DO YOU FEEL RESENTMENT TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER? + How to FIX it | Mindful Motherhood

hi guys welcome back to another mindful motherhood video today i want to talk about resentment especially towards your partner since becoming parents this is something that so many of us experience and it's not really talked about because it's seen as a negative emotion and something to be ashamed of no one wants to be seen as being resentful but we all feel resentment every so often so it's important to know how to deal with it and to not let it become a problem so in this video i'm going to talk a little bit about it from my perspective and also give you a few tips on how i stop it building up in my relationship if you're new to my channel hello and welcome i do these mindful motherhood videos quite regularly so there's a playlist with quite a few videos that you might enjoy as well i'll leave it linked in the description box below please make sure you subscribe so that you know when my next video is out and give this video a like if you enjoy it now let's get straight into the video [Music] so let's start with what is resentment i read a quote that said resentment is just an unmet expectation and i thought it was spot on it can come as a surprise to some couples when they become parents i've never seen myself as a resentful person so it really shocked me when i caught myself having these feelings of resentment towards my partner especially in the early days of having a baby and him going off to work i actually caught myself feeling jealous of my husband's two-hour commute into london and i felt jealous that he got to speak to other people about something else other than baby poo so those feelings were definitely feelings of resentment and it really made me think and although the baby years are long gone for us our two kids are three and five years old now there are still certain moments where i can tell i'm feeling resentful about something like when my kids want me all the time or they don't even seem to remember to ask my husband something and always ask me for a million things when he's right next to them let me know if that rings a bell with you or even the fact that he doesn't get as worked up as i do when the kids are fighting or when they're crying all of these little things can make me feel like such oh why don't you get like that and these little niggly thoughts can be damaging to your relationship because you might start seeing your partner as the person who's responsible for you being unhappy so here are a few more things that you may be feeling resentful about i found these on instagram and i thought that they were really good to kind of bring to your attention in case you're feeling them as well so that you can understand where it's coming from know that you're not alone and hopefully deal with them in a way that doesn't damage your relationship so you may be feeling resentful about the fact that your partner doesn't understand the physical changes that you experienced since becoming a mum that is really common men don't have to go through what women have to be able to have children and it's a big change for women and you may be feeling resentful about that another one is that they don't seem as needed as i am and that is a big one for me because my kids are just like glued to me and sometimes i feel myself getting that feeling of why doesn't he get all the questions or all the snack requests or everything else under the sun so that is another common one another one is that they don't know how to support me maybe you feel like your partner doesn't really understand what you need from them um or they can leave the house and no one notices that is a big one for moms do you think the other one is that they don't feel the overwhelming guilt that i feel about everything how many of you can relate to that i think especially mums we have that tendency to feel so guilty about everything about doing enough doing too much doing not the right things and that guilt i don't think it affects men as much as affect women especially parents another one is that they can't listen without trying to give me solutions men do have that tendency of wanting to fix everything don't they and although i see that as a good thing because they are trying to help sometimes we don't want a solution we just want them to listen and that can feed into that feeling of resentment and can come out as anger or all sorts of emotions another one is that they don't get as worked up as i do that is a big one for me i tend to get a lot more worked up about things like when the children are crying when they're upset or when they're fighting as he tends to kind of you know just exist around what's happening as for me i have to sort it out or otherwise i just get really stressed out so yeah these are some of the things that you might be feeling feeling resentful about and if you identify with any of these or other things other feelings that you're feeling resentful about you are not alone so now let's move on to some tips on how to deal with that feeling of resentment and not let it destroy your relationship because i don't want it just to be a video about sharing how resentful we felt or we're feeling i want you to come out of this video with some kind of insight or something that helped you to not feel resentful towards your partner to diffuse that feeling and understand it better so my first tip is to acknowledge the feeling of resentment and don't let it shame you so often we let our feelings shame us don't we especially if there are negative feelings that we think we're gonna be judged for like anger or feeling disappointed or resentful these feelings tend to shame us so much into not wanting to feel them not wanting to let anyone know that we feel them but we all do and that is the first step is to acknowledge that you are feeling resentful it doesn't make you a bad person it doesn't make you a bad mother or a bad partner this is a valid feeling acknowledge it accept it and then try and understand it there's nothing to be ashamed about just make sure you name what you're feeling first my second tip is to not let it build up i know that's easier said than done from personal experience sometimes you're just in the moment and you cannot avoid it just try your best to catch yourself when you're thinking he never does that or he always does that or she never understands these absolute statements are not true they might feel like they are true in the moment because you're feeling angry and worked up and resentful but they are not true and these big statements like he never does that or she always does that they will grow a life of their own if you let them and soon enough the moment you look at your partner all you're gonna see is the stuff that annoys you about them so it's important to remember that these are not accurate statements he or she does not live and breathe to annoy you as much as it seems like it in the moment and trust me i know the feeling this is fueled only by your resentment in that moment try to make a mental list of the things that you love about that person the things that you think they do right or that made you fall in love with them in the first place it could be just a short list you don't really want to give them that much credit when you're feeling a bit annoyed but to just stop that fuel for the resentment just throw in a couple of lovely things in the mixture i find that really helps me to just you know take a deep breath and stop myself maybe from saying something that could have been hurtful or not said in the best way possible or even saying something that's completely undeserving because that resentment is my own and it's nothing of their fault sometimes my third tip is to identify your triggers what is making you feel resentful think about the situations you've been in recently where you felt those feelings building up where is that coming from and then remember to ask yourself is that really my partner's fault or do i need to communicate my needs better do i need to set healthier boundaries do i need to make some changes sometimes it's all about us and not about them at all sometimes i feel like when i haven't been taking care of myself enough or when i've been putting myself to the bottom of that to-do list for far too long that resentment is so quick to come and one of my triggers for some reason is sleep whenever my husband is sleeping it triggers that resentment in me because i'm not getting enough sleep with my daughter at night and she always wants me to settle her not him if he tries to settle her it's like world war three so i'm the one not getting the the sleep that i need at night but when everything is fine and he's having a nap a well-deserved nap i sometimes feel that anger and that resentment of how dare you nap when i'm the one who's tired and looking into that feeling a bit more i know that feeling is all about me that is my unmet need that is my problem that i have with taking breaks and allowing myself to rest and that that's got absolutely nothing to do with him he's not taking that nap away from me he's just taking an opportunity like i could do as well that's why it's so important to identify your triggers because i know that when i see him sleeping or napping i'm gonna feel a bit annoyed about that i just have to remember that that is not his fault that's my fault and so it doesn't then become resentment it just becomes it turns it turns the focus on to me it makes me think oh maybe i should have a nap as well rather than resenting him for having that nap my fourth tip is to remember to be respectful to each other even in anger especially in anger in these moments when that resentment comes out as anger it's so easy to say hurtful things what i do is i try to plan out what i'm gonna say before i say it because i don't wanna hurt his feelings i don't wanna say something in a moment that i'm gonna regret later i'll give you an example of something that happened recently my kids were downstairs fighting about a toy or something and my husband was down there and he was being his usual super chilled self not really worried about it they weren't hurting each other they were just you know like talking very loudly about who should have that toy and my first thought was why don't you care enough to go and sort this out but instead i thought about it i planned what i was gonna say i went downstairs and i said to him can you sort this argument out please it's driving me crazy it's giving me a headache can you please sort this out and he did and so that was a much better way to get the results that i wanted from that conversation i communicated clearly to him what i needed and he did it and this got solved in a very respectful way no one needed to offend anyone or say something hurtful and so always remember you can be respectful you choose your words you choose what you say and if you do say something in anger because sometimes it comes out remember to apologize and tip number five is to take control of the things that you can control sometimes our resentment comes from the things that our partners can't do for us like breastfeed or be more needed by the children and these things you cannot control them in these situations when your partner can't meet your expectations you will have to manage them yourself so if your kids only want you all the time and you really need that break that time apart then you might have to be okay with them being upset with not being with you you have to manage your expectations for that situation our daughter isabella is very attached to me like extremely a mummy's girl and my husband often has to battle with her just to be with him and not with me and sometimes when i'm in the shower i can hear her crying and saying i just want to go and see mummy i just want to do this and it's not nice to hear that but at the same time i need that break i deserve to have a shower on my own in peace and i have to be okay with him handling his his own way he's a loving parent like i am and he gives her all the attention and the love that she needs and sometimes she is gonna cry if she's not with me and i need to feel okay with that so that is it for my tips on how to not let resentment destroy your relationship i hope you found some of these helpful if you did make sure to share this video with a friend don't forget to give it a thumbs up to let me know you liked it and subscribe to my channel if you're new i'll leave the playlist i said below with all the mindful motherhood videos for you to catch up on i'd love to open up this discussion in the comments below so tell me if you feel like resentment is something that you have struggled with since becoming a parent towards your partner or if your partner feels resentful towards you and what is your trigger what usually causes you to feel resentful hope you enjoyed this video take care and i'll see you in my next video bye

Channel: Ysis Lorenna

Views: 22,432

Keywords: ysis lorenna, mindful motherhood, resentment, resentment towards your partner, resentment towards spouse, resentment after kids, I resent my partner, I resent my husband, how to stop feeling resentful, resentment towards husband, how to clear resentment, how to stop resentment in marriage, how do I get past resentment, relationship advice, husband resentment after baby, postpartum resentment, how to have a strong marriage after having kids, feeling resentful for your spouse

Id: hOHR8ZKewbU

Length: 13min 31sec (811 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 28 2020