Jimmy Carr VS Hecklers | Stand Up Heckle Compilation | Jokes On Us

well ladies and gentlemen this is what I do for a living I think of little jokes in my head and then I tell them to you so that you'll like me it sounds a bit tragic when I said well you can [ __ ] off this is as good as it ever [ __ ] goes I don't come to your work and not the sailors [ __ ] out your mouth do I where are you it's not working man give us a wave what do you do sir you do telecoms what what do you do do you I do you I do you telephone what sorry you build them the network ironically working Communications Ken Harvey string a [ __ ] sentence together that's the most annoying Heckle that I get at gigs I like him when people join in I like a bit of a Heckle a bit of fun but the most annoying one I get is one I've set up a joke just about to do the punchline and someone goes it's all invariably it's the same thing it's always where's Ellen where's Ellen stop my life bet Noir it's just a bit annoying where's Ellen [Applause] your house [ __ ] your dad [Applause] I think we all knew including him I think we all knew that was a trap I could feel you as one going hold hold and then one brave soul over there said no I'm taking one for the team rather your daddy's well that brings me very neatly onto the next bit of material who here's got kids [Applause] what sorry why do you mean what what is this you chipped in with something you said go on Jimmy all right ironically slowing things down you often do that just stop people in the street and go oh my your day I was just I just thought you just tell you to continue when's the comedy on foreign really what's your name sir what's your name David what's your favorite color David blue okay seems like the fairest way to deal with you David there are so many things I could say number between one and eight David six okay and you said to me when's the comedy on it says if you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth [Music] these things don't lie David these things don't lie I'm kidding she swallowed the lot was I bullied at school all no well Tony but I am a [ __ ] [ __ ] [Applause] we're all having fun I'll just open this can of whoop ass pop that there remarkably uh confident for a man in some sort of hooded chop what do you do for a living Serge you might be asking you're a student what are you studying you're still in secondary school in Ireland and what do you want to be when you grow up what Johnny lawyer you want to be a lawyer so you know you're a [ __ ] you're going down that road and who you're here with this evening you're alone [Applause] so so far we know you're alone and you're a bit of a [ __ ] I'm liking you frankly what's your name sir Chris hi Chris you're all right and have you just come over for the show or even over the weekend just come home for the show well God bless you Chris feel free to join in anytime you want the more aggressive the better Frankie I quite like it oh well sorry tosser right just around just toss up yeah you know you're in [ __ ] class go don't you wear someone paid you 22.50 to tell you to [ __ ] off so why don't we have a Heckle amnesty a little two three minutes where you can just fill your boots if you've got something abusive to shout have you actually got Tourette's that was fun so quick can't [ __ ] bum and [ __ ] bomb that's such a weird thing to shout out the rudest words you know [ __ ] any other heckles well sorry Peter K was sold out so you had to come here foreign I bet he wouldn't have called you a [ __ ] unfortunately I'm not Peter k Ane my girlfriend well maybe we could double teamer my girlfriend is your ultimate sexual fantasy yes people see my girlfriend and they see me and they say she's only going out with you because you're famous and I say but I am famous what's your point is that your girlfriend that's your girlfriend I'm not going to swap if that's okay [Applause] can I just clarify you are a beautiful lady no disrespect to you but he heckled I had to put him down and the only way to get to him was through you I like the way as well I suggest your girlfriend wasn't good looking up and you applaud it yeah you'll be using those hands later on won't you have anyone here been to Alton Towers what do you think do you enjoy it I enjoyed it yeah it's great [ __ ] go on who's that was you do you have a [ __ ] time my God tell me more sorry the best thing about Alton towels was we robbed a fruit machine that is an amazing sentence sorry sir your time as the Gypsy this evening is now it's now over that is forget it forget it you have been out shaft well you went to Alton towns and your complaint was not enough to Nick the way you're using now an expression of yeah you Robert you see a free machine you rob a free machine come on we're friends we all come on you know I'm a guy you're a guy we steal things from fruit machines oh what's your name sir thank you thank you Daniel well nice to meet you Daniel what do you do unless you're the cleaner they've made a massive error of judgment so how long have you been casing this joint about a year and when's the big job do I get paid extra if this ends up on crime watch [Applause] why do I laugh like a sexual predator I like the way that the sexual predator sounds better in your accent than any other a sexual predator I I don't know why I laughed like that it's one of life's mysteries in the same way as why are you dressed as a gay lumberjack we may never know we like big thick logs how big is my [ __ ] well I'm not sure whether your mother would be comfortable discussing it but it's foreign speaking of which did you all see that heartbreaking story in the Mirror newspaper last year they ran a campaign [Music] are you showing off to the other children are you pretending you can read by heartbreaking story do you mean the tits on page three what sorry I'm fine for fruit and veg thank you I presume that's what he's talking about nicely you're here though it's a night off for someone isn't it [Music] wow [Applause] [Music] yes I think if I'm not mistaken that's one of wittenstein's theorems um you'd suck off his mum he's done you he has done you [Applause] I I I'm not from Perth so I may never have to make that decision [ __ ] you know you sound like you come from a very broken home I'm not suggesting you [ __ ] your mum but only because you wouldn't want to two-time your sister I like reverse cowgirl but you know I'm old-fashioned that way uh what what's yours sir various I think I can yeah I imagine well it's either that all that yeah maybe about that who knows what hotel ah well it's quite a posh one so it'll have to be your place I don't think they'll let you in they've got a policy on that sort of thing and even though I'm not paying you it looks like I am foreign how old yeah [ __ ] Grandma we're in a hurry how lazy is that how old not how old are you or would you mind telling us how old you are how old [Applause] well well have a guess how old do you think I am you think I'm 12 well you shouldn't even be having those kind of thoughts about me then why do I look like Hitler 999 who said that any others what Johnny I've got I've got a big nose what are you [ __ ] [ __ ] at I mean I literally don't have a big nose that's a weird that's like an insult you've heard someone else use you're gone I've got a big [ __ ] laugh that's gonna work best with the comic with a big nose what's your name sir Thomas what'd you do Thomas you're a student what are you studying mathematics are you at school Thomas I don't know if we should continue this any further because it's starting to feel like grooming are you at school yeah let's go you got a big nose I haven't any other heckles oh what was that that sounded good going what was that what was it I'm a pedophile I was just [ __ ] chatting to him I've done nothing let's have a round of applause for the ladies let's have a round yeah let's have a round of course yeah yeah quite right yeah thank you that's that's probably enough looking around some of them have made no effort foreign [Applause] well there's some cameras and some [ __ ] lights I don't know what you had in mind it's not like I come to your work and not the sailor's [ __ ] out your mouth is it [Applause] [Music] [Applause] seems like a very weird thing from a quite a tough looking man from Glasgow to say I have not made much of an effort I thought you'd be dressed up prithia it's a little bit prison rape coming from you sir that's what it feels like what sorry is that bottles no that's water you've probably heard of it [Applause] who's the most famous person I've ever met well I once matter uh the um it's quite an impressive one I don't want to show off but you know you know you know no you know how villagers have got idiots yeah I met the idiot for the whole of Glasgow [Applause] one of the biggest [ __ ] in the world yeah and you married him [Laughter] guys again that will only happen in Glasgow you call someone a [ __ ] and their wife goes yep sex is always better in hotels have you noticed that ladies and gentlemen sex is always bear in hotels why is that is it because it's with a hooker because you don't have to walk to me because you don't have to clean the sheets how are you [ __ ] her that there's a hole maybe later oh I see a little bit of the bum sex going on I always think you know you're doing something bad sexually bad in a good way when you think we better put a towel down before that happens so you think you always know we're doing something a bit experimental yeah we better just cover that first because yeah I've never done this before it could end badly I don't even know if you're going to make it through but good luck love well sorry Posh prick Posh prick seems a bit harsh what's uh what's your name sir miles miles and you think I might be a bit Posh all right miles what's your favorite color blue seems like the fairest way to deal with this b-l-u-e number between one and eight miles four oh it says if you've come as a [ __ ] You've Won pretty good news interesting little fact for you obsessive Star Trek fans are known as virgins I don't like it when the tabloids are homophobic because that's such an important part of our culture the tabloids when they get it wrong it sends a very bad message do you remember last year when they outed a footballer which is a terrible thing to do anyway they outed this footballer and in the course of the article were they outed this guy's a homosexual they described consensual oral sex between two adults yeah so Two Fellas sucking each other off they describe that as a prank [Music] how demeaning to homosexuals is that to have that act of lovemaking described as a prank and it also doesn't work from the other point of view because I like to think of myself as something of a prankster I don't think I've ever said gotcha don't forget the balls bless you you really do care what about you from sir you're from New York what are you doing over here do you mind me asking if you do something you moved here for work what sort of work do you do I mean I'm not suggesting I need to see your papers but what are you bringing to the party Finance on it I can't really think what that is that cash points looking at atns it's our language you [ __ ] ruined it oh yeah next time you have a fight with someone stop getting us involved [Music] you're getting blamed for everything go on you can in German sorry if it wasn't for you we'd be speaking German how little do you know about our language abilities [Applause] who the [ __ ] has a side parting you're gonna kick yourself when I tell you me bestiality [Applause] yeah quite easy easy let's just think this through because bestiality a lot of people just write off as a terrible thing let's look at both sides let's say you [ __ ] a cow and that could happen you sound like a Nutter no let's imagine you [ __ ] kill you haven't actually harmed the cow cows are [ __ ] enormous you're not going to trouble it with your tiny [ __ ] but but you know but you've probably just stressed the animal Daisy's probably thinking what the [ __ ] is he up to on the upside though you've had a whale of a time and if you have a baby with a cow it'll be a minor tour [Music] it's like Bully from bullseye just putting into terms he'll understand yes dad what is the worst gift you've ever got birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine's what is the worst piece of [ __ ] you ever got um we've had a Heckle what was that a little bit louder what's fine what's your name what what sorry Toby Toby do you mind me sharing with the group thank you very much Utopia that makes it much easier because there's a Heckle quite a good Hackle quite a funny Hackle but we have to do a Heckle put down now God I would love if I could just let it go but I can't There are rules but you don't mind me sharing with a group so it makes it much easier we can go old school what sorry stop stalling Don't Panic sir I've got this I'll have to put you on [ __ ] waiting [Applause] Toby's mum is so fat she's a [ __ ] disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey bubble slob um batty blubber not stairs I thought EastEnders had finished true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what's your name are you trying to say Gary watch me Gary yeah yeah the [ __ ] is that well Gary if you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth [Applause] foreign

Channel: Jokes On Us

Views: 690,181

Keywords: comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, comedian, stand up comedian, new comedy, best of, full comedy show, comedy compilation, universal comedy, comedy central, off the kerb, open mike, live at the apollo, mock the week, stand up show, comedy show, british comedy, uk comedy, jimmy carr, heckle, roast, jimmy carr roast, heckler, audience, live comedy show, improv comedy, angry audience

Id: Ujh63Kti948

Length: 24min 18sec (1458 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 30 2023