I'm losing control.

I'm afraid of flying I said it there I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders but it's true I am so scared each and every time I step on an airplane now that might seem random for me to start off a video with and especially random considering how much travel I actually do in my day-to-day life people who know me or follow my work either on instagram or here on YouTube know that we travel a lot right for business for personal reasons like we are constantly on the go traveling across the country traveling around the world and it's not like I've taken a steam boat to get there so what's the deal well the truth is I fly a lot but I hate flying I hate it so much I am so scared every time I step on a plane but in order to understand why I'm afraid of flying and uhm quite honestly why I'm choosing to tell this story now of all times feels really random we we have to rewind back to 2006 and I know that sounds like a long time ago but don't worry we'll be back to present-day soon enough it's there's a point to all this I just need to start there put yourself in the mindset of not having an iPhone or an Android but instead having a Motorola RAZR and you know sonic o6 was new and people were excited about it so in the summer of 2006 I was fortunate enough to get to do a study abroad program for theatres in London and it was no exaggeration one of the coolest experiences of my life as a teenager I ate slept and jazz handed theater all day every day and so to do nothing but two months of theater in a foreign country watching plays every night and then getting to spend the rest of the time with some of my best friends in a foreign country it was awesome I was broke all through college in America and at the time I remember the conversion rate of the British Pound to the US dollar was two dollars for every one pound which made me doubly broke in the UK it meant that all my lunches were razor thin slice of peanut butter on top of like a crumpet that I got from like the local Tesco let's just say that I lost a lot of weight during that summer did it mean that I missed out on the local cuisine yes but also if you know British cuisine did I really miss out on all that much don't get me wrong UK I love your theater I love your public transit system and I love the fact that you gave us Harry Potter but let's be serious a man can only have so many mushy peas in his life anyway long story short the program was amazing I left loving theater even more than I already did and I made friends and memories that would last a lifetime I just didn't want to leave and then the day the program ended something happened that made me really not want to leave I'll never forget it I remember exactly where I stood the program director gathered us all together pulled us aside and he let us know that the previous night it had been discovered that there was a terrorist plot that local authorities had found a group of terrorists who are planning on attacking planes set to fly from the UK back to the US on the same day that we were set to return from the UK to the u.s. in case you don't remember that particular terrorist plot you know why you're not able to carry water bottles or large bottles of contact solution on the planes was this this 2006 foiled terrorist plot this wasn't just a plot to bring down one or two airliners at least seven perhaps more would have been blown out of the sky on a single day these were the men prepared to launch those attacks using liquid bombs the plan was for them to smuggle explosives in liquid containers water bottles I think Tang was actually the biggest one that they were gonna use what you know of itself should have been a primary indicator there big red flag my friends who's drinking tang luckily the authorities had found it out before anyone got hurt but I mean that was the day that we were set to fly out on planes that we were flying out on how do you know right how do you know that they got every one how do you know that there wasn't some back-up plan or that the liquids were the only thing that they were planning on using and it's not like there was anything I could do to avoid flying on that day right like the dorms had been shut down flights were getting delayed all over the place and I told you we were dirt poor I wasn't gonna be able to afford a last-minute international flight change and so he just had to born through the massive delays through the three hours four hours of security lines like it was insane I remember calling my folks before getting on the plane to let him know that we were finally boarding and that there was gonna be massive delays and that I loved them I wasn't sure what would happen during that seven and a half hour flight on the way back it was a seven and a half hour overnight flight and yet I did not sleep awake I was hyper alert the entire time watching everything every hour on the hour I remember I would go to the bathroom and open up all the different drawers and compartments where they store extra toilet paper and like ladies sanitary things and even dig through the garbage just because I was convinced that if someone was going to assemble a bomb on a plane that would be where it was hidden and so I would dig through and see if there was anything suspicious there were suspicious things in the garbage can but not anything that was particularly dangerous from my seat I would just be upright and I was watching everyone as they would get up and pull things out of the like overhead compartment or pull things out of their bag thinking what is it are they getting up too many times what are they pulling out is it something that could be dangerous it occurs to me now like what is it 14 years later it occurs to me now that I was probably the most suspicious person on that plane with my like weird routines going to the bathroom me like looking around constantly but yeah that's I mean that is how my brain coped with it I mean let me be clear I feel guilty that I suspected literally everyone else on the plane but I mean what was I gonna do right in my mind this was life or death and if there was anything that I could have done in that situation to help protect myself and everyone else on that plane well I was gonna do it even if that meant suspecting everyone even if it meant some oddly extended trips to the bath through I mean what are a couple hours of lost sleep for the opportunity to land safely and keep your life that's exactly what happened right it was a completely non eventful flight nothing happened and I went to my normal everyday existence except with one delightful new feature a crippling anxiety about flying on some levels I think it makes sense that I was terrified on that flight right I mean the coincidence of having a terrorist plot happening on the same day that you are set to fly and not only that but also on the same flights that you're supposed to take yeah that's gonna make someone pretty darn jumpy the problem was it wasn't just limited to that one flight after that day I was so terrified to step on any plane ever it was literally days if not weeks in advance that I would start feeling the anxiety building up in me and I would do things like researching weather conditions researching the make and model of the plane to make sure it didn't have a significant crash history looking on turbulence forecast calm great website by the way it's still one of my most visited on my phone to make sure that I understood weather patterns that were happening that day and see how much turbulence I would expect for that individual flight even stuff as crazy as making sure to plan my travel and my vacations around days that didn't have some sort of like number significance right like not national holidays not the anniversary of 9/11 or some big dictators birthday or whatever even stuff like avoid the lucky number Seven's 777 or avoid the Crazy Eights like oh wait Oh 808 what if you take the day and the month and you multiply me to get the year well that is out right I mean ridiculous stuff like this and I know that by telling you this I am making myself sound like a crazy person but this is what I was going through I mean flight attendants would come by my seat and stop and ask if I was okay or if I needed like a nausea bag because of how pale and bleary-eyed I wasn't some of these flights I got to the point where Stephanie had to tell the flight attendants in advance that I was a nervous flier so that way they wouldn't get suspicious of me or I would be stuck in a foreign country because she didn't get me to go on a plane there was one instance where we're leaving Amsterdam and it was like to get to Italy and I swear if it hadn't been for Stephanie actually convincing me to get on that flight I would still be an Amsterdam right now for a while I thought that my phobia of flying was tied to the 2006 thing obviously but also to my memories of September 11th I was 14 at the time a freshman in high school and I remember that morning I remember joking with my friends actually when the news first broke because we didn't understand it we didn't it didn't process right we had just heard it through like some other people talking about it but then you saw the footage and you saw the planes entering the buildings and you saw the loss of life that came with it and the wreckage and that's when a switch flipped like that suddenly this this world that just kind of exists you're blissfully ignorant of it when you're in high school right or at least you used to be this is the days before Internet we're really prevalent and so like it just existed out there right you your world was high school your world were like your extracurriculars and whether or not you got on a swim team or whatever but suddenly what September 11th that bubble popped it just in a way and all of a sudden the world comes crashing in literally and figuratively and it's no longer a safe space it's no longer this blissfully ignorant area suddenly the world is chaotic and threatening and scary and the thing is I love math and science and statistics big shocker there and so of course I was able to logic my way through knowing that yeah my chances of getting injured in an airplane are like one in three million but I just couldn't logic my way out of that fear of flying the best that I could do was all that research leading up to the flight which made me at least feel like I had done some semblance of controlling for all the variables and you see that's the operative word here control me with my head on a swivel watching everyone and in the bathroom digging through the trash it was me trying to control the situation when in reality I was powerless to prevent any sort of accident the future flights again all that research all that looking into the variables around that flight or me trying to control every element that I possibly could when let's be honest what was it really doing nothing just feeding into my anxiety even back when I was in school I was totally that kid right I would memorize everything that was on the study guide because then I would be able to answer everything right and thus control the grade that I got and then my brain would get that little shot of dopamine saying you did good kid and I'd be like no what does any of this have to do with the channel why am I telling you this story now well it's been on my mind a lot as we've been trapped in quarantine because if there's one thing 2020 has been about it's about a lack of control in the aftermath of that 2006 thing I had this fantasy this complete pie-in-the-sky goal to be rich and successful enough that I could actually buy a plane and I wouldn't be buying it to be fancy or for the luxury of Anor frontal flex or anything like that I'm not a Jake Paul or anything like that III wanted it so I could feel safe finally on a plane so I could be in control because if you own the plane you've chosen the make and model you've chosen the pilot or heck maybe you're even the pilot yourself you know each and every person who is on that plane cuz you're the one who created the guest list and then 20 20 happened and reality shattered that fantasy specifically in January 26 that was the day when the news broke that star basketball player Kobe Bryant had died along with his daughter in a tragic helicopter accident a private helicopter accident I was heartbroken not because I have some big basketball fan but because the story was tragic because here was a guy who had it all right he had it all he had youth and he had good looks and he was talented beyond belief and he had money and success and fame and a beautiful family and he was just a nice guy to boot as opposed to a lot of other celebrities he was just a caring and compassionate guy by all accounts of anyone who knew him if there was someone who had the means to control every element of his life it was him in what it can all be taken away in I wanted to do this video back then in the aftermath of that event because it was just something I was thinking about a lot you know and I wanted to get those feelings out on the channel to talk to you guys about but then 20 20 hit again found a new way to show that you are still out of control I'm obviously talking about coronavirus now it isn't just about a flight here there suddenly everything is a threat we were and still are being forced to deal with a threat that could be anywhere on anything because it's invisible I mean it is like the worst game of prop hunt ever a really reductive way of looking at it but it's actually kind of true it sucks right and sure you wash your hands you wear your mask you hunker down you quarantine yourself you do your best to control the situation as much as you can but again just like on a plane there's only so much you can do at a certain point even the most prepared of us even the most controlling of us can have instead of a tragic accident we can have ourselves a tragic diagnosis there's 20/20 hammering that point home yet again the thing is what I've learned and what I'm still learning is that whether it's terrorists on planes or worldwide pandemics or back normal everyday fears like failing a test or trying out for the school play or asking the girl out and she rejects you like whatever you know the normal everyday mundane fears that we used to have before all this craziness ed the fact is we can't let fear control our lives the need that I had to control everything around me when it came to flights was quite frankly unrealistic and in some cases even downright self-destructive as I missed out on opportunities that were presented to me it was only once I started to force myself onto planes again more accurately Stephanie physically forcing me onto planes again that my fear of flying actually got better I mean I still get nervous but not nearly to the extent that I was getting scared but that's only after twenty thirty flights F that 2006 experience and the thing is that's actually scientifically proven the single most effective treatment for phobias is exposure therapy it actually has been shown to alter brain chemistry so that way the body starts to understand that there's nothing to be afraid of here that I can actually handle this that the fear that I have is unfounded now don't get me wrong I am far from calm when the plane shakes in the air and I am still a frequent user of turbulence forecast calm like I mentioned before but the thing is I'm a lot better I am so so much better when I learned to let go of that need for complete control I was able to finally grow past that point in my life that control that I wanted so badly it was all an illusion it was a lie it wasn't real you can do your best to try and shape the world into exactly what you want it to be but at a certain point the world just pushes back it's not gonna cooperate and so at those points it comes down to a choice are you actually gonna choose to let fear dictate how you live your life or are you actually going to live by acknowledging the fear accepting it and then moving through it because that's the thing fear is fine it is normal it is healthy to be afraid but once that fear starts controlling your life to a crippling degree that's when it becomes dangerous that's when it becomes destructive because it's your life you need to live it and you can't sacrifice opportunities for yourself because of some vague fear I think the moral of this whole story is coronavirus is gonna end one of these days someday soon probably will get the all-clear from officials and then probably a week later will get the all-clear from the people who actually know what they're talking about saying you can go outside normal life is open up to you again and I'm afraid that we're gonna be too anxious too scared to accept that and don't get me wrong I'm not saying break quarantine early or or go to the park or walk down to the bodega to get a burrito with a hundred of your closest friends no I'm we need to give this the time that it takes to solve but I'm saying when we are past that point where we are in the safe zone we need to accept normalcy again we have to say yes I'm okay getting back to my normal life because if we don't then what was this all for what were the months of quarantine for what were the people who are on the frontlines of this thing the doctors and nurses what were they fighting for they were fighting for us to be able to get back to our normal lives to get back to a place where we're not governed by fear anymore we're not constantly worried about some invisible threat around us all the time but if we don't allow ourselves to get past that anxiety if we don't go out and face that fear head-on all of that all of those months of sacrifice are wasted it's a whole thrown away the world is out there waiting and we didn't fight this hard and wait this long to just let fear corrupt it or ruin it for us and that's fear of a virus that's fear failure and that's even fear of an airplane every now and then except for skydiving not doing that know you can absolutely let fear dictate your inability to do that one because that's just stupid jumping out of a plane why would you do that that's nope anyway that's me wrapping things up here thank you so much for listening thank you for letting me get this psychological baggage off my chest I've been thinking about a lot of this maybe too much lately and I just needed to get it off my chest but uh thank you for being there I hope it was interesting to you I hope you found it helpful maybe to some of you out there we're getting through this together and remember that's just a chat Oh Matt chat stay safe see you on the other side

Channel: The Game Theorists

Views: 3,700,604

Keywords: matchat, matchats, fear, anxiety, losing control, fear of flying, kobe bryant, coronavirus, pandemic, scared, afraid, how to deal with fear, how to deal with anxiety, game theorists, game theory, matpat, matpat couch, i'm losing control, matpat i'm losing control

Id: xS1eQxIP9Vw

Length: 19min 35sec (1175 seconds)

Published: Fri May 01 2020