This show is sponsored by BetterHelp online therapy. Visit betterhelp.com/padilla because sometimes existing is exhausting. If they put their face out there, we are allowed to comment on it. That's right. It's public domain. I want to publicly [bleep]. My name is Anthony Padilla, and I spent today with Nihachu to uncover the truth about how streaming and secret as a teenager has resulted in amassing over 3 million followers and a career, she didn't even know she wanted. She'll address the loaded rumors that forced her to hide a meaningful friendship from the public. She'll reveal, for the first time ever, the shocking and traumatic events that unfolded in her childhood and why she's never spoken about them before. Hello, Niki. Hello. When I first posted that I was going to have you on, so many people brought up how many countries you've lived in, how many languages that you speak. I've lived in six countries. I speak three languages: English, Dutch, and Español. Why did you move around so often? A lot of the times it was my mom. She also can't stay in one place for a very long time, so she has to move around a lot. She, a lot of times, moves with her boyfriends or her husbands. She gets different boyfriends and different husbands from different areas. Just collect one from every country? [chuckles] Yes. What was your childhood like there? I never had much stability in my childhood. When I was six, I got kidnapped. I stayed in Spain for three years because of that. [music] Have you ever talked about that before? No. I've talked about it in therapy. [laughter] The words have come out of your mouth before, but not in front of a camera? Not in front of a camera. I don't want to make a big deal out of it as much as like, "It's a part of me, and it shaped me." I don't want it to be, "That's the girl that got kidnapped." It was from year six to nine. We were vacationing in Spain. It was by my mom's ex-husband. He was already the ex-husband of my mom. My mom didn't know where we were for the first year and a half. Has she told you what her reaction was, immediately? She had to go back to Germany without knowing where her children were. She was completely lost, so she tried to look for us everywhere. She then found out where we were, she tried to get to us. The way she got us back was she had a new boyfriend. He woke us up with her. She was there. He woke us up in the middle of the night, took us into the car, into the airport, into the airplane, and flew us to Austria, which is where we then stayed for a little bit. After you escaped, did everything go back to normal? No. [laughter] Now, it's all a big blur. I went from one situation; being thrown into a completely new situation where I had no idea what was going to happen. My mom tried very hard to get everything back to normal. She put us into a school, but a few weeks afterwards, it wasn't very long, he showed up in my school. Sometimes like, "Is this the new chapter of my life?" [chuckles] You knew it was happening then. When you saw him, you're like, "This meant things are not the same." Yes, exactly. Then I remember Christmas and New Year's because we were in Sweden at that point. We didn't have any electricity; we didn't have any food. We didn't have anything. Is that because you couldn't afford it or because you were in hiding and you did want to be off the grid? Yes, it was more wanting to be off the grid. I remember we didn't have a Christmas tree. We picked up twigs from the ground and stuck them into a vase. Then we, with paper, cut out these little decorations, and that still is a very good memory. Even in this bad situation, I had really good memories and I hold them very dearly. Do you remember after that year and a half period of hiding what that was like? Were you able to start shifting into a more stable life? No. [laughter] Not stable. That's going to be a very big part of my life. That's going to be your theme for this video is that there's no stability? Yes, there's no stability. [laughter] We went back to Austria to where we stayed at first. My mom very quickly spiraled into alcoholism. I don't blame her because she was very stressed. Because of that, our home life, it was very hostile because her husband was already an alcoholic. She divorced him. We moved again and then it was the same thing as it was before Spain where my mom would move around not being able to stay in one place. I kept being ripped out of my friends' circle. I had to meet new friends. At that time, it was very hard for me, but now, I'm thinking it helped me to adjust to stuff like that very quickly. I can get to know people more easier, stuff like that. I realized that when I drove here today because I was like, "I could move to the other side of the world tomorrow and it would be fine for me because I'm so used to different influences and culture shocks don't shock me anymore. [music] Your tumultuous childhood prepared you for anything in the future. To a certain degree, it got you used to the idea that an unexpected thing could happen at any moment. What about your relationship with fear? What I do when I get scared of something is I will learn about it, or I will put myself into this fear. I've suffered from sleep paralysis for years. Do you think that any of that stems from your childhood? It sounds like you were taken possibly in your sleep, you were rescued in your sleep. It seems like you're on the edge of knowing anything could happen at any moment right as I'm about to fall into deep sleep. That could very much be the reason. I still wake up at every rumble or stuff in my sleep so that could very much be it. Like you need to be aware. I need to be aware, yes. Is that part of why you're talking about this here so you could face this fear of talking about this publicly head-on? I try to make people feel less alone in whatever they're going through. That's why I tell them about my experiences, but I always feel like I'm hiding something from them. Because I am, obviously everyone is on the internet. You don't say everything. Not me. I've said every single thing that's ever happened to me and everyone knows everything. Of course. Everything. Is it a part of you that you feel like people would understand you better if they knew? Yes. I just never knew how to go about it. You mentioned that you were afraid of talking about it at one point. I was. Yes, because obviously, that person that kidnapped me is still around. I was very scared to have my face out there to even say that it happened because that way it brings attention to it. What makes you feel more confident and ready to talk about it now? This video will be seen by a couple of handfuls of people. The [?] it at least. Your channel has been a channel where people have been open about their experiences. I know that people have talked about stuff like this before. I think the audience is more ready to hear things like this. Are you afraid that that person will see this now? Are you still afraid that it's bringing attention to it? I don't think they speak English. Okay. We'll keep this language only subtitled in English. When did you first start streaming? I started screaming at 17. I was still living with my mom and her boyfriend. I had just had operations on my legs, which meant I couldn't walk for almost a year. I had just moved to Switzerland. I didn't know anyone and I couldn't go outside. I was like, "Okay, well I already play video games. I already have friends online and I need something to do. Might as well try streaming." It was very interesting because he tried very hard to be my dad. He gave me rules, which as a teenager, I did not like at all. Were you like, "You're not my real dad." Yes, exactly. He would turn off the internet at 10:00 PM. I got my boyfriend to bypass it and then I would stream at night. Just out of spite. I could have streamed at daytime. I just want to make that clear. I was a rebellious teenager. [laughs] How many people were you streaming to at the time? Ten. Ten people. Yes. I was streaming to my friends, my cousin, and one or two people outside of that. Then that same year you moved out and your whole life changed. I moved out at 17. I moved from Switzerland to Berlin. I went back to school. I started working out. I started living my own life, just trying to survive, trying to stream still because I enjoyed it. I never did it as a job. I more did it as an escape. I was independent. I was myself. I could do whatever I wanted and it was very nice. How did you start gaining traction on Twitch. I would watch YouTube in my free time and I stumbled across this channel called Wilbur Soot, and I would watch his YouTube videos for a week. A week later I see on Twitter, the announcement: "Love or Host happening with Wilbur Soot." Love or Host is this streamer dating show. It's all for content. No actual dates happen. Actual dates happen. People start dating. They have to, it's a contract you have to sign beforehand. You have to get married. There's 1 streamer and 10 participants who fight for their love. The participants are able to choose between Love or Host before the show though. Love means they go on a date afterwards and date on a date afterwards. Host means that the channel is being streamed on, is going to host the other person. All the viewers are going over to that person. Oh, so you're fighting for either love or fame. Or fame. I was on the call with my friend. I was like, "What do you think if I applied to that? Wouldn't it be so funny. So, I did. [laughs] 30 minutes before I started, I got brought on and I won. How did you win? I don't know, Will chose me. He thought I was interesting enough, I guess. That night I went from 600 followers on Twitch to 15,000. Was there a moment in that time where you're like, "Oh wait, this could be a career thing happening."? No, not at all. I was very numb to it, I think. It was all very new. It was all very weird. I think the time I realized I could make something out of it, was when I went to the grocery store for the first time and I didn't have to check every label of like how much I have and how much I can pay. When it came to deciding what I want to do next. I finished school; my friends are going to university. I realized if I study medicine now, I would have zero time to do content creation and I'm enjoying it so much right now and I can live off of it. I just decided I'll do that instead. That's when I realized this is my career now. You just continued to blow up exponentially month over month? Yes. What was the next big thing? The next big thing was to Dream SMP. I went from 600 average viewers to 6,000 average viewers. How did you get invited? Will and Tommy did this bid. They don't want an American woman to be in their nation, but they wanted a woman. Then Tommy called like different people and he had my phone number and he called my phone number. He was like, "You should join the Dream SMP." I was live too. I was like, "Oh yes, I'm live right now, I don't have time for this." After that, I think Will found that funny. He found-- he thought like, "Oh, that's a good idea to invite Niki," because I guess I'm entertaining. The thumbs up on the video say, yes. Did you think that your life would change in that way when you got invited to the Dream SMP? No, never. I don't think any of us did because it was just a server for friends. I don't think anyone could have predicted how big it is or would've been now. [music] What have been some of the unexpected side effects of blowing up so rapidly? Many opinions. I think people can be very, very nice and my community is lovely. A lot of the times it is also people who dislike you for whatever reason. When they hear something that's mildly negative, they might link to that or blow it out of proportion. I'm still very young. I started at 17. I was 18 when I blew up everyone makes mistakes, especially in that age, everyone learns, especially in that age. Not everyone has millions of people watching and scrutinizing and judging and giving feedback on every single move. Exactly. I like feedback. I like when people tell me, "Hey, this wasn't good of you." I don't like, "You--?" am I allowed to swear? Say- [bleep] Exactly. I think a lot of people do observe this and they know what's going on, but they're like, "Ah, it's not that big of a deal." How does it affect you? I'm a very insecure person. I try to not read and I try to play this like a more confident person, but every single thing I read still gives me the thoughts of what if that's true? What if I am this horrible, horrible person? I started to develop very bad abandonment issues with my friends. Every time I see them go out without me; I feel left alone. I tell myself the reason why they went without me is because I'm this horrible person. You're drawing conclusions and links that aren't there because certain people, certain commentors are training you to think this is an issue. This is an issue with you. Then people make up rumors about me. It makes me think maybe I do these things. A lot of the times before that I would never think it's a problem. I got bullied for my hair, a lot. People said my hair was very broken and dry and frizzy. I wanted to be a 'scene kid'. Have you ever seen a scene kid's hair? It's [?] It's it is and I never saw a problem with that. I was like, "Yes, that's just how it is." Then people start telling me that it is a problem. I'm like, "Is it a problem?" You mentioned that recently it feels like more people are starting to become vocal about hating you. By the way, we are hosting a live stream events on this channel on July 15th. That's a Friday. You're not going to want to miss it. Mark it on your calendars immediately. It's not just a live stream. It is a live stream event and that event part is crucial because we're going to have special events. This is just a clue. You know what that means? You will if you show up to the event. In case you're not sold on this live stream event yet, we hired an AI artist to create some promotional material like this masterpiece, for example, Anthony Padilla streaming to a very excited audience member. Look how great I am at live streaming and look how excited that audience member is. That could be you. Now back to the world of Nihachu. You mentioned that recently, it feels like more people are starting to become vocal about hating you. I think a lot of the times it is just how fast the internet moves. When I was doing content with Will, I guess under the protection of Will. He likes me, so people should like me, but we stopped doing things on stream because of the whole shipping thing. It was a conscious choice to no longer be seen with Will. Yes, I think a lot of the times it's also people thinking, "She must have done something wrong because they're not friends anymore." Oh, because you're only friends if you are publicly in a friendship on streams together in front of a camera. That's real friendship. Yes, also like there's no pictures, how would you know that we are hanging out? How intense does it get for you to make a decision to change your behavior? Every second message in my chat was about him. My mods had to ban his name everywhere. Not because I didn't want to see it, but because it was getting overwhelming. I was always the Wilber girl for the longest time. I always said, "Hey guys, I know Love or Host happened, but if you guys want to watch Will, go watch Will. I'm my own person." I had Pokémon on this show recently. She mentioned that she seen it happen time and time again, when women are attached to someone else, it becomes this narrative that you are only popular because this person, you only exist in this industry because of this person. Oh yes. That was the first thing that I thought was very hard to hear. As much as, yes, I got big through the Lover or Host, I also work very hard. I stream more, I stream different things. I try to engage an audience and get where I am today. Especially now that I haven't done anything with Will in so long, I feel like I deserve credit for where I am today. How did your financial situation before streaming compared to your financial situation now? I couldn't afford my rent. I couldn't afford groceries. I ate rice and soy sauce every day for half a year, I know. It tastes pretty good. It'll get you by. I'm very thankful. This has been the most stable. I have been probably my entire life, which I find very interesting because from a lot of people I hear this is the most unstable I've ever been. It comes down to, I have learned to keep going. When something gets ripped away from me, life goes on. It feels, I guess, empowering. It feels like I made the best out of my life. Do you have your view count numbers on when you're streaming? I do. Imagine a standup and you do the standup and while you do it, people leave the room. People are coming in and out just constantly. I must have said something wrong because people are leaving. See the view count drop, or someone else goes live, I see it drop by thousands. I'm like, "Oh my God, what is going on?" Do you find yourself, attaching yourself worth to these numbers? Whenever I would have a bad stream, I would feel like a failure. I did something that upset people, and they will never forgive me for it because it's life. It's a live stream. Sometimes you say things you don't mean. Sometimes you say things that are just stupid. That stuff used to get to me the view count down. I came from a channel that was a constant upward trajectory, and then I left at 23 million subscribers and then going off to do my own thing, even though I was aware that these numbers are not a reflection of me, it did get to me. I was like, then I guess I'm nothing without this thing that I made before. Even though I've gotten a lot better at that now if a video does extremely well and it's on YouTube, the most viewed out my most recent 10, there's a little bit more energy that I feel, and if a video does much lower than I was expecting, I find myself, even though I'm not actively thinking about it, feeling a little bit of a difference. I think a big part of that also is the imposter syndrome. Even when you're doing well, and you are in a constant app, you always have this voice in your head telling you, "It's not true." That's why I would've become a psychiatrist for content creator. Other people are going to feel the same way and I want to help these people. Putting myself through this is actually going to help me in the long run. In the back of my head, I felt some comments are out there being like content creators. They don't deserve therapy. All they do is sit in their room. All they do is sit in their room and get money thrown at them. Anyone could do that. They chose this job. They should have known when they signed up. If they put their face out there, we are allowed to comment on it. That's right. It's public domain, and I want to publicly shit on it. I don't even know what to say to these people. I'm just like, do you realize that we are not just some computer AI? We are people. Sorry that we like our jobs, but every job brings bad things. You mentioned that streaming feels like an escape for you, gives you the opportunity to disconnect from the real world, and you recently did a subathon and I'd also like to thank our sponsor, BetterHelp for their continued partnership. Therapy has been really beneficial in shaping who I am today by allowing me to have empathy for my younger self, and therefore get a better understanding of who I am today. Therapy can be customized of course, to whatever is right for you and can be useful in providing tools to help with motivation or feelings of depression, anxiety, stress insecurity, or whatever else you might need. BetterHelp has been continuing to improve throughout the years and screens all their therapists to ensure that they have experience and that they're certified and licensed. 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In between listening to your favorite stories, you can always find something new to explore. Dipsea also has sleep stories, wellness sessions, and now they offer written stories, so you're set no matter what you like to consume or how you like to consume these delectable morsels. Before I spend a day with viewers and listeners of the podcast, Dipsea's offering an extended 30-day free trial, when you go to dipseastories.com/padilla. That's 30 days of full access for free when you go to D-I-P-S-E-Astories.com/P-A-D-I-L-L-A, I thought it could be a song, it was not a song I tried. Now back to the world of Nihachu. You recently did a subathon. A subathon is a stream. You go live. A lot of people go live with two hours on a timer, and this timer goes up when someone stops and stops subscribing on Twitch. It encourages people to be engaged? Then you are just live for the amount of time until the timer goes up. I capped it on a week though because it was my first one ever, and then I went for eight days instead of seven because I just had so much fun. Leading up to that. You went a month without streaming. I was dealing with my visa. I had to go back to Germany to get my passport and it was a whole thing and it was very anxiety. I was stressed out of my mind, and then obviously I was also stressed because I haven't streamed in so long and just built up all of this. Subathon was my saving grace. [chuckles] There was such a positive reaction towards it and people liked it so much, that, for me, I could finally shut off all these other emotions. I could just focus on streaming. But. There's always a but. As every high, there's going to be lows and those lows usually come directly afterwards. The second I clicked stop streaming, everything came back. What was that like? Just tears? No, I felt very numb. I wanted to go to bed right after subathon because I was very tired. I couldn't sleep, and then I went clubbing for the first time. You decided to continue this escape from reality? Yes. [laughs] You laid in your bed trying to sleep and then you said, "You know what? I should go clubbing." Now I know I don't like it, but it was nice in the evening, I guess. The actual event or more escape? More escapee. Finding a healthier alternative to the unhealthy, many unhealthy alternatives that there are, and it being streaming is for me beneficial. I know how dangerous it can be because obviously, I can overwork myself. You're also aware obviously that overworking could affect you and it could also affect your body. I would stream for like nine hours and I would sit for nine hours. Do you mean the human body's not supposed to sit like this for nine hours? No. That's why my back's up? Yes. It's not because I'm old? No. Maybe. You don't look- Oh, thank you. Have you dealt with any stalkers? Yes, I have. That was scary. I had a person follow me home once, he approached me and he says, "Oh, how are you, Nikki?" The same thing takes a picture. I leave because that's what you do. The interaction is complete. Then he just kept following me and I was like, "Okay, this is weird. Maybe he's just trying to go walk that way." I was like, "Okay, maybe I'll take a different route because my home is very close and I don't want him to know where I live," so I take a different route he follows me. I'm like, "Okay, this is getting weird." He kept following me. I was like, "Okay, I need to go home." Now I feel unsafe. I don't know where to go, but I then built up such a distance that I could open my door, lock my door, get home. I never heard anything back again. I never saw anyone take my address. There never was anything. I just figured like, "Okay, maybe he's happy with what he got," I don't know. What's been your most bizarre fan interaction? I was out with a friend eating and this guy comes up to me and he's, "Oh, how you Nihachu?" I'm like, "Yes, yes. Hi? Nice to meet you." He goes, "Yes, you're not funny," or something like that. He would be like, you're unfunny and then he walks away. I was just there, like, "What do I do? How do I react to that?" It's like a real hate commentary in real life. I have a lot of respect for him because he actually came up to me and would tell me in-person, like, yes, fair enough. You know what? Did that sit with you? I didn't forget about it. [laughter] Are you ever tempted to share more about your life? I think I already quite overshare. Mainly with like my emotional state, but that's mainly also because I want to make people feel less alone in the way they feel. I know I have a very young female-dominated chat and as someone who once was a young female, or maybe even still is a young female. I just want to make them feel less alone. I know that there are certain things that you can't talk about to your parents because it's embarrassing or it's weird, or you don't know if it's normal. I just want to make people feel less alone in that and make them realize that it's normal and you'll be fine. You are learning and growing and it's all okay. A lot of times I do overshare when it comes to stuff like that, but I don't overshare when it comes to, "Oh yes. Guys, yesterday I went to this address--" Another thing that a bunch of people brought up when I mentioned that I was bringing you on. People are like, "Ooh, what's her coming out story? Where was the big moment in her life where she came out?" I'm bisexual for the people who are wondering or pansexual. I don't care about gender. I would have girl crushes; I would have boy crushes. I would never tell my parents or tell anyone around me because for me it was always normal. You have to come out as heterosexual. I was like, why would I have to come out as bisexual? There's nothing wrong with coming out, especially when there's people who have the expectation of you being a certain sexuality. For me it was always, that was my sexuality. Without ever needing to suppress it, it didn't really feel like there needed to be a big moment of release. Yes, exactly. What's next for Nihachu? I want to start a podcast where I talk about women and women empowerment and we're bringing on different women and let them talk about their experience and also something interesting for guys. Maybe if they're interested in the way that women are treated. I just want to empower women [chuckles] and also teach people about it. There's this strange barrier where if it's for women, then men cannot get attached to if it's a discussion about anything related to being a woman. At the end of the day what I strive for is equality. That takes taking the woman's side, the female side and the male side, and everyone's side and pushing towards equality because there are so many things also wrong with men can't cry, men can't show emotion, they have to be strong. They have to bring the money in. I want to put that more into like we're all equal, and we all should have the same expectations and the same abilities to achieve things. I'm a woman and I have the female experience so I want to start with the female experience. What is it about doing what you do that brings you the most joy? Interacting with so many people, all this positive feedback, like hearing from people like, "Oh, I was sad, but you streamed so I feel better now." Seeing that I can help people by just doing what I'm doing is always very nice because as a child I needed my escape and I found my escape in content creators. The fact that I can put that back is like I'm showing my young self, "It's fine. Like it's going to be better and you are now that beacon that you needed." I spent a day with Nihachu. One thing that really sits with me is how despite having everything ripped away from her at multiple times in her life, she's had the mindset that struggle will benefit her in the long run. Bravery isn't the absence of fear. Bravery is acknowledging that the fear exists and knowing that you'll be stronger for staring it in the face. There's only one thing that I will never confront myself with and that's my fear of mirrors. You're afraid of mirrors? Terrified of mirrors. Why? It was a very viral video I saw it from one of my schoolmates, this girl, she was sitting in front of a mirror, brushing her hair. Then she looks into the camera. She turns around to camera and her mirror looks or smells or something at the camera and that terrified me, but I don't know what it is. To this day, I cannot look into a mirror without being scared. I love horror films and I love like anything horror, but whenever they look into a mirror, I have to look away. So that's the one thing you're afraid of? That's one thing I will never confront myself with.
