How To Overcome Resentment In Your Relationship

we want to talk about how to overcome resentment in your relationship now resentment it's a huge issue and we all experience it because there's there's things that happen that that we don't like and we want to we want to blame someone else for them or we want to make someone else wrong or project that onto somebody else for making us feel that way that's literally what resentment is in your relationship yeah like resentment is the fact that your partner is not the way you want them to be or the way you think they should be or their model of the world does not match your model of the world they don't think like you think they're not behaving like you think they should be Behavior so when we ask couples like what is the biggest issue initially the biggest block is resentment so if you're having problems in your relationship you don't feel like you're growing I can almost guarantee that one of you has a massive block of resentment that was me by the way in our relationship um I had a fair share of it too yeah at different points it's been different but um that when one of you is resentful the other person falls into the pattern of being defensive so that's number one identify at the moment in your relationship who is the one that has the block of resentment that they're holding on to yeah which one are you in that and then notice how defensive your partner is because resentment literally feeds defensiveness in your relationship when someone um is firing resentment and communicating from resentment they're loving from resentment the other person automatically goes into protection mode defense to try and escape the threat because the resentment feels like the threat so that's the first part um and and when you replay that pattern over and over again you're both keeping each other stuck yes in that place no one can move forward no one can grow your relationship can't move to another level where you experience more love and connection because you're stuck in that that belief system yeah and that that pattern which you keep replying and that resentment is like the third stage um before you give up so if you're feeling resentment it's not just like a little bit of resentment it would have started out as like a bit of irritation or frustration [Music] um after the honeymoon period you would have got to that place annoys me how he does that he used to find it funny now it's just really annoying um so you'll have that irritation that's how your resentment would have started then because you didn't communicate it you didn't bring it to the table you kept suppressing it and pushing it down and saying I'm fine it's fine and just like um killing them with silent treatment yeah and you know all the other things like stonewalling silent treatment being cold edgy closing you know there's so many ways that we punish our partners when we don't want to deal with what's really there um so once you're you're at the um resentment stage this is the stage where it is make or break and we have been there so many times and this is where couples often are when they come and work with us they're at resentment so they they're heading towards feeling like they need to give up and the only way that they can move forward is by removing this block of resentment and the number one thing you need to do to remove that block of resentment is to forgive because resentment is literally all it is is holding on to all the past mistakes all the past heard all of the past problems and just repeating them over and over and over again in your nervous system in your mind it becomes a story and you then label your partner as that resentment yeah so you know you're not your mistakes your partner is not their mistakes but when you're holding on to resentment you make them their mistakes you literally defy find them by those moments that you're holding the resentment and the bitterness towards them and they can't become anything else and we experience this in our relationship when I was holding on to the resentment and I was constantly bringing up all of the past I you know and I'd been hurt like definitely validate that how you feel matters like forgiveness has nothing to do with um like condoning the behavior it's not saying that forgiveness never means it's okay for you to treat me badly that is not what forgiveness means forgiveness means you treated me badly and I'm gonna feel that and acknowledge that but I'm no longer going to continue to hurt myself and hold myself in a prison of Pain by holding on to what you did to me you have to cut chords and cut off from that pain so that you no longer feel that pain so that you can actually have peace yeah so when I was forgiving Adam when I had so much resentment like I could spend a whole YouTube video on everything that I had stacked up over the years and of resentment and I'd suppress down you know so many things like when Adam had lied to me when he'd lost money when um he he wasn't reliable he wasn't there for me with the kids you know there was so many times and I can now say that with like less um emotional charge because I've actually felt the emotions of it I validated validated how I felt I felt it we've had tough conversations about it and Adam now knows what I am and am not available for um but I can let it go I don't have to hold on to it anymore and I choose not to hold on to it I choose to forgive because I don't want it to continue to repeat and I know that if I hold Adam in the past and I hold him captive to all of his mistakes and I keep putting it like like pulling him down to the lowest version of himself then that's all he'll ever be and then I will resent him for the rest of my life because he will continue to do those things over and over again so I actually have the power you hold the power if your partner is doing things that upset you that hurt you that create the resentment you hold the power to end the resentment you have to acknowledge like I did that I was choosing to feel resentful I was choosing to feel stressed I was choosing to feel frustrated and I then decided I wanted to cut off from that um and I wanted to feel more pleasure more find more joy and I wanted to tap into the possibilities of our relationship and that meant letting go of the past and not living in the past anymore so that's the first thing you need to do if you are feeling resentful you need to acknowledge that you're holding on to the past that your partner cannot grow that they cannot be better if you're constantly pulling them down to the lowest version of themselves and you're not willing to forgive like forgiveness is the doorway yeah that opens up for more opportunities and I had to face it I'm not perfect you're not perfect like I was making I was making mistakes in the relationship as well yep Adam had a whole heap of resentment at a different stage that he needed to let go of um and it was the same for you you know absolutely and there's two parts to this forgiveness too there's yourself you've got to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to feel that way yes and and for anything that you've played a part in because obviously the relationship takes two of you but you've played a part in that resentment that's that's been building up inside yourself so you've got to forgive yourself and then you've got to forgive your partner yeah so it's a two-step process and that's I love how you mention that because it's so beautiful relationships are such a mirror so every time I was feeling resentment to meant to part of that that I was like I resented that I allowed myself to be in that position or I resented that I didn't stand up for myself or I didn't speak my truth and that would be the same for Adam he resented that he wasn't being the best version of himself that he wasn't being reliable but there was some truth in what I was bringing and he resented that and so when you turn the mirror back on yourself you realize okay I actually your partner is never your enemy the part your your husband your wife they're never the enemy yeah you know and we look at each other like we are the enemies when we don't have this awareness and we don't have these tools but you're getting lost on the surface your partner is never the enemy we are our own worst enemies yeah so when you're looking at your partner and you're like firing the resentment at them and you're blaming them if you really want to move forward you really want to grow the the fastest way to do that is to forgive them to forgive yourself and turn that back on yourself realize that wow I'm My Own Worst Enemy I'm the one in my own way right now I'm the one keeping myself stuck because if you if the only way you can ever be happy in your relationship or life is because your partner does X Y and Z or that your partner is who you want them to be um and by the way if you're doing this in your relationship you'll be doing it everywhere because how you do one thing is how you do everything so you'll be doing with your kids with co-workers with staff with clients if you are literally saying that the only way you can be happy and not experience resentment is if every single person in your life behaves how you think they should behave then you are always going to experience resentment you are always going to come up against problems because that's not how life works we don't get what we want in life by telling everybody to be what we want we get it by being that we get what we want by being what we want yeah because we get who we are yeah so and also quite often in a relationship those things that trigger you or bring up that emotion that make you want to resent your partner not always but quite often that's a perfect opportunity to to look at yourself as a use that as a mirror to go why is that making me feel that way because usually that's an opportunity for growth yeah there's something in that there's a lesson that you need to learn to help yourself to move move forward yeah to your next step of your your own growth because no one can ever make you feel something that you don't already feel in yourself so when I was resentful towards Adam I had to face myself and take Adam out of the equation and I realized I still felt resentful even when I took him out of the equation I was the one that felt resentment inside of me and I would feel that even when he wasn't there so I had to realize I was holding on to the past I was living into the past I could never change our present or even move to a better future if I continue to live in the past and that's the same for you as well you cannot grow if you're not willing to let go of the past you can't become something thing else holding on to where you are you have to make peace with where you are make peace with who your partner is forgive Let It Go and then you can move forward um there's so much more that we could share on this and we are actually doing a live relationship recharge Workshop this Saturday where we're diving deeper into resentment we're going to peel back all the layers because this is huge resentment is massive it's literally the roadblock getting in the way of all the love the passion the connection everything you want in your relationship so come and join us all the details are below um buy a ticket join us there and if you can't be live there'll be a replay so don't worry yeah and if you miss it we've got a ton of other resources to help you free stuff and also some paid programs come and join us inside one of our programs all the links for those will be down below as well and you can find out some more information and we'll see you in the next video

Channel: Aston Simmonds

Views: 27,222

Keywords: overcome resentment, resentment, resentful, forgive, forgiveness, let go, fix my relationship, save my relationship, love, self love, love yourself, self care, self worth, self discipline, relationship, relationships, married, marriage, relationship goals, marriage goals, relationship advice, marriage advice, relationship tips, marriage tips, relationship coach, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, personal growth, save my marriage

Id: LBYZBjNc6RQ

Length: 11min 28sec (688 seconds)

Published: Thu Oct 06 2022