Jimmy Carr's Christmas Roast | Jimmy Carr

a dog is for life not just for Christmas so do be careful at the office party LS lofs are magical places where it's always Christmas it only happens once a year but when I collect the Christmas tree in the car it looks like I've overdone it on the air freshener I've got Lads of gay friends and I'm sure there are loads of gay men in this evening a few certainly do around are there gay men in keeping it quiet in glasgo well I've got loads of gay friends I'm sure there are some gay men in this evening uh how do you decide who goes where in in a gay relationship cuz when it's a man and a woman you know what goes where don't you pretty much most of the time apart from birthdays and Christmas that was a good little nudge told you that was normal but if it's two guys cuz it's two guys is it like calling shotgun in the car cuz I get annoyed if my friend gets to sit in the front I'd be livid if he got to Poppy's cocking my [Music] bum that is the face I would do I used to be quite religious and I'm fascinated by lots of religious groups there's um there some brilliant ones there's the um the people that wear the armbands W wjd stands for what would Jesus do and Christians wear them to remind them to be more like Christ in everyday life they sort of see that and that oh what would Jesus do in this situation for the most part they're very effective they make people so annoying you want to nail them to a cross my my absolute favorite Christian organization of all time it's called Christians against Teenage pregnancies that's the Everest of hypocrisy isn't it if Jesus taught us nothing else he taught us that The Unwanted babies of teenage moms can turn out all right you look as if you didn't quite understand that do you know who the protagonist is it's Jesus born at Christmas or Easter you must have heard of him walk on water well he probably couldn't walk on water his mom probably just exaggerated he's probably very good on ice skates he died for your sins can't I saw a thing in the paper a couple of months ago it said if you're filling in an application form these days trying to apply for a job or maybe applying for University something like that anything where you have to fill in a form they don't care about your qualifications as much what they want is someone with a bit of a sense of humor I thought what I could help with that I think there some funny things you could put in forms might help someone out is anyone applying for a job or anything like that or what are you applying for a teacher to be a teacher oh I read a thing recently that said that uh the best teachers the ones that graduate very top of teacher training go and teach at special needs schools I couldn't help thinking isn't that a bit of a waste why are they going to get a better standard of potato [Music] painting well this might help if you're getting your CV together you never know educational qualifications you've got to kick off with that for the CV I went to boarding school I was a day boy at least I think that's what they were shouting I got a double first at Cambridge first person to get their balls out in choir practice first person to be hospitalized by a chaplain personal statement that's an annoying thing you've got to do a personal statement now you've already filled in a CV and an application form and then they might you write a little essay about yourself at the end it's rubbish here's my personal statement you can borrow if you like I've got tiny balls balls like marbles is that personal enough I shaved them there I said it what do you expect the position you've applied for to involve endless meetings a few months of keeping my head down a fight with the boss of the Christmas party a drunken sexual diance with a colleague some sort of harrassment tribunal followed by Swift departure little bit of realism there a little bit of Truth for you oh I applyed to be in the police any policeman in undercover I see well they've got a great form the the police what's your greatest Personal Achievement to date they ask I've said I've stolen over £16,000 worth of stationary without once getting caught what I used to do is I used to take all the Post-it notes and pens and pads and ink cartridges and laptops stuff you're going to Nick anyway just take instead of nicking it in my bag or my coat what I used to do is get all that stuff put it in a box yeah then when it was full take it to the post room and have them deliver it to my house it was [ __ ] brilliant cuz not only did you get the stuff you were going to steal anyway you also got kind of a Christmas morning surprise 2 Days Later a package for me who could have been so kind it was me the Make A Wish Foundation are you all familiar with the fine work the Make A Wish Foundation do broadly speaking they make dreams come true for determinedly ill what could be more worthwhile they're a great organization I thoroughly approve of what they do my only problem with them is the name I think they should be forced to change their name from the Make A Wish Foundation to the no make another wish we can't do anything about that found speaking of which did you all see that heartbreaking story in the Mirror newspaper last year they ran a campaign are you showing off to the other children are you pretending you can read by heartbreaking story do you mean the tits on page three what so I'm fine for fruit and veg thank you I presume that's what he's talking about it's nice that you're here though it's a night off for someone isn't [Music] it now now I talked about the make a wish people did you all see this upsetting story in the mirror last year it was about a 5-year-old boy that needed a new kidney otherwise he was going to die and the mirror ran a six we campaign about this yeah I tell you the good thing before I tell you the funny thing that 5-year-old boy is now six he got the kidney and he made it thanks in no small part of the Mirror newspaper well done then yeah but talk about heartbreaking talk about tugging the heart strings last Christmas they printed his Christmas list in the paper and the kidney was on the list fourth fourth there were things he wanted more number three was a little briten DVD I don't want to sound tightfisted but I to go that there you go mate you piss yourself I'll get someone to explain what kidneys do after the show people knock the X Factor and they knock Britain's Got Talent but the way I see it someone's got to turn the Christmas lights on in Stoke and it's not going to be me the game this year my favorite suicide bomber of the last year oh you're better than me because you haven't got a list whatever um my favorite s well I've got a couple that I really like the Detroit bomber do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas so he flew into Detroit airport he had an explosive device in his underpants the triggering device went off the explosives didn't detonate so there was Smoke billowing around but everything didn't blow up straight away just smoke billowing so the other passengers you can imagine in America post 911 how they put him out they didn't didn't run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stuides no they stamped the [ __ ] out in quite a Camp flamco style if this is anything to go about possibly with a but I mean they [ __ ] ruined this guy they didn't kill him but they ruined him now normally I would say well you know what [ __ ] him he was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas [ __ ] him very much but my heart goes out to this guy cuz his court cases coming up in America in the next couple of months and he's going to have a very tough time in a court of law defending himself because the prosecution have got it so easy the prosecution are just going to go you telling the truth yeah I'm turn the truth were your pants on fire oh speaking of special occasions there was a couple in a couple of weeks ago at one of my gigs 35 years married I got chatting to them cuz I thought quite an incredible thing in this day and age got chat to them I said what do you get her for the iversary and he said deep fat fryer I said what did she get you and he went chips and they seemed thrilled with that Arrangement it got me chatting to people about what is the worst gift you've ever got birthday anniversary Christmas Valentine's what is the worst piece of [ __ ] you ever got we've had a hairle go what what was that say a little bit louder ticks to no what's fine what what's your name Toby what what sorry Toby Toby Toby do you mind me sharing with the group thank you very much indeed Toby that makes it much easier cuz there's a Heckle it's quite a good Heckle quite a funny Heckle but we have to do a Heckle put down now God I would love if I could just let it go but I can't There are rules but you don't mind me sharing with the group so makes it much easier we can go old school stop stalling what sorry stop stalling stop stalling Don't Panic sir I've got this I'll have to put you on [ __ ] [Applause] waiting Toby's mom is so fat she's a [ __ ] disgrace Toby your mom is such a chunky monkey wobble slob fatty boom BTY blobber knau she's so [ __ ] fat when she fell down the stairs I thought EastEnders had finished boom bo true story you sir what did you say what was it stop stalling yeah what what's your name Gary are you trying to say Gary what you me Gary yeah yeah the [ __ ] is that well Gary if you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mom's teeth let's talk about fears our subconscious mind that's quite an interesting area isn't it yeah uh the best way to conquer a fear of spiders is next time you see a spider imagine it naked has anyone got like a morbid fear of spiders like a someone's got one over there your brother has but so that's kind of oh well he's here it wasn't just a random I haven't got phobia but my brother has maybe you could help with that what's your name sir Kyle Kyle and you speak for him when you when you say your brother you're not from Paisley you're not going out or anything are you I no I'm just asking cuz what' you do Carl nothing the new but what sorry nothing the new nothing the now it's a new Kyle and I just workshopping we're coming up with a new children's character for Scotland he's called Nothing the know the unemployed donkey nothing the now what the [ __ ] is that Kyle what do you do for a living you're unemployed I all right well good it was lovely having you here especially in view of the fact a lot of the taxpayers paid for you to [ __ ] beer well yeah let's face it we're in Glasgow there's a lot of people applauded that that have never paid any tax in their [ __ ] lives hey there's tax on Spirits isn't there what I'd like to do K my gift to you give something back to the community not just put care in it uh I'd like to cure you of your fur spiders you up for this like Darren Brown Style with sort of hypnosis cure your fur spiders you up for this fabulous all right cuz it's happening okay imagine Carl you're at home in bed under the duvet as snug as a bug in a rug and you're dreaming of whatever unemployed people in Glasgow dream of don't know being on the social for another few years I don't [ __ ] know oh and then I sign my name and the check keep coming [Music] oh okay so you're at home in bed then what I'm saying is you're in the most safe and secure environment you could possibly be in you're under the duo safe and secure more dreaming away a spider Kyle size of my hand hand big hairy [ __ ] crawls on your face as you lie sleeping doesn't wake you Carl you're still dreaming of nice things Buck fast and the like just sits there for a while on your face car as you sleep lays its eggs in your tear ducks and scampers Away to its enormous giant spider nest under your bed where it lives you can check lady if you like can you wake up in the morning fresh as a daisy lovely ready for a busy day well you're awake anyway okay so you you're absolutely fine the next morning that's my point about a week later you're sitting reading the paper you know that's a weird itch a thousand spiders hat have your eyes that has that helped at all that needs work doesn't it sorry if it's any consolation it's only Kyle doesn't matter let's talk about gifts cuz gifts are very important when you're in a relationship they show your partner how you feel about them this is interesting my girlfriend suggested last Christmas that we limit ourselves to 20 for each other's presents but I wasn't thinking about spending that kind of money obviously if you buy find gifts for a woman it's pretty easy just go for the classics you know champagne chocolates flowers unless you're dating an alcoholic Bic with hay fever I buy my girlfriend flowers every week cuz I really fancy the girl in the [Music] Florest I've told the girl in The Florist my girlfriend's dead I thought it was a good idea at the time it's slightly backfired you try explaining to your other half why you got a wreath four weeks in a row obviously different flowers Express different emotions so for example red flowers say passion yellow flowers say love and self-raising flower says make me a cake my nana my mom's mom used to make me a jumper every Christmas did anyone else have that she used to make me a jumper every Christmas much better than the ones in the shops no no it isn't I remember one year she may be this burgundy monstrosity sleeves way too long and in the front sheet embroidered blacks go home I said I'm not wearing that it's burgundy and the sleeves are too long you crazy racist her my girlfriend is without a doubt to the most beautiful girl I could get I'll cut to the chase on this people always ask have you ever cheated on your partner well yes it's it's happened there's nothing that I'm proud of but well it was last Christmas and I read all the Trivial Pursuit questions before we played and then I [ __ ] her sister which if anything made it worse she's forgiven me now though she told me me recently she said I'm fine nothing's wrong good I thought it was weird cuz she was crying so I said what's the problem and she said if you don't know I'm not going to tell you so I guess she's organizing some sort of surprise party are you all right in the back excellent it's nice to hear that cuz often when I go to comedy shows and I go to them all the time I love coming out to see Live Comedy the thing is though if I'm sat right at the back I'm a little bit disappointed I was get my ticket go for [ __ ] sake I'm [ __ ] miles away but there are of course advantages to being right at the back you get more of a sense of theater of people coming together and sharing a sense of humor what a wonderful thing that is the Great British musical spirit and also if you're right at the back this sort of thing won't happen I [ __ ] your mom that's not going to happen to any of you I've got nothing but respect for your moms they're hardworking decent women your m L me a tenner I'm joking owe her a tenner Bluff I'm your real dad kidding no one knows who your real dad is B isn't your mom there is it sorry ah this is a bit awkward uh hello sir she's brilliant in bed isn't you what sorry I don't remember her what that's the thing that annoys you not the fact I [ __ ] your mom the fact you don't even remember [ __ ] my mom there any single men in this evening anyone single you're single well don't Don't Panic I've got some advice for you if you really like a girl and you ask her out and she says to you I love you like a brother suggest a weekend in norol unless you're from norfol in which case it probably is your sister so are you from Norfolk you don't look like you're from norol I'm from fford in nor you're from fford in Norfolk and is that your sister girlfriend both so and you're here with your sister not really though Saturday night out I'll take my sister she's she's a looker have you ever with the how many asking do you think do you think your sister's attractive can I ask do you think she's attractive or not she okay she's okay did you give her one that was very low sorry what about you love I can't believe that he's from nor and he's brought his sister it could scarcely be better I'm amazed you didn't bring your mom did you split up I'm 10 years into a relationship now anyone beat that anyone longer than 10 years what's the longest we got in the room 13 26 26 anyone more than 26 28 more than 28 how how long sorry you you've been you've been together for 43 years I think come on 43 years now I obviously I don't know what it's like after 43 years I think that's an extraordinary commitment especially in this day and age that is quite something but I don't know if it's the same for you cuz I've only been together with my girl for 10 years but things have got quite predictable in the bedroom now when I lower my entire ball bag into her mouth she is pretty much guaranteed to wake up same oh you couldn't see that just went yeah same you look worried on their behalf they've be married 43 years don't panic they've tried everything what's your relationship with them what how do you know them and Dad that's your mom and dad that's nice well I hope the image of your dad teabagging your mom hasn't I hope I for one I don't know about looking your parents in the eyes again I don't think you'll be able to drink tea hi now for better for worse this is the question I use to judge an audience to judge individuals if you could all answer that would be great would you [ __ ] your dad to save your mom okay finally I need something you find in a kitchen a woman not 1974 find the kitchen a woman she'll have my tea on your mom who said your mom how old are you your mom the mom's in the kitchen she make you tea and toast if you're nice mom mom your mom that's what we're going for there okay right so we've got Henry VII Australian accent mind reading he's a creationist your mom should we leave it there genuinely that is The Improv I do that's my favorite bit the bit where people shout out suggestions the actual play bit at the end I always think is a bit [ __ ] I'm always suspicious they might just be making that up you actually look disappointed as an audience now you're like Oh I thought it was going to be really good the Aussie Henry VII and his mom oh yeah do you want to get married I can read your [ __ ] mind how shit's that your what sorry forgot your M I forgot your mom all right there's Henry the E [ __ ] your mom you helpy now that's your mom you happy can we miss out your mom is she getting [ __ ] by the king oh yeah all right Sheila yeah take it you [ __ ] yeah I know you like it I can read your [ __ ] mind you happy now now Dave and Susan they've been going out for years and years and years 10 years since College Susan went home for the weekend to see her parents they had Sunday lunch together they got a little bit tipsy over lunch nothing the matter without you would think lovely all the way up to Hull to see them got drunk over Sunday lunch somehow the topic of wife swapping came up and her parents for a joke said oh we were terrible for that back in the 70s oh keys in a bowl at a party oh terrible oh always doing it we don't know who your real dad is they said that to their daughter now she was fine at the time cuz she was drunk at her lunch but then on the train ride home she starts to feel a bit grimy and horrible and and eventually she works herself up into a real State she thinks well maybe it was a joke on me maybe they were joking but I was the butt of the joke maybe they did do that in the 70s maybe he's not my real dad oh God oh God she got into Dave and of course what Dave should have done is taken her his strong Loving Arms hey it's just a silly joke I'll pop the catle on I'll make you a cup of tea I'll run you a bath that is what he should have done that's not what he did that's not what he said what he said without skipping a beat I've killed an African child but what he said without skipping a beat straight St away uh who got your [Applause] mom go on what was the question what would you rather do suck off your dad or out your M [Music] wow yes I think if I'm not mistaken that's one of victon Stein's theorems um off his mom you'd suck off his mom he's done you he has done you I I I'm not from Perth so I may never have to make that decision [ __ ] hell you sound like you come from a very broken home I'm not suggesting you [ __ ] your mom but only because you wouldn't want to two time your sister there's a thin line between neighborhood watch and becoming a vigilante and it's a line you cross when you buy a cape do you know there's now a warning on superhero costumes if you buy a superhero costume it says on it this costume does not give you special powers or indeed the right to see your [Music] children kids say the funniest things please don't hurt mommy she's already dead are there any moms in by shouting out who's a mom proper ones not just ones that have done it to get a flat I'm kidding we all love moms you know moms are great they're the great unsung heroes of our society they do so so much for so little what do moms ever get all they ever get is you know not even a thank you just Mother's Day Mother's Day is rubbish isn't it it's like a Toblerone from the garage or some flowers from a lamp [Music] poost what I think it's all right to give your mom flowers you've taken from a lamp post where there's been an accident cuz if you think about it you wouldn't do that if she'd brought you up a little bit better it's her fault of course one of the major supermarkets is trying to redress the balance yeah there's just Mother's Day for moms but they've decided to have a mom of the Year competition mom of the year to sort of you know just reward ordinary everyday mums acknowledge you know all the good work mums do the only thing I would question about their charitable Endeavor is the massive banners they put outside every one of their Superstores saying enter your mom [Music] today I mean fair enough if she's up for that she deserves something might I suggest a call from Social Services sugary tea was my mom's cure for everything her like elixir of life if you had any kind of problem emotional physical Financial it wouldn't matter she would say come in I'll make you a nice sweet cup of tea which was fine until we found out my brother was diabetic has anyone in here being flashed go on what what happened Madam tell is it a funny story or is it distressing I was in a club and Somey flashed me in a club in a club and someone flashed you in the club are you sure you didn't golf with a man in a club I was kissing him under did his zip and then he flashed me what happened tell me tell me the story it was in the middle of the Dance Floor middle of the dance floor and he was throwing some shapes and one of his was no my friend told him that we were lesbians to get rid of him so to get rid of the guy your friend told him you were lesbians that's how these two started but then they liked it so they stuck with it and did did that work well she said we don't like [ __ ] and then she said we don't like [ __ ] so sorry so someone flat someone got his [ __ ] hat in the middle of the dance FL in a club and you went oh no sorry we're lesbians you could have just told him to [ __ ] off you're incredibly polite I'll make up an excuse so he doesn't feel bad I don't want the Flasher to feel rejected how nice of you and as anyone else being flashed arrested for flashing you got arrested for flashing well don't take it out on me what do you mean you got arrested for flashing well I I was going for a piss you were going for a piss this sounds like [ __ ] to me you were going for a piss why were you going for a piss get set the scene for us I've never met anyone that's flash go on he going for piss in a primary school a got in a car park okay outside in a car park outside you're going for a piss caught short late at night fine okay and uh I needed a piss so I went up against a tree you went up against a tree yeah turned out wasn't a tree it was a fat girl go on so you walked up to a tree to take a pee in a car par this doesn't sound terrible so far I'm on this guy's side go on so there was a woman in the trees there was a woman in the trees sounds like you've broken dogging etiquette by pissing on someone so you want up to take a piss on a tree and there was a woman in the tree she was walk she was walking there's a pathway she was walking okay and it was outside the police station and it was outside a police station what kind of a [ __ ] idiot are you you you went for a piss in the police station car park why don't you just turn yourself in that's a cry for help If Ever I heard one lock me up before I hurt someone and what did she scream did she complain what happened she went into the police station and uh they came out and arrested me for indecent exposure they came out and arrested you for indecent is it because you're a bit Ginger do you think they would have let you off if you hadn't been quite as I'm sorry about these lights as well we could well be giving you skin cancer I don't I think I'm on your side there if you're taking a piss that's not indecent exposure is it what do we think are we on this guy's side there one no stop pissing outside you crazy fool I got interviewed last week by a very nice young lady she said what's your house like I said I've got a semi which would have been fine but then I showed it to her and of course by then it wasn't a semi if you ask 10 randomly chosen women how often they wash their knickers a surprising number answer how did you get in here treat the mean keep them clean that's what they say isn't it treat the mean keep them clean but I think you've gone too far if you're using a Stanley knife of course a lot of women stay with their men even if their men hit them a lot of women will stay with their husbands even if their husbands beat them I tell you what they need a slap where's yours self-esteem silly cow she was Tiny of course the thing people never say about domestic violence and it strikes me as being just so very obvious but people never say this about domestic violence is just how [ __ ] stupid it is I mean you're hitting your wife it's your wife you might as well KY your own [ __ ] car think about it you don't like her now you're not going to like her anymore with two black eyes and a bit of a face on are you 97% of all dangerous driving offenses are committed by men you know what that means means 3% are committed by Bloody women drivers you know who you are you're a [ __ ] Menace well I'll tell you why I've asked you all to come this evening ladies and gentlemen I'd like to talk to you about men that like obese women I'm not talking about men that like women with a full of figure that seems entirely normal natural and right more cushion for the pushing as I believe people say I think that's the expression no I'm talking about men that like women who are can't leave the house fat so I'm not talking about anyone in here this evening unless in order to get out someone had to cut the side of the house off and there was some sort of winch involved I'm not talking about people with water retention I'm talking about people with cake retention people that tell you they've got a thyroid problem you say oh really a thyroid problem what are you taking for that pies you know the kind of girl that looks as if she makes a cracking breakfast but wouldn't want to share it with you I saw a thing on TV the other day actually it was on one of these kind of makeover shows that were on during the day they did a makeover on a girl she was 34 Stone it's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic I say a makeover they gave her a fringe is that really going to turn the corner for a girl like that that's what I'm asking I don't think it will I can't imagine the scenario where a guy you know he's drinking in a bar he looks across he sees a girl she's 34 Stone be tough to miss her let's face it he thinks to himself she's a little bit big for me goes back to his drink meanwhile the makeover teamer in snip snip snip he looks back he thinks actually I would it's the excuses that get me the excuses are amazing the camera adds £10 stop eating [ __ ] cameras my crisps tasted rubbish oh oh no you didn't oh no you didn't I became Latino there for a second no you're there yeah I did I had crisps did you see I had crisps Jimmy con Cary crisps the good people are walkers for comic relief they brought out a flavor in my crisps and it was me and Al and Frank Skinner and Steven fry and then they made these Chris and every packet they sold they gave 5 to the starving people in Africa and I said to them why don't you just send them the [ __ ] crisps it's got to make more sense hasn't it cuz they can't be as fussy about the flavors if you're starving you're fine aren't you well these are a bit no fair enough I bought my girlfriend a book called cheap and easy vegetarian cooking which is ideal for her because not only she a vegetarian she's reading a book at the moment called women that love too much which I think could have the title shortened to [ __ ] the reason old men use Viagra is not because they're impotent it's because old women so very ugly ladies if you get a burning sensation when you pee it could be one of three things could be cystitis could be a bushire or it could be someone's talking about your vagina you're sniggering what's your name long lady leave alone Move Along why are you saying Vicki dance for me monkey boy is he your fellow what do you mean he's either your fellow or he isn't is he is he your fellow yeah sorry she's saying yes and you're saying no and kind you just look you've gone really red and you look really embarrassed [ __ ] budes they're [ __ ] buddies oh I see what how very modern how very 2005 so you're not going out with each other but you are [ __ ] buddies that is fantastic can we just all take a moment to you know congratulate that man there he's a lot of work has gone into that a lot of work has gone into that he's at to BU a cosmopolit for a couple of years my parents sorry my parents been a and they'll know that you're a dead little [Applause] hussy the great thing about that is that he's convinced you that yeah we don't need a relationship it's so it's so oldfashioned I should be able to sleep with whoever I want to sleep with and so should you as long as it's just me when I say there must be something else going on yeah there'll be a lot of jokes it's not every day I get to talk to a slag come on now I don't know where the Mark is until I overstep it that's my you just did that is juvenile that sorry for those of you that didn't see that it'll be on the DVD available at all good car boots Vicki's response to that yeah she's been called a slag at a show that's not good in anyone's book and I apologize for that unreservedly but did you really need to do that [Applause] God bless you have any of you seen my Impressions have you seen any of my Impressions before I don't do many I do I do a few um I I'll do one for you now um are there any um are there any lesbians in does anyone enjoy smashing pasties are there any lesbians there must be some lesbians surely what is there a pool tournament on where are the lesbians you up there somewhere oh there there's some lesbians up there there lesbians over here hello girls how are you you're all right very nice to have you in the impression that I do that it's more a piece of physical theater than an impression per se but it's the um hang on the cameraman's coming to get the lesbians it's it's it's more a piece of physical theater than an impression but it's actually it's it's the breakup of a same-sex relationship between two women and I think it captures the emot turmoil and the anguish When Love breaks down when you still love that person but you're no longer in love with that person and you've got to go your separate ways would you like me to perform with for you now okay just give me just give me a second what did you think was going to happen I feel Duty bound now what's your name Madam sh what sh sh shiral okay fine shal we'll go and who who you with who's who's the other half Rosie hi I feel Duty bound to ask you the question I've asked every lesbian I've ever met what would it take to get you back on solids oh I got a BBE yes I'm two bardi breezes away come on when I was at school a girl called Alice wanked off a dog for three cigarettes I know what you're thinking how did a dog get cigarettes once I once I text with an Australian girl she said midus whilst [ __ ] she said have you slimed yet have you slimed yet I thought it's not [ __ ] Ghostbusters I fantasize about having sex with the gymnast not just because they're really bendy and flexible and you could do loads of extraordinary positions but also because I imagine they do a brilliant Dismount they end up by the side of the bed like that and if they bend their knees even just a little bit you can make them do it again if you like fastpaced edgy onliners get ready to be happy I'm announcing a new tour it's called Jimmy car laughs funny and I'll be touring all around the world come and see me if you don't like fast-paced edgy jokes then it's not for you um you know get some perspective maybe uh they're just jokes

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 273,549

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Id: SWJUT2BWi3A

Length: 44min 50sec (2690 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 25 2023