How to QUICKLY Get Over a Breakup - TWR Podcast #67

this episode we're talking about how to quickly get over a breakup and your advice coming from the doctor is just suck it up man suck it up push through just get over it just kidding i wish you were that easy now we're gonna actually this is a very common question that gets asked uh and it is difficult to get over especially some breakups some are easier than others and and it can depend it could be easy for one person difficult for another but we get this question a lot relationships are painful and when they end even if they're not good relationships you've invested time it takes time to get over for sure so we're going to get into it we have like six or seven points we want to cover on like how to do this uh why don't we start with a quick little introduction welcome to 12-week relationships this is your place for better relationships in weeks not years my name is pai i'm dr glenn when we say relationships we do mean all of them starting with yourself working on outwards but let's be honest we've covered a lot of romantic relationships yeah because it's it's important it's a hot topic yeah i mean it's the best space for me personally i feel like for you to do the best work on yourself yeah so we're talking i guess from you know our experience in terms of like when getting into the subject of how to quickly get over a breakup most people and i would say probably 80 90 of the time people can be talking about a romantic relationship that they're breaking up from although in quite a few instances it's not unusual to experience the similar effects from a friendship being like if you're close to somebody and that relationship gets broken off it's the exact same feelings to a lesser degree oftentimes it can be worse though because if you have a long history with that person oh yeah it's like a family member sometimes for sure that's a huge loss so while we typically would receive this question in the format of like romantic relationships what we want to do in this podcast and the discussion is kind of give you a framework a process that you can apply to really any relationship yeah i mean it doesn't mean like it's easy but it just makes it easier to go through the process okay number one cocaine is a hell of a drug rick james give it to me baby right well you wrote to treat the relationship like you're breaking an addiction to a drug yeah i mean like you know any person that goes into like inpatient drug treatment you know if you ever watch that show intervention what do they do they take them away and they have to go away but now i want to yeah and then they take them away and then you have to go away for 30 days because those first 30 days are the most important because you gotta clean your body out you got to get clear reset your brain reset your body and so basically you you know with the breakup too because you may want to go back or you want to reconcile you the first 30 days you got to treat it like a drug i got to break my addiction and i just had to get myself right yeah that's a fascinating one because what do you want to do when you know when somebody cuts off a relationship with you the the feelings of withdrawal i've never used cocaine but i only know that it's similar to cocaine because we have studies that say like you know cocaine and the love drug both respond identically in the brain right absolutely the neurochemical response from love versus cocaine are very natural cocaine it's your natural cocaine so you feel that excitement that rush the energy all that kind of stuff and this happens for kind of you know every type of relationship just two different degrees but when you take it away there's that withdrawal the low energy the not feeling like doing anything the the all of it like you can even feel sick to your stomach yeah i mean the analogy here is like if i'm addicted to a drug and you're asking me to problem solve my life while on an addiction i'm going to make really bad choices for sure so similarly if you're in pain just like you're withdrawing from that relationship in that problem-solving space you're not going to make really good decisions for sure and the instinct when you're in withdrawal this is where the 30 days is critical the instinct is to use a hit to get that high again i need yes just a little bit yeah i need to go talk to that person again we need to reconnect yeah in the context of a relationship your hits are texting calling stopping by their house i just need to drive by i don't even need to like say anything i just need to drive but i just need to know that they're still there i know i left one message i'm just gonna leave another one yeah i've only left ten i don't maybe they they're not home or whatever the case it's just an email we're not talking yeah yeah i'm just liking their instagram post it's okay we're not actually like you know we're not staying in touch all of it all of it are hits addiction that's what you got to get over yeah it's hard to get our minds around that but you can if you're in it you can very much experience it on a very real level if you simply look at it like an addiction in that look at how you feel just before you act and right after you do something simple like maybe click like on their photograph or maybe just even browse their social media account as soon as you do it there's a calming effect there's like ah yeah yeah exactly and you can identify for yourself that what's happening is that you're you're feeding an addiction it's not this is not healthy and you're preventing your your body your mind from actually moving beyond this yeah and similarly like what happens like with the drug you're thinking about the drug you're you're kind of shaking you're kind of all over the place you're like you know in this hurry all the time and then in a relationship when you're breaking up it looks exactly like the same thing but dr glenn what if i don't want to go cold turkey what if i want to like just ease out of it no that doesn't work that way addiction doesn't work that way you gotta if it's a good idea to talk to that person later you can do it later but do it in a clearer mind but if we're talking about alcohol and you're addicted to alcohol you have to wean yourself off it or you can literally die yeah but then that's you take what's known as an abuse right so if you have uh there's an abuse that helps you control that addiction to alcohol so if you take it then you throw it up right so similarly we're gonna be the an abuse and say do not contact we're gonna take your phone we're gonna take we're gonna be your physical interviews and say no do not use with my lesser knowledge i'm trying to stump you with weird questions and that was very nicely done i didn't know about an abuse i would have treated that a little bit differently but i like your clinical explanation i would have said this is an alcohol get over it back to the original i would just suck it up man most drugs do not cause alcohol can cause death upon withdrawal if you are extremely addicted but most drugs don't and with any drug that does not cause severe like you know i think heroin is another one of those where sometimes with extreme abuse they have to like actually bring you down yeah and lower the dosage you have to titrate down if the addiction is really really bad yeah but with most addictions it's not that way and they actually have you go cold turkey so what i would say relationships aren't nearly as extreme as any of those addictions you're not gonna die the quickest way to get over this is 30 days yeah just cold turkey just cold turkey and if you're that healthy if you want to if if what you want to do is a good idea just give it 30 days it'll still be a good idea make it a challenge yeah make it a challenge be like i'm gonna see i'm gonna not only go 30 days i want to see exactly when in those 30 days i'm like over it exactly you might not be over it or at least acknowledge like okay i know i'm not in a healthy space if i'm i got to see this person dude can you own you're not in a healthy space yeah you cannot problem solve in this space well the next piece that i wanted to say is that the 30 days isn't so that you get over the relationship it's not it's not so that you uh you're done healing and you're ready to move on the 30 days is simply so that your body it's no longer in that addicted state right it can normalize right so like that's it's critical with drugs but that first 30 days to get normal to get clear and then when you're treating yourself you're in a healthier state to address issues and that's all we're saying use 30 days to get yourself into a healthier state okay so step one treat this like a drug addiction step two detox no contact whatsoever for 30 days 30 days and you let that per even if they text you let them know i'm gonna take a break for a month let's revisit this in a month we can talk after a month and if they don't respect that if they're the ones that are reaching out to you you have to realize that you know it doesn't matter whether maybe i'm not reaching out and i'm i still need my 30 days right um or i still need my time to kind of process and just get over this thing if you text me if you reach out if you call it resets my timetable too so it's kind of a very if you think about it from this standpoint it's a very unkind thing to do for on your part like it's very inconsiderate for you just to reach out to me and to continue when i want to get over this thing right you're not valuing or treating me with respect in which case i'm going to set up higher and higher borders like i'm going to start i don't need a boundary in this instance i literally need a wall like look my boundary was we're done and if you can't respect that and give me time that's the boundary the next step is i'm going to block you yeah because if i'm stalking you or i'm you know i'm constantly pursuing you that's a sign that i'm definitely not in a good space no no and this is the time for you to focus on you it's about you boo right like focus on yourself focus on what you're doing your well-being instead of trying to make something work when it's clearly done then there's the forbidden question during this phase of breaking up but you know what i'm gonna say how do i get them back yeah and then the question so so once or or it'll be like i they just need to know this if they just know this then i think we could work this out and it's like no like this is all addiction man like just just chill out yeah chill out if it's a good idea now it'll be a good idea later that's the the big thing right how do i get them back the answer to that is let them go work on yourself if it's a good thing and a good idea it'll come back if not it's going to go its natural way but that'll move forward it's not about oh she broke up with me i just need to try harder no the time for that is over but at least at least if you can't even do that if you're not healthy enough to do that in this wounded chaotic state it's not gonna i'm not gonna get this person back no you're just gonna hurt my chances more desperate yeah so in the least if my goal is to get this person back at least i gotta get myself in a much better space to deal with this to try to work this out and and here's the flip side of this too is if you struggle with step one and step two of this if you're constantly asking like how do i get them back and what do i need to do and all this kind of stuff then i'm gonna say something i wish my father would have told me which is why are you chasing somebody that doesn't want you why are you because this would indicate trauma a lack of security a lack of confidence a lack of self-respect because why would you be going after somebody who has made it clear that they don't want to be with you no i agree and that's really good advice but i think at this like addiction stage i don't think people want to hear that because they don't want to hear it because they're they're just trying to they're just like ah right so like it's just like just get you clear first so that they can hear that good advice but this is why i'm a coach and not a psychotherapist because i tell people what they don't want to hear what they need to hear that human cocaine is so addicting it's a hell of a drama it's very true that when they're in that place like but i i have used that in many instances where someone's in that place of like pining and and i just ask in a very simple way why are you chasing somebody that has made it clear that they don't want to be with you and they say because they don't get it they and i and i the way that i rephrase this to make it stick is just what would you tell your children if they were doing the same thing that's what makes it click for them as they're like oh yeah i wouldn't want my child to like chase somebody that doesn't want them and i go okay can you give yourself the same advice can you love yourself enough to do the same thing and then they usually that's pretty lovely i'm around a little bit more that's really lovely i try not to be like a dick you know like when i'm talking to somebody directly just with you now i appreciate i've noticed that man i get the special treatment yeah yeah yeah okay number three um put away any reminders of the relationship right yeah like put photos away clear things out and then oftentimes people will like go down memory lane and look at the photos and like oh i remember this time do not do that just put everything away yeah just be very deliberate and just clean everything clear everything out and just box it and just move on so don't don't use this time to reflect once again the 30 days is just about getting queer taking immediate action and just getting yourself in a better space yeah we have to think of those things as hits too right yeah i mean if if we go back to we started with treat this like a drug addiction if we go back to that i mean what we're saying is don't reach out to your drug dealer whoever that was now it's you know what's crazy dude this is just completely off topic and and but not completely but it's a different type but briefly 20 years ago you would be arrested if you went and bought marijuana from somebody on the street right it was illegal to sell it it was illegal to buy it everything 20 years ago yes not even 20 years ago it's like 10 years ago not long ago but when we were growing up this was so forbidden and now post mates there is a version of postmates every drug for for not every drug but for weed weed maps where you can order it and have it delivered straight to your home and then there's edible versions you can eat it it's expanding that that blows my mind that 20 years ago this could have been one thing and be so taboo and and now we're here but anyway i thought of this because the the ways that we'll be looking for drug dealers in the future is very different i thought the analogy i was like where are you going with this analogy are we gonna are we gonna open like relationship cannabis stores like i don't feel like where is this going there was literally no no tie to our conversation whatsoever i just thought about you know uh with the analogy of like don't go looking for your drug dealer and then i was like let's go on a tangent okay but don't go looking for your drug dealer and in this case that would be equivalent to going and actually trying to meet up with your ex right don't go looking for another hit and this would be maybe using your leftover stash whatever you got left in the house you know that kind of stuff that would be equivalent to like going onto instagram sending text messages emailing you know trying to these these ways that we think are less sinister but it's really the same thing and the other is like put away anything that reminds you of that and what would be said in like any sort of a type program is you need to disconnect yourself from the friends from the people that would put you in that place right and this is the same thing disconnecting yourself from the memorabilia from the photographs from everything that puts you in that place and it sounds cold like oh you're asking me to close this chapter no you can re revisit it later but just not right now yeah we're not saying delete and burn at all yeah yeah we're just saying put things away now put it away for now and and you know let let there be a little bit of time and then wait 10 years when there's a dispensary a love dispensary that postmates will deliver on a love dispensary yeah yeah yeah i'm trying to bring it back i was thinking about the burning scenario i mean if it's a really bad breakup like there can be a little bit of like catharticness and burning everything yeah there's closure that whole thing it's a beautiful thing yeah it is beautiful just don't burn your house down no do safely do it yeah burn safely yeah i do yeah burning can be nice but you know if it's a good relationship it's something that you valued but it's over save it it's a chapter your life but you don't need to look at it for a while yeah i agree okay number four you just go back to the basics of good health so exercise eat well reclaim your independence do things that you did before the relationship just start taking good care of yourself can i add to this yeah is this not cliche that when people go through breakups suddenly you start noticing that they get fit again what's really funny is that this is one of the characteristics among the 500 case studies that i was going through i was able to start identifying people that were having relationship troubles by one person starting to get really fit in the relationship is that not unusual that's that's a good point because they're motivated again because they're kind of like they're they're piecing things together figuring out what they value getting things on you know straight and usually what happens is they start getting in shape they're doing good and you see the other person stagnant and it goes that way for a few years you know however long it might be it could be months it could be years and then suddenly three years four years down the road we're getting divorced and i'm like judas priest it's it's recognizable in every one of these instances and then you have people that break up from from a relationship and they just start getting in shape because they want to go and look for the next person right so what i want to add to this is that taking care of yourself is great and it is step number four but how about you make it a priority and make it a lifestyle this time anyway like just do it and continue it agree don't stop the next time you get into a relationship like bring it back and keep it no i agree but i mean what about the people that do live a healthy lifestyle but then the breakup is hurting and then they go to like they want to drink or they want to overeat like i think just really go back to your routine of hell for sure and just focus on that and make sure that you're taking good care of yourself for sure in that instance for sure i i guess i'm speaking more to the people that it's like they're fit and healthy outside of relationships and unhealthy inside of them and it's like this time just stay but yeah if you feel the inclination to go and drink and to go and like go off the rails this is one of the most difficult things because eating is it's in the moment it's so comforting like people say like you know it doesn't talk back to you it's like a hug inside it's just like a warm hug and yeah it tastes good until you take too much of it and you start feeling too much of it you're like and it's not like a warm hug anymore no it's not it's like it's warm something else that is going to come out both sides yeah thanks for that visual man i'm trying to like you know like say what it is but without saying it type thing it's playing into like trans dude tick-tock trends well it just seems like you're playing out the the dispensary thing like you do postmates you overeat it comes out both ends right like that's where this is going but it's very easy to use food as therapy yeah and uh that's the oh my gosh i like there are a few things that are less more sinister than that because it's so it's so easy to do it's feels good in the moment but it almost immediately after you feel worse you're damaging yourself long-term it is not any form of self-love in the least you get lethargic you get tired and it takes you further away from what you want to do which is create a healthy lifestyle and find a healthy partner and and healthier relationships and every one of those things so get back to the basics of good health and stay there this time yeah because you're going to another addiction like whether eating or drinking you're just feeding another addiction so yeah please take good care of yourself okay yes you're gonna have to go with this one you wrote this follow the rule of three or the big one so they've done studies on this so for example like when a person's in a drug treatment facility like i don't know if you notice but it's far away it's always in the mountains i have noticed that i was wondering and then they drive you away and then they take you forward because i was like my my thinking was like dude like it should just be close and convenient in the city you know i was wondering that yeah but the the mentality behind that is that once they take you away from your environment and you're in a new environment it automatically shifts your brain and it forces you out of that addictive state because you're almost like it forces you to wake up a little bit right so the premise of that that's why they take you they make it feels like you're getting away from your life you're going away from your circumstances and then there's like that fear that takes place in the day oh my god what's going on so automatically they're already out of that they're starting to break that addiction state right so similarly in relationships you know if you go to like a new restaurant three different restaurants or you try new activity within your city or you go on a weekend getaway it's mimicking that same approach or it's forcing your brain to like oh this is something's different something different is happening oh my god gotta adjust and then you're automatically breaking that addictive state to that relationship i like that one of the things that i would add to that from just kind of this isn't from uh this is something i recommend clinically but it's something that's more supported anecdotally just for my own personal experiences is when you're when you're going through something difficult challenging it could be a breakup it could be really anything i find not only new activities but ones where they don't permit you to think of anything else very beneficial uh examples of that could be like i mean there's extreme examples like i used to race cars and when you're racing a car on a on a track you can literally think of nothing else because you're deaf a less extreme version of this but very similar for me is like jiu-jitsu right because when you're on the mat and you're rolling with somebody again you're thinking of staying alive not not getting caught not not being choked i guess all might have to do with not dying but but anyway anything that you can do where you can get into that focused state of mind where you can get into what what people would often say is like the zone to me is incredibly beneficial in moments like this or anything else of like turmoil because it it allows for the and i you could probably think of articles and research that back this up but for me what it feels like is if i don't do something that's at that level i can't disconnect my brain from thinking down that line so like what happens is if i were to go through a breakup and just go on a drive and go on a road trip right regardless of who i'm with i'm going to be thinking about it the whole time because the activity of the drive and getting there and flying there wherever it is i can still process stuff so i can't disconnect the thought process long enough to like but then if i go do something that's highly engaging doesn't permit me to think about anything for 30 minutes an hour two hours then i can interrupt that process and be able to like when i get out of it i go okay i have better control now no for sure but you know using that example taking it further let's say like the breakup was really bad for you and then if you go to the same gym in the city you might still think about that relationship oh yeah especially if you went there together yeah for exactly right so then in this approach it would be like okay what about the weekend you drive you know to san francisco and then train over there so now you're in a new environment new people new experiences right so you're doing something that you enjoy now you're following that that whole premise of addiction because now it's like i gotta really focus i don't know anybody here it's a different environment i've never trained with these people before so now you're already breaking that addiction from that relationship bro you just leveled up my thought you just took it and you just leveled it up i appreciate that is there actually research and studies on that like in terms of focus states and and and its ability to kind of help the mind disconnect from certain things yeah like you know they talk about like peak states you know like with nlp so like you know there's a lot of things that you can do to break pain states so you know like the traditional approach is like you got to stay in your pain and then work your way out there's actually things that you can there's like quick responses where you can just break that state and say okay i'm not going to go there and start rewiring and start making better choices and this is an example right so going to san francisco doing you're automatically like breaking all the wheat the using that weekend to just suffer and i i miss this now you're like nope i'm training i'm doing this you're already in a different state some of these things are so difficult to study practically like i think of what would you do we're going to get 50 couples you're all going to break up on the same day and then half of you are going to go and walk for your exercise and the other half are going to do high intensity strength training we'll see how you all fare no that's true i mean that's pretty accurate it's difficult to listen it's pretty accurate like they'll be like okay so you know but it's nicer they'll be like okay so you just do what do you normally do you're gonna stay home just just think about it at home and this group hey take a trip over here man like if you're lucky you're probably in this group right unfortunately the control group we're literally gonna tell them to do the worst possible thing just make sure you're okay just make sure you're okay though all right don't surround yourself with anything you could hurt yourself with yeah but just stay in your house this is for science okay just think about this for science all right so yeah the poor control group okay yeah number six so oh i love this one dude everybody talks about well i need closure yeah no you don't closure does not involve the other person it just involves having closure with yourself that's the big thing is that closure always everybody thinks that closure involves the other person it doesn't that's so weird though why do we think that why do we why can't we get our heads around that so go so going back to the addiction component right once your body feels like you need an external thing then your pleasure sensors will turn on because it gives you a boost of energy in your brain so pleasure sensor is like when you eat cake dopamine oh it feels so good it's pleasure the dopamine kicks in i really enjoy this but like when you're in a pain state or you're in a survival state the pleasure senses in your brain will turn on because like oh i need this in order to survive right yeah so if you tell yourself i gotta see pie and i gotta tell them i feel so we have closure and i keep telling my my mind and body this then the body's gonna shoot pleasure sensors into me to try to get to you so that i can have that closure because that's what i believe right yeah and it just keeps feeding that's where like that i gotta check the i gotta call you i gotta do this i gotta leave messages i gotta email you that's the pleasure center trying to get it solved in that way one way that i feel like you can yes closure is you not the other person it's you in every single instance but the way that i feel like this gets across best to people in terms of like playing it out is this analogy so let's say that you're seeking closure because you don't know what i want you to say so you're the one that's seeking closure we just broke up and you're coming back to me looking for closure and we're sitting here having coffee because oh we're going to play this we're going to play this out okay let me get to my method what i want to demonstrate is how is anything that i'm about to say going to help you gain closure so we're going to play it out in a few different ways okay all right cool number one sipping my coffee what's up why did you want to meet glenn hey thanks for meeting with me man yeah yeah just tell me what's going on i just realized something right like it just came to me man i think that you're not understanding something and i feel like if you understand this then it's going to make everything better tell me what is it yeah so i think that you know you mentioned about like my temper and i get angry and that you know i was kind of blaming you for it and i realized no it is me and i'm going to work on it and i think you just needed validation for that so i'm going to let you know that and so i think we're good to go now yeah you should work on that for sure i don't want to be with you at all you're just upset i think that you're just upset glenn i'm gonna go you literally are a piece of [ __ ] i'm done see now you're taking the anger that i took to you and it's coming back to me bye don't reach out to me again okay now let's play it version two do it again what's wrong oh you're gonna okay so pi i was thinking about it right i was really thinking about it i know i have anger issues you brought it up i wasn't taking ownership so i feel like if i take ownership for it we can work this out that is important you should take ownership but it goes far beyond that stuff and i appreciate this but i don't want to get back together with you at all i think you're just upset no actually i'm i'm not upset at all like i want you i wish you the best um and i don't mind meeting with you this once but i don't want to talk again for a while like maybe down the road we can be friends and stuff but but i just need time and and so that's it if we're done we're done and i'm gonna go now but what can i do nothing no i disagree i think deep down i i think like you're just not hearing and you're not realizing you know what's happening no that's why this is over because you're not listening and you're not seeing what's happening but again maybe we can be friends down the road glenn but don't call me again for a while what could have happened version three oh there's a third version no let's do it again all right i'm i guess what i'm i just want to do version 32 version three [Music] i like rejecting you yeah like i'm feeling the pain on my damn i'm getting desperate i'm like okay what can i do to get you back you know but anyway okay here's version three all right we sit down i set my coffee i feel like i'm done peace you're like don't ever talk to me ever again i literally just came to get my coffee now i'm gonna go to different coffee shop because you're here too so bye how can you just do that man because i'm an [ __ ] and uh wish you the best peace can you at least buy me coffee matt no come on man buy your own damn coffee at least a scone no paid for all your [ __ ] while we were together you aren't doing anymore you're a cold-blooded man i sure am peace out [ __ ] vampire [ __ ] man okay what i'm trying to illustrate other than just having some fun is that what could i possibly say that would make things better for you i mean though that's actually a healthy thing that you did because the alternative is if you feed into it and you're like yeah i know i could see that and and then we start exploring we're just going back to the place of like there'll be a temporary satisfaction like okay there's a relief but it's just going to go back to the same [ __ ] unfortunately that can often happen because a person doesn't have boundaries they they feel the withdrawal too and they might give in right that that does happen but in in i think in many cases as well someone breaks that off and they do have a boundary like i don't want to get back together with you like i still care for you as a person i'll meet to have coffee or i'll call you on the phone or all whatever you you know you want to get closure okay they'll permit that right even though they're not going to get back together with you but my question is what does any of it do for you well that's what i'm saying so like for me the pleasure center the addiction to constantly chase you because i'm telling myself that you are the key to have closure once i make the decision and like no you're not the reason right and then this sounds harsh um but i the feeling that i'm feeling is the reason this didn't work out everything that i'm feeling the chaos the anger the desperation i have to own this is why this relationship didn't work out and i have to sit with it and sort through that that is closure for me correct and what i'm illustrating is that anything you you get the hit of seeing me again fine but anything that i say right now is only going to further damage you it's just feeding the addiction oh there's a glimmer of hope oh we chatted for an hour okay cool i'm gonna try this again well there's that side of it but like i'm not even talking about that side i'm talking about we sit down and you're hoping for closure right and i'm calling you an [ __ ] and i'm saying that i don't want this i'm saying that i don't want to be with you i'm saying things like what i'm saying is that you got your hit you get your chance for closure it's not actually going to give you closure what it is going to give you is a whole bunch more insecurities and things to think about because uh just as likely as me thinking about it i might be even more likely to just go off on you start spelling out all the things all the [ __ ] that you did all the stuff that made you a bad person what i why i think you're you're not a bad person but i'm going to say why you're a bad person and you're going to walk away not only not having closure but then processing every negative thing that i said no you're right and then going back to the drug analogy if it's the same thing as like hey pie can i borrow twenty dollars you see twenty dollars man and you're like no right yeah well i mean i would go to our drug analogy and say like this would be going to your drug dealer to get your hit and then him lacing your drugs with something that's incredibly toxic it's even worse than the drug because now you walk away with your hit but then you're also walking away with this toxicity that you have to like now process and and what we thought was closure ends up being so much worse yeah you're just feeding that addiction more yeah yeah anyway that was the the side of it that i was like okay i'm still i'm still processing the rejection man sorry i don't know if it was actually helpful still in shock man i'm still in shock yeah i don't know if anyone actually benefited from this i did personally because i got to say a bunch of [ __ ] to you that i really wanted to say but i'm gonna work on myself all right i'll stop calling man i'm gonna work on this you're an amazing guy uh but again just illustrating closure is inside it's you don't need anybody to help you with that other than you you are your own closure last piece is to be dialectical that's what i was doing to you yeah in our in our fake breakups yeah dialectical means that two three four five things can be true all at the same time so we're breaking up it's painful and it hurts at the same time it's good that we're able to move on right so it's just it's just putting things in perspective instead of all or nothing like we either stay together or my life sucks it's this hurts it sucks but we can move on and we can make this better for ourselves and if it's being dialectical is very important on both sides of it but especially on the side of if you are reaching out to me it's the exact things that i was saying to you look i want you to move on be happy but i don't want to get back together you're not listening no you're not listening i'm done yeah is there anything important that you want to say and then literally like closing it off i wish you the best but this isn't good for us walking away i care about you but this isn't right yeah and it sounds once again it sounds harsh but you're doing me the ultimate favor because you're just being short you're making it clear so then you're killing you're diminishing any hope so i have to really work on myself yeah and the flip side of being dialectical is is a very interesting one because i'm sure everyone can think of examples i can think of multiple examples from my personal life as well as from our case studies where in the process of a breakup suddenly one person kind of re-evaluates the entire relationship in a negative light everything that was once good is now bad have you seen that it's it's very common in a sense of like at least for me i feel like people will walk away and go they were happy in the relationship and then they step away they go i never wanted this you were so toxic and so i can't even believe this this is abusive this was all these different things and they forget all the good things that happen the relationship they forget that the other person is a good person they forget everything and now you're the enemy and what was just i think this is one of the things that's most difficult to process to be honest because what it does is it puts you in the mindset of however much time you just spent with that person was a complete waste i see what you're saying like are you saying like you know you see them as an enemy to try to get over the breakup is that where you're kind of going with that they could use it to get over the breakup it could be that but it's it's more so the the goggles get shifted they get tainted to this negative set of goggles where now they see the whole thing as something toxic negative everything and it goes back to being dialectical which is multiple things can be true at once there can be good times and there can also be bad times this can be a relationship that wasn't ideal for us and yet we still grew from it right when when you put things into one box which i think when people are angry with each other they have a tendency to do that they put the the relationship into a singular box you you end up with well i guess that was just a waste of time why did i do that that was a complete waste of my life but it wasn't and so it's difficult to process that type of relationship it's difficult to especially for the other person too because oftentimes in the breakup process that person can then like it would be me just going off on you and saying how big of a piece of [ __ ] you are and all these things and you're the most terrible person you're not you're a good guy there were a few things that were that went wrong in the relationship ultimately we're just not compatible for each other but now i make it even more difficult for you because it's like well i don't want you to think i'm a bad person i don't feel like that was you know i i i know that this wasn't right but at the same time i appreciate the time that i had with you and and and you're stuck now hurting because it's like you you still want to be friends at some point in the future but that's now out of the picture and it makes it even more difficult am i am i the [ __ ] is this all my fault so it makes it difficult on your side and then on my side it makes it difficult for me to get over because i have so much anger and resentment that i'm manufacturing that it constantly stays in my mind yeah and i feel like on both sides like you know you mentioned being dialectical like dialectical in the sense that we're not where we were before we're not where we're going to be we're in this middle phase and this is like the most painful phase right because it's scary you're unsure you're processing you're mourning you're trying to move forward and that's why like it's okay and this is you're seeing all perspectives but you're moving toward getting better for sure yeah so to me dialectical means again avoiding binary thoughts like this was all bad it's not either all bad or all good oh good i wasted my my life correct you can't do that you know and it makes it difficult for both sides to to process and get over and people will still like have like people will be the one to break up and still not be over it years later because they are so stuck in their anger and resentment towards something in some cases that anger resentment is completely justified in other cases it's manufactured because they're just this wasn't right and they had to manufacture this so they could get over but they haven't gotten over it yeah and then just seeing everything in that limited lens it's affecting their present life too yeah their present relationships are not working out so yeah it's not good awesome you got anything else to add i think that's it i'm not breaking up with you i this is uh see now you're just now you're just doing like this this mind game thing man i'm confused i'm bringing the chaos bro bringing the cannabis man i need to smoke some weed now we're at a low now let's go back to our house let's do it let's keep going we hope you all enjoyed the episode if you did there's a few things we'd love for you to do um all of these examples are completely free honestly it'd be a huge help to us if you all jump onto itunes and leave the podcast a review document always says 5 star review please five stars yes please write something we actually read every single one of them yeah the comments are really nice they're really cool yeah and uh hey if you're watching this on youtube give the video a like subscribe to the channel we'd love to see you back here and in the meantime though we have an incredible newsletter we're currently sending out newsletters once a week these are handwritten messages that come from me and dr glenn from our clinical work observations everything they're just tips and insights that will help you in all of your relationships throughout the day i want to say throughout the week but no it comes once a week but it will help you immediately just stuff for better relationships and we also will notify you so if you're interested in enrollment for group coaching we will notify everybody through the newsletter when group coaching is available we're currently in a program right now we'll have another one we it's a quarterly program basically and we also have a waitlist that people can join if they want one-on-one coaching with dr glenn i think that's it yeah i think that's it okay so meantime though you guys can comment on these videos especially on youtube comment below and let us know what topics you guys would like to hear about what you thought about this video we get a lot of ideas from the things that you guys share with us and you can also do that just by 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Channel: 12 Week Relationships Podcast

Views: 300,779

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Id: yYa7ppvMbos

Length: 42min 33sec (2553 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 09 2022