Jimmy Carr Jokes to Prepare You For Natural Born Killer | Jimmy Carr

I don't want to sound callous or unkind or cruel but the children of Courage Awards how much courage does it take to get poorly all I'm saying is maybe we could just change the name to the children of horrible Misfortune that way we could include ugly children as well if anyone sitting there thinking I really didn't like that joke I don't like the subject matter I didn't think it was very funny imagine how it went down at the Great on the street G well comedy has been pretty good to me over the last couple of years I've had a really sort of good run it and I wanted to give something back and what I thought I'd do is try and sort of put some do some gorilla comedy put some comedy in places where you don't normally find it obviously you all you know come out to a comedy show this evening and people watching a comedy DVD tend to be in quite a good mood already but what about the people that aren't having a good day what about the people I don't know you know reading the small ads I mean you can't be having a good time if you're reading small L you're either buying something secondhand or you're filling in a personal and let's face it if you're summing up your personality in 30 words or less it basically means you don't have a good one so what I thought I'd do is put some you know I've got a credit card I've got quite good phone manner I'll play some small ads maybe cheer some people up along the way would you like to see them of course you [ __ ] would this is the first one that I placed I put it in the uh in the personals it's um incurable romantic seeks filthy h this next one sort of the basis for all small ads in my opinion in the personals good-look athletic Notting Hill based movie star millionaire seeks gullible stunner now the business opportunity section of uh of papers I I travel up and down the country doing lots of standup gigs and I always sort of read the local paper it's normally you know quite good fun the business opportunity section useless for me unless you want to buy a cafe in Sol health no good so I thought I'd try and brighten up with an ad I placed this small minority wanted to spoil it for the rest of us there's always one is a you now the announcement section in a local paper should be an interesting thing but it's not it's births marriages and deaths but of course if you know if you know the person you know involved in either being born or getting married or dying you sort of know you don't need to read it in the paper so a bit pointless although my nan used to collect anything to do with our family or friends she used to collect all the little personals from the local paper and put them in a shoe box she collected them all for like 50 years and then she died and we po them in the bin that's not a joke that's just what happens anyway I thought I'd try and you know cheer up the announcement section of the paper I went with this ad Amanda I'm running a bit late we'll be there in about an hour how far apart of the contractions this next one is well it's just plain odd but I ended up putting it in public in legal notices but only because I was out of ideas as to way to put it Nemesis wanted I'm 5' 10 into kayaking books and conversation by day Justice honor and Vengeance By Night seeking enemy possibly Crim Lord or deform Megamania I'd like to get to know you all as an audience but it's difficult to get to know a lot of people in one go there's only one of me that's loads of you what I've devised is a method moral dilemmas these are questions to which there is no absolute wrong or right answer just your opinion tells me something about who you are as individuals and who you are as a group so if everyone joins in this works so everyone say yes yes everyone say no no everyone say I can think for myself I can think for myself oh okay right let's do a warmup first this doesn't count towards your final score just a warm up just to get you into the spirit of things but if everyone could answer straight away that would be great is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas that's about a 90% yes I would say this evening You' thought yeah [ __ ] it someone go no no all right don't worry it's not going to happen that's not the finale of the show although I wish I thought that that'd be [ __ ] brilliant the best response I've had to that recently I said is it acceptable to kill a whale in order to save two pandas and someone went let them fight it out between themselves now for better for worse this is the question I use to judge an audience to judge individuals if you could all answer that would be great would you [ __ ] your dad to save your mom I don't know why you're looking to upset it's easier for girls he's ugly he's ugly imagine that being a factor imagine thinking yeah I would [ __ ] my dad but he's not a looker he's let himself go maybe 5 years ago would you sir he's there oh hi so do you mind me asking is your mom here as well oh brilliant well we can actually do a proper test now I've got snipers all the way around this building and they're pointing a gun at your mother yeah we're going to kill her your mom's been taken hostage he's going to be killed we would like you to bum your dad um well it's difficult yeah of course it's difficult I'm not saying you wouldn't be thumbing in a softy that's fine I say let her die you say let her die sorry hang on you're we're not in norol what are you booing you're booing a man saying I wouldn't bum my dad just take a moment to think about that all right so you've made your decision listen to Jimmy it's all right it's all right Mom it's all right Mom is that is that your daughter there yeah same question to you oh I love my job at what point did you think as a family this would be a good show to go and see never mind that Lion King [ __ ] let's bring the kids out to see a proper show where we openly discuss incest the best response I've had to that someone went not again [Applause] I bought one of those round the world air tickets £1,200 amazing value 37 hours later I Rob back he throw a lot of people say Modern Art is pretentious but I look at it like this boxers boxers don't have sex before a fight do you know what that is they don't fancy each other if you eat a lot of spicy food you can damage your sense of taste when I was in India last year I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton every year in this country thousands of dogs are needlessly and pointlessly destroyed every night hundreds of homeless people go hungry all I'm saying is it wouldn't happen in Korea I would like to take this opportunity to recommend Korean food to each and every one of you their Cuisine is delicious their Delicacies they're the dog's bollocks on holiday I went walking in the Lakes it's called swimming and while I was there I met a very beautiful girl and I fell in love but she was going out with a friend of mine so I had to hide the way I felt that's not easy wearing speedos men men tend to fall asleep directly after s all I'm saying is maybe for women put a bit more into it sorry that's not meant to be misogynistic in any I was reading in tits and ass magazine very interesting and informative article about the difficulties of asking your partner for anal sex it was entitled what if she takes it the wrong way sorry I can see you're shifting uncomfortably there I didn't need to I didn't mean to offend you I'm sure whatever you decide about anal sex I'm sure he'll be right behind you it's easier to get forgiveness than permission just so I'd slip that in mother always said if you haven't got anything nice to say [ __ ] off I read an interview with Margaret thater a couple of years ago and then she was talking about her funeral she said I don't want my funeral to be a morbid Affair I want it to be a celebration I thought well you won't be disappointed love my sister had a baby I want to see her she said you want to wind him I said I give him a dead leg shall I cats have got nine lives which makes them ideal for experimentation a dog is for life not just for Christmas so do be careful at the office party watching sex on telly with Mom and Dad that's embarrassing I didn't even know they know use the camcorder a very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time want to cook one to clean easy there I'm joking they want to [ __ ] them question Y come on why are so ugly how can you make them prettier why are what so ugly Willies why a Willies so ugly because you're a lesbian [Applause] that's why I have terrible period pains every six weeks I suffer appalling mood swings and for the first couple of days I can hardly move with a pain what do you recommend they said hot water bottle bed rest and chocolate I've gone for the rather more old school have you considered building a shed in your garden where you can hide your shame this is a great letter I've fallen from my lodger we get on incredibly well and have started sleeping together I'd like to take the relationship to the next level but I still need the rent I've got as far as saying well you've gone from boarding house to brothel any other last problems anyone else got anything going on I'm going B you're going so I can see you and I think it may have happened I don't think there's there's any in needed uh but that's nothing to be ashamed of is it going bold there's not many B people here no I mean my audience are quite cool but you know occasionally one of you guys gets in and you do you know why men go Bal it's quite interesting I read an article in New Scientist magazine apparently men go ball because of too much male hormone so my advice to you is to stop swallowing yo go on yeah your mom keeps calling you asking for sex my dead mom keeps on calling you at least twice right she's barking up the wrong tree with you isn't she she is you're up for it well that's lovely to hear not deterred by finding out she's dead he's gone yeah I'll still do her yeah is I mean that see that would seem like a rude thing to shout out your mom's up for it but I don't mind at all because I was warned that he was going to be here this evening I knew you were G to be here because I was actually warned by your mom no seriously she did she warned me she said she say she said my voice going to be your show he's a wrong and he'll probably sh something out what I comes at least I think she was talking to me I wasn't the only one [Music] there and she had a mouthful go on have another go I do this for a livion I love it any other problems we all fine well final couple of these I met a man who's wonderful and we love each other very much however I recently found in his cup a homemade dildo made made out of cardboard wrapped in cellophane do you think he's gay I've said but it looks bad but on the bright side he's recycling last one for the past two years I've suspected that my dad is having an affair with the next door neighbor should I confront him about it I said no don't confront him first off look for Clues do the next door neighbor's kids look like you have you been told not to [ __ ] them is there a hole in the garden fence are you sure SL leave a trail like that thanks very much my girlfriend bought a t-shirt for £80 that's a ridiculous amount to spend on a t-shirt am I right it said d& g on the front I suppose fair enough one of her tits is bigger than the other I thought my girlfriend was a slag when she told me I was a 30second lover and then I realized she was talking about time there is a minimum comprehension level you may be asked to leave my ideal woman would be a single mom once I'd finish with her it's a joke I pay for the abortion I got you again I [ __ ] wouldn't let's talk about something a little bit more serious it can't all be slapstick abortion stuff um let's do from all the heterosexual men in the room give us a shout all the heterosexual men I'm guessing from that expression I can't remember which one heterosexual is I'm not taking a chance maybe this is how they recruit them the most annoying thing my sister does is that show Chatty Man that's the most annoying Heckle that I get at gigs I like it when people join in I like a bit of a heckle bit fun but the most annoying one I get is when I've set up a joke just about to do the punch line and someone goes it's invariably it's the same thing always where's alen where's alen it's not my like bet Noir it's just a bit annoying where's Ellen's Ellen who's at your house [ __ ] your [Applause] dad I think we all knew including him I think we all knew that was a trap I could feel you as one going hold hold hold and then one brave soul over there said no I'm taking one for the team rather your daddies of course not all gay people are happy camp and fun some of them are lesbians if you're a lesbian and you didn't find that funny you're surprising no one are there any lesbians in no my gayar is pretty much honed in on this this pair down there hello how are you two you all right are you I presume you're a couple married you're married congratulations fabulous how long you be married it's October since October my God it's new and fresh have you even finished consummating the relationship no you don't know when you finished do you that's one of the problems with your lifestyle Choice we'll just put that on hold we'll be back in a minute well so you're married you're committed to each other well it's maybe a crazy question to ask you because you're in this long-term relationship and you love each other but what would it take to get you back on solids she's a definite no and you're a maybe okay good oh I love my job I tell you I'm going to do a test and see whether we've got any other sisters in in the room see if there's any other lesbian sisters like I'm a lesbian I've got the haircut come on I'm going to test the heterosexuality of the other ladies in the room just a simple question to test this ladies have you read 50 Shades of Gray you've all read that book you love that book I would describe 50 Shades of Gray as the ultimate flick book it was the best selling book last year what's the world coming to it was the bestselling book last last year I can prove it last year wetest on record I think it's a very interesting book because although it's not a great piece of literature it's more gusset typing it's interesting because it's pornography for ladies that's what it is right and and men that book is in our houses isn't it 50 shows of grand is in our house and we've not even picked it up we're not looking at your pornography ladies we're not interested in your kind of pornography we're very happy with the service Broadband is providing ladies consume pornography in a very different way to men the genders are very different in our consumption of pornography here's a fact gentlemen that will blow your minds about women's consumption of pornography women watch porn films to the end you know why to see if they get married we should probably do a little Heckle amnesty I quite like it when people join in and heck you know the rules of heckling right you could join in nothing no no physical uh contact you can only use your mouth just like your mom when she's having a flare up any heckles anyone care to what you done to your hair what have I done to my hair I've redistributed I had too much hair on the back of my head and not enough up here the glare would have taken your [ __ ] eyes out so it's for you that I've done this I think I've gone from having Lego hair to having Playmobile man hair they say you can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter can't you I say you can joke about anything but not with anyone I think with you good people this evening I should be fine right well let's see shall we we'll put that to the test having sex is like riding a bike my uncle taught me when I was a kid I met a girl in the audience recently with a weird job so I was chatting away to people in the audience and this this guy said what you do she said I work in marketing I went well what exactly she went I'm head of marketing for a prosthetic limbs company now I'd never met an arms dealer before I could do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation would you like to see it okay I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret come on up yeah what are you get up for but wait a second this is a teachable moment if a grown man beckons you forth as he undoes his flies this is some stranger danger son what's your name Mikey Mikey that let's hear it from Mikey everyone that that because you know why that is commitment to a night out at a comedy show there's a young man that's just thought to himself oh it's the bit of the show where I suck his cup great S I was at a doctor's about two years ago now he said I'm going to need a sperm sample I said no problem at all he said would you like help from an attractive Russian nurse I went yeah sending the attractive Russian nurse this gorgeous could have been a model Russian nurse walked in called Vlad big bloke he got me so Vlad walks in and goes would you like to masturbate in the cup I said I'm good but I'm not ready for competition yet and then Vlad takes me off to they've got a room set up in the doctor's office specifically for the purpose of collecting sperm samples I don't know what they call the room the the wank bank or no be something medical something Latin sounding I don't know the uh the masturbatorium it's not half bad is it Master borium sounds like something from Harry Potter that's the master borium Harry for the expell Arash so sorry I got you again there so they've got everything you need for the matter in hand quite literally in this room they've got a lock on the door that's important they've got seat they've got a bench they got a Lio they got a sink and they give you when you're giving a sperm sample in a doctor's office they give you porn hardcore porn quite a lot of R stuff not really to my taste but whatever I'll work with it I'm a trooper so I'm in there and I'm doing what a man needs to do to produce a sperm sample and I'm just about to complete the mission I'm on what's referred to as the Vinegar Strokes when I notice out the corner of my eye there's another drawer with porn for straight men pedophiles get a bad rap but if it wasn't for pedopiles I wouldn't be able to light a fire put up a tent or keep a secret people say the best things in life are free but those people have clearly never had sex don't be you your suit don't fit you well who does it [ __ ] fit I mean well so I bought it from a kid shop I don't know how to explain this to you I'm not that small I'm just far away as a kid for five years I was in the church choir now I can't sing that well but boy can I suck a [ __ ] my friend said to me what rhymes with orange I said no it doesn't when you're young pedophiles are something to laugh at the local creep but then you grow up and you have your own kids with their own unique personalities and quirks and difficulties and it suddenly hits you what the [ __ ] do these pedos see in these little [Applause] shits is anyone here in a controlling relationship raise your partner hand scientists say the largest sexual organ in the body is actually the mind but that's only because those scientists haven't seen Charlie's mom's Fanny I'd like to take a moment to thank Charlie's mom for letting us use it this evening It's a Wonderful space no no I go on very well with your mom I never forget what your mom said to me let go of my ears I know what I'm doing I'm not being dis respectful I I gone very well with his mom I made his mom come I remember clearly because she dropped her chips you're going to be able to tell your grandchildren about seeing this show yeah you'll say I saw a man and he stood on stage and he made light of serious situations we used to call them jokes and people would laugh and your grandchildren will ask they'll say non-binary Elder non-binary Elder what's a joke and you'll say you are my girlfriend shouts daddy in the bedroom which I think is a bit rude daddy cuz I mean there's three of us here not just you and your dad I've been described London as a sex symbol and that symbol is a question mark followed by a no everyone is shaving their [ __ ] mainly women everyone is shaving their [ __ ] and hipsters the hipsters these days have beards so Society has the same amount of hair just on different [ __ ] do you remember the incident in the '90s with Michael Jackson where he was on tour in Germany he had the toll top floor of a hotel and and he had the baby and he held the baby over the balcony and he shook the baby crazy you can't get come off a baby like that [Applause] somewhat ironically that has really separated the men from the boys doesn't it Hotel sex is better than sex at home isn't it you make noise you can make mess your wife's not there better I don't like it when people tell me their kid is adopted what difference does it make it's your kid whether it's biologically yours or a rescue I want one direct to do a BTS covers Medley at my funeral because that way I'll be glad I'm dead my father died really what was it the Big C cancer no he drowned talking to a North African girl in her native language for hours we just clicked [ __ ] anthropology jokes I've got it all my girlfriend sometimes called at her Fufu which I think is a bit juvenile I'll be honest with you it makes Mr dingle dangle not want to do the Humpty Hump I used to date this incredible looking woman just beautiful I mean we're still together but she's let herself go there're an ugly woman at the back going boo what sorry rude rude so sorry when I said there's an ugly woman at the back you went he's talking to me yeah yeah yeah rude I mean see self-esteem there's nothing I can do about your self-esteem why they call it self-esteem what's what's your name Madam Kelly Kelly I'm going to go soft on you like every man that's ever seen you naked [Applause] no I'm just saying Kelly you're what dimmer switches were invented for for I'm say you ever wonder why there's always a dimmer switch in a in a bedroom that now have we got anyone in from around the country is there anyone in from the north oh quite a few of you I ask you what's the point in having a north south divide if you're not going to Poli it it is a peculiarity of the United Kingdom that people from Liverpool tend to think people from Manchester are a bunch of [ __ ] and vice versa people from Manchester think people from Liverpool are a bunch of [ __ ] when will they realize sorry I should I should apologize really because I've used the c word rather a lot so far this evening and uh I know a lot of lot of people especially the ladies let's be honest find that a little bit offensive there is of course an alternative to gunt I don't me up the ass now are you all familiar with the phrase see you next Tuesday see you know it's the polite English way of saying the sew so was not to cause too much offense although ironically I can't think of too many situations well you want to call someone a [ __ ] you don't want to offend them sort what I like about it I'll have a bit of a sit down I think oh you all right was this the sort of thing you had in mind no right okay I'm [ __ ] who's come the furthest has anyone come from like a long way away overseas cany island is the furthest anyone came well [ __ ] you you were all in the area anyway were you what's that was that do but you were castrated before you got chance to right were you worried about sounding silly so you thought well I'll put on a ludicrous high pitch voice that should sort things out shouldn't it so you're a sailor are you imagine my surprise that your high pitched voice bad things come in threes good example of that is Atomic Kitten Every Time I Think of atomic kit actually I'm slightly sadden because I think well somewhere somewhere in the Northeast there's a supermarket three checkup girls short I wrote that joke for a thing called worst Britains where I had to write jokes about lots of celebrities it was a program that we put on channel 4 I wrote this as well if it's of any interest to you I went to a car boot sale the other week I found this old brown bent leathery tool turned out to be David Dickinson now I don't know if anyone's seen any of the other TV shows that I made I make a show called distraction at the moment has anyone seen that oh just about every and one person liked it well that's good if I can entertain just one man I'll have been [ __ ] the distractions are quite good it's it's Channel Force replacement to Sex in the City just imagine the city is dundy and the sex is anal you get the idea I I do another show called your face or mine has everyone seen that it's it's quite good fun I think it's a fun show it's as shallow as a tinker as barath no offense I didn't mean but you know it's it's quite a fun show it's it's basically about couples it's about looks in relationships who who here thinks looks are important in a relationship quite quite a few of you being honest this evening I sort of sit on the fence on that one our looks important in a relationship you don't look at the fireplace when you poking the fire do you but you do when it's sucking you off so when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist he was a pedophile I suppose that begs the question how many fillings did he give me I believe each and every child should be given a chance and that's why if they can guess the number I'm thinking of I let them go is anyone in from around the country you from London where are you from where about you from Sir Doncaster you're From Doncaster and you're down here just for the lights you'll be back and telling people oh I was inside it was like a cave but it was like daytime at night couldn't make head and a tail candles candles yes they're like candles well done you it's lovely to have you mark off back New Zealand New Zealand how's it going over there is it all right it is not bad you still having that problem with sarahan in his orc Army I know hello sorry did you just go hello at the end where are you from Madam dford dford you sound like a man where are you from Madam darford hello howo sorry that's it's like a horrible racist joke from the 70s howo howo to you what sorry you're from 7 Oaks but you said hello that wasn't me that wasn't you why are you talking then I don't understand who said that not me I'm from 7even o what do you do Madam I'm a student you're a student and what are you studying drama drama really you know I always say the same thing whenever I meet a drama student an aspiring actress or an actor I always say the same thing to any aspiring actor or actress I meet I always say I'll have a coffee please I was in Newcastle recently I was in the back of a cab in Newcastle and the cab driver said to me there's no red light district in Newcastle cuz that's how they talk if you're in Newcastle for the weekend it's most disconcerting because you find yourself thinking is everyone trying to start a sing song and I just don't know the words there's noed Light District in Newcastle I hadn't asked incidentally I hadn't got in the back of a cab in Newcastle and said take me to the prostitutes my good man no just appropo of nothing this BL went to me there's no red light dist Street in Newcastle no I didn't say anything cuz he quite a big tough Jordi bloke but I did think to myself I'll tell you why no need have you been to Newcastle two bardi breezes and the deal is done it's the kind of town where if you've got money enough for chips guess what great news you're not going home on your own there was a nice little smile there just as if to say I tell you what I like chips and [ __ ] good on you well ladies and gentlemen this is what I do for a living I think of little jokes in my head and then I tell them to you so that you'll like me sounds a bit tragic when I say what was that it's not working well you can [ __ ] off this is as good as it ever [ __ ] goes I don't come to your work and knock the sailor's [ __ ] out of your mouth do I where are you it's not working man give us a wave what did you do sir Tel you you do telecoms what do you do do you I do you I do you I do you telephone what sorry you build them the network ironically you work in Communications and can hardly can hardly string a [ __ ] sentence together Jesus well broadly speaking as I say this is what I do for a living sometimes it doesn't quite work out cuz sometimes I'll have an idea for a joke and then I'll sort of look at it in the morning and go you know if I've scribbled it down on a bit of paper at 4 in the morning I'll look at it in the morning and go well sort of half a joke but it's not the funny half sort of a bit more a bit more you know challenging it's a bit more teric and oblique means difficult to understand so I thought we might go through some of these right um I've got visual aids I realize it sounds bad when I say it like that I don't mean I was walking through a park and I saw two homosexual men having sex and a bit must have gotten my eye and now I've got all ad eyes I don't mean that I mean I've got some pictures to help these are slightly more challenging bear with me I'm writing a diet book it's called put that down fatty pedophilia is wrong it's pedophilia of course the main cause of pedophilia good-looking kids could you blame him I was adorable do you real realize if you put your teeth in Coca-Cola overnight you'll drown people actually believe Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon [ __ ] it was Mr teshi a gardener from Nagasaki was standing next to where the bomb landed too soon they say it's bad luck to put up an umbrella indoors but I think if it's raining indoors you've already had your bad luck the problem with unidentified flying objects UFOs is if they identify them they're just flying objects fos and then if they land it's just no I saw an O lofs Lofts are magical places where it's always Christmas it only happens once a year but when I collect the Christmas tree in the car it looks like I've overdone it on the air freshen if we are going to put an end to Global poverty now is the time to stock up on trainers I'm joking we're not going to put an end to Global poverty I was at a party I was chatting to a guy he said what did your girlfriend do I said anything but anal I'm I'm joking she loves it I'm in a long-term relationship but I'm not married is anyone else in that situation quite a few but you're timid about saying because like me you'll know if you're in a long-term relationship but not married everyone friends family colleagues acquaintances everyone feels they can stir it up a bit as soon as anyone hears they go have you thought about you two have you thought about trying to start an argument between us I think it's very rude so whenever anyone says to me if you thought about po po I always go what putting a third finger in I could give it a go I'm not sure it's what the relationship is missing maybe try the Shocker two in the pink one in the stink that's how that works sorry too much two in the goo one in the Poo there nicer for everyone I don't know what conversation that prompted there I imagine that was you madam turning to him thinking I'm glad it's not just you had a woman come up to me after a show in tumbridge Welles she said I found that shocker thing very uncomfortable now I knew what she meant but I couldn't help myself I said lubricant I tried some Viagra recently is anyone else trying tried it yes you well I admire your honesty there sir I tried it cuz you can now get over the count of Viagra although that sounds powerful over the counter you say like a [ __ ] Kos did you read the instructions when you tried it sir uh I didn't you didn't I did I take these kind of things seriously because it's a medication even though it's a fun medication it's a medication nonetheless I was reading on the instructions for VRA it says keep away from children I what kind of a man do they think I am that can't maintain an erection with a child by the fact a child has applauded that very loudly see that there's a child in a green t-shirt you are a child I'm telling going yes finally someone that can get hard with me you [ __ ] maniac how old are you sir do you mind me asking I'm 14 you're 14 right I can't talk to you any longer it would be grooming and are you here with your mom I'll be checking in with you in a bit well that brings me very neatly on to the next bit of material who here's got kids kind of was that what sorry all right Jimmy what what what was that you chipped in with something on Jimmy you said go on Jimmy yes all right ironically slowing things down you often do that just stop people in the street and go you you day I just I just sto to tell you to continue now I don't have kids but I've got lots of friends that have got kids they're five and six years of age I'll go around to the house I get introduced they say this is this is Jimmy he's a comedian it's a bit like a clown okay well it [ __ ] isn't and they'll say sh don't swear in front of the kids and then they'll say would you like to hear a joke and the little kid will go yes and I'm expected to perform so I say when I was a kid I was scared of the dentist you would not believe the upset what the pedophile come here I'll show you now I should warn you there will be some audience participation the evening apologies and the only reason I mention it explicitly is because sometimes when I ask someone a direct question they get a bit flustered I think it's CU they used to see me on TV so then when I ask them a direct question they go what the [ __ ] is going on I didn't press the red button it's gone all [ __ ] Interactive I got a guy wonderfully flustered the other day front and center where you're sitting there and out of nowhere I went are you married or single you went single and the girl next to him went he isn't how could you [ __ ] that up there was a lovely little pause he went I think I might be single now oh well who seen me live before gives a shout well you'll know every year my friend Chris does illustrations for me for jokes that I write that I think are a bit esoteric that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed would you like to see them well good otherwise he'd be [ __ ] gutted and we'd be having some quiet time which would be [ __ ] right well I I'll show you some obviously we'll we'll kick off with some thoughts and ideas that I've had recently right so if you like looking at flowers but you can't be asked with gardening simply run down a kid outside your house can't believe you didn't think of it on Bonine night I hope our neighbors keep their pets locked up because there's something about fireworks that makes me really horny I was outside a nightclub recently and I discovered that women can be bouncers if you're traveling fast enough when you mount the pavment the thing I worry about when I hear kids in the third world are working 18 hours a day to make my trainers is when are they going to get a chance to finish my [ __ ] laptop I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me he said you want white or brown toast I said all toast is brown you're thinking of bread at any one time a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 different types of urine on them and that's why they're called peanuts Wayne Rooney wears the number 10 shirt or as he calls it the sticker and the circle my friend reckons football violence and aggressive behavior are triggered by primitive tribal rivalries which are projected onto opposing teams and then expressed through exaggerated displays of loyalty but he's a lying goona [ __ ] so he can suck my [ __ ] [ __ ] all that groaning and grunting in women's tennis it reminds me of sex in that I'm watching it happen on screen whilst masturbating to explain spot fixing in cricket it's what happens when something I don't understand is done by someone I've never heard of in the middle of something I couldn't give a [ __ ] [Music] about spiders used to give me nightmares anyone else yeah so what I've done is I've stopped eating them just before bedtime of course the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you're probably Australian are there any Australians in welcome back I used to be quite religious and I'm fascinated by lots of religious groups there's um there's some brilliant ones there's the um the people that wear the armbands wwjd stands for what would Jesus do and Christians wear them to remind them to be more like Christ in everyday life they sort of see that and oh what would Jesus do in this situation for the most part they're very effective they make people so annoying you want to nail them to a cross my my absolute favorite Christian organization of all time it's called Christians against Teenage pregnancies that's the Everest of hypocrisy isn't it if Jesus taught us nothing else he taught us that The Unwanted babies of teenage moms can turn out all right you look as if you didn't quite understand that do you know who the protagonist is it's Jesus born at Christmas or Easter you must have heard of him he could walk on water well he probably couldn't walk on water his mom probably just exaggerated he was probably very good on ice skates he died for your sins come I said to my girlfriend I said on Saturday how would you like to go go shopping with the girls get yourself some new shoes get your hair done in a different style and then go out for a couple of bottles of chardonay she said that sounds brilliant I said good cuz we're breaking up you know when a man says to you it's not you it's me ladies you know when a man says that it's not you it's me we mean that from the heart that's not [ __ ] that's true it's just a fragment of a longer phrase it's not you it's me that's sending this relationship because I can't stand the [ __ ] sight of you has anyone here been to Alton Towers what do you think do you enjoy it I enjoyed it yeah it's great [ __ ] go on who was that it was you did you have a [ __ ] time it was awful my God tell me more we robbed a fruit machine you sorry the best thing about Alon towns was we robbed a fruit machine that is an amazing sentence well to you went to all town and your complaint was not enough to Nick machine you I love the way you're using now an expression of you rob you see a fruit machine you rob a fruit machine come on we're friends we all come on you know I'm a guy you're a guy we steal things from fruit machines no what's your name Sir Daniel Daniel well nice to meet you Daniel what do you do I work at a Jewelers in [Applause] unless you're the cleaner they've made a massive error of judgment so how long have you been pacing this joint about a year and when's the big job this is great do I get paid extra if this ends up on crime watch well I liked Alon tows I thought it was good I thought you know Al town is good who thought was good yeah yeah it's all it's like a poor man's Disney sort of place you might send a child who's dying of something that isn't that serious course you got asthma we'll have a whip round I'm making no promises brittle bones rittle bones has he been to chesington he'll have to bring his own cap yep the reason I mentioned all towns is they've got a ride that they've been advertising on TV again it's a vertical drop roller coaster correct me if I'm wrong that's a lift um right good any question so far how old what how old how old yeah [ __ ] Gramma we're in a hurry how lazy is that how old not how old are you are would you mind telling us how old how old you are how old [Applause] 28 well well have a guess how old do you think I am 12 you think I'm 12 well you shouldn't even be having those kind of thoughts about me though so what I've done so I've got some jokes for kids I've Rewritten some classic children's jokes you'll know the original shout out if you do what do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo Wally jumper I've gone for a genetic operation that's an insult to both God and man where does the policeman live 999 Avenue 999 let's be Avenue exactly right I've gone from nowhere he's been replaced by an undertrained and poorly equipped Community Support Officer not that I'm having to go at Community Support officers they do valuable work without them how would we know where the nearest Cash Point is one there's one here what a cash point thanks very much are you a Community Support Officer hello how are you you all right and where where's your beat East London East London you're a community support officer in East London you're having a [ __ ] laugh don't go out there without a gun go is it fun is it I imagine it's quite a good job is it it's not bad it's not bad it's all right well well done you there's some jokes about coppers coming up remember they don't apply to you cuz you're not a real one [Applause] why is it difficult to play cards in the jungle cheaters no it's deforestation cheaters are actually endangered so that is quite insensitive sir what you call a donkey with three legs glue just be honest with yourselves if you got a donkey with three legs you're going to take a picture on the camera phone and then melt that [ __ ] down what's brown and sticky ack anal right last one of these what's yellow and dangerous Shar infested custard shark infested custard or the discharge from my [ __ ] I'm joking is probably fine just smells weird I get reviewed quite a lot ladies and gentlemen journalists come along to the show and they write a little piece sometimes I'll look at it and think oh it's very nice and then you look at it again a few days later and think well you could take that in two different ways I'm going to read some review see if you think I'm being paranoid the times said of this show he couldn't be funnier the guardian said there's funny then there's Jimmy car is that a good thing catch him before he gets massive I was doing a gig up in Hull it was the second date on the tour I was doing in Hull and on the front of the theater they wrote in massive letters due to public demand he's back for one night only doesn't that make it sound like the public got together and said there's only so much of this [ __ ] we're going to stand for of course we all say stupid things from time to time I was checking to a friend of mine Peter where at a wedding he was talking about how much he wanted to have children these are his exact words he said we'd love to have kids but infertility runs in my family if you don't get that you should be sterilized my uncle said uh I can't be asked to get me prostate checked that's an almost zen-like stupidity that's so stupid it's almost brilliant it's like those big Matrix signs you get above the motorway do you know the ones the big Matrix signs that say this sign is not in use and you find yourself thinking well hang on if that's true how do I know that it's a very odd thing being famous I get this thing happen now where about once a week someone will come up to me in the street and go I know you from somewhere do we go to school together and I've discovered there's no way to say to another human being no we didn't go to school together but do you own a television without sounding like a total [ __ ] [ __ ] what sorry Buck is that buck no that's water you've probably heard of it who's the most famous person you ever met who's the most famous person person I've ever met well I I once met uh the um it's quite an impressive one I don't want to show off but you know you know you know no you know how Villages have got idiots yeah I met the idiot for the whole of [Applause] Glasgow one of the biggest [ __ ] in the world yeah I married him and you married [Laughter] him guys again that will only happen in Glasgow you call someone a [ __ ] and their wife goes yep oh don't I know [ __ ] hell um yeah I'll record it in glasg go be fine really really the big advantage to being famous as I see it is if I ever get Alzheimer's I'm going to be absolutely fine if I ever forget who I am I'll be fine because as I wander around town for the day people are constantly going oh look Jimmy car oh look Jimmy car oh look Jimmy oh look Jimmy car Jimmy car so if I forget my identity I'll be constantly reminded the downside to that is about 5% of the time people get it wrong and think I'm Alan car so about once a week I'd end up back at the care home sucking off an old fellow no I don't really like it looks let's talk about my looks well could be worse it could have been a pop-up book looking at me you wouldn't think I was voted the fourth sexiest man in Britain and you'd be right I wasn't people often ask how do you get the Jimmy car look well get your mother to drink heavily during pregnancy sorry mate no offense I do look a little like Roger fedra and a lot like Ian Beal's daughter from East endis yeah I wish that wasn't funny I wish that didn't ring true but sadly it does doesn't it it's an odd thing being on TV being on stage in front of all you people it makes you more vain than you should otherwise be I mean I'm a 37y old man I shouldn't be vain at all I realize you can't polish a turd but you can roll it in glitter can't you so you do the best with what you've got and I always trying and make the best of myself you know try and you know dress well and present myself well it only ever leads to embarrassment vanity I remember the first time I did a room this size in London my older brother came to the gig yeah I've always like looked up to my older brother came to the show came backstage afterwards he didn't say anything about the performance he just went are you wearing makeup and to my eternal shame I went no it's Tinted Moisturizer I realize now I couldn't have sounded gar to him with two [ __ ] in my mouth let's talk about my career I've got a terrible boss self-employed I'm currently on sexual harassment charges of course on the other hand you are looking at Employee of the Month how can I explain what it's like you know when you walk past like an electrical goods store and they've got all the TVs in the store hooked up to one camera and you kind of do that weird thing of waving yourself as you walk by and there's an odd moment where you go well I don't want to stop waving cuz I'm still waving that's what channel 4 is like for me I'm like their [ __ ] screen saver and for the moment it's just stand up and TV for me my acting career has has been put on hold and that was a decision taken by you the British public yeah a lot of comedians I started with have now gone to Hollywood to make movies which is great you know well done them but there's something called loyalty and there's something else called a lack of talent and no office just noticed is that can you all just keep a little bit quiet for a second I've just noticed there's a man over there that appear in a blue jumper I think he might be asleep if you could just keep quiet around him just shush shush [ __ ] he's woken [ __ ] hello you're having a [ __ ] weird dream aren't you I wouldn't fall asleep again some something very bad will happen I was going to teabag him [ __ ] it's annoying isn't it I'm never quite sure how to take an encore I'm never quite sure what it means it either means we've had a lovely time we just like a few more minutes or 17 for that you're having a [ __ ] laugh shall I tell you what this is like ladies and gentlemen it's very much like after talking to you for about an hour it's like being at a dinner party and realizing you're the only one on cocaine you find yourself thinking they're not a very chatty Bunch if it wasn't for me this would be [ __ ] I was going to tell you a story about a gig I did recently I did a gig for Mojo magazine it's a big you know pop magazine and uh did get it all went well I was doing their award show for them they invited me on they said yeah will you do our Awards I said my pleasure lovely lots of rock stars and rock jokes be cool there was the awards there I was just doing sort of 10-minute standup to begin with I told a slightly anti-American joke I said of course in Britain we've got eat as much as you like restaurants whereas in America you've got to eat as much as you can you've added that important ingredient competition so not only could you be enjoying a delicious meal you could be beating a personal best thus the necessity for three pockets on the back of your jeans you fat [ __ ] and a voice from the back of the room shouted [ __ ] off I thought I presume you're American are you he said yes I said think of it as friendly fire he then shouted [ __ ] off again but louder I thought well I better deal with this I said I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen the only reason I got into comedy and doing this kind of thing is because I thought it would be a bit of a fanny magnet I wasn't expecting a [ __ ] like [Applause] that at which point the editor of Mojo magazine who was sitting just down here got up and looked like he was going to come around and pull me off not like that that was funny well done no no you go [Applause] ahead i s signal to him to stop I signal to him to stop I said sorry sir it was a a cheap shot it's a bull's eye matter and I apologize unreservedly sir I did not mean to well I mean the thing was the LI got a laugh but then there was a big there was an audible oo I thought who have I told to [ __ ] off there was a guy called Anthony kis who's the lead singer of The Red Hot Chili Peppers and i' noticed on the way that he was on the cover of Mojo magazine and I wasn't I thought this is a social fo part of Epic Proportions you know and I thought well I better apologize unreservedly I said I am sorry if I've caused any I'm sorry I did not mean to call you a [ __ ] I'm sure you're not I'm sure you don't have the depth or the capacity to give pleasure I'd say comfortably four minutes later I was presenting him with a Lifetime Achievement [Applause] Award a chicken that has had its head chopped off can run the entire length of a football pitch before it dies that's what I call an opening ceremony my girlfriend used to think the magazines like zoo and nuts and FHM and Maxim were pornographic till she found my real stash I mean it goes the other way too you know men are no good at stopping and asking for directions would you agree with that ladies yeah men are no good at stopping and asking for directions of course on the other hand maybe we wouldn't have to if you could read a [ __ ] maap I've got no problem buying tampons I'm a fairly modern man but apparently they're not a proper present happy birthday Mom any other thoughts questions [Laughter] soup he said if you were a soup what flavored soup would you [Applause] be is that who I think it is is that is that the BFG what kind of a soup would you be I would be a lovely delicious Wan soup I I don't know what kind of a soup what kind of a soup would you be is there a leading tomato I do tomato and Bas you've got the the loveliest voice in the world what sorry me a date get you a date not a problem do you like 13-year-old [Applause] boys sorry mate we're all having a laugh you're going is that going to happen I know you're fine you're golden and what's your name sir Steen Steven Steve Steve what' you do Steve a dentist I'm a dentist and I like soup you're never going to chip a tooth on soup said The BFG you're wasted you should be doing voiceovers it's lovely a DAT with you there is a there is a large titted slag that that's it that's okay Lely she's she's pretty hot she's she's all right I don't know if you can see her can you see her then Steve she's all right stand up could she stand up I don't think she could cuz you're top or forward would you like to have a go on [Applause] [Music] that she said Woo really really quietly but it picked up an echo from her Norm going to be like throwing a sausage up an Alleyway I'm only kidding What's Your Name Madam Tracy Tracy of course he [ __ ] is of course it is of course sorry let's I'll go stop being s black for a minute but you two can meet in the lobby you've got the same sense of humor and she's you know she's easy she is easy when I was younger I couldn't talk to women because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating would have totally given it away you didn't see that coming did you I think the men in the room will be able to relate to this my girlfriend always wants to stay in and watch down T Abby but I want to go out and get a new girlfriend I thought it'd be okay for me to have sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on a break but apparently I ruined that weekend at Center Parks I was going to tell you a story about the poshest place I have ever been I got invited last year to Clarence House where Charles and Camila Live in Central London I got invited that I'm involved in this hospice charity because I'm such a [ __ ] terrific guy not because I was press ganged into it no no no maybe a little anyway I'm involved in this thing so Camila is the patron of of this great charity so she organized like drinks and a concert and dinner in her home uh to you know thank the corporate sponsors and to get more people to donate money raise a bit of money raise awareness that sort of thing in her home though she put on this event so we're all in her front room literally Charles and killa's front room it's the most ornate like high beautiful sort of ceilings and and they've got a Telly and a couch in the corner like normal people might have but every square inch of mantle piece and shelf and sideboard has got a beautiful object on it that they've been given by visiting dignitaries or they've picked up on their extensive tra of the world it's a very intimidating space to be in so we're all standing there having a drink and she's coming around saying hello to everyone and she gets to me and because I'm a dick as I feel we've established she gets to me and goes so how are you involved and I went never mind about that have you seen Cash In The Attic cuz we're sitting on a gold mine here and to her credit it's absolutely true she went yes winked and [ __ ] off brilliant I did another weird Royal thing last year I did that Jubilee did anyone see the Jubilee I I did a little thing where I had to introduce Grace Jones in a hula hoop nice work if you can get it in order to do that I had to get p security at Buckingham Palace here's what it consisted of so I met an armed police officer his only job is to guard Our Queen to make sure that no one steals Our Queen and uses her head to photocopy and make their own money and stamps I don't so I walked up to this armed police officer outside buck and Palace I said security he went yeah he here's his question he said are you in al-Qaeda I went no as you were I thought this guy seems fun so I asked him I said does anything funny ever happen when you're rolling with the queen he said yeah I'll tell you this story has to be in confidence though I said you can trust me he is not a good judge of character I'm also an ala no I'm not uh or am I no uh but so so so he told me the story he said the Queen the whole Entourage she travels with about 15 people they went up to Glasgow last year she was opening a dropin center for homeless alcoholics of course in Glasgow where else would you [ __ ] put it it's very much ground zero for homeless alcoholics it's their biggest export so the Queen's there and she's cutting through the ribbon like a [ __ ] ninja and all The Usual Suspects are there there's the mayor there's the local dignitaries there's the chairman of the charity the people that work in the local office and they got a couple of the homeless guys the alcoholic homeless guys from Glasgow that the charity has helped in other locations suited and booted washed and brushed there to meet the queen so that she could see the people that benefited from her kind works lovely so the queen as we all know has only got one bit of shtick which is the question what do you do that's her only question she doesn't Point like that that'd be mental but that's her only question what do you do that's all she asks she said to a a Scottish alcoholic homeless man what do you do and he came back rather epically on a feeli with same as you nothing hello I'm Jimmy Carr and I've spent the last year wandering around Britain playing about 160 shows to the Great British public I've got a carbon footprint like a wook um obviously when I'm shouting to people in the audience sometimes it's funny and when it's funny what we like to do is take that little audio clip and then get little sort of Buffy people to animate it um here ladies and gentlemen for your delectation and Delight are some cartoons that it's cartoons it's like a Pun It's like a joke remember those jokes yeah it's funny cartoons enjoy any other questions or anything you really an ignorant bastard off stage I'm am I really an ignorant bastard yeah I'm pretty ignorant yeah you know agant means handsome are you really ignorant well I suppose I'm self-confident about my ability to use words yeah maybe maybe more so than some are you really ignorant yeah no I'm not I'm not not that ignorant no no I think people people often think I'm you know I'm going to be really aggressive when they meet me i s of come up and go oh can you sign this and you go all right of course can like oh he's not a total C massively surprised now what what makes you think I'm arrogant I presume that's what the word you were shooting for maybe I imagine when you do spell check it goes you [Applause] can you give me another clue you could you use it in a sentence just this is just numbers uh do I come across as arrogant do you think come across as pretty much C I come across as a c well you know what I'm thinking about keeping the £15 you pay for a ticket more sorry it's like12 or something it's like12 yeah I'm the one that looks a fool you paid 12 to see a [ __ ] how little is there going on in elsbury that you went [ __ ] hate that you car you going to the gig yeah I'm going to the gig nothing else to do [Music] [Applause] you not like me or do you think I'm funny but you think I'm a bit weird or what you're a bit weird but you're funny so okay no I'm not I'm not that arrogant I tell you what should we all say it together so let's not single anyone out not going to single you out not going to single you out not going to single you let's all say arrogant together cuz then would have had a fun evening but also would have learned a word yeah come on let's 1 2 3 yeah lovely I will say I'm a little bit patronizing that means when you talk down to [Music] someone any questions anyone want to chip in who W the r do I need to be here for the questions I I didn't realize that we're going to be group based it's England we all we all won in a sense if you if you can live vicariously through other men then who who will be playing France who sorry France France is that near France uh so we beat France in in a game of rugby well done of course the big innovation in rugby was the introduction of the ball before then it was just buggery you know how it was invented though it not far from here rugby at the school you know you know the story of how it was invented some boys were playing football yeah yeah and one of the boys said this isn't gay enough what what do you do cough I'm not from the DSs there's no what what' you do I'm on the social you're on the social is it easier if I just ask is there anyone that's not on the social if there is I presuming you work at the social on the social makes it sound much more fun though doesn't it I'm on benefits makes it sound like that's a bit of a pain in the ass the s I go I'm going down the social they may be dancing any other thoughts should Wales and England separate should Wales and England separate I what you need sir is a paper and some degree of Education no um there is there is there is a Welsh Parliament if I'm if I'm not very much mistaken I mean basically it doesn't [ __ ] do anything but let's not let's not let's not um be like that no uh no I don't think they should do you share the English perspective that we sponge off you do I share the English perspective that you sponge off us what I think about three people what they do for a living two of them are on benefits you think we're sponges what do you do fora uh how long do it take you to do your hair how long does it take me to do my hair uh literally no time at all I mean I wash it on a regular basis and then it goes like that you you you don't like it I love it you love it I love it good on you um yeah it's a bit weird it's a bit an acronis isn't it looks like it was cut in the 1930s a wig to is it a wig if you had a wig you wouldn't necessarily go you wouldn't go I'd like a 1930s quip please no no no it isn't I do wear a Merk in though do you wear a wig no well not there it's a pubic wig it what sorry does it itch does it itch yeah but that's got more to do with other things I should never have [ __ ] her no one has freckles on their vagina what sorry how old was you when you lost your virginity uh okay some [Music] of 26 true story I was I was waiting for something consensual what did my mom say that's very funny what are you doing why is she Irish she was Irish is anyone willing to doal while their ultimate sexual fancy is mother daughter what sorry mother daughter mother daughter you've got to admire his honesty there his own mother he's his own mother and his own he's not from he's not from abeni [Applause] what is it that's appealing about the mother daughter thing I can't quite see the the attraction I imagine the Mother-in-law would be quite complaining no that's right [ __ ] her the whole time here's me licking your balls any other questions let me get a little photo sorry doing stand up why am I doing stand up yeah because [ __ ] like you will give me 20 quid a pop to say I'm not for a second calling you a coner it just seems a bit odd as a thing to say when you've come to see me you were forced what do you mean you were forced friend forc your friend forced you to come yeah and you're not liking it you well what what do you like jokes about maybe I could do something specifically for you racist jokes you like racist jokes well well maybe we could all club together and get you tickets to see Jim Davidson be nice I wrote I wrote One joke that I think's a bit racist so I I didn't put it in the show but I think it's quite I don't know if it is racist CU it's more about accents than it is about a race North Korea and this is just for you North Korea and Japan don't get along they never have and I don't think they ever will ladies and gentlemen you know what the problem is neither side can say they're sorry now [ __ ] off you racist com [Applause] yeah a racist in Brixton good luck in home [Applause] mate any other um imagine that being your complaint oh do we have to go and see him he's not even racist a a this she's rubbish he doesn't seem to hate anyone any other ultimate genuine ultimate sexual fancies rather than just weirdness go on the window the window the W what the [ __ ] is the window your girl your girlfriend's up against window doggy your M from the cupboard you swap around go around the window and way there [Applause] [Music] okay so this this is his this is his ultimate sexual fantasy you're [ __ ] a girl already this is far-fetched already already we're in the Realms of fantasy okay so you're [ __ ] a woman yeah you're [ __ ] her and you've got a friend in a Cupboard okay so it's already a bit gay as far as I'm concerned you're [ __ ] yeah no we're going to make love darling could you point that way towards the window no I just like it that got a breeze this is how I work okay and you say and then you you make an excuse you say I've just got to I'll be back in a second she can't notice she can't notice yeah she's got to be paralyzed from the waight down then oh I see how it would work for you because you have a tiny penis so she's not sure whether it's in or not she's just happily flicking through a magazine looking out the window so you've got a you and you you your friend come comes up he's got a similar size [ __ ] to you oh and he goes hang on you tag out I presume and then whoa he's in that's a rape taking place now there a there a that's a rape occurring now someone's having sex with her against her well you're he's raping her he's the rapist you've done nothing you've aided and abeed you've greased the baking tray so to speak you look genuinely appalled madam I'm sorry he started it and then you go around and wait till your girlfriend as she's being raped that's nice yeah no that [Applause] is tell you what Stephen his romance isn't dead you look genuinely a Bor Ladies God love you for that can I can I ask you sir are you expecting an important call you keep on getting your phone out and having I got a text message you got a text message you got a text message ladies and gentlemen [ __ ] hell [ __ ] this it was his M who was it my girlfriend you haven't got a girlfriend you've got a girlfriend and she texts you right from from what Imaginary Land don't what did you text to say tell us a story um she want a raffle she she want a raffle are you going out with a much older woman oh I've want to meet raffle I'm in a very good mood I can't find my teeth I'll have to suck you off without m gummy why did you win a raffle at the uh work Christmas party at the work Christmas party and where where does she work Saints Bru Saints Bru little bit of orange uniform going on you sometimes pretend you're [ __ ] anpa lumper you do G mastera should we talk about gamasa gasa is the um men getting boobs moves and Bo man tits mits what you like the man Manny boobs the weird thing about the man boobs is men are really self-conscious about it now and getting you know they don't want to go to the beach or on holiday because they feel they can't take their shirt off they just it's horrible I say look at the positive yeah if you if you're getting man boobs you can add a whole new dimension to a away you can be at home of an afternoon thinking I might have one off the wrist we didn't get Broadband for nothing you're just about to and you think hang on no I'm better than that tits first I'm not a slack experience said with experience you experience yeah what having a wank I'm 35 mate yeah what do you know you sound scottage it doesn't cost anything I imagine you do ACC at the moment you want to look you've got what at the moment easy access you've got easy access of beer in English in English I think he's saying I'm a member of a ring [Music] someone throw some heroin or shortbread or something are you gay am I what are you gay no I'm all about the pun tell you what I'll prove it to you love I'm kidding CU actually I'm going to [ __ ] her in the ass just to kind [Applause] of you know my favorite thing about Northern irand is like the history of Northern Ireland not that I know [ __ ] all about it but the the fact that we called it we called it in England in London the troubles we might as well have called it the spot of B what 20 years Civil War spot a bobber yeah we're having a little bit of trouble don't want to go on about it we should call the Iraq War to-do you haven't explained to him what the troubles are they don't really report it on cbbs do they it's a real Gap since John Craven left you haven't watch news round you're [ __ ] I noticed all the boys down the front have highlighted their hair that's excellent It's nice cuz sometimes it's difficult some people don't have very strong gayar so it's nice to give my heads up none of that down there sorry for all I know you you're the Arctic Monkeys hello want to be rude um excellent I'm sure it's a fashion thing from from the mid 80s maybe your Death Leopard um has anyone got any questions if anyone wants to chip in what hair product do you use what hair product do I use what you want to try and avoid that hair product I I don't know I don't know what it's called spunk I think so if you're laboring under the illusion that spunk is a hair product it sounds like you may have been abused as a teenager well you on Scout camp and the scout master said you'll need something for your quiff I'm going to take a photo I don't get to play here every day I thought I might a little reminder has anyone got any questions it might be a good time for that will you marry me well I marry you uh I'm not the captain of a ship but certainly if you have a partner I will I pronounce you man and wife and on a pat sorry who said will you marry me I'd [ __ ] you any good for [Applause] you I think a marriage is a hell of a commitment isn't it also the fell that you're with doesn't look a tall happy have you how long have you guys been been together two years two years and you're willing to throw it all away for you what sorry only for you only for me you say that and what what do you do for living sir I'm sales assistant you're a sales assistant whereabouts go on what kind of thing sell computer games you sell computer games oo yeah tell you what ladies love knowledge of computer games although you are probably quite good with your thumbs aren't you you can probably get her off in seconds hang on there's a cheat on this [ __ ] your dad to save my mom would I [ __ ] you'd [ __ ] my dad to save your mom if we can hook up that deal I'm more than happy with that Arrangement fill your boots [Music] sir what sorry a lot of boots you love the boots that's a very odd reaction to that phrase Filly boots I love the boots you sound like some kind of sassy cat from a cartoon I love the boots the mo voice what do you do for a living sir uh I work at Co-op I like the co-op don't knock the co-op cuz the co-op do everything from like I just need a pint of milk and also could you bury Nana that's a mental shop isn't it yeah pint of milk bent and hedges Berry crated yeah love it Wicked what do you do then uh I do the please say you Berry Nana no what do you do I work at the food I did I work at the food [ __ ] hell I can see why your green grosser business isn't being targeted yeah the big supermarket's not really on it around here are they so what do you do for this uh Supermarket I you the fool I I do the fool make you go young yeah she I love the bo I love the boot I come with a job I do the fool I've great a whole comic persona for you CU some people have that weird sexual thing about wanting to um they've got like a a glass coffee table and they sit under it and someone defecates on the and they think oh God that's disgusting a glass coffee table what is it the 70s for [ __ ] sake I get reviewed quite a lot now that's a weird thing started happening like journalists coming to the shop I don't know if there's any in this evening there any journalists in are you a journalist who with who UBC UBC EBC EBC is it BBC what what you undercover or something go on who are you a journalist with BBC the BBC and what are you covering this how little is happening in this town news news news tell you what I noticed is happening in this town I got that you know that little whatson guide for Belfast have you seen that it might just be [ __ ] tourist like me but I had it in the hotel flicking through it couldn't believe my life the big front page story there's exhibition the design and build of the Titanic strikes me when this town starts taking pride in that things are a bit of a low Point aren't they yes of course we designed to build a Titanic didn't that famously think well you didn't build the [Applause] iceberg yes how were you to know how were you to know there'd be a bit of out there in the [ __ ] ocean It just strikes me that there's a brilliant exhibition about the design and build of the Titanic doesn't mention the fact it sinks at any point and just at the end of it goes it was fine when we last saw it whereabouts of the ship unknown adorable what do you do for a living sir repossess houses you repossess houses [Music] what sorry what was that well maybe if you paid your [ __ ] bills you know what I mean he didn't didn't want to I I don't really understand those financial I mean repossessing houses sounds a bit horrible as a job I didn't that when Northern Rock went under I didn't understand that at all how are they in trouble and ocean Finance are fine we've all seen the people they lend money to on the ads they lend money to people like reys I love the way Reese is it's indiscriminate he just likes having his name mentioned doesn't matter if it's a negative connotation tell you what ree has murdered people y you mentioned me you're adorable um any any other questions you're a legend you're a legend I'm a legend I'm I'm not a great Legend though am I I'm not I'm not like King Arthur I don't think I don't think in in you know 5,000 years time people will be sitting around campfires great great all right I'm halfway through a [ __ ] bit now I'm just saying I don't think in generations to come people will be sitting around going and there was a fat-faced man and low did he know a lot of [ __ ] one liners just doesn't seem as kind of but thanks very much great shake your hand can you shake my hand I'll do it myself sh hey and they say music H's dead I'm quite dyslexic any other dyslexic s dyslexic well from that reaction I'm guessing proper oldfashioned stupid woohoo I can't [ __ ] spell boom see sorry were you trying to say something else but we just came out all O's little Noggin what can't spell don't care can't spell don't care d o n t c a r e have you got a t-shirt on yeah Jimmy what does it say sorry Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy four my God you're aiming low in life aren't you and what does it say on the back will you marry me will you marry me well that's going to put me off when I'm [ __ ] new that's going to Haven thought that through I'll be I think I might lose my erection I'll be go oh she wants a long-term commitment oh I hate reading it's boring it's the kind of gig one I wouldn't be I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of this gig I was in a wicker man in the Town Square going CH SN ch ch no yeah yeah them over there going oh I wish we thought of that now do you ever get any racist graffiti in in Belfast do you ever get any horrible well I know you have your murals but I don't count those if someone's gone to the trouble of drawing a lovely picture I always think that's a shame when they pose for those pictures go take your pal clav off come on there a generation of artists in in Northern Ireland going I can't really do faces and now they're kind of a little bit out of work going yeah could you wear a roll neck and a cap and then pull that down and that up I could do eyes quite Sinister eyes you want to get back to me if you get a penny of V JJ that's right I said the JJ what are it why why is for JJ funny saying that's what he calls mine that's why he calls yours after he heard me say it on telly he now calls your lady Place a v j i could not be more flattered literally I couldn't be more what a beautiful double bum you have there sir okay let's should we do some improv goester get a few suggest let's do some improv okay I need uh I need a few things from you and then we'll okay I need historical figure you said that to car t t t yeah t that's good for that sounds weird from around sounds so right your accent who's coming tonight Steve [Applause] it sounds to me when you say like two different blocks [Applause] going hey have a guess in Orbin how much I give every year to animal Charities have a guess million what sorry million pound wow ladies and gentlemen the queen uh with with a lovely wave as well good on you have you ever heard of an amount of money less than a million P that voice suggests that million P cool you're Posh how your Co well I would rather not say how's about you tell me the girth of your vagina and we will and we will ascertain whether it would be like throwing a sausage up an Alleyway KFC bucket what sorry KFC bucket a KFC bucket possibly a KFC bucket s if that if that helps your process how long youen for how long am I brighten for um uh for tax purposes I'm not sure I I think until tomorrow night but who knows where am I staying yours baby I'm joking of course I'm going to use that lady's enormous vagina as a sleeping B I'm JY of course I'm going to [ __ ] it like everyone else unnecessarily harsh I'm sorry perfectly reasonable question of yours what happened to your face what happened to my face a that's a great question I've just got a big face there's no getting around it well you could you could go around it be quicker to go through um takes a certain Confidence from someone with Lamar's haircut I like the way you've highlighted your hair sir because you've clearly thought there's too much hair to revise I'll just highlight the important bits well God love you sa there's nothing really the matter with it other than it's a funny shape it's come in handy in this job oh also your mom says hi it is it's a contractual obligation it's someone heckles in an aggressive way that I have to say that where where is she oh hi there how are you I did I didn't didn't recognize you because you're s sitting down you're not I didn't recognize you you can [Applause] understand I'm sorry did you think I was a friend of yours from school and that your mom being here I go I'm Sorry Miss no I [ __ ] her loads I'm not alone sorry Dad sry not your real dad but whoever she's brought home this [Music] week I'd like to end by talking about heckling I like heckling I like it when people join in even if it's a criticism of the shape of my face I'm not angry at you maybe if you brought him up a little bit better yeah spare the rod spoil the chu she swallowed she SP she she swallowed she didn't spare oh the level of discomfort on his face now that's [ __ ] genius well done you yeah yes that's your own father going yeah I like my son I could have got sucked off he's got silly hair I sort of wish I had he's got such a brilliant color he's got literally the brightest red I've ever seen just hold your face up a second it looks really funny weirdly is that a weird a weird irony sorry mate it's just your dad was just being talking about getting tucked off by your mom that doesn't look so weird now does it I like Ping that was a [ __ ] marvelous Heckle there sir thank you so much genuinely made me cry a little bit I've done a little here what's your name L Move Along what are you saying Vicki dance for me monkey boy is he your fell what do you mean he's either your fellow or he isn't is he is he your fellow yeah sorry she's saying yes and you're saying no and kind you just look you've gone really red and you look really embarrassed they're thuck buddies oh I see what how very modern how very 2005 so you're not going out with each other but you are [ __ ] buddies that is fantastic can we just all take a moment to you know congratulate that man there he's a lot of work has gone into that a lot of work has gone into that he's had to buy a Cosmopolitan for a couple of years sorry my parents going to watch this and they'll know that you were da little hussy [Applause] the great thing about that is that he's convinced you that yeah we don't need a relationship it's so it's so oldfashioned I should be able to sleep with whoever I want to sleep with and so should you as long as it's just me when I say must be something else yeah there'll be a lot of jokes it's not every day I get to talk to a slag come on now I don't know where the Mark is until I overstep it that's my you just did that is juvenile that sorry for those of you that didn't see that it'll be on the DVD available at all good car boots Vicki's response to that yeah she's been called a slag at a show that's not good in anyone's book and I apologize for that unreservedly but did you really need to do that God bless you any Welsh people in any Welsh just one we seem to have contained the problem good I'm loving the Walsh I really like every time I go to Wales have a lovely time the people are very friendly but I get annoyed every time I go to Wales not by the people but by the signs all the signs in Wales have you been there all the signs road signs tourist information shop signs every [ __ ] sign has to be in English man Welsh everything English man Welsh it's ridiculous because it cost a fortune to do and only 5% of the population of Wales can read well I like to think of myself as an equal opportunities offender we've done the Irish we've done the Welsh and he's Scottish people in Imagine my surprise here's a question for you my Scottish friends if you were a homeless alcoholic Scott and you had Tourettes how would they ever know tell you what it's rough in England I was there recently and I didn't realize it was meant to be rough but Nottingham I didn't realize this Nottingham is the gun capital of Great Britain tell you what Nottingham needs a sheriff it's quite a silly joke there any scousers in oh there's a few there all right how hi the scousers you well no what what do you do for a living oh sorry I forgot your a scouser there for a second I apologize I didn't mean to that's awkward I'm not having a go at Liverpool I'm loving the scousers I'm not it's a great place to do a gig he got the he got a similar feel to Glasgow in terms of people Heckle quite a lot they join in they're quite up for it a nice sense of humor loving the scous crowd although I will say this about Liverpool Liverpool is the only city in Great Britain where JD Sports has an evening wear Department they've got a [ __ ] bridal shop going to interest Madam in an off-white track suit I always make a bit of an effort when I'm traveling around the country doing this job I always make a bit of an effort to do the accent of wherever I am and I think generally people take that pretty well they like the fact you've made a bit of an effort but sometimes people get chippy if you don't get exactly right I had a guy come up to me I was doing a gig in the north of England and this guy came up to me after the show quite aggressive yeah he said uh all right AR kid I don't think you've got any [ __ ] respect for this town try to do the voice we don't even [ __ ] T like that my bad I said no you've got me all wrong wrong I love Newcastle I've got a friend that go into an argument with a barid from Sunderland long story short he ended up calling her a fat ugly Jordy [ __ ] and she said I'm no a ji I'm no JY sorry that's a terrible accent but it is how they talk I'm always impressed when I'm traveling around the place I came up on the train and I'm very impressed with anyone that can get on a train maybe some of you can do this can can any of you get on a train and you don't have to ask is it the right train I'm unable to do that whenever I get on a train I've always got to find someone who looks like a grown-up to me go is this the right one is this the one for glasg go and we all know the answer cuz we've all been asked by a tit like me the is always hope so hope so I've started doing it on planes mother always said if you haven't got anything nice to say [ __ ] off I read an interview with Margaret Thatcher a couple of years ago and in she was talking about her funeral she said I don't want my funeral to be a morbid Affair I want it to be a celebration I thought well you won't be disappointed love my sister had a baby I AR to see her she said you want to wind him I said I give him a dead leg shall I cats have got nine lives which makes them ideal for experimentation a dog is for life not just for Christmas so do be careful at the office party watching sex on telly with Mama and Dad that's embarrassing I didn't even know they know ched the camcorder a very common male fantasy is to have two women at the same time one to cook one to clean easy there I'm joking they want to [ __ ] them have you all seen the new Mel Gibson film The Passion of the Christ it's upset an awful lot of Christians they're very up they're up in arms about it he's made a film about the Life of Christ but he's tacked on this silly Hollywood ending where the hero comes back at the end does she love the little baby Jesus or does she love the little baby Jesus or not she she going for a we are we or a poke you should we timer it was a bit embarrassing isn't it when people say they hear voices in their heads as opposed to where exactly hearing voices in your legs that's properly mental I saw an advert for adult literacy classes in the newspaper there any single men in this evening anyone single you're single well don't don't panic I've got some advice for you if you really like a girl and you ask her out and she says to you I love you like a brother suggest a weekend in norol unless you're from norfol in which case it probably is your sister so are you from Norfolk you don't look like you're from norol I'm from fford in nor you're from fford in Norfolk and is that your sister girlfriend both so and you're here with your sister not really though Saturday night out I'll take my sister she's she's a looker have you ever with the how many asking do you think do you think your sister's attractive can I ask do do you think she's attractive or not she's okay she's okay did you give her one that was very low sorry what about you love I can't believe that he's from norf and he's brought his sister it could scarcely be better I'm amazed you didn't bring your mom did you split up oh marvelous imagine your family Tre is a straight line is it according to ofcom the people that make the guidelines for television according to ofcom the most offensive words on TV are the fword and the CW but I'm live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the [ __ ] I like and those [ __ ] can't do anything about it I had trouble getting out tonight how to organize a babysitter I don't have children just found the lot cheaper than escorts she's 17 there's nothing she won't do for £50 sort half a joke that isn't it cuz it's quite funny but also true when I'm away from home I sometimes get love sick wow they call it chlamidia I spend a lot of my time away from home cuz this is my job I travel around the country telling jokes to people I love it but I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels because I have to to travel I was in a hotel a couple of weeks ago walked into the hotel room as I walked in there just on the TV it said the adult channel is disabled I thought that's a bit specialist I'm sure you've all seen this Birmingham on trains they've got seats reserved for elderly disabled and pregnant people begs the question who's [ __ ] all these old cripples do you ever hear anything so dumb it's almost brilliant so stupid it just it takes you a moment to work out what just happened I'll give you an example I was on a bus I heard this girl get on the bus walk up to the driver and go can I get a return and the driver went where to and she went back here it took me like an extra beat to what's going on oh she's a [ __ ] idiot Case Closed people worry about their physical appearance we've all got got silly Hang-Ups personally I worry that one of my balls is bigger than the other [Music] two I shave my testicles I call them Brazil [Music] nuts makes me giggle cuz it tickles when I do it the first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers you're just finding your feet [Music] well done all together or not at all on the laughter I think feed line punch line laugh don't [ __ ] about you getting it late nonsense um are there any Ginger people in tonight we got any Ginger people seem to have contained the problem there good Ginger people get given a hard time people say very unkind things about gingers but I think you should be dist destroyed humanely I can talk check out the look I'm rocking look like a Lego Hitler that's his stff when I broke up with my last girlfriend I said I said I blame myself I should never have let you let yourself go but you have so you have to [ __ ] off so career- ending gags uh I used to worry about saying something so offensive I would never work again but that was just me thinking like a a a gender fluid snowflake no offense uh you paid good money to see an edgy comic tell edgy jokes right yeah please I'm here to deliver yeah I will um and you you all right g g wandered off yeah did you do that in Brixton well sometimes he does I'm sure we can fix the [ __ ] lights can't we can we fix the lights is it okay all right well [ __ ] it it's exactly how it was apparently he has to [ __ ] work would be a poor thing um okay I believe passionately in freedom of speech but I do my best not to offend any gender neutral groups um you know ethnic minorities or fact disabled lesbon nonsense that said the next 5 minutes will be closer to the Bone than a fat girl eating KFC KFC or as I like to call it the salty pigeon you never see a pigeon outside of KFC do you it's like their aitz uh right career Enders when I give my opinion on gender or race issues people say what's easy for you to say as a straight white man but when I give my opinion as a gay Chinese lady they don't like the accent I do I make my own vegetables I've got a hammer apologies to Patrick and his family uh I'd like to try anal sex again but my girlfriend's a little torn this could be the one that ends it all for me um are there young ladies in like ladies in their teens and 20s yeah quite a few you want to go out you want to get get drunk you want to have fun right but you haven't got an unlimited budget at this age so allow me to recommend the vodka tampon it's exactly what you think it is get a tampon you soak it in vodka just a capful will suffice yeah pop it and you find China very drunk very quickly and if you're menstrating bloody mary what I like about that is someone's going to try I was in Birmingham last night they were selling them at the [ __ ] bar um who's got kids you got kids can I just take a moment to thank you for coming to the show we really appreciate you coming cuz we've all lost friends to their kids people we used to love hanging out with they had kids we haven't seen them since and that isn't the worst case scenario the worst thing is when they have kids they still come out but all they want to do is talk about their kids all the [ __ ] time and I've got no frame of you know what what you meant to say it's awkward isn't it when they show you photos what do you meant to say yeah he's lovely but no haven't seen him no I can't help you look I'm super busy if you were that bothered should have kept a lookout it's a joke I know where he is and the joke's on them really he doesn't look like that anymore he's got sad eyes now I don't like it when people tell me their kid is adopted what difference does it make it's your kid whether it's biologically yours or a rescue I hate it when coat hangers get all tangled up so you can't use them so we're keeping the baby well that joke's only there to warm me up for this joke go here we go in Texas in America uh they've made it effective ly impossible uh to get an abortion even if you get raped that is so [ __ ] up think about that you serve your time you get out you got to pay Char supp Port nightmare I was in Amsterdam this joke's going exactly where you think it's going I was in Amsterdam onto a walk back from my venue to the hotel AC through the middle of the red light district I got propositioned by a lady of the night not in one of the windows but she was on the stoop having a cigarette young attractive I mean she must be mid 20s I guess and uh and she just went like bracingly she just went are you interested I said I actually don't have to pay for sex I'm a rapist can I end my career in eight words what do you think have a little faith of course I can let's count them out you can prevent any rape just say yes you look as if you really don't want to be laughing at that rape joke but somewhat ironically I'm forcing you which I tell you what we're going to do we're going to go through I get a lot of messages in from people some from this evening some of my favorites from the tour we'll go through these and then we'll call it a night what do you think yeah they're pretty fun this is very much your bit of the show let me just grab a water um all right first one in [ __ ] sake every night I get these my blonde 19-year-old nextdoor neighbor has just asked me if I know anything about missing items from her clothes line I nearly [ __ ] her knickers old school pretty good though I spent an hour on my wife's grave today bless her she thinks I'm digging a pump I walked in on my wife shagging her personal trainer I thought this isn't working out if animals don't want to be eaten why are they made out of food we want [ __ ] answers mate hey every piece of a chicken is potential nugget I'm 51 and my girlfriend is 23 we went out for dinner last night and people kept calling me a petophile it really ruined our anniversary hi Jimmy it's my boyfriend Cash's 28th birthday today he'd love it if you gave him a shout out he also wants to become a comedian can you please tell him not to create his day job where's where's cash where are cash yeah you up there cash what do you do at the moment cash I'm in technology you're in technology what like the Matrix yeah man yeah I'm I'm a client manager you're a what to client manager a client manager yeah [ __ ] leave and do comedy what what how long have you guys been together H just over a year just over a so you met in lockdown that's the funniest thing she's ever said that's the funniest thing she's ever said what was I didn't think she said anything what sorry what you appear to be broken you two I give give comedy AO like next summer when you're going I don't you're probably going on holiday next summer right planning a trip go to the Edinburgh Festival the Edinburgh Festival is [ __ ] awesome go and see some comedy go and try some comedy you [ __ ] love it man if that's what you're into give it a go be all right want it yeah uh what else we got will my husband still love my Foo after having a baby yeah one baby plenty of tread left on that [Music] tire where do you stand on that ladies of London would you think the man should be there for the birth I think he should be there but not there I think the rule should be no not the rule the law should be shoulders and above yeah right he's got no business down the business end it's not dignified for you ladies it's also it's not great for him either if I'm honest I'm watching your favorite Pub burn down you're looking on thinking of all the good times you had in there sure you know they're going to rebuild it that's never going to be the same oh no they've knocked through into the back room [Music] no what else we got uh did you know that pigeons die when they have sex well the one that I [ __ ] it I told you he was funny he's [ __ ] a pigeon well done um I've got a goldfish that can break dance but only for 20 seconds and only once one animal was hurt in the making his show you're going to [ __ ] cry are you do you do you drink water do you drink water yeah it's a [ __ ] fish's house you monster I imagine I'm going to be blurred for the rest of this um me and the wife have been happily married for 2 years 2010 and 2018 R seat 9 my friend just got dumped # Uggy breakup please teach her not to go for [ __ ] boys anymore Lord above because I am genuinely D O N E Done # daddy issues # Jimmy your Agony art okay so the [ __ ] is going on there some r where are you who's just been broken you just got broken up with yeah is it because you're a hot mess probably huh what sry probably I I've got well I've got a tip for you or if you like I could put the whole thing [Applause] in no seriously can I get her washed and brought to my room I'm joking don't bother washing her there's no point she's going to end the evening looking like a plaster as radio okay what else we got um be careful if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat my nan had a fall the other day and hers literally sat next to her and did [ __ ] off Jimmy I'm in a predicament my girlfriend is a twin and I accidentally slept with the wrong one accidentally I should have been able to tell them apart because Sarah is blonde and Mike has a cck yeah normally you'd normally be able to tell wouldn't you oh we've all been there um I got a rubbish thesaurus my birthday it was rubbish dear Jimmy would you rather lick a dick a day for 365 days or lick 365 dicks in a day who where are my gay guys at we got any gay guys hey man what what's your name my friend Joel hi Joel look help me out with this I'm I'm a straight guy what sorry don't you have both well because Joel Joel this is I know where you're calling from this sounds tremendous here's my predicament here I reckon I hear me out I reckon I've got to go 365 in a day right go for the [ __ ] record because here's the thing if I did one a day I reckon about four months in I don't care how [ __ ] straight you think you are four months in you'd start to express a preference wouldn't you 4 months soon you'd be going oh mate you must be pleased with that that oh that's a [ __ ] framer right there yeah delicious I knew it would be you it would mess with your mind whereas you know 365 in a day just be a [ __ ] blur what's what's it like love go what else we got um my wife wanted to spice things up by playing doctors and nurses so I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 48 [Applause] hours my boyfriend has 12 nipples sounds funny doesn't it very good my Dad recently died because we couldn't remember his blood type as he was dying he kept insisting for us to be positive but it's been hard without him hi I married my husband in May that's the right person to marry of course you married your husband who else would you [ __ ] marry um I married my husband in May and love him loads please tell him pixie and my husband Keith pixie where are you where's pixie he pixie he pixie sucking him off in the disabled toilet where a a yeah they're probably [ __ ] in the discipled toilets aren't they that's what the discipled toilets are for Ian when dis sayable people aren't using them that's why that's why they got their handrail for more for more exotic position of course it is of course what else we got um auto correct is so funny my mom text me I love you and it became don't come home you're a disappointment fun my girlfriend needed cheering up so I surprised her with a [ __ ] party everybody came you should have seen her [Applause] face are you explaining [ __ ] to your friends don't explain it so I need five young healthy volunteers have to be men we've got a finale for the show it's one it's it's [ __ ] is one a mommy and a daddy and another Daddy and another Daddy and another daddy you think I've made a mistake I haven't and another Daddy and another Daddy and they uh she needs hydrating she needs hydrating okay all right what else we got um hi Jimmy if a gay guy if a gay man jumped on your back would you wank him off David famously David it's would you toss him off would you toss him off as a duble on Tundra what you've given us there Dave wherever you are is a single on Tandra Jimmy I'm a boob man but my girlfriend has tiny tits what do you suggest [ __ ] a grown-up [Applause] pedo I got a vasectomy 2 years ago and I thought it would prevent my girlfriend from bearing more children but apparently it only changed the color of the baby how did this happen well now Jeremy K's gone we never [ __ ] know will we Jimmy I've started seeing this girl with eczema she's got cracking tits hi Jimmy it was my girlfriend lucil Lucille's birthday yesterday and we are down in London celebrating it would you be able to give her a shout out it would be amazing thank you Keel where are you where you trapped down a well hi which which birthday is it sorry it's rude to ask a lady her AG how much do you weigh I went the wrong way go on which birthday is it what sorry 29 you're 29 hello happy birthday you know it's her birthday not yours so no bum fun [ __ ] her gently with the lights out the rules we got to have a system happy birthday thanks for coming out hope you're having a good night happy birthday you um good what else we got hi Jimmy I'm on a first date tonight when we went for a beer before the show I looked across at her my legs turned to jelly I couldn't think straight I started to swear and that's when I knew I drug the wrong drink he's forgotten which glass to put the chill Ro hypon in has he my wife told me to get our Ginger son ready for his first day at school so I punched him in the face and tell he's money very good do you think Chewbacca has has a human dick or a little red rocket doggy dick I'm not giving it a lot of thought but I think a little lipstick one don't you you never he never gets a lob on even even Princess Leia in the in the in the Bikini what else we got um do gay midgets come out of the cab okay um my uncle used to be a ventriloquist but he wasn't very good at it every time he stuck his fingers up my ass he told me not to say anything I think it's better cuz I look like this um if guns don't kill people people kill people does that mean toasters don't toast toast toast toast toast the [ __ ] does that even mean hi Jimmy last time you were in town me and my girlfriend were on a break so she took her friend to the show instead of me you asked her all about it and she just replied he's a [ __ ] Charmed I'm sure anyway we got back together and have been getting on really well since and we're here tonight I've been planning on asking her something and was wondering if you'd help me will you ask her to apologize for calling me account in front of the whole theater thanks worth it 100% worth it that's my show ladies and gentlemen thank you very much for coming out I really appreciate thank you thanks everyone thanks for coming out safe home cheers hello I'm Jimmy car and I don't want to impose on your day I know you just watched a clip of me you probably had enough of me already but if you could like And subscribe that would help me in some way which I don't fully understand I think basically if you like and subscribe then down the line I have a more comfortable retirement I

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 652,795

Keywords: Jimmy carr, best of jimmy carr, comedy jimmy carr, funny jimmy carr, jimmy carr Netflix, jimmy carr best of, jimmy carr brutal jokes, jimmy carr comedian, jimmy carr comedy, jimmy carr dark jokes, jimmy carr funniest moments, jimmy carr funny, jimmy carr heckle, jimmy carr heckles, jimmy carr insults, jimmy carr live, jimmy carr roast, jimmy carr roasts, jimmy carr show, jimmy carr natural born killer, jimmy carr natural born killer full show, jimmy carr new netflix show

Id: AKAebBMCYBM

Length: 144min 26sec (8666 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 15 2024