Gaslighting, Manipulation, and Being Triggered to React in an Argument.

more often than not when we find ourselves in a heated situation where we feel like we have to defend ourselves we react instead of respond reaction usually causes the situation to get well more amped up causes more problems and usually doesn't resolve anything if you found yourself reacting instead of responding you'll want to watch this video hi there friends ashley burgess back today and today i want to talk about reaction many of us have a tendency of reacting to a situation instead of responding and what happens when we react as we get ourselves in a world of hurt because what's happening is we're not thinking before we speak we're not even giving it the appropriate amount of understanding and examination before we just say whatever we say usually in a fight-or-flight response so let's begin today's video talking about reaction we'll talk a little bit about response and also we'll talk about the situations that we find ourselves in when we have a tendency of reacting many of us realize that there's a major difference between reaction and response and we actually know when we're going into reaction mode right because we haven't thought about it because actually response takes us to step back it takes us to step back and analyze the situation right and so when we know the difference we feel the difference right because one increases our cortisol levels it makes us stressed out it makes us angry and usually we rinse up the situation and the other thing about reaction is that it doesn't empower us at all it takes away from our power as an individual because we're allowing that person to basically take that power by our reaction instead of standing in our power and analyzing the situation and deciding to respond if we want to when we react we're actually operating from underlining assumptions and beliefs that we might not even be aware of subconscious beliefs right so when somebody pushes us into a corner and we have to basically get out of that corner and we're reacting we're reacting from some unconscious belief system right so maybe somebody's asking us or pushing us into that about saying that we we aren't telling the truth or we aren't being honest and so because of some of our unconscious beliefs we begin to claw our way out of that corner to try to defend ourselves but in reality do we really need to do that and we do that because of those underlying thoughts we all have prehistoric beliefs that really do hold us back and maybe we've dealt with numerous manipulation and relationships where we've had numerous gaslighting experiences and so we begin to get into that fight-or-flight mode that survival mode right and that leads us into a world of hurt because reaction can occur in the space of a few seconds it's usually immediate and it's not thought-out it's not deliberate and it's definitely not the optimal way to respond but because of those underlying thoughts that we have those prehistoric thoughts that we have from toxic relationships from the way that we were raised we have certain negative belief systems about ourselves and we fear that other people are questioning us as well and so when we feel questioned or backed into a corner we react right and the interesting thing is that when we react we give our power away so when somebody's questioning our validity or questioning our truth instead of standing in that power and really listening to the circular logic that they're presenting because it's not true we instead react and give them power to the argument even convincing them more that they might be right when you think about responding responding in responses is usually a thought-out plan it's thoughtful right you're actually using thoughtfulness and to consider exactly how you're gonna respond you're using reflection on the situation one of the biggest things is that you're actually taking the time to listen to the other person to hear exactly what they're saying sometimes they might have a true argument other times not so much and so we're really able to kind of pull apart the argument and understanding without throwing all that emotion into it I know that when I respond with emotion I usually respond off base and I also giving them a little bit of power to the conversation which doesn't make sense because more often not the thing that they're throwing back at me has nothing to do with my reality and so when we look at responses we have to look that when we're responding we're not shooting from the hip okay we're not just throwing that out but we're actually offering a careful deliberate response that's honest and true and based on our reality and it allows two people to interact smoothly or at least one person to stand in their power and not to give their power away to the other person who might be yelling screaming you know basically trying to grab the other person throwing things and so why keep escalating it when we don't need to go there I found one thing to be quite true is that when we react we don't respect the other person when we react it is a fight-or-flight mode and usually that reaction is something that we feel that we have to do to defend our reality right and I don't know about you but I've realized that nobody has power over me I have my power and I don't need to give my power away and so if I feel that somebody is disrespecting me or trying to push me in a corner right trying to manipulate me or Gaslight me usually if you step back you're able to really see it for what it truly is why get manipulated to get into a heated argument when it's not even worth it and that's what I want you to think about right now so now I want you to think about the ways and reasons why we begin to react okay so I'm going to ask a couple of questions now let's talk about the reasons why we react because usually when we react it's emotionally heated it's either based on false thoughts about ourselves you know mixed in with that manipulation from that other person it could be gaslighting in a situation it could be the circular type logic that's being used within your relationship over and over again with no solution in sight my first question do you feel like you're being pushed into a corner okay that's a big one we usually react when we feel like somebody's trying to push us in a corner and take power over us and that's when we usually come out of that corner fighting that's what reaction is and usually if you were remember correctly the last time that probably happened there was no solution the argument got more heated and you ended up probably apologizing to the other person because you said something and they got hurt and so the argument turned into not about what the initial argument about was it turned into you defending yourself about arguing and then the argument turned into who argued worse right and who did the worst thing well you through this and you did this and you grabbed my arm and so it literally turns from what the initial argument was into this right no solution more damage and more distance in water under the bridge and the inability really even communicate because the more heated arguments we have with someone the more it just feels like it's not even worth it right because both people can't even put their emotions aside to even communicate the other question that I want to ask you is that do you feel that the other person is questioning your truth when you feel that someone else is questioning your truth we have a tendency of reacting ok especially if somebody is constantly questioning your truth and that's something that you have to ask yourself that question is this relationship worth it if this person is questioning my truth on a constant basis and I'm not doing anything wrong why am I still in this relationship ok because if you find yourself defending yourself on a constant basis and you're not doing anything wrong you need to kind of look past that and stand in your truth and ask why do I keep wanting to defend myself with somebody that doesn't believe me anyway because truth honesty respect and acceptance is all we really have in a relationship and if that's not there I really don't know what's really solidly there to hold the relationship together another question that I want to ask you do you feel controlled by the other person many times we react because we feel like we're being controlled we're being manipulated by them that they're constantly starting arguments to make us feel bad constant manipulation constant gaslighting and that can allow you to want to react even more and this becomes a very volatile unhealthy relationship right because a good relationship is not about manipulation it's not about pushing other people's buttons on a constant basis it's not about constant drama okay a good relationship is based on understanding yes are their arguments sure but the arguments have resolved because they're based on something that can be resolved and so that's another thought that I want you to think about another question that I want you to ask yourself are you in a relationship where you feel like you constantly have to explain yourself do you feel like you're over explaining yourself to the fact that you're blue in the face and it's really causing you to get angry and resentful okay this is a big question because if you feel this way and you're constantly explaining yourself and the other person is not getting it you change the conversation around and try to explain from a different perspective and they still don't get it and then you try it again and again and again eventually you're gonna blow up okay and that needs to be another sign an indication that both you are speaking a totally different language okay and if that's the case we really have to understand because if you're speaking one language and they're speaking another and neither one of you are gonna learn the other person's language this is doomed okay so really think about that because if you're explaining yourself to you're blue in the face that's gonna cause you to wrench it up to get angry and you're also gonna feel like you're not heard and when people don't feel like they're heard what do we do well we do whatever we can to be heard and that's what reaction is the last question that I want you to ask yourself is do you have constant arguments with your spouse or significant other that gets quickly wrenched up with no end in sight okay what happens here is that if this is the argument where the argument starts it rinses up very quickly you're quickly heated and emotionally invested okay this is a toxic situation right this can get out of hand extremely quick this can get violent physically violent okay so in this case you need to be hyper aware that reaction is just gonna cause more and more problems okay and it's going to escalate the situation so if you found yourself there recently or in a on a constant basis you probably need to take a step back it's not all your fault but you need to see your part in this escalation okay because you're playing a part - they might be escalating it they might be going after you they might be screaming they might be yelling but if you're wrenching that up you're adding to this dysfunction okay and that's something that you need to be aware of because once you start wrenching this up usually what happens is one person doesn't know how to stop okay and if you're dealing with somebody like that you can get out of it could get out of line very quickly and you know police might be called in etc and this could be a life changer - in not a good way so we need to be aware of that and so I really want you to think about this is emotions stepping in front of the reality of the situation because we know that when we react we react out of emotion right we react out of anger we react out of being heard we react because we feel that somebody's questioning us or our reality or questioning our truth we feel that somebody is disrespecting us reasons to react okay so I want you to really think about that and think about is this happening in your relationship on a constant basis if this is how are you dealing with it because it's not helping your health right it's not helping your well-being it's not helping you to have more clarity so what I'm doing is in the next video that we're creating I'm going to talk to you about how you can actually take a step back in these heated arguments and instead of reacting this time begin to respond I hope this video has helped you please share it with your family and friends and if you haven't already please take a moment to subscribe to the channel also give us a like on this video if you feel that it has helped you or has shined some light on a situation that you're dealing with in the comments section below let me know of some situations where you find yourself reacting I think that more often than not it's when we're being disrespected but there are also other reasons too and these are things that we really need to think about in order to slow down that reaction and begin to respond from a powerful place instead of a place with no power take care and don't forget to live your true life you

Channel: Ashley Berges

Views: 5,558

Rating: 4.9228916 out of 5

Keywords: gaslighting, manipulation, victimhood, victim mentality, Ashley Berges, life coach, marital arguments, Cluster B, false narrative, toxic cycle, toxic pattern, disecting the argument, winning, unhappiness, toxic relationships, BPD, NPD

Id: biH7VHT9oLU

Length: 13min 42sec (822 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 05 2020