HOW TO SET AND KEEP BOUNDARIES WITH A NARCISSIST: 6 KEYS

whenever we talk about how to manage yourself best with the narcissist and that could be a relative term kid at best because they tend not to bring the best out of you do they but anyway as we talk about dealing with a narcissist inevitably the topic of boundaries tends to show up now what does it mean to have proper boundaries with the narcissist I know we've touched on it in other videos but I'd like for us to get a little bit more specific into it today and as we do I want to kind of give you an analogy about physical boundaries so that we can bring it over into the psychological realm and have that mindset already established for example at my house I have a document that actually shows very specifically where my property begins and ends and then right next door to me my next-door neighbor has a very similar document that shows exactly where their property begins and ends now let's suppose that it's a Saturday and I'm outdoors trimming the shrubs and my next-door neighbor yells at me and says hey get over here and cut my shrubs too well no I mean if I'm a friendly guy I may actually go over nail them I actually like my next-door neighbors I could do that but no I'm not gonna get over to just do your yard work for you do your own yard work now that would become a silly but the bottom line is this is my property and I'm going to take care of it that's your property and you get to take care of that now that doesn't mean that we can't step across the boundary lines and engage with each other and come into one another's homes and enjoy time together that certainly would be appropriate but when it comes to the ultimate care and responsibility for what we each own then each person is responsible for what we each have the same isn't is true in the psychological realm I have my personality the other person has their personality and it's my responsibility to take care of me just as it's responsible for that other person to take care of who they are now as we talk about this subject of setting up boundaries with the narcissist I do want to make one thing very clear up front because many people tend to complain and they'll say well Carter I tried the boundary things that you've been talking about I've tried to and it didn't work and typically when they say it didn't work what they mean is the narcissist kept on being difficult the narcissist wouldn't change or wouldn't adjust and so they say well see it didn't work that's not what we're talking about when we talk about setting up good boundaries having good boundaries doesn't mean that you're going to act in such a way that finally and things are going to be just fine between you and that other person that other person probably is not going to change very much keep in mind that some of the defining features of narcissism tend to be things like a high dominance and control and stubbornness they have a sense of entitlement that they don't take input very well they don't really want to coordinate because they think they're better than you and so if you establish yourself as being a healthy person or if you're an unhealthy person either way they're not they're gonna just be what they are and so when we talk about having healthy boundaries we're talking about you being true to you knowing full well that the narcissist is going to continue with their overbearing and controlling ways but you have to learn how not to lose yourself and in the process and how you can be true to what you really tend to be now as we get into this I want you to look at some of the things that a narcissist typically can say or do that actually blurs the whole lines of boundaries and how you can sometimes get suckered into that for example when when you're dealing with a narcissist they want you to meet their personal needs they feel like you exist we call it a narcissistic supply you exist to make them feel better and so they'll say all sorts of demanding things to you to make you feel like it's your job to keep them feeling happy or to keep them afloat with whatever their schedules are and things like that and so that's part of them blurring the boundaries it's like you're responsible for me just as I'm responsible for me and I'm responsible for making you be what you are or another element of the the blurred boundaries is the narcissist tries to keep you in an enabler kind of role in essence they want to make sure that you do all sorts of things according to their bidding and and you make them feel like they're the king or queen of the world the narcissist requires you to ignore your own healthy plans if you come along and say well I have a separate idea or preference or interpretation they'll look at you and say well then quit it just be what I tell you to be that's another element of blurred boundaries the the narcissist blurs boundaries by requiring you to lay down your sense of self-respect many many times I've heard from people who will say well once they've been in the process and presence of that narcissus for any period of time they wind up feeling very poorly about themselves it's like their their self-esteem has been robbed actually narcissus can be defined as thieves they robbed you of your own sense of well-being and that's part of the blurred boundaries that's they're also part of the blurred boundaries is there's a whole element of dishonesty that you can get wrapped up in and as a result of the the narcissist there's not going to be very truthful about who they are and what they feel and what they need and then you wind up being guarded cautious calculated and that sense of honesty and decency begins to be taken away from you that all is an indication of blurred boundaries and the net result can be that you'll struggle with problems like anxiety or discouragement you can be extremely defensive you can go to your place of anger way too easily either in a quiet tension or a yelling and why are you doing this to me kind of responds all of that indicates that there's a blurriness there going back to my analogy of the property one person is responsible for who they are the other person is responsible for their life but in a case with the narcissus it's very very mixed up and it tends not to work that way so as we talk about establishing and keeping proper boundaries between you and the narcissist keeping in mind the narcissist is just going to continue to be what they are I have six primary points that I want you to consider first this becomes part of your mindset keep in mind that uniqueness is built into all of nature when the narcissist looks at you and says there's something different about you and I don't like it immediately what they're saying is it's not okay for you to be unique well you take a look at nature and there's so many different unique features with our plant system and all the different animals and and just all the different languages and cultural elements that we have and when it comes down to individual personalities there's there's no two personalities that are exactly the same and so when the narcissist says you can't be what you are it's like well but this is how I was created this is Who I am and so first and foremost you want to have a mindset that says not only is my uniqueness okay it's inevitable and I need to embrace it and that's a very important beginning point as you go deeper a second primary point to maintaining good boundaries is define who you want to be and this this and to yourself and this may and imply all sorts of things regarding lifestyle preferences emotional management do you want to be an angry person do you want to be a defensive person do you want to be somebody who has to be guarded and careful all the time well if that's what you want to be then be that I hope you come up with something different but define the characteristics the traits that you believe would be wisest and best as a simple example when I'm in a disagreement with someone I'd like to define myself as being steady or I'd like to define myself as being fair-minded or I'd like to define myself as being confident whereas the narcissists over there thinking oh I'm gonna define who you are well no that's blurry boundaries and I'm not doing that a third primary point in establishing boundaries is be very open and clear about who you are so many times you can tiptoe around that narcissist knowing that they're going to be belligerent or they're going to be judgmental or they're gonna be punishing and it's like I can't afford to let you know what I am and how I think and and how I'd like to proceed with life well that means that your boundaries are blurred you're allowing your life to be way too easily determined by that other person let it be known if the bount if the narcissist says here's how you're supposed to prioritize to your day today or this is how I want you to manage this project if it differs from you just simply saying that differs from me here's Who I am this is what I believe this is how I'm gonna proceed in families if it means that the narcissist says here's how here's the priorities you're supposed to have and if you have different ones be open about it don't go around hiding and apologizing for what you are and then point number four match your behavior with those beliefs one of the things that the narcissist is going to want to do is they'll they'll want to trip you up and and give you all sorts of reasons why you can't be what you're going to be and they may pull powermoves and punish you and and with withhold money your affection and things like that nonetheless I have this very simple philosophy that says I'm not very good trying to be somebody that I'm not as you have your well conceived beliefs about who you are in it and your uniqueness and the way that you feel that you need to manage your life act it out and then point number five when challenged about your actions and your opinions don't defend the narcissist is going to be dissatisfied no matter what they tend not to be people that have real cheery moods and unless everybody's just doing exactly what they want that person is committed to their own anger they're committed to their own even bigotry if you will or their their own prejudices and opinions and so what you're going to do isn't going to make them be any different but nonetheless when they challenge you rather than feeling like you've got to explain why they're gonna why it's okay for you to be me to be you they're not gonna change their opinions so don't make that effort and then the last point and this is the part about nolle maintaining boundaries but keeping your batteries practice a certain emotional detachment from that narcissist too many times you can think well maybe if I act this way or if I talk this way or if I have this preference or priority then that person is going to be a lot better and nicer to me and we're going to get along just fine and in doing so you're allowing your sense of well-being to be attached directly to that narcissist and their opinions towards you unfortunately there's such a low probability that that's going to happen you just have to go ahead and start with the notion that that individual is just not going to be happy so you emotionally unhook I call it delicate detachment you can detach but you don't be have to be harsh about it you can still maintain calmness and decency but the bottom line is you need to go ahead and stay steady with what you are now there are all sorts of illustrations that I suspect that you can think about in your own personal life and one of the things that you're going to realize but as if you already have them setting boundaries and being very firm about who you are and having your your definition well established and you maintain it is easier said than done because that other person is so intrusive kind of like going back to that illustration there with me and my neighbor you know if the neighbors constantly talking about get over here and do my work for me here or make your house look this way instead of that way well no I'm not going to do it well the neighbor may still be in a bad mood and I've actually heard of people who've had difficulties with their next-door neighbors who are overbearing the same is true with relationships there's no guarantee that that other person is going to appreciate who you are but at some point you have to decide I can't afford to just completely give up on me and I can't afford to let my personality be taken over by somebody who's a damaged and unhealthy person healthy boundaries means you have a very strong definition for who you are and you're going to stay with it and when that other individual wants to take it away from you it's like I'm sorry that's not yours to claim so if the other person is unable to adjust and change you go ahead and make your adjustment anyway with no illusion that that person is going to me you at a healthy halfway point and you simply remain true to what you are and then at some point you may have to assess the viability of the relationship because if it's going to be just an ongoing power play with that other person and you're trying not to do the power play then you may have to decide what in the world am i doing staying in a relationship that this that's this uncomfortable now as we close I do want to invite you to look below the video I have some resources with some books available and we'd also like for you to to subscribe to our channel so that as more videos come up we'll keep you apprised

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 555,945

Keywords: boundaries, narcissism, narcissist, Dr. Les Carter, anger, divorce, conflict resolution, counseling, marriage

Id: UHlcX-vUBZg

Length: 13min 49sec (829 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 06 2018