Fellas, you ever take your girl on a trip but you secretly broke? (audience laughs) Like you not broke when the trip starts, but you know once you get back, you done. (audience laughs) You homeless adjacent. If she see your bank
account at the airport, she gonna be like, "Ooh,
we should take a break. (audience laughs) Like you should get back on your feet." Ladies, y'all don't know the stress it is to be on a vacation and you the only one thinking about money. You and your girl having
two separate trips. (audience laughs) Your girl having the trip of her lifetime frolicing and splashing in the water, signing up for activities and sh*t, Face Timing the homegirls. "Wish you were here." You are like, "n***a, me too, n***a, to put in, sh*t." She having the vacation of a lifetime. You on the other side of the beach, just doing beautiful mind math. (audience laughs) Just doing secret geometry. Just adding up all the totals so far. Like why is she way more
hungry on this island (audience laughs) than she's ever been at home? Who needs room service at 3:00 AM? You hungry, hungry hippo ass n***a. Go to bed. You there stressed at night like I'm gonna have to get a job here (audience laughs) so we can go home. You ever been on a tropical island? DoorDashing on the low, n***a. I'm dropping off fries to n***a before I get back to my hotel. You ever have to sell
your recreational weed? I took the time out to sneak
it and now I gotta sell it. (audience laughs) This is supposed to be my weed now I'm out there with the
locals, "I got the weed." "Nah, n***a, I got the weed,
I got it from the states. This is hurting me to
sell it to you bruh." I was on this trip in Cabo just tricking, just bleeding money, and then i rained for two straight days. I was like, "Look at God, won't he do it?" God was making it rain 'cause I couldn't. (audience laughs) And that's why he's always on time." This ain't even a joke. It's a vent. Like when you broke on a
trip, it turns you into a negative Nancy, you a pessimist. Every fun thing your girls suggest, you find the reason not to do it. "Babe, let's go jet skiing." "Ooh, that sounds fun. You know I love jet skiing. However, did some research. Those are shark infested waters, babe. Nothing but shark, shark-chella all that under the water. I wouldn't fall off. That's all I'm saying. And the water looks very choppy. So you know, if I have to rescue you, I swim better in the pool, so it's gonna be a longer rescue time." "Fine, fine. Let's just rent a boat
in the ocean, me and you. Can we do that?" "Ah, yeah, let's do that. But just remember we're in the Caribbean and what do they have? Pirates. (audience laughs) They didn't make the movie for nothing. Gotta be based on some
kind of actual events. Last thing I'm gonna do is
spend all this rent a boat money and now some skinny
African hopping on the ship talking about he the captain now. Not with all the money I spent, sir. We gonna have to co-pirate. I'm gonna die over this
deposit, my n***a." "Fine, fine. Let's just, let's just,
since we can't do anything, can we just go into town with the locals and like just dance at a nightclub? Can we do that?" "Yeah, that's cool, we can do that. You love, I love popping a bottle. Let's do it. But just remember we're
in another country, (audience laughs) and women get taken, kidnapping happens all the time. So regular. They don't even have
Amber alerts out here. You just get a text from
the government saying, "Amber gone. (audience laughs) We tried, we couldn't find her, reset." So if they come in here
trying to snatch you up and it's more than three, I got hands. But if they got tools,
I'm not Liam Neeson. I'm Liam nah son. I tried, but I'm officially single."
