I Just Made a Complete Fool of Myself but Am Going to Act Like It Didn't Happen

what's your best i just made a complete fool of myself but i'm going to act like it didn't happen story 14 years old walking to the bus stop on my way home from school had the itchiest butthole ever so freaking itchy that it was affecting the way i walked and tears were beginning to form in my eyes it was becoming so painful but i was on a main road with cars going past me every second i hear a break in traffic and with no cars in a sight so i indulge in the most personally invasive act of itching i've ever performed practically fingering my own butthole through my school trousers at that moment a bus filled with the girls hockey team comes out of freaking nowhere and drives past me while i was publicly poking my prostate the looks of shock and disgust on their faces still makes me cringe but the next day at school when one of them confronted me about it i just flat out denied that i was there and said that my uncle had picked me up from school and taken me bowling they bought it and nobody ever mentioned it again until i couldn't think of an appropriate reddit username tl dr a busload of my female classmates caught me fingering my itchy butthole on a public road life tip kneel down and tie your shoe gracefully use your other foots heel to scratch your butt back in high school i like this girl who was really into boy bands so i did the logical thing i gave her a video of me lip syncing to the backstreet boys problem was i couldn't dance and i had to do all the parts the only part i knew how to do well were the hip gyrations so this was obviously terrible the girl i liked thought it was super lame and showed all her friends the next day the whole group of them approached my locker and asked in their most mocking voice what is this i paused for a bit and then said it's what i like to call a ben still a style tribute girl likes boy band i like girl must videotape myself acting like a boy band member there couldn't be a more sound adolescent logic med school interview incredibly nervous 17 year old me had a stomach rumbling before the interview just as my name is called it all settles down and i breath a sigh of relief walk into the interview shake hands with my interviewers sit down get asked my first question and let out a huge fart i just salvaged the entire situation by talking about my first work experience at a hospital they said nothing i was offered a place i was wearing these really high heels and fell down a flight of stairs at a frat party i managed to save most of my beer and just stood up and pretended it never happened someone asked me if i was the girl that fell down the stairs and i faked surprise and concern for the girl who fell he knew not me but another kid in my high school kind of a little nerdy kid was carrying a fuckton of books and going down the stairs he trips and instead of dropping the books to catch himself with his hands he turned sideways and as the tuck and roll down the stairs rolled down the entire flight sideways with his head pulled in and clinging to his books for dear life he timed it so that when he got to the second to last step he like spun himself 90 degrees again no hands and landed on his feet at the bottom stood up adjusted his glasses with his index finger and walked off like nothing happened like a boars i'm laughing but with complete admiration was rock climbing trying to impress some girls flying up and down the wall crap i'm so badass i come down and unhook from the rope and start to take off that thing you wear around your waist the girls are surrounding me talking to me dams that shoots on really tight i'm gonna really need to tug hard i pull and perfect my pants are now on the ground i looked at them pulled up my pants and continued the conversation as if that's supposed to happen should have followed up with the nice ladies wet weather roads heck wet trying to beat the traffic lights and make the tight turn start skidding and losing control as i accidentally start drifting through the intersection manage to regain control via james bond moves just before the point i would have smashed into other traffic drive on like nothing happened had to pull over a kilometer down the road and have a little cry at how near death the whole thing felt im sure i looked bad but to the watching oncoming traffic i was out in the ocean a few years ago and there are a bunch of lifeguards training around me i was budget boarding and all of a sudden a larger than most wave came and hit my board into the family jewels it immediately caused me to throw up i was fine afterward and just swam away like nothing happened even though every single lifeguard saw i was also really tall pale and lanky so it was even more awkward around these beautiful buff tan men it was getting quite late and everyone was going to sleep everyone except me i was starting to get quite tired i decided to do what any respectable guy would do before bed i took off my pants and clicked my favorite p website little did i know i made a rookie mistake by not locking the door about halfway in my door opens i quickly pull up my pants and wore my best bad poker face expression it was my best friend's girlfriend asking for a ride home it was the bad poker face that gave me away she started to apologize profusely being the nice guy that i am i decided to give her a ride home anyways that must have been an awkward car journey every time i fart they just slip out all the time i normally try to cough really loud to try to cover it up doesn't always work one time i was in bed and my friend was sitting down i farted and coughed and she thought it was her cell phone vibrating well the smell then debunked that theory i also started laughing that probably didn't help didn't happen to me but back in high school i was walking somewhere in between classes so the halls were deserted basically as i walking up the huge main staircase there is a chick walking down so she trips falls rolls down the stairs and somehow manages to end it all in with a great face plant i try do my whole omg are you okay delio i mean she was pretty attractive too she got up immediately said fine and speed walked away a week ago i was at a christmas party was holding my one year old and talking to this old dude in one swift movement my daughter grabbed my shirt and bra through the shirt and threw herself out of my arms with no warning my left boob was completely exposed to everyone at the party the only positive for me anyway was that i was able to catch the kid before she hit the ground i was horrified and didn't know what to do so i just covered back up and continued on with the conversation like nothing happened i'm pretty clumsy and always bump into or hit things and have to pretend it didn't happen once i tripped over my boyfriend's leg hit the door face first then fell onto an armchair i got up and walked it off like a boss i'm not sure if it's better to play that off or do as one friend of mine does and apologize to the inanimate object she just bumped into waitressing at this dude ranch in company it's early morning breakfast and waitressing isn't exactly one of my talents i'm carrying this huge huge tray of cream if we to this table of super grumpy people as i go to set the tray down on the tray jack we're short stuff so there aren't any buses the whole thing flips and cream of wheat goes everywhere all over my table and makes a huge ruckus the whole dining room goes silent i stood up a straight took an elaborate shakespearean bow and grabbed those plates and got the duck out bless those grumpy dude ranch diners they gave me a 50 tip i was in seventh grade in class and i stuck a powerade bottle in my jacket sleeve i then proceeded to flail the sleeve around for no reason the power raid fell out of my sleeve hit the floor and burst open spilling all in the aisle i then grabbed my gym bag and threw it in the mess to cover it up my teacher then said myrtle i understand how your drink could have spilled but why did you throw your gym bag in it my track coach was telling us about how when he ran the mile when he was in high school the kid in front of him crap his pants and it got everywhere the kid kept running i have heard this is quite common during long distance running okay guys i got this i am at my parents house for christmas break i couldn't sleep too well last night so i was browsing our fitness i thought convict conditioning sounded interesting so i pirated it and decided to start on the basic first steps as i couldn't freaking sleep there wasn't enough floor space in my room to do wall head stands so i went to the landing on the stairs i misjudged the space and missed the wall and kind of somersaulted into the wall there is now a huge four by four freaking hole in the bottom of the wall i have no idea how i could explain to my dad that i was doing wall head stands at 3 am and broke the wall i am just going to deny any knowledge of such an event in a few years i plan on writing a book about if i did it tl dr couldn't sleep last night did wall head stands at 3am broke the wall denying it comma okay guys i got this famous last words or how my friends know i'm about to do something really dumb and dangerous not me but a guy i used to live with most people after excessive consumption of alcohol will chunder violently to remove it from their system my housemate does not one evening he stumbled back in the house after a night of particularly heavy drinking sits on the couch and proceeds to start telling me how wasted he got around this time it started to smell a little i assumed this was just gas on his part he then decided to see what the freeview p options on the tv were not much frequently coming across granny p and laughing his drunken head off the smell was increasing minutes later he waddled through to the bathroom he was still in their quarter of an hour later so i thought frickit and went to bed the next morning large portions of the bathroom were covered in crap toilet seat toilet bowl the bath somehow there were fecal footprints through the lounge to the bathroom to his bedroom further inspection revealed that somehow the suit jacket he'd been wearing was also coated in crap turns out he'd been pooing himself since he got back without noticing the waddling occurred when he finally realized but by then it was far too late trickling had occurred and it had pulled around his shoes hence the footprints he eventually deliberately destroyed the suit rather than send it to the dry cleaners can't say i blame him he also claimed that uncovered shoes were courtesy of dog muck he'd stepped in not to us to his parents so they'd clean them for him the only thing he said to us about it was please don't tell any girls tl dr i ran out of synonyms for poop courtesy of my housemate i always feel like a complete fool when i trip over my own feet in public but a few years ago i started conditioning myself to laugh whenever this happens and now whenever i trip i automatically smile and or chuckle which goes one of two ways one if i am with people they start laughing at me and it looks like i'm just laughing with them and thus makes me look super cool and able to take a joke too if i am alone i look like a super creeper who just started laughing to herself after almost falling on her face if you trip just bust out dancing it'll lighten the mood and then you don't have to be awkwardly laughing so i'm in disney and i had just replaced my old pad with a fresh one in the bathroom i rejoined my sister to go get something to eat the fatal floor i was wearing short shorts that were a little tight on me so after about two minutes of walking around the new pad falls off onto the street i didn't even realize what had fell so when i turned around to see i just kind of started at it upon that realization that it was in fact my pad i freaked out threw it away while my sister laughed her butt off i made my way to the next bathroom and put on a new pad my sister told the story to our mother who laughed so hard she cried good times i just spent 30 minutes trying to describe a story that ended with me sticking my arm through a subway door trying to get home while that same door made my burning hot coffee explode over the train car i then erase the entire eight paragraph story just act like no one noticed it will all be over soon party at my house back in my twenties drunk as heck gf at the time sitting on crowded couch resting her head on me saying she needs to pass out decide to try one of those like a boss type things and carry her to my room so she can lie down movie hero style i mean crap she was maybe 105 pounds pick her up take one step back immediately my legs crumple and i fall to the floor in a heap everyone was highly amused managed to cushion her fall at least i was in a fancy restaurant in nyc and i went in to take a pee i say hi to the attendant in the bathroom and take a pee i wash up and tip the attendant five dollars because that is what i had on me the attendant who was not actually an attendant said what is this i'm not the bathroom attendant i am a customer too i did not miss a beat and told him giving people five bucks is just something i do and scurried away from the bathroom as i am sat down again i can see the guy sitting back down with his group and laughing and showing his table the fiver i gave him he was an older black guy in a tux he looked like a bathroom attendant that a fancy place might have dang i was very glad that they could not see me in the part of the restaurant i was sitting and glowing red my wife's laughter did not help i don't think the red glow of shame left my ears for an hour or so i just give strangers finskies from time to time it's really not a big deal so many comments this will not be seen equals i just got a new job in a place that is mainly employed by men i'm a lady the other day at work i was walking back to my office i was outside and i walk up on a pigeon just chilling on the ground i stop and it just stares at me so i say to the pigeon are you hurt pigeon stares i decide to slide my foot at it to give it a scare i'm about 12 inches away from it the pigeon puts its wings up and coo a little and step towards me we have a little stare off for a good 15 seconds me with my foot extended out of the pigeon in a ninja stance in the pigeon with his wings up i suddenly yell fear emmy at the pageant it freaks and flies off feeling like bad but i look up smiling to walk into my office only to see four of my new co-workers standing staring at me like this oh zero i freeze in place and instantly drop my smile we proceed to have a 10 second stare off then i proceed to slowly walk to the door open it and back into the room still staring at them you should have put your foot up again and yelled fear me i walked outside to my car to find that someone had parked behind it blocking me in i figured it must be someone in the restaurant next door where they were having trivia night so i walked in to figure out who it was i walked up to the trivia guy and said some idiot park behind me could you make an announcement so they can move their car the trivia guy says oh that would be my car at that point there was only one thing to do i looked him in the eyes and said well can you move it idiot walked out like a boss i imagined you looking away coyly as you said idiot with your voice trailing off when i was in college one of my roommates got a high budget p naturally a bunch of guys wanted to see it so the roommate decided to show them a little clip so they would all go away and he could watch it as five officers gathered around the computer watching the clip one of the girls from down the hall walked in the room she saw what was going on and said what the heck are you guys doing without missing a beat the roommate says in a normal voice we're watching p what does it look like and turns back to the screen like a boss i've never been so proud so brave one day i heard an ice cream truck coming through my app complex i grabbed my wallet and ran to the door and swung it open and suddenly realized that i was only wearing boxers and there was a group of people on the landing outside i knew if i didn't go out then i wouldn't get ice cream so no fricks were given and i got my ice cream with a helping of concerned stairs sitting in ninth grade english class playing with a stapler trying to see how far i could get the staple to pop out before it ejected promptly shot one through my pinky and screamed crap teacher asked what happened and i said i was just reading ahead and got over excited got written up and an embarrassing nurse visit in a shooting competition team i used to be part of there were tears of shooters by ability terror sharp shooter expert and master during a tarot match teams have the ability to coach one another during the slow fire phase 10 rounds and 10 minutes i was once explaining how to look down the sights and said now don't pull the trigger but i'm gonna explain something to you he has the gun up looking down at the target and i'm pointing at the weapon explaining about sights he pulls the trigger as i'm pointing towards the forward sight and i immediately step back and have my hand down at my side as i quickly retreat to the back of the shooting range trying to play it cool as i check to make sure i still have a pointer finger i did but i sure as heck got spooked pretty good hi i'm a cop and in the military halfway through this story i said nope that's a bad idea today i called a woman at work a fatsy and quit my job on the spot i am going to walk into work tomorrow as if it never happened you have to provide an update for this in second grade i walked into a metal pole on the way back to the classroom after recess my teacher kept asking me in front of the entire class why there was a big red lump on the side of my forehead and told me to go to the nurse but i insisted nothing happened and i felt fine i had a friend who did the same thing only there hit the pole full sprint and cut their head open the teacher took off her white sweater to sop up the gushing blood i always thought i wouldn't have ruined me sweater for that i don't have a really good one but i was on the bus listening to my headphones and also had my name badge around my neck from work somehow in going to take off the name badge i almost choked myself with my headphones pretended no one noticed in my undergrad days i was looking at the spectroscopic and chemical properties of azo dyes anyway though we were doing it as part of chemistry due to timetabling or something we were sharing the lab with some third-year behavioral biologists who were doing something or another involving rats can't quite recall what they had a big cage full of the buggers around about 20 to the side of where they were doing all their stuff anyway i had made up my die which was bright red and i had to take a beaker of it over to the spectrophotometer which was the other side of the lab anyway while i was taking it over my lab partner called over to me from outside of our lab i carried on walking and tripped over the dang cage i managed to hold on to the beaker but had spilled almost all of the dye on myself and the rats i got up and carried on walking wearing a partially pink lab coat and leaving behind a cage of mostly pink rats i had to close my office door edit 10 minutes later still laughing remembering my time when i exploded that iteration funnel setup of potassium permanganates in high school hit everything around me except myself i think it exploded upwards of something story one about 10 years old hanging out in my basement with a friend jumping on the couch because it was cool at the time and somehow tripped fell and smashed my face on the arm of the couch never said a word got up kept jumping my face was redder than the fabric but i was too cool for that crap story 2 i have horrible word fail sometimes i can't get the right word and i swear it's going to be alzheimer's eventually regardless i had some family over for holiday brunch of leftover goodness we're all seated at the table and i realize i'm missing a drink so i ask husband who's nearest to the appropriate cupboard can you get me a bowl like for a drink he understands and gets me a drink i choose to focus on my meal and ignore the wtf looks of family do crossword puzzles it will help your current vocabulary and they've been said to combat alzheimer's got drunk with brother and friend got ride home walked in the house and fell on the christmas tree got mad at the tree and tackled it punched tree the while it was down got up and pulled my dong out and start pee on the dining room table wife wakes up after the fight with the tree and shakes me awake asking what the frick i'm doing i tell her i'm sleeping leave me alone she's claims i'm pee on the table i call her a freaking liar she counters with some absurd allegation that i am currently p on the table look down and see myself pee on the table i accuse her of pee on the table i storm off to bed she cleans my pee off the table and sets about picking the christmas tree up and putting ornaments back on i come storming out of the bedroom angry that she's helping the tree after the tree started the fight tackle the tree again and storm off to bed you're the kind of person who shouldn't get drunk okay so it was the first week of college and my school has this giant welcome week thing every freshman is put into a group with about 10 others to get to know and whatnot well at the end of the week we had a lip sync competitive where we had to career graphic dance we got an elvis song we weren't gonna win we knew that but dang did we try we had a girl who used to do show theater in our group and so she made our dance for us somehow we ended up with more guys than girls in our group which still frustrates me since my school has a ration of 70 30 guy to go but we decided to put the girls in front toward the end of our dance so as us guys a highlight kicking our way to the back of the stage the guy next to me takes one step too far and steps off the back of the stage now i was counting on him to know when to stop so when he didn't i managed to fall backwards both legs in the air trying to learn to fly very quick broke through the curtain in front of the whole freshman class ratio the word is ratio if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] so bye for now

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 16,113

Rating: 4.907455 out of 5

Keywords: made a complete fool of myself, looking foolish, foolish, pretend it didn't happen, didn't happen, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap, reddit stories 2021

Id: h5KKwqWzy6U

Length: 24min 20sec (1460 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 26 2021