How to deal with toxic family relationships | Johnson Chong | TEDxRolandPark

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i appreciate that you're all looking at me right now and you're thinking he's gonna play the piano awesome we're gonna have some music you're right to think so i am a classically trained pianist but i feel a lot of pressure because i don't think i'll be able to play for you i'd feel terrible for letting you down that's not my intention i'm wondering if you'd all be cool if i don't play we could talk instead how would you feel about that [Applause] you know it was actually my mother who wanted me to play the piano started music school at home she envisioned taking care of my children while i taught the only problem is i'm gay i don't want kids and i hate playing the piano you see every family has unspoken contracts and unlike written contracts they come in the form of expectations and obligations what to do how to do it and when to do it what do you get if you fulfill your end of the deal love and acceptance well in theory anyway in reality most family contracts are often one-sided lopsided or outright exploitative and when they are well it can be both hopeless and and desperate my father never wanted me as a son and he definitely didn't want me as a daughter we haven't spoken since i was 12. when i came out as trans i asked my mother if she could respect my new name and life as vicky she refused i wanted my family in my life but we could not have been more separated our stories are far from rare over one in four american adults are strange from their families and that could be from a parent or both a sibling or a relative and when i say estranged i don't mean infrequent emails or dinner at thanksgiving i mean completely cut off and the main causes are emotional abuse personality and value clashes mismatched expectations physical or sexual trauma and now when you tell people this they're like oh well but honey they're the only family you got i i mean but this is this is really the best that we can do are we destined to choose between self-suppression or tearing ourselves away as a last resort or is there a third path a healthier way of dealing with our toxic family relationships now i believe that the answer lies in looking at our family contracts dissecting them and then renegotiating them for the sake of ourselves and everyone involved now since we're talking about contracts you know a few years ago i was at a trampoline park and i was asked to sign a contract that said i could not sue them if i injured myself at the facility you know what i'm talking about right and i signed this contract a full 10 minutes before i needed to sue them you know we are constantly clicking agree to lengthy agreements that we don't even know what we're agreeing to it's like we've completely lost track of how contracts even work now i am not a lawyer so i asked my friend who is a lawyer what actually makes a contract work a contract only needs five elements to be legally binding one the offer which is the agreement to do or not to do something two acceptance of the terms and conditions three consideration which is a promise to reciprocate value whether monetary or otherwise four mutuality which is the understanding that all parties will perform all the duties that they agreed upon and 5. capacity everyone involved needs to be of legal age and of sound mind to enter into a contract if you think about it family obligations and legal contracts are not very different well except that the offer is often done as this one-sided ultimatum and so the acceptance of the terms and conditions of the offer are received reluctantly under pressure and then the consideration which is the reciprocal exchange of value is not always fair because it's often the other family member aka the elder family member who dictates what is fair and mutuality can only be if both parties are freely willing and capacity wise you were a minor not a legal adult when the rules start applying to you in fact most of the times your family contract gets revealed to you in stages throughout your life with statements like if you want to play with your toys then you're going to have to play the piano more if you want money for your piano lessons you're going to have to help out around the house while you're living under this roof you need to be getting straight a's and depending on what specific culture you were born into you might have extra clauses so for example if like me you are born into a traditional chinese household you get obey your father respect your mother care for your parents in old age honor your ancestors provide male heirs do i need to go on and whatever your specifics are you come into this world in debt and you pay it off throughout your life kind of like student loans if we can renegotiate legal contracts then why can't we renegotiate family ones my parents were freedom swimmers and they weren't doing the 200 meter freestyle at the ymca they were literally swimming across the southern sea from china to hong kong because they didn't have enough money for seats on an illegal boat or yet another failed attempt to escape communist rule coming from political land-owning families my grandparents were killed as enemies of the state and from there my parents sought refugee status in america and they struggled to survive in a new country with a new language and a new way of living now i was born in new york city and i grew up speaking cantonese i learned english in preschool compared to my parents my life was pretty easy to begin with and so it was no wonder that they expected a lot of me and it was also no wonder that i felt awful for not being what they wanted you see being gay went against my family contract it meant that i would not be producing any grandsons it meant that i would be dishonoring all of the ancestors who had given their lives so that i could live and i felt guilty in my younger years i was adamant about not coming out to my parents because i didn't want to disappoint them i was determined to carry my secret to the grave i even tried running away living in foreign countries but that didn't improve the situation i was still locked into my family contract now i knew i couldn't go back but i no longer wanted to hide and so that's when i saw the third path confrontation laying the contract out on the table pointing out what does not work for you and renegotiating a new contract now the stakes were high but i knew this had to be done and i decided to synthesize a five-step method of renegotiation and so the first step is to hear the other person and to acknowledge what they're saying now acknowledgement doesn't mean agreement it simply means listening and letting them know that you did so for example when my dad said to me son you're gay and teaching spirituality you're a hypocrite i just repeated back what he said i said dad i hear you because i am gay and teaching spirituality you think that i am a hypocrite this way he can hear that i understood what he was saying and more importantly he gets to hear repeated back to him the words coming out of his own mouth now if you can do this in a neutral way you will create empathy which then lays the groundwork for the second step to say how you're really feeling dad i can only love who i love and it makes me sad to hear that you you feel that way communicate your true emotions clearly this way the other person can understand the effect their words have on you now that you've laid everything out on the table the third step is to connect your stories demonstrate without blame that you understand where they're coming from and also share where you're coming from like dad i understand that it is very important for you that i value the traditions of this family and i respect our ancestors and i i do i am grateful for our ancestors and i am grateful for you for risking your life and fleeing to america but i can't change the fact that i'm gay and i'm sorry that this hurts you but i can't pretend to be something i'm not after you have related in a way that they can understand this sets you up for the fourth step to request for what you want in your relationship that i i would like you to support me even if you don't agree and i would like to be a part of your life if that's something you want after telling them what you want the final step is to invite them to click agree now it's very important to offer them the choice so that they can decide about whether or not they are capable of meeting your request so dad what do you think about that for those of you experiencing unhealthy family dynamics you can use these five simple steps now i use the example of me being gay but you could use this anytime and anywhere this structure of renegotiation can be duplicated for all unhealthy contracts now does it guarantee a happy ending it depends in my case when i asked my dad if he could support me as i am he ended up saying no so what do you do with that well having received a definite answer you can now begin the active process of separating from this unhealthy dynamic you can also begin the process of grieving the loss of a family member who you thought was supposed to be unconditionally there for you and no matter how hard it is to face such a rejection you can rest assured in the knowledge that you tried and you no longer now have to hold on to the what-ifs you see breaking up with your family it doesn't mean you have to delete the good times from your memory it takes courage to let go of someone who cannot support you as you are but if if you can find that courage the reward is that you get to live unapologetically as you breaking up with my parents was instinctual and profoundly necessary if it wasn't for that breakup i never would have been able to take the steps required to be me i think my younger self just wanted my parents to choose me and they did not so i learned to choose myself yeah i learned to choose myself too my mom and i we renegotiated we started communicating differently my dad well he's kind of like the piano i don't have high hopes of playing again renegotiating or breaking up with your family does not guarantee happy endings but what it does guarantee is you gain more courage and a new level of self-respect i mean we spend all of our lives negotiating how we relate to other people all the time but at the end of the day you can never really negotiate who you are so my question to you is this are you living your life or is your life colored by the unspoken unwritten family contracts that you're afraid of addressing so whether you are monocultural multicultural male female straight queer or exist outside of any restrictive labels or constructs whatever my challenge to you is this take a good honest look at the fine print and ask yourself is this beneficial for your development as a human being are you ready to dismantle the unspoken family contracts that are no longer sustainable and if you are and your family is willing then you get to live a more fulfilling and healthier relationship and if not and they say no you tried you did your best no regrets now you get to live life on your terms so how do you feel about that thank you [Music] [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 262,144

Keywords: Conflict, Empowerment, English, Family, LGBT, Relationships, Self improvement, Social Sciences, TEDxTalks, [TEDxEID:48748]

Id: k2oDeOmNqbA

Length: 15min 12sec (912 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 29 2022