Is This Going To Cause An Argument with/ @ThatChickAngel and Marcus Tanksley #TheLoveHour

when a man is working out those feelings that's the vulnerable piece that is the vulnerability it's being able to say I don't have this figured out I don't really understand everything that I'm going through that I feel that I'm thinking but I want to have this conversation with you that is just that is the vulnerability and without those conversations that it you lack the closeness that we desire does that make sense I don't even know how we got here know just click for me why that's hard for men when you are a provider you don't want to ever appear as if you don't know what you're doing oh you haven't thought it through or figured it out so if I come to you with something that I have not worked out or a feeling or a fear my fear is that you're gonna be like you don't know what he's doing or he's not confident so I would rather wait until I have it all figured out and then presented to you and what you're looking for is the broken part of the plan and the fears that we have and the manly part of us is like I can't share that with you for fear of you thinking I don't got it all and I think that's not you know and it doesn't get me like in my case is probably the same for you Marcus your wife doesn't necessarily have to do anything that makes you feel like she won't have your back the thing about being a man is I need to appear I think is the imposter syndrome yeah I need to appear as if I got it all right anything it out like I've been a microwave for a long time like I'm used to having everything under control all right I'm doing so right yeah that might be was kind of going on in my mind but it's also hard to verbalize and I even if I could verbalize it I don't want to tell you that because it makes me feel weak but what's so crazy is when you have a good wife she already sees that yes that you haven't had you don't have something figured out she's just waiting for you to tell her so that she can be that purpose now George yes I just want to see his probably cry No thank you for joining the love hour I'm your host miss keV on stage and I'm here with my husband and co-host the keV on stage and today we have two very special guests I'm like so excited it's our first guest of the podcast live it she thought I planned something to not be here you know angel gonna be here in a hug pocket Sabina and have you been let me see you not be here at 6:30 on one of my goals this year is to have more guests on the podcast and so I'm like really excited that you do not know this way hold on she paused real quick and just say this though people that we've won on the podcast we're gonna reach out to you all hello listen about what one day Yasu don't worry about nothing I'll be at the house yes I shall send out the emails there's a way you said it people is gonna be like I'm outside my house oh yes I will send out the invitations but we have with us angel and Marcus Tanksley hey guys how y'all doing I'm so excited that you're here so they have been married for 12 years yes angel is an entrepreneur she is the mommy that does it all I was on her show mommy confessions such a good episode it was really gonna do it I had a great time yeah and her lighting was poppin so I look back on it like everything about that was on it she is also an actor and she has actress she does stand-up comedy with you that's what I said I didn't know why no you're nice veteran in this game Jewel and I know so many different people I would see her in Instagram like bruh angel don't know I hosted a show for Tony oh she was in a TV content that's how we but I know you do stamp so this moment yeah yeah yeah no I went out for three dollars and fifty cents exactly it gotta be worth it it's gotta be worth it you won't pay that and she is married obviously to her husband Marcus and together they host a podcast called will this cause and origin is this is this going to cause an argument I think they'll be arguing that's great love our first time is a podcast about open honest transparent conversations Kevin and I are not marriage counselors we do not have certifications we do not have degrees in this but we are what we've turned and go to culinary school because my dad's church but we coined the term marriage champions and don't be in my comments how much I didn't coin it yes we did if I just say raise champions yeah trademark ding we'd coined the term marriage champions which just means that we are here to champion and advocate for marriage especially in this day and age with divorce rates so high we just want to show a honest and realistic view into marriage tchau me and Kev are going through a whole transition bar sales and we share our lessons learned on the podcast and that's honestly truly the point of the podcast so today's episode we get into the episode I want to do a this or that which is a segment that Kevin and I do I got a jingle okay go that or this with Kevin listen angel and Marcus already I've seen her wait for what y'all jumped in I know she real magic amazing okay so the better that question is would you rather meet your great-grandparents or meet your great grandkids oh great grandkids definitely great why I meant some my great grandparents guys okay okay well my great grandkids make of what my like it's to see what my legs and that's why that's my answer as well yeah that was yeah that's me I like it doesn't matter what they were like my great-grandparents is like that's what made me I don't need to share it I need to see what I produce yeah even if it's like I need to know that I was trying to do the math that's so that's Daisy's children's children yes trash would net rather me it's not Noah's kid I mean they're asked not know said you have to meet him at snot-nose you can meet them at 21 well ok with that key I guess I have it in my mind they stop that if I see my great grandkids that means I'm still alive so why we might make great current parents means I got a time machine yes but we're going time because that way you go see bones right earth is going by the time my great grandkids are alive it might be all robots so I'll really the future scares me more than the past that's real great grandkids our parents I'm gonna go back in time looking and see what it was like probably racism still though great grandkids I want to see what I was working through it I was working through it I think given all the circumstances I would go great grandkids cuz I want to see what the Frederick's family legacy is to generations down the line yes if I make a lot of money and they all waste it I must stock everybody everybody the lineage is getting fired alright okay so my answer also is great grandkids and it like almost verbatim mirrors angels and that would be I would want to see the legacy that I produce I am the legacy of my great-grandparents and I know my parents so I know which idea where I am I'm on it so I know which I did I would be curious starting with me for it so I want to meet definitely my great grandkids okay but thank you for playing cue the theme music was it better this weekend I was waiting for you to look at me the second time I was already okay so we're gonna move into today's topic and it is a listeners question and it is almost a variation of a couple different questions that come in they come in actually all the time and I kind of condensed it into one streamline question so the question is um how do you support your entrepreneur spouse without being a yes-man so I shall start or would you would like to start okay so my the basis of the question I believe is that a lot of times when you there's okay I have so many thoughts so I'm gonna organize them and then speak being married naturally opposites attract like that's an actual like Law of Attraction and it is like true even on a couple like the first couple episodes Kevin and I did we did a so Don personality traits and we took a personality test literally me and Kevin's personality are opposites even when you read like the descriptions of the personality trait that will give you the most it's not really I don't know if they called it the most trouble or like the personality that will cause you to grow the most it's like they're nice way of saying the most trouble I'm Kevin's Kevin is mine oh wow so we are like literal polar opposites and so what happens as as an entrepreneur that Kevin is and I am more of like let's just say on you know the solid ground where it's nice and safe it causes conflict in the marriage and you can get to a point where you feel like he is taking or the entrepreneur spouse is taking more risk well I don't Kevin is doing this well but also I want to make sure that I'm inclusive and in saying that it's not always the husband that's being the risk yeah yeah because it is the opposite here and I mean our stories in everybody's story so I just want to be mindful and not be like he all the time cuz my stories not everyone's story but the entrepreneurs spouse may take more risk than the non entrepreneur spouse is comfortable with and you find yourself fighting against like trying to be supportive but also not just trying to be yes-man especially if like I don't really know if this is working and I'm like I've been supportive but I'm not quite sure this is working so how do I have that conversation without like hurting his feelings all of that kind of happened so question number one is have you guys experienced that what is your like experience with that what is your thoughts on that I don't think anyone who knows Marcus would describe him as a yes-man in any form of the fashion he has no problem being like no no and no again to that when I tried it could you have friends and a lot of times your friends are afraid to be honest yes you know a lot of times they just want to see you succeed say say yes yes yes what I try to provide and what I've learned I need to provide for her it's just straight-up honesty yes whether it's my opinion because I'm not in the same career that she's in and she does do a whole lot of different things it's like my opinion may not really line up however I'm not afraid to give that honest opinion because I'm like sometimes I may be a little brutally honest has that ever caused his honesty have you ever taken it as not being supportive no just as him being wrong give any exemplar tell me what I do realize that his knowledge of the industries that I work in especially entertainment industry is still very small even though he is right beside me there's still only so much he knows so I know again that almost anything he tells me he is coming from a good place so sometimes his advice is just off skewed just because there's a whole chunk of knowledge that he doesn't sure and have you know so we just fail to see the true way Kevin would you agree that that is something that you would say that we've experienced um well here's the thing that's difficult about so Melissa is she is never wrong in her mind and we have came up and seen the error of my way it's like industries and I think my this is something we even talked about today we we like to keep it honest on the lower hour we are working through this transition from to 9:00 to 5:00 to to entrepreneurship right and one person who's like welcomes the 995 thing I was just telling Melissa today I'd be like man I don't got no job let's go she's just like y'all just be don't be going to work so I think um in some ways um I don't know if I am right or I have just like done so much off of sheer will right like I do things wrong all the time but I just like to push right past that so I think to answer your question I think there's Melissa may not know things about like entertainment about like booking a venue but her contract administration stuff that she did for the for Boeing in her her last job in aerospace the idea is so similar that it's really like she does know you not I mean like a contract is a contract the right decision for life as we was trying to book a guest for asked a blank guy and I had booked a book the rick ross freeway across the railroad Ross Bradford drug dealer and his so I was feeling hype I was like I'm about to reach out to some big people all over the place so I reached that's this really famous boxer and they reached right back out and he sent me his rate and it was like it was so much money I was like sure you just say busy so I was like Melissa how should i word this email back that lets him know that that's out of our rate but you know but not like we broke so she may have never made that email but she could she formulated the email like this is what we do by blah and it keeps the conversation open she was like if you write it like this he might say you know what I'll take that right he didn't though but you know but the email is better so that's something that even before she came into this industry I never was really good at that anyway you know and I'm also also really impatient and he gets in the way of a lot of stuff like hobby nobody moves as fast as I need them to move in the world except me yeah and then I'm like so she's you know I mean so in that sense she doesn't necessarily work in my industry but but she does yeah because it's all dealing with people in the same way I think one thing when working on specifically now is one thing I consider myself an expert in is social media and how to build your brand and Melissa has her own thoughts on how to build a brand and her thoughts are not my thoughts and so usually what became a problem today is usually when people ask me how we build a brand they are hanging on my every word because they're usually comedians and they're like if I can follow the blueprint of care right it'll work it worked for him I'm gonna do the exact same thing but this is like I'm not a comedian so what you do and she be all shoulders and with a little pay I mean so what works for that you don't I mean so in that instance it's like okay I mean like you if you if you see you seem to know you seem to know okay then no no you know and the other thing is the final thing I want to say on this I think a lot of it is personality driven like what I want out of entrepreneurship and life is different the way I'm built like I was born I tell people all the time when I was growing up I was like I'm gonna be great in whatever I need to be famous I need to be recognized I need to travel the world and now before I even knew what I wanted to do but this is not necessarily like that so the advice and stuff that I approached her with is thinking that that she's thinking of the world the way I am you not I mean and I think that's what happens with entrepreneurs and nine-to-five people it's like when you're we talked about being a dreamer episode last week you you expect people to approach the world the way you do and people just be like I don't anybody I'll do it right I don't want to do all that so I think that's where the conflict often comes with you know entrepreneurs and nine-to-five people dreamers and planners it's expecting people to see the world you the way you see it and not being able to see that way the world the way your partner sees it yeah which actually brings up a really good segue and it's almost I wanted to talk about lessons learned but we can kind of include that in this section here of lessons that we've learned or experience and how to maintain and sustain a healthy relationship while being married to an entrepreneur when your personalities are so different so one of the lessons learned and one of the things that I wanted to share was this idea of communication because a lot of times what happens is we do have different views of the world he Kevin just using us as an example now allow you guys the opportunity to speak as well Kevin Kevin sees the world through I want to build this Empire and I want you to join forces with me and we are going to do this and we're going to do this and we're gonna do this and we're gonna do this we're gonna do this I now have like a very clear understanding of that vision but initially when I'm working the nine-to-five and Kev's doing this our visions different does that make sense it wasn't really until I quit my job that now I've always been supportive but I never really could like see a full vision because I was working a nine-to-five and my vision is to make sure we have health insurance make sure that we have dental yeah and we have a paycheck every two weeks because being an entrepreneurs they're an entrepreneur there are highs and there are lows and you need to be fiscally responsible to prepare for those low those low periods and there has to be someone in the relationship that's stable yeah that's stable to sustain through those times and I've always been that person and I've been fine playing that role then I come off my job just recently and now I'm part of this and I feel like have we ever had we me and Kevin have we ever had a conversation about what I want have we ever had a conversation about where Melissa fits in this Empire and it's a collaborative conversation not what you see for Melissa does that make sense yeah and so that begins to cause a lot of conflict because I'm bucking against what you see and you're and now we're both both frustrated because we see different visions and when you have a different vision your actions are different and that causes conflict and have you guys ever experienced anything or it can speak to just communication in general I would say that I'm a little bit guilty of that Marcus what I do of not of the the not having the conversation of how do you see yourself yes in this because once you've been building something so long by yourself huazi when something want new ones to come in you already know where you feel like it best plugs in so it's almost hard to even to fathom how you I know how this is operated how you know how to fit in here but at the same time I'm not gonna get the best of him unless he gives me what he truly wants to do absolutely yeah and I think yeah we recently I think both of us came to that whole thing because I would like just withdrawal and like let her do her and support her but I'm like I am the nine-to-five or however I do I'm like if I'm gonna be working this hard for somebody else I can work this hard for me and get all the profit and let somebody get some of the profits so I've always had that vision of being an entrepreneur but doing it this two-bit like the state able way yeah so I'm like I want to support her a point that I'm here for aren't your prosthetic leg and I'm like once you take off I'm gonna do my thing so I've been more resource me with in the past with three months or whatever we started having a conversation of okay we need to build this thing together and we do need to be I want to be that power couple that yeah that that Empire so we both started talking like what do you see yourself doing what do I see myself doing so we're both working on our own entrepreneurship she's continuing to grow hers and I'm starting mine even though it's going to separate directions we're starting at one yeah and I think that is so important and it literally is a revelation that I had today given that I mean we be sharing all of a business transparent and on it's okay that we had just earlier today and it was literally the revelation that I had and I said to Kevin we've never had this conversation mm-hmm and when you don't have the conversation and really a the conversation to me is nothing more it's almost like a contract and I used to watch the People's Court growing up because I love judge Milian I think she is like fabulous and then she'd be talking to all the law stuff and just be checking people and I just loved her every time she comes off a bit the bench her shoes me flag her hair be done like you just want to show people you a good money for but anyway one of the things she used to always say is that a contract is a meeting of the minds and you do not have a contract if both mines aren't walking away with a mutual understanding of whatever it is was agreed upon to me that's a conversation yeah it is a meeting of the minds and if you cannot if you and your spouse don't first have that conversation that meeting of the minds and come to a plan to get there you are on shaky ground you know what's interesting angel you as mattress you you you know this so the you in Marcus I'm sure you know as well the characters in the world have their own motivations and they have their own visions for the other characters in the world yes they don't always express those to the other people so and what what was really crazy me and Melissa got into an argument like a really bad argument a couple years ago and the interesting thing is I thought I was supporting her right because melissa is married melissa is very conservative you know and I see her as like you know big in like conferences and walking and with the little Mike on the thing I'm talking like you know like I see it clear that a no talk stage with women in conferences right but she wasn't necessarily thinking about it like that mm-hm so I'm like I'm gonna support you because I'm gonna I'm gonna help you see yourself the way I see you right and I'm pushing you to your destiny and the thing is one time she we talking about I'm trying to push her trying to push her she start crying Frank what she said kind of rocky she said you're not supporting me in a way that feels supportive mmm so I had to be like oh my gosh like it's like it's kinda like the five love languages you have to love me in a way that feels like love to me not a way that you want to express right to me so it was like supporting her in a way that that I would have you know if somebody was gasps it will basically gassing her up and I'm like yeah and I will be getting high and she was like nope I'm retracting more and more and more so I think that's the thing of life there's so many times in marriages that people hurt their partner with the best of intention we always think it's all malicious and sometimes people really be trying to so we be like completely shocked when you're upset because I'm like how yeah I'm trying to help you like how are you taking this any other way than then the way I'm presenting and it's because we haven't had this level playing field to to then move forward you not I mean we just like okay we're gonna start this business you quit your job I quit my job here so we're gonna do a tutorial of our bah blah blah but I never said do you want a million followers on Facebook I just assumed that she wanted that because everybody that I'm around we are like I got to get these numbers because then it's gonna lead to that she's just like and no one else is like that I have no desire to be world known or famous anything I know I want to be wealthy no I'm like what did that pointless you're not helping me because in our business that is that's your currency it is I'm like girl you realize how brand deals are booked they want to see a one sheet with your numbers that's it you get a million the dollars are higher use that but I don't want that but you know that is I would say for Marcus sometimes that's our struggle is him knowing the way that I need him to support me when it comes to him coming over to help me because a lot of times he's like you know I'm showing up on camera when he feels like it I'm bringing my wig and I'm like I need you consistently like it can't be a thing of especially like with our podcast and it's not all him sometimes I'm just so tired but like if he's in a mood this is my husband if he's in a mood he's not going to do right when we get behind to get behind the mic he is just like I'm just like oh my god you're like drying on the wall and I'm like I don't care for you in a mood I just need you for 40 minutes yeah you know I'm not trying to just turn on like y'all gonna get this outta to you you know what's funny about Melissa had an argument today I going to shoot I'm on my way to a shoot hang up the phone with her and I got a meaty click on rag on stage I don't have the shoots cancelled I can't make it that is he will cancel on me all the time I'm just not a moon I can't like you don't understand no desire to reach like the I know like building hers it has to be that but I'm like no I don't care what people say I think I'm gonna say what I want to say and they don't deal with it I feel like when you are too exposed it opens yourself this is a legitimate if you're when you're too exposed it opens you up to too much of people's opinions and anytime Kevin and I do something we were always go for his let it go let me tell you didn't - you got a confirm he's like most I would never put you in that situation just like that I would never put you in that situation don't worry you don't even know god he's lying I am too I don't like people all the time I already talked about that I don't like people at time.com test because we might be related that's how people some people don't smoke some people don't drink some people don't like Heights I don't like people like people I want everybody to do well but I don't need to get to know you you I can't go to no mixers with him there's no networking with him cuz I'm just like I don't know what mood you gonna be in and I need for you to play nice and he's like nah I'm good I don't know what I'm on I'm on I'm like you know what I'll go but if there is a like I feel like when you are Kevin in angel you have this like natural turn on button this look at a switch and you're like I am angel I am that chick angel I am Kelvin stage and it turns on and I feel like again I think it's that balance a banana leg I gotta give it gas all of the I need to have my Wheaties that morning a glass of milk some orange juice I need to make sure it like did my outfit work out right chipped my fingernail polish did the kids walk on the carpet with their shoes on like there are so many things where I can go from like here to here and honestly this is too much fun but till anyways I feel like the older I get the more Moody I get come on you don't know I need Marcus Anthony tank sleeve that is him today I don't know why but I've never been a moody person I promise you am I like 30 I'm just like happy attitude I just thought we had argue that I like 11 today I'm sorry are we still on that but I haven't had a conversation with you I haven't had anything of the mind gear we do the same we do the same we start watching TV what's wrong with you is like I need time to still be mad like let me live through this for a sec me like I got my person value my anger is up there let it simmer up for a second don't be said you don't throw ice in boiling water as vice versa let their cool oh let me still be like you yet cuz we ain't still man right cuz you'll be mocha you know what be mad i'ma going on my dad no you just happy yeah what you want me to do man be yo chip yourself but also don't be too happy when I'm mad Oh she does it on first oh yes I do I don't know purpose just to just to keep digging I'm like I'm gonna fire this right get a real happy conversation with somebody I'm here watching movies with market purpose just trying to she's trying to take it there absolutely something come up missing did you go away my oh you weren't even there yet [Applause] the purple emoji with the with the devil's actually like super excited that we are opposites in a gender way yeah I'm actually cuz I don't want someone that's going to like mirror me cuz oh no one is the exact same no relationship look like exactly what I always like I need somebody nice I'll pass on what's funny is like my to be Turkish on the outside but I really am a nice person keV is a jerk in real life I'm gonna tell you what it is I'm gonna tell you you are a jerk when you don't mean to be you think you are being helpful and and nice and direct and the way it comes across people just be like you just talk to people any old kind of way and I'm just like I want to give you the information is as Curt as possible so you can get to move it people be like where's the softness for what people don't have one thing that bothers me and I'm gonna keep saying it on every video hopefully people watch it hey man I see what your family let me go and get this picture real quick oh but I do see you with your family so am i with my family or do you want the fish away cause usually that acknowledgment means like hey I'm just gonna say I love you nice to meet you people be I'd be mid-bite burger and they put a hand in front of my methyl you may put the burger down man let me just get picture I see you always if you join an introvert listen I can't even have to worry about this okay that would approach you like but they never asked Melissa will walk away in the other way Melissa will walk away why if you're not like ready or you just don't want pictures with people you don't know something she's ready and just not in the mood I'll be having my eyes window people don't want a picture with me anyway they really are looking for kids I know they'd be lying but you watch now I'll take it I'll take I'm gonna take it for yo don't you want to be I don't want to be in your picture huh alright I think well I don't think that I don't I don't I don't want it okay so next part another issue that comes up in entrepreneur be married to those opposites attracting our finances and taking risk mm-hmm have you ever come unto a issue where you feel like maybe angel wants to be more risky with the money then Marcus you would humble way that one is the one where we kind of switch because I'm not afraid to drop some money on something then there might work I'm like but it costs too much money we got it do it where is it on the with the idea I'm like I'm still at that - it's probably the horrible one is like takes money to make money ya know we need these new mics and it's tough let's go bad market that cost too much money we don't need it but we go mad eventually right yeah he's quick to do it let's see if a brand deal comes in yeah or maybe I can get a sponsor to give us the money we got some new ones in sale the Oh again oh I am a lot more frugal when it comes to that stuff because I the stable one so it was like I got this coming again next week and I'm like I don't know when the wind is gonna blow my way again right yeah so yeah I luckily with me being an entrepreneur that part of me is like in check in one reason why I do so many things because I don't like the feeling of being broke yeah so I will have ten some odd jobs doing random stuff because I'm like I need money I want money I don't want to feel like it so I won't spend it I'll just sit on my hands and one market in the morning check online we'll get a job that cost her money it's not there babe I mean I will she was like hmm ID quit once I realized that I was off but there's things that I probably should have had he came up with the idea and thought of it he would have went ahead and spent the money one that I have already just been like no i'ma wait until I have this amount and I feel like I can splurge on this where he would have been like do it it'll be fine the money will figure its way back into our account where I'm just like I like it I don't like it so luckily I'm not that person because I don't think we would do we'll do has never caused any conflict you know yes slightly because Marcus wants the old-school car really bad have a 666 GTO and I'm like what's happening this year and this weekend no and so because of the way I am with money and because he works the steady nine-to-five he's like I deserve to treat myself I'm going to work every day for this you know I'm not working for myself I'm making somebody else richer I deserve to be able treat myself when I want to and I'm like I'm sitting here in the house not buying stuff like I could buy an expensive purse I won't it's gonna be good Dola cute birth so I'm like yo ninos he says stupid stuff like it and so I appreciate over time after you put your know they know they appreciate partly though yeah six for the designer purses people put them up for sale to make it looks like Louisa time just putting up purses like let's put this on there in that way sometimes it can cause a little bit because he has been wanting one for a very long time there's other purchases that he makes that I'm just like they're too expensive but he'll still make the purchase where I'm just like I am holding back from buying stuff so should you but I get it a little bottle though it's like you see these nails in the hair and everything that's to keep you happy so you don't feel like that's not just for me it's for you as well yeah sometimes that can and like as he's adamant he's gonna get this car my transmission is slipping right now that check engine like a 150,000 but it's a Toyota something I had a paid off Toyota Corolla was willing to drive that thing into the ground we have a sign and I'm like you driving it to Vegas yeah it's dependable had to sell her car without her knowing about her new car he did and I pulled up to the house like here you go she's all excited I'm like but that's gone in the morning it's already so I was like what are you talking about the one that actually has like a screen and a radio in it yeah get over it you know I will drive that car to the engine falls out but you don't have a story where keV but a car without my knowledge try not to bring that up eventually get to this I was so mad but the broke the the transmission was gone the car wouldn't go past 20 miles an hour no more is about safety that's what hers we're the entertainment industry the the shoots are in Santa Monica it's um it ain't like I'm just driving around the neighborhood like I cannot get to the place where I make money if this car won't go on the freeway mm-hmm so she's like I don't know how you should it the car don't go the car don't go no more this before uber was was out like that yeah I need to be able to go places or I can't get money she still livid she could have fixed it the car was a 96 Civic fixing the whole transmission was gonna be more than the cars garbage people was taking that car that wouldn't go 50 miles an hour they took it for $1,000 in five minutes way more than they should have been paying for it none of that matter to her when you even talked to me about it I can't go nowhere tomorrow if I don't have a car I was gonna say that I think is the one of the biggest issues and like I just want to stay right there for just a moment dealing talking about communication and finances I think those can potentially be the biggest issues in a relationship in a relationship period but I feel like it's an even bigger issue when it comes to being an entrepreneur and not because even if one person is making more money than the other person especially if it's like the nine-to-five I could potentially see a situation where that person is spending the money without having the conversation with the other spouse right or the opposite of entrepreneurs make you more money and that makes the other person the other spouse whichever is spending more feel in the dark and left in the dark end like they don't they're not a part of their own relationship does that make sense and that is or could be a potentially huge issue and one of the things I was looking online and I saw this meme and actually want to do a whole podcast episode on this but the meme said or tweet gram or whatever it is just words and it's not a picture is this still a meme or is it I mean tweet gram tweet tweet gram was the app that people used to write words on so that's probably see I didn't know that that's old-school but no like 5000 would 1:13 okay so you're still in the teens you've gone to those but five years ago an Internet is like let me just say a meme it's okay so I saw a meme and it said that loneliness is not being a lone loneliness it's not communicating feelings that are important to you not feeling like you can communicate feelings that are important to you and I was like oh that's really good and I'll tell you why there have been times and just going back to like this idea of communication and this idea of finances keV just rammed all into my makeup table and that would have been a great social video just run it back as if there have been times I'm a my already saw myself marking dislike your gold for the grand what about really took you out of your being there have been times there have been times where I have felt like and I'm usually not I'd never feel lonely because I am a lone nerd like I prefer to be by myself not have a whole bunch of people but I have definitely felt the I am not able to express things that are important to me to my spouse and that can bring on those feelings of loneliness does that make sense hum and when you don't have again just going back to like this meeting of the minds conversation having a conversation period about like your outlook on life where you are going individually where you're going as a couple where you going in terms of your business what you're going to do with your finances the risk that you're gonna take like all of these things if they are not taking place together collaboratively that's where separation starts and that's where loneliness can can kind of huh I don't know where you go yes spring gum mm-hmm planning the Seas of loneliness her has a song about this it's called focus her grammy-nominated artist and she says I've begin to feel lonely even when we're alone together because you don't focus on me and I think that goes back to what you were saying of life it's so simple that we you know Melissa I've been talking a lot about vulnerability ball nur ability and how to have conversations that matter that's because I travel so much and one of the things that I realized so first I'm just trying to fix it I'm like let me just talk to her all the time so I'm talking to her about stuff that she do not care about so you know man LeBron has been averaging the Lakers young offenses gelling together I'm like I'll just talk to you more and now you'll feel like we're communicating you know so I'm talking about and that that doesn't work and then she hit me with the I need you to be vulnerable and when we have these intimate conversations where you're sharing your heart that makes me feel like we're close and I was telling her like an entrepreneur maybe angel are you or Marcus you can tell us if you have ever felt this like when you're an entrepreneur I was telling Melissa the thing that makes it hard to be vulnerable to you isn't that I don't want to talk to you it's that those feelings that you want to hear from me I am not allowing myself to feel them so you want me to give you a part of me that I have not been accessing personally because if I access that fear then it's gonna make me start to question myself my talent my ability and you want to talk about that now I'm in my head well what if this tour doesn't work what if my numbers day was you know so you want me to and you're suing that I just don't want to talk to you but I'm not even dealing with those feelings at all myself so I've got to learn how to process my own feelings and then open those to you so she's accessing something me and I'm just like I don't even know why I feel that way and um maybe I should share that stuff but I'm not purposely not sharing it with you I'm just not dealing with it at all yeah I you know maybe I don't know if this is a female trait or a male trait or just the difference in people I am the type that will be completely vulnerable with him typically not with anyone else just with him and I know sometimes for him trying to figure out the white the right ways to communicate back to me because he is not the most vulnerable person even though I actually think it's a gender thing I was hoping you would say that yeah I actually think that naturally women are more vulnerable because it just happens in the way we communicate mhm when we are we have a girls night or we're you know just hanging out we are naturally we're sharing feelings when guys hang out they're talking about the game yes and therein lies the difference so a woman even um just as a really quick example even though it was a guy but like I got really deep with him we are Kevin's doing another podcast called Aska you should watch that when it comes out in February and the guests arrived and we were just outside chatting and I had asked him a whole bunch of questions in about 10 minutes while the shoot that they were on was wrapping up they come in here it's all guys it took them a good probably thirty minutes to get all of the information that I got from him in about 7:00 and I think it's just naturally I'm going straight for the jugular mm-hmm what made you decide to do this oh were your parents support and I'm literally these other questions I'm asking right were your parents supportive oh they weren't how did that make you feel Oh how did you work through that what did your mama say well when you move did you have friends oh I'm sure that was lonely like literally the conversation with him he crying now I really just think that that is just kind of naturally how women communicate versus men like we're naturally just more and it is vulnerability but because it comes so natural it's not hard for us to get there yes yes so I'm able to just bill everything to him and the things I'm not emotional with any wheels it's literally just my husband and he just now in the past I want to say year-and-a-half has become especially now that he's trying to like moving in to become an entrepreneur being a lot more vocal with me about his thoughts about the things that he's trying to figure out because a lot of times like it's quiet yeah I'm quiet I'm just like and I'm like something's going on up there through things but I don't know how to I'm not take you like that yeah I'm good though no I was saying that's what I be yeah and if the thing is when you are man and you don't have it all in a way that you feel like you can articulate clearly then you're not ready to talk about it no I just be like you know what let me figure it out first because when you when you trying to talk to him in and she catch you stumbling and stuff then you'd be like well what is your feeling why don't you said nothing like see this Wow yeah this is why I got it all together this is why I was shutting up because we talked about this is a love our on the road women understand their feelings as they talk about them the more they talk the more they understand each and all that stuff and Men we sit and brood on all the stuff and be like alright I got it and now I just process a feeling from 2008 and like you know what that time you may be mad so what is important here and I do believe that this is like a genuine gender difference is that when a man is working out those feelings that's the vulnerable piece that is the vulnerability is being able to say I don't have this figured out I don't really understand everything that I'm going through that I feel that I'm thinking but I want to have this conversation with you that is just that is the vulnerability and without those conversations that it you lack the closeness that we desire does that make sense I don't even know how we got here just click for me why that's hard for men when you are a provider you don't want to ever appear as if you don't know what you're doing well you haven't thought it through or figured it out so if I come to you with something that I have not worked out or a feeling or a fear my fear is that you're gonna be level you don't know what he's doing or he's not confident so I would rather wait until I have it all figured out and then presented to you and what you're looking for is the broken part of the plan and the fears that we have and the manly part of us is like I can't share that with you for fear of you thinking I don't got it all and I think that's not you know and it doesn't get like in my case is probably the same for you Marcus your wife doesn't necessarily have to do anything that makes you feel like she won't have your back right the thing about being a man is I need to appear I think it's the imposter syndrome yes I need to appear as if I got it all right anything it out like I've been a microwave for a long time like I'm used to having everything under control I'm right I'm doing so right that might be was kind of going on in my mind but it's also hard to verbalize and even if I could verbalize it I don't want to tell you that because it makes me feel weak but what's so crazy is when you have a good wife she already sees that yes that you haven't had you don't have something figured out she's just waiting for you to tell her so that she can be that yes we are there for that right we are not asking for that or that's not a requirement of intimacy and vulnerability it is actually not always the tears and the breakdown it really is the I don't have this figured out I was definitely I am afraid or I am whatever masculine word you want to say I know and that's why I scaled it back and said whatever masculine words you want to think nothing is very sure fine let's talk about this to get there but the important part there is that the intimacy child we bout to go a whole other direction but i'ma go to anyway cuz I feel like the pool is happening Minister when the first lady the that intimacy that happened outside of the bedroom hello called back to the low power that we just had but that is the requirement that intimacy is a requirement for a woman to be intimate for with her husband inside of the bedroom that is what build the connection that happens for a man inside of the bedroom that same type of closeness that same type of connection is what happens in those vulnerable moments of conversation outside of the bedroom child we started talking about sex that wasn't the point but I think that is important because it does again just circle back to maintaining sustaining a healthy relationship and to be honest sex is part of a healthy absolute relationship healthiest yeah yeah happy feeling healthy with the said we had sex I ran a mile drop that big what I don't want Adrian to 2016 oh I can barely walk 50 days he was like what I'm fine for this I was like good I'll be good but ya know the vulnerability and it also it just draws you closer like he knows that he can trust me with those thoughts thinking I'm not about to throw him back up and honestly that is such a key point then just like all of the listeners if your husband is vulnerable with you do not throw that back I wish you would never do it in front of other people over because men do suffer from that Wizard of Oz imposter syndrome where you think you know you The Wizard of Oz you hear this big roaring voice and then you meet him and he's this itty bitty man and a lot of times men feel like they have to put on that big voice and be this big huge representative when inside they may really feel like this little bitty man and what you want is that small issue my wife and I were talking about this today she was like you know the one thing that I'm realizing men our egos are small and fragile were sensitive okay and she would say you don't even realize how many times I have spared your ego that just because I know cuz I be like let you know is like by the way right she was just like I want you to do the same thing for me but I don't think I don't think about it's hard to do something when you don't realize the other person has been doing that for you without your knowledge mm-hmm you know what I mean because when I do stuff let me let me let you know what I did so we both know what I brought to this I won I got the invoice rubber feet all the row you can see right out of John women don't tend to do that but I'm like living roulette you know what right right right you do this I did it three show you what a date I left the Carbon Copy on your desk and the point I think was the witch actually it's blonde another episode which we're gonna do in the future and that is the idea of I don't know if you guys have heard this book love and respect by mercenaries Thank You Emerson Ingrid it's a wonderful book fantastic book but the conversation Kevin and I were having earlier today it circled around that idea of love and respect and it was and the point to what he was just saying is I have curb curbed what I have said I have shielded when I've said even when things have happened and he has said things to me I don't always check you back because I always want to be respective of your ego and not embarrass you and we can be I mean and we can cut our men quickly and I've always been I remember watching that as a child not that my mom did it to my dad but I remember going to like marriage enrichment and hearing men talk about that so I've always been like hyper aware and ensuring I don't do that to my husband but in doing that I haven't always said that hurt my feelings what you just said and so I was telling him that all of these years I've done this for you and now all I'm looking for is for you to do the same for me just be aware of what you say and how you say it uh-huh and when you and again that's going going back to this idea of loneliness a years of not saying that aloud you start to feel almost resemble like I'm not sharing but what I feel and he's going across doing all of these things we need to have this conversation right now and honestly that's how again just the idea of like separation starts to happen where you start to feel disconnect it with one another because we're not being vulnerable with one another I don't feel comfortable enough to share with you how I actually feel you know what you would as you say it what happens is like there's this episode of the office where do I quit and worked and with the work at Staples and you know people nobody noticed like he loved the Scranton Dunder Mifflin's ban right so he quit and went to work at Staples and all of a sudden the plants are dying and this is happening and people are like man what's happening they showed all the times the white would come in early and and water the plants and he'd open the blinds he'd get the newspaper and I think that's what happens with women they are doing stuff that men don't even notice and they want to be recognized for it and we don't even know that you're watering the plants and you never say that I'm watering the plants and you're screaming out why don't you understand what I'm doing for you and we have no idea the plants have just always been alive and I didn't notice that I thought there was a plastic plant I had no idea you stopped watering and I think that's what has happened or can happen with me and Melissa and in any relationship if you're doing stuff out of the goodness of your own heart and you don't bring it up all the time your spouse doesn't even acknowledge that you have done it and you're clamoring for the the honor from all this work that you've done and they have no idea so you're mad at them that they haven't like you know reciprocated that and like this they have no idea that you're doing it yeah but we've had a conversation because I don't know if it was a podcast or a vlog of what we were talking about you know getting into arguments or when you get into you if we've ever heard each other's feelings and I was like yeah not on purpose and then she was like you've definitely hurt my feelings before I was like what and it threw me for it like it was like a wrench in the whole gear I was like way yeah so then like she's telling me different situations like I had no I have had the same exact why I blame her for not being you know you had to communicate those things I agree I agree that there is something to you you treat or no you teach people how to treat you and when you allow years to go by months ago by weeks ago by whatever the case may be without speaking up you are saying you are complicit almost in your mistreatment its they don't know hey you haven't said anything so at this point I am it's you know petty I wouldn't said anything I will what I'll do is I'll reciprocate his behavior yes and he'll be like uh I don't like especially the when he gets mad at me he stops talking to me like in it and so if I do that to him instead of what I'd actually want to do which is talk his head off man if I do the whole I'm gonna withdraw from you and just be like I'm cool and he'll be like what's wrong I'm good I'm cool I'm good now that hurts my feelings when he does that to me and then once I started doing that to him he's like I don't like that all the time find your own normally just don't want to talk anyway she's always like well I don't like we do it to me okay I'll try not to but stop doing it yeah right but you stop it you start talking so I can tell you to hurry up which brings up one last point and I want to wrap this up you just remind me of another podcast topic my mom was going like I need top of this I need to talk but you just reminded me of this term that like kind of toying with trying to come up with the definition and that is emotional congruence or emotional honesty and it is this idea that you feel something internally but when you are asked you say the opposite mm-hmm so when you are upset inside and someone asks you how do you feel and you say fine mm-hmm and we do that while doing it with a stranger that's one thing doing it with your spouse is so unhealthy yes so you'll see I'm not ready to talk about it yes because mad about this when I want to talk right and what happens we move on and the also you don't want to talk about it you said nothing I ain't gonna pump and prime you amen and I know y'all do that you say you don't do because you're not ready to talk about it why are you doing this may I don't know I think it's just the easier way out it's maybe fear I'm not quite sure honestly I'd have to really think about it's probably fear but if you've read my book from a book I have all of these different campaigns that I did in my book and this year my campaign is just say it and that is literally what I am working on being emotionally honest being emotionally congruent so that the words that come out of my mouth match how I actually because you know what happened actually I think I noticed it what what happened is she won't say it that day we be beefing the energy weird for three days then the third on Thursday well what was making me mad was this me I'm well I will be willing to talk about it once I'm not feeling like that anymore I do want to hear I don't care about what you're feeling but I let you know you know and I want to I'm a crier I'm like a huge I'm just a crybaby and so when I am more removed hopefully I can like have a conversation without all the tears yeah because I want to be able to articulate myself in a very clear and concise manner so that way when I say it because I'm stable stable and I want to make sure that you like get it and sometimes when you're fighting through a lot of emotion child my tongue is saying over here and my mind is over here and then the words get all confused and so I want to be able I like to give you analogies I want to be like thus saith the Lord like I want to make sure that everything is lined up because when I come to court I'm winning we'll let you continue your criminal empire preserve it here cuz when they arrest you yes you know you boy to jail I wanted to commend Melissa because today you actually I did hang up the phone though huh I did have to hang up the phone oh that wasn't I thought we had bad service the second conversation hung up several times but there were actually two separate phone calls that were made if that makes oh you caught me and hung up before I answered you said you hung up the phone no no one at that time she just hung up no we had one conversation and I was just like I'm fine okay bye then I called you back yeah so that's what I'm saying between that the first phone call and the second phone call even though the second phone call happened over several phone calls because of the bad service but between the first and the second I was like what are you feeling what do you want to say to him how do you want to communicate them just say it pick up the phone but usually you would let months go by oh and then what happens is I can't I could can wreck the behavior from something that happened today but if you don't say it now it's I'm gonna key and I talked about this in the love hour I'm gonna keep doing the same thing over and over and every time it's gonna make you mad but if you would say it because my intentions are pure and I want to please you make you happy but if you don't call me on it then I don't I'm gonna repeat the same behavior cuz I don't you know I don't know this bothers you but now that you say it the next time I can think about okay how did you know the last time this happened I upset her with this so you know we were having a conversation I was literally like my intentions were this he didn't come across like this so help me understand how I can present this to you in a way that comes across the way that I intended and I really thought I was doing great today she gave me no props but I understand I was just saying I commend you because you now have cut down the the window of time where that's gonna be a problem by just saying when you just did this five minutes ago it made me feel like this and I can say that was not my intention but moving forward I'll do this so that doesn't come across like that anymore and even last year she wouldn't said nothing an issue to say a couple months ago you said then I'm just like brah be messing up every day what I know for me when Marcus when I can you know feel his energy is off and I asked him what's wrong I end up getting mad when he says nothing because I feel like oh you blatantly lied to me in my face like so it's now I know I got an issue that I wouldn't have had if you would have just told me that like oh it makes my head want to pop off of my neck I'm like don't lie to me even if we're not gonna talk about what it is say yep I'm upset yeah you're right I probably know me and I'm just like right now I want to stew in this anger for a second I am it and then leave either you can walk away or I'll walk away man I'm not gonna tell it to you gonna follow me are you write me you not right Marcus you have one of those names where they just repeat it it's annoying Marcus you don't wanna talk Marcus want you wanna talk Marcus and I'll just lay our and that probably infuriates you even more like I don't want to talk on address right my 7200 I think that is so important and it is going back to I even really like what you just said even if I don't want to talk about it just being able to say I'm upset but I don't want to talk about it because that is being emotionally honest that is being emotionally congruent and I think that is like the first step to having a healthy conversation it's recognizing I'm actually not okay but I also don't want to talk about it mm-hmm and I think there is nothing wrong with being able to say I'm not okay I'm upset I want you to get out of my face and then I don't want to talk about this until I think about it and then we can come back right I actually like really loved that yeah okay so I want to wrap up really quickly that was like a really good Negi and I I heard that because of the just say it campaign that I am being subpart B of that is being emotionally on it's being emotionally congruent I think that that is like so so important whether you're a man or a woman if you go through those points where you're like I am upset I don't want to talk about it but instead of saying I am upset you're just like I'm fine and then in three days you want to talk about it like that's a disconnect there yes so last thing I want to actually provide pointers I mean we've kind of covered like so many things but hopefully we can come up with like three points to give to couples out there that are you know I'm the stable person he's and whatever they're the entrepreneur and we're reaching this you know we have conflict we have these contentions going on in our relationship what are some pointers that we can give whether they're surrounding communication whether they're surrounding risk-taking or money or whatever have you and it could be like a recap of some of the things that we've talked about I think one is understanding your partner's vision I know I know a few people that you know they've been married one of them is the entrepreneur and it's like this is what I have to do and it don't always work out it can be a lot of stress on a relationship and I think one of those things come one that comes from the stress comes from them not understanding their vision and if they were to understand their vision maybe that could help them build it or give them their opinion or just like so the whole thing is further communication and that way is not frustrating to the person or they don't completely understand like why are you doing this or doing that or you know quitting your job or why why's this year focus like we need to do this or a B and C and vice versa the nine-to-five person is like the entrepreneur doesn't understand the ninety five like why don't you want more for yourself you know there's that type of thing of understanding each other's vision yeah I agree I think that's so important and it goes back to what we said earlier the meeting of the mind having the conversation where am I going personally where are you going personally and then where do we see ourselves going together and once you have that I just think it just again it level sets the entire relationship and it allows you to find your place and move forward to get this tip that I would say is don't become an obstacle for the person oh that's good that is trying to become the entrepreneur if you're saying I'm going to support you and but I'm not about to jump in on this I like to be stable I like to be the 9:00 to 5:00 don't then also become an obstacle meaning if there are things that you are deciding that you're going to support this dreamer in don't do things that you know are gonna make it harder for them to achieve those dreams and that doesn't mean to lay down a be like a yes-man yes not that but like if you're like oh I want to help you with this or something actually do that don't become the thing my hindrance because it's already hard enough when you're deciding I'm gonna take this leap of faith and I'm gonna build this you're already fighting past your own thoughts your own insecurities the the actual marketplace of whatever you're working in so when your spouse is regardless of how they decide to be a part of it or not be a part of it just don't be an obstacle like we're if you decide I'm not gonna do any that's I would prefer that because then I know where you at right I know you over there and I'm not dependent on you for this but if you say I'm gonna help you with this then be dependable because nothing is worse than trying to motivate somebody else when you just try to motivate Johnson you don't know saying so that's the that's my like biggest tip if you're married to a dream I love that I was a great tip and mine would be to be emotionally congruent and emotionally honest you know I think a lot of times we I was open you didn't say and you know when people ask Josh maybe I just still mean this today and he was my and just be like if you're gonna build something inside as hard as it is to say just go ahead and say that because really when you're not a monthly honest you're hurting the relationship that the public at you my book the journey to self-love it's a made for me it might just say it campaign you something I'm really worried harboring my inner feeling that is definitely something I am working on my tip would be um to the entrepreneur to make sure that they include the 9 to 5 or in their plans so in the same vein of not being an obstacle if you tell me what are we moving toward just incorporate them into the plan so they feel part of mm-hmm because when you don't again you start feeling like we're going into different yeah to different directions so again just going back we kind of all like kind of a building blocks I'm a make it all plain right now first building block have a conversation number one second building block don't be an obstacle emotional honesty okay say mine [Laughter] and then finally making sure that after you've had the conversation you've decided to move forward and you have like an accident plan making sure that the non nine-to-five or the non entrepreneur the nine-to-fiver is incorporated into the family business of you so that you're not feeling like you're moving alone or they like they are an obstacle because they understand where you're going with their places what they're doing and all of those things a lot of times I think the just speaking from my experience the nine to fiver could actually end up being an obstacle on accident because they don't understand the vision to begin with yeah absolutely so absolutely we all just had like that was just like so perfect and like their bike that we just gave I keep sit for the entrepreneur to take that as their spouse just wants the best for them and not that they are not trying to support okay so any other last thoughts no I had a great time I do remember at one point time when we thought we were gonna do guests we still have never got brought on guests you all weren't on my list and I mean this is before I had even met y'all and I was like I'm gonna get them that will be his Marvel superhero name dream killer what you wanna be so you didn't even hurt me principal you just hurt my dreams why are you breaking myself as believe the biggest stamp on this world okay so thank you so much for joining us today angel and Marcus do you want to give out you or socials well he doesn't have any he's on black planet doesn't LinkedIn and black planet he might start an Instagram well I might start his Instagram page she was like I wanna be a Leo DM I was like he was like what's the end I was like don't worry about that Wow do you see do you see found out with DME as I said so you want me to get an account just to create an issue so my handles are you can find me almost everywhere with at that chick angel and on YouTube at that chick angel found me on YouTube yes he's on my channel he is on my yes which is on iTunes Google Play all those other places so is this going to cause an argument on all platforms that podcasts are available yes that chick angel on all social media platforms yeah and mommy confessions on YouTube and Facebook Facebook exclusively on Facebook excusive exclusively we have an episode right and did an episode with her we do it together she did it she brought all the nuts thank you both I had a really really really great time I've watched a few of the other episodes that she's done and they're all really good thank you like you have really awesome guest so make sure that you check them out um Kevin I'll just continue to share the podcast man y'all liking and rating it has kept us in the top 20 of health like every week that's a matter we have 1400 readings wow that's beautiful for a podcast lunch yeah so we had a conversation Atari marelize yo that's y'all have a lot of ratings and a lot of comments unusual for podcast that's you know relatively and ads are coming down the pipe y'all so continue to support and love our conference come in in 2020 in real life your relationship clearly oh nice tagline like you first of all angel is the best Kevin do you want to give your social media come on stage man you already know what I am cast and I am at Misgav on stage thank you for tuning in and we will be back in your feed on Thursday yes chaos and Sunday bonus episodes and Sunday bonus episodes for the Tempe thank you guys so much alright goodbye bye

Channel: KevOnStage

Views: 86,492

Rating: 4.9643164 out of 5

Keywords: kevin, fredericks, @kevonstage, kevonstage

Id: QfVFhn6keRM

Length: 82min 45sec (4965 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 10 2019