- [Narrator] There's been a huge decline in mental health around the world, which is why we are so committed to creating more content
than we ever have. Thanks so much for being
a part of our journey. Do you have a toxic family and
you're not sure what to do? Having a toxic family
member can be detrimental, because family is supposed to be defined by love and support. This is a betrayal of the highest order, and something, if left untreated, that will haunt someone for
the rest of their lives. It's difficult to even admit
a family member is toxic, and the treatment isn't easy. Although we do recommend reaching out to a professional for help, here are a few tips to ponder
while you decide what to do. Number one: make clear
boundaries for yourself. We know that it sounds simple to say, hey I like this,
and I don't like that, and you're right, it does
seem straightforward, so why does this toxic person continue to be able to cross those boundaries? It might be that, due to
fear, being worn down, or not realizing that it's happening, you haven't made the boundaries clear. The problem with toxic
family members is not only that they know you well, but they exercise that knowledge
regularly to get at you. They know where all the thin spots are. Clarifying a boundary is like
adding an extra fortification, or making your house out
of brick rather than straw, and filling in all the gaps. So you need to be super
clear with yourself on not only what your
boundaries are, but why. Give it some backup. Know that your own limit is because toxic people will
overstep that boundary repeatedly, so you'll need to determine for yourself how much you'll put up with before you know it's time to walk. They might rush you before the
cement has been set properly, so don't worry about
failing the first few times. With practice, you'll be
able to hold your own. These boundaries will
also help to remind you that you have not only
the need but the right to protect yourself from these attacks. This means when you cut a call off from your body-shaming
mother or block the number to that sibling who keeps cursing at you or demeaning your life, you can understand that
it's right for you. You've had enough. Number two: distance. We mean either emotionally or physically. Because physically isn't
always realistically possible, emotional distance involves cutting off the gifts you've been giving. What gifts, you ask. The gift of you, the gift of knowing anything
meaningful about you, like your interests, goals,
secrets, or memories. Those were things you
previously shared with them, and they responded by repeatedly, maliciously using that
information to hurt you. They have proven themselves undeserving, so you get to stop the flow. It's okay to say you don't wish to talk on a subject, or
not answer a question. If you must speak with them,
you can have cordial contact, also known as keeping
them at an arms' length. This is where conversations and emotions are purposefully
superficial, pleasant, and all about them, since toxic people are usually
all about themselves anyhow. You can remind yourself this
is being done on purpose for your own protection and sanity. You're not giving in to them. If possible, you can have low contact, where you interact only at
large occasions like weddings. Then there's also no contact, when even low contact
has become unbearable. So don't worry about,
what if they've changed? Once toxic family members
catch on to what's happening, they'll redouble their efforts to force poison down your throat, letting you know that nothing has changed. In fact, they're worse than before. The most important thing to
remember in all of this is that it's not your fault
that they did this to you, despite what they're screaming at you. Their repeated abuse,
despite all your efforts to appease them or talk to them, is effectively a foot
shoving you against the exit, so take the exit and let them deal with the outcome themselves. Number three: don't argue or justify. You know the drill. It's been a blissful week of peace from that condescending,
gaslighting family member, but then a call or email will come, and it'll be something that
seems to require a conversation. So you, being compassionate,
ask them what's going on, and it devolves into drama and arguments. Alert: you might wanna fight back and provide proof to support yourself. Admiral Ackbar says, "It's a trap." Oh yeah, he knew what was up. This toxic family member has reeled you in to a staged argument they know and will ensure you can't win. Their goal is to make you feel low, so they can proclaim superiority. Battles need to be chosen carefully. Determine what arguments
and battles are actually for real need to go to war, and which ones are drama and
self-made pseudo emergencies. These emergencies are false
and solvable by themselves, but they wanna feel the power puppeteering you to their bidding. It's okay to decline being suckered in. You can then conserve your energy for other things, like your own life. Number four: hold strong to yourself. You need to be your own
anchor and lighthouse. Having that strong, solid
sense of self means accepting and understanding that no one, including yourself, is perfect, and that you still know who you are, regardless of snags along the way. We understand you can feel shame or guilt, but knowing yourself lets
you know what to do about it, or even if it's warranted. Did you purposefully and consciously act with malicious intent? When it comes to that toxic family member, chances are pretty good that you didn't. There is nothing shameful or bad about simply being yourself. You do not need the approval
of that toxic family member. Maybe ignore all of those
well done, son movies. You only need the approval
of yourself for yourself. All those degrading, mean things said by toxic people are usually projections of their own shortcomings
that they aren't mature or wise enough to deal with. They instead do the cheap, cowardly move, and dump it on others. Their incompetence is not
your fault, nor your problem. The rock that is you
knows it doesn't matter that a mistake happened. It's not going to destroy you. In fact, it lets you know where you get to uncover more knowledge. And number five: find support. No man is an island, and
people work better together. Having and building that support net to catch you is important, even necessary. These are the people
you know you can lean on when your I toxic family's attempts to recapture you get hard. Support can also come from
a therapist or program, as well as new friends who have nothing to do with your family. Healing and breaking away from abuse is a process that takes time. Be forgiving and patient with yourself. This journey will have you
looking deep into your core, and more closely at others. A breakage needs to happen before you're able to start rebuilding, and you know you have
the strength to do it. Nobody, including you, deserves abuse, and you are worthy of so much more. What other advice do you
think could be helpful? Are you trying any of
the tips we talked about? Discuss and share in the comments. Thanks so much for watching
and we'll see you soon. Take care.
