If you only had seven days to kill enough
vampires to pay for your kid’s tuition, what would you do? Bud’s awful taste in women has cost him
his house, his money, and his dignity, and it’s about to cost him his daughter, that
is unless he comes up with some serious cash to cover the cost of her expensive private
school. Shouldn’t be a problem for one of LA’s foremost vampire exterminators, IF
he lives long enough to collect. Turns out, the underworld has a new overlord, and she’s
just dying to have him and his family for dinner. I’m going to break down the mistakes made,
what you should do, and how to beat the Vampire Queen in DAYSHIFT. Bud’s not your ordinary pool cleaner. I
mean, sure, for the right price he’ll fish out a possum or two, but he’s mostly concerned
with taking care of the owners, and I’m not talking about desperate housewives. Ya
see, it turns out Fright Night was basically a documentary, and now LA is pretty much full
to bursting with fanged freaks, which brings us out to this little slice of suburbia. Old
Bud isn’t really in the pool cleaning business; he’s in the killing vampire business… Once the coast is clear, he begins his usual
Van Helsing glow-up montage and creeps in through the back door. Not sure why he’d
wait until committing felony trespassing to conceal his face, but hey, what do I know?
Oh, and now he’s setting down his primary weapon to screw around with a neck-high ga-rote
wire deal. Imagine having your 870 swiped out from under your nose because you were
too stupid to buy a single-point sling. That loop on the back ain’t for hanging Chibi
charms, bro. You’re probably gonna wish you had some way of securing your gun to your
body once Nosferatu starts yeeting you through the sheet rock here in a minute. Really off to a roaring start with this op,
huh? Gonna take a wild guess and say that SBS probably doesn’t even have one racked
into battery. That’s a negative. Dude literally strolled through this entire
house on an empty chamber and has the nerve to strap up with a Taran Tactical G45. Forget
about the vamps; that’s how you get shot. Gonna be real easy for them to suck down a
pint of your cherryade with a blown out spine. Besides, what’s the point of doing all this
sneaking around if you’re just gonna give yourself away like that? There’s only one
other thing in the world that sounds like a pump-action shotgun: a pump-action rifle. If you’re gonna go ringing the dinner bell
like that, you might as well have just stayed by the entrance and baited them out into the
open. At least then you could dip back out into the sunlight if things get hairy. Clearly,
you have no idea what the layout of this place is like, and without anyone to watch your
back, Dracula could easily creep up behind you and go for the jugular while you’re
nosing through the bloomers. And what do you know? Here comes Gramma Moses
from the open bathroom you didn’t bother to clear before going all in on the linen
closet. Jesus, did you see her coming at us like that?!
Had no choice but to put her down. Oh, crap, she’s a vampire—I mean, yeah, I knew that
this whole time. Good thing we shot her. Should probably have gone for the double tap
while she was doing all that demonic yoga. Now you have to clap a wildly unpredictable
moving target before she breakdances your butt to death. Round one ends with Django getting dropkicked
through the wall, but instead of immediately getting back on his feet and posting up in
a corner to have a better view of the entire room, he decides to maintain the most vulnerable
position possible while honing in on the hole like it’s the only way she could get through. Fortunately, despite the rampant rookie mistakes,
this is far from Bud’s first rodeo, and after a healthy application of Gun Fu and
a couple New York reloads, he’s able to stake the old bat through the gizzard in time
to give her the Gurkha treatment. The fun’s not over yet though. Evidently,
her basement-dweller son had the Raycons cranked up to eleven this whole time, and he’s not
too thrilled with having to find a real job. Good thing we left that silly string up in
the doorway. Don’t lose your head, bro. Your Twitch streams
weren’t going places anyway. Hey, if it works, it works, but maybe leaving
a razor-sharp monofilament trap up when there’s a chance of you being tossed around like a
ragdoll isn’t such a great idea. And while we’re on the subject on questionable weapon
choices, what’s with the sawed-off? It took you nine shotgun shells to clear this dump
and you only landed two hits the entire time. Probably could have cleaned up that hit ratio
a bit with a firearm that allowed for faster follow up shots, like a short-barreled AR
in .300 Blackout, or a GHM-9. Also, whatever you go in with better be suppressed if you
don’t want the neighbors bringing the cops down on you. Oh, but muh California compliance. Bro, you
literally go around breaking into people’s homes and smoking them up for being mythical
creatures. We’re well past gun charges at this point. Besides, if that’s really your
concern, I’m sure Reno May’s still got a few better options for you. After yanking the fangs from each of the ghouls
and hiding his shame under one of granny’s finest muumuus, Bud heads back to his apartment
to wash off the stench of vampire before leaving to pick his daughter up from school. Gotta
admit. This is hardly the fortress of solitude I envisioned for someone in his line of work.
Sure, all those locks might buy you thirty seconds against the LPL, but what about that
huge, unreinforced pane glass window right next to it. Never mind the fact these things
can plow through a wall like someone called for Kool-Aid. As we’ll find out, things aren’t exactly
going great for Bud financially right now, so security by obscurity is probably his only
option for the time being. In that case, we might not want to head straight home after
a hard day at the office in case the vampires decide they’re tired of us wiping out their
friends and family. They could easily follow us to our apartment in a car with tinted windows
and then come back in force once the sun goes down. At very least, we should throw a tarp
or car shammy over our beater pickup to keep them from randomly happening upon it during
a nightly prowl. Buddy the Vampire Slayer rounds up his beloved
brat and takes her back to the lovely two-story house he used to call home. Yeah, hunting
down the undead is one thing, but how in the heck were you able to fool the IRS into thinking
a pool cleaner could afford a place like this in Los Angeles. Once inside, he finds his ex, Jocelyn, in
the middle of a little remodeling. Uh, oh, big reveal, and that’s not the worst
of it. Turns out she’s planning to take the kid
and move in with her mother back in Florida. Something about needing stability, and nothing
says stability like ripping a child away from one of her parents and moving 3,500 miles
away. Of course, what she really means is money. Turns out the bill for her glorified
daycare is due in seven days to the tune of $5,000.00. Oh, and just for fun, Joss decides
that she also needs braces by then, cuz, that simply can’t wait, I guess. So, basically,
Bud’s gotta come up with $10,000 in a week or else he can say goodbye to that duct-tape
wallet next Father’s day. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, as
apparently vampire fangs are the best thing since rhino horn for keeping the party going,
if you catch my drift. However, his long history of recklessness in the line of duty got him
kicked out of the Vampire Hunters’ Union, meaning he’s forced to settle for pawn shop
prices on all his pilfered pricklies. Bud takes the haul from his most recent hunt
to vampire fence and K-pop enthusiast, Troy, but even after giving him his sob story, the
most he’s able to get for the lot is a measly $2,800.00. Sure, a few grand for a few minutes of blasting
sounds like a good deal on the surface, except… it’s definitely not. You can’t just go
blowing away every old lady you see and hope for the best. You have to catch them doing
vampire crap first, and that means spending God knows how long canvassing neighborhoods,
looking in on mysterious disappearances, and staking out shut-ins just to have a chance
at cashing in. Plus, in the age of work from home, Uber Eats, and Amazon groceries, you
could very well be kicking the door in on some pasty agoraphobe, and while he certainly
might look like a vampire, no fangs means all that prep work was for nothing. And then there’s his ham-fisted execution.
How much money do you think he spends at the chiropractor after a day of fending off kung
fu corpses and getting tossed through walls? Not to mention any other injuries he might
incur on the hunt. There’s got to be a better way to go about this than just rolling in
like Max Payne and assuming you’re not gonna walk in on a Dracula family reunion. I’d
put some trail cams up around suspected vamp dens and try to get a sense of their habits.
Depending on the environment, we might be able to snipe them with a silver bullet the
second they come out at night, or even leave that cheese wire trap up in the doorway and
let inertia do all the work. Also, it seems Bud’s been neglecting a major
source of secondary income built into his profession: STEALING THEIR crap. Seriously,
these things supposedly live forever unless someone cuts them down to size, so you gotta
believe they’ll have plenty of time to loot some pretty valuable swag off their victims.
What is it, beneath you? You’re fine violating the sanctity of their homes and ripping their
teeth out, but snagging a watch or two is where you draw the line? Screw that. We should
have come out of grandma’s house looking like the Grinch who stole Christmas. It’s
not like she’s gonna miss any of it. Realizing he won’t be getting anywhere with
this slime ball, Bud decides his only option is to get back in with the Union if he wants
any chance of scraping up the cash in time. Fortunately, he’s still got a man inside
willing to vouch for him. After linking up with the D O Double G, the
two men sit down for a meeting with the boss man, and right away it’s clear Dan Halen
isn’t thrilled with the idea of him rejoining the force. Evidently, Bud’s loose cannon
approach to cleaning up the streets really had the mayor on his butt, but because he’s
such a huge fan of Snoop Dawg, he’s willing to give the man one more chance, only there’s
a catch. Sucks to suck, Jablonski. Now, you’ll have
to settle for whatever sloppy seconds the real vampire hunters leave behind in the morning. For real though, if working the night shift
was that important to you, then why were you operating in broad daylight as a free agent,
ya know, when there’s literally no one to make you do otherwise. Besides, given your
preferred approach to vampire slaying, daytime is probably the better option since there’d
be no where for them to run once you came in shooting. Not to mention the fact that
your whole pool guy disguise doesn’t really make any sense once the sun goes down. However, Mr. Mullet doesn’t stop there.
He knows good and gosh darn well, Dirty Harry here’s gonna fly off the rails and blow
up a convent the second he walks out the door, so he’s partnering him up with Regular Legs
to help keep him in line during his probationary return to active service, which brings us
to this little Turbo Nerd in Underworld Accounting: Yeah, he seems like a real Solomon Kane. As for the fangs he collected this morning,
with his Union status finally restored, he’s looking at a cool ten Gs, but you know it
can’t be that easy. After union dues and other assorted fees, he’s only able to walk
away with barely more than what he would have got at the pawn shop. Gotta love that collective
bargaining. Here’s an idea, since Bud would have had
to have known these dentine mafia jerks would try and shake him down for something, why
not just give the teeth to Snoop and have him turn them in on our behalf. After all,
they’re paying in cash, and it’s not like they’re actually going to go back and verify
the origin of each one. Even if he skimmed a little bit off the top, it’s still bound
to get us closer to our fundraising goal than we’re at now. From there, we could probably
just hock old Snake Eyes and our Jordans to at least keep from losing our daughter while
we work out a more cerebral way of stacking vamps. The next morning, the Other Guys meet up at
Bud’s storage unit to get to work. Their first stop is an old, abandoned bowling alley
supposedly occupied by a nest of juveniles. How do they know that you might ask? Apparently,
they saw some Renfield MOFO hauling a whole bunch of rescue cats in there, and that’s
all they need to run in guns a blazing. Well, Bud anyway. Turns out Allen Gamble’s got
a bit of a hang up pulling the trigger. Bro, you literally make a living counting
teeth that were ripped out of their owners’ skulls by heavily armed lunatics. Half that
cash you’re handing out probably goes straight to Optics Planet. Besides, I don’t know
what you’ve heard back in the office, but these things aren’t exactly huge fans of
the dentist. How exactly were you planning to be of use to anyone if you aren’t willing
to throw some lead…or silver. Then again, I guess we could always use a little live
bait. Might be able to kill two birds with one stone. After all, how can Seeger hold
it against us if our little babysitter got himself savagely ripped apart by vampires
because he refused to arm himself appropriately. With the dead weight holding down the truck,
Bud enters the bowling alley to handle business on his own. Gee, I wonder if he’s learned
anything from yesterday’s debacle. Let’s see, PPE, non-existent, identity, totally
exposed, and pump-action shotgun, deliberately un-racked. I guess not. Yeah, forget what I said about all the prep
work that must go into these hunts. Clearly, he’s just shooting from the hip. For Christ’s
sake, he could at least make sure the place is clear before going into collect. This is
the second time he’s blindly turned his back on the unknown to start yanking fangs,
only this time he doesn’t have his magic string to keep the uglies off his back. Better
hope Dave Franco’s spidey senses are tingling or your daughter’s gonna be schlepping it
to public school with jacked up teeth for the next eight years. Fortunately, the boss picked that exact second
to micromanage him into action, and not a moment too soon. Seth rushes in just in time
to awkwardly fumble the shotgun over to Bud, only to suddenly find himself on the wrong
end. Classic “there’s a bad guy right behind
you” fake out, cuz who needs muzzle discipline, right? With yet another goat rodeo concluded, the
boys head back to the truck with their prize. Huh, the bean counter doesn’t look so good.
Realizing what a toll this trial by fire has taken on his new partner, Bud decides to call
it a day and give it another shot in the morning. Wait, a second, for real? You guys have been
at it for what, an hour and a half today? Get Puddles a Redbull and tell him to shake
it off. We’ve got a failed marriage to chase after. Seriously though, kid’s no good to us if
he can’t kill. In fact, he’s a liability. We should have tried to blow the legs off
one of those mansquitos and forced him to squeeze trig like Wardaddy did with his own
useless desk clerk back in ‘44. No matter. I’ll make a man out of you yet, Spanky. The next day, the bat boys kick things off
with a trip to Troy’s pawn shop to round up some supplies, only it looks like he’s
gone out of business. Evidently, whoever did this has it out for our hero. Man, I wonder
why that could be. Surely it couldn’t have anything to do with the crap-poor opsec he
exercises on literally every single hunt. No way, he probably just lost his Duolingo
streak. Well, the good news is our vampire hunting
days are over, cuz we just hit the jackpot. I mean look at all these guns! All we gotta
do is go Lord of War for a little while and we’ll be able to buy our brat whatever kinda
braces she wants, that is after we save a few choice cuts for our personal collection.
I’m looking at you G36C. Of course, we’ll probably have to brutally murder the lesser
Franco to keep him from ratting us out to the ATF, but, ya know, that’s fine. What the…what? You’re just gonna take
one measly pistol? Do you not see the freaking AT4 he’s got leaning up against the wall.
Screw that, back the truck up to the door and pick this place clean before it all winds
up rusting away in some evidence locker. Might as well put it to good use combatting the
forces of the undead and/or people that don’t return their shopping carts at Freddy’s. With hardware like this, old Troy really should
have beefed up his security. After all, vampires aren’t the only thing you gotta worry about
in LA. That said, if you’re making most your living selling off their body parts,
you should probably have some specialized anti-vamp security measures in place in case
they decide to cake on the SPF and make a run on the joint, something like tripwire
UV lights or some of that silver fiberwire stuff Bud was using to cut them down to size.
Even hanging some strings of garlic up in all the doorways is going to slow them down
a little bit. At very least he should have invested in a heavier door to buy himself
enough time to slap a belt of silver bullets in his MG42. Also, gotta wonder why the ghouls wouldn’t
make off with at least some of the weapons. Nothing gets the blood flowing quite like
a five-round burst to the torso. Besides, even if it somehow violates their vampire
code or whatever, they could still at least sell them to buy more gaudy jewelry and black
leather trench coats. Stupid blood suckers. Sometime later, discount Blade and his manlet
arrive in the suburbs to follow up on a lead from Snoop Dogg, only it looks like they’re
not alone. That’s right, the Nazarian brothers, also
known as the baddest couple of tooth fairies in all of LA county. However, today it seems
they’re looking to play it safe. They offer to join forces on this op in the interest
of saving time, and with time being a critical factor, he decides to take them up on it. Right away, it’s pretty obvious why the
Naz Bros are killing it in the streets. That Saiga 12 means business, plus they actually
bothered to strap on some sort of body armor. Unfortunately, that’s where the bright ideas
come to an end. I mean, would it kill you guys to kit up a little closer to the target
house so you don’t have to cross the street in broad daylight looking like you’re about
to hack someone’s Myspace. It’s bad enough if one of the neighbors sees you, but what
if one of the vamps happens to peek out the window and sounds the alarm? The whole point
of having a disguise vehicle is so you can get in close without arousing suspicion. This
is basically the exact opposite of that. Fortunately, it seems the vamps are too preoccupied
playing some generic movie FPS to actually give a darn about the legions of armed jobbers
looking to pillage their mouths, which is probably good considering this pathetic excuse
for a stack against two pane glass windows would certainly be the death of us if the
freaks bothered to pull their heads out for even a single second. With everyone in position, Stickman pops the
cork, and the fun begins, starting with the pair of couch potatoes. Not sure why you’d
wait for them to go for the Uzi before you smoked these turkeys. I mean, after all, we
ain’t exactly in the prisoner taking business. As more and more vamps come crawling out of
the woodwork, it becomes apparent that this is no ordinary haunt. Turns out we’ve stumbled
into a hive, and to make matters worse, it seems none of our vampire slayers have been
brushing up on their Ready or Not, as they pretty much all split up the second the bullets
started flying. We should all stay together in an organized group and methodically clear
the place out room by room. Not only would this prevent us from getting isolated and
overwhelmed, it’d also keep us from shooting each other if someone popped out somewhere
unexpected. All this Deadpool crap is going to get someone killed, especially with Seth
blazing away with that 1911 as Deviant Art Mavis flops around on the floor. I’d have big bro take the lead with the
autoloader with little bro second to cover mag changes and dingus in the middle koala
hugging the guy in front of him for dear life. Bud would watch the rear with his 870 to make
sure none of the freaks pulls a sneaky on us. It’s not gonna be sexy, but it’ll
at least ensure we’ll still be able to see our daughter for thirty minutes a week while
our ex-wife is out blowing all our hard-earned tooth money on more cashmere yoga pants. Of course, all of this is yet another reason
why we need to be doing more recon ahead of each raid. If there’s even a remote possibility
of walking in on a hive, we need to know about it ahead of time. I mean, it was hard enough
with the four of us. Can you imagine what would have happened if this little milquetoast
was our only backup? Right there with you, dude. Starting to think
the boss only sent him out here to free up the headcount for his niece or something. Once the coast is clear, the gang begins tickling
the ivory. Should be way more than enough here to get us over the finish line. Oh, except,
apparently Bud can’t cash in right away as he has to take his kid to a birthday party.
Meanwhile, Joss is doing all back at the house, probably gearing up for her divorcee OF shoot
or some whatever. However, things take a dramatic turn when
Bud receives a call from an unknown number. These scam calls are getting crazy. I mean,
she didn’t even mention our vehicle’s extended warranty. That was vampire queen and real estate mogul
extraordinaire, Audrey, and it turns out that old lady Bud merc’d the other day was her
daughter. Yeah, it’s some kind of Fallout 4 Father ageswap thing. Just go with it. In any case, it sure was nice of her to telegraph
her intentions like that instead of just rolling on the party and catching us off guard. Now
we know to keep an eye out for anything suspicious, ya know, like this half-blind creeper we saw
hanging around our neighbor’s apartment last night. Knowing things could pop off at any second,
Bud cuts the party short for his daughter before strapping her into the front seat and
hooking her up to the digital babysitter. Meanwhile, Audrey’s one-eyed wonder goon
closes in for the kill, apparently forgetting his gun was, in fact, a gun. I know your depth
perception is probably a little wonky, but you should have probably started popping off
the second he saw you coming so he wouldn’t have time to Pez Dispenser your butt. With a murdered-out motorcade in hot pursuit,
Bud tears through the city streets back towards his old house, all while phoning ahead to
make sure Jocelyn’s ready to roll once he pulls up. Can’t wait to hear that conversation. You really picked a hell of a time to explain
your career to the mother of your child. Probably should have done that a long time ago in case
this exact set of circumstances started to unfold. I mean, come on, did it honestly never
occur to you that the ghouls might track you down some day? Besides, Jocelyn would have
probably been a lot more likely to keep you around if she knew that A. vampires exist
and B. you kill them for a living. As for picking her up, we should have told
her to meet us somewhere public where the vamps might be less likely to make a move
on her, although given what we’re dealing with right now, that might not be possible.
Either way, if they were able to track us to the birthday party, they were almost certainly
following us when we went to pick up Paige, so heading back to the house is out of the
question. Sorry kiddo, but if Mommy can’t make it out to us, we’re going to have to
leave her behind. After all, are you really gonna risk your daughter’s life trying to
save the woman that kicked you to the curb? Hmm, now that I think about it, letting the
vamps work Jocelyn over like a human Capri Sun would drastically simplify this whole
custody battle thing we got going on. Yeah, forget what I said about meeting up somewhere.
She’s fine exactly where she is. After losing their tail in one of the canals,
Bud finally pulls up to the house and rushes inside with his daughter, except guess who’s
come for dinner. Who could have seen that coming? Should have called ahead one more time before
barging in like that. After our last conversation, if she didn’t answer, it’d be pretty safe
to assume she’s up to her neck in blood suckers right now. In true bad guy fashion, Audrey has Bud brought
to his knees so she can menacingly spell out every step of her diabolical plan before leaving
him in an easily escapable situation and just assuming he winds up dead. For real, she actually
thought turning Seth into a vampire would be enough to slow us down for even a minute,
as if he’d be any less of a wuss as an undead cannibal as he was before. Sorry bro, you’re
not nearly entertaining nor compelling enough for us to resolve this situation without immediately
resorting to extreme violence. Oh, thank God. He’s finally dead. Dang that was even easier than I thought.
I mean, they could have at least tapped our kneecaps to make it a fair fight, or I dunno,
maybe taken away our man-bag full of dangerous weapons. Wait a minute, why’s he still moving? Ah,
man, are we really gonna do this whole Sleepy Hollow henchman thing? Can’t he just be
dead? Fine, whatever. Get in the minivan, Ned Stark. We’ve got fangs to collect. Although first we’ve got to find them. Good
thing Bud knows just where to start. Time to pay our neighbor a visit and figure out
what old one eye was up to. Being nothing but a hammer, his first instinct
is to go barging into Heather’s apartment waiving his 870 around, but instead of immediately
blowing one of her legs off and shaking her down for answers, he lets her get close enough
to go for the disarm. However, after a brief hand-to-hand conversation, she decides that
she’s a good vampire now and volunteers everything she knows about Queen Audrey, including
the location of her secret lair. Meanwhile, Seth manages to pull himself together
long enough for the three of them to gear up for the final assault. Yeah, never mind
the fact we barely know this chick and have been attacked by both these neck biters within
the last five minutes. Better just trust them implicitly not to rip our throat out the first
chance they get, maybe even let them ride behind us on the way over. Upon reaching their destination, the trio
casually walks up on a large group of armed familiars like they’re about to stomp the
yard, only it seems these guys would rather settle their differences with fists and firearms
instead. Yeah, emphasis on the fists. Half these guys just run empty handed towards certain
death, and it turns out the ones that actually do have guns were only expecting human company,
so they’re basically helpless against two thirds of the attacking force. Oh, and speaking of which, evidently the vampirus
downloads a few thousand dollars-worth of stage-fighting courses the instant you turn,
as suddenly Seth isn’t a complete and total waste of skin anymore. But just when it looks like someone left this
campaign on Recruit, a second wave of baddies spawns in to even the odds, and this time
they’re packing the holy points. Outgunned and outnumbered, our heroes dive
into cover as the walls close in around them. Fortunately, it seems one of them was able
to raise the Gat Signal. I guess it figures no one smokes ‘em like
Snoop Dogg. Hey, that was pretty cool and all, but why
the heck didn’t we think to have him with us in the first place. I mean, we’re literally
going up against the final boss of blood suckers and her whole friggin army, you’d think
we’d want to spare five minutes to let him catch up before walking in the front door. Whatever, he’s here now and that’s what
counts. Not sure how he’d feel about this, but if I were calling the shots, I’d have
him swap that XM214 with one of our vampire friends. With their superspeed, it’d basically
turn them into a ground-based mini-A10 Warthog we could use to clear a path through the horde. Oh, except, never mind because apparently
now’s when Scooby and the gang decide it’s time to split up. Sure, that’d be great
if we had multiple objectives in different locations we needed to accomplish in a relatively
short amount of time, but we’re all going to the exact same place. We should stick together
in case we get mobbed by a crap ton of vampires all at once. After all, some of us still have
to worry about turning into these abominations. Much offense intended. Now on their own, Snoop and Bud make their
way to another mob of bullet sponges strategically placed to eat up the last of our minigun ammo
so we can’t lean on it during the boss battle. Luckily, there seems to be plenty of available
firepower and anti-vamp ammunition lying around in case they all got tired of living death.
For real, it seems the ghouls are gearing up for some kind of massive turf war. Doesn’t
seem very good for business, although you’ve gotta hold onto your power somehow. I’m
sure vampire politics aren’t any friendlier than our own. Strapped up with the leading competitors in
global small arms, the Union boys do what they do best and cut a swath through the undead
further into the compound. Lucky for us they’re all way too stupid to actually use any of
that equipment they’ve been squirreling away. Otherwise, this might have taken longer
than thirty seconds. However, even unarmed, the vamps still have
some fight in them, and with plenty of nooks and crannies to crawl out of, eventually one
finally manages to get the drop on us long enough to take a bite out of our partner in
crime. Man, if only half our freaking team hadn’t taken off in a random direction,
then this might not have happened. Oh, well, one of us was going to have to stay behind
to hold back the horde no matter what, so at least we don’t have to flip for it. After sealing his fate behind the final gate,
Snoop fires off the last remaining rounds in his pistol before bringing them in close
to go out with a bang. Nah, I’m sure he’s fine. Down to the final freaks, Bud closes in on
the endzone, only to come face to face with Audrey’s right hand. But, instead of snapping
his neck like a wishbone, he just sort of throws him around a bit until Heather and
Seth can come out of nowhere to take over. I guess we’re getting all the basic bad
guy stuff this time around. But of course, villainy 101 couldn’t be
complete without a dramatic monologue leading up to the showdown, and it seems Audrey’s
just been standing around all night waiting to deliver it instead of doing any of the
things she said she’d do back at the house. Seriously, how satisfying would it have been
to see the look of defeat on your adversary’s face after he’d come all this way just to
find his fully vamped little girl feasting on the corpse of his ex-wife. Okay, well maybe
it’d be more of a bitter-sweet kinda thing, but you get the idea. Without further ado, the queen bee kicks off
her heels and proceeds to lay a big hurt on Bud a la Albert Wesker, but before she can
administer the killing bite, Jocelyn comes in clutch with a random piece of garbage straight
through the back of her heart. It’s not over yet, however, as they’re still missing
the critical second half of the wombo combo needed to take her out for good. Fortunately,
Joss’ little intervention takes her mind off Bud long enough for him to line up one
last shot, but it’s not very effective. Out of ammo, the vampire hunter seems to resign
himself to the grizzly fate barreling towards him, except he’s got one final trick up
his sleeve. Fiber wire for the win. 47 would be proud. Having saved his family and the greater Los
Angeles area, Bud leads the way back to the surface, where it seems the rest of the Union
is busy cleaning house. I guess in hindsight, reporting the location of a massive den of
vampires along with what would likely be the most valuable set of fangs to ever exist would
have almost certainly brought the collective might of the vamp slaying community down on
top of this place, thus making this whole ordeal, basically a walk in the park, but,
oh, well. Everything worked out just fine. Hell, even Snoop Dogg managed to walk away
from this somehow, so we didn’t even have to sacrifice a thing to achieve our goals.
Talk about a hero’s journey. In the end, everyone on team Bud made it out
alive, well sort of, and he even managed to keep his family together in the process. However,
had he followed our advice he would have been able to come up with the ten grand much sooner
and with considerably less effort, and could have even kept his wife and daughter from
getting swiped by the head vampire, and for that reason, I think the movie was Beaten. Moral of the story, if you’re already willing
to kill someone, you might as well rob them while you’re at it.
