>> Stephen: WELCOME! THANK YOU! >> Stephen: I WILL GET BACK TO
THE MOVIE IN JUST A SECOND. DO YOU PICK UP THE GUN? DOES JENNIFER PICK UP THE GUN? >> I'D LOVE TO. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
CUT THROAT TO ANYBODY? >> I WOULD GO THROUGH A LOT OF
REGULATIONS BEFORE DOING IT. AND IF I WAS ON A NO-FLY LIST, I
WOULD NOT. >> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY
RIGHT. YOU ARE KNOWN AS ONE OF THE MOST
RELATABLE PEOPLE OUT THERE. >> HE SAYS ON TELEVISION. >> Stephen: NO, IT'S
ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I'VE TALKED TO A LOT OF PEOPLE
OVER THE YEARS WHO ARE PROFESSIONALLY FAMOUS AND
SUPPOSEDLY RELATABLE. BUT YOU ACTUALLY SEEM LIKE A
HUMAN BEING. >> OH, THANK YOU! >> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY BEING
A HUMAN BEING? >> I DO, YEAH. >> Stephen: THEY'RE NOT
PERFECT. >> NO. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? >> Stephen: NO, I'M SAYING YOU
DON'T MIND SEEMING LIKE YOU'RE NOT PERFECT. >> I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE. >> Stephen: YOU COULD. PEOPLE HAVE PUBLICISTS. >> OH, I DO. >> Stephen: ARE YOU NICE FOR
YOUR PUBLICIST? >> NO. I DON'T THINK SO. SHE'S A NIGHTMARE. (LAUGHTER)
I'M KIDDING. I HAVE BEEN WITH HER SINCE I WAS
16. >> Stephen: REALLY? YEAH. WE'RE LIKE SISTERS. >> Stephen: YOU ARE HERE WITH
YOUR FOLKS TONIGHT. >> I KNOW. >> Stephen: IT'S SO NICE. THEIR FLIGHT GOT DELAYED. SORRY. I WOULD HAVE BROUGHT THEM,
ANYWAY. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE BEEN HERE
FOR 45 SECONDS AND I FEEL LIKE I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT ATTACK
YOU. >> I HAVE BEEN DROPPED BY MY
PUBLICIST, MY PARENTS WILL BE GONE BY THE TIME I GET BACK
THERE. THEY'RE FROM KENTUCKY. >> Stephen: BUT YOU'RE FROM
KENTUCKY, TOO. >> I AM. HAD A DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT
I HAD A SOUTHERN ACCENT, I COULDN'T GET OUT OF IT AND I WAS
ON SET. AND I'M, LIKE, I CAN'T GET OUT
OF MY ACCENT, I DON'T KNOW WHY! BECAUSE I LOST IT WHEN I WAS A
TEENAGE SNORE WHEN DOES IT COME BACK? >> I AM TOLD BY BOYFRIENDS WHEN
I'M YELLING, AND THEN PROBABLY MAYBE WHEN I'M DRINKING. BUT I DON'T THINK I HAVE ONE
ANYMORE. >> Stephen: NO, YOU DON'T
SOUND LIKE YOU HAVE ONE. >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: YOU SOUND LIKE
YOU'RE FROM DISTRICT 12. >> WHAT'S THAT I? >> Stephe
>> Stephen: I HAVEN'T THE SLIGHTEST IDEA. I'M A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN. WHY WOULD I KNOW? THAT'S KIND OF CREEPY. (APPLAUSE)
THE NEW MOVIE YOU'RE DOING WITH DAVIDO RUGSLE, THIS IS YOUR
THIRD MOVIE, RIGHT? >> YEAH. >> Stephen: WHAT'S HE LIKE TO
WORK WITH AS A DIRECTOR? IS HE A TUMPY-FEELY, LET'S GET
TO KNOW YOU KIND OF DIRECTOR OR A SHOUTY DIRECTOR? >> NO, HE SHOUTS BUT NEVER IN
ANGER. HE'S JUST BIG AND ANIMATED BUT
HE NEVER SHOUTS FROM ANGER. >> Stephen: DO YOU LIKE THAT
THAN OTHER DIRECTORS WHO COME IN AND SAY, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I
THINK? >> NO, I WORK MUCH BETTER WITH
HIM BECAUSE I GREW UP WITH SPORTS. IT'S MUCH BETTER WHEN IT'S,
THAT'S BAD! BE BETTER! INSTEAD OF, I FEEL LIKE THE
CHARACTER -- I'M JUST, DO YOU WANT ME TO TALK LOUDER,
SLOWER -- >> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO HUNKER
DOWN AND GO DOWN AND OUT AND I WILL HIT YOU! >> YEAH, EXACTLY. GET THIS RIGHT OR WE DON'T BREAK
FOR LUNCH, YEAH. >> Stephen: YOUR KENTUCKY
ACCENT JUST CAME BACK. WHEN YOU DO SPORTS IT COMES
BACK. (LAUGHTER)
YOU'RE PLAYING A GUY -- A GUY. YOU'VE GOT THAT RANGE. (LAUGHTER)
JOY MANGANO, RIGHT? WHO INVENTED THE MIRACLE MOP. (APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: IS THAT A TRUE SNERN. >> YES, BASED ON JOY MANGANO. IT'S LOOSELY BASED ON HER LIFE
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO DO A STRAIGHT BIOGRAPHICAL BUT ALL
THE CRAZY PARTS ARE BASED ON HER AND HER LIFE. >> Stephen: SHE MAKES MILLIONS
OF DOLLARS OFF THIS INVENTION. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: SUPER RICH. YEAH. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT OF ANYTHING TO INVENT? >> TAPING YOUR APPLE TV THE
REMOTE TO A WOODEN SPOON DEVICE, DISCUSS THAT COUNT? >> Stephen: YEAH, SURE DOES. THEN YES. >> Stephen: WOW. WE ONLY HAVE 60 LEFT. CALL NOW. (LAUGHTER)
ROBERT DE NIRO IS IN THIS. HE WILL BE MY GUEST WEDNESDAY. ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS YOU
WANTED TO ASK HIM BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE JUEVOS TO ASK HIM? >> HE'S A SOFT SPEAKER. I SPEND THE WHOLE TIME SAYING,
WHAT?! WHAT?! HE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE THE OLD
ONE. >> Stephen: THAT'S AN ACTOR'S
TRICK. >> I KNOW. BUT I THINK IT'S REALISM. ASK HIM IF THERE IS A DIFFERENCE
IN HIS CUCUMBER MARTINI BETWEEN SHAKEN AND COLD. THAT IS WHAT HE SAYS -- REALLY,
REALLY, EXTREMELY, VERY COLD. AND EVERY TIME HE ORDERS THEM,
IT'S, LIKE, CAN YOU FEEL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING SHAKEN
IN ICE AND BEING SHAKEN IN ICE FOR A LITTLE BIT LONGER? IT'S WHY I DON'T INTERVIEW
PEOPLE, IT'S A TERRIBLE QUESTION. I DON'T KNOW. CAN WE QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME? >> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY. I CAN'T THINK OF MY
QUESTIONS! (LAUGHTER)
>> Stephen: YOU AND AMY SHIEWMER ARE BUDDIES. >> YES. >> Stephen: SHE SAYS SHE LOVES
BEING WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE THE IDEAL HOTTEST VERSION OF HER
SHE CAN THINK OF. >> IT'S, LIKE, YOU'RE NOT UGLY
ENOUGH AND I'M NOT HOT ENOUGH TO PULL THESE JOKES OFFER. AND SHE'S, LIKE, I KNOW I'M
GORGEOUS, BUT I DO IT IN STANDUP, AND IT WORKS. I'M, LIKE, I DON'T THINK IT
MAKES SINCE. SHE HAS A SWEET LITTLE ASS, A
GREAT (BLEEP). >> Stephen: YOU SEEM LIKE A
NICE PERSON. >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: BUT, AGAIN, YOU'RE
WILLING TO TALK ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE UNGLAMOROUS. YOU WILLING TO TALK ABOUT THINGS
THAT AREN'T GLAMOROUS. LIKE I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT VERY
SICK MAKING THIS FILM. >> I DID. I GOT A STOMACH VIRUS. I WAS PUKING. I HAD TO MAKE OUT WITH SOMEBODY. (AUDIENCE REACTS)
AND I WOULD START PUKING AND DO MOUTHWASH AND BE, LIKE, ARE YOU
READY? LICKING MY CHOPS --
>> Stephen: THAT'S HOW YOU WIN A GOLDEN GLOBE. (LAUGHTER)
>> I'M A BIG-TIME PUKE SNORER. >> Stephen: REALLY? YEAH, I'M LIKE A SHOW PONEY. I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE AND I KEEP
GOING UNTIL MY BODY IS LIKE IF WE DON'T MAKE HER BARK OR PASS
OUT, SHE WON'T STOP. I GET LINDSEY LOHAN-GRADE
EXHAUSTION BUT WITHOUT ANY DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. I'M ALWAYS IN BED EARLY. >> Stephen: ANYTHING WE CAN
LOOK FORWARD TO IN THE NEXT FEW MINUTES? >> I NEVER KNOW.
