How to spot autism in high masking
autistic women. So, by definition, if someone is successfully masking they do not
look autistic. In fact, that's what the mask does. It hides the visible signs. If you want
to start to see autistic traits we need to look Beyond The Mask. We're essentially looking
for gaps. What the mask implies should be there but isn't. And in this video, I'll share some
of the key things to look out for. Importantly though, if someone trusts you enough, is
vulnerable enough, to let you in to see they're hidden inner world please validate that
experience. There's nothing worse than disclosing something as vulnerable as I'm autistic and
I've been masking my entire life and to have that moment completely invalidated by opposition
and resistance from people who don't believe you. Part of this video is sponsored by Betterhelp
online counseling check out the video description below to claim their special offer of 10%
off your first month and if you're on your own unmasking journey, make sure you stick around
until the end where I'll share my top four tips of where to from here. Hi, everyone. Paul Micallef
here from Autism From The Inside. I make weekly videos sharing the human side of autism so make
sure you hit subscribe to get the latest content. So how to spot autism in high-masking autistic
women? So firstly what is a mask? When you think about it, a mask is like a facade or an outward
appearance. A little bit like an optical illusion where if you're looking from the right angle it
seems convincing and it seems flawless even, but if you start to look a little bit more closely,
if you look from a bit of a different angle or from a different perspective, the illusion
seems to break down in areas that you didn't expect. So in a similar way, a mask implies
something that doesn't exist. So, in the case of autistic masking, very often, the mask implies
'I'm just an average person just like the rest of the neurotypical population' and what is actually
behind the mask is an inner experience that is quite different from that. So in that way, the
mask gives you an impression of what you think should be on the inside that is not entirely true.
Some autistic people, especially women, can be very very good at masking to the point that you can
be masking for decades without giving anyone the slightest clue that there might be more going
on than meets the eye. So this is the first really key distinction - If you want to start seeing
autistic traits in a person, it's incredibly important to first look beyond the mask because
our mask might literally be flawless. I mean yes, it does crack from time to time, and it does slip.
And under pressure and under lots of stress from life in general, sometimes, these are the kinds
of situations where you're more likely to see a different side of the person than you would
normally but the distinction between the person and The Mask means that it is what is underneath
that is the most important thing not your initial impression or first appearance. In fact it's
often helpful to question all of your assumptions. So, here's what to look for: We're essentially
looking for gaps in certain areas. What was the mask covering up? What was it smoothing over
or painting over so we couldn't see? Giving the impression of a simple outward appearance
nothing to see here whereas actually the reality is rough and complex so these gaps and
inconsistencies might be temporal in nature. It might be something that I can do sometimes but
not other times. A good example for me personally is talking at the moment. I can talk. I probably
seem reasonably articulate and you might, you may assume that I can fairly easily talk all
the time. And that is not the case when I have a certain amount of energy and my brain is in
flow then yes talking is easy and other times I can't string two words together to save my life. So,
it's those kinds of inconsistencies where the mask, the outward appearance, at first glance seems to
imply that I can all always talk but the reality is much more complex. Another example of a gap may
be in a specific skill set. So, for me, personally, I find reading very difficult. I've avoided it
my whole life. I did very well at school but partially that's because I avoided the kinds
of subjects where I needed to read and write. A lot I did things like science and maths and
engineering and these days if I have a piece of text and I have to read it with my eyes, then that
is extremely difficult. I tend to avoid that. I use my computer to read it to me and if I can't copy
the text and highlight the text and put it into my text-to-speech software then suddenly that
PDF you've just sent me is quite inaccessible due to a hidden gap in my skill set. So what are
some of the areas where we commonly find these types of gaps or inconsistencies. It may be social
skills or gaps in my knowledge and understanding. It may be inconsistent capacity for executive
function. From one day to the next or a spiky skill set distribution or sensory sensitivities
or information processing needs. Let's take being social for example. What might look like to
be socially inconsistent, it could be a person who has very high energy and is extremely social.
Sometimes and then at other times, needs complete alone time and goes home and crashes
and can't keep up that level of energy. It might be the friend who you actually have a really close
relationship with yet who does not respond to your texts or answer your calls for months at a time
and then later on we'll come back and pick up where you left off as if nothing has changed. Gaps
in knowledge and understanding might look like asking questions that you kind of think should be
obvious to a person in this particular situation. Maybe you say meet me at eight o'clock this Friday
in the city and we'll go out and get some food and they say "okay, just checking is it 8 AM or 8
pm", so with the context you probably assumed we were going out maybe after work on a Friday maybe
going to get dinner or drinks or going to see a show or something like that and that's the kind of
social context that we need to answer those types of questions gaps in knowledge or understanding
can be an indicator of a lack of context. It's easy to assume a level of background knowledge or
understanding of social context that simply isn't there or at least may not be as solid as you might
think. Another sign may be inconsistent capacity. Sharp organized on the ball and other times,
seeming to let commitments drop left, right and center. It's common for everyone to have highs
and lows good days and bad days but this is most easily visible for autistic people in extended
low periods we call burnout where even basic everyday tasks become a challenge. It's easy to
assume that if someone is competent and capable, right now then, that's always the case but in
fact, we often go through periods of unexplained inability to function in certain areas or periods
of severely reduced capacity, in general. A little bit like how I explained I can talk easily most
of the time and sometimes trying to string two words together is just too difficult. In a similar
way when you see that someone is competent in one area and really gifted in one area, it's easy
to assume that they also have that ability in other areas as well. If you see me solving a
Rubik's Cube you may assume that I can also tie my shoelaces. Whereas, the autistic skill set
distribution has a very spiky profile. There are some things we are really good at and some
things that are incredibly difficult. When I'm working with autistic people, I always make sure
to check my assumptions around specific abilities. Does doing it this way work for you or do we
need a different approach? A good analogy is of a physical disability like impairment in
Vision or hearing. Like if I have my glasses then I can see just as well as anyone else and
without them, suddenly, you're going to see a very very different result. This can often be seen
in inconsistent executive function so that's things like: planning and organization and memory
and making decisions and prioritizing and things. Like that I had a manager at work once pull me
up for my poor performance but then not long after, he said I was basically like an entirely new
person with much much better results just because we'd change the particular way we were working.
On the task for me, for example, if I'm going to understand something and make a decision I need to
really sketch it out and draw it out and write it out so that I can understand how everything kind
of fits together if I have to organize an event or some travel or something like that I need to
really sketch things out visually so that I can see the timelines and see how everything connects
with everything else and when I can do that in my own way, then everything works very well and if
that particular method is taken away from me then my ability to plan and organize and get through
life is severely diminished. Now these days, a lot of people use technology to help with executive
function. I have an online calendar and it tells me what's on my schedule today so I don't need
to remember and it sets reminders and it means I don't need to worry about forgetting things but
if you take away the tools and coping strategies, it's like taking away a person's glasses or
turning off their hearing aid I was relying on those things to function and without them,
you're going to see a very different side of me. And that's kind of the thing right I mean a
person wearing glasses is not pretending to have perfect vision they're not hiding the
fact that they need the glasses to be able to see properly and as a society we accept that
imperfection and allow them to wear the glasses and have that coping strategy and there's no
social stigma around that perhaps that's why we mask in the first place I don't want you to focus
on my weaknesses and the things that I can't do I want to show you what I'm really good at so I
paint over the gaps. I fill them in, I smooth them over so that you can't see them so that they're
not distracting so that they don't make me seem different but wouldn't it be nice if I didn't
have to do that. Imagine if instead of masking, I could just let those gaps be common knowledge.
What if I could show you all my autistic quirks and idiosyncrasies and share the way that I need
to function and all my coping strategies and what if there was no social stigma attached to that. Can
you tell that I'm wearing contacts at the moment? Uh, well, I'm not actually but the point is that it
doesn't matter if I am or not. Whether or not you see what I have to do behind the scenes shouldn't
really matter. So, if someone tells you that they're autistic and you can't really see how because
from your point of view, their mask seems flawless just trust that there are gaps that you can't
currently see. As I said there's nothing worse than disclosing something as vulnerable as I've
been masking so that you can't see how hard I'm working behind the scenes only to have that moment
turned into in an invalidating experience by not being believed in fact it's kind of ironic that
when someone finally does try to share their true self that the legitimacy is questioned because all
we see from the outside is the perfect mask so in the end there are lots of signs if you know what
to look for. But they all start with the mind frame that the person is not the mask and it's what's
underneath the mask that is the most important. And if you're willing to be open and look maybe
you'll see something very special. Maybe you'll open the door to a level of connection and shared
understanding that was not previously possible so remember that by definition, successful high-
masking people do not look autistic and that can be really tough. Someone is trying to be
vulnerable, trying to let you in, it's like the optical illusion that the mask was creating
is being shattered and it's going to take your eyes a little bit of time to adjust to see what
was real and what was just a trick of the light. But I cannot over-emphasize how important it is
to validate that experience even if it doesn't quite make sense to you yet when we unmask or
attempt to unmask we need other people to help validate that experience it's often new territory
for everyone, if I've been masking for decades and only just got a autism diagnosis later in life,
then the question of 'who am I?' behind the mask is a serious question that takes some time to explore
and to answer. So, having the support of other people who can validate that experience and walk
with us along the journey is incredibly helpful. So, if this is you and you're going through your
own unmasking journey, I have four suggestions of where you might like to go from here. Number one
is you might like to share part of your experience in their video comments or read the experiences of
others it's really helpful to know that you're not alone. Number two is to check out some of my other
unmasking videos on especially how to safely take off the mask long-term masking can be incredibly
damaging so working towards self-acceptance in that regard can be really helpful . Number three
is if you're looking for a supportive Community you might like to check out our online social
group I'll put a link in the description or you can find us on Facebook and finally if you're
recently diagnosed or unmasking yourself there's a lot that often comes along with that. So, I'd highly
recommend speaking to a mental health professional if you haven't already these days there are lots
of good online options and in fact this video was sponsored by Betterhelp online counselling so
check them out in the video description if you haven't already. They make things really easy to
get started by matching you to a therapist based on your personal preferences so I hope you found
this video valuable and you've gained a new perspective on masking. You may like to check
out my other online resources at autism from the inside.com. I also offer one-on-one online
coaching there, as well. So, send us a message if you're interested in that. Otherwise, thanks again
for watching and I will see you next week. Bye.
