Intimate Interview with KevOnStage and MrsKevOnStage | Celibacy, Marriage, and Dream Building

[Music] what's up everybody and welcome back to another episode of the so Ty's podcast with Kenyon Martin and takara Martin this is such an amazing time for us because we finally get to bring to you the interview that we held earlier this year okay with keV on stage and mrs. cave on stage where we talked about everything from how they met what attracted them to each other and even got down to the nitty gritty of celibacy while they were dating and different things that they went through in their marriage that could have broken them but actually made them stronger so excited I'm excited about the part where he talks about his dreams and how he was driven by them but how she supported them our supported him and but it was hard because it was it was not the norm was that anyone's blinded like she was blindly supporting something absolutely but she knew he would make it I love it I love it super excited so if you're tuning in from our podcast audience you were only gonna get a snippet of this interview because we really felt like it was going to be much better delivered over video and on YouTube so the entire thing is here on our YouTube channel and Aston Martin's and if you're tuning in from YouTube make sure you comment below and let us know what you thought of this amazing couple we'll see you guys next episode don't run stage and mrs. Campbell on stage him from his comedy her from her beautiful makeup makeup so into me today like I I really have no idea what she does just so I can pretend like I look like this all the time it's over here talking about real conversations real couples so the premise behind real couple the premise is because we're in a age and society where ambition you know being a power couple and and you know going after you know relationship goals is such a big thing and I think people don't really take the time so really just understand what that means to be married to somebody that's driving and striving for something greater yeah we'll talk about that stuff here we'll talk about all that but we always like to ask and I'm sure people tell you all the time like or ask you how did you meet what interested you in each other I met Melissa in we met in high school from the first moment I saw her I loved her and that's where the lies start chapman's US history class oh nice 99 I was staring at her a little drool for my mom and as I was in just totally engulfed in her beauty dude tapping was that yogi had his nose to her to this girl and he pointed at Melissa I love her already I know to her I mean she read it and she put it in her pocket without looking at him and I said there's a chance me so I watched her curve somebody else immediately and I was like yes this is my type of girl she respects the real me in the world she's not bothered by the winged stone the same military base our parents have in the military we live we lived one block from each other went to the same high school rode the same bus and I fell in love with her before she knew who I was a lot of that story is true like the novels are there I would take a lie detector test right Marie doesn't lie detector tests being done related to babies yeah he was trying to be a player but also not trying to be a play like at the time that keV actually started because it wasn't a media I'm can with it but at the time where he initially started like trying to pursue me he was dating other people I was dating other people and like we were friends like we were actually legitimate friends and he would like to tell me about these girls and so I was like I literally called him a fisherman I was like you're out ahead like trying to fish all these women out and now you're gonna come to me like so yeah I think all of those I had like even at a young age and looking back on it but I did have a head standards and there were certain things that like what important to me Kevin so it's very smart always like do my good you know we always got good grades never gotten a lot of trouble and I was such a good girl like I needed someone who wouldn't like try to persuade me to not be that person and he was he was a healthy he still is a really good healthy balance for me well this was a terrible girlfriend hello did you not care to be on it I didn't know how it could be a girlfriend and because I was so stuck on like being a good girl and like you know all of those things I was trying to be like push your way now push you away but always that like a foot of distance yeah China if create a little bit of dissing wasn't trying to be innocent because I didn't want to create the opportunity for sex and I knew the closer I got to someone the more that door would be open and so I would like purposely try to you know create a little bit of distance and separation yes yeah so I went to Texas first summer we literally this how long were they together we wrote each other letters before social media before email you know I've been around a week weren't using regularly that was even weird that was just yeah we you know talked on the phone to you we also were yeah we also wrote there we did talk on the phone too but I came back from the summer and I was used to her not being attached so you know we lived so close to each other and we get all the bus and we just would walk she walked this way I walked my way week the best kind was like in the middle of both bright houses and the next day like two days I did this in the third day she was like I don't know if we should be together she'll walk me home and I was like you ain't never wanted me to walk home so I was just going that's when I first knew she cared uh-huh I was like she's upset I mean she's getting all the way to let you break up like she want to talk about it was just giving all the way to let's break up I was like oh she doesn't like me like more than I like her as much of that like her he's really one-sided when I knew I wanted to marry her is we're in college I was in ROTC and I was terrible yeah just literally worse soldier or airman awesome yeah so I was thinking about my future like you know cuz you're you know if you've completed you're gonna be an officer and you're gonna get a duty station for college so at that time before I got kicked out I was like man I don't know where they'll send me but I want her to go you know I had visions of a local military smells like the most logical being right cuz college my job wasn't very clear when I got out of college military was a very sure thing yeah my dad was any her dad was in it everybody matters all either and or retired and nobody even got out after five years like everyone was in Korea tired 20-year minimum right so that was the most logical thing so I was like man wherever they see me I can imagine us having a little house and we first get our housing it's gonna be small but you know I'll be grateful so and that's when I realized yeah build it you know a little three-bedroom on officers side of town actually I was thinking I'm gonna be an officer so it's gonna be a little bit nicer and I was like I want her to come and then I got kicked out why I was the absolute world I gave you two specific that's not why they kicked me out there's three things literally terrible so they did uh interrogation they weren't caught investigations interrogation but I can never inspection inspection I would do cool on a uniform uh-huh but I could not tell them planes apart I just guess if it was a cargo plane I guess see winning team and if it was a fire Jay it was f-16 every time there was like ten fireplace this is a Boeing 737 that was one thing I did terrible inspections because I couldn't learn the stuff the second thing was I would not wear my uniform all day to college at all I would go forward when I went to leadership they work all yell labs leadership laughter I'd wear it then I go back to my dorm and take it off cuz I hated the Hat I was like this is done I just it was dumb because on a military base everybody's wearing it so it looks it was normal right on a college campus and he's almost like 30,000 people yeah and there was like maybe 50 people in Air Force ROTC so nobody black in it at all someone a few black people in one and I was just so recognizable for the wrong reasons so I gotta cry you know warm up but the main reason is because I used to skip PT we'd have to go every Tuesday and E rain I just was like cold and when they kick me out I cried he did ruins right very surprised I was surprised they kicked me out surprised I cried it was nothing this I think because it was a realization of like so what am i doing yes because I was like the military you got in trouble you got an article 15 you still had a job right you never gonna get busted down rank but you would always have a job right so I was just like dang I'm not gonna have a guaranteed job get out but I still want to be with her the one thing that actually happens quite often our relationship is I recognize when Kevin over something before he does a lot of my job yeah and I think actually God does it that way on purpose because I need that time to process once I'm over it it is it's quick it won't be good but it happened with a TD for probably months I was trying to convince Evan stick would actually like I knew the time had passed yeah and it was time to move on and he wasn't with it at all and then when it happened I was like I'm okay with this but if it didn't have if it happened prior to that mind shift for me I would have been a wreck I would have been crying I would have been stressed I would not have been good for me so I think God his purpose he like he just let me just plant the seed for Melissa right so that way when it happened she is fully equipped to handle this situation yes how did you know that it was serious I mean he's already he's got these design ring picked out he's going he's going everywhere he just you know he left Airport but he's still got a thought history of getting kicked I got fire four places so how did you know how did I know see I'm gonna ever get at these questions because I don't know if I had like a moment as much as it was like the culmination of everything if I you know take any specific moment like pause at any point in time I look back and say he's a mess he's done this he said this he said that this is a person I can spend the rest of my life with and that was only compounded with time yeah okay he built the case for himself exactly exactly will the case for himself and there was it was the system and he was consistent was definitely it treated me really well up to that point and that's far it was we had a good relationship and this was the other thing that was actually important anytime we had issues and I presented them to Kevin he was always willing to make the effort to change Oh even when we were dating when we were in college and like there's specific moments that I can think of and like there was change that happened and it was immediate or you know working toward it immediately and those are things that you look for my mom always I'm a daddy's girl my dad always treated my mom with respect I've always treated my me and my sisters with love and respect and I could see my dad in Kevin and not in like that industrial type of way but like you know demonstrating those qualities that I'm like my dad is my dad is yeah he is fantastic let me live all the reasons why I can go down that list and do a side-by-side and say Kevin is doing those things that's awesome so because you were super scientist into fighting because all the things dating sex intimacy uh-huh how did y'all deal with that by not so the thing number one is that I don't think saving yourself to marriage is an old-school thought process mm-hmm I think that just stating saving yourself to marriage is an old-school thought process thank you I think what we have to do is teach and educate our young people and those people you know generations to come why it is important and allowed them to me those decisions based on educated understanding of the impact and the consequences of diverting from what we taught yeah and that's what we don't do and I wasn't taught that I wasn't given that opportunity to learn why I was making this decision it was simply don't do it and so I ended up cutting off every part of my sexual being and so when I got married I was ill-prepared unprepared ill undo ill-prepared to deal with a sexual being that needed to be you know kind of woken up and figure out what was going I wasn't prepared for that person to come alive and so I was way behind the eight-ball and so I think God it's in the Bible for a reason God stated that for a reason and we have strayed away from that reason we simply laid out thou shalt not and that's it yeah and scared people off from sex and that and we shouldn't do it like that it's not a healthy way to approach sex it builds a negative association and you build us a negative relationship with sex and your sexual being and you don't need that's not healthy in a relationship in a marriage that's not healthy I need to be in tune and aware of my sexual being so I can have a healthy relationship with my spouse otherwise you have a friendship and we to be clear we I don't want to put it out there that we didn't do anything like at all because we I used to turn messed around you know we we were in college I spent the night with her a couple times and she stayed at my apartment we never had sex when everyone even got like close in that way right but we kissed when we were in high school just in college Oh YUM but like I say like between first and second - I was trying to steal second I never woulda got to third and everything get home til the Bears day but I was trying to steal second I'm kind of pickle I made a half wait a second hey never full full second but and but that's really more a testament to Melissa strengths than mine because I remember we were like there's some days we had like three or four days in a row I remember being like should we just buy a condom because you know it wasn't that I wanted to have sex but it was like man like if we gets that point we feel like it's too close we don't want to get you pregnant right that cuz we were in college like that's for sure of what we don't want to do and Melissa's like no because if we do that and our chances of actually doing it are much higher and I was like you know that's right because then I got the kind of language you should be pregnant you know so yeah but one thing we that helped us when we were like stopping or time stop was the amount of time we spent in the in the naughty hours all right so you're hanging out at 3 o'clock in our dorm room there that's one thing right there's like not much you can do but roommates out of town it's Friday night everybody's going from the weekend and we're staying up there it's it's midnight now that's gonna be a harder thing to say no to beYOU know your thoughts start going she smells good it's cold let's just get right and turn the light up cause there's a guy on a TV and I cannot see we're watching to see you at 4:00 well you don't mean like that so so we had to really eliminate that type of stuff because it was really like the opportunity yeah you give yourself too many opportunities you're officially gonna like make a mistake but you're really are you making a mistake are you setting yourself up to right I think that's powerful you guys being a cop so what that means is that you guys were away from any kind of guidance any kind of security absolutely and so you guys have to step up yourself which are over character absolutely that's heavy how how mean and kept with an ability I wasn't a virgin well I understand how how how can we just I want you [Laughter] I think for me it was it was three things I was saved now I was trying to get back to before I had sex two I respected and Alyssa and her decision a lot and I did not want to ruin our relationship in that because I knew how important it was to her right that we're talking about the thing that stopped me from trying to push forward right right is I was like really respecting her I think a lot of times people asked how we doing my boyfriend's not into it like I've been thinking about you now and this is whether you're Christian or not yeah if you don't share the same values yes then the person just gonna push relentlessly or whatever cuz they don't respect what you're trying to do or understand it or whatever like I was trying to do it but if she wouldn't open up in my madness whatever I mean like I don't want to get you pregnant but that doesn't mean I want to have sex do you know what I mean like that type of stuff but because I respected her and her values and I wanted to hurt and know that what's important to her is important to me that's kind of what kept me but then yeah thank you in order to do it and I have to physically say I can't really stay over here like that right because as much as I respect you you smell good I know like my hormones are not Christian everyone go laughter whatever and no matter I'm feeling bad and I don't want her to resent me or regret this and now we got to deal with that and that was kind of what I didn't want to do so in order respect her I respected her values lesser than that yeah a little bit values you have to line up you cannot convert somebody yeah right just because I'm saying that I'm not gonna do it and if I meet the right one and he really likes me no wait no they're gonna continue to try cuz that's what they're there to do yeah at that point like if your values are not lined up then it's a it's not going to work but it's gonna be very difficult to try to convince someone yes the problem is that think we were talking about earlier about setting precedents the problem is is that there's a precedent set that they don't respect you enough to pull themselves back right it's right that's very important not saying it doesn't not saying it can't happen now Stanton doesn't have it I'm not saying that at all but I am saying that when you see that yeah well you see somewhere else in your life where they powerful especially in the church the Christian communities that we've got switch gears and talk about being an entertainer mmm habit how long was it after the military post college all of that but you said I think I want to be an entertainer I mean how did that make you you know what's interesting I think I always did it you know in a way because we'll be Farzin Air Force ROTC I was just a class clown like I was always entertained people even as a kid like we were chosen Church me and my brother would always be in them we would do skits and plays our mom's a writer so she was always like writing and stuff and I wanted to do that type of stuff in high school I did stand up for the first time in like 16 at a church oh yeah this talent show played drums like I was always confident you know doing something doing something where people are watching me and even in college I wrote plays in college I wrote plays but I'd say towards the end of college is when I was like I want to make something of this you know so we were writing plays and trying to get put on and you know we're gonna put on our play on catch on we're gonna get the I of tire parity let me talk somebody's gonna so that was all the goal for a long time and then we kind of figured out that we have to like build our home thing and that's what I was like all right let's do this but I don't know if I ever said I want to be an entertainer it was like let's do a show let's write this play let's put this play on no no it became is actually what I want to do it was always something you had a side gig until you got played and I got fired I was like some Melissa was like you want to so what job are you looking for no no no like about that I think I want to do comedy attention she said that you know yes and I just think that on her and mind you the thing that's so funny in retrospect is like that wasn't even like there was no pliable way to do that in our Seattle you know I mean like there's one dude who was a full time coming but he toured so like to have two kids and might start doing Stan getting paid in Seattle to come area was like I don't even know how I thought that was gonna happen but I was like I'm gonna do this you know but I didn't do a job for the safe safety of our marriage no no no no for a while he know this is a lie so what happened was um I'll pick up where the lies begin he got fired we have a conversation about you know so what are you gonna do and he tells me I want to do this full-time I was not prepared at all or something you wouldn't happen to know I I just it wasn't a it was never a thought that crossed my mind that this thing that was once a side thing would now be something you wanted to do full-time and at the same time what was happening was YouTube was becoming a little bit more pop no actually was this is before you - so he would got friends with a local comedian out in Washington and he had a comedy show that he put her on on a weekly basis and Kevin started doing you know couple spot dates whatever he gets fired he's like oh this is what I want to do so he's gonna go to this comedy show full time I'm working I'm a mom I'm not at this comedy show all of a sudden you know social media is becoming more popular I even almost think Instagram was starting to come huh glare that when it was just before Instagram I remember number one fans showing up and I'm not friends so maybe I was Twitter and pictures were coming out from the show on Facebook and Twitter and they're on Facebook and Twitter and I was like what are all the things that's happening right because I'm not prepared and so and so that was that was a point of contention but what started to happen and I was stressed like I was really stressed I want bills to be paid I like type of roof over my head and my kids to be taken care of and you don't have a job at your you don't want a job but this is the other keV is so prideful that I apply for unemployment we live or die and then again Tyler Perry was a very popular at the time oh so he would say stuff like literally busy the conversation but you know Tyler Perry was homeless before he made it well that's never gonna be my testimony let me I won't be now when we're educated able bodies right we'll get a job first great sir that's what we'll do first person that is that best case uh so that was a point of contention but what happened was that I realized how important it was to him and we weren't greeting we were just at odds and I remember saying to him we actually had a meeting with our pastor and first lady he never remembers this but I remember this clear as day that we had a meeting with pastor or with their pastor at the time and we were talking about this and I and I told him I just want you to be and that is the moment I gave up full-time keV work why and he started doing comedy and you never remember that boy I remember no daddy as always he only remembers the bad portion of the time which it's true but the part that I remember is that moment because I recognize how important it was for him to try and so I and I said to him but I have to say to him I want you to be so many men are out there trying to do certain things and they're like you don't support me and that's why I remember it because it was hard for me yeah because it didn't make sense but I realized we were going nowhere and I've always been a like geek when it comes to relationships that my greed in a lot of books and I don't I'm sure I was probably reading a book on time during that and I had that revelation and I told him that and it changed and the whole trajectory of our lives he has me job it changed from that moment because I could have continued and to be a point of contention instead of saying go and to be honest the real Melissa like had it not been for God's grace would have continued to be a point of contention because it's not my natural inclination yeah not to say go be who I really am is I really don't care about your little dreams right I mean it's so cute you know Rubby but find a 401k somewhere right right and collect a check every two weeks but here's but let me ask you this though because even though you've got thereby blessing or whatever the case because I get that women there's a time where a wife can feel a bit too hard on those dreams wasn't there a steady consistent place in what she says I got to do this wage his heart showed that convinced you that this was where he needed to be absolutely one of the things company used to always say in I mean I remember these moments clear as day literally with tears in his eyes saying I would I'm praying to God to take oh I'm getting emotional oh I want God to take this desire the creative desire of way so I don't feel the need so I can just work so I can just clock in and those moments where I'm like like this is and I'm not this is where it comes from - Ken I never feel like I'm a creative person collect a check get a bonus and pull retirement and be it happiest fat rat because in my mind is not entrepreneurship my mind is not creativity my mind is as a young girl pencil skirt heels and a briefcase right that's success go out climb the corporate ladder get raises get promotions rule the world and a traditional like that very yes my very stable it's very and so the idea of Kevin not being able to grasp that it was that it was a turning point for him like it was a true like oh we're different like we're really different in that way this is something that is really important to you and it's going to pull you in a way that I may never understand how how did that how did that did that push you further how did that I remember this with our pastor but I remember when I remember telling her like I like I need God to take this away so I can just coach my son's basketball team job and be happy like if God will just take that desire way because the thing I was telling praying about like god I can't like have it I can't do both right I can't have all these dreams and then have no way to do them and have it hurt my family but so just take it away and I'll be cool you know but he never did he just never did so when she was like you know when when we I said when we came to an agreement it felt really good cuz before like here's the thing that was kind of crazy about it before we had kids and gotten we were married before we had kids Melissa was working with me like she was our stage manager for our place she was like really integral part into everything we did so then when we had our children or our son our oldest son she shifted like okay I got I got a baby I can't be at play rehearsal with a what a two-month-old right you know that means and I was likely she's cool baseborn would go back to play right so that's when I first started feeling when she was like when she told me like hey I can't I can't be a stage manager for you because like one it's it's hard with this baby and to is to just acting and I really can't like it's not good for him to be out in Culina in Washington it's always cold like she's like you got to take the baby out in the rain all the time he's gonna be at churches sitting around for four hours it's just not good and I took that as lack of support well you just go take care of the baby so I totally miscategorized that because in her mind I'm supporting moving let me take our son so you can go do this right instead of and instead of categories but as that I was like you don't wanna be a part of stuff anymore so and it was like from that time until like last year that we didn't work together I said I just kind of had that same revelation that transition impacted the remain the rest of our relationship that transition where I remember it being my role Kevin has these dreams he doesn't know areolar job I need to be the stable one I'll get the job I'll make sure the kids are okay like I will be in them and I don't you know care to be in the foreground like that so go go pursue your dreams go do the things you need to do I won't be like a road block for you you go do those things and when you come home who will be taking care of the kids will be clean the house will be clean everything will be clean this is me supporting and if nothing else I have a check coming in and you can get your glasses so like all of that is taken care of you got and for Kevin that intern that was interpreted as she doesn't care and to be honest that revelation for us it didn't occur to us until and I just had the revelation of when it started really was at that time until last year two years ago probably twelve thirteen years ago yeah when Jenny was born oh no yeah by eleven twelve years ago that a because what happened was we just felt like okay she's doing her thing I'm doing mine but the rest of our relationship wasn't impacted negatively right you're not I mean it's just like well keV does the plays he does comedy she does hurt and I also worked a regular job for a lot of its time so it was more like a weekend warrior you're like a guy who coaches Ally you don't even mean there's no money in it but it's not harmful so I guess what my husband does he likes to go hunting you know what I mean and that's kind of where we were and it was like well this becomes more of a thing like when our like what it really became paramount is when she got laid off last year and I quit my job now it's like okay is she gonna go back and get a job how we gonna work together so now we got to reintegrate these two lives that have been severing that way for ten plus years but now you have the the detriment of we've been used to doing it like this for ten twelve years so now she's not feeling seen or heard our value because come on I feel know that I was building all that on my home like I make the YouTube videos I added them myself put them up when I went to did stand up like I've traveled alone so I've gotten used to doing on my own and now she needs to feel incorporated back into this part of our life and that was a rough transition Mike how did you transition though man this was last week because it seems to organic now but number one coming to that understanding together and having to reenter actually going through it we're going through I thought we are on the other side of the most difficult part but we this the whole time we're doing the love hour over these last couple months we were dealing with it like I think the first things we I had to realize is I had some bad habits and they weren't even like I don't want to say bad and like they were disrespectful just like those habits didn't work for where we are now like cuz I didn't have to get her you know approve or anything because it was just somebody books me and I go do stand-up you know what I mean like but now we're talking about touring which is investing money that we both put in for and I want to do this and we're gonna be gone for X amount of time so I'll give you an example of how we kind of messed up a little bit or I messed up before the last or the first tour it was supposed to be you know actually kind of both my stuff I don't know who messed up we're gonna go into her she had talked about quitting her job and my brother was gonna help us as well my brother got sick so he couldn't help and she reneged on her I chickened out she chickened out I want to say renege but she meant to quit her job she kind of got too scared and was like I can't quit so now I have to do a tour by myself but it's it's too much for me to do by myself because I'm working a full-time job because I want her to be cool and all that we're not I get his tour fails it needs to have a job right all right that was kind of our agreement you know so I had to hire a tour manager so Melissa's you know kind of even back to our play days she's we have conference calls on like Tuesday and this conference call was set up around my schedule when I'm driving home from work because I wasn't trapped for an hour and a half so I'm like let's do it from 6 to 7:30 when I Drive home from work so that worked very well for me didn't work for her because she's at home cooking for the boys helping with homework coming home from soccer practice so she would have the phone on mute that she wouldn't join in the conversation not because she didn't care now I'm telling you this in hindsight right but because she was cooking dinner or help me boys at the homework and she got to say no two plus two is four let me see it okay all ready to eat go take a shower but she's listening so she doesn't talk for maybe two conference call did she misses one she reads it that way so the next time I doubt it late don't she'd out in late I went to the grocery store she dog in like I don't know so I tell the tour producer look Melissa is just not in like I'll just text you you know cuz me and the to produce are starting to talk about business in between the conference calls so I tell Melissa like look don't worry about it like I already talked to the tour producer we don't have to have his comments calling me okay we get there we got done so what happened was that did happen the beginning part and I called in my maybe I did miss and actually it may have been too it may have been I called in late one time and then one time I miss that part actually maybe true but what happened was is I'll concede that point so then what happened was he's texting I'm unaware of the side conversations that they're having so the following week I call in no one calls in so I'm on the phone waiting for someone to call in no one calls in I'm like a game was happening so cat comes home and I'm like what's happening like no one's joined the call like what's going on and all he says is we just cancelled it okay that's fine I didn't know it was cancelled no one told me it was canceled before today that's fine I don't realize until months into the tour that they've been texting on the side about and not that I have a problem with that but like not that it's an imperfect conversation is what I mean is about but it's just about business but I'm unaware that this business conversation is happening on the side and I'm oblivious to what's going on so what happens is once we start this tour I feel like oh you guys have done this together and now I'm just here and that does it it caused 10 between us because I'm like first of all let me just tell you how I am Oh another old female feeling why she got a better connection and dinner access and better I don't have any conversations that I'm underwear and make an agreement and I don't know what's going on because at the end of the day I'm not that person but I'm gonna be that person right now right right so don't feel like this is our thing right this is my thing and you're here and I had to and I'm not that person but sometimes I'm bad she's going crazy and so it was a hard adjustment and it was a conversation and so we had to have that conversation of life so that's not gonna work we ended up you know fixing it we all had a group chat but I was telling him that still even to this day I need to tell you actually what happened just a few weeks ago and I was like I can still see the effects of how that we had done that it's still like that the way things are worded today that it made me feel like and I told him everyone would say you see these posts about the tour and everyone say we're on tour and I was a part of it and I never felt like I could say that I never felt I always felt like it was Kev's thing and it was you know that you guys did it and I'm just kind of here and the nerve to feel like that when I've made a decision 12 years ago hello somebody right that allowed this moment to come to pass quite literally had I been a roadblock then we may not be where we are now my jet how does one pause you at this time I can't at this time I'm thinking well she don't care she don't want to get on the conference call so how dare you be mad Ryan I included he wasn't even important it wasn't important enough to jump on two weeks in a row so I'm reverting right back to and not honestly I wasn't even mad at her I was just like okay I gotta find my whole thing up until like the last four months I'll figure it out yeah don't worry about it I figured out I'm gonna get this i'ma get whatever I'm gonna hire somebody I'm gonna get I got ready I'm gonna I'm gonna get it going so I wasn't even with her but in I had internalized this is not an ordinary because one she was gonna quit her job we're gonna do this together she didn't quit her job so she doesn't trust me enough this is gonna work and then when we have these conference calls you don't care enough to be on them so no problem I'm gonna still make it happen so all this stuff is happening simultaneously and we're not having conversation and we're not having those internalizing this snub people always come to us like I don't know what happened with our marriage and people feel like things like infidelity happened just because somebody's not having sex Oh people like infidelity happened just because oh my gosh she wasn't giving it up enough or he just couldn't control himself things like infidelity happen with men and women when they stopped feeling secured I'm gonna tell you exactly how this could have happened they didn't have this wow you figured it right so one thing is misinterpreting her actions with lack of support so that's an unchecked feeling right so now I hire this person to do a job who happens to be a woman yes right who because she needs a paycheck is very supportive it internalizing that is support I'm really all she's doing is making sure she does her job right right but as a man I can internalize her doing a good job as support especially because she doesn't challenge me and anything because she's not my wife right well I'm the boss so whatever you want to do I'll do it Melissa doesn't operate like that and then whatever you want to do we don't talk about that doesn't make sense so I'm like okay cool whatever you know but this person's like yes everything's a good idea yes there were times where Melissa was like I don't wanna be on tour anymore right and at this point in my life that's something I could not stop doing like she knows that so like right now I'm on tour and she's staying with a boy that's because we decided one the love hours hard to do in really small cities because some of these cities don't sell period and to our kids were like it's too much yard both gone yeah and we lost our new Fernando back to Africa we've missed you sir so the boys are life can we not go hon so me Melissa agreed in planning that she'll come on the summer bigger markets more value where time bullets will be her mom right now unchecked I can be down on the road with this woman right we're away from my wife who I'm you know internalizing some angst away from her and now I'm now you can see how people cheat with somebody that they don't even find attractive right right convinced it's cuz it's not even about that anymore it's you are feeling a need that I don't feel needed at home now we're feeling close and I'm internalizing your work as support next you know hey I'm gonna bring something are you hungry I'm gonna bring something up to you to eat because I just did whatever that is comments like man I wish I wish your wife could see this or yeah your wife doesn't seem like she's really into this wow she doesn't seem to support you like this right things like that happen in those absolutely so that's where it becomes very dangerous because to me that all balls back to on unattended to feelings and unfeeling that you don't communicate or understand or deal with or and that's part of it at least for me as a man I can easily say is I can't say or have a hard time saying what you did hurt my feelings well when you did this it made me feel this way so I just be nice cool cool I got good you know yeah that like I'm hard and where I'm really feeling this man we we said we was doing this together and you bailed on me and hurts and you and when you bailed on me and make it hurts and he made me feel like you didn't trust that we could do this together so now I gotta prove to you that you were wrong about me and I'm looking at you as the enemy of my dream as opposed to a person any more s instead of someone who took a back seat to support me you know what I mean so that's why I feel like those difficult conversations are so important so we can kind of the come away is is if you don't talk they're still hearing something if you don't hearing yes and we're great that might be the best thing anybody said and I just had a lot of stuff but I'm trying to hear you yes I'm trying to get something from you because I value you we love each other the people we love hurt us the most because we're hearing whatever we're hearing from them so they need to hear what's going on internally or they hear them saying you always paint a narrative worse than the truth Oh always fan of narrative oh yes garden I had well we were there was this huge beef that we had and we realized that the more time we spent in the quiet zone the more time we had conversations and arguments with ourselves and for us it was like we came away with that way with we always loved each other but Satan never comes in a place where it's he's gonna be opposed to how you feel he's always gonna whisper in cosign everything yeah yeah it is gonna sound like your voice in your minds bird box absolutely fin powerful so that's that's real yeah that's awesome take away because so many people are suffering from that now so many relationships are suffering from that absolutely and then you're just to commend you you you guys ability and willingness to grow mm-hmm personally is what's getting you overeat when this was happening I told her when we were on the other side of this I said this is the most work we've had to do in our marriage since we got married because the other transitions were expected like when she had a baby I was like okay I know things are gonna change she's had a baby second baby things are gonna change we're having a baby moving to LA is gonna change you know what I mean her parents got divorced that was unexpected and the way she changed was not I wasn't prepared for it but it means it's like she wasn't jealous before her parents get divorced she's jealous that makes sense the transition from our no safety net to for Entrepreneurship was not a transition we are prepared to do that much work and we didn't see it coming in that same way and I remember thinking like man this is how people get divorced it's not egg you hate each other it's just that you all of a sudden God it's like Friday before the last week of school your teachers like we got a pop we got a huge test and project due on Wednesday or like wait what nobody does this so that's kind of what I was like it was like a brand new humongous issue that required a lot of work and we hadn't I had to work that hard in a long time I'll tell you what it was what it what happens with transitions a lot of times is it's it's exposing yeah yeah and so even when you have these underlying feelings and I often say one of my goals on the podcast is to put language and words to people's feelings because you feel things you don't always have the words to verbalize that had that conversation you know to have that dialogue with your spouse cos you like I just know I feel irritated I just know you're the issue right so so you going through that was very it was exposing and thankfully I had read enough books to understand what was going on so that I could have a conversation and say this is what is wrong with me these are the reasons why and there is a pattern over the past 15 years and I thought I could goodbye and to be honest head thinks the the status quo I could have but this change has opened up so much that what we've done previously won't work in the future I need a change and I actually remember saying that like we have to change and I've been not studying but because I want to do a little bit of studying so I do a little bit of research about Gottman's the Four Horsemen of divorcement oh gosh yes my contentment is one of under I mean not contentment not content is one of them and so is recent as resentment and so yes content content in resentment yeah are two of the the four horsemen and I could see because again and I honestly I just thank God that I even like was aware that those negative conversations that you have though that inner you know the Satan coming in and just you know let me just cosign what you're angry let me just compound that and let me give you evidence as to why he gets on your nerves and let me give you evidence as to why this isn't gonna work and let me give you a that happens and it builds that resentment yes and it builds content and the more you replay that in your mind the more you're going to interact with your spouse in that way yes so now it's no longer your coaching me yes yes so now if this is how divorce happens it's not about the situation anymore yes yes yeah yes your character is the problem you are the problem we don't get along and you've done this this and not this specific circumstance not that we didn't have a conversation about it not that I didn't tell you how I really felt about it you don't love me you don't respect me and that is why we're here and now we need a divorce because I'm sick of dealing with it right and that's what how it's and you have to talk it's the it Isabel you don't even know what we are arguing about the theme no we're aren't you represent everything that's been bothering me it's so many people so many married people wait until it's there before they try to learn yes and you're not trying to learn about if you're not trying to learn about what's wrong with me at that point you're not to learn about more what do I need to change what do I need to see in me it's like you're trying to learn what can I do what can I read to make Kanyon act the way you told me God that a husband is supposed to who can I go to that is going to co-sign my side so that way big enough right now but if we don't treat marriage help marriage help in marriage books and supposed to be marriage conferences and and things like that are preventative maintenance yes they are preventive care what is it on secures with the pound of prevention prevention a pound of cure I didn't know that but a man that sounds great somebody said somebody's late which basically means what you just think do the preventive maintenance below head verses it's preventative because if you don't all of a sudden like you said everything that is the problem which now is your spouse you no longer are in a position to work on you if you're no longer in a position to fight and work towards your own marriage that's why it's like Kenya for longest time when we first started working with couples it was like then you're in a reason yeah the problem became though is that you can't come to us when everything's falling apart right but only one was only one what only work is willing to change the other one and the other one is not willing to change at all and so that's the thing it's creating an opportunity and I don't care if you don't read and listen to books on do audiobooks if you don't if you don't have a mentor find a male or a female who was out there that you can aspire to be like we listen to my pastor on podcast before we join the church and inside they've joined before we even moved to our town because we listen to the integrity that him and his wife had as a couple run and so if that's the case do not wait until the very last minute to be like fine let's go work on this marriage and if it don't work this time I'm out well no you ain't been working for the last three years you've been coasting for the last 15 years got no conflict you've had nothing to challenge you said you know what's exposing you is what's going to it supposed to be building you and you're letting it rip you we're Kenyan antek are Martin and you just watched a clip from our podcast the soul ties podcast if you want to hear more the link to the full episode is below in the description have a relationship question that you want answered leave a comment below and your question could be featured on our next live and don't forget to subscribe and hit the belts and you don't miss any future episodes thanks again for watching we'll see you in the next video

Channel: Ask The Martins

Views: 17,975

Rating: 4.9790301 out of 5

Keywords: the love hour, kevonstage, mrskevonstage, Podcast, relationship, dating advice, dating tips, first date tips, love advice, love and relationships, move with me, new love, new relationship, podcasting, relationship advice, relationship advice for women, relationship goals, relationship help, relationship podcast topics, relationship q&a, relationship q&a questions, relationships

Id: 0r2W6vBZeRk

Length: 55min 44sec (3344 seconds)

Published: Thu Sep 12 2019