have forgotten the first half but what the hell have a great 87th grandma office cards are difficult leaving cards especially you know when you have to all sign everyone in the office what do you write especially if you don't know the person obviously it doesn't matter because you're never going to see the [ __ ] again so here's what I'd recommend we never really had a chance to get to know one another but I've always noticed you in the office and I just have a feeling we'd get on together how about a drink sometime maybe dinner who knows where it might lead good luck with the baby obviously the worst kind of card you can come across in everyday life is the whip round card it's a [ __ ] nightmare a big envelope comes around a bit of change in the bottom who starts it no one likes I've Got a Theory it's the person who the whip round is for so whip around for Jimmy I thought you were Jimmy no here's what I think you should write in the next whitbrown card you don't know me but I got bullied into putting five pounds in your collection because I didn't have any change and people were watching so [ __ ] you for what it's worth this is my favorite thing that I've ever written in a card no one wants to die alone tied up in a shed having been tortured for days so be my valentine [Music] pity is key to the success of that Valentine's is easy all you need to do is get a card with a couple of hearts on it and go for the traditional message I tend to go for the you know the really old-fashioned sentiment I love you there I said it now will you please let me do it up the bum let's start a conversation great Valentine's is weird isn't it because it's the one day of the year where you get Anonymous mail from a stranger saying I'd like to [ __ ] you you go oh any other day that's stalking and I found that out the hard way get well soon get well soon cards are difficult because it says it all on the front doesn't it get well soon that's all you want to say so you know what do you write inside here's what I'd suggest or your wife will start looking elsewhere motivation what about when get well soon is not appropriate yeah I've got a friend he's quite seriously or getting well soon would be miraculous getting well at all we're told there's a long shot but there was nothing for me in the card shop I had to make my own card in the end I went with die with dignity [Music] avoid him for long world's best dad if you want to see your kids again leave ten thousand pounds in the bins around the back of Dixies congratulations on your results negative who to thought [Applause] good luck in your exam I'm sure it's benign I know you think that's offensive but it's not when you compare it to this foreign I know nothing's happened yet a card on the front there is a girl throwing her hair back clearly having a brilliant time she's 16 it just says you're 16. and then inside I've written but it's still our little secret lots of love Dad [Applause] congratulations you're 18. Stone nearly your target weight I'm having to do a lot of baby cards recently because a lot of my friends are having babies and you've got to do the card for when the baby arrives but also the one when they find out they're pregnant so first one you're having a baby thank you [ __ ] for that I thought you've been getting fat you're having a baby and that's final yours the Catholic Church oh they're sticklers for that kind of thing it's a girl better luck next time lots of love the Chinese foreign is anyone celebrating anything this evening a birthday anniversary anything going on in your lives [Applause] are you sex tuplets or something who's got a birthday out there hi how old are you 17. great news I'm not going to jail [Music] and since you're 17 what today March all right no so you've misunderstood you come and stay with her we've uh we've all got birthdays at different times of the year when someone says do you have a birthday they tend to mean now they don't they don't just mean were you born of woman March you can [ __ ] off oh what'd you do not I meant sexually 17 that's fine that's deeply creepy by the way that when we give me a thumbs up though thanks for that yeah you pop up there and groom huh I'll be up in a minute you're bloody weirdo has anyone else got a birthday more legitimate you've got a birthday why how old are you 26 tomorrow okay well that's a problem what's your name David all right I'll write your car David what'd you do you're a doctor okay happy birthday David I my wrist what's happened how annoyed are you in that everyone you've ever met a terrible rash on my [ __ ] I'm joking it's not terrible you'll be fine I'll wear a condom there won't be a problem the king not going to wear a condom [Applause] see your doctor what kind of doctor are you I like Pediatric [Music] s well I can't say that I approved but I admire your honesty happy birthday David I've written in big don't touch them just a little reminder there you go there's a kind of happy birthday today let's give it have you ever looked at a bill in a restaurant where it says service not included and thought no it wasn't was it I was staying in a hotel last week I came down for breakfast I said I'll have a continental breakfast as is my want the waiter said to me what room are you in I said it's the dining room sex is always better in hotels if you notice that ladies and gentlemen sex is always better in hotels why is that is it because it's with a hooker foreign because you don't have to clean the sheets how are you [ __ ] her that there's a hole maybe later oh I see a little bit of the bum sex going on I always think you know you're doing something bad sexually bad in a good way when you think we better put a towel down before that happens who you think you always know we're doing something a bit experimental yeah we better just cover that first because yeah I've never done this before it could end badly I don't even know if you're going to make it through but good luck love do you think strippers get home after a hard day on dressing and think oh more work I realize that's the worst mime of a stripper there's it I'd love to go to a strip club where they just went like that that's my vagina have a butchers shows over I've discovered incidentally the worst thing you can say when a stripper is performing I was at my friend Toby stag do and we booked a stripper but she fell through on the day because she was unwell so the agency sent us a replacement anywhere there's 20 of us in the basement of a restaurant in West London watching this girl do some fairly grisly things which I will come to later and Lee turned to Harvey and he whispered and I don't know where he learned to whisper I'm guessing in a [ __ ] helicopter because we all heard he went yeah I heard the fit one let us down Road around the room that's how big her vagina was she was doing some fairly horrible things she was doing a thing with a bottle I was disgusted red wine with fish I once went out with a girl who was so fat it felt like I was two-timing her I'm joking I didn't go out with her the big problem they talk about these days is childhood obesity they talk about that all the time childhood obesity and they say these kids are greedy they're not greedy they've just got slow metabolisms and very fast cheap eating hands there are one million obese children in Britain today do you realize if they all jumped up and down at the same time they might lose a little bit of [ __ ] weight I worry that these are these children are sending a very mixed message to our pedophiles but who wants to fiddle with a fatty sex offenders register I'm not even sure they should be in school screaming in bed ladies that's all very well screaming in bed fine express yourself but why does it always have to be the same thing ah you're on my hair well maybe if you've got a Brazilian this wouldn't happen buying presents for women that's a nightmare isn't it I thought I can't do flowers again I can't do chocolates again I'll go for lingerie mum was livid foreign think about sex every seven seconds which I think makes talking to your dad creepy people say the book's always better than the film yeah the book's always better than the film I don't agree with that I can think loads of films are much better than the book come guzzling [ __ ] I've seen that film a hundred times it's much better than the book The book's all stuck together and it smells funny [Applause] applauding that you should be ashamed of yourself size isn't important it's what you do with it would you agree with that ladies [Music] the [ __ ] and she doesn't care who knows it so it's quite possible you just whispered and he picked up an echo I've just I've just always thought that such a [ __ ] expression size is important it's what you do with it while I was planning to pop it in your mouth on your vagina how's that is that going to be a total waste of time I like it when ladies get tattoos are there any ladies in here got tattoos what have you got that a what you've got a vent I think that may be the crudest term I've ever heard for a vagina [Applause] event well if you're particularly gassy I suppose whereabouts is this vent on your arm you've got an event you you have by all accounts got some sort of vent [ __ ] go girl [Music] nothing says feminine like air conditioning equipment [Applause] nothing says I'm hot like I need a [ __ ] vent that's how hot I [ __ ] am has anyone got one on the small of their back what have you got a football symbol well sorry yes I would oh look football symbol what is it it's Gaelic football right now I know what gaming football is how come you've got that there did you do the whole team and you got a bonus I don't know it's just it's always from me it's a lovely place to get a tattoo because it's discreet when you ask a lot of ladies why they get a tattoo they they say I got one there because it's just for me and my partner all partners thank you it's you know but my question is if he's looking at that he's already having a good time the last thing he needs is more visual stimulus what you've basically got on your lower back is a target having said that I really like tattoos there so I'm trying to convince my girlfriend to get one I wanted to either get if you can read this you're [ __ ] me or now wash your hands I'd like to get a tattoo I'm thinking about getting one just there just across there just above the Speedos just above the banana hammock saying caution choking hazard foreign nuts one in three people fantasize about group sex three in one people is group sex all kinds of group sex I'm not in favor of the two guys one girl threesome for the very simple reason I never want to see another man's happy face because women when they orgasm look beautiful and Serene full of life I've seen it in magazines and films but men when they orgasm look as if they're drinking vinegar through their eyes canal has anyone been involved in that kind of Campus anyone had the two guys one girl threesome have you been involved in that kind of keeper sir you're not willing to say what was it three fellas was it your brother has gone what happened sir come on tell us you started drinking and it just happened you got hammered did you well the guy missed I'm looking at you sir and I'm guessing you've never been with a woman but you made up a story [Applause] I just my question is I don't know what the etiquette would be you know because do you change ends at half time I think it would take more willpower than I have not to high-five the other fella nice work I think if you're a gentleman you would change ends because you know she's got enough to be thinking about I can't even do that let alone this [ __ ] everywhere [Applause] I saw a thing in the paper a couple of months ago it said if you're filling in an application form these days trying to apply for a job or maybe applying for University something like that anything we have to fill in a form they don't care about your qualifications as much what they want is someone with a bit of a sense of humor I thought well I could help but I don't think of some funny things you could put in forms might help someone out is anyone applying for a job or anything like that or what are you applying for to be a teacher I read a thing recently that said that the best teachers the ones that graduate very top of teacher training go and teach at special needs schools I couldn't help thinking isn't that a bit of a waste why are they going to get a better standard of potato painting [Music] together you never know educational qualifications you've got to kick off with that for the CV I went to boarding school I was a day boy at least I think that's what they were shouting I got a double thirst at Cambridge first person to get their balls out in choir practice first person to be hospitalized by a chaplain personal statement that's an annoying thing you've got to do a personal statement now you've already filled in a CV in an application form and then they might write a little essay about yourself at the end it's rubbish here's my personal statement you can borrow if you like I've got tiny balls like marbles is that personal enough [Applause] what do you expect the position you've applied for to involve endless meetings a few months of keeping my head down a fight with the boss of the Christmas party a drunken sexual dalliance with a colleague some sort of harassment tribe you know followed by Swift departure a little bit of realism there a little bit of Truth for you I applied to be in the police any policemen in undercover I see well they've got a great form the the police what's your greatest Personal Achievement to date they ask I've said I've stolen over 16 000 pounds worth of stationery without once getting caught what I used to do is I used to take all the Post-it notes and pens and pads and ink cartridges and laptops stuff you're gonna Nick anyway just like instead of nicking it in my bag or my coat what I used to do is get all that stuff put it in a box yeah and then when it was full take it to the post room and have them deliver it to my house it was [ __ ] brilliant because not only did you get the stuff you were going to steal anyway you also got kind of a Christmas morning surprise two days later a package for me who could have been so kind it was me what do you consider your greatest weakness I demand too much of myself and others either that or [ __ ] how much alcohol do you consume over a seven day period how do you possibly expect me to remember I lost a fortnight [Music] have you ever misused any illegal substances yes I once accidentally snorted heroin thinking it was cocaine I'm not proud of that but it happened best to be honest this is a sad State of Affairs but this is the last question on the police form are you all racist or have you ever been a member of the BNP I've said no but I'm a fast learner and I'll do anything to get this job [Applause] we all saw that tree I apply to work at Starbucks the Posh coffee shop because I'm in there every day anyway I thought I might as well do you enjoy working as part of a team they ask I've said absolutely I very much enjoyed the workplace team Dynamic it's easier to get away with stuff plus there are those long lunches and the team building weekends where you get to make a raft and finger each other in that when was the last time you received great customer service and why was it so memorable I was with a wonderful prostitute the other night seriously she had a vagina like a mouse's ear I imagine that would mean she could hear you coming sorry where did you hear about this role you can't just say Steve told me you've got to dress it up a bit so here's here's my version feel free to use it if you need it well I just returned from teaching the Harvard MBA my wife Scarlett Johansson and I were entertaining our good friend Professor Stephen Hawking who would come to ask my advice on his latest Theory concerning the evolution of the universe he and I were in the library browsing through my most recent translation of Etruscan hymns into middle Flemish when he said I'll never forget this he said Jimmy there's a job going at Starbucks and I think you'd be perfect for it only he said it in his hilarious Dalek voice I applied to be in the fire service they've got a very good form they asked what skills do you think you possess that you could bring to the fire service I've said I'm good at playing pool sitting on my fat ass collecting for comic relief and Plumbing foreign [Applause] I realize if my house burns down they'll bring marshmallows that's fine they also ask what's your greatest Personal Achievement to date I've said when I was 14 I just managed to suck the very tip of my winky well we've all tried it's no one's proudest moment unless of course you've succeeded in which goes well done well we have all tried ladies you're looking at me like you don't believe me now let's let's do a little sociological experiment gentlemen if you have never tried to fellate yourself suck yourself off I was saying what it meant I wasn't saying shut yourself off that wasn't an order gentlemen if you've never tried to fellate yourself raise your hand now that's my favorite bit of the show it's the couples that have clearly been together for a while Ally based it's the woman initially going so he said put your hand up he never listens I'm in the slow look of realization you're optimistic you can't even touch your [ __ ] toes quite a few of you down there have got your hands up you guys did you all ever go on each other's did you I like the way sorry you guys that I presume you're someone's dad and then all the kids there is that yeah okay so you've got dad and then kid kid kid kid kid and it went basically dad put his hand up and then son went yeah and then the next one went yeah and then the next one went yeah I've definitely never done that down the line it was like a domino effect but with horrible lies that make the baby Jesus cry even the little baby Jesus tried to suck his own car come on [Music] can you say that yeah sure you can one of them Prince can suck his own [ __ ] and by that I'm in Prince Kentucky's own [ __ ] I've had it with him why did you leave your previous job well that's tricky to answer you can't just put embezzling said I needed a new challenge and after you [ __ ] the boss's wife where else is there to go what will you bring to the job I'll be bringing my sister's kids with me on Tuesday afternoons when she's doing Aqua aerobics give an example of when you've used initiative I've got a couple of different examples for you in case you don't like the first one there was a fight outside the pub when I was 17 between these two massive tattoo blokes one of the men was knocked on the paper and unconscious I seized the opportunity and kick him in the face yeah in case you didn't like that I've got another version for you I got ID made up saying I'm from the gas board it's not very convincing but then pensioners don't have great eyesight [Music] the idea is fake then does she really need a telly [Applause] describe yourself in three words smart Dynamic intelligent attentive do you have any special needs they ask this on quite a lot of forms now do you have any special needs I've written back yeah you've got special needs thank you [Applause] note the correct spelling of [Music] I've got a lot growing up to do and last one how long is your notice period I usually notice enough almost immediately women think men will piss in the sink if the toilet's busy do you think that [ __ ] will piss in the sink if it's nearer train toilets are disgusting I wrote to complain while I say I wrote to complain I scroll to this is disgusting on the mirror in [ __ ] was there and that's the important thing and tells me about day in real time sex can get monotonous within a relationship same person every month laughs I remember the first girl I ever held you never forget your first hostage I tell you what's embarrassing getting your [ __ ] stuck in the Flies of another man's trousers what's your name Adam I better ask Gemma hello Gemma is there any chance you could just pop the Chinese lobbles out for a minute keep turning on the edge of orgasm at all times I've seen it in films I know what'd you do Gemma you're a cheerleading coach the easiest job in the world I think if I'm not mistaken there's a new name for Cheerleading Coach though isn't there don't we call it grooming now so what who do who do they cheerlead for you have a squad called the Watts gems the fury jams is that a term for menstruation sorry there's a cheerleading squad called The Fury jams sure I love now got the fury gems and you teach people to cheerlead these are these are grown adults 10 to 16. and you get them to I'm pretty sure it is spurt I know there's a lot of showering there's more showering than you would imagine but has anyone else got any cheerleading DVDs I'm something of a connoisseur I have a collection and mainly they like to get sudsy let's move this along but lovely lovely to meet you with your hilarious laugh it's infectious I like it thanks very much for coming thanks and thanks very much for cheerleading thank you for helping our young people let's go it's valuable work you do foreign I've got a little tip for you if you get stopped by the police in the car and they they do the usual thing of getting you to wind down your window and say excuse me sir do you uh do you know why we stopped you don't say no did you forget I hate that actually a very good driver last year I got 25 points my maths teacher always used to say show you're working out so in maths I'd always wear a vest my best friend at school was asthmatic for a laugh used to Heidi's venting inhaler but what are wheeze [Music] I had a friend that used to self-harm because he was bullied I used to think whose side are you on I tell you why blame for all the drugs in schools the supply teachers are there any ghosts in today begoni goths no Goths in the audience oh there's one goth there hello goth how are you know I'm loving the Goths don't get the wrong idea it's just whenever I see a goth walking down the street I don't see one person I see two disappointed parents thinking he used to be such a lovely boy and now he looks like a [ __ ] girl no I'm not having a young people some young people do have genuine problems some young people have got terrible skin I had a pizza delivered last week I thought the guy's face was a special promotion In fairness it did look delicious it was all cheesy and bubbly and whatnot if you do a bad skin look on the positive side it's Nature's Own condom it was a lot easier these days yeah yeah a lot easier than when I was at school apart from history that's got harder more things have happened when I was at school when I was 17 my mate Anthony on his 17th birthday brought in a one two five CC motorbike he thought he was the dog's bollocks he came in we all went it's really dangerous man just be careful on that yeah he went yeah dangerous whatever think about how many birds I can pick up with this not only lets you join a stunt team one between neighborhood watch and becoming a vigilante and it's a line you cross when you buy a cape do you know there's now a warning on superhero costumes if you buy a superhero costume it says on it this costume does not give you special powers or indeed the right to see your children [Music] kids say the funniest things please don't hurt mummy he's already dead [Music] by shouting out who's a mum proper ones not just ones that have done it to get a flat no mums are great they're the great unsung heroes of our society they do so much for so little what do mums ever get all they ever get is you know not even a thank you just Mother's Day Mother's Day is rubbish isn't it it's like a Toblerone from the garage or some flowers from a Lamppost [Music] what I think it's all right to give your mum flowers you've taken from a Lamppost where there's been an accident because if you think about it you wouldn't do that if she'd brought you up a little bit better it's her fault of course one of the major supermarkets is trying to redress the balance yeah there's just Mother's Day for mums but they've decided to have a mum of the Year competition mum of the year to sort of you know just reward ordinary everyday moms acknowledge you know all the good work moms do the only thing I would question about their charitable Endeavor is the massive banners they put outside every one of their Superstores saying enter your mum today [Music] I mean fair enough if she's up for that she deserves something might I suggest a call from Social Services sugary tea was my mom's cure for everything her like elixir of life if you had any kind of problem emotional physical Financial it wouldn't matter she would say come in I'll make you a nice sweet cup of tea which was fine until we found out my brother was diabetic being diabetics a pain in the ass because it's sort of a mid-range illness isn't it it's not a cold it's a bit more serious than that but it's unlikely to kill you and it won't get you into the Paralympics mid-range you've got to really search for the positives with the mid-range things of course the positive thing about being diabetic is of course you can kill yourself with sweets I'm going to end it all past the sherbet did perhaps and that might just cheer you up enough not to [ __ ] bother I've got a half brother same mum and dad but he's our Aphrodite I had a run-in with a transsexual not not your classic you know I went to Amsterdam and I met someone in a bar and one thing led to another and we ended up back at the hotel and you know had a few drinks I'll have paid now [Music] this transsexual this person that used to be a man and is now a woman came to help us out on a show she was doing a little bit for us in a TV show and um she uh they've done a brilliant job surgically I mean she looked like a woman she looked brilliantly like a woman but I think if you were born a man there's certain things you will always maintain a certain masculine traits you will always have even if whatever the surgeons do and she came into the Green Room where we're all hanging out before the show very demially in in high heels and said excuse me where's The Powder Room I said you can't miss it it's just down there on the right she said oh thank you very much very demially totted out on Heels just as she was leaving the room she picked up a paper put it under her arm most blokey thing in the world I've had a big lunch I'm off for a massive [ __ ] well what I'd like to do now ladies gentlemen is help you I'd like to become an Agony aunt and to that end I went and looked in lots of magazines at the agonyon column they're all genuine letters these and I went through and I thought well could I do better agonyon answers then they're Agony arts and I think in many of the cases yes I bloody can so I'll take you through some examples and then maybe you could share with me some of your problems and I will do my best to sort them out of course I will all you've got to be to be an Agony artist is considerate and caring compassionate my boyfriend loses his erection as soon as he goes anywhere near a condom we have loads of foreplay and it gets really hard but as soon as he tries to put one on he loses it what can we do Karen in cleethorpes now their response was have a kiss and a cuddle try again in 15 minutes good luck with that she's not getting any better looking foreign I've gone for this as an answer in situations such as these it's very easy to put the onus of blame onto the mail and this can cause enormous trauma and place unnecessary strain on a relationship therefore it's worth reminding you it's often the woman's fault the penis is if you will a barometer of sexual attraction and if you do not meet its high standards it's likely you will go without the sex you so cravenly demand having said that here are some tips that might help if your boyfriend wears glasses perhaps suggest he takes them off for sex simple but effective instead of using condoms why don't you go on the pill and have weekly AIDS tests if you do get AIDS lemsip can help or you could just walk it off this next one's from woman's own magazine I I've been with a lovely man for six months he's just confessed to me that he likes to dress up in women's clothes and I'm horrified I feel so let down that I don't know if I can cope it's from Jackie and Dunstable I've written back pot kettle black Jackie do you dress as a woman I bet you [ __ ] do you hypocrite regards Jimmy this one requires a little bit of maturity from everyone my boyfriend isn't really into having me perform oral sex he says he's just too sensitive and it doesn't feel as good as intercourse I've asked my other guy friends and they tell me it's weird because all guys like to receive oral sex are they right I'm starting to wonder what's going on well I've written back if you can't suck a [ __ ] quickly I don't know how to help you have you tried practicing nodding at people with your mouth open P.S don't neglect the balls this next one is surprisingly succinct when you consider the subject matter one of my vagina lips hangs lower than the other even them up I've said yes but a cheaper alternative is to live as a spinster on that cheery note do any of you have any problems you would like me to help you with anything at all it can be as mundane as you like or as interesting you we well the good news is Sir you have a sexually transmitted disease news the bad news is you've announced that in a crowded theater any other any other problem oh you've got a problem sorry yeah since you since you were little you've been called ginger and ginger pubes well you want ginger what do you [ __ ] want I can see how that's happened be a terrible miscarriage of Justice if you had dark black hair [Music] have I got any advice to beat the bullies uh find someone weaker than you until try and turn them against him yeah you think I'm Ginger look at this [ __ ] you know I've got no I mean beating the bullies it's a tough thing I think you should always what do they say always stand up to bullies yeah because then then it's funnier for everyone else that's how the expression goes did your mum tell you that no advice she just lets them do it wow she sounds great is she not ginger as well she's not your real mum [Applause] is your father Ginger have they told you you're adopted this is a hell of a way to find out isn't it yeah how'd you find out you were adopted they tell you when you were six or seven when you processed that information no was it one of Jimmy Kell's DVD gigs and he told me I'll give you a few more examples have a think of some more problems Come Share be good for you all funny for me one on the other you can never remember which since splitting up with my long-term boyfriend a year ago I've had a string of one night stands I always feel cheap and used in the morning and I swear I'll never do it again but I can't seem to stop while I've written back quite an unusual opening to a letter give me an S give me an L give me a u give me a t did our cheerleader just go whoa foreign could you be more specific with your contact details [Music] this is a letter to Spirit and Destiny magazine it's a magazine aimed at people that like horoscopes but also believe in Witchcraft and ghosts and all that kind of thing has anyone here ever seen a ghost yeah you've seen a ghost that's extraordinary thing because in the magazine there's a specialist term for people that have seen a ghost schizophrenic [Music] have you really seen a ghost um well sort of when we were like 11 me and my friends when you were 11 yeah yeah was that ectoplasm and an uncle you'd rather forget yeah that's right you saw a ghost that's right make the bad man stop make the Batman stop moving on anyway this magazine spoon Destiny's fantastic um it's got an Agony Aunt column written by a white witch apparently they're the best ones a little bit racist if you ask me but that's the way these people roll the letters are fantastic I have a chronic neck problem that several doctors and Specialists can't find any physical cause is it possible that I brought this painful condition forward from a past life and how can I safely gain access to past lives to find out I've said yes it's highly likely you were hanged in the 1500s for being an idiot question for people that believe in past lives would you like to buy some magic beans this one was written to Sugar magazine which is a magazine aimed at 14 year old girls I'm a girl of 14. told you and I'm deeply in love with my cousin you have our interest we are really close such as having sex going out to movies Etc hell of a [ __ ] sentence one day while having sex his sister saw us and she is torturing us and saying she will tell both our parents and we're 100 sure our parents will not approve please help I've written back I say go for it cousins [ __ ] why not your freakish offspring are the closest we'll ever get to real superheroes goodness think about it if people like that don't have sex one day we may run out of Channel 5 documentaries it's quite sad I was sexually abused as a child I'm worried that my personality and history will lead me to abuse others have you thought about career in the Catholic Church stop touching kids I was raised Catholic the thing that used to annoy me about church when I was little was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling I wish the priest could just pick a position and [ __ ] me okay any other problems who else has got a problem they'd like to share you can't stop wanking do you mean you do it a lot or you can't ejaculate that's how I know I finished if a special white wee-wee comes out the end I immediately turn off whatever I was watching catch a glimpse of the reflection in the TV and think oh grow up what you masturbate a lot to you right well how many times a day are we talking four times a day have you considered just giving into it and becoming a sex offender clearly that's the road nature is pushing you down you must have waited four times sorry are you in a relationship is that is that your girlfriend you're gay but I've always just thought if you if you're if you're a gay man it's sort of easier if you just want sex to pick someone up you can't you can't always be asked well you could go on top sometimes couldn't you I think that's fine that's how you sound particularly healthy well done how old are you do you mind me asking 20. okay I know 20 is pretty reasonable yeah I think when I was your age I think I was I was knocking a few out a day I think we all were so we've got a little focus group of young men there let's just find an average here and fellas in your Prime how many are you rubbing out a day what I'm only asking you're not prepared to say five [Applause] I don't know if there's any other men in their 30s thinking oh for [ __ ] sake there I am thumbing in a softie with a beautiful woman [Music] I can't believe it there's no [ __ ] Justice uh good on you um yo come on why and what someone can you why are willies so ugly because you're a lesbian foreign [Applause] step brother he shout to me and my dad all the time and I hate it I want to run away from home what should I do Michelle 14. I said yeah run away from home but bear in mind the thing about your stepbrother is he's not gonna be quite as annoying as a Serbian pimp I have terrible period pains every six weeks I suffer pulling mood swings and for the first couple of days I can hardly move with the pain what do you recommend they said hot water bottle bed rest and chocolate I've gone for the rather more old school have you considered building a shed in your garden where you can hide your shame it's a great letter I've fallen for my lodger we get on incredibly well and have started sleeping together I'd like to take the relationship to the next level but I still need the rent I've got as far as saying well you've gone from boarding house to brothel any other last problems anyone else got anything going on I'm going home you're going so I can see you and I think it may have happened I don't think there's there's any ing needed uh but that's nothing to be ashamed of is it going bald people here no I mean my audience are quite cool but you know occasionally one of you guys gets in and would you know why men go bald it's quite interesting I read an article in New Scientist magazine apparently men go ball because of too much male hormone so my advice to you is to stop swallowing yeah yo come on your mom keeps calling me asking for sex my dead mom keeps on calling you at least twice right she's barking up the wrong tree with you isn't she no you you're up for it oh that's lovely to hear not deterred by finding out she's dead he's gone yeah it's fine I mean that see that would seem like a rude thing to shout out your mum's up for it but I don't mind at all because I was warned but he was going to be here this evening I knew you were going to be here because I was actually warned by your mum seriously she did she warned me she said [Applause] she said my voice going to be your show he's a wrong and he'll probably share something else at least I think she was talking to me I wasn't the only one there [Music] and she had her mouth full go on have another go I do this for a living I love it any other problems we will find well the final couple of these I met a man who's wonderful and we love each other very much however I recently found in his cupboard a homemade dildo made out of cardboard wrapped in cellophane do you think he's gay I've said but it looks bad but on the bright side he's recycling last one for the past two years I've suspected that my dad is having an affair with the next door neighbor should I confront him about it I said no don't confront him first off look for Clues did the next door neighbors kids look like you have you been told not to [ __ ] them is there a hole in the garden fence oh sure slugs leave a trail like that [Applause] I saw a story in the local paper it said an 83 year old woman was Marrying an 87 year old man I thought oh that's not going to last I hated when the news tries to trick you you know when you're listening to a song in the car it finishes the news headlines come on it's a headline that grabs your attention something big and bad and important has happened you think well I better turn this up and pay attention 20 killed in suicide bomb attack in Basra well that doesn't count you should have had to say that first I went to a pub quiz the other night native cancer research found myself halfway through thinking well how much closer to a cure for cancer are we getting by doing a pub quiz and then I thought well don't be cynical look at the best case scenario what if they throw in the question what's the heel for cancer and someone flukes it [Applause] I've got a question for you child cruelty what do you think good thing bad thing it's a bad thing yeah well done sir I think it's universally acknowledged that child cruelty is a very bad thing and yet there are adverts on our TVs every day saying don't Smack children never an excuse to smack a child that's just telling us the blatantly obvious isn't it I think they should have to take a little bit of the money they spend on those adverts telling us not to smack our children and spend a bit on an advert aim specifically at children simply saying behave let's face it there's no smoke without fire putting out cigarettes on children that are just quietly coloring in in the corner are they [Music] those drink driving ads are horrific aren't they they're like 30 second horror films my favorite it's two or three years ago and it was it panned down a hospital Corridor to find this man sitting in a hospital bed being fed mushy food by a nurse and the voiceover simply said this is a drunk driver and you find yourself thinking will it be something of a liability behind the wheel sober [Music] has anyone here ever driven drunk has anyone by show of hands anyone you you have well I admire your honesty you know I hope nothing bad happened when you did that and let's face it they were mitigating circumstances when you drove drunk you were pissed we've all done things we regret when we're pissed some of you may be with one of them this evening I hope nothing bad happened when when you drove drunk you know I think if they made an advert about the normal experience it would just be a bloke waking up the next day with an extra 20 quidney's wallet because you didn't have to pay for a cat it would be shocking but in a different way I think the people that make the drink driving AD should be forced to make an advert aimed specifically at pedestrians simply saying pedestrians watch where you're going some of us have had a drink [Music] it costs 165 000 pounds to raise a child to the age of 18 in the UK that's why I've sponsored one in Africa it's a pound a week one in four African children has a gun think about that the other three are [ __ ] do what they need in sub-Saharan Africa a little it's [ __ ] cheap little who can't afford that see the most callous thing I heard about family in Africa was not from another comedian you know trying to make light of it but it was from two ladies in their 50s in a doctor's surgery in North London and one of them was looking at the headlines in the paper and it was all about the famine and she just put down the paper and said rhetorically this famine it's terrible isn't it and her friend without skipping a beat went yeah but they don't get our Winters I thought [ __ ] you know that is Harsh and then I'm ashamed to say a small part of me went it doesn't always look nice of course the big campaign the last couple of years was stop third world dead well I can't understand is how they're getting into debt in the first place there's no [ __ ] shops what idiot Saturday boys giving a Kalahari Bushman interest-free credit on a stereo I still can't understand how the third world hasn't Consolidated their debts into one easy monthly payment surely That's the Way Forward they should get in touch with the good people of ocean Finance have you seen those commercials they're incredible they take 15 of the ugliest people you've ever seen and they all say exactly the same thing down the lens as if it's taking every ounce of their wit to get this simple sentence out they all say they made it so easy they made it so easy and you're looking at it thinking well they're kind they're [ __ ] actor if they'd made it complicated you wouldn't have understood and if it had been difficult it would have been a bit like work and you don't like that do you that's how you got into this mess [Applause] my favorite thing about natural disasters and I know it's wrong to have a list certainly getting it laminated was a mistake but Mike my favorite thing about natural disasters is the fact they call them acts of God and then two days later they have a day of prayer so the day of prayer for an act of God what I want to know is how does that prayer go dear Lord what the [ __ ] you know was that all about half the people that I've ever smoked have now stopped which sounds good but when I say stopped a lot of them are dead I think there's nicer ways of saying things aren't they like saying I've got a lot of nieces and nephews there's a nice way to say my sister is a [ __ ] [Music] she favors the flatter shoe is a nice way to say lesbian [Music] why is sex is a lovely term for rape scared of the dark is a nice way to say horrible racist it's a nice way to say pull my finger [Music] when I was at school a girl called Alice wanked off a dog for three cigarettes I know what you're thinking how did a dog get cigarettes I think British men have got a fairly terrible reputation in the bedroom we're always saying the wrong thing I remember once having a one night stand with a girl and after the sex she turned to me and jokingly said who's gonna sleep in the wet patch I said you're optimistic I'm not staying this is a good story about how bad British men are in the sack I've Got a Friend he went on holiday to IB through he was about 25 at the time and he picked up a girl got her back to the villa they made love underneath the Moonlight on The Veranda sounds fairly romantic I think as a setting but he managed to [ __ ] it up don't worry about that she turned to him she said talk Dirty to Me no more accurately talk Dirty to Me to think okay gentlemen you've all got a couple of seconds just go to the place in your head the little Rolodex of dirt next to the wank Bank generally but you you know you've got something smarter you could get out pretty quickly you've all got something right he had a few seconds to think he came up with the following have some of that you fat slang [Applause] I imagine pretty quickly followed by why are you crying in terms of romance it's right out there with Willow Won't Suck Itself I'm not saying that women aren't as bad women can be as bad I once I once had sex with an Australian girl she said midcoitus whilst [ __ ] she said have you slimed yet have you slammed yet oh there was no [ __ ] Ghostbusters [Applause] I fantasize about having sex with the gymnast not just because they're really bendy and flexible and you could do loads of extraordinary positions but also because I imagine they do a brilliant dismount [Music] they end up by the side of the bed like that if they bend their knees even just a little bit you can make them do it again eighty percent of personal ads say good sense of humor required and the reason 80 of personal ads say good sense of humor required is because everything else in the personal ad is a lie you turn up on the blind date she says I know I said it was petite and pretty You've Gotta Laugh [Applause] who says you enjoy long walks which is handy because you can [ __ ] right off [Applause] there's quite a lot of couples in I can see lots of couples around the place if you all had the sexual history conversation not all of you clearly the sexual history conversation happens about three four five months into a relationship and the woman says to the man I'd like to know about your sexual history and the man thanks for knowing you [ __ ] wouldn't [Music] ask once she keeps on asking until she gets a result yeah I had this recently I was cornered had to have the sexual history conversation I had to list every woman I'd ever been with from the girl I lost my virginity to right the way up to her and that is where I should have stopped [Applause] [Music] are you all familiar with the Spider-Man yes the sexual practice Don't Panic I'll explain for Spider-Man is a sexual practice whereby you're making love to a woman from behind that's key to this operation you're just about to arrive you've got your happy face on you look like a turtle [ __ ] [Music] you pull out a man I realize many of you are looking at me thinking well why did he tell us that that sounds horrible sounds very aggressive not very romantic and loving but the reason I'm telling you is because men are such bad communicators especially at times of high emotion like a breakup so gentlemen I don't think you ever need to have that awkward it's not me it's you conversation again I think next time when you think the relationship has run its course simply Spiderman she will either think that was brilliant in which case she's a keeper or this is over isn't it thank you very much indeed cheers [Applause] thank you thank you very much right on Encore what jokes do you want to hear again [Music] I'll tell you what you can do if you've been in a relationship a couple of years and the sex is still fantastic but it's got a bit routine you know you do the same things in the same order on the same night of the week or whatever it's got a bit kind of predictable your sex life what you can do is the next time you're getting sucked off pull out come in Ryan then kick her in the shin pirate [Applause] I saw a homeless guy getting off the bus I thought how does he know it's his stop there's a guy near me sells the big issue who always goes it's my last one come on if you buy this and go home I've got the point of this at all I'm not in favor of ID cards for the very simple reason I don't know how we're going to pick them up at the post office hello I've come from my ID card have you got any ID I was in the airport those treadmills they've got are huge they're much better than the ones in the supermarket I get very self-conscious I got talking the other day about professional wrestling and we were talking about the item of clothing they wear in professional wrestling which is an all-in-one leotard called a unitard I thought unitard that sounds like a special needs kid with a horn thank you [Music] not hard potentially very dangerous because they're always trying to come in for a hug they might take your eye out well that's almost the end of the show I I had a girl come up to me after a show a couple of weeks ago at the stage door she waited for me she looked me boldly in the eyes and said I'm not wearing any panties I thought all right forgetful I haven't watched my [ __ ] what a pair I was walking between the stage door and the car this about six months ago and there was a girl as I was walking I saw her between two cars pissing I double took on the second take I made eye contact which is awkward and she said midflow can I have an autograph I thought if you've got any paper you need it and then you know what I did I waited enjoy the show yeah a bit of a shake nice oh it's not the worst thing that's happened after a gig I had a guy come up to me this was in Edinburgh and he was he was miles away it was about like 100 meters away and I just heard this voice thick Scottish accent saying send my penis and I thought that's weird it sounds like that bloke said sign my penis freaky and then as he got closer it transpired that Not only was he saying saying my penis he had the little fella out what do you say I said I could initial it for you one of my favorite things to do on a busy Saturday afternoon yeah is you know the animal rights people you get in the middle of town they've got a trestle table out just sort of outside the shops and they've got quite grisly posters up of animals in distress if you're an animal lover it is heartbreaking to see and they've got the leaflets and the petitions that you can sign and they've got four main posters wherever you go in the country there's there's an emaciated dog in a tiny cage a cat that's been shaved with wires coming out of it a monkey missing the top of its head and you can tell it's still alive from its eyes but obviously in horrible pain in a rabbit with stuff being poured in its eyes to test whether it's safe for us I'm guessing what I like to do if I'm bored on a Saturday afternoon I walk up to that table and go I love the one of the monkey please foreign [Applause] last joke surely the best thing about getting a face transplant it's good setup isn't it it's exciting what comes next punchline surely the best thing about getting a face transplant will be turning up at the donor's funeral and going whoa [Music] [Applause] well look you've been a lovely audience thank you so much for coming out this evening and sharing your your evening with me I really do appreciate it and it's my favorite thing about what I do I love playing live and doing gigs around the country and it's it's an honor and a privilege and I realize that even in saying that I sound a bit middle class and insincere I realize when I say you've been a great audience thank you so much for coming out it sounds like but genuinely it's a it's a wonderful thing it's a privilege it's my favorite thing about my job and such an important part of my life I absolutely love it so let me try and put that in a way that cuts through the Showbiz [ __ ] thank you very much indeed for all the money thank you [Applause] [Music] any other last problems anyone else got anything going on your dog just died and what's once and well that's very sad so what what's specifically what's the problem do you not live near a canal or [Music] do you suspect your Korean Neighbors what did he dive do you mind me asking that's a brilliant brilliant well we've already got a dead animal and now we've parlayed cancer into this so this is comedy [ __ ] gold I mean I can't see this not making the final cut on the DVD side I cannot see a world where a dog dying of cancer there's one thing I know about the British public jokes they [ __ ] love foreign s for your help it didn't get cancer from a pedophile by any [ __ ] chance said he'll got a slightly less depressing problem foreign

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 226,807

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, off the kerb, open mike, live at the apollo, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, british comedy, uk comedy

Id: 5WPJaZBuEeM

Length: 93min 28sec (5608 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 29 2023