I watch the news, anything that says
"studies show" piss me off. Every time you watch,
it's always studies show, studies, anything that says
studies show is bullsh*t. Studies show that cuddling
can bring down your anxiety, your blood pressure,
relieve you of stress. Who the f*ck is in the
lab for three months doing this f*cking study?
(audience laughing) Who is, your f*cking blood pressure and your f*cking anxiety is down cause you ain't been
to work in two months. (audience laughing) You been laying around cuddling. Realized something about myself this year, I don't like people.
(audience laughing) It ain't just me, clap hands
if you don't like people. (audience applauding)
See, nobody likes nobody. People are asshole, idiots. Not y'all, everybody in here is cool, I'm talking about everybody
outside is f*cking dickheads. f*cking piss me off. Morning people, ooh,
I hate morning people. I hate mornings period, I wish
the day started at 1:00 PM. f*cking morning people piss me off. Morning!
(audience laughing) Get the f*ck outta my face, man. Excuse me, Mr. grumpy pants.
(audience laughing) Get your happy ass outta here. (audience laughing) People piss me off, man. I was in Atlanta last month,
I seen a dude with a fake ass. I was mad as hell cause
I did a double take. (audience laughing and murmuring) (audience laughing) Say, "Hey man, what you doing
here with all that ass?" (audience laughing) (audience laughing)
He was like, "Morning!" (audience laughing) People tell me about myself all the time. Motherf*ckers tell me
I'm mean and sh*t, right? I didn't agree with it first, but I guess if people say
it enough, you gotta like, "All right, maybe I'm f*cking mean, I don't even give a f*ck no more." I realized I was mean recently cause this magician came up to me and asked me if I wanted
to see some tricks and I was like, "No."
(everyone laughing) The f*ck outta here, you
realize how mean you gotta be to not wanna see magic?
(audience laughing) Get the f*ck outta here man. (audience laughing) See no f*cking magic.
(audience laughing) People piss me off, this girl from high school sent me a f*cking message on Facebook, asked me for a thousand dollars. I said, "Oh sh*t, you got hacked." She's like, "No, it's really
me, I'm in a dire situation, can you help me, please?"
(audience laughing) She said, "I'll pay you back
on Wednesday when I get paid." And I should've knew it
was bullsh*t right there cause who the f*ck get paid on Wednesday? (audience laughing) I gave her the f*cking
money like a dumbass. - [Audience Member] Oh my God. - Sunday, she text me, I'm
having suicidal thoughts. I said, "You can't die yet.
(audience laughing) I need my f*cking money.
(audience laughing) After that, I'll push your ass off the f*cking top of a building, b*tch." (audience laughing) (graphics glitching) (graphic whooshing and thudding) (graphic clicking and beeping)
