Today, we are talking about boundaries: how to set healthy boundaries, how to have healthy relationships, how to stop doing things out of obligation or guilt, and how to stop being a people pleaser. So if you are a people pleaser and you have a hard time saying no, watch on. Hi, my loves. Welcome back to Lavendaire. Today I am so excited to talk about boundaries, because this is a topic that I needed to
learn a lot about myself. And I'm just excited to spread the word to you guys, to empower you to set healthier boundaries in your life. So first off, what are boundaries? Boundaries are the limits we set with ourselves around what we will or will not to tolerate. What is okay? vs. What is not okay? Most of us have never even thought of
where our boundaries are. And because you have not clearly defined
for yourself and others what your boundaries are, people cross those lines all the time and you get hurt. You overcommit, you try to please everybody. And in doing that, you end up hurting yourself, and you are the loser in the end. Raise your hand if you've ever said yes to something that you really did not want to do, out of obligation and feeling bad. Raise another hand if you've ever sacrificed yourself in order to keep the peace in a situation
to make everybody else happy. I'm serious. Comment below with that raised hand emoji because I'm pretty sure that we can all relate to this. I recently had an amazing podcast episode all about setting boundaries with Nancy Levin
and she said this: "So for those of us who have identified in our lives as people pleasers or peacekeepers or those of us who haven't wanted to
rock the boat, afraid of conflict, we've spent a lot of time and energy
managing the perceptions of others and taking more responsibility than is ours. So we've actually been abandoning ourselves to make sure that other people are okay, instead of checking in with ourselves
to see if we're okay. Basically as people pleasers,
we've been abandoning ourselves, making sure that everyone else is okay, but not checking in to see if we are okay. So let's take back our power,
control how you spend your time, instead of giving everything away to everyone. Stop depleting yourself and really
give yourself what you need because you have to look after yourself. You are your number one best friend, supporter. You got to have your own back. All right, so let's learn how to set boundaries
and stop people pleasing. All right, so the first thing is self awareness. You need to know yourself. You need to know how you feel about things. You need to know where your boundaries are. In every situation, you should ask yourself, “What's my preference? What's my desire?” Know what you want so you can start to consider
yourself and your needs first. A lot of people don't even ask themselves this question. They're not self aware. They don't know what they want. They don't know what their needs are, and because of that, other people are
going to step all over them. If you don't decide, other people are going
to decide for you. [Thud] [Gasp] Oh my god... Anyway... The second step after knowing yourself,
your needs, and your boundaries, is to communicate and express your desires. Express those boundaries so that other people know where you stand, where those lines are, because if you never express it, people won't know. They're going to do whatever they want with you. They're going to push for what they want and
that's just how it is. So this is the time to express your truth. Express your honest opinion, your honest thoughts, how you feel, even if it is uncomfortable, even if you're scared that other person might get hurt, even if you might offend someone. That is it, because most of the time we are
too afraid to hurt other people. We're too afraid of the uncomfortable,
awkward situation that we tend to hold ourselves back. We don't express our truth. We're not honest. We're not authentic. And that is where the problems start from. It is possible to communicate directly and
honestly and in a kind way. You don't have to be mean. You can just be honest. And usually when you come from a place
of honesty and kindness, people will understand. They're not going to get mad at you. And if they are, then they have their own issues. It’s not you, it's them. And finally, this open communication allows you to be able to come to a compromise
with the other person because you express your needs and your desires. They express their needs and desires
and then you kind of work it out. How can we make it so that both of us end up happy or at the very least, both of us respect
each other's decision? - Hello! Hello! - Okay, quite honestly, I'm not interested. And also can you not do that? This is my boundary. I'd appreciate if you respect that. Okay, thank you.” An important thing I got to point out is: You are not responsible for other people's feelings. I made a video about this for
people pleasers and empaths. Basically, if you are very empathetic, you can predict how other people will feel, and because you don't want to hurt them or offend them, you hold back from being your truthful self. You hold back from being honest with them, and that is the mistake because you can't take that responsibility for them. When you do that, you're acting as if that person cannot handle their own
feelings and emotions. But newsflash: How they respond to what you say
is not your responsibility. It's their responsibility. Even if it makes them sad or mad, that is for them to deal with. It's not for you to deal with. What you need to focus on is
putting your own needs first, putting yourself first in a way that
you protect your energy. Why don't you start protecting yourself, instead of trying to protect everybody else? You're trying to heal everybody else from pain, when you're the one hurting. So think of yourself, protect yourself, and don't take responsibility for other people's feelings. Next, stop trying to keep the peace. Stop trying to manipulate everything so that everything is okay between everyone. I know we think of relationships as like
“harmony at all costs”, but if you're trying to aim for harmony always, that comes at a very high price. And that comes at the expense of your
authenticity and your wellbeing. So stop trying to make everything okay, everything harmonious all the time. People aren't always going to get along. Things aren't always going to be okay. You are not always going to be liked by everybody and you have to be okay with that. Next, just say no to what doesn't serve you. You have to learn to say no
and say it with grace, say it with gratitude. It's okay to say no. This is something I had to learn
and get better at over time, and it's something that does get easier with practice. Start with the little things. Just turn it down and say “No, but thank you. No, I'm not available. Thank you.” And eventually it'll be so much easier and
you'll feel so much freer, because you'll only say yes to the things
that you truly want. Also, I used to think that I had to make up an "excuse" when I wanted to say no to something. And it was really hard to say no to events
or opportunities or things when I didn't have a real good excuse
other than "I don't feel like it." But I've learned that it is okay to say no
even without any excuse: no reason, no explanation, just:
"No, no thank you. I'm not available.” All you have to do is say, “Thank you for thinking of me. It's just not something that I want to do right now. But I appreciate you asking.” And that's it. Say no with grace and gratitude, guys. All of this comes back to self love, learning to love yourself, treat yourself kindly, prioritize your wellbeing because at the end of the day, you have to take care of the most
important person in your life, and that person is you. So take care of yourself. Always do what's best for yourself,
because you know what? Everyone else is doing what's best for them, and if you’re just doing what's best for
everyone else and not yourself, no one's going to look after you. No one's going to have your back
the way that you can have your back. So I hope that this was a fun video. I had fun making it. Remember it's probably going to feel
uncomfortable and awkward when you start setting boundaries, especially if you've never done that before. And other people are going to be like, “Hey, what are you doing? This is something new.” So it's going to be different for everybody, but I promise you it's for the best. You're going to be so much freer. You're going to feel so good at putting yourself first, and so good to learn to communicate honestly, because once you do that, you might realize that people aren't as pushy as you thought. People are understanding. Most people are understanding and respectful. All you need to do is learn to communicate your needs. And then you can start a dialogue and
come to a compromise, a healthier way to run your relationships, rather than being passive aggressive, thinking for other people, assuming,
overthinking, all of that. So thanks so much for watching! And please share this video to anyone
out there who might need it, because this is a lesson that a lot of us have to learn. It's something that I'm learning, still learning,
but I'm getting better at it. Also, if you want to watch more videos
for people pleasers, I have a whole playlist right here and down below. Sending you so much love. Bye! [Knocking]
