How to Take your Power back from the Narcissist.

why does the relationship with the narcissist bother us so much upset us so much affect us so much it's because they take our power away and how do they take our power away because we gave it to them so what if i had eight ways eight simple things that you can begin to do right now to usurp your power back from the narcissist and put you back into the driver's seat in this relationship are you ready let's go hey there friends glad to be back today and today we're going to be talking about taking our power back from the narcissist and how to do this in eight simple ways now it's simple as long as you're consistent okay you have to do you have to do this all the time consistency is key and it can be hard to break the cycles and the patterns that we're in but let's begin with the first one and you'll understand what i'm talking about and you can kind of play by play this on a daily basis in this relationship and in any relationship that you're in with someone that shows narcissistic tendencies the first thing is that we want to resist reaction in these relationships we have a tendency of reacting instead of responding now why do we react well we react because we're being badgered we react because we're being accused accused of doing something wrong accused of being the problematic person accused of being the drama queen or somebody that's selfish or all about self you know sometimes we can be badgered about us talking about our emotions right and that's not fair but we get we begin to get conditioned to this and so instead of seeing the reality and stepping back and saying this is really not healthy uh i'm not a selfish person i've put this person first probably to the detriment of myself and being aware of that we react okay it's their playground the narcissist wants us to react because they're getting that attention they're getting that energy they're getting the supply that they want okay and so what happens is we begin to play their game and unfortunately with their game we can't win so i want you to begin to not react when somebody does accuse you of something i want you to step back emotionally even take a step back physically to remind yourself that you should take a step back emotionally take a deep breath and just let them talk there's no reason because you know for a fact that when you try to explain yourself that usually goes on deaf ears right and that's also fueling the fire of what they're trying to create the second thing that i want you to begin to do is to stop trying to express exactly how you feel and get the narcissist to understand your feelings okay if you're dealing with a healthy person expressing your emotions that's a good thing we can have a good conversation we can sit down and talk about it we can better explore each other's emotions and explore where each person is coming from now when you're dealing with somebody that expresses narcissistic tendencies totally different story you trying to express yourself emotionally is going to cause you problems they're going to second guess why you're expressing yourself make fun of make jokes make light of right turn it around on you okay make you feel bad about feeling that way okay because you shouldn't feel that way and then also turn it around from a healthy response to basically having you try to explain why you feel that way and then sometimes even apologize for even bringing up your emotions in the first place icky it's gross and so i want you to try to self-regulate is there a need to try to express how you feel to someone who's not going to get it what are you wanting from that think about that with real clarity because when you open yourself up to that you're opening yourself up to scrutiny judgment is that what you're wanting because i think you want to be heard but you're going to the wrong place to be heard so this is something that's very important because when we open ourselves up to this judgment it hurts even more and it's even more unhealthy because now we're like a raw nerve opening up to that exposure and this person's using that to their advantage the third thing that i want you to do is i want you to check your ego at the door i know that many of us are like well what do you mean what about my ego how does this have to do with anything well many of us don't realize that our ego is a big part of why we're staying in this relationship we want to win we want to convince the other person of our of our validity of our value we want to convince them of how great we are and that they'll eventually see how great we are because we're doing all these things for them and they're going to turn around and be like you're amazing you're the best i've ever had you're the most amazing person ever i love you so much unconditionally this is amazing it's it's not going to happen and so we keep walking down that path kicking the can down the road trying to make this work but remember a relationship in this situation is two different people and two people have to want to make this work but we also have to realize how much of it is wanting to make it work because the relationship is healthy and it's something that's good and it's something that brings joy and value into your life versus how much of this is i want to win i want to prove the fact that i can make a relationship work i don't want to have another broken relationship i don't want to have another divorce i don't want to have another how much of it is that and so when we're in these arguments or when we're trying to express how we feel when we're trying to save the relationship we have to actually ask ourselves how much is this in my ego wanting to be successful in the relationship no matter what because to me i don't want to win something that's not good for me and so think about that the ego is a big component a lot of times in relationship and sometimes it's the elephant in the room that's keeping you stuck in a relationship that's not working the next thing i want to talk about is our mind our mind can sometimes rule our lives and one of the thoughts that many of us have when we're in toxic relationships or we're in relationships that are unhealthy is when we do think about exiting the relationship and letting it go because we realize it's probably not healthy for us our mind begins to play tricks on us okay and these tricks are really interesting one of the biggest tricks that it likes to play is that you're never going to find another person to love for the rest of your life there's never going to be anybody else you're going to walk the world alone okay you know and this is going to be forever and it's funny how our mind wants to basically entrance us into that because as long as we feel like we're going to be alone and we're not going to have anybody we keep looking to this relationship saying you know what it's not that bad it's really not that bad uh you know i get home it's really not that healthy but there's somebody there um you know it's not horrible it's not bad we have arguments and i feel like i'm accused and i can't talk about my emotions and i feel stifled but it's not bad because i'm not alone so i want you to think about that if you're having consistent thoughts that if i let go of this relationship i got nothing that's a game being played on you that's a game plane cut that that's a game being played on you to get you to stay in this pattern of toxic relationships because if you stay in this relationship the universe doesn't have to change for you at all okay and you don't get to really know yourself so you stay in this the devil you know and you keep dealing with it right and you're getting beaten down for the way you feel and you're having to hide your real emotions but you're doing that because of the fear of being alone we never really get to know who you are you never really get to see your value because you can't see you can't feel valuable and be in a toxic relationship it doesn't work you see what i'm saying like you can't be in a toxic relationship and having somebody belittle you put you down call you names accuse you and you actually see your value because that's not gonna work you're gonna say hey sayonara that's great talk to you later i'm out of here you know so you think about that when you start having the brain tell you you're never gonna meet anybody you're gonna be lonely forever that's a deflection that's deflecting you from actually seeing the reality of being able to shift into mindfulness and begin to figure out what is it that you want in your life you don't want to rule your life by fear when we rule our life by fear we make really poor choices the next thing that i want you to think about is i want you to realize and understand clearly you cannot save them okay they're not asking you to save them you know it's interesting when we feel that somebody displays narcissistic tendencies or other types of tendencies we're like well we just want them to get them help we want them to get help and and to find themselves and everything will work out but it's funny because most of the time the other person doesn't feel like there's anything wrong with them and so you're putting all this energy on trying to save them and wake them up i want you to remind yourself you need to be focusing on saving your own life when we get into toxic relationships we lose ourselves we lose our identity maybe we didn't really have a strong identity before maybe we did but we lose it and so we're basically struggling to survive and so when you're thinking about this other person hoping that they'll get better and they'll see a life coach or a therapist or somebody i need you to realize that's also deflection and when you take your energy back from that and begin to put yourself first and begin to see what you need to do to better yourself you taking that power back you see what i'm saying because before they're using your power but they're not getting any better they're accusing you and you keep feeling sorry for them sorry for them oh i just wish they'd get better but that's draining anytime you give power to somebody in a way and they they misconstrue it or they misuse it you're draining your own power and you're also doing this under the guise of hoping they get help but actually that's your mind playing another trick on you it's playing a trick on you saying they are more important than you are okay you getting help is more important because you like you got to save yourself first it's like what they talk about in the airplane if the plane loses air pressure the oxygen mask will come from the top and you're supposed to put one on yourself and then your kid's second right because if you don't do that you're just like dead you can't help your kid it's the same thing in any relationship if you don't put yourself first and help yourself how can you help anybody and they're not even asking you for help i know the narcissist isn't asking you for help so why do you keep trying to help them with something that they don't even want to help with they don't even understand you know it's funny because the narcissist actually thinks you're the one with the problem you're the one that needs help so think about that refocus that energy and just pulling the energy away from the narcissist they can feel it they can feel it because they want all eyes on them they want all energy targeted to them when you start pulling that away they're going to come closer it's a push and pull scenario right it's like back in school when you like somebody you told him you liked it you know you're like oh i like you and you know when you're in elementary school and they like ran away from you but if you acted really like you know off-putting and didn't want to talk to them it's like they wanted to hang out with you all the time it's the same thing so it's like just pull that energy away and re-center every time you start thinking about them and their problems and their needs and what they need to do realize that's that's my mind playing a trick on me because i need to be focusing on my own stuff that i need to work on and start working on that and figuring out how to develop a plan for that because that's the most important thing for my life okay so let's talk about the next thing i always find it interesting how people are willing to play other people's games they're willing to play other people's games even when they don't know the rules that's crazy i want you to realize that a lot of times when we get into these relationships we start playing their game and we lose every time okay i want you to stop playing their game they do it way better than any of us okay i mean it's like think about it one of the things about reaction is that's playing into their game like i talked about the first thing i wanted you to do is really stop that reaction resist the reaction because you're playing into what they want they're wanting to get this energetic emotional supply from you right it makes them feel good it makes them feel powerful because you're giving that power to them right and they like it a lot of times in an argument you'll see like the smile you'll see like this cheshire grin smile from them because they're so happy because you're losing it right and you're losing the game so i want you to stop playing it right when you see an argument starting and they're starting to they're they're starting to question you or accuse you boom that's your indication this is the game being played don't play it take a break say hey that's that you know i gotta i gotta take a call or i gotta do this or i gotta do that get out of there or don't even respond silence works too silence can be golden but think about it don't play into what they want you to play into see most of the time we play the same role over and over again right so they accuse us we react we get angry you know eventually we find ourselves apologizing for getting angry we don't even remember what the argument was about but it was basically them making fun of us or pushing our buttons right but you keep going back and allowing it to happen over and over again so they expect the same thing so why not do something the opposite something completely out of the ordinary right that'll change things it'll also get you aware of how much drama is in this relationship i think over time as you continue to do this this will actually just get completely annoying you will be completely annoyed by the relationship and you will see through the relationship but it has to be consistent as you play into this drama we get addicted to drama you gotta be very careful with that and then you start seeing the relationship as this ups and downs and it starts giving you this this you this feeling that you want even if it's not the most positive we kind of get addicted to those types of things so i want you to stop the buck when somebody's trying to argue or fight with you why are you taking the bait step back take a break change the subject gray rock there's a lot of options many of you who dealt with these narcissistic type relationships these toxic type relationships and maybe you've taken a break or you've tried to break up and you find that the other person who might display some narcissistic tendencies is going around telling everybody about the situation their drama making okay and they're telling about how how you're just not a nice person or hairless some issues that you need to deal with and you know she's just going through some stress and i i just can't handle it anymore her attitude's so mean she's so judgmental a lot of things that they might be texting your friends maybe even some of your family members saying you know i really feel like she or he really needs some help and some guidance at this point in time okay so so there ends up being this interesting um new type of uh reality created by the narcissist right and so they create this kind of dialogue and this type of new reality that they've spun right to make them look like the the look like the good guy you know it looked like he they were the one that was abused they were the one that were that was taken advantage of they were the one that stood in there and tried to make it work but you're just the one that just isn't gonna let it work and they've done everything they can they've just done everything they can if that's happened to you a lot of times you start getting a little stressed out about are people believing it are they responding to them what do i have to do to uh to try to you know put the fires out what do i have to do to make things look better what do i need to do right now stop stop stop the interesting thing about life and i think especially now more than ever when somebody texts or calls somebody about someone else i think for some people they might get dragged into the drama okay and start talking about you but for most people this doesn't seem very honest it seems a little underhanded and it seems a little shady okay if there's somebody there's a problem with this person they can come talk to me why are you telling me about this person's problems okay why are you telling me that there's something wrong with this relationship and why are you communicating with me on this type of depth level okay so i want you to think about that usually people see through it pretty well okay and i want you to also realize why the narcissist does it the narcissist does it because if they can create this narrative okay and they can get other people to believe the narrative then they don't need to do anything they don't need to change anything and they can keep playing that victim role in their own head and how they did everything they could do to make this work and you are the problem okay and so you have to be okay with the fact that they're gonna think that you're not gonna change them if you break up with them you're not going to change them you're not going to get them to see how great you are they're not going to like scream alkalades from the rooftops no they're going to tell other people about how you were mean and destructive and angry whatever else they want to talk about you know controlling manipulative because that's what they're going to use because if i believe that everybody else has the problem i don't have to change anything i get off scot-free continuing to do what i want to do living in my bubble and allowing myself to do this so if you're worried about what the backlash is going to be from a breakup i think that's the least your worries i think we need to think about what we need to do to not get in another one of these types of relationships be able to see those red flags and understand how that pattern began that led us to accepting a relationship like this the eighth way to take back your power from the narcissist and this will be the last thing i'm talking about in this video is every time you begin to think about them okay so every you just go into your day-to-day life you start thinking about them they come into your mind you start thinking about them you need to remind yourself as quickly as possible as soon as you're aware of it you need to remind yourself that this is a mental distraction the reason why is that when we focus on other people we get out of the mindful mind we get out of our life we get we get thinking about someone else's life right and then we put our energy into them so we have to refocus our energy back onto us and so i want you to wake yourself up and say wait a second this is a distraction okay i need to refocus myself and a lot of times we find ourselves uh romancing the relationship after we've broken up you know we know we did the right thing we know we got out of a toxic relationship but we think about that person a lot maybe we romance the good times maybe we're just constantly thinking about them and the reason for that is we haven't worked on ourselves i mean it's interesting how we know more information about somebody we met on twitter for five minutes than we know about ourselves most of the time that's very true it's truth and so it's like we have to start getting to know ourselves what we stand for who we are we have to see ourselves as a full person you know and be able to begin to see our value and so when you are distracted by thoughts of them i want you to literally remind yourself this is a distraction and also remind yourself what you did as far as a healthy response to walk past move past basically dislocate yourself from that relationship okay so this is really powerful stuff it can be really challenging it seems some of the stuff might seem very easy and it just like good art right very simple pieces good art can be a very simple piece very expensive but very hard to pull off okay and i'm not saying that this is hard to pull off i'm just saying you have to be consistent and you have to want to make these changes and you have to want to take that power back once you start getting that power back though you feel it it's like working out right you work out for two weeks you start feeling good you start feeling good those endorphins are going they're feeling good when you start taking your power back by beginning by not reacting and you do that consistently you will see a change in the the way that you value yourself and you'll see a change in the response from the narcissist and the greatest thing is that you're gonna feel it building up because power right compounds and builds on other power so as you become more and more and more and more powerful you begin feeling better and better better about yourself we're not a victim okay we're getting out of the victim role we're leaving that role forever we're start we're actually creating a new book not just a new chapter in our lives and we're going to begin to harness that power but in order to do that we have to refocus our energy constantly to realize our value when you are valuable and you feel your value in a positive healthy way you realize that in order to really live the quality of life you want to we need to explore everything about ourselves forgive the things that we're not happy about work to make things better and then expand our minds and our hearts to really understand who we are at the core of our being and that's when we're truly powerful i hope this video has helped you please share with your family and friends share here on youtube because being able to take your power back from the narcissist this is life changing okay and this really awakens you to your personal power and it also awakens you to the fact that you were never a victim you took on that role for a little while but that is not your role to play don't forget to live your true life you

Channel: Ashley Berges

Views: 11,688

Rating: 4.9395604 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissistic behavior, NPD, take your power back, Ashley Berges, self help, how to, psychology, life coaching, life coach, getting the upper hand, BPD, cluster B, power play, reaction, arguments, win an argument with a narcissist

Id: yok4pdAffes

Length: 23min 15sec (1395 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 12 2020