How to Daily Deal with Anger

coming up on marriage today with Jimmy & Karen today's anger is manageable there's nothing wrong with it yesterday's anger is a very dangerous thing and it's toxic and anger is the most destructive force in marriage period it is the most destructive that's why we have to be so respectful of how we get anger out of our relationship [Music] if we're gonna have intimacy in our marriages we're gonna have to deal with this issue of anger anger is inevitable and it's normal just it's just a normal response there's there's not something wrong with you because you have anger God gets angry you will never be so spiritual that you don't get angry with no one gets to that level not even Jesus Christ Jesus began and ended his ministry by being angry and cleansing the temple and so God gets mad we get mad we just have to get to a point that we understand we get mad but it's toxic anger anger today's anger is manageable there's nothing wrong with it yesterday's anger is a very dangerous thing and it's toxic and anger is the most destructive force in marriage period it is the most destructive that's why we have to be so respectful of how we get anger out of our relationship now great marriages have anger Karen and I get angry at each other that's not the issue that's that's just the way it is but we know how to get it out early in our relationship when we almost divorced we had bought we had aged anger in our marriage that was there for years and because of that we couldn't talk about many things we fought all the time we had a cycle then we would go for a month or two and then have a huge blowup and then make up and go for another month or two and by the time that the Lord began to heal our relationship we were numb we'd fought so much that's a dangerous way to live in a marriage this is Ephesians 4:2 texts in Ephesians 4 first of all verses 26 and 27 be angry and do not sin do not let the Sun go down on your wrath nor give place to the devil the other text begins in verse 31 let all bitterness wrath anger clamor and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice be kind to one another tender-hearted forgiving one another just as God in Christ forgave you and so that's the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4 telling us about anger and all the ramifications here's what long-term anger does in your relationship first of all it destroys feelings of intimacy passion and optimism now they came to G and they were asking Jesus about divorce and Jesus says because the hardness of your hearts that you divorce each other hardness of your heart well how do how do people go from being passionately in love in front of a preacher to being vicious and contemptuous in front of a judge one drop of unresolved anger at a time anger destroys the garden of your love and you see this beautiful passionate garden of your love it's just it smells good it looks good there's such optimism there you're dreaming above this wonderful life together but you go to bed every day another drop of anger another drop of anger and you wake up one day in your heart becomes hardened that's how it becomes hardened is just one drop of unresolved anger the other thing that unresolved anger does is it creates a habit pattern for us and an iniquity for our children but parents have the most profound influence upon their children and one of the things that we need to do in raising our children is to let them see us resolving conflict righteously Jude wallerstein wrote a book called the unexpected legacy of divorce and she was talking about divorced people and the children of divorce and when people have been through a divorce they're more fearful of anger because if they see anger as a potential of ending this marriage children of divorce are also more fearful of angry of anger and they don't know how to deal with it as much the most powerful thing is I know that many of you watching many of you here have been divorced the issue is it's not a curse that has to happen the issue is we need to find a better way of dealing with anger because anger can be processed but if it isn't processed that's when we need to be concerned about it I was I was talking earlier about I was an Intimidator I did two things with Karen that were so unhealthy when I became angry and the first his verbal I would lash out of her verbally in those kinds of things the second thing is I would stop talking for days I just yeah basically you know I'm mad when I'm quiet okay and so when I got really angry I just would go for three or four days without talking it's so unhealthy so dysfunctional and I don't want to pass that on to my children and I thank God that my kids were little you know when we started dealing with some of the bigger issues of our marriage but understand you're the most profound example that your children have and the way that you deal with anger is probably the way they're gonna deal with anger throwing things cussing slamming doors or sitting down praying talking and having a rational conversation unresolved anger builds an intensity for future of ventillation what we can talk about easily today is gonna be a knock-down drag-out fight a month from now it builds an intensity and it opens the door for the devil it says be angry don't sin don't let single down your anger you'll give a foothold to Diablos first of all the devil the devil is a deceiver okay the ultimate deceiver here's what the devil does this so insidious he wants to convince you that wrong behavior will being a right result you can threaten divorce you can cuss you can yell you can you know leave you can do all this and that and it's gonna shake your spouse into doing the right thing and fix your problems it doesn't doing the wrong thing brings wrong results the second thing is he tries to convince you that doing the right thing won't work in marriage counseling over the years because I'm a biblical marriage counselor when people come to me for help I give them biblical answers you know things that the Bible says I can't tell you how many people have said to me Jimmy you just don't understand my circumstances that might work for others but it just won't work for me and basically what they're saying is the Word of God will is not powerful enough for my circumstances and even though God promises this I don't believe that that promise would be coming true for me because I accident married the devil you know and I mean I know that that verse is true for most people but I accidentally married the devil's ex-wife and I just so the devil is a deceiver he's also an accuser he accuses your spouse of evil motives okay I want to say something to you I want you to listen to what I'm about to say you know this is this is important if you've gone to bed on anger at anybody you've been counseled by the devil and you don't even know it the word devil is Diablos it means accuser slanderer when you go fresh anger is fine I still love you you're the love of my life everything's great but when you go to bed on anger and you wake up there's thinking that you have now that you didn't have yesterday and I don't know about you maybe I made a mistake maybe you're not the right one for me the devil will accuse your spouse of evil motives he will accuse them of being the wrong person for you and he will accuse them of future actions they haven't even committed yet it says that God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love power and sound mind fear is a prophet spirit from Hell to give you a negative report about the future that will cause you to make a fear-based decision that God will not honor so you're fighting you're laying in bed back-to-back not breathing because you don't want to give your spouse the benefit of the fact you're alive and you're fighting and all these thoughts go racing through your head right and the movie starts playing out tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'm gonna do this and this and this and this and this and this and they're gonna do this and this this this this this and the movie starts playing out guess who is in control that movie Diablo's you when you went to bed on that anger you open the door for Diablos and he can see what makes the devil dangerous his stealth he doesn't come as the devil it would be so much more convenient if the devil came to us and said I'm you know Satan H devil and I would just like to go ahead and come in destroy your life if I could and we slam the door say get out here devil wouldn't that be easier but he slithers in like a serpent that's why I took the form of a serpent in the garden because you don't notice serpents you're dead before you know it they blend into the environment Satan's perfect disguises you and his perfect disguise is your voice we have to learn to take our thoughts captive and to discern the voice of the devil and when voices come into our minds accusing God accusing our spouse telling us lies that don't agree with the Word of God we have to take those thoughts captive and kick them out but when you go to bed on anger you have invited the devil in we were never designed by God to be a repository for anger anger we're designed by God for anger to come in and out never for it to stay that's why the Bible so insistent on forgiveness that we it we can't endure it it damages us on every level so anger comes in and it goes and everything's great nothing's been damaged when anger comes in States it is more corrosive than anything we can possibly imagine and with that anger isn't just an emotion it's a whole system of thoughts and you find a person who's been angry all of their lives they have so many toxic thoughts it's unbelievable here here's something to talk about conflict resolution here for just a minute when were polled resolving conflict in our marriages we need to choose the right setting not around the kids so the kids are gonna watch us relate the kids are gonna watch this talk some things out but for the most serious the more serious conflict resolution we need to be alone our motions need to be under control don't wait till next week but you might wait for an hour too if your emotions are not under control the second thing is begin every confrontation with affirmation this is research listen a conversation never rises above the level of the first three minutes the way you start a conversation dictates the end of the conversation this is bise's research so it's called negative start up harsh start up if I start a conversation with you saying let me just a something I'm sick of you and I'm not taking this anymore and I've got my lawyers number on speed dial depending on the outcome of this conversation no good I'm threatening you like that hey that's not gonna be a good conversation right but if I come to you and I say to you I love you you're my best friend and I I'm so glad we're on the same team and I'm committed to our marriage I need to talk to you about something but I want you to know I love you I'm committed makes all the difference doesn't proverbs 15 a soft answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger proverbs 16 pleasant words are like a honeycomb sweetness to the soul and health to the bone see in Psalm 100 it says we enter into God's gates with Thanksgiving interest courts with praise see we're made in the image of God you can say anything you want to Timmy you're not gonna get into the gates of my heart without being thankful and you're not gonna get into the courts of my heart of hearts without praising me no one who doesn't believe in me will ever influence my life because I'm never letting you inside and you can be sitting with a person and there's a problem that you need to talk about so you're never gonna you're never gonna deal with the problem to get inside and when I'm thankful and when I'm positive you're gonna open your gates you're gonna open your courts and we're gonna be able to talk this thing out but when I come to you accusing you when I come to you angry like that there is not a way on earth you're gonna influence me right now so we're made in the image of God if we're gonna have a positive experience we just have to get over the get over the the meanness get over the the thought that the wrong thing is going to bring a right result and start out positively number three you can you talking about conflict resolution communicate your complaints and feelings without fixed judgments or interpretations let let me tell you what I mean by this there's a difference between complaining and criticizing complaining is talking about me and my feelings criticizing is talking about you and your behavior so let's just let's just say Karen said something that that I didn't like and I go to Karen and here's two ways that I can deal with this I go to Karen and I say you said this and this this and I way said it you're trying to get back at me for yesterday I know exactly what you mean by that and that's once you know I don't appreciate it you know you're a mean-spirited and Karen's going whoa whoa whoa that's not what I meant yes you did or here's what I could do I could go to Karen and say Karen you said something to me you probably didn't anything by but it bothered me and that's not necessarily your problem I just want to tell you how I feel when you said that this is how it made me feel and I just want to talk about it because I don't know what you meant by see complaining means I want to tell you something that I'm feeling but I'm not gonna try to interpret it because I don't know what's in your heart only you do criticizing means I'm attacking you and I'm telling you how you're feeling all of us get very very defensive and offended when a person begins to accuse us in other words the judge and jury have met and now all we're getting is the sentence but we weren't a part of making this thing work we also need to understand the difference between a specific complaint and globalizing a complaint okay when I can complain and you don't feel you don't feel threatened by that a specific complaint listen to these two things you told me this is a specific complaint you told me you would take out the trash and you that makes me feel stressed out because I have a lot to do it also violates me because she told me you would do it okay that's specific okay you didn't take out the trash all right here's a global complaint you never do anything around here all the responsibility is on me and you just take advantage of me all the time see a specific complaint is bringing up a cracker and handing it to your spouse and saying we need to talk about this cracker a global complaint is throwing an elephant in front of your spouse and saying eat it you never do anything how am I supposed to deal with never doing anything I can deal with a specific issue and also want to tell the difference between men and women again this is research men and women are very different women are much tougher emotionally than men much tougher and men we can't process information emotionally like women listen research proofs when a man's heart rate goes above a hundred he can't hear and it gets disoriented we see women are so tough women women can in Mormon know their emotions they can process three emotions women could just get in the trenches talking about the every issue of life and back and forth and back and forth and afterwards go anybody want to go eat lunch and men are pulling guns and knives and you know we're at war I mean you don't ever say things like that to me but when women getting women either sent you're tougher than men emotionally much tougher than MIT mostly we don't even know our emotions and so when we get into a point there is a you know an argument going on you have to keep your husband's heart rate down and by doing that it's honor and respect and the tone in your voice and all things understanding it's not a fair fight you're better than us proven in research you know hope that teaching was a blessing to you that is just really a small part of a full resource that we do called return to intimacy you know it's all about intimacy and in this resource we talk about disarming destructive anger disarming destructive fear disarming destructive dominance which affects so many marriages and also the secrets of intimacy in marriage how to understand that just the issue of intimacy because intimacy is the prize of marriage you know we get married because we want to be intimate but in almost all of our marriages we struggle we get into fights and maybe there's the vision or you know maybe there's drifting apart and this is how you can build the marriage of your dreams and deal with problems that you're experiencing in your marriage a full four part series and right now for your gift of any amount to support us here at marriage today we're gonna give you the full CD series return to intimacy four-part and also now for your gift of $90 or more if you can just be generous with us and send your most generous gift right now to support the ministry here at marriage today we'll send you the full DVD series four-part return to intimacy along with our one devotional book the one devotional book is just a wonderful book to read by yourself or read together on your date night or as a couple to help you build the marriage of your dreams you can succeed in marriage you were made for marriage god never creates anything to fail but we just need the right information this will help you here's how you can get this support marriage today with your best gift and receive the series return to intimacy in this series you will discover how to keep intimacy thriving and growing why fear causes us to react and practical steps to resolving anger conflict and dominance when you devalue and reject the thoughts of your spouse intimacy is out the window for your gift of any amount to support marriage today you'll receive the entire return to intimacy series on CD for your gift of $90 or more you'll receive the series on DVD will also include the one devotional book filled with 52 marriage-building devotions is a free bonus to the DVD teaching series the word intimacy means inner closeness that's what it means it means close on the inside recapture closeness in your marriage like you've never experienced before whatever your situation you can return to intimacy [Music] you know in marriage when you see the failure of a marriage it's always about anger I mean when when you go from goodwill and intimacy and this entire seminar the what you saw today is from our return to intimacy seminar is when you see a marriage begin to implode it's always because you're not able to process your anger in other words you know we all have anger and a good marriage has anger that when you have anger in your marriage doesn't mean you have bad marriage when you cannot process that anger you're gonna have a bad marriage and that anger is gonna continue to accumulate it's going to continue to compromise your emotions Ephesians 4 says don't go to bed on anger because the devil will come is this really give a foothold to the devil and he'll you slander your spouse to you and I just want to say this in closing this program one of the most critical things in processing anger in a marriage is giving your spouse the right to complain so the reason a lot of times that we have so much anger toward our spouse in marriage is this simply because we can't talk if I bring something up and sometimes you know we bring it up unrighteous ly so you have to be careful how you approach her spouse you need to do so lovingly you need to have the right setting for it you need to make sure that you're not yelling or cursing or throwing things or anything but we need to give our spouse the right to complain and here's what it means it means you can say anything you want to mean you won't pay a price if you tell me my breath stinks if you tell me I hurt your feelings if you tell me you know I'm it worked too much I'm not paying attention to you I may not agree with what you're saying I may not understand what you're saying but you're not gonna pay a price for saying it when we have people in marriage counseling almost always they're saying to us I'm telling you this but if I said this to my spouse they'd go ballistic well here's my point I want I love Karen I want to please Karen I mean she's my wife I'm trying to meet her needs I'm trying to love her why why would I be so threatened to hear a complaint from her see early in our marriage we had a bad marriage Karen couldn't say anything to me I'd go ballistic I had an anger problem and so did she because I wouldn't let her talk and so she was bottling up issues that I wouldn't let her talk about what we almost divorced I mean we we had no intimacy whatsoever anger had destroyed our relationship especially because we couldn't process it there wasn't anything you know that unnatural going on in our marriage but we just couldn't process it the difference in our marriage today is when Karen and I have an issue we talk about it we know how to talk about it and the most important thing that allows us to process anger in our relationship is just saying to each other I'm not gonna make you pay a price I may not agree with what you're saying you know I may not understand what you're saying and we're gonna have to talk this thing out but I love you and and I and I want to please you I don't want to hurt you I don't want to frustrate you and you're you're my wife here my husband so I want you to know if something's bothering you I want you to tell me Amy won't pay a price because if you don't say that then something's wrong you just don't know about it I mean you become more and more frustrated you become more and more divided because there's something you're not allowing me to say you're not listening to me you're not letting me complain so the anger in marriage we have to take responsibility for our own anger but we also have to let our spouse talk about that their anger and once you begin to deal with your anger you're going to return to intimacy and that's what this program is all about what's this you know marriage today is under attack there is absolutely no doubt about it it's just under attack and we raise the standard marriage today exists to come to you in to people all across America and around the world and help them to succeed in marriage we see the media we see the entertainment industry we see our own government so disrespectful of marriage the way God created it and today we see an absolute assault against the family unit and against traditional marriage marriage today exists to raise the standard God's standard for marriage and so would you help us we're asking you if you're blessed by this ministry if you believe in what we're doing the information is there on your screen of how you can call us how you can write us and send us a gift or how you can go online right now on our secure website in give to support marriage today no gift is too small no gift is too large in everything that you give to us goes to minister to marriages to keep little children together with their parents to keep families intact and to give the next generation hope that marriage works marriage works a hundred percent of the time when you do it God's Way we all have a 100% chance of success in marriage when we do it according to God's design and that's what we love to do we'd love to give people hope we love to give people help and we have seen tens of thousands of marriages save millions of people's lives touched across America and around the world but we can only do it because of the help of people like you I'm asking you if you would right now to give your most generous gift to support us here at marriage today and you can also become a monthly partner and get a special resource that only our partners get and the information is on your screen right now of how you can become a partner thank you so much for your faithful support for marriage today god bless you going through divorce is a lot to ask of children and often results in years of emotional pain it's a violent ripping a part of their parents and a sense of abandonment what sometimes we see as a quick way out can mean complete loss for a child you have a 100% chance of success in marriage you were made for managed marriage today exists to protect children from the pain of divorce antis your couples away from marital failure by telling them the truth when you stand with marriage today your individual effort multiplies with other like-minded partners and together we can rebuild a legacy of strong families around the world choose your level of partnership today and receive immediate access to the video streaming library become a rock solid partner today [Music] thank you for watching marriage today with Jimmy & Karen subscribe to marriage today's YouTube channel for more marriage building videos and updates you

Channel: XO Marriage

Views: 52,021

Rating: 4.9315591 out of 5

Keywords: marriage, marriage counseling, marriage help, marriage advice, relationships, relationship help, counseling, Christian counseling, divorce, husband, wife, issues, fixing your marriage, love, marriagetoday, Jimmy Evans, wedding, wedding planning, RTI5

Id: XR9VbLa2ql4

Length: 27min 9sec (1629 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 06 2018