How Did Your Parents Mess You Up? | Fiona Douglas | TEDxPuxi

[Music] was there anything that your parents said or did during your childhood that you wish they hadn't was there anything that hurt you that left a scar you can still feel today perhaps you've come to forgive your parents for those moments of weakness because you know they loved you and did their best or perhaps you're not sure about their love for you and you have to live with that uncertainty every child is at risk of suffering in this world full of imperfect adults and childhood scars cut deep shaping our entire lives I was speaking with Nana my 89 year old grandmother about this talk and she started crying telling me that her parents never told her that they loved her I didn't point out that the closest she's gotten to saying those words to me has been a lots of love scribbled in birthday cards because I know that she loves me she's just never felt comfortable expressing those words that means so much to her even the best of parents have deficits in their parenting skills and those deficits cause children to feel unloved and the lack of parenting education leads to unsafe parenting which can cause trauma and even death in childhood in the u.s. five children will die today because they have not received good enough care from their parents as five children to many every single day of the year in just that one country in the UK it's one or two children every week child abuse and neglect is not an evil that can't be prevented it's the form of unsafe and uneducated parenting in China the leading cause of death among young people is suicide children don't just kill themselves because of biochemical imbalance more often it's because they feel unloved unwanted or unworthy of a place in this world for too long parenting skills have been taken for granted and parenting education has not been properly established it's time to invest in widespread parenting education to prevent trauma and save children's lives over the past 10 years I've worked with hundreds of children who have been abused neglected and traumatized I started by volunteering as a counselor for a national children's telephone helpline in the UK and hearing the cries and screams of children suffering down the phone was more than enough to propel me into making this my career though I waved goodbye to dreams of working in her glossy office building as an undefined business executive and went back to university to undertake a Masters in Social Work this qualification led to me working for local government which men was often my duty to take children away from their parents for their safety and put them into the care of approved strangers for children's homes but for the past three years I've been continuing my Social Work practice in Shanghai as the director of a Child and Family Therapy service here I don't have the power to take children away from their parents like I did in the UK but I do have the opportunity to lead a team of child specialists who work with families to improve parenting skills working in China has given me much greater insight into the flaws that exist in the UK's system of child protection and then one of the most major issues is that parenting education services are in very short supply they're reserved for those who most need them it's not easy to figure out who is most in need of this support I believe that it needs to be offered to everyone if we care about keeping every child safe in the UK in China and all around the world here's why so let's start by taking a look at just some of the ways in which parents mess up their children you know in reality parenting deficits are as complex and varied as humans are your parents had their own unique set of deficits and now you do too and that makes spotting the harmful deficits pretty tricky especially in today's world in which we've become exceptionally skilled at projecting a perfectly filtered image of our lives on WeChat Facebook Instagram Twitter though many social media platforms because what these projections don't show is the truth like the fact that we struggled to pay attention to anything other than smart devices this is Kyra at 7 years old and the truth behind this photo is that Kyra didn't make it to her eighth birthday because she died of malnutrition some of you might presume that Kyra is from a developing country where children starving to death is a common occurrence in fact Kyra was born and raised in the UK one of the wealthiest countries in the world you might now be thinking that Kyra must have been from a family with little to no money unable to put food on the table this was not the case Kyra lived in a household with enough money and when she died there was a bowl of fruit on the table and cupboards full of food in the kitchen in fact the only thing standing in the way of her survival was her parent her mum who was overweight and unhappy about it Kyra's mum was on a diet and she enforced those food restrictions on her daughter purposefully using this as a cruel form of discipline with fatal consequences but it doesn't have to be this way you know I've worked with many families and very similar situations and through intensive parenting training my colleagues and I have successfully helped them to change their eating and discipline habits as parents any of our inner struggles with food anger stress perfectionism can hurt our children and further education about our child's needs can help us prioritize them but I am worried that we're becoming so addicted to smart devices that were becoming more and more blind to our own inner struggles and the inner struggles of our loved ones too as parents for example it's very easy to become blind to the impact of the pressure the fear of failure that our children feel a few months ago I was reading a news article about an 18 year old boy called Xiao fan from drum Sioux province he'd recently taken the Galco exam both of his parents had good jobs which required them to stay in Beijing so they frantically called him on results day desperate to know his score so he told them he scored 470 a brilliant score that would secure him a place a top university his parents were so happy and at the end of the summer they came home to see him and celebrate those celebrations never happened because shall fan killed himself the truth was he only scored 170 he had lived with the shame and guilt of his failure all summer and he couldn't face the consequences of his parents finding out the truth his pair put pressure on him because they wanted him to have the best life and the result was no life at all they loved him but did they ever tune in to the depth of his fears and the weight of the pressure he was putting on himself did they even realize before it was too late that they're consistent expressions of love warmth and support mattered more than anything in the UK because many parents are blind their own deficits we've created professional roles like mine focused on spotting those deficits for them ideally before it's too late this is baby Peter from London he was just 17 months old when he was killed by his mum's boyfriend after suffering eight months of beatings while his mum stood by this all happened despite Peter being on an official local government child protection plan and being seen by professionals 60 times within that time period the trained professionals only saw his mum being good to him and they believed her lies the truth is that our parenting is always a reflection of our best self and our worst self in some ways Peters mum was a good parent but she hid her harmful deficits from the world you know I've worked with so many parents like her and every time no matter how criminal or horrendous their actions have been I've seen their love and heartbreak just such little expression of it so in summary we know three things and they are number one it's very hard to distinguish between abusive and non abusive parents as a social worker myself I can testify that it's impossible to know which parents are being honest and which aren't and I've found that I cannot reliably predict which parents will go on to harm their children tomorrow and which won't many parents are blind to their own deficits and no professional can ever really know what's going on behind closed doors because we only see what you see a filtered image number two systemically removing children from every parent there is ever a suspicion or concern about would constitute a violation of human rights and is not a solution we already have over 70,000 children currently living in government care in the UK and most of them are not having a good time and number three parents are people with the potential to learn new skills no one imagines being a parent who will hurt or hate their child but it happens and if being a parent is one of the toughest and riskiest roles that we can take on in society then why don't we receive any education or training about how to do the job well the current lack of parenting education leads to unsafe parenting so who thinks there's time for parents to go back to school thank you [Applause] research shows that for children of any age parenting that is warm sensitive and supportive provides the greatest chance of a child developing strong academic abilities good social skills and emotional resilience it's the quality of the relationship between the parent and child that matters so parents need to be educated about how to discipline and communicate with their child without fracturing that relationship this means that as a parent you can give yourself permission to express so much more love and praise than disappointment and there are strategies you can learn that will help you to discipline out of love and logic rather than anger and frustration for government agencies this is a call to research and implement systems for parenting education the World Health Organization says that parent guidance programs are proven to reduce violence and significantly improve parenting skills leading to less behavioral problems in the child and better mental health for their parents who likes the sound of math through investing in the development of everyone's parenting skills more children will survive and thrive and less children will go on to become unstable adults addicted to violence drugs and alcohol China already has a progressive new family violence law in place and its success depends on a system of parenting education and when you think about it isn't it reasonable to ask for at least the same level of systematic teaching a measuring of competence for parents as there is for drivers on the road for businesses service providers and NGOs in this sector I recommend view to provide parent training programs there is a need and a demand just like there is for birthing classes and yoga with goats parenting skills need to be modeled learnt and developed over time with support feedback and guidance I see and hear first and everyday parents in China seeking information and training about how to be a better parent and struggling to find a class whether you're a parent or not you're someone's child so I challenge you today to take a step outside of your comfort zone and express more love or praise than you've ever done before to your child your parent or grandparent your partner or yourself whoever you target will have an inner child who needs this just like my Nana and it's never too late to start leading a more fulfilling family life a safe and secure childhood starts with educated parenting this is a call to action to take collective responsibility for providing the education and resources needed for every parent and child to have the best possible chance at family life thank you you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 296,462

Rating: 4.9213495 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Social Science, Childhood, Children, Education, Emotions, Family, Parenting, Policy, Society

Id: i_w5vfWPuMo

Length: 18min 0sec (1080 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 03 2018