How to Deal with Rejection Sensitivity

hello brains i wanted to make this video a long time ago but i was afraid of rejection uh the irony [Music] rejection sensitivity is a huge issue for a lot of us with adhd including me but before i explain why i think it's important to clarify the difference between the terms rejection sensitive dysphoria or rsd and rejection sensitivity or rs rejection sensitive dysphoria is a term that's being talked about a lot in the adhd community right now it was created by dr william dodson who describes it as a triggered wordless emotional pain that occurs after a real or perceived loss of approval love or respect according to dodson rsd appears to be the one emotional condition found only with adhd and he recommends specific medications to treat it but if you ask your doctor about rsd they probably won't have heard about it because it's not in the dsm and because as of this video neither i ignore my research team could find a single scientific study about it which means as much as it resonates with people with adhd and as validating as it can feel to have this official sounding term to describe what we experience it hasn't really been researched yet that might change and i'd be super curious to read the research on it when it does come out in the meantime that doesn't mean the intense sensitivity to rejection we feel isn't real trust me it is and that is validated by research in fact rejection sensitivity or the tendency to anxiously expect readily perceive and intensely react to rejection is mentioned in several research studies in relation to adhd rs is not exclusive to adhd it's actually associated with many psychiatric conditions including social anxiety borderline personality disorder and body dysmorphia but studies show that it is common in adhd in adhd it seems to be because our brains have difficulty regulating emotions in general you can learn more about that in this video and that most of us have a long history of repeated instances of actual rejection according to one study children and adolescents with adhd are rated lower on social preference are less well-liked or more often rejected are more likely to be designated non-friends by their peers and have fewer reciprocal friends up to 70 of these children with adhd may have no close friends by third grade that was me when i was a kid i brought a book with me everywhere because by the time i could read i already expected my peers not to include me the first time i liked a boy i saved up all my allowance to buy him a giant valentine's heart full of chocolates only to leave it on his desk and then run away he never knew it was from me the first couple of times someone broke up with me one of which was because my best friend was dating him behind my back it was so painful that i learned not to trust my friends and to figure out what boys wanted and give it to them even when that meant neglecting my own needs so that they never had a reason to leave and i've always been called too sensitive my sensitivity to rejection is so intense that even perceived rejection like getting a piece of criticism from a boss i'd melt down crying or get angry and say things that would sometimes result in actual rejection like getting fired rejection sensitivity is very real and very painful caroline mcguire who wrote why will no one play with me explains something happens and it feels enormous it feels like your heart is pounding out of your chest it doesn't really matter what happened really matters how intense it feels to you because we are more sensitive to rejection our body goes more easily into fight fight or freeze our body and brain have this ancient alarm system it literally thinks a saber-toothed tiger is coming to eat us we end up in this defensive cascade because our brain thinks there's a threat the problem is that it feels terrible so we end up people pleasing we end up being afraid to ask someone to do something we end up holding back not asking for that raise not inviting someone because we're afraid they'll say no but we miss out on a raise on our relationship on going somewhere rather than missing out we can use tools to navigate this situation so caroline created a tool to help us cope the four r's first recognize where you're at emotionally the more emotions go up the more cognitive ability goes down strategies that would make sense at this point in the intensity meter might not be doable over here so the first step she recommends is to get a general sense of how intense our emotions are right now one way to do that is to check in with your body are your fists clenched are your teeth clenched is your stomach tight are you fighting back tears is your face feeling flushed for some of us some of these things are kind of status quo but the more of them and the more intense they are generally speaking the more intense our emotions are too once we have a sense of where we're at on the intensity meter respond with a strategy that makes sense for us at that level of intensity because everyone's strategies and what works for them is different we broke it down into three categories if you're in the green meaning your emotions are at a normal level of intensity and you're thinking clearly it's a good time to engage in situations in which rejection is a possibility or to practice self-care so that we're in a better place for when triggering situations come up so maybe instead of going from here to here we go from here to here while we're thinking clearly it's also a good time to try to resolve any issues from past conversations where emotions were heightened and it wasn't a good time to try to resolve things or maybe we even did some damage we need to repair if we're in the yellow meaning our emotions are heightened but we're still somewhat in control caroline recommends strategies that can slow us down and calm our brain so we can continue to engage maybe we can ask for clarification about the thing that triggered us what did you mean by that focus on our breathing count to three before responding go for a walk pet the dog drink some tea the goal here is to try to get ourselves back into the green or at least stay out of the red if we're in the red meaning our emotions are so high we're entering fight flight or freeze we can use strategies that help us feel safe but cognitive ability is super low right now so they need to be things that we've practiced a lot for me that's cuddling my dog and meditating remembering the steps to an acronym i heard once and never practiced is not gonna happen resolving issues is also not gonna happen as caroline puts it when we're in the red we are not fit for human consumption don't pick up the phone don't answer that email don't try to work things out at least until we're back in the yellow this is hard because this is when our brains are incredibly upset and want to do something about it but there's gonna be a point of no return at which we can't even think clearly enough to disengage so it's a good idea to do it if and when we still can it's not always possible to disengage entirely but we can usually at least put that topic on hold while we use our go-to strategies to settle our emotional glitter and convince our brains we're not in life-threatening danger then when possible reflect and reframe this part is super important for two reasons one the first thoughts we have about a situation often aren't correct they're full of cognitive distortions based on past experiences like emotional reasoning i feel rejected therefore i am being rejected or personalization they said they didn't want to go see this movie with me they must not like me and two because if we believe the thought that we were rejected even if we weren't we are more likely to anticipate perceive and react strongly to rejection in the future and believing that thought is more common when we're sensitive to rejection so it's a good idea to intentionally consider other explanations what are the facts of what happened we asked someone to hang out this weekend and they said they were busy and now we're having the thought that it's because they don't want to spend time with us and we're feeling rejected okay that could mean they don't want to spend time with us what else could it mean maybe they were actually busy or they didn't want to see that movie or they just needed some down time and didn't feel comfortable asking for it ask them if possible a lot of the time stuff that we perceive as rejection is actually just a conflict of needs and reframing it that way can help us consider that possibility in the future and remember that not everything that feels like rejection is rejection all of this is easier said than done and requires ongoing practice so if this is an issue for you it might be a good idea to work with a therapist on it which i am also doing right now we found that one situation in particular kept coming up for me as rejection when it really wasn't about that and she told me i was no longer allowed to use the term rejection i could be disappointed but i wasn't being rejected that small change helped a lot because it was really hard to misinterpret a situation as rejection when i wasn't allowed to use that word i'm also working on self-validation to undo some of the self-esteem damage that past rejections have done there are also cbt and dbt workbooks that you can work through on your own we even created a printable reference card for your toolbox keep it on you or where you work to cue yourself to use the four r's and add additional personal strategies to help cope with rs but what if we're right and no one really does want to play with us we can learn social skills to help us reduce the risk of being rejected in the future let us know if you'd be interested and caroline offered to come back and teach us about some of those thank you so much to caroline mcguire for creating this tool for us if you want to check out her book you can buy it here or learn more on her website if you want to learn more about cognitive distortions danny donovan did a whole series about them which i will share a link to in the comments below thank you to my brain advocates and all my patreon brains for making it possible for me to do deep dives into research on topics like these and to my research team for helping me do it and seriously to every professional collaborator that i've talked to over the last two years about this topic i really appreciate your help like subscribe click all the things talk about how you deal with rejection sensitivity and i will see you next video bye brains [Music] you

Channel: How to ADHD

Views: 2,192,377

Keywords: deal

Id: jM3azhiOy5E

Length: 9min 28sec (568 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 25 2020