Hello brains! This week, in honor of
Valentine's Day, I wanted to talk about all the different ways ADHD affects
our relationships. But days later, buried under piles and piles of research, I
realized this is a huge issue. So we're gonna call this "ADHD and Relationships: Part One." Of probably like a hundred. [music intro] There are already a ton of YouTube videos and articles with great advice on everything about how to deal with ADHD and relationships from impulsivity and
hyperactivity; time management; money management; to inattention -- as in, forgetfulness. And I don't know how to explain how many articles I read about leaving little reminders
everywhere except to tell you I'm now heavily invested in post-it. But to be honest, most
guys I've dated have been able to handle me forgetting appointments or losing
stuff. There's a far more damaging aspect to the way that ADHD affects relationships
and I don't see it talked about very often. It's not a very popular subject. What
is it? Inattention as in... getting bored. I'm gonna open up about my own personal
experiences and what I've found that helps, but first to help us understand
why we get bored of what used to be the only thing that we could think about: Cool Science Stuff! It's not true that people with ADHD can't focus. It's that we have trouble sustaining our
attention on things that don't reward our brains for focusing on them. What's behind
most ADHD symptoms, and this one's no different, is trouble with dopamine. Dopamine is a
neurotransmitter that's part of the reward system in our brain. We do a thing, we get
a hit of dopamine, we feel good. The problem is in ADHD brains there aren't
as many dopamine receptors as there are in the average brain. We kind of have to flood
our brain with dopamine to feel the effects. You've heard of heat-seeking missiles?
We are dopamine-seeking missiles. The ADHD brain is great at focusing on four things. No big
surprise, these things fire up the dopamine. One: things that are of personal interest.
Two: Things that are challenging. Three: Things that are new or novel.
Four: Things that are under a crazy deadline. At the beginning of a relationship at least the
first three of those are all in play. All four if your mom's pressuring
you to give her grandkids already. [ding]
[baby cries] Which is why at the beginning of a relationship most of us can barely think about anything else. All of our time and energy and attention
is lavished on this other person. But as a relationship continues, it's not as
stimulating anymore, and our focus shifts to other ways to increase our dopamine. This
can be damaging to relationships in a couple of ways. The non-ADHD partner gets
used to that attention and it doesn't feel good when you pull away. It
can feel personal. It can feel like you don't love them anymore. You get used to the high levels of
dopamine and you kinda get hooked. It's fairly common for those of us with ADHD
to use relationships as a dopamine boost. We start doing whatever we can to create
or preserve that dopamine high, including, in no particular order of personal
experience: a) Getting involved with the nearest available human of the desired
gender because they're there and you're bored. Pretty sure this is how Tinder works. b) Going from relationship to relationship.
c) Pretending things are perfect in your relationship long after it's clear they're not. d) Criticizing or
wanting to change the other person in order to make the relationship perfect.
Also, sometimes you'll still pretend it is perfect. It's very confusing for everyone involved.
e) Cheating on them because you're bored but you don't hurt them/end
the relationship. f) Lying to them. g) When you find a
relationship you like, pushing everything to the next level as quickly as possible
just to feel that thrill of new. If you're stuck in this vicious cycle, which
I only sometimes and with great difficulty have been able to avoid, I
would like to present to you: option H. Honesty. Be honest with yourself about what you
want. Be honest with yourself about who you are, what you need. Be honest with yourself about
who your partner is and if he's right for you. Be honest about what you need in a relationship.
Be honest about your deal breakers. Be honest about where you are in the relationship.
If you're two weeks in, no, you probably don't have enough information yet to know that
this is the person you want to marry and, if you're two years in, no it's not going to be as
crazy, wild and euphoric as it was at first and thank goodness because nobody can sustain
that. Stop pretending this is the perfect relationship if it's not and you're just with this person to
feel good. Because, eventually, it doesn't. If you're in the relationship for the dopamine high,
not the person, understand that the dopamine high will end and then you'll still be stuck with the person.
Or have to leave and watch them cry. I'll be honest, being honest doesn't solve everything.
You might fight more. You might have more first dates that don't turn into second dates. When look on Tinder you might not find a good match two blocks away. But I'll tell you what does happen: One: it gets interesting. You never know what
to expect because now you're two human beings interacting, not people playing roles.
Roles get boring. "Perfect girlfriend." "Perfect boyfriend." Any relationship that you bring your real self into is always going to be interesting. And, if you're really being honest with
yourself, you're only gonna get involved people who actually interest you. Two: It gets challenging. You'll actually
have to work out solutions. To actual problems. Three: It becomes new. You'll constantly
be reinventing yourselves, each other, the relationship. You can affect your
partner, they can affect you. And it will get deeper and more beautiful and more
exciting than you could have ever imagined. And then something incredible happens: you can stop worrying about finding or saving or
creating or ending a relationship and go find other things that are exciting to you.
Make a video game. Start a YouTube channel. Projects! Travel! TedTalks! And if you're honest
with your partner they'll know to enjoy the times when you hyperfocus on them and
understand that when your attention is on a project that you're working on it's not
that you don't love them. And you can remind each other, because we WILL forget,
that this is a normal part of having ADHD. That's it for this week. Hopefully some of this is
helpful. Hopefully it resonates with some of you. It's what I wish someone had told
me. For the rest of you stay tuned. I'll be tackling a ton of other issues that come up in
ADHD relationships in future videos. If you have questions, or a topic you like me to address, leave it in
the comments below and hit me up on Facebook and Twitter and be sure to
subscribe so you don't miss it when I actually talk about it. I'll see you
next week. Bye brains! Oh! Happy Valentine's Day. Find love. Love. True love. Love. True love. Love. True Love. True love. Love. True love. [Music outro]
