How to Outsmart Toxic People [ Passive Aggressive Behavior

in my last video I talked about common passive aggressive behaviors of toxic people if you have not seen that video before you watch this one make sure you check it out okay their covert passive-aggressive behaviors that toxic people pretty much always use so in this video we're gonna talk about what to do about it when you get the look rather than going up in your head getting hyper-vigilant doubting yourself wondering if there's something you did you observe without absorbing what they're doing you notice that that's the passive-aggressive behavior of the look you now have a name for it you notice it and you keep your energy when you smile when you wave even though they're trying to take away your joy you're holding on to your happiness you're not turning over your power to making sure that they're on board with your energy in other words you're happy they're not and that's okay it's sad that they choose to give you those expressions of dislike of anger of hidden hostility but that's them and that's their choice and you have the choice to hold on to your positive energy this is so valuable not only because it helps you to stay happy inside but it also helps you to stop giving fuel to the narcissist smear campaign yes the smear campaign happens long before you even leave the narcissist in public situations they're setting you up to look bad so every time they give you the look and all of a sudden you're hyper vigilant you feel uncomfortable you get really nervous you stop being you because there's something wrong people start to think there's something wrong what they don't realize is that it's being provoked by someone else when you hold on to your energy something interesting happens the toxic person cannot continue on with their facade it's very difficult for the toxic person to continue feeling and acting and pretending to be this amazing person when you are together and when you're happy and you're confident they have a hard time with that so when you hold on to yourself when the narcissist is passive aggressively trying to take away who you are you have more of a chance to not only outsmart them but expose them number two is the mood toxic people have somewhere along the line conditioned their family members to think that the family members are responsible for their bad mood for those that were brought up in toxic environments that's normal if your parents made you feel like you were responsible for their mood then it's very easy to fall into feeling responsible for the moods of the person that you're in a relationship with in other words if somebody chooses to be in a bad mood that's their choice but by passive-aggressively just having that mood without owning it and they tell you oh nothing is wrong they're indirectly trying to awaken that that responsibility in you that you feel responsible as if it's somehow your fault or your responsibility to help them to be in a better mood now in healthy relationships that's okay that's normal behavior we always want to try to cheer each other up the problem is is if you're with a toxic person they're choosing that mood and they don't want you to cheer them up they want you to feel responsible for it so in order to outsmart them you have to recognize that they are allowed to have that mood if they so choose it sucks to have to live with somebody that's constantly giving off this horrible vibe it sucks to have somebody with this sullen face so an angry face when they deny that there's anything wrong it really sucks to have to live with that but just like they can't control us just like we don't want them to control us we can't control them and that's the mood they choose that's okay so the next time the toxic person is in a bad mood and giving off this vibe instead of instead of even asking what's wrong don't even ask what's wrong that's getting you sucked into a drama battle that they're gonna set you up for notice it use the observe don't absorb notice it and act as if you don't notice it so let's say you say hello they they just came home from work and you're like hey how are you and they're in this bad mood you could say well it was it's so nice to see you I have to go do this or I have to go do that is there anything you need and they're gonna answer sullen and they're gonna answer with this tone you act as if you don't even notice it by doing that you won't absorb it and you'll be able to hold on to your energy and you'll be able to hold on to your positive vibes without absorbing their negative ones number three when toxic people make intentional mistakes and again in my last video I told you the reason that they do these intentional mistakes is so that you stop asking them to do things they love to exploit people so they'll take one step back and expect you to take one step forward they'll make all these mistakes so that you take so that you clean up after them and you take on more responsibility the way to outsmart them is to stop cleaning up after them and this is hard this is really hard because there are some situations that not cleaning up after them is going to have negative effects sometimes financially the problem is is if you continually clean up after them you are without realizing it enabling that behavior that keeps you in that cycle so I know it's scary and I know you have to gauge in which areas of your life that you'll be able to apply this that's completely understandable but it's important to stop enabling that behavior so I had this one face-to-face client who her and her spouse work full-time and so they would share responsibilities in the house they would share cleaning the kitchen right so she explained exactly how she liked things and she was very systematic there were everything had a home everything had a place and there was there was a clear way of how she liked having things done she would tell me that it was almost as if he would intentionally do everything wrong either to frustrate her or to force her to have to give time to fixing everything he did which caused frustration on top of that and this is where we start to realize that accidental stakes are very different from intentional mistakes when somebody is intentionally doing things wrong it's like you can tell there's this gut feeling this gut instinct that this is being done on purpose she did something interesting she used reverse psychology which works amazing with toxic people when you tell them I would love this this and this to happen they do the opposite so she used her understanding of the fact that he is a very competitive person and likes to always be looked at as the best and everything right even if he wasn't he'd like to be looked at and viewed that way so she said that her two friends had a contest on whose husband could make the kitchen maintain the kitchen for 30 days in a certain way who won and she was just bragging about that one friend's husband and how amazing he did it and how he was able to do this that and the other thing she said the next time that he had to clean the kitchen she couldn't believe how perfect it was and it was exactly what she had been asking him to do for years so that showed that they really do know what you want and yes they intentionally make mistakes to frustrate you so finding ways to get them to act in ways that are beneficial in the house can be very helpful so that face to face client gave a good strategy that helped so sometimes we have to find a strategy to get things done the correct way but it's worth it and if nothing else it stops us from enabling toxic behavior five is gossip the best way to handle gossip is I know you're thinking it don't ever get involved in it sometimes it's tempting when you're in a work situation or in a family environment if you feel constantly rejected by people and then suddenly this person is like acting like they can trust you and they're sharing things and they're acting like they really like you it can be really tempting to allow gossip because you're thinking well finally I'm close to this person or finally I'm close to someone in this environment and it feels good don't fall for it this person especially if you know that they're toxic if they're gossiping to you about someone else they're gossiping to someone else about you and it's just not worth the headache of getting involved in that so avoid it and you don't have to do it in a condescending way trying to make the toxic person know that you're teaching them that gossip is bad because that could make you a target for more abuse so finding a way to excuse yourself from the conversation in a happy way like oh I'm so sorry I can't stay and listen I have a phone call I have to make or I have some paperwork I have to file but it was really nice talking to you something nice happy no negativity and yet not getting sucked into the gossip is an awesome way to handle that punctuality problems okay so anyone that is cool parenting or counter parenting with a toxic person knows that there is no such thing as the word punctuality in their vocabulary but once you know that they're doing it on purpose you now have a choice whether you want to be a pawn in their game or you want to remove yourself and handle it in a way where it does not affect you I remember how frustrating it was to feel like somebody was taking your time and just disrespecting it just because just because they wanted to just because they knew it would bother you it hurts so the way to outsmart this passive-aggressive behavior is by one not expecting them to be on time so I knew one person who during visitation what she would do is she would be on time because that's her respect for punctuality she would be on time but when the other party wasn't there rather than sitting in the car and being frustrated and having the kids absorb that frustration she would have a plan B she would take the kids out for ice-cream or they would play games in the car so to not get yourself in any trouble when you are on time and the other person isn't there shoot them a text shoot them a text without any anger or frustration hey it's five o'clock at the scheduled time I noticed that you're not here but don't worry take your time the kids have been craving ice cream for so long so we're gonna go enjoy some up at whatever place you're gonna take them to and don't worry just shoot us a text whenever you're ready when you send a text like that you'll be amazed at how fast the toxic person shows up because the purpose of their lack of punctuality is to hurt you annoy you frustrate you and when they see it's having the opposite effect don't want to stop because they don't want to do anything that gives you any kind of happiness once you remove your annoyance once you remove the fact that they can't take your positive energy away they are powerless the silent treatment we all know how painful the silent treatment is when we focus on the fact that they're ignoring us and we focus on the fact that nothing we say is getting through and it's as if we are the Living Dead the whole time they're giving the silent treatment we're focusing on them and what they're doing and why we can't seem to get peace the antidote the way that you the way that you outsmart this passive-aggressive behavior is learning to take that time to focus on you if you are in a toxic relationship you are constantly revolving around the other person to the point that you're probably not even on your list of priorities you probably don't have self-care habits you probably do little of the things that you are passionate or were passionate about well guess what the silent treatment is an awesome time to start getting reconnected with what you love with what makes you feel better so rather than focus on how they feel the fact that they're ignoring you focus on what do I need to feel good right now what do what can I do that would make me happy and then make sure that you do it now that's the positive side of the silent treatment that it gives you that me time that time for yourself the downside is is the second they see that you're enjoying that passive-aggressive behavior the silent treatment will end so enjoy it while it lasts make it about reconnecting with you doing things that you're passionate about and that you love and last is the passive-aggressive behavior of ignoring you in public when we know that this is being done on purpose and that nothing we do to try to involve ourselves with this person that supposedly more often times than not the most important person in our life and they're just shutting us out and no one's noticing it the mistake we make is focusing on that fact and we can't even enjoy ourselves so once again we need to use the observe don't absorb tactic of noticing up there they are acting as if I don't exist well I feel single even though I'm married I feel single this is kind of crazy rather than focus on what they're doing to you make sure you check in with yourself and say what do I need what do I need right now to feel good to be happy or what can I do despite this person's behavior what can I do that would bring me some happiness right now maybe there's someone that you would like to talk to span the room and talk with somebody but be present in the conversation laugh enjoy the moment when your mind starts going up into your head saying why are they ignoring me why do do that why do they do that bring your mind back to the moment of where you're at and who this person is that you're enjoying your time with if there are no other people in other words it's you the toxic person and one other person and you feel like a dog on a leash because they're walking ahead of you and ignoring you rather than keep following them look around if you're at a public place and say is there something I would like to do now someplace I would like to go walk away and start doing whatever it is or looking at or exploring whatever it is that would make you happy when they come back and say something like why did you walk away rather than point out the fact that they're ignoring you which they would love because then they can twist it and make you look unreasonable you can say oh I'm so sorry I didn't even notice that you guys weren't with me I just saw this over here and I wanted to explore it more happy that's it they'll be surprised and wondering why it's not bothering you and so don't be fooled if later on when you're all alone with the toxic person they say something like hey I'm really sorry if it seemed like I was ignoring you today with so-and-so they're fishing they're trying to see if it bothered you if you say something like yeah that was kind of rude but I found something else to do that I liked anyway so oh well they will love it if you say that because in their mind they'll say oh they're acting like she's happy but look it really still does bother him or her so you never want to reveal that it hurt you you can say something like I didn't even notice no I was having such a good time trust me this is why it takes us so long to begin to put into practice these new ways of behavior okay and it's because one these are behaviors that you wouldn't engage in with a healthy individual with the healthy individual you would say yes that did hurt my feelings but you cannot do that with toxic people when we tell toxic people what hurts us they do it more and when we expose that they covertly hide it but continue to do it so that's why putting into practice these ways of outsmarting toxic behavior that's why it takes us so long to understand them and to start using them is because it goes against everything that we would want in a relationship the problem is is that there's a truth pill that needs to be swallowed and that's the fact that this person is toxic and cannot and will not treat you in a relationship as if they are not toxic once we realize that that's when we start putting these be years into practice and what happens is we begin to feel empowered instead of helpless narcissists love to make you feel helpless and as if it's your fault again these are behaviors that you have put into practice in a toxic relationship not a healthy relationship keep that in mind and try them if you're in a toxic relationship I would love to hear which behaviors you're putting into practice and how they're helping you to feel more empowered in the comments section below

Channel: Michele Lee Nieves Coaching

Views: 132,405

Keywords: passive aggressive behavior, how to outsmart a narcissist, narcissistic silent treatment, when is a relationship toxic, outsmart toxic people, how to deal with difficult people at work, handle negative person, covert behavior, what is covert narcissistic abuse, am i dating a sociopath, how narcissists manipulate, yt:cc=on, narcissistic abuse life coach, life coach for men, healing emotional abuse, leaving toxic family, what is complex ptsd, life coach for anxiety, narcissistic

Id: QFQfwT1PDN8

Length: 18min 36sec (1116 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 02 2019