My preacher husband treated me like a dog in our marriage, he saw no value in me - Kiara | Tuko TV

he chased me around the house um pushed me down you know um he starts kicking me everywhere from my stomach my back my butt area just kicking me um and then he bends down just start hitting me in my face and that was probably one of my lowest moments at the beginning of the marriage i always felt as if no they really didn't understand they really didn't understand me and what i was going through or how to handle the situation properly because i could have lost my life at any time there were times where i i just didn't even tell them about situations where i got hit you know or um push choke slap whatever i remember one day i could have almost lost consciousness because of how hard i was pushed against the wall and there was a hot iron still on from him doing his clothes and it had just missed my face in my body and i'm just like i can't do this and i started to be scrutinized and ostracized by a lot of church members as well in different congregations where i didn't even feel comfortable after the separation and divorce going to certain congregations because certain people look at you funny right you know where it's like oh you know you're going to hell you know because it's like i'll i'll go to hell and then i'll see him there yeah and i'll probably go see you there too yeah i was soaked i got i it was to a point that's how tired i was of the abuse and that marriage i was willing to go to hell i got comfortable with hell i was like fine [Music] hello welcome to tucker talks my name is lynne googie now my guest today is here so that hundreds of young women do not make the same mistakes she made and she is not ashamed of her story because she says only by confronting your past will you be able to move forward so without further ado please allow me to let her introduce herself hello ma hi hi how are you i'm good welcome to tuco thank you thank you for having me yes please introduce yourself uh so yes my name is kiara aka the queen key on youtube um and i am here in the beautiful nairobi kenya and i got to the continent a few months ago i am here uh what started to be or what was originally supposed to be a career uh journey has now turned into both a career slash spiritual self-development journey and so just finding myself discovering myself discovering the land and also giving a new narrative to uh the continent that we desperately need um you know yeah yeah are you are you loving it are you loving this place i'm loving mama africa yeah in general um you know i come from tanzania and now i'm here in kenya before i actually go on to tanzania and other countries so i'm loving it here i'm loving kenya i'm loving the motherland yeah and to see you sitting here and smiling and being this vibrant it's hard for people to imagine that you have been through the most in life first allow me to take this opportunity and say thank you because you are willing to share your story with us but because i also understand the reason you are sharing your story is because you want to impact someone else's life so take us through your story miss quinn oh wow thank you so much yeah yes uh definitely i hope to touch someone um in some way just even if it's just to give them hope and courage to know that um you don't have to be stuck in a low place uh just because you went through you know a few things and so i'll start with my childhood was in south florida i'm originally from south florida south florida native and that's where i was born and raised broward county and um my brow day county and i would say i had a decent childhood for the for the most part you know um raised by my mom my grandma you know my grandma kind of had to step in at some point because my you know my mom and she had her own situation with a guy she was dealing with and so we definitely got that good old raisin by the grandma me and my sis i'm the baby girl out of two uh two older sisters yes and i'm going into adulthood i actually found this faith when i was 19 called church of christ and um that was really big for me that was the first thing that i ever dedicated myself to that uh i gave myself to and i follow all of it because they have a very uh unique doctrine um they're not like most just churches you walk into they don't work like that they're actually very strategic in the way they do things and they only believe in the apostles doctrine and no instruments and different things you know no women usurp an authority over men and all of that type of stuff and so i was in that and i just thought that was the best thing in the world shortly after i joined that faith it was definitely something that that kept me and kind of helped me not gonna lie you know because i could have just not had any type of faith and who knows you know what would have happened so even though it wasn't the best organization it still kind of prevented some other things that could have been detrimental for me and i also um lost my dad that that you know probably a year or two after that a year after that i believe i lost my dad and he passed away to some illnesses and that was very hard because i watched him pass away pretty much and that was another turning point in my life and i met my spouse at the time and it started off all right you know there was a few red flags here and there that i was ignoring because i never really had that father figure i had some good men in my life i had my grandpa at the time before he passed a great man loved my grandpa so much so i ignored some red flags uh there was uh while we were recording one another because he was also in the in the church i met him visiting i met him at a congregation at a local congregation at the time in broward and man you know i i felt like i needed this person and sometimes we as young women you know when we don't know any better you know um if we feel like this person could give us even just a little bit of something we we give and we feel like we need that and and you know it's unhealthy and even my mother you know she had a man that led her she's married now to a great man and she's doing very well and i'm so proud of my mother and i'm happy but before she was with a dude for 20 years that led her a dog life you know he was horrible so let me speak on that as far as speaking on childhood me and my sisters hated this man we hated him you know he did things he wasn't supposed to do to even my oldest sister you know um he had my mother doing things that she had no business doing when it came to drugs and alcohol you understand what i mean you know um gosh he was he was the worst he was like he was a nightmare yeah you know and and i resent my mom a lot for bringing this man into our life from when i was younger um but she was also young and didn't know any better she was a young 20-something-year-old girl with three girls trying to make it and she yeah she's always catching buses she was a hard-working woman before this man so a man come to you you were young 20 something year old girl with three young girls and he's offering you he's a big time drug dealing dude you know he did his time for it you know this ain't snitching you know he did his time but he was a big time drug dealer guy at the time so you know he's coming and selling you a dream you gonna take care of me and my girls and i don't have to struggle no more i'm taking them i'm good i'm taking it you don't know if this man a pedophile you don't know where the hell he come from you know which he did some one of my oldest sister but you know she nipped it in the book real quick but you know he was he wasn't right and so when i um i couldn't recognize certain things within myself you know there was obviously a lot this isn't just the point fingers you know obviously there was still a lot that i didn't know for myself as to why i even fell for something that was so unhealthy and toxic but i saw my mom do it she she gave herself such a big heart my mother has such a huge heart just a loving woman i'm going to cater to this man that's all i know it's just to cater cater cater no matter what drama he's giving me no matter what toxicity he's giving me this is what i know and we see that so we're gonna do that right i did the same thing what were the red flags the uh rage like uh he would have these rage these outbursts of rage and anger you know especially if a conversation wasn't going his way or if there was a disagreement or whatever argument or whatever the case we'll be in the car and you know we'll be discussing something and i may not you know i'll say well maybe we should do it like this or why go that way or you know just regular people having a talking you know not even yelling and next thing you know we're driving on the highway i-95 wherever and he goes into this rage and i don't know how many car accidents i almost got into with this guy because of you know his rage it doesn't matter where we are where we're not whether we're in the house whether we're in the car it doesn't matter where we are when that that switch flips it's a wrap he has no control no control over anything you just gotta wait until it dies down and you just gotta hope for the best while you're in the middle of that rage and so these are some of the things that i saw and i remember talking to a church sister at the time about it and you know um gosh sometimes i wish i listened to the sister more because she just had so much common sense like don't you think that's not right like he got you saw okay so you saw him do that and you know what is it what is that telling you and i'm just like no no i love him and you know and no it's okay and i'm trying to do everything by scriptures right we're supposed to be we're supposed to be like christ right we're supposed to be forgiving we're supposed to uh like seven times what is the 70 times seven that's scripture like how many times i know i'm not going to give up on him i always saw the best and not just him and everybody right and give the benefit of the doubt but in real sense you are making excuses for his behavior yes i was and so those are some of the red flags he i did i did get hit prior to the marriage before because it was an abuse of marriage of course and i'll speak on that i remember one night it was like a family event going on or something and there was a situation where i was given some of my resources and my time and i was there i was just a girlfriend we weren't even engaged yet but i was trying to help out and do things and i just didn't feel that it was uh it was really i felt it was being taken for granted and i remember speaking to him on hey well i'm trying to do this can you you know help me or something of that nature i remember asking for his help or something and expounding oh i mean i should be able to have a voice right i should be able to talk to humans should be able to talk without fearing one is gonna get hit you know and i didn't notice at the time i just knew about his anger and his rage but this was the first night that i actually got hit by him and um i remember that he he's the type where you know he doesn't just hit he would keep going and i remember running and trying to stop him and he's like you better you know get the hell out of here kind of thing and that was the first time i i said wow like this this guy is capable of putting his hands on me because i had never had anybody put their hands on me before like not not a man not in a relationship and so um yeah yeah still marrying him you went ahead and married him yeah yeah once we actually got married because we were only together for about that that for that year a couple months almost a year and then we got engaged and we got married at the end of the year of 2011. and oh my goodness the first week the first week this this blew my mind i think this probably was one of the worst and he was we had got into a disagreement that night before bed or it was something and he locked me out of the room because of a disagreement or we were i don't even know we were just talking most of the stuff is always starting with just discussions of communication and i remember him being annoyed i guess he felt you know he had this control issue too so if i'm annoying him well then let me get her the hell out of the room so he would kick me out of the room i remember we were still living in a house that he had inherited at the time so there was a room across from us that was empty so i'm locked out of my own room with my new husband and it was within the first week of us even being married and i'm sleeping in the room and i wake up early because i hear him up now and i'm trying to discuss last night i just felt low there was a lot of moments where i felt like an animal kind of low i mean this was kind of one of them because as a woman you don't want some man pushing you out of your own room over a disagreement and locking you out of your own room it's like who the hell does that and so i'm trying to talk to him he's getting ready to go to a bible study for men's like on a tuesday or something and i'm just like you're about to go to church for a man's bible study but you just treated your wife like a dog last night you know like i don't think that's something i'm thinking this in my head of course i didn't say this but i'm trying to discuss things with him and because he just doesn't want to be bothered you know um i think i even took the keys i had the keys i'm like you know i don't want to say his name but i'm like you know let's talk about this you know like something it just didn't feel right in my spirit that to be treated a certain way next day you know he goes into a rage because i have the keys and i give him the keys because i see he's getting angry it's too late he chases me around the house pushed me down you know he starts kicking me everywhere from my stomach my back my butt area just kicking me and then he bends down start hitting me in my face and that was probably one of my lowest moments at the beginning of the marriage and i just was so grateful his brother was home because his brother ran out and grabbed him and was like you know you never seen daddy you know he cursed you know you've never seen daddy do no s like this you know what are you doing you know get off of that girl like you've never seen daddy do like this like why are you hitting her you know and i just remember um i didn't know how to make every every situation was a divorce to me you know like oh i wonder if he's gonna leave me i'm sitting there wondering if this man is gonna leave me for his actions you know and what he did and so i would always try to clean up myself clean up the place cook something so by the time he comes back he could have dinner and he'll be okay you know um and then i always end up apologizing even if you are not on the road right and this was always the pattern and so that was one of the first incidents and we ended up going to our honeymoon like a week after that you know there was always something where we just couldn't get along and things and then obviously there were more moments he went off to afghanistan he went out to afghanistan the next year because he was military and he comes back during afghanistan you would think you know two people would miss each other right no there was always arguments there was always him not calling he would only call his mother and grandmother not call to check on me he would always freeze the money or you know take me off the accounts and things like that he would just do spiteful things you know for no reason most of the time and always over disagreements or us being we were young it was like 2021 when we got married so it was just like us growing and learning each other and then but this person with you know these issues you know of personality disorder or anger and rage you know issues and so that would happen a lot that was one of that was some of the worst times even when he was in afghanistan and when he came back from afghanistan i don't know who he was he came back if i thought he was a monster before he became double one he was freddy krueger jason all in one i didn't know who he was he wasn't even half of the christian man that i thought that i knew it was like a lot of the principles just kind of went out the door and at this time when he was coming back i had actually met because the person who married us the preacher who married us who i still love and respect so much um we ended up transitioning out of that congregation and we met this new set of leadership um and they actually became like fathers to me they were like dads um but i do feel that they dropped the ball a lot of times with how they handled situations when i would tell them you know this is what he's doing and you know even though they they have this philosophy where if it's you and a guy in a toxic marriage and he's putting his hands on you yeah they're going to talk to him and they're going to tell them about himself but they're also going to talk to you and they're going to give lynn what lynn needs you know so but what could you have said different or what i don't care and i don't i don't even use profanity yeah you know um i'm i'm i'm i'm an african girl you know i have a mouth but not a crazy mouth you know and i never use profanity or anything i was doing what i felt was taking up for myself like well you can't do this you know or you know hey honey i i have a problem with someone putting a hand on a woman or someone putting even a hand on a man and the first thing someone asks you is what did you do to get beaten up exactly like what did you do nothing warrants a man putting their hands or a woman no i didn't put my hands on him because i didn't believe it i could have done something but don't just don't hit me you know don't hit me i just have a problem with that honestly and it was it was usually always just me you know saying honey you know this is not right you can't do this a lot of times you know because he was young we had a lot of issues at the beginning of our marriage with girls okay i've i've i don't i don't been disrespected you wouldn't even believe i have been having to do investigations and figure out phone numbers and call the girls to try to figure out because of the church and go by a different set of rules you know infidelity that's automatic you know i'm i'm in the clear you know but even still when i had outs i never took them even scripturally when i had outs to be like oh where you were trying to go meet with this girl even on my birthday he tried to go see some girl and if these girls were willing ain't no telling and there's still ain't no telling the things that he probably have already done that i don't even know about you know and the girls would tell me yeah he did yeah he called yeah he called me this yeah he said yeah he called my kid his daughter yeah he's you know calling other people's kids his and what he want to do to the girl and let's meet up and all of these things while i'm in the house you know and while i'm also being abused you know um and i would try to discuss these things with the elders or i did you know and i really do feel i wish they handled it a little bit better you know um i always felt as if no they really didn't understand they really didn't understand me and what i was going through or how to handle the situation properly because i could have lost my life at any time there were times where i i just didn't even tell them about situations where i got hit you know or push choke slap whatever i remember one day i could have almost lost consciousness because of how hard i was pushed against the wall and there was a hot iron still on from him doing his clothes and it just missed my face in my body and i'm just like i can't do this you know i've had he there's times where he's bending twisted you know um my my arm you know in my wrist there's even a finger that don't do the same because of him you know and the things he used to do and i would have to beg i would have to beg him to please let me go it would hurt where i thought my arm was going to snap you know times where i'm bleeding i don't even know where's blood coming from i'm missing work you know i'm hiding from family i'm hiding this stuff from family you know um just we we we're losing furniture every time he's damaging everything every time just it's it was a lot there's moments where police had to be called i've never also called the police on him ever because that protection i always felt like i needed to protect him you know um and one thing i felt was i'm if he ever gets the police called on him or he ever ends up in the system it won't be because of me you know um they're in in the states it's like that it's like well i'm not putting my man i'm not putting my black husband in the system not me you know the neighbors have definitely called the police because they've heard things and when the police come i would lie everything's okay you know kind of thing and they obviously could see that he just threw my clothes he always had a pattern even the elders knew you know um we knew his patterns he'd get upset he'd tear up the place he leave probably go to his mama house somewhere hide out grandma house whatever for two days to come back um i knew that if i left and i came back with the elders my clothes may be all over the place stuff thrown everywhere outside like throw my stuff outside embarrassing because we live in an apartment complexes so people see you know they always hear it or since it was so embarrassing it was so degrading it was everything and we were still going to church so imagine having to get up every sunday because we worship every sunday now you go into worship and you feeling crazy looking crazy you know trying to hide everything um still trying to protect this man you know and every time we separated i always said no i'm going to fight for my husband i'm going to fight for my marriage always just now stupid now that i see it just wasn't smart but that's what i did at what point did you decide enough is enough i have to save my soul you know what's funny sometimes we women just get tired it's almost an unexplainable feeling i just grew tired i started um well first off just so you know the the abuse was not just physical it was mental it was emotional and it was spiritual okay i felt like nothing i didn't have an education at the time you know i didn't have anything in my name you know he was this whole military veteran you know he had a little education on him he was still getting his education you know he used to be a part of all these different things he was a song leader he was also a preacher at one point yeah one thing i forgot to it was he was a preacher uh we were in this little town i'm not gonna name a town in oklahoma where he got a preacher gig and he was a preacher for about 15 months imagine and there was an incident that happened there as well where he uh actually pushed me down while i was in the chair like this wooden chair in my face like smack with the towel and i'm so used to just i don't i don't even think no more i just act you know um because i know his patterns you know when he gets started he gonna keep going you know he doesn't know when to stop and i'm not just gonna sit so you run man so does he i hit that my face hit that floor i jetted to the front door and i know it seems funny you know what i was like but hey i got to get the hell out of here and i remember jetting out you know i saw a jet out and he would he'd come to the door he said you better you better leave you better get out of here don't you come back and and i'm thinking look at this preacher look at the preacher so even with him you know hitting me and putting his hands on me uh for six years this happened in the span of six years we were married there wasn't a year that went by it wasn't a month or a time where we didn't go through certain things i've had bruises you know um where i couldn't even sit you know i would have to be sitting like this for a week until i heal you know different things and and he would see because we would now i still gotta lay with this man ah you getting beat up and you still gotta lay with this man and he would see because i'm naked oh my i had a nickname it was puka you know oh puka daddy's sorry it would always be daddy sorry you know oh that's where oh daddy's sorry so uh the time where i realized that i was tired um we were actually was two incidents one we were actually in the car and he was doing nothing we were actually speaking about something and he we it was kind of a disagreement but not so much but uh i remember him saying well you know and kind of getting loud but he reached over on my side because he was trying to get something out of the glove compartment maybe or something and i jumped you know and i got scared and i got spooked and i had this flashback and he just looked at me and he's like whoa honey i'm trying to you know get something and i'm just like whoa you know and that's when i realized that i was developing somewhat of a ptsd or you know something where i don't even know where he when he's about to do something and this this happened multiple times but at this point when it happened i i couldn't talk to him about it how can i talk to my abuser about what's going on so i called one of the elders and i had to pretend like it was a friend and he knew better because he he been with us throughout the span of what five years where he knows us better and he's just like are you talking about you sister samuels and i'm just like yeah i'm talking about me explaining to him you know the flashback i had and how i thought he was about to hit and then we had one more situation that had actually happened after that because we were discussing maybe a separation because we were trying to get him to go to anger management and things of that nature and so he agreed at one point all right fine we'll do like a scheduled separation our lease is almost up we'll separate just four times like the scriptures say just four times to come back together so that neither one neither party is tempted it's in the scripture yeah for separating four times uh but then to come back together you know only four times so that neither one is tempted you know kind of the situation and so that's that's what the plan was originally so he could have that counseling and see what it's like to be alone and get that counseling and to be separated from the person that you supposedly laid your life down for you know maybe we were hoping this helped we were hoping this helped for him to see me in a better light and have you know see that i have value too yes and so um he got upset at some point he didn't you know he he was very wishy-washy he had a personality disorder one minute he'd be okay with something and the next minute he's not it was almost like he's a bipolar in a way and um so this one day he must have thought about it and was like you know i don't like this and you know he was just upset and angry and i was out doing laundry at a laundromat like down the street so you know i was back and forth and at this particular laundromat if you don't come get your clothes in time they'll they'll start taking your stuff out for you and wrapping it up and i don't want nobody you know touching stuff so i'm like hey honey you know he had the keys and i'm like you know i need the keys so i could go get the you know clothes let's talk about this when we come back kind of situation you know with him it's not i don't know it's right now you know and it's like damn honey you know i mean so you know he's ignoring me he's feeling whatever way he's saying whatever he has to keep sticking out his pocket i'll just try to reach for the key you know um and i did and he immediately grabbed my hand and he we had this half bathroom that was adjacent from the kitchen and he pushes me and slams me in the door and my feet lit i'm tiptoeing this is how this young man he's strong you know he army strong for real and he lifts me he has me by one hand lifts me feet like this off the floor my butt cheek is pressed against the doorknob of the bathroom and for the first time for the first time out of every time he's ever hit me choked me did whatever i didn't know i didn't know if this time he was going to actually let go he was so angry he was so upset he would not let go i was so scared liz that was probably one of the scariest moments with him i was like oh i'm about to die like i'm about to pass out this is this is it this is finally the moment where i've always thought which incident was going to take me out and by the grace of god right before he let go and i just fell to the floor and i picked whatever energy i had in me i found whatever might and i jetted to that room and i locked the door and i dialed 9-1-1 but lynn i couldn't press it i couldn't press in and i i cried i cried because i felt so pathetic that i couldn't even press person that this man had no regard and was probably about to take my life and i can't even press it to protect myself because i'm not gonna you know yeah and um he just came to the door was like uh sorry i asked that you forgive me as i'm just breaking down in tears and not wanting to have the police come and pick my husband up and that was the moment that was the moment that was the moment where i said yeah we we we're good we we we something has to happen and then we still live together you know i was just i was on the couch he was in the room um but we were preparing for separation you know um starting to separate bake accounts and different things of that nature and his his anger he got very nasty with me you know very nasty very upset because he didn't want it you know he wanted his marriage just the way it was where he had to control you know where he still had his wife and where he could do whatever the heck he wanted to do and i remember having that one last conversation with one of the elders we got it was the day that we were supposed to be paying the last portion of rent to start getting out of there that week he was so upset and um i had to leave out with the car i talked to one of the elders about the situation and the elders are telling me you know what to do and i came back and this man was putting my stuff outside and i saw the door cracked open and for the first time i called the police i said and because i was told to but he was like i said but i said brother so-and-so if i call the police i'm not getting him even still i said i'm not going to have the police arrest him i'm not going to send him to jail they said no baby not to send him to jail but have the police be there to help escort you to get your things and so that was the first time you know i had to call the police i just told them hey you know i'm here with my spouse he has a history of domestic violence um i just want the police to someone to be here to help me get my things because he's putting my stuff out right now and um and i knew that if he didn't see me the door was cracked open but if he would have saw me it probably would have been a wrapped in so i ran back to the car before he saw me and that was the first time the police had ever came and they helped me get my stuff out it was like august of 2017 i believe it was yeah and um we've been separated and then the divorce is final ever since that's that's the story of that and um and and that's not even in detail you know of every single incident i've ever been through every time i've ever been humiliated where he's locked me out of my own house half naked you know clothes thrown phone thrown somewhere just completely degraded you know um when you feel like you've been a good spouse to someone you know you were a good wife you know you i was always faithful never stepped out on him you know god fearing you you're trying to follow these scriptures these same scriptures could have got my head chopped off you know these same scriptures could have been one i'm not blaming the actual scriptures i'm not blaming an actual uh you know religion itself um even though i i'm not subscribed anymore to that organization you know or that religion i'm just not you just think they should have done better absolutely absolutely and we we've been through different congregations and there was one elder leadership that actually handled it a little bit better one that was actually even though in the scriptures or in the church of christ i don't believe in divorce there was even elders who didn't believe in divorce that was saying uh-uh you know because they was thinking about if i was their own daughter they had daughters and you know and which is so funny because a lot of the church leaders they talk a big game and they talk a bit gay when it comes to those scriptures but they also have daughters and if it was their daughter they started giving me the advice they would give their own daughters well hey to hell with it divorce divorce you know and i remember a lot of people and i started to be scrutinized and ostracized by a lot of church members as well in different congregations where i didn't even feel comfortable after the separation of the divorce going to certain congregations because certain people look at you funny right you know where it's like uh oh you know you're going to hell you know because it's like i i'll i'll go to hell and then i'll see him there yeah and i'll probably go see you there too yeah i was so i got i it was to a point that's how tired i was of the abuse and that marriage i was willing to go to hell i got comfortable with hell i was like fine it can't be worse than that unless it happens unless the devil unless the devil down there choking people that is what it is what it is yeah i got i got so comfortable with going i said take me to hell take me can you take me down all right but if you think i'm gonna stay in that you're sadly mistaken yeah and i would suggest a lot of young ladies um especially in the church because it could be dangerous yeah sorry to have to say this but the church can be a very dangerous place to have a marriage and a relationship when you go back and you're trying to talk to leaders and they don't understand the severity of the situation and they're putting you back in that home and they're putting you back in that situation and even if the person doesn't have the intent to kill you they could still make a mistake i've had at least two or three incidents where it could have been game over for me then how would those elders would have felt if he would have had to call 9-1-1 and you know or the ambulance would have had to come or he would have had to say brother so-and-so yeah they're they're saying that she's my breathing or whatever the case because i've had at least two or three incidents where it could have been game over yeah i thought i was close and it was scary and i just be brushing it off cleaning up the house after he jack it up cooking a meal and ready to say i'm sorry ready to get on my knees ready to you know what i mean to please to do whatever to have this man not divorce me for abusing me but what the hell did i pull the head i did nothing to warn him to ever put his hands on me and then of course you get conditioned if you ever take introduction like an introduction to uh what do you call it psychology and one of the first chapters they talk about how they condition the animal you know uh when the dog barks or something they zap it and then eventually you know wherever the situation may be the dog knows not to bark that's what i was that was a dog condition you're watching absolutely being conditioned to him and what he wanted and i didn't realize how much i actually went through on so many different levels until i started doing shadow work until i really started to analyze things talk talk to me about that you know your spiritual awakening and the shadow work that you have had to do on yourself yes i think really my shadow work may have started in the military but but even though i wasn't truly awakened or i wasn't conscious or coming to consciousness as i would say um because i don't ask me why i actually wanted to join the military and it was supposed to it was supposed to be the air force but i ended up joining the army long story and it was actually supposed to be me being a like a broadcast specialist so you know communication especially because you know i went to school for that yeah and um ended up being a human resource specialist you know the army does that too you have to use swearing and a job is available and all of a sudden the job is not available and you're like y'all got me they're like hey but they come with a bonus and you're like oh no it's like all right well there's one more thing i'll add to the resume why not so i ended up joining the military um probably not one of the best decisions that that i made but i'm still grateful for the experience um because what it did do was it actually was a blessing in disguise because it helped me to understand the hidden traumas that i had from my marriage and even some things from childhood but mostly a lot of the stuff i went through in my marriage because he's also a veteran he was also at um reserve military army reserve at the time and so as i was hospitalized twice in the military i was diagnosed with a major depressive disorder and anxious distress and i'd never owned it or claimed i didn't know what it was i didn't know the name for it i didn't even know i'm you know you just think you have in a day but somebody's telling you know you you're you you have major depressive disorder with anxious stress this is what we're diagnosing you with look at these symptoms you know i had a therapist like read this this is what you told me you don't even realize this is what you told me last week or this is what you're feeling and this is a healthy on a consistent basis and i had kind of two breakdowns in when i was in the military and i didn't have a really good unit and care in north carolina i didn't have a good unit at all and i'll tell you why they didn't handle problems very well they were always sweet problems under the rug so my first incident was with this sergeant okay and i will talk about the spiritual and how this relates to it but uh there was a sergeant who was like kind of verbally abusing you know some of the soldiers and i had an incident with him he this sergeant was modeling a lot of the behaviors from my ex-husband yeah and i i had a meltdown i had a breakdown and i was going through some things and they they weren't handling the situation properly they were allowing this man to ostracize me and continue the verbal abuse and different things and i had an incident where uh a master sergeant actually in the chaplain whoever a lot of them we were having these meetings and they saw me break down and i had to be evaluated and it wasn't good and i had to be hospitalized that was the first time i was hospitalized and it was very embarrassing you know you feel like you're this army strong you know i don't pass these tests and i did these you know different courses and you know you know like i and then but now mentally i'm broken down and the second incident was when um i was on my barracks room floor um and this is my first time ever talking about this with the knife um you know and cutting myself on my wrist um because that unit had became such a toxic place for me it was a lot of things that was happening not just to me but other soldiers and it became so toxic and when you're in the military in your government property in the states that's it if you're 17 18 19 and you're in there and a parent in the parrot calls and they want to know what's up or what's going on the parents don't have that right anymore you belong to that unit you belong to all of your leadership i didn't see a way out it was becoming very unhealthy for me so i was in like intensive counseling a lot and as i was doing that trauma work which is all that counseling was you know or the you know therapy that i was going to i did not realize that a lot of what i was going through and a lot of what i was reliving and a lot of the issues that i was having and was being pulled out of me was coming from past childhood traumas and traumas of my ex-marriage and so that was really the beginning of trauma work and i didn't really know but coming into consciousness earlier this year um that's when it got real um i actually it was religion that prompted it because there was a uh still in the church of christ i was still in church of christ at this time even after my divorce even in the military i was still going to congregations on sunday every sunday um that may have been around the base and um when i actually got out of the military i was medically retired beginning early earlier this year like literally the first month of this year and so i said i'm gonna start me a new life in dallas you know i had all these plans you know apartment tour you know i'm gonna put my degrees to use cause i had completed my master's degree while i was still in the military i don't even know how i was able to do all of these things i did i was just like how are you doing this kiara i was working as a guest educator at the time for irving school district in dallas and then next thing you know the corona situation happened so it shut everything down so now i'm home like everybody's home and um at this time nobody is meeting you know we have to keep to do the social justice but the scriptures the scriptures say you know do not forsake the assembly you know where there's two or more there am i in the midst you know jesus you know in the midst uh and so i'm like all right so how i'm gonna worship i have no spouse i have no kids you know we're shut down we can't touch each other uh be close to each other you know um how's this gonna work out you know i need to take the communion because i said like i said this this actual uh organization they worship every sunday they use the scriptures upon the first day of every week you know they break bread so you gotta do uh communion every sunday as well but then there gotta be two or more in the midst so jesus ain't there right liz that's the scriptures that's these are the scriptures that they use in church of christ zoom skype i don't know jesus i don't know if jesus come and zoom me in i don't know but so this is what happened i call up this elder from a local from a church of christ in dallas so i call up this elder and now i'm asking questions because i'm like you know i haven't taken my communion you know and i'm i said i've been to you guys this congregation before the shutdown i don't know if you know me i was sitting in the back i was a young lady blah blah blah you spoke with you know yeah yeah i said well you know i'm looking at the scriptures from what i know and i mean i've i know the scriptures you know um in different days my ex-husband was a preacher you know i'm like and i've been there done i know so what's supposed to happen to me elder so-and-so and he's like oh oh baby don't worry about it you know we've been using those scriptures for out of context for a while now just to get people to to show up i said wait a minute i said do you know who you're speaking with right now i said do you know what you're saying to me right now and what this means are you telling me that you have been taking the scriptures and using them out of context like do not forsake the assembly you're saying that's not for that that's not what that's for you know you're saying you're saying that the church of christ you're admitting improving what i've already been thinking that you guys are just taking scriptures any ones that you want that fit you putting them together to best fit you exactly i said so you're telling us i couldn't even hear anymore and he was just apologizing he was like i'm so sorry he said i just got to be so honest with you you know um but he still wanted me to come and pick up the communion and i'm like well ain't no need there's no need and um that was the beginning of my spiritual awakening my heart was actually very broken that all i could think about was i use this same organization i use these same scriptures the way that they model their bible studies is you know particularly to stay in something that was dangerous you know to live by a set of rules that was um very um how could i put it they kind of kept you caged in you know what i mean um and it was uh like mental enslavement almost that's when i started to do more studies um on different religions and you know true spirituality and that's how i came into what i practiced now which is just the god consciousness within us and um you know using different tools that come from nature that come from the earth like herbs and sage and crystals and different things and i'm still believing in the creator you know not an atheist or anything like that still definitely believe in the most high and the creator but i don't subscribe to actual religious uh man-made religions that have been um brought to us when we were uh colonized you know um with christianity pretty much or any other faith so that that's how that that's how i came to be who i am now as far as what i believe um it and it has helped me because of that we do a lot of shadow work and it's called inner work and it's just uh pulling out a lot of different traumas and in in healing from that to be better and to be a better you and to be a more healthier fulfilled you and to recognize and to know you more it's just knowing myself for me to know more of who i am i'm able to recognize certain things so if i even have a new encounter with someone now you know if you were someone else or another guy or anyone i'm able to recognize patterns about myself you know i'm able to catch myself or recognize when i'm doing something because i'm already working and healing on that yeah and it's helping to change and construct reconstruct my dna it's healing me it's healing my ancestors it's healing my future seeds and that that's how i came about with that it also allowed is what prompted me to leave to come to the motherland earlier than what i was originally scheduled to do and so yes wow yeah why was it so important for you to forgive your ex-husband regardless of all the things he has gone through it's important for me to forgive him because he's still a uh he's still he's still a human being you know he still has a spirit you know um we're all spirit bigs and um it's important it's important for him to know and we've actually conversed you know um even after the situation um because that was also part of my healing i needed to do that and to not be emotionally provoked because if you're speaking to someone or you're going through something and you're emotionally provoked by it that means there's still something within you that needs to be healed and so it's very important for me to forgive him because he still deserves to be forgiven he deserves healing and he also deserves to live his best life and and to his foot and do whatever he wants to do to his fullest potential i don't believe he deserves punishment he just deserves healing so many young girls are watching me right now unlike you they do not have the strength to come out unlike you they are still waiting for the moment they say enough is enough what advice would you like to give them even young men who are in abusive relationships absolutely um i would just say that it's not healthy it's not it's not a healthy situation to be in and um i would say find the strength to separate yourself now realize your worth and your value now because tomorrow is my promise and yes that's what i would recommend get out right now uh so that to rectify either to rectify the situation whether it be for them to separate and to do their healing and what what needs to be done to come back forth you know to come back or to realize that all right this person we need to go our separate race you know because i care about my safety i care about my well-being and this person needs uh healing and when you know better when you know better you definitely do better you do better don't don't don't settle for anything i would tell them don't don't settle for anything know your worth and don't take anything and do not put yourself in harm's way for anything and for no religion for no organization whatsoever yeah what advice do you have for the church because i feel like they play such a huge role in all this the advice i have for the church i would say that i would hope that the leaders pay more attention to the couples that are coming to them for advice and that are revealing and what's going on in their home and being transparent about what's going on in the home and that they need to they need to figure it out and take more action take better action against uh abuse that may be happening in marriages in the church i definitely believe that that's uh that's important yeah some people might want to reach out to you where can they find you because i know you have something going on on your youtube channel yeah so where can people find you well my youtube is the queen key it is uh the queen that's one word key k-i that's that's really it yeah so and then on my um youtube channel um if you type in the queen key you'll see my picture and in my descriptions i'll all i have my other means of social media and i also have my email which is kikisj89 gmail.com so that's k-i-k-i-sj89 gmail and feel free to email me reach out yeah if they have any questions right now i don't know which camera will get yeah this one yes so feel free to reach out if you just want to talk i know what it's like you have any questions um yeah don't let anyone play it down i've been playing it down for a while you know um and i've been hiding behind what i would call strength you know and smiles you know um and i know a lot of people in the church have probably seen oh they think oh she's blossoming after the divorce and this amount of the third no you don't know they don't even know what type of nights i've had i still had nights where i would blame myself i still had nights where i would even want this man back where i would think oh did i just did i just destroy my life you know still following scripture still thinking about oh but you know did i did i just destroy something that was supposed to be so amazing for me and absolutely not this is absolutely the path that i'm on and i'm supposed to be on and there's great things that i'm planning to do here on the continent different projects and things that i want to start as i told you before i now know that i am just a hundred percent monday descendant of sierra leone so i cannot wait to go to the villages there and meet my relatives and meet you know my family yeah queen what would be your parting shot to our lovely audience oh i just want to say thank you thank you so much to the tuco family for having me thank you so much lynn i appreciate you and what you you and your your crew and your tuco family does for acadia and you are doing amazing things i wish the best for you i see oh i see so much for you and you're headed for the stars thank you you're already there but um i just want to thank you thank you tsuku family uh i wish everyone well i said so much love peace and harmony and just so many positive vibrations out to everyone and yes and i this this was not to degrade anyone or talk down on any organizations it's just to tell the story and to as it is it is as it is thank you so much for joining us today on 2kotox i'm super honored to get to host you finally this has also been a learning experience for me you know and also adelaide maya angelou said when you know better you do better so no matter what you are going through right now always remember there is a chance for you to do to do better and on your story yeah i want to know what you guys think of today's episode my guest was super awesome and you know what we do go to her youtube channel subscribe listen to the kind of stories she's trying to bring out and don't forget to say lynn from tucker sent you let me know what you think of today's episode if you want to share your story with me my email is pinned on that comment section below my name is lynn googie till next time bye bye you

Channel: Tuko / Tuco - Kenya

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Keywords: kenya news, kenya, africa, african news, Kenya today, Breaking news, Latest News from Kenya, Kenya citizen news, Kenya latest videos, tuko.co.ke, tuko, ktn news kenya, ktn kenya, Tuko Talks, Lynn Ngugi, Entertainment news, news in Kenya, Current affairs, breaking news, Nairobi news, tuko talks, tuko news, tuko talks latest, tuko news latest updates, tuko stories, tuko kenya, tuko tv kenya, precher, kiara, relationship, relationship advice, domestic, pastor scandal

Id: tG8Deqs1RoA

Length: 57min 59sec (3479 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 06 2021