How to Recover from Narcissistic Relationships: Becoming Unstuck

hello everybody thanks for coming along tonight put up a pool recently the sort of topics you might like me to cover and becoming unstuck seemed to be the most popular one having said that it was a close contest between them all so I will look a little bit uh triggers and a little bit of boundaries as well I can't really go into in depth in the mall but we're looking tonight at becoming unstuck but we're going to look at why we become on stocks some of the reasons why we are stuck why we find moving forward difficult then we're going to look at some ideas to help you to move forward to become unstuck but first of all what I'll say is if you have been in a situation an environment or relationship with someone who's difficult toxic narcissistic all of the above that is going to have an impact on you that's going to affect your sense of self your sense of State your self-esteem your self-confidence you think of the gaslighting the rewriting of your own narrative uh your doubting your own thoughts your own feelings coming out of that can also be difficult because we have if you will there's a residual kind of effect we find ourselves stuck in different ways so we're going to outline some of the ways so first of all one of the reasons why we could still we still be stuck it could be because maybe there is still some kind of contact now maybe the relationship has ended but there are children involved so there's some kind of a contact there they could be family members it's maybe a family of origin there's still some kind of contact there it could be a work situation so you still have to go into work every day there's going to be some kind of contact and every time there's some kind of contact what happens is we sometimes find ourselves acting reacting as if we always did the way we always did when we were stuck in that environment hello thriving I hello from Ireland yeah and hello jealous nice to see you as well I'm glad you like my videos I'm glad you find them helpful so we can be stuck as in there's still some kind of contact what we also find as well is a lot of rumination it's one of the questions came up when I put up the poll about rumination now what rumination is is we think about the same thing over and over again and the reason for that is a lot of different reasons but I think the biggest reason is we don't like things that don't make sense our brains aren't hardwired to sit with uncomfortable things we are probably the only creature on this planet that needs to know things we don't know we need to know what to do whenever we don't know what to do it doesn't sit well with us so if you imagine you're in a situation with someone who could have been maybe a sibling a parent a partner it could be someone that you trusted someone that you loved someone that was supposed to have your back but they were they were selfish they were judgmental they were critical they didn't show any kind of compassion well that doesn't make sense to us especially if we have invested so much of us into them and it was never enough so what we do is we ruminate we think about almost all of those interactions they keep coming back we think about the birthday we think about the special occasion we we think about the time we sacrifice the time that we compromise but we got little back in return good evening everybody uh eluda Sandy Mason Barbara it's just Darren keep saying no doctor I would like to be the doctor the time lord doctor but Darren's fine a high basketball fan to say hello to everybody so where'd I get to you yeah we think about all of those interactions we think about how much it hurt we think about the things that we might have been able to do differently we think about why the hell did they do that why would someone behave like aren't we almost try to go into their head trying to think of their motivations trying to think of you know what were their motives we don't like things that don't make sense now the other side of that is if there is still contact and maybe we have to see them maybe we have to re respond to a text or an email we have to meet up with them we have to do whatever they're going to be in the situation or the environment that we're going to be in um we start to analyze what could happen what are they going to do how are they going to hurt me so we're almost like safety planning and we're thinking ahead we're expecting something on whatever it is we're trying to avoid that so we keep on ruminating thinking about the same things over and over again another reason we can be stuck is blame now as much as we know that her person heard us as much as we have a good idea of their character and the way they behaved for some people they actually blame themselves I maybe should have done this I should have done that I should have said the other thing a common thing you may have said this yourself I've said it myself a lot of comments on the channels a lot of different uh people commented on many different things why didn't I see the red flags so there's a little bit of blame there as well why did I not see this coming when the truth is you know when it comes to red flags it's not like they were waving them in front of you saying hooray look at what I'm doing a lot of the time they're little small subtle things there are little pieces at a time it's a small kind of erosion a little piece at a time so we don't really see them until we're in the middle of it but there is still that kind of blame that goes on not just blame for them but the blame that we sometimes feel towards ourselves for not doing this for not saying that for being in that position in the first place because if he had the choice you wouldn't have been there but remember it was that little piece at a time we also think I'm gonna be very careful how free is this sometimes we think our recovery and our ability to be able to move on is dependent on them we need them to acknowledge we need them to apologize we need them to say they're sorry we need them to get their commitments now I if you're dealing with someone who is narcissistic that's probably not going to happen because if you think of narcissism which seems to be the biggest thing on my channel a lot of people ask me to talk about narcissism there is a very fragile sense of self a very fragile ego they have a version of the world aversion of themselves reality is too painful they're not going to have that to acknowledge they did something wrong would almost be crushing for them you I did put out a short earlier on about a narcissistic apology it's not that you don't get apologies rarely sometimes you might but they always come with a caveat there's a bit of sarcasm well okay if sorry means such a big deal you know or they're sorry because of the consequences they may face but every now and again you might get something that is genuine and they do realize maybe they've gone too far and they do regret it that doesn't last because that fragile sense of self kicks in the defense mechanisms kick in and that immediately becomes rejected and it becomes about what you or someone else did if we think our recovery is dependent on them we're gonna be waiting a very very long time the other part of that would be needing some sense of justice you watch TV you watch movies the good guys always win they always get there they always get the last word at the end they always save the day they always come out Vindicated sadly in real life that doesn't work that way you know sadly sometimes the other person gets to keep the house they get a promotion people seem to side with them we need some sense of justice at least that's what we believe we need and maybe we do but if we hold on to that again that's going to hold us back we're not really going to be able to move forward because we're still in some way dependent on the other person for us to be able to move forward another part now this could be again at someone you were in a long-term relationship I think this would be very common in families or maybe you had narcissistic parents or siblings that's not how families are supposed to work mom and dad are supposed to be there they're supposed to protect you they're supposed to encourage you they're supposed to feel proud of you they're supposed to you know again with narcissism that might not necessarily happen so what we do is we start thinking about well what if this hadn't been different or what if I had tried that little bit harder or what if I had given them what they had wanted so again it's a form of rumination but it's almost like we're trying to rewrite what happened as if we could have done it better if it's a relationship that was difficult there may be that part of us that's thinking maybe they have changed well it's not for me to say they would or they wouldn't again if it's narcissism it's not likely um I think sometimes what we see is a changing tactic or a change in strategy sometimes to do the same thing and any change may be short-lived before they just go back to doing what they're doing again so we're kind of back where we started and to make that point if you think of a relationship you were in with someone who was narcissistic if you think of that cycle you went through there was what they would call the honeymoon phase everything's great everything's wonderful everything is fine and then there would be a little bit of kind of devaluing there's jokes with Jags there's criticism there's things like that and then there would become some kind of bust up some kind of punishment for whatever after that there may be some kind of change in Behavior to show they're not as bad as really you thought they were so you're back to the honeymoon phase and it starts cycle that we often go through um in difficult toxic relationships even out of the relationship sometimes there's a part of us that remembers the good stuff even the rest of it was horrible but there were good things and there is a bit of us that might hope that part of them will come back so there can be that kind of thinking as well and the last thing I think that keeps us stuck I'm not saying it's the biggest thing for some people it would be I'm not without reason the last thing that keeps us stuck is the pain because it hurts like hell there is no pain like it I kind of think it feels like we've lost a part of ourselves it's part of us that invested in them invested in that relationship there's um that part of us we poured so much of ourselves into it it was rejected it was trampled over um I just see someone's mentioned betrayal trauma yeah you could be with that person you might have been with that person you gave them everything and they ended up they were still cheating they were still seeing other people and it seems as if we're not enough that betrayal that hurts like hell it's it's we have been rejected as human beings we have been rejected and nobody likes to be rejected the pain of the humiliation we went through the embarrassment the way they may have talked to us in public the jokes they might have made about us to our friends the way we would have been devalued in front of our work colleagues that feels that thing's crushing and again we ruminate over the pin we ruminate over those situations and we get stuck part of us I think is still stuck in that environment or with that person it's the part of us that maybe hasn't been updated it's the part of us that still yearns for some kind of validation for some kind of recognition it's the part of us that if you think about it it's that part of us that if we were to let go of it would be like we were really really losing a part of ourselves and that's not what we want to do we want it to make sense we if you will we're still somehow in mesh there so it's harder we get on Tangled so what I'm talking about tonight are just some ideas these ideas they could help you on your journey they're not necessarily going to give you a quick fix because the thing about recovery is it's not a shortcut it's a journey it's a process and it's a little piece at a time and I'm going to explain later on little ways for you to recognize how you're moving along because if we're not paying attention sometimes we miss it recognize as well that part of us get stuck there it's almost like we're grieving no this is the thing about grief grief isn't just feeling sad grief is a lot of different things they talk about the the stages of grief now it sounds very clinical to me and as much as it makes sense um I I think more along the lines of the different things we feel while we're grieving I don't think there's a particular order I think that there's a whole Spectrum in between and I also think we can go round and round and back and forward but when we're grieving sometimes usually the first thing that hits us is denial because we can't believe it how the hell did this happen to me you know I was I'm better than this why did I not see this coming again why did I not see the red flags I don't let these people treat me like this I don't like that people that person treat me like this why the hell so there's denial what we also start to think is maybe a little bit of bargaining I'd rather think rather than anything we maybe do a little bit of bargaining what if I did this what if it'd be different or what if I did that how would it be different we get angry I talked about anger last time high anger is fueled by different things it's fueled by Injustice unfairness being treated badly it's been in shame it's feeling guilt it's feeling a lot of different things and it comes out as anger so we feel angry we feel angry at the Injustice of the situation especially if they seem to be having their best life especially if they're acting as if they are the wounded party especially if everybody seems to be signing with them we feel anger we also feel guilt we sometimes feel guilt because of when we did stand up for ourselves maybe we were more aggressive than assertive maybe we did things that go against our moral code now I'm not going to tell anyone they were right or wrong but what I will offer you to think about is a lot of times when we react we or or act in certain ways we're doing what we think is the best course of action at that time and we're not born with the gift of hindsight that it is a normal thing to say it will also feel depression we'll feel a low mood we'll feel a lack of motivation and eventually we'll come to acceptance which I will talk about later on but they would be the main stages of grief I don't think there's an order to it so say we go back and forth we go round and round and sometimes we can get stuck on one part of it which is another thing that can keep us stuck but if you recognize your grieving you're grieving different things first of all you're grieving the relationship and it doesn't matter how toxic it was but if I put it to you this way you might not be grieving the relationship you're grieving the relationship you would have liked to have had the one that if you will you were promised the one that you want the one you hoped there would have been often that's what we're grieving not necessarily the one that we had you might also be grieving the person if you'd have been with them for a long time or a family of origin let's be honest you grew up with them you've known them your whole life you're grieving them but again you're grieving the version of them that you would have preferred you're grieving the version of them maybe they presented to the rest of the world you're grieving if it was a relationship you're grieving the version of them that you fell for not the real thing and that can bring a lot of things that can bring things like disappointment that can I can bring low mood that can bring depression but grief is a normal a normal thing to feel at the end of a relationship especially a long-term one even if it's a very difficult one but recognize your grief you're also grieving a part of that part of yourself I mentioned earlier you could have been with someone six months you could have been with someone 25 years again it could have been a family you grew up with it could have been a working situation you spent too long in you're grieving that part of yourself that invested you're great in that part of yourself that maybe things as if it wasted all that time recognizing your grief I think is an important part of being able to move forward we don't want to feel it again which might be where some of the anger comes from some of the times that anger is directed towards ourselves she recognized the loss the grief if you will I said a moment ago about acceptance being the last part of grief and I touched on this in a previous live stream one of the reasons we struggle with grief or sorry struggle with acceptance is because sometimes we don't fully understand what it means sometimes it can just mean we're resigning ourselves to something but not always sometimes if we acknowledge acceptance what we're not doing looking at it the other way around if you will accepting something doesn't mean you're fine with it it does not mean you're okay with it it does not mean everything's fine and it doesn't matter we can accept something and it still hurts like hell but we're just acknowledging it is what it is they are what they are maybe they're not for changing they're not going to say they're sorry they're not going to acknowledge it grieving for the future you plan this Liberty absolutely right that's another thing we create the life we would have liked to have had the future we were if you when we were supposed to have there won't be promised each other on our wedding day things like that yeah we grieve that version of that part of us that was lost they didn't get that in spite of our best efforts and that can bring up a lot of things again brings up the anger depression the guilt all of those things to be able to move forward I like if any of you watch and I've spoken to him a couple of times Jay Reid I've spoken to him on his channel he's spoken to me online I love the way he phrases this he says you learn to start to live in Defiance and I think that's a great way of putting that in order to move forward first of all I think what we need is a bit of distance if you're still in that environment it's very different because if you're still in that environment I think of what maybe what you're looking at is ways to manage ways to cope ways of managing your boundaries and so on but where there is a bit of distance I think that's when healing starts that's when our journey of healing starts in that distance in that space now it could be an emotional distance between intellectual distance it could be a physical distance maybe you've moved time and you've moved out of the house or whatever it's in that distance you start to live a bit differently and that might begin this is what I said earlier on about paying attention to Little Things you might notice little things like maybe you're testing music has changed maybe you're eating a different kind of food maybe you start to dress a little differently or you change your hairstyle literally get hair like mine it's only style you have like a enough of my worries little things begin to change what you're doing is you're getting to know yourself better you may find yourself doing little things like maybe in work you start to talk to people you wouldn't normally talk to um you might find yourself volunteering to do things you wouldn't normally do you take up you know some kind of a hobby or something what we're trying to do is we are getting to know ourselves a little bit better and I think it's maybe something that happens unconsciously but if you pay attention to it you start to see those little things you can also make a conscious effort and this is what it is to live in Defiance maybe you start listening to the music that every time you put it on they complained they had a sore head so you had to turn it off or you start to watch movies or TV shows that they would just talk over the top of so that you can couldn't get watching it they would complain about how awful the actor is or why do you watch that kind of nonsense you start to do the things that you weren't allowed to do that's living in defiance you maybe start to either make new friends or you start to reconnect with the friends that you lost friends that they would have thrown a hessy fit if you'd have please let this person's new referenced in the description I will indeed his name is Jay Reid his channel uh Jay Reid recovery from narcissistic childhoods his child he's got a wealth of information I am actually going to put them in the link because something he does which I don't which I can't he has an online course and he has a Facebook page for supporting people who have been in narcissistic relationships um particularly focuses on family Dynamics the upbringing and so on but I'm going to put his details in the description of the video um whatever resources absolutely whatever resources there are please available because that's another thing to help you move forward you you utilize you create you utilize you make the most of every resource there is think of what I do for a living I'm a counselor so the first thing I'm going to say is speak to your counselor okay you can speak to your concert to understand what's going on with you not necessarily what's going on with the other person that's another thing that gets us stuck is when we over analyze their behavior trying to make sense of them because they make no bloody sense why would someone behave like this because ultimately they end up destroying themselves and you're wondering who the hell does that go and take a counselor yeah you can help understand that but you're more looking at yourself what's going on with you your own internal processes the little things you can do to you untangle yourself it's a very American word that I do like it uncoupling uncouple yourself that part of you that still maybe looking for them to to apologize to make it better so there's counseling some people like life coaching life coaching is different um I'm not a life coach so any life coaches listening to this you can correct me if I'm wrong life coaching is different life coaching is looking at your um where you are and where you would like to be and helping you to utilize whatever skills you have and even develop new ones together because that could be becoming more assertive that could be um looking for that job that you want that could be made able to manage your boundaries better there's different counseling can do or rather coaching can do a lot of different things some people go down the coaching route some people do both there are support groups um even in local areas um face-to-face you know groups for people there's a lot of stuff online as I say Jay Reid has offers one on Facebook it's an online one so I'm going to put a link to that there's a lot of different stuff when you start talking to other people a lot of the times you'll find your stories are very similar a lot of people are thinking wow that happened to me and you know my goodness my ex did the same um you know they must have went to the same school or something you know there is something very normalizing about it but there is also something very empowering about it because people support each other one of the things I like about YouTube I'm not great on social media I dabble on social media but I'm no expert I just mess about with it even on YouTube you can tell I tend to make this up as I go along I don't know how to add it properly I don't have titles and music and stuff um one of the things that has really struck me in the videos when people ask me to make a video and I make the video I put it out if I get enough people asking for the same kind of thing and you know I'll maybe take different suggestions and put them all into the long video to try and explain something what really strikes me is the number of people who will support each other they will talk to each other they will say things like yeah that was just like my mom or that was just like my ex or whatever I mean I think that's really incredible there's something very validating about that and if I never get anything outside of doing uh you're doing this I think that has made it worthwhile it has it connects people in a way that haven't been connected before where they can share their stories they can share their insights so that connecting with others making new friends uh reconnecting with old friends even you know if you were isolated from your family trying to reconnect with your family someone's version about being too old 55 years it's never too late absolutely not I'm going to give you an example of being too old okay now you can tell I'm slightly over 30 okay but I was talking to a friend of mine his wife was thinking you know I would like to go back I would like to go back to UNI I would like to study counseling that sounds really interesting she was just asking that advice so I was telling her how long it would take the sort of thing she'd learn and sort of things you have to go through and all the different processes and I was telling her about the work it's interesting what got me interested in counseling is is people I think people are amazing people are fascinating I never met somebody even the most toxic people you know the difficult people not talking about cancer but even in real life um everybody's interesting there's always something about somebody and that's why I like that's what I like about it counseling because people are absolutely fascinating but I was telling her about this and I was really telling her my passion about people and she says well I'd really like to do it but she says by the time I graduate I'm going to be 50. and um it was just my friend her husband he says well you know he says four years from now you're going to be 50 anyway so you know why not just do it you know you might not regret it you know you might be glad that you did it I think that's a really good example I mean at what age are we actually too old to do something well okay maybe I'm a bit too old to be James Bond and I'm a bit more George Smiley but you know fair enough it's never I don't think it's ever too late for us to move forward to move on how we move on and what that life looks like is going to be different for everybody I don't think there's a one size fits all and it's your journey okay I don't think there's a right or a wrong we will trip we will fall we will stumble we will take a step back we will have to take a step to the side and go around something but one way or another it is still a journey and maybe there's no better time to start than either right now or first thing in the morning okay it's how we go about it being out of the environment getting back to it I could say tried so easily um being out of that environment can help because we do get the 11 defense we do get to see there's nothing wrong with saying no there's not necessarily anything wrong with doing things in our own best interest if there's still some kind of contact yeah you're gonna get some kind of grief there's going to be some kind of criticism but with that distance it's easier to manage and just on that to be able to move forward let's look at what keeps us stuck I mentioned the things that the reasons for stock so let's look at the things that keep us stuck are the things that may be a better way of putting it the things to stop doing if you will to keep us stuck if you have to have contact with that person or those people if you have to or even if you meet future people like that think about what didn't work okay I always think we learn from what doesn't work every bit as much as what does so for example if you expected them to change and they would no matter what you did you pleaded you begged compromised you screamed doesn't matter what it was everything you did in order to try to get them to change nothing worked maybe stop trying stop hoping you'll change if they want to change they will and that's going to be entirely up to them but we can't force it the most we will ever do is influence someone that's as much as we can do stop hoping that it will change if they promise that they have changed again it's entirely up to you whether or not you believe them I think a good indicator is watching Behavior repeated patterns of behavior that's why I often make it clear on the videos when I talk about you know um being highly disagreeable um being highly resistant to criticism being selfish self-absorbed every single one of us is like this from time to time all of us are in certain moments in certain situations we can all be like that from time to time what I try to make clear is it's a long-term persistent pattern it is pervasive it's like a default setting so you're looking at a long-term consistent pattern someone promises have changed observe the behavior that's the biggest indicator just observe the behavior not just the ones not just the twice but long term and even if they struggle even if they slip back if they're being genuine they'll apologize and they will try to get better they will do their best not to do it again other than that maybe they're just telling you they're sorry that promised have changed in order to get what they want but stop expecting stop hoping they're going to change the second one is to stop explaining yourself no matter how many times you explain to someone someone who's maybe narcissistic who is committed to be disagreeable who's committed not to listen no matter how many times you explain to them they decided or whatever was going on they didn't hear it they didn't believe it they didn't agree with it they shut it down they would pick up on one small part and they would twist that and the more you try to explain yourself the more you find yourself running around in circles you drive yourself crazy there's nothing wrong necessarily with giving an account of yourself but that's not the same as an explanation what I mean by that is somebody asks you for something and you say I can't do that I wouldn't have the time and they keep going on yeah but you do have the time because of their certainly you just repeat the same thing I won't be doing that I don't have the time and then they start saying but you sure you could do this that you know I won't be doing that I don't have the time do not need to over give an account of yourself is one thing but trying to explain yourself to someone who has set out not the lesson you're going to drive yourself insane and you're going to find yourself going through that same pattern over and over again so maybe stop explaining yourself the next one is do not get caught up in a mode of arguments a lot of the arguments you have with narcissistic people are emotive they're not factual they're not principled they are emotive try to keep it factual this is actually what happened and that's as far as you have to go and again you don't do not over explain yourself you just keep it factual and keep repeating the same point when it becomes a motive that's often when it leaps from one thing to the next and the next thing you know you're accused of saying something about an episode of Friends back in 1998 that they're still hurting up today as if that's got something to do with what we're talking about right now you're going to go all over the place you're driving yourself crazy so try not to get drawn into emotive arguments I'm going to be very careful how I say this as well you it's okay to be the villain but don't be the villain that they claim you are let me explain that if you say no you're the villain if you don't give them what they want you're the villain if you don't back down you're the villain if you have boundaries you are the villain in their mind you are the villain so be the villain be the one with the boundaries be the one that says no be the one that wants to have a better life be the one that is better off without them if that's what makes you a villain then be their villain let me put it to you this way every billionaire megalomaniac James Bond is the villain you know every billionaire megalomaniac is trying to take over the world James Bond is the villain so you know be the villain but don't be the villain that they claim your just a quote actually anybody here I'm sure you've heard of it if you've maybe read the book or you've seen one of the movies the kind of Monte Cristo it's one of my favorite books it's it's a it's an incredible story I love it anybody that doesn't know the story it's a young guy admin dantees he ends up in ends ends up in in prison for something like 14 years and he ends up escaping he meets the guy in the cell next to him and you know they're going to escape together and while they're in prison he works out why he's he's in prison he decides he wants Vengeance and so on but just before the escape the old man next to him dies and he says something to him not powerful isn't here I can't remember it word for word but I think it's it's a wonderful thing to think about he says the admin when you get out he says do not commit the crime for which you know serve the sentence come have your best life go and do good I think that's it's a really good idea so yeah you're going to be a villain by having boundaries but don't be the villain they tell you do not become the very thing that they accuse you of someone I've Just Seen A Flash there someone's talking about flashbacks we are going to get flashbacks something going to talk about triggers a trigger is if you will it's an emotional memory a trigger is first of all it's an external thing it's a site to sign to touch your smell somebody says something to hear something whatever it is and what that brings up is an emotional memory we don't always remember something that happened cognitively but we remember how it felt sometimes we have flashbacks and they're just little images that we have of the things that happened now they can be very distressing we can get triggered in many different ways they don't all have to be distressed and we can get triggered in ways that are that we can be triggered as we're very excited we can get triggered in ways we're bored we'll have to do the ironing who likes doing the ironing I certainly don't every time I think of doing the ironing I get bored that's a trigger so we all have different triggers it's the really disturbing distress in months that we try our best to avoid and every time something comes up we're doing our best to avoid it this is where constant can really help it can help you manage some of those memories help you to process and put them into your context but in the meantime something that can help whenever we find ourselves being told it's first of all recognize it somebody might do or say something someone that's been with you a long time they know what buttons to push they'll be pushing those buttons to try to get some kind of reaction sometimes you might just be doing something and it just pops into your hand as I'm talking right now something might be popping into your head most thoughts are automatic they do pop into your head we can either engage with them or we can choose to let them go what we're not doing is we're not pushing them out of our head that sometimes makes it worse the more this more we try to get rid of it avoid it the more distressing it comes back little things to help whenever those things come up the rumination the flashbacks and things like that remind yourself of what you're doing right now where you are right now this helps with updating your memory as well for instance right now I'm listening to a guy from Belfast talking on YouTube right now I'm brushing my teeth right now I'm doing the iron right now I'm going to have a coffee you remind yourself of what you're doing right now in this moment recognize as well right now I happen to think right now I have the thought or even right now I have the memory remember what it is and it may be distressing it may be uncomfortable but you acknowledge it for what it is it's a thought and it's in this moment it will pass it always does then go back to doing whatever it is you're doing and even the feelings that come up with it our breathing starts to change or Hartley or heart rate changes we might start to shake we might start that's why we all have different physical reactions acknowledge what you're feeling right now right now I happen to feel anxious right now I happen to feel uncertain right now I happen to feel angry whatever it is we're feeling acknowledge it don't try and push it away don't try and avoid it acknowledge it for what it is and allow it to subside again go back to doing what you were doing just prior to it came over you that's not necessarily going to get rid of it but it might help you to manage these things a little bit better I can't really go into depth on YouTube it's something maybe to talk about with with your therapist they can help you manage it in a more constructive better one-to-one than I can just over a video but those little things what you're doing is you're grounding yourself you're putting yourself back into the present back into the here and now because a lot of the times when we get flashbacks what we're thinking or what we're feeling what we sometimes believe is yesterday's situation is present today yesterday's threat is present today it feels like it is but that's not the same as it is and it's learning to recognize the difference I'm so glad I saw that comment because I would have forgotten to mention the trigger so I do appreciate that and I do hope that you're able to grind yourself a little bit better um or to get to you the other thing is being able to draw on your strengths draw on your qualities the things again living in defiance and living in in the absence of that person you recognize the qualities you had beforehand but also recognize the qualities that you developed during that and they may have been qualities that you were told weren't qualities they were weaknesses they were foolish or they were selfish whatever it is you probably have pretty good problem solving skills you probably have good negotiation skills you probably have a good healthy level of assertiveness for example in work or with other people or with friends or you know with whatever you partner with or whatever um recognize those strengths and here's another strength I often call less an advantage narcissistic people tend to think very much in the hearing though they're very much Eagle driven it's all about instant gratification how do I win right now what makes me look good right now how do I shut this person down right now what gets me what I want right now so it's very instant you have the ability to think tomorrow you have the ability to think next week you have the ability to think a year from now five years from now I'm not your advantage draw on your strengths think about your Preferred Future how do you get there from here what is it you need what's missing what could be helpful to the narcissistic person even though they seem to be having their best life they're still living very much in the moment which isn't necessarily a bad thing just talked about being in the mood but that's a lot of the time that's all they can do it's very instant the ability to think ahead I think it's wonderful and okay here's the second movie tonight example um if you think the Shawshank Redemption it's it's a great movie it's a fantastic movie you think of that poor guy Andy everything he went through what people didn't realize is he was thinking ahead one handful of dirt a day chipped away at the wall and an emptied out from his pocket the next day pretty much one handful of dirt a day he was thinking ahead while people thought they were manipulating him no he was setting himself up so that he could get away he was thinking ahead maybe that's a per example um but I'm just saying having that ability to think ahead and that's an advantage we often have over people who can only think in the moment because they maybe think they've won that battle they don't realize that maybe you're thinking more in terms of winning the war um getting ahead having your best life mention the triggers the emotional memories um looking as well at your boundaries another way to help you is to recognize what your boundaries are because in that relationship and even a common out of that relationship those boundaries are probably still on some level they're going to chip the layout your boundaries are flexible there are yours okay they do not have to be rigid you can change those boundary your boundaries with one person might be different from they are with another because that's a completely different relationship you may have a core you may have some red lines and that's fair enough but you think of your boundaries I often think of boundaries as nor near values your limits your integrity your self-respect and we also have different kinds of boundaries there's physical boundaries okay and we we don't want to be physically hurt we don't physically we don't want people in our space we don't want uh even our own personal property that's our physical boundaries we don't want people taking our stuff giving it away to other people or damaging it there's intellectual boundaries people can criticize us and disagree with this but that's different from being harsh being abrasive being judgmental we have emotional boundaries you have every right to feel what you feel by the way so do they but you have every right to feel what you feel there are your feelings you own them and it's not for anybody to devalue them now your feelings may be out of proportion to what you feel they might not be an accurate reflection of what's really happening there may be this regulated somehow but that does not mean they're not honest and it does not mean they're not yours you have every right to feel them in a relationship with a narcissistic person we often find our feelings being on their mind being criticized being made fun of or being told there's something wrong with us for feeling anything not true your feelings are yours so you have emotional boundaries as well we have lots of different kinds of boundaries I will go in more in depth and I will go more in depth in a future video about boundaries there was a question that was asked that I would like to ask just as we come towards the end and not trying to help someone else helping someone else to recognize that the person in their lives is maybe abusing them that could be apparent it could be a sibling it could be a friend it could be their partner whatever how you do that I don't think there's a right or a wrong way but what I will say is things to avoid trying to foreign to push them too much we can ask them questions like well if someone treated me like that would you be okay with it or you know what someone were to tell someone else that sort of thing do you think that would sound fair I mean we can do little things like that to invite people to think about things um what we can't do is we can't try and push someone into accepting something because especially if it's a long-term relationship um a lifelong thing um you know 10 20 years whatever it is it can be very difficult to try and round someone out of that because maybe it's been deeply ingrained in them it could be um it could be the relationship is completely different when they're on their own we really don't know it could be that there are children involved it could be that there is money involved there's property involved there could be a lot of things that keeps that person there that person might know as well what's going on but it is very difficult for them to articulate it they are not in that place to be able to say yes I know what do you think I should do so to help someone who is maybe being abused by someone else you do it very gently you do very tenderly you do it with as much compassion as you have because they could be hurting in ways that you just can't see they could be heard the thought of breaking away or coming away from that might cause them a lot of pain they have to just like if you've left a narcissistic relationship a difficult relationship there was a lot of things that you maybe had to navigate before you were able to leave well they're probably the same too I'm just thinking as I'm talking about this I actually made a video on this um yeah there's a video about you know how do I tell someone or how do I support someone um it's it's on one of my playlists I really should know my own channel better um if you have a look at that there'll be information enough to help you but whatever it is you do remember they may be in a different place they may be seeing something similar but still different at the same time and they're not in that place where they're ready to make a clean break they might need your help and support a lot of them they ask you they might need your help and support in being able to do that for what we cannot do unfortunately no matter how much we care about them even if we're being hurt as well unfortunately what we cannot do is we cannot tear them away from it sometimes when I do more harm than good because we don't really know what's going on there so tonight is one of them very quickly it pretty much come to the end um I hope tonight has been helpful for you again it's not necessarily quick fix these are not ideas that are going to you know fix things like that but they might help you along the path recognizing the things that prevent us from being able to move forward that part of us that is stuck in the past the part of us it is still maybe entangled somehow that need for some kind of justice that need for some kind of validation looking at the things we can do as well recognizing that we are actually grieving even though we don't really see it as grieving there is there is part of us that is grieving but we're often grieving what we would have liked to have had what we were promised what we sometimes feel as if we were cheated out of we're also grieving that part of ourselves that is maybe still stuck there I mean again talking about flashbacks and things it's sometimes it's like part of us is still there every time the distress comes up it's like yesterday's situation yesterday's threat is present today I'm right back there these ideas can help ultimately I will say what I said at the beginning working with a therapist working with a counselor again Some people prefer life coaching if that's a Direction they want to go getting some kind of support does make it easier I often feel if you think of high isolated you work in that situation not being isolated having people around you people that are going to bring out the best in you and they're going to be in your corner they're going to support you that sometimes makes our are getting unstuck that little bit easier and sometimes as I said you pay attention because sometimes we're becoming unstuck in ways we happen to even noticed because we are listening to the music that they didn't like we are eating the food that they disapproved of you know just pay attention to those little things and each and every little thing is a victory so everybody just gonna have a little look at some of the questions Mt you found it very helpful that's great I'm so glad you did Alvaro thank you your videos helped me a lot that's good I'm good the biggest problem with good Cyclones by the time I find them they already become you doing don't need you clients believe me it's not that I don't need new clients it's just that I'm full at capacity and this is the thing about my practice I work in private practice and there's only one of me there's only so many people I can see on me um you want to find a good therapist there's a lot of places and a lot of directories online a lot of therapists and they have little bios and they talk about what they specialize in sort of issues they work with um read those because you'll get an idea of whether or not they can help a lot of therapists myself included um I have no problem with maybe like a 10 or a 15 minute phone call to arrange that just so that you can have a chat to see if if it's the sort of person you feel comfortable working with because um you know I'm a big believer in Carl Rogers he believed the therapeutic process most of the work is done in the relationship between the therapist and the client so as often as I can if a client wants it I have no issue with the client talking to me for about 10 or 15 minutes over the phone because they will get an idea if they think I would be a good fit for them if they think I would be able to help them I don't feel offended if if they would prefer someone else I mean I I take no offense to that it's their process it's important they get the help they need so there's a lot of directories online that do advertise therapists and as I say they have different little bios what they specialize in they have a picture of them and so on some people will video up they introduce themselves have a look at them and if if they're available if they allow you to do it you know give them a call have a chat or book some kind of a consultation and you'll get an idea of whether or not they'll be able to help you okay and thank you story sounds familiar even and Thrive you know um got three cars in my apartment thank you for the insights some reactions as grief is keep one stock rather than unnaimable invisible team that is um that is a really good way of putting it sometimes we're stuck it feels like an invisible unbreakable Gene we're stuck and we don't know why remember our brains don't like things that don't make sense that's why we that's why we analyze things that's why we keep going off um keep going over the same things again and again we wonder what they're doing now what are they up to now what are they saying to the other person about me now our brains just keep going over it and it feels like we're stuck The Grieving part as well it's stuck and grieving is not just feeling sad as I said there's a lot of different parts of the green there's a lot of different things going on there's einder there's gelt there's depression there's denial there's a lot of different stuff going on yeah being able to name it I think is a good place to be able to start once you have a name for it you have a good idea what you're working with you have a good idea as well as what might be useful to help you if you think of I think it was about a month or so ago I did a live stream I talked about three questions to help people get on stock the first one is can I change it there's some things we can't change we can't change the past we can't change other people so we look at what we can't change can we change our approach can we change the direction we're going can we change how we respond there's a lot of different things we can look at when it comes to change what will it look like what will we do with it even if we have it what would be different what would be better the second one is can I accept it remember what I said a moment ago accepting something doesn't mean we're okay with it no stretch of the imagination doesn't mean we're okay with it we're acknowledging it is what it is they are what they are they're not for changing or whatever that happens to look like and the third question is can I let it go which can be one of the most difficult things we'll ever do but it can also be one of the most liberating because letting go of something doesn't mean it doesn't hurt it doesn't mean it didn't happen it doesn't mean any of those things it doesn't mean it's not important sometimes when we're deciding or choosing to try to let something go all we're saying to ourselves is this is not wisdom anymore of my damn time this is consumed far too much of me that's all we're doing we're not denying anything but when we decide to let something go maybe we've accepted it and when we've accepted it we're not free to change something those three questions are all linked if you missed the first live stream go back and have a look at that I've gone there a little bit more depth as always it's it's been it's been fun I had no idea how much I could rub it on um I do Waffle quite a bit don't I um yeah um and you'll notice tonight you can probably see me a bit clearer I've got a proper camera setup not my little webcam one so you can see all the lines in the gray um this has been fun um what I did as I put up the questions what you might like me to look at what I might do in future is I might just ask a question what would you like me to cover um whatever the consensus is and the suggestions if I get you know more people asking for one certain thing that's what I'll cover does that sign fair enough to everybody because other than that I just come up with my own ideas uh I'd like to revisit the getting stuff from Green focused on Grief and ask Behavior thank you if you want that is something I will put together in a video that I could do um I could even just take little Snippets from this and try and put them together to cover that or if I do a video I will go a little bit more in depth for you and thank you darling you're welcome Gypsy little nice to see you again tonight um good evening and yes sir no offering to me down it's all helpful DJ it's record Hound you're 40 kind um thanks for the reminder I can be defined yeah remember what I said about being defined be the villain just don't be the villain they accuse you of being do not it's the guy in The Count of Monte Cristo said I think it's a great line when you get out when you're free do not commit the crime for which you know certain descendants do not be do not become the version of you that they paint you to be be the best version of yourself sometimes that is enough to be their villain folks it's been absolutely great again I'll do this again two weeks time and I'm gonna put up a question um maybe in a week or so I'll put that up in the community tab for suggestions for topics to cover because then that will give me about a week to get an idea of what the consensus is and I will put something together okay in the meantime everybody look after yourselves take care and thanks for watching

Channel: Darren F Magee

Views: 61,797

Keywords: healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse recovery, recovery from narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse cycle, moving on from a narcissistic relationship, moving on from a toxic relationship, moving on from narcissistic abuse, moving on from a relationship, moving on from ex, letting go of toxic relationships, Darren Magee, narcissistic abuse recovery for empath, narcissistic abuse healing, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic personality disorder relationships

Id: lxWRmqwVxG0

Length: 59min 22sec (3562 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 09 2023