If you were stranded in the jungle with a
species of hyper-intelligent super chimpanzees hunting you down, what would you do?
What started off as a simple college research trip has quickly spiraled into a survival situation,
but mother nature isn’t all we have to worry about. Between killer apes that want us dead and
our psychotic professor trying to use us as bait, our chances of making it out of here alive
are slim to none, and that’s assuming we make good decisions along the way.
I’m going to break down the mistakes made, what you should do, and how to beat
the BLOOD MONKES in BLOOD MONKE.
Professor Hamilton is a man possessed by a
singular obsession. He’s entirely unconcerned with the trivial ambitions of lesser men like money,
fame, or pleasure. Instead, his sole preoccupation is the relentless pursuit of planet earth’s most
elusive of beasts. The legendary blood monke.
And it looks like today is his lucky day.
After countless years of exploring the jungles of Africa, the professor’s men have
finally captured one of the hulking apes in a wooden cage. He better get a move on, though.
These Lincoln Logs ain’t gonna hold forever, and I highly doubt Furious George is planning
to stick around for an interview after it tears your little toadies limb from limb.
Suddenly, communications cut out, and without the ability to receive further instructions from HQ,
the critter gitters freeze up in panic long enough for their quarry to bust loose and start mowing
face. By the time the professor and his bodyguard, Chenne, arrive on the scene, all that remains
of his henchmen is a few handfuls of taco meat scattered around the cage.
I hear you, doc. It’s so hard to find good help these days.
Clearly, these clowns drastically overstated their monke wrangling abilities on
their LinkedIn profiles. I mean, they didn’t even think to run a simple comms check from the
ambush site to make sure they could contact the boss. That said, real professionals would have
only needed the radio to let motherbase know once Diddykong gave up his last balloon.
Also, what kind of trap was that? Yeah, no crap a bunch of bamboo sticks wrapped in yarn
didn’t hold the Graug. We’re not clubbing for baby seals here. Game like this requires staked
concertina wire and reinforced steel. As for the trappers themselves, one CAR 15 between
the three of you ain’t gonna cut it.
If we’re planning to give peace a chance, one
of us should have a high-powered tranquilizer gun ready to go with plenty of extra darts.
Otherwise, how exactly were you planning on moving this thing once you caught it? However,
if that fails, the other two should be equipped with automatic rifles and the balls to use
them before they get ripped apart.
Once the blood monke enters the trap, we should
tranq it immediately, and maybe throw in a few safety shots for good measure. But if I see
the bolts backing out of that cage by so much as a hair, I’m calling prairie fire emergency and
lighting this sucker up on full-auto until I can read through it. Besides, it’s not like it needs
be alive for science purposes, right?
Looks like the professor’s gonna need
himself another crew. Fortunately, he knows just where to find one. After all,
why go through the hassle of actually paying your employees to risk life and limb hunting
murder apes, when there’s plenty of eager interns out there willing to do it for college
credit. Oh, look, here they come now.
Chill out, bro tank. I’m sure your
parents said the same thing.
Now, let’s see who’s on today’s menu. We got Greg,
the loudmouthed jock, Sydney, the superficial cheerleader, Josh, the bumbling nerd, Dani the
peppy videographer, Seth, the brooding loner, and Amy, the plank of wood. So, yeah, it’s basically
the breakfast club with giant monkeys.
Anyway, this merry band of undergrads think
they’re here to document Hamilton’s expedition into unexplored reaches of African jungle,
which is why young Dani hasn’t put the camera down since they left the airport. Nice shot
there, Peter Berg. Can’t wait for Master Chief to find all this hard-hitting footage once your
little field trip turns into a massacre.
After catching a Land Rover ride from the
airstrip, the gang files in behind their edgelord leader, Seth, and his GPS as they
make they’re way up a winding trail to the rendezvous point. Eventually, the sidewalk ends,
and without any indication of where to go next, they decide to settle in and wait for
the Professor to come and find them.
However, it seems something else finds them
first. A rustling from the nearby foliage alerts the students to a pair of menacing yellow eyes
peering out from the shadows. But before the big ugly can jump out of the bushes and rip them
all to shreds, the indomitable Chenne swoops in out of nowhere and scares it off
with a well-placed road flare.
Talk about perfect timing. Lady Rambo literally
showed up at the exact moment they were about to get Blood Monke’d. Fifteen seconds later and
it would look like someone blew up a thousand pounds of lasagna out in the forest.
I know I’m probably supposed to say something about getting on your feet and trying to appear
larger to ward off the threatening animal, but, ya know, TIA. Out here, unless you’ve got
some firepower, you might as well just stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass
goodbye. Of course, that’s all the more reason why our intrepid interns should be questioning
the legitimacy of this entire thing. What kind of operation drags six people halfway round the world
just to leave them sitting helpless in a jungle full of apex predators. Might want to try asking
Chenne what that thing was so at least we have some idea of what we got ourselves into, although
she doesn’t seem like the talkative type.
After finally making it to basecamp, the students
wake up the next morning to a well-rehearsed introduction from Professor Hamilton.
Really? Even those three dudes that got Manscaped the other day?
With everyone sufficiently hyped, the gang begins preparations for the long trek deeper into
the jungle, but it’s not long before even more red flags begin piling up. Sydney confronts the group
to find out which of them stole her cell phone, only for them to realize that all their phones
have gone missing. It turns out Chenne went through their bags while they were getting
ready and swiped anything they could use to reach the outside world, which apparently includes
makeup kits. According to Hamilton, it’s just a precaution to ensure that nothing gets leaked.
He then proceeds to pass out the blood-type bracelets that clearly have some kind of chip in
them. Can’t wait to see what those are for.
Not sure why he couldn’t just ask us to hand in
our phones voluntarily. Is academic espionage such a serious problem you’re willing to dynamite
any chance of these kids ever trusting you again? If I had to guess, I’d say he’s more worried
about us contacting the authorities once we find out the real reason behind his little
nature walk. Unfortunately, at this point, it’s probably too late to take our ball
and go home. Best case scenario, he’d tell us to hoof it back to the airstrip without an
escort, and given what we ran into last night, that would pretty much be a death sentence.
I’m not saying we should go straight to bashing Chenne’s skull open with a rock and swiping
her Kalashnikov rifle, but we shouldn’t rule it completely in case things start to get
weird. In the meantime, we should have Seth mark the location of the camp on his GPS in case
we need to find a way back here on our own.
After wrapping up the Orwellian orientation,
the gang gets the show on the road, and it’s not long before the group reaches their first major
obstacle, a casual two hundred foot drop down a sheer cliff. The only way down is by rappelling,
which being standard coursework for any zoology major, everyone is totally stoked on. Sorry, doc,
looks like this is where we get off.
darn, already? I figured it’d be at least
a day before we had this conversation.
However, instead of ordering Chenne
to execute Greg as a show of strength, Hamilton shoots for the speech check instead,
claiming they’ll be the first to explore the bottom of the crater. Apparently, that’s all they
needed to hear to actually go through with this, and soon enough everyone’s making the
controlled descent into the history books, well almost everyone. It seems Josh is doing
his part as the Melvin of the group and having a full-on panic attack looking over the edge.
Lucky for him, Chenne has a knack for motivating cowards in a gentle and nuanced manner.
Strange, it doesn’t seem to be working. Quick, everyone start shouting over each other
with wildly differing commands. That ought to get through to him. Eventually,
they’re able to talk him down, albeit a little faster than is advisable.
Nice job, dork. Now we’ll have to take turns carrying you around for the rest of the trip,
although at least we know who’s getting gobbled up to buy the rest of us time to escape.
Sometime later, the expedition arrives at a well-furnished campsite that seems to have been
set up rather recently. So much for being first. Might as well pack it in and wait for their study
to come out in Nature. Oh, I guess, we’re just going through their stuff then. That’s cool.
Naturally, the students call the professor out over this discovery, prompting him to admit
he had lied about not having been here before to keep them properly motivated. As for
all the equipment, he and Chenne packed it in by themselves before they arrived.
And if you believe that, I’ve got a killer multi-level marketing opportunity for you.
So, first he has Xenia Onatopp go rifling through our crap without asking and then he flat out lies
to us so we’d follow him off a cliff. Ya know what, I’m starting to think there might not be
any college credit attached to this at all.
It’s not quite go-time yet, but we should really
start thinking of an exit strategy. Only problem is, we’re probably gonna need Chenne’s rifle to
have any chance of making it out of here alive. Fortunately, there are six of us and only one of
her, and it doesn’t seem like Hamilton’s packing any heat. When the time comes, I say we wait for
her to visit the latrine and then come over the top with a tree branch. They don’t call it getting
caught with your pants down for nothing.
That night the happy campers gather around the
campfire to pour over a mysterious giant monke skull from Hamilton’s private collection.
In fact, it’s so interesting no one seems to notice the blood-spattered zombie
sidling into the rotation.
I’m surprised no one asked if he was okay.
As the terrified students look on in horror, Hamilton and Chenne quickly pounce on
the injured newcomer and haul him back to their tent for immediate interrogation.
Okay, now it’s go-time. They obviously know this guy, and judging by their reaction, it’s
safe to say they didn’t expect to ever see him again. Plus, the fact they aren’t already on the
satphone calling in an evac chopper means they’re definitely planning to let him die out here. I
don’t care what they’ve got going on in that tent, no amount of gauze is going to fix this.
Oh, and would you look at that, now Hamilton and Chenne are digging a man-sized whole in the
ground. I guess he didn’t pull through.
Yeah, but I just can’t quite
put my finger on it.
Is there anything about this entire undertaking
that hasn’t been shady as heck? Besides, if they’re going as far as to
bury the man in an unmarked grave, what do you think they’ve got
in mind for the witnesses.
Fortunately, at least one of the students sees
the situation for what it is. Sydney’s planning an early morning exodus back to the main camp
and she’s asking for company, as if anyone would actually want to stick around after everything
they’ve been through. Now, all she has to do is stay alive long enough to lead her friends to
safety. Easier said than done out here.
At some point, nature calls, prompting Sydney
to leave the perceived safety of her tent and head for the latrine, only she’s not alone,
and this is no ordinary peeping Tom.
darn, you could have at least
tried calling for help.
If ever there was a time to use the buddy
system, it’s when you’re stranded out in a jungle surrounded by vicious predators and
criminally insane faculty members. I mean, you literally just saw some dude with the front
half of his skull ripped off. Not to mention the fact, you’re the point person on the upcoming
escape attempt. After everything Hamilton’s done to get you this far, do you really think
he’s just going to let you leave?
The next morning, Amy barges into Seth’s tent to
let him know of Sydney’s disappearance. Knowing she wouldn’t leave the rest of them behind, he
approaches Hamilton on the matter. The nutty professor claims he had Chenne escort her back
to the main camp first thing in the morning, which somehow Seth finds hard to believe;
however, his attempt at pushing back lands him on the wrong side of the under-folder.
Nothing says, “I let your friend go home,” like the implied threat of blowing someone’s head
off, although given the way Hamilton’s handling that AK, there’s a chance he legitimately has
no idea which end’s the dangerous one.
After getting the point across, he tells
Seth mutiny will not be tolerated and then orders him to rally the troops for
a ruck march deeper into the jungle.
Seth dutifully informs his fellow
interns of the orders from the top, explaining that Sydney was allowed safe passage
back to camp, which thankfully it seems none of these Neanderthals actually believes. Too bad
they aren’t willing to do a darn thing about it, though. Yeah, now’s when you storm the tent
and string Zimbardo up at the nearest tree. We’ve got him five on one, and without Chenne
around to show him where the bullets come out, he might as well be swinging
around a cigarette lighter.
Speaking of which, I wonder where
Hamilton’s hired gun got off to.
Apparently, she’s been dragging Sydney through
the undergrowth since last night. Talk about a workout. Well, the good news is that if she was
planning to kill you herself, she almost certainly would have done it already. I mean it’s not like
Sydney’s moving under her own power. That said, she’s clearly banking on us not being able
to make it out of here alive. After all, being left to rot out in the middle of a
hostile foreign jungle isn’t too much better than taking one to the back of the skull.
Eventually, Chenne gives Sydney the boot into a small stream and leaves her to her fate,
although at least she was nice enough to leave her backpack behind. Regardless, it’s
not looking good for Ms. Cheerleader right now, but she’s not completely screwed just yet.
Once we recover from that roundhouse to the face, we should head back to where Chenne teed off and
try following her back to camp from a distance. Fortunately, she didn’t bother to blindfold us
on the way out, so even if we lose sight of her, we might be able to navigate back using
familiar terrain. That said, pretty much everything looks the same out here. It’s too
late now, but while she was dragging us out, we should have dug our heals into the dirt
as much as possible to create noticeable drag marks we could use to retrace our journey.
The last thing we want to do is start wandering aimlessly. It’s basically the worst thing
you could possibly do when you’re lost, especially when there’s blood monkes
around. Oh, look, a wrecked bamboo cage covered in tattered human remains. What a
bizarre natural phenomenon. Looks like a great place to post up and await rescue.
However, before Sydney can start slathering herself up in rancid human flesh to scare off any
predators, Travis the Chimp returns to the scene of the crime to do what he does best.
Sadly, the moment she went tearing blindly through the vegetation she was pretty much a
goner. Just ask Teddy Roosevelt. The jungle is not your friend. Even if she somehow managed to
avoid getting got by Grape Ape, the elements alone would have probably done her in eventually.
Elsewhere, the rest of the group is following Professor Plum deeper into the jungle, all
the while Seth is leaving behind scraps of ripped up clothing as trail markers.
Might want to space those breadcrumbs out a bit wider there, Hansel. At this rate
you’ll all be butt naked by sundown.
A commotion from behind draws their attention
to Chenne as she rejoins the herd, leading the students to inquire about Sydney’s status,
but their concerns are immediately brushed aside. However, when they ask how it’s
possible for Chenne to have traveled to the LZ and back in such a short amount of
time, the professor becomes agitated and tells them to get ready to move out.
While their collegiate captor is busy staring at his Pokedex, the twentysomethings
gather up on their own to discuss next steps. Having had it up to here with the monkey
business, everyone agrees tonight’s the night they’ll make a move on Papa Kalash.
A few hours later, the procession comes to a halt in a clearing. Upon inspecting the
surrounding tree line, Hamilton decides this is the perfect place to make camp for the
evening, despite the fact it’s absolutely swarming with dense clouds of biting flies.
Huh, I wonder what’s drawing them all in. Maybe it has something to do with that huge slab of rotting
flesh hanging from the tree in plain sight. Yeah, don’t worry folks. Chenne’s gonna toss that
rancid rack of ribs a good ten feet away. That’ll keep the bugs at bay. Never mind any massive
carnivores that might be in the area.
Just then, Seth spots Sydney’s necklace laying
right where she scooped up the mystery meat. Smart move not calling that out right
away. We have no idea how Hamilton, and more importantly Chenne, might react
if someone accuses them of murder.
As nighttime rolls around, the gang sits around
the fire under the watchful eye of their heavily armed nanny, when suddenly they hear what
sounds like Predator jumping tree to tree.
Hey, Seth, now would be a good time to
jab that pocketknife you’re holding into her carotid artery. Whatever’s making that
noise will still be screwing around out there regardless of who’s holding the rifle,
so it might as well be one of us.
Greg decides enough is enough and demands an
explanation from the professor, prompting him to finally spill the beans on his mission to
prove the superchimps’ existence. Naturally, everyone’s mortified at the idea of
being savagely torn limb from limb by an as-yet-undiscovered primate, but Hamilton
assures them there’s nothing to worry about.
Oh, cuz that’s comforting. Remember
when a single one of them took out three grown men like it was nothing?
As for the massive improprieties involved with tricking a group of college kids
into joining his little monster quest, Hamilton confidently pinky swears they’ll be so
stoked on the fruits of their labor they won’t even remember getting hoodwinked by a madman
into serving as a source of cheap labor.
Now that everyone is either pissed off or
terrified, the professor decides they should all just call it a night, but as you might
imagine, the students are having a hard time drifting off into dreamland. Instead, they
decide to stay up by the fire and loudly discuss their plans to hijack Chenne’s rifle
some five feet away from Hamilton’s tent.
Seth boldly volunteers as tribute to go in for
the steal once everyone’s asleep, except why wait? Everyone here now is on our side, although
now might be a good time to bust out Sydney’s necklace just in case any of us are having second
thoughts. Besides, if we all work together, we could stage a more effective ambush.
That Chenne is no slouch. I highly doubt Seth would be able to creep inside her tent without
getting a new hole in his head. Instead, we should have some of our smaller and weaker group members
like Josh and Dani cry Blood Monke while Amy, Seth, and Greg post up somewhere close by.
The second Chenne crawls out of the canvas, we work her over with whatever we can find until
she’s nothing but a pelvis wearing a belt. As for Dr. Hamilton, I say we put one through each of
his kneecaps and let his screams of agony draw in the wildlife while we slip away.
Of course, it couldn’t hurt to have some kind of back up plan if things go awry.
Fortunately, Josh has us covered.
What are you trolling us right now? Put that
thing away before something gets curious.
It turns out Hamilton’s still milling around
in his tent, so the gang turns in while they wait for him to fall asleep. Suddenly,
a freak storm comes out of nowhere and starts pissing rain, or so they think.
I’ve never seen rain so yellow and heavily concentrated before. Oh, god, and why
does it smell like bananas and throw up. Nah, that couldn’t be rain. Must be the scent
of infection wafting off Josh’s sprained ankle. Apparently, that’s what Dani and Greg think it
is. Dead serious. They even make him stick his leg outside the tent to keep the smell out.
Little do they realize, this is just the opportunity big monke has been waiting for. One
of the apes seizes Josh by the ankle and drags him off into the jungle at breakneck speed. The
sounds of his screams alert the others, and soon enough a half-baked search party is formed,
with Greg sprinting off ahead by himself.
Dude, I know you feel bad for allowing your
unbridled stupidity to condemn your friend to die, but you should probably just let it go. Like what
are you actually planning to do if you manage to catch up to this thing, ? Besides, it’s probably
already ripped his spine out by now.
Those of us that didn’t get yoinked into
oblivion should use the opportunity to put the sneak on Chenne, although we’d
better be darn careful how we go about it as she’s probably going to shoot first and ask
questions later. Regardless, getting control of that weapon should be our top priority right
now. Without it, there’s literally nothing we can possibly do to fend off another attack.
Elsewhere, Hamilton sends Chenne out towards what they believe to be one of two apes terrorizing the
group. Let’s hope he offers life insurance. Oh, look something’s moving. Better pop off a few
rounds to see what it is. If videogames have taught me anything, it’s that only monsters
and bad guys are vulnerable to gunfire.
See he’s just fine.
I’d mention something about not pulling the trigger until you know
what you’re aiming at, but she probably couldn’t care less either way. Besides, she
seems totally fine with this outcome.
Not one to let a good tragedy go to waste,
Chenne removes Greg’s belt and ties him to a nearby tree for a little live bait action.
She then doses him one more time for good measure before setting the mood with a road
flare and posting up a few yards away.
I admire such a practical use of available
resources, but her use of the flare seems counterproductive. Just the other day you used one
to scare off one of these exact same creatures. Why wouldn’t it have that same effect now? Then
again, I doubt Greg will be that lucky.
Also, we should try and establish a direct
line of sight from much farther out, preferably with our backs against something solid.
Primates are known to have phenomenal vision, so setting up right outside the kill zone like
this is certain to get us spotted when they come in to investigate Greg’s screaming.
And, of course, that’s exactly what happens. Seriously, how did you not see that coming?
You were so close to the flare the light was reflecting off your face. Unfortunately, by
the time Chenne realizes she’s being watched, it’s already too late, and she only manages to
squeeze off a few poorly aimed shots before the blood monkey rings her out like a sponge.
Well, that’s just great. If Jane Wick didn’t make it, there isn’t much hope for everyone
else. Speaking of which, I wonder how the other students are holding up.
Hmm, looks like they’re huddled together next to a big rock. Honestly, this is probably
the best decision anyone’s made so far. I mean, it’s not gonna keep the apes from messing our
day up if the really want to, but without any means of fighting back, our only chance of
survival is to appear as non-threatening as possible. Nothing to do now but sit tight and
hope Greg’s wailing keeps them distracted long enough to forget we ever existed.
Not after saying that, you won’t.
Again, what exactly is your plan once
you get to him. For all you know he’s watching three of the bastards skip
rope with his larg e intestine.
However, before Seth can find out, Professor
Hamilton ambushes him out of nowhere and pins him against a rock at knife point,
although it’s probably for the best. Old Greg was only about five seconds away
from getting his hairy coup de gras.
Just then, the professor notices
Chenne’s looking a little bent out of shape and rushes to her side. Eh, crap,
looks like they got the AK too. Gotta feeling this one doesn’t end with a group hug.
Realizing he’s distracted, Seth takes advantage of the clear opportunity staring him in the face and
jams his knife through Hamilton’s windpipe. Nah, he actually just stands there and calls him out
for using them all like human Powerbait.
Dude, this guy was literally just about to kill
you for trying to save your friend. Nothing you say to him right now is going to make him
see the error of his ways. And besides, Old Ahab’s just getting started.
Oh, yeah, this whole operation just reeks of success right now. You do realize it doesn’t
count as a discovery if you die without anyone ever finding out about it, right?
Summoning every last ounce of his old man strength, the mad doctor falcon punches
Seth so hard it nearly knocks over the set piece. With no one left to frustrate
the relentless pursuit of science, he uses the bird dogs embedded in the blood-type
wristbands to track down Dani and Amy so he can get this little documentary rolling again.
Despite outnumbering him two to one and being right behind him as he stares
obsessively into the tracking device, the girls just mindlessly follow their tenured
tormentor as he homes in on the beacon attached to Sydney’s wrist. Sure enough, a piece of her
is still hanging around, which Hamilton thinks would make a great thumbnail shot for when he
uploads this whole thing to YouTube.
You heard the man. Start rolling. This
will be perfect for the blooper reel.
Apparently, we’re left to believe that
in addition to forming complex traps, these things also have an innate grasp of
GPS technology and the foresight to know that Hamilton would ultimately come looking for
the arm. I guess these must be the apes that went on to blow up the Statue of Liberty.
Fortunately, before they’re left to actually make any decisions for themselves, Seth cashes in his
last remaining respawn to lead them back to camp, only it looks like the Blood Monkes beat them
to it, and that’s not all. It seems they also made off with all the trail markers Seth left
leading back to base camp. But don’t worry, ladies. Les Stroud’s super positive he remembers
where each one was. The breadcrumbs were just there in case you smooth brains got
separated after things went to crap.
Well, better start running aimlessly through
the jungle. Ya know, it’s too bad no one here actually thought to bring a compass with
them on this adventure. Then at least we’d know which general direction to run in
before we’re ultimately chased down and savagely beaten to death with our own arms.
Speaking of which, looks like Dani just got, got. Yeah, you already know what I’m going to
say, but screw it. Leave her behind! Unless they’re willing to wager her life in a battle
of wits, there’s absolutely no chance of you being able to do anything to help her, and
even then, I’d still probably bet on the chimps. Whatever. At least you got her camera.
Now we can record our last will and testaments before the same thing happens to us.
Realizing the apes must be close by, Seth starts chucking flares like it’s
DRG, seemingly buying them enough time to make it to a nearby cave. Hey, look, it’s
decorated with all the trail markers.
