How I Mastered DETACHMENT & Went From Anxious To Secure In 10 Steps

I think the best way to find Detachment and find not self-love because that's such a broad spectrum idea but to find self-acceptance and to find self-confidence and just just to detach from that really anxiously attached lifestyle is to let go of the person whose love you're trying to win it comes from somewhere it always does it's Daddy Issues it's mummy issues it's some kind of issues for me the number one step and I think the biggest most pivotal thing was trying to let go of my father liking me growing up as a kid you want your father to like you you want your parents to like you I know you know what I'm talking about and that wound of wanting to please people wanting to get people's approval wanting to have affirmation from people and confirmation from people comes from the fact that say your father in my case didn't see you didn't witness you I'm not saying he's a bad person I'm sure he has his reasons but he wasn't in my life he was in my life until the age of five when my parents split he wasn't interested I don't know his reasons he had me very young people in Eastern Europe did at the time so he might be a person who wouldn't act that way now but at the time he did and as a child that computed to me that I have to win some kind of man's affection and that's not I literally didn't think of it that way I didn't think I've got to win some man's affection but I thought I've got to win someone's approval someone's affections someone's attention and it has to be a person who I guess isn't interested in me intrinsically just like my dad wasn't and then once I win their approval they'll see me and I will have won I will have won the approval of that person who didn't see me and that's not literally how you think of it but that is how you try and soothe yourself and your brain that's why we're attracted to people like if your father was a raging alcoholic you'll try and subdue some kind of alcoholic if your mother was too busy at work you might find someone who's a workaholic and do the same thing you will try and win love from the type of person who didn't see you I think I got to my 30s until do you know what he what healed this thing for me was having my own child having my own child and seeing my partner father my child in a way that exceeds expectation in terms of commitment love and his presence really took a turn where and this is the pivotal part I no longer want his approval or affection or attention honestly literally I feel like you know when they talk about first Life Second Life and Buddhism like reincarnation I feel I've now reincarnated into a different modality a different person so if my father was to come and be like let's have a relationship I literally wouldn't be mad but I don't need it anymore and I think that that pivotal point and I don't know how you personally can let go of that person you're trying to seek approval from but that is the pivotal step in letting go of anxious attachment and detaching and being present in your own Journey because once you cut the tie from that person you're trying to impress you're going to cut the tie from the myriads of people who you kind of think emulate them and you're going to actually be attracted to people who are secure and people who are incredible for you as opposed to trying to emulate that relationship the second thing that helped me become more detached empowered is I realized that I don't want to nor can I control people and this is such a really interesting thing to think about because essentially when you're not detached and you're attached to outcomes you're and you're attached to people and you're anxiously attached your modality of your brain thinks that if I can control this situation and if I can control the outcomes of what's Happening Here I will be safe number one I realize you can't control other people you're the only person you can control but number two and most importantly is nor do I want to I don't want to have the job of controlling wild random strange people who are in my life in order for them not to hurt me or for them to cause me to be triggered and anxious I don't want that role I don't want to be the metaphoric pooper scooper of people who are otherwise not competent and I'm there trying to make them be okay in life and control them because that control is so stressful and so tiring and so exhausting my role is to be myself and their role is to be themselves and if they do not want to be with me for example as you say in your example they don't see me they've ghosted me I don't know whatever's happening with you let it be it's not your job to you know guard them to control them to guide them in the right direction number three is I realized I don't want to be loved for my performance I don't want to be loved and seen for what I can do for somebody or who I appear to be in their life because that anxious attachment and lack of attachment denotes that if I'm pretty enough I'm skinny enough if I'm curvy enough if I'm long-head enough if I'm whatever enough I'm smart enough if I know enough people if I do that thing and the other thing you will then love me you will then see me if I'm popular and famous enough if I'm this one and that one enough you will then see me but this is the caveat if they see you for all these performances that you can put on and at the end of the day God whoever Genie Allah whoever you believe in comes down and says all right then I like you but they like you for all these attributes that you have decided to gain your beauty your money whatever do you want them to love you for that and that's the only thing they love you for no you wouldn't you want to be loved for yourself and I realize that if I jump through hoops for people and if I try and perform and if I try and be someone I'm not I'm going to be loved for something that I'm not and that's not what I'm here for number four I realized that changing who I am for somebody is not the key to long-term love a lack of Detachment and an anxious attachment is a fear that people are going to leave you I suppose right or that you're disposable or the fact that you need those people if you can't detach from people or ideas is that you need them in order to complete you and be yourself I realized that having that connection to that person and not being detached from them and being so anxiously attached is not the key to long-term love the keys to long-term love is genuine affection and attraction to one another and respect so if you're there hustling trying to make this person like you and I know a lot of you are in situations where this person doesn't even see you I get messages from you where it's reels and reams of these people's messages where they're disrespecting you and ignoring you what is the outcome you're trying to have are you trying to negotiate with them win them pivot them into liking you do you really think that that is the solution for the long-term love and you're afraid that somebody might leave is this the person this guy Jake over here who can't even return your phone call and is so flaky and isn't even sure about you you think that's the guy who's gonna heal that for you he's not number five is the key is not control its connection I think a lot of the lack of Detachment and a lot of anxious attachment is about thinking that you can control someone because intrinsically somewhere in your life you didn't feel loved enough somewhere in your life you didn't feel seen enough and therefore your cure to that problem isn't to meet somebody who's gonna genuinely like you back your cure for that is to find someone trick them coax them do whatever it is that you want to do the performance that you want to have into making them like you the key is not control it's connection the key is finding that person who you generally connect to and then you can throw your hands up and go do you know what even if I'm with this person for 10 years it will be the best 10 years ever and then if it goes wrong it goes wrong you know we don't know what life holds things can happen that are unforeseen even like not things like them believe in you but just things like human things we understand right people aren't permanent we're human and we're alive so it's just about enjoying the moment with a genuine connection not one you've coaxed out of somebody number six morbid but here is how I think I realized that if I'm born alone and I die alone then it is my duty to do the best for myself I'm with myself when I wake up I'm with myself when I go to bed I was with myself through my childhood I was with myself through up through the Downs you're the same you're with yourself through everything and it's your duty to look after yourself it's nobody else's duty to look after you unless it was your mother and father in your childhood and even sometimes you feel like that can let you down but I can implore you that you are born with you and you will die with you so your attachment to somebody else and I don't mean a happy a happy healthy mutual bond I mean an attachment to someone where you can't detach or you think about is them the outcome of your life and who they are and who you are together and it's this sickly feeling of if they don't reply to you straight away you're like convulsing with with fear that you will literally disintegrate into nothingness it's your tribal brain thinking that you are extirpated extrapated whatever the word is exiled from the tribe and you just go into a lizard brain meltdown understand that it's not the way people's Journeys are so vast and different and the days are long but the years are short and before you know it you will have lived your story and the only duty you have is to yourself and people who I believe you have decided to take under your wing children pets whatever who didn't have a choice of being in the matter you owe them something and yourself and number seven is I became comfortable with who I am and what I look like a lot of the things that I positioned my self-worth on because I guess maybe my Eastern European background and I mean in the world the background of a lot of women is positioned on what they look like but I divulge the fact that maybe I wasn't lovable or interesting or anything because I wasn't very cute I as a child I didn't think I was very pretty or at least I wasn't told that so I thought oh do you know what if I do Miss Universe if I become somebody with beauty or presence then I'll be seen and I'll be worth it and lo and behold I wasn't so I did Miss Universe I did maximize my looks to the best potential which by the way is a whole other video if you want to see it I believe beauty is manufactured and can be it's about elegance and Grace it's not so much always about the features you have I understand there's some features that are obviously aren't arguably beautiful and some that aren't but I will say that everybody has potential and movie stars back in the 50s and stuff they knew that how to maximize that but that's a whole other video so I just worked on who I am until I realized part of self-acceptance and confidence and love for yourself is knowing that a lot of your face holds the heritage of where you come from your nose shape your face shape holds the features of people in your ancestry line who looked at each other and thought each other was beautiful at a certain point unless of course something weird happened and it wasn't consensual but let's ignore that part all your features your combination of features is all these people all this lineage of people who survive from eons and eons an end of time from the beginning of time these people were intelligent enough to survive these people were wildly enough to survive these people were tenacious enough to survive rigorous enough to survive and wherever they were my ancestry is very Nordic and Arctic so in the snow for me these people were surviving in the snow for me to have the audacity to to not like who I am or what my face looks like it's not always about beauty but it's about pride of your heritage and who you are and I think everybody should have that and carry it with pride because your features are a combination of these people who once looked at each other until each other was beautiful there is something about that they chose each other again and again and again through ends of time to survive and you are the result of it oh my God so sometimes when you see yourself as something that is taken such a long process to create and Jake over there is not returning your calls you just think you know what Jake ah people survived in the snow to create me and you're there not returning my call just I'm gonna miss you eight understand that the faster someone leaves the better a part of non-detachment and a part of anxious attachment is I need to convince them that I'm worth staying for I need to convince them that I'm good enough I need to convince them how about we stop convincing how about we stop convincing and we turn it into if you're not for me the faster you leave the better like I do not have a Lifeline that is up to my elbow around my neck and down to my other wrist I don't know how long all of you are living but you know I think we've got under a hundred and hopefully over 60 years to live right so how is it that you feel the audacity to hold on to somebody who doesn't even want you what are you doing what are you doing trying to convince someone who doesn't want you to be with you why don't you celebrate the fact that they don't want you and let them go just let them go be free birdie like I am not in the business of holding anyone against their will and again there's some arrogance in that where you feel you can convince someone because you feel you love them or they're for you they're not for you love is consensual and mutual if it's one way it's not love it's an idea it's a proposition you have about yourself and it's the arrogance and almost the childlike idea that if I feel I want you then you must want me back that's not the truth life isn't always going to be what you want but please let these people go if they want to go let them go oh my God life is not forever and the faster they go the faster you can find somebody that is for you number nine understanding the self-possession and confidence is the key to Beauty that's not actual Beauty and it's the key to magnetism it's not like being mysterious and cool and all these things that movies teach us to be people that are most magnetic are most amazing and create the life they want other people who are self-possessed and just have a calm confidence they're the person who comes to a dinner and is a trying to like over talk everyone guys guys guys it's the person who's got like a calm cool ad because they know who they are even when they're telling the story they're not jumping over people to say it if you watch an interview and if there's a couple of celebrities together on the sofa the most magnetic one is the one who's not trying to talk over everybody and the one who's always like trying to jump in with the jokes trying to jump in with the jokes trying to talk over the host you're like oh my God you're so annoying and they might not be annoying they might be the nicest person there but that kind of behavior turns people off desperation is really unattractive I'm just gonna tell you and I want to be soft on you and I want to say you know what baby if you're desperate it's because you've been hurt at the end of the day the world doesn't care and the universe doesn't care if you're desperate you'll be served desperate and that is um the way it is if you if you're desperate things will be hard to get it's like a Law of Attraction type thing next I think I realized that I'd rather see who someone is than preempt their behavior I'd rather let someone have the freedom I'd rather detach from them and let someone have the freedom to act as they will as messy as they will as ridiculous as they will be who they are and then either judge their behavior and be like wow this person's really impressed me they have nobility and humbleness and character or wow look at this Winery the way this person's behaving is true swinehood actually I like pigs so who do I not like I like most animals anyway it's disgusting Kaka Behavior and that's not for me what we do is people who can't detach and people who want to attach to people who are anxious and and all this stuff as we cling onto it and we always try and like play goalie and and try and preempt them actually hurting us don't get attached in the first place then when they act in this disgusting way you're not taking it onto you you're not like oh I've been hurt you're like oh that's not for me it's like when you order in a restaurant you're not attached to that food it comes and you're like oh that doesn't look great you don't marry the food already you don't shove it in your mouth before it's yours assess it have a look send it back if you need to again this is your life and this is your rules you are the one who's looking after you and you're the other the right to send the food back don't commit to things that you aren't there for so if the person is ridiculous and is going to hurt you why don't you assess them take a minute to look at what they're doing and stop trying to preempt it like if that person say they're gonna go out and you feel like they're not honest and they might cheat on you let them go see what they do as opposed to being like yeah but who you're going with yeah but can I come yeah but but is there going to be girls there is there going to be guys there why don't we step back and see what this person will do because if this person's a cheating type would we not want to know at the beginning then when we're married with Children last but not least and this one's for the girlies I'm moving into my feminine energy girls my life started to change and flow when I discovered this for myself I stopped pushing I stopped I went to drama school for three years and a part of being an actor is then going to auditions and trying to get a role and I would be everywhere try and audition for everything try and do everything and push hard masculine energy and when I shifted there is a course in my description box called 20 feminine energy principles I can't sit here in this video because the two-hour masterclass and tell you about what each one of those is and what stepping into it means but if you want to have a look check that out but basically once I employed all those things things started to flow in my inbox work-wise money wise friendship wise friends who I didn't want fell away friends who I wanted came in my life like my relationship skyrocketed that's the main one in this true authentic way where you don't push and it gave me this sense of flow which is feminine energy it's flow and even if you're a guy watching this maybe it's time for you to step into your masculine energy maybe the opposite is for you to strive for you to achieve for you to decide for you to Yang y-a-n-g like Yang energy maybe that will be healing for you but for my ladies it's that feminine energy where you stop pushing and you go you know I'm gonna create from a place of authentic and self-knowing and self-knowledge and truth and authenticity and everything that is meant for me will be attracted to me guys thank you for watching this video if you're a real one give it a like if you're a really real one then subscribe I'd really appreciate it thank you so much leave me a comment of what you want to see in next week I love you lots like jelly tots and check out my podcast bye [Music] thank you [Music]

Channel: Margarita Nazarenko

Views: 988,118

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Id: CPZnScHa1d0

Length: 21min 1sec (1261 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 15 2023