How To Get Over Resentment

you know the saying that resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies and that saying is so fitting because when we are sitting in and struggling with resentment it feels terrible but just for us because more often than not the person that we are feeling resentful towards doesn't even know that we have all this resentment and so they don't really feel anything so i want to talk today about resentment and a few ways that we can get ourselves stuck in resentment and what we can do about it because who wants to be drinking poison and feeling that terrible that often it's not always easy to just snap ourselves out of this one so i hope that the tools that i teach you today will really help with that stay tuned i think you're gonna like this one i've been using this and it's been really really helping me if you're new here welcome to our incredible little corner on the internet take a second introduce yourself in the comment section below and if you are back again make sure that you say hello in the comments section below love connecting with all of you down there also make sure you subscribe to the channel the subscription button is i think about right down there if i got that right either way my name is julia christina and i am a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and the creator of my membership community the shift society this is where we take this work deeper this is where we do this transformational stuff in community with support with tools and step by steps make sure that you do get in there the link to get on the waitlist for the shift society is in the description below and right now the only way to get in is through the wait list so make sure that you do get onto that and i help heart center go-getter men and women bring to the crab that is holding them back so they can like themselves and their lives more every day and resentment like i said this is a big one that really holds us back can really just sort of fester and simmer in there and i want you to take a minute now and i want you to think about anyone in your life that you have resentment towards if it's a boss if it's a parent if it's a partner if it's a friend who is that person and just take a minute who is it that you are harboring some resentment when you think about them that you get angry that you just all of these sort of like fiery feelings start coming up in your belly i just want you to take a minute and i want you to think about what it is that you resent them for because the truth is often what creates our resentment is when someone hasn't done or said or treated us in a way that we want them to treat us or done what we wanted them to do or said what we wanted them to say and so it's created resentment is created by unfulfilled expectations and the truth is is that often that person doesn't even know that we have those expectations of them more often than not we have these secret expectations we have these ideas of how someone is supposed to be or how someone is supposed to be towards us or they're supposed to be doing for us or around us that they might not even know about and so that's like i said before we can be feeling all of this anger and bitterness and resentment inside and that person has no idea what's happening sometimes we do communicate those expectations sometimes resentment comes after we have said something that we wanted or something that we expected or we've we've asked someone for something and then they haven't come through for that and then we have resentment because of that and now there is a difference and so being honest with ourselves there's a difference between telling someone what we want and just expecting them to do that just because we told them versus sitting down and having a conversation with someone a a deep or a honest or a yeah just an authentic conversation with someone where you've come to an agreement about some kind of change or some kind of thing that's going to happen and then that person doesn't fulfill their end of the bargain and then we feel resentful because of that now if that is happening then that is another issue that needs to be looked at at a deeper level but more often than not like i said resentment comes because we have secret expectations that people are not fulfilling or we've just told them what we wanted and we just expected them to fulfill that we've expected that what we want should be as important to them as it is to us and so then we create a lot of resentment for ourselves because of that so i want to give you an example of this i want you guys to give you an example of my own resentment that came up for me uh with my husband so if those of you who follow me on either instagram or facebook you know that just a little while ago we had a little family road trip up to the lake um and spent the week at the lake just relaxing and swimming and floating and the drive there is about a five hour drive it's a five five hour drive kind of through some windy roads and through the mountains and so it's not the easiest drive but it's not a terrible one either anyways i digress on the way home my husband was driving and because we just spent a week having fun being outside playing and you know not a care in the world my kids were feeling kind of restless being stuck in the back of the car and they were feeling kind of tired and they were feeling kind of antsy so there was a lot of there was some fighting and there was some fussing and there was some fidgeting all the all the f's and so i decided that i wanted to make sure that my husband could focus on the drive and just really just have yeah just have some quiet and and have not just crazy going on in the car the whole time and so i spent uh i would say 90 of our drive that five hour drive trying to keep kids quiet and engaged and happy and and yeah not creating all kinds of chaos so it was exhausting i was exhausted it was a full-time job managing three small children seven five and two in the back seat of a car from the front seat for almost five hours so then we got home we pulled into our driveway i looked at my husband and i said thanks so much for getting us home safely for doing such a good job driving and he looked at me and said thank you now on the surface that might seem completely reasonable to you but on the inside things started boiling things started festering all kinds of feelings started coming up and i started to feel resentful and in my head i was thinking you didn't thank me you didn't thank me for doing all that hard work for that long not even recognizing or acknowledging right and then all these thoughts start to go through our heads like oh my gosh like you're so selfish you don't value me you don't care about me and all this like really dramatic stuff that of course is not true but in the moment that's just what the human brain does and so i got myself all upset and he's fine he's just like unpacking the car and going upstairs and i'm sitting here like seething under the surface but then i had to get curious i had to get curious and say julia what are you doing right now and i think that our emotions are such a powerful tool for curiosity whenever we're feeling an intense emotion to use that as a sign as a signal to be like okay there's something going on there's something that needs to be paid attention to and i've talked about that before about learning how to respond versus react when we're feeling emotional like and responding means that we take a second and tune in and check in and learn from what we're feeling instead of just acting on what we're feeling and so i did that and i took a few deep breaths i'm like why are you feeling so resentful oh because he didn't meet my expectation my unspoken expectation about what he should have said to me to recognize the effort that i put in to getting us home safely so then i got even more curious and started to ask myself why do you need that approval from him why do you need your partner i mean it's nice of course it's nice to be recognized and it's nice to be appreciated but do i need that and what would it mean for me to give that to myself what would it mean for me to take a second and say good for me you did great that was hard and you did it and you really showed up or whatever that is and giving myself that recognition because we can do that we think that it's only other people that are available to make us feel good by recognizing us but did you know that you could also make yourself feel good by recognizing yourself giving yourself a pat on the back a gold star whatever that is i say it kind of tongue-in-cheek but i'm serious right now hearing it from yourself we so often outsource our our good feelings our sense of pride to other people waiting for other people to give that to us when we can actually give it to ourselves and so i did and i gave myself that recognition and you might not believe it until you try it but i felt good afterwards i'm like yeah that's kind of what i needed to hear i told myself what i needed to hear and my resentment went down and i realized that i was placing expectations on him about what i thought he should be doing what i thought he should be thinking and what i was making it mean that like well he obviously doesn't value me if he's not gonna recognize what i did but his head could be completely somewhere else he's happy to get home he's kind of distracted from just having driven for five hours he's focused on unpacking the car i don't know where his head is frankly none of my business what is my business is managing my own mind around it and not placing that on to him and thinking that he should know what i'm thinking which goes back to how we all have our own rule book how we often place our rules on other people and i'm going to do a whole video about the rule book so stay tuned for that because that is like a mind-blowing life-changing training in and of itself but just taking a step back and asking yourself i'm what am i doing to create my own resentment because somebody else is not acting or doing or saying what i think they should be doing or acting like or saying and is that really their fault or is this my expectation to manage what am i expecting and is it actually their job to fulfill that expectation and now some of you might say yes it's that person's job to fulfill my expectation to read my mind to know what i need and to meet those needs and maybe that is true maybe you do think that but i just wanted to take a second i want you to flip that for a minute and i just want you to think about how you would feel if someone thought of you that it's your job to meet their needs fulfill their expectation know what they need and try to make them happy how would you feel if someone else thought that that was your role in life that was your job in life is to be doing all those things for them and i think that this is an important thing that we think about because so often we put expectations on other people and think other people have to fulfill our expectations but then if someone else puts an expectation on us we're like how dare you that's not my responsibility that's not what i put on this planet to make you happy to do whatever you want and so thinking about that a little bit taking more responsibility for our own expectations taking more responsibility for our own needs instead of outsourcing our happiness to other people when they are not even in here and know exactly what that is that we need for our happiness we know what we need for our happiness we are allowed to fulfill that we are allowed to meet our own darn needs and often it goes a lot better join us in the shift society get on the wait list if learning how to just take a sec like i talked about there that skill of noticing the feelings and the resentment bubbling up that skill of being able to recognize it before barking out something before like clapping at him in some way my ability to do that that did not happen on its own and if you can't do that yet do not worry that has taken a lot of practice and it's taken learning a lot of different tools and having support and practice and yeah just really working that out um through a lot of what i teach in the shift society so make sure you get in there but if just to start you off learning how to just take a step back and take a breath before doing or saying something just getting curious about what's going through your mind that's creating all of the emotional distress get my 10 minute guided mindfulness exercise that's going to be a good starting point for you it is free you can get that in the description below what connected with you what about this resentment stuff connected with you and maybe some of you are hanging on to resentment from deeper stuff from deeper pains or traumas that happened in your childhood or in the past in some capacity even as an adult so sometimes there is more going on in there but really looking at that really looking at that resentment and really looking at whether or not keeping it is helpful is healthy is healing so glad you're here let me know what connected with you like the video share it out if you thought more people need to hear this and until next time take good care

Channel: Julia Kristina Counselling

Views: 30,740

Rating: 4.8963046 out of 5

Keywords: resentment, let go of resentment, how to let go of resentment, stop feeling resentful, get past resentment, how to get past resentment, bitterness and anger, anger management, stop feeling angry and bitter, resentment and anger, build emotional intelligence, julia kristina resentment, julia kristina counselling, get unstuck, how to have better relationships, holding grudges, stop holding a grudge, get over resentment

Id: 2emOd-I5uc0

Length: 14min 42sec (882 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 05 2020