January 6th Insurrectionists Charged While Ted Cruz & Marjorie Taylor Greene Push Wild Theories

i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show thank you for watching thanks for coming i tell you what i think you agree with me guillermo it's so good to be here with my tv show fam you know yeah you know this uh morning i'm driving to work uh like this and i'm in my neighborhood we have very tight streets in my neighborhood like if a garbage truck is coming through you just take the day off you go home and forget about it but it was pretty clear today and uh so as i go down the hill i see a guy in his car he's behind the wheel he's having a conversation with a woman who's standing on the street in front of her house and so i slow down i squeeze between them with my car they're still talking and i stop he's here and uh in the car and she's there on the street i stop my car and i roll down the windows and i go what are you guys talking about they looked at me very confused and then i started laughing and drove away but that's you know what that is how i amuse myself now that we can't go out to dinner with friends anymore president biden had a bad day you know that vaccine mandate he rolled out last year the one that required companies with more than 100 employees to get their workers vaccinated or tested regularly well that was struck down by the supreme court today the conservative majority ruled that biden's mandate went too far and our individual right to get covet from the worst person at work has been preserved by the way you know who instituted america's first vaccine mandate george washington is true he required all soldiers in the continental army to be inoculated against smallpox and this is before there was an fda to make sure drugs like that were safe it's a good thing john roberts wasn't there to weigh in on george washington because washington would be dead right now coveted cases are up and president biden's approval rating is down according to a new quinnipiac poll only a third of americans approve of the job biden is doing which is a new low at this point he may want to actually consider changing his name to brandon 33 is low put it in perspective 33 that's entourage movie rotten tomatoes score level though and this is his turtle graham potus gave an update on where we stand pandemic wise today and laid out his plan to increase the availability of tests we're on track we're on track to roll out a website next week where you can order free tests shipped to your home wow 50 or you think he knows about amazon because he's a little too excited about shipped to your home and while he's working hard to get more tests he's also trying to curtail the spread of virus misinformation i make a special appeal to social media companies and media outlets please deal with the misinformation and disinformation that's on your shows it has to stop well if that doesn't stop it i don't know what will it he asked very nicely the good news i guess is that the january 6 storm trumpers are finally getting rounded up the justice department today charged 11 people with seditious conspiracy for their roles in planning the attack on the capital sedition is a very serious charge it's similar to treason the definition of seditious conspiracy is essentially two or more people conspiring to overthrow the government by force you know your mother used to say if your friend jumped off a bridge would you jump too these are the people who answered yes so one of the men charged today is a gentleman named stuart rhodes he's the leader of a group called the oath keepers that's he's like a cross between captain hook and captain crunch he's long short silver there but rose he lost his eye um interesting story he accidentally dropped a loaded handgun and shot his so rhodes is no rhodes scholars what i'm saying but the charges were a bit of a surprise because apparently it's difficult to prove sedition although he did say that anyone opposing donald trump should expect quote a bloody bloody civil war so how hard could it be really i mean the oath keepers and their one-eyed snake aren't the only ones who support trump over the country congresswoman marjorie taylor green and senator ted cruz aka clan mom and the blob fish are continuing to push these bananas conspiracy theories about who was responsible for january 6 and their latest thing is one of the writers or alleged writers was a guy named ray epps he was they say he was really an fbi agent in disguise as an idiot who tricked trump supporters into ransacking the capital which is would be quite an episode of punk that's we are living in historically stupid times lies turn into rumors rumors turn into investigations congressmen and women are spreading them on purpose did you know major the white house dog isn't a german shepherd he's a russian kgb agent he works for putin he's pulling all the strings from under grandpa joe's feet it's totally true by the way according to a new study the um average american this is where we're getting these theories who spends one-third of our waking hours on a mobile device what am i the only one who thinks that sounds slow i don't know pretty sure i was playing mortal in my sleep last night but we uh we are on our phones all the time we also downloaded 230 billion apps i have at least half of them on my phone right now but this is an app-based device that i won't be loading it's called more mor it's a patch men can put in their nether parts to make them last longer during lovemaking you sync the patch to your phone and it somehow sends a signal to your testicles that says hang on guys slow it down looks great it looks like honey hang on let me adhere my patch before we make love this is uh we went on the website to investigate this this is the ceo of the company that sells this package and boy if that isn't a photo that says i'm not just the owner i'm also a client i don't know put that back up there let's stare at him for a little while because i think you could yeah you really get hypnotized you know i get that this is a real problem for some people guillermo this is a problem you have right no no oh but i'll tell you something you know what works even better and is a lot cheaper and doesn't require an app at all if you want to last longer in bed ted cruz bed sheets they're in portland a collegiate baseball league is doing some damage control right now thanks to their new mascot the pickle the portland pickles are investigating what they are calling a disturbing image posted to their twitter page that appears to show mascot dylan's well pickle yeah we're not going to show you the photo on tv we're going to show it to you yeah well we can and we are going to show it to you and this is the disturbing image new phone who dis whoever posted it says no no pickles giving a thumbs up oh put that thumb up here that doesn't look like a thumb to me that looks like the last thing miss piggy saw on her wedding night anyway i hope they get that train now this country is disgusting but we are we've been doing our part to clean it up for many years and it's now it's thursday night that means it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not it's time for this week in unnecessary censorship the portland pickles are investigating what they are calling a disturbing image posted to their twitter page that appears to show mascot dylan's well yeah i gotta know what does that taste like well i didn't get a full taste but i can tell you this there's going to be some torn up in indianapolis deny baby everybody it just really upsets me that our state has become represented by these people who don't me dr anthony fauci says omicron will just about everybody in the u.s you've advocated that your infallible opinion be dictated by law get well god bless me with a big right now it is a lovely day check out this from camp hill we couldn't stall any longer it was time to go yeah i just needed someone here who would gently [Music] be fair [Applause] thanks for watching remember every 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Channel: Jimmy Kimmel Live

Views: 1,188,935

Keywords: jimmy, jimmy kimmel, jimmy kimmel live, late night, talk show, funny, comedic, comedy, clip, comedian, mean tweets, Monologue, Guillermo, Live Audience, Hollywood, Los Angeles, Omicron, Covid-19, Pandemic, Variants, Car Story, Driving, Supreme Court, Vaccine Mandates, Covid Party, Joe Biden, POTUS, Approval Rating, Oath Keepers, Ted Cruz, MTG, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Qanon, Tupac, JFK Jr, Phones, Portland Pickle, Mitch Mcconnell

Id: 4yaTurW_UYw

Length: 9min 20sec (560 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 13 2022