Translator: Ellen Maloney
Reviewer: Samuel Titera I've something very important
to tell you today. I’m so glad I was invited
to this particular TEDx meeting. I really am, because
it’s all about dreams, and that’s what it’s all about, and no kidding, that’s all I do. I also drink water. When I was about 36, I had just gotten through a very bad year. I’d gotten a divorce, I had no money,
I was in New York City, I had two very small children. I couldn’t get a day care center,
so I couldn’t take a job. We stayed in welfare hotels in New York;
that’s worth writing a novel about. They have cockroaches,
so I would tell the kids, we could name the cockroaches, and we played "early computer games"
with cockroaches on the wall. (Laughter) But we got a day care center, I got a job, we got an apartment,
and the kids were in school. And I was washing dishes
when I was 36, and I thought, “By God, we made it." The kids were great, I cried a lot, but we did it. We did it, that’s good,
I’m proud of myself. And then I had another thought. I thought, “Is this it? Is that what I get? Is my gravestone going to say, "Her house was frequently clean for very brief periods of time?" (Laughter) I was going to do something;
I don’t know what. I didn’t have particular talents, I wasn’t very good at things. But I figured, I just have a bad attitude, because that was about the 60s,
and everybody learned about positive thinking,
and "believe it and you can achieve It," and “create your own reality," I thought, “Hey, 36,
maybe I’m really old and ugly and nobody will ever love
me again, okay. But that’s not so old;
I might live a while, I’m going to see if I can figure out
what the hell my dream is and go get it!” So I went to everything. I stood in rooms where
they all stand up and say, “I can do it! I can do it!” And I did that, but I still couldn’t do it. And they said, “Think positive”,
they said, “Create your own reality”. I didn’t believe that, and you know what? I was raised in the 50s. In my day, if you said
you could influence the universe to do what you wanted, or turn peoples sentences
backwards, we called a doctor. (Laughter) I am not a "New Age" lady;
I am an "Old Age" lady. And so I just gave up. I thought, “Well, I guess
I’m going to be average; somebody’s got to do it.” And I tried to forget about it. Then something astonishing happened
that didn’t just change my life; it has already, in the ensuing years,
changed the lives of thousands and thousands of people. And that all started in my second job. I had a job in the evening
where I ran an "encounter group". Encounter groups were something
that the psychiatrist had learned in the drug program,
where people attack you, until you cave in, and they scream
at you, and yell at you, and you holler at them,
and everybody feels better. I was there and he said,
“You’re hired; you can be a leader.” Because I was good at it; in my family,
we always hollered at each other. (Laughter) It was a natural ability,
I didn’t think much of it, and I had groups every night after work. I had one on Tuesday night, which is going to go down in history. In this group there was somebody named Ronnie. Well, that’s what I call him. I’ve been telling this story
so long I don’t remember his name. Ronnie was different. We used to call him "Type B". He didn’t have any feelings
he was aware of. He came because we were
basically his social group. But he leaked hostility. It just came out of him, and everybody laying their eyes on him
really wanted to hurt him. We had to walk him home after the group,
but we were used to him, we liked him. And he was very valuable. Because people would come in
who couldn’t get to their feelings, this one woman came in and she said, “I quit law school to put
my husband through law school; I became a waitress,
and put him through law school and then after that, he divorced me, and married somebody younger and prettier, and took the house and everything. Naturally, because he’s a lawyer
and I couldn’t afford a lawyer, but that’s okay I guess, you know, if I wasn’t enough. But now he wants the kids because he says he can give them
a better life, and he really can, but I feel funny about it.” I was looking at the group
and they were going “Grr!” I said, “Listen, you’d better get angry, or they’re going
to find him and kill him." And she said ‘I’m not angry.” I said, “Try.” She said, “I’m angry, I’m angry.” I said, “Ronnie, would you put
your fingers in your ears?” He did. I said, “Look at Ronnie.” She said, "Eww, I wanna smack him!” (Laughter) And she said, “Ronnie,
what do you dress like that for? You idiot!” And she switched over to her husband
and she got mad at him, and she just went off like a volcano. Oh, it was so satisfying
for everybody in the room. (Laughter) When she was done,
she looked strong and calm like you do when you get to your feelings. She said, “I can’t believe
I’m letting him get away with this!” And she said, “Oh Ronnie, I’m sorry!” He said, “I’m always glad
to be of service.” So, he was very helpful. When I’d have a go-around
I’d say, “Do you want to work tonight?” Somebody would say, “I had a fight with my boyfriend,
I'd better work on my feelings,” and I’d say, ‘What about you?” And they'd say, “No, I’m good.” I’d say, “What about you, Ronnie?”
just out of politeness, and he would always say, “I’m fine.” This particular night
that shall go down in history, I said, ‘How are you doing, Ronnie?”
and he said, “I’m depressed.” I said, “Oh! A feeling! Um... Why are you depressed?” He said, “I hate my apartment.” I said, “Why don’t you get another one” They were very easy
to get then, very cheap. He said, “I can’t get another apartment
because I’m too depressed.” I said, “I think I fell for something.” And someone raised her hand and said,
“You didn’t fall for anything. If you saw his apartment,
you’d be depressed too.” I said, “Oh. Reality. I like reality. Okay, why don’t you guys go out,
get a Village Voice, and find him an apartment, we’ll have a painting party,
I’ll bring a potted plant, and if he’s still depressed, I’ll send him to somebody
who’s had some training.” And they said “Okay!"
and they brightened up. You have to understand,
these were neurotic New Yorkers. New Yorkers do not mind
showing you that they’re neurotic. I was raised before that in Los Angeles
and they’re crazy too, but they cool it. In New York they go, “I’m neurotic!” They don’t care. So these people cheered up,
you could see it. They went out, got an apartment,
we had a painting party, it looked great, and the next week we had a go-around
and I said, “How are you, Ronnie?” He said “I’m happy!” I said, “Wow! That’s great!
“OK! So who wants to work tonight?” He said, "Wait a minute." I said, “Yeah?” He said, “Well now I want a woman." (Laughter) I said, "A woman?" He said, "Yeah, "I have
a place to entertain now." We had to be emotionally
honest in these groups so somebody, a woman, said to him,
"Ronnie, women hate you." (Laughter) He said, "I know; fix me." (Laughter) And they said, "Fix you?" I said, "Why not? What the hell!
Stand up and let’s take a look." Ronnie, he didn’t look good. He had one positive attribute:
he was extremely clean. That’s where it ended. His pants fit wrong. He looked wrong. He talked wrong. So the women took him to the store
and got him better clothes, and the men took him to the gym
where he could stand up straighter and not be in danger all the time, and when it was his turn
to work on Tuesday nights he would stand up and try
to pretend he was, basically, a human. Somebody would come
to him and say, “Hello," and he would say, “H-u-llo!" And she’d say, "Not like that,
that’s disgusting!" He’d say, "Give me another try," and finally after about six months, he said, "I think I’m
as good as I’m going to get." We looked at him
and said, "I think it's true. "Okay, let’s set a date for a party
and let's go find some women." After that, everybody would
come in every week saying, "I got one! I was in the supermarket and I saw
this woman standing there; she had one can of cat food
and one frozen dinner, and I said, 'You want to go to a party?" Someone else said, “I was walking
down the hall of my apartment building with trash, and I heard somebody crying. I saw too many wine bottles in the trash,
so I knocked on the door and someone came
to the door and said, 'Yes?' I said, "You want to go to a party?" (Laughter) We got innocent visiting cousins
from Ohio, and we had the party. It was a triumph. Nobody talked to Ronnie. (Laughter) But he'd learned how to make
hors d’oeuvres, and he was very happy. And when it was over I said,
"You know what, guys? Keep throwing parties; you never know,
Ronnie could find somebody. But it’s good for everybody, I want you
all to do it, it's good for everybody!" They said okay, and they did! And he found somebody. She was actually quite cute to look at,
but she was very peculiar in her head. But, hell, it was Ronnie,
and so we were very happy. They didn't come as often, but she would drag him in to confront him. She liked that idea. And I don't remember what
she would confront him for, except for one thing,
and this is what happened that night. She came in, dragged him in,
somebody had been working, her dog had died and she was crying. When she saw them come in
she said, "It's okay, I'll wait. They walked in and I said,
"Yeah what's up?" she said, "I have to confront Ronnie because he uses too many adjectives
and I think he does it on purpose." And I looked at her and I said, "I wouldn't take that
from any man; take him down." So she went, "I’m angry, Ronnie!" And he said, "I’m sorry!" Then they were done,
they hugged each other, they walked out of the room,
they were so happy. Somebody looked at them
and said, "What a pair of dingbats." I said, "What's wrong with this picture? Ronnie is the only person in this room with a good apartment, who is not
sleeping alone, including me." I said, "Listen, listen. What if we got together every week
and you told us what you wanted?" "We don't know what we want." "Well, we help you figure it out and then we made you do
what you want to do? I mean the world makes you do
what you have to do; you have to pay your taxes,
you have to show up, what if we made you do
what you want to do? You could have your dream;
you could have any dream!" They said, "Barbara, we’re too neurotic." I said, "What are you talking about? We could put a man on the moon,
we got Ronnie a woman!" (Laughter) And we did it. Amazing things started to happen. Right in that group, we got somebody
into law school and through law school, and she started a law firm
with another woman. Somebody adopted a kid,
and somebody went to Cairo. We got wonderful things. So, my wish was to create a workshop,
and I did, and everybody helped me. I went around the country; didn't make
money but I had a lot of fun. I went around the country teaching people how to be
in these Success Teams, because they were just great. Then at the end, I’d say, "I’m going to prove it to you;
give me an impossible dream." These are all true stories,
I couldn't make these up. I was in Greenville, North Carolina, and I said, "Tell me an impossible dream;
I want to show you something." A woman stood up and said,
"I want to dance with Patrick Swayze." That's from "Dirty Dancing." So you could hear women say, "Yeah, you and every other
woman alive on earth." Another woman waved her hand. I said, "Does anyone have ideas?" A woman raised her hand, and said,
"Patrick Swayze's mother has a resort 30 miles away; I work there weekends. He comes Wednesday,
I've danced with him, I'll take you up;
you wanna dance with him?” (Laughter) (Applause) That was nothing. Somebody stood up, she was crying,
she said "I want an animal refuge for old dogs and old animals. They just don’t get treated. It’s terrible, even farm animals," I just said, "What’s your obstacle?" I'm going to teach you
about "wish and obstacle"; that is the secret. If you don't learn it, nothing happens. I said, "What’s your obstacle?" "What’s my obstacle?! I don’t have any money, land, license,
any training; I have nothing. I can't do it!" Someone waved her hand, they always do, and said, "My friend's mother
just was in an auto-accident, she hurt her back, she won't be able
to run her refuge anymore. She can't find anybody
young to run it for her. She’s got a license, the money, the land,
she’s even got the animals!" (Laughter) And it wouldn't stop. Oh God, I’ve got so many. There was a woman
in a group and she said, "I make harps; I make them from a special
kind of wood they have in England, and now it's gone. The last tree is gone. There is no tree left,
I can't make any more harps!" Someone in the back
raised her hand and said, "Are you talking about such and so?"
and she gave a Latin name, and she said, “Yeah!" She said, "My brother has a big stand
of those in Australia. Come back here, I’ll give you his number." Every time; it never fails. This is a funny one; there was a lady in New York,
a very weird looking lady, and she got up in the aisle, and said, "I need a chimp.
I’ve got to rent a chimp." I said "What? "I've got to rent a chimp." I said, "A chimpanzee? You want to rent?" She said, “Yes.” She said, "What I do
is during lunch hour, I go through the big corporations
with a chimpanzee and a bunch of cute toys for kids, and everybody comes out into the corridor
because I have a chimpanzee and they buy all the stuff. The chimpanzee costs me about $200 a day,
and I sell about $400 a day, so I'm making a living. But they just raised chimpanzee rentals
up to $600 a day; I’m out of business!" A woman in the back,
dressed very nicely, said, "I think we can do better than that." I said, "You rent chimpanzees?" She said, “Yes, and giraffes,
rhinoceroses, and horses." (Laughter) I said, "In New York City?" She said, “Yes." I said, “Why?" She said, "This is where
the commercials are made. We’ve got trainers too. We’ve got everything." I thought, "Blow me down. You never know who you’re talking to!” We’re all the center of enormous amounts
of information and connections that we don't need
and we don't think of, unless somebody asks us. I began to realize that I had found
the absolute guaranteed secret to success, and - boy! - did it have nothing to do
with positive thinking. Oh boy, nothing. (Laughter) Here’s the punchline: Isolation is the dream killer,
not your rotten attitude. You can hate yourself,
you always do, you know it. You wake up and go, "I'm fat." You know you do that. If you wake up in the morning
and say, "I'm here!” your wife will kill you
in your sleep tomorrow night. (Laughter) And I'll help her. You can't walk around faking feelings,
I mean to yourself anyway. I just feel bad that everybody started it. That says, “Cross out Positive Thinking." And this says ”Here’s a team." Right? Not necessarily closest
friends or parents, because they’ve got attitudes about you. Strangers are great, absolutely great. So here's what you do: You get a team. You figure out what you want,
and then you say, "Here is my wish,
and here is my obstacle. Here's what I want,
and here is why I cannot have it." If you don't say both those
things, nothing happens. We are problem-solving animals. If you say, "I’d love to be a ballerina." Everybody goes, “Mmm." If you say I’d love to be a ballerina,
but I’m 44 years old. Every mind starts working. Even if people don't like you,
they'll solve your problem: "I heard about, 44-year-olds,
there's one in Boston. There's a new ballet troupe, I read
about in a magazine, I’ll find it." People want to help. Amazing things will happen to you. I’ll give you my last stories
because they’re so good. Someone called me from Toronto. She was a Success Team
leader and she said, "We have an accountant in Toronto,
I have to tell you the story. We had a group with six people;
there were five women, and this guy. He was so helpful;
he knew everybody in town, he got them bank loans,
he introduced them to everybody. But he never wanted anything. Finally they said, "Listen,
you have to tell us what you want. We can't take anything from you anymore!' And he said, "I can’t tell you;
it’s too stupid, you’ll laugh at me." They said, 'Oh no, absolutely not. Barbara Sher says, "You never laugh at anyone's dream." He said, "Okay, well,
I want to be a cowboy." So naturally they all laughed. (Laughter) Someone said, "What’s the obstacle?" He said, "What’s the obstacle? I don’t even know if there are cowboys,
I liked cowboy movies as a kid and I wanted to be one, that's it. I don’t know if there are cowboys. Second, I’ve got a business;
I can’t walk away hoping to find a cow. What are you talking about?' Someone said, "Wait a minute,"
and called her roommate. She remembered her roommate
had an uncle in Alberta who was a rancher. And soon he called. And we said, "Turn on the speakerphone." The guy said, "I hear
you’re an accountant. I’d like to fly you out one
week a month to do my books." And the accountant said,
"You can do it online." He said, 'I know, I don’t want
my business on the internet." And then the women kicked him
and he said, "I want to be a cowboy." He said, "You can be a cowboy;
just finish in a couple days, and you can on a drive
we always have them." He said, "You have cowboys?" He said, "Yeah, if you had steak
this month, somewhere there's a cowboy." So he did it. He sent back photographs. He went out, he became a cowboy, and he does his Toronto
accounts on the Internet. But the best story of all, and the one
I want to tell you most of all, happened in Memphis in the summer. August was very hot, and I was asking
for impossible dreams. A woman in the front row raised her hand, and I said, "Yes, what is your wish
and what is your obstacle?" So she said, "I'm tired;
I want to go on a cruise." "Okay, what is your obstacle?" And she said, "Well, I have three: money,
I have a sick daughter at home, - an adult daughter, I can't leave her
for a second, I could hardly get here - and I'd rather not mention the third." And before I could ask
if anybody had an idea, a guy came running up the aisle
in a white t-shirt with a number on it, a pair of shorts, waving a piece of paper,
and he grabbed the mic and he said, "I ran for the Heart Association
this morning and I won a cruise for one. My wife isn't going to let me go
on a cruise for one; you take it!" Everyone got excited and applauded
that she had her cruise and didn’t have to worry about money. She said, "That's sweet,
but I really can't leave my daughter." A woman on the aisle raised
her hand and she said, "I'm a public health nurse
and every year, to keep our license, we have to give ten days
of pro-bono free work, and I haven’t found anybody
and it's already August, so can you use ten days?" Everybody got excited and I said, "I think you're going to have
to tell us your third obstacle." "Well, it's embarrassing,
but my daughter’s in bed because she's been physically
injured and she's frightened. Her ex-husband is stalking her." And the room fell silent. I mean everyone thought, "Oh, shit!" A voice came from the back of the room. I never saw this man’s face, I will never forget his voice, he said, "I'm a cop, what’s his name?" (Laughter) She went on the cruise. But here's what I want to tell you: We depend on each other's
dreams coming true. What do you think's going to happen
now that she went on that cruise? It’s just a cruise. But her daughter’s going to get well;
she’s not scared anymore. Her daughter's going to become a teacher. She's going to understand
kids who are scared. She's going to understand kids who are
physically scared because she gets that. Every time you make someone else’s
dream come true, it echoes. No magical New Age way,
it echoes in practical, wonderful ways. You have to, you have to. You have to figure out what you want,
you have to ask for help, and you have to remember
"wishes and obstacles." And you have to let people help you because you have to go after your dreams,
and never tell me you can't do it. Just remember: we got Ronnie
a great apartment in New York and a woman, a crazy woman,
that he loves with all his heart. We can do anything. That’s what I wanted to tell you. (Applause)
I love you, Ninja20p.
<#
"Brains are not those types of machines that make decisions based on facts so what is it, what does it, it's not information. Information doesn't move us, desire moves us. And desire grows around our most potent personal truth, our identity." -Tom Asacker
"And I'll tell you how to look out for the advise when it's coming. Here's how y'know you're about to get really good advise from those who love you. It starts with the following phrase; Y'know what your problem is?" -Richie Etwaru
"Instead of trying to tell someone, y'know have you tried these things, I'll give you some tools to help someone and maybe help yourself, and that's to be openly honest." -Elizabeth Medina
"And that's where we're stuck, is we haven't really learned to understand our own emotional life." -Alan Watkins
"In the moment, you'll feel centered, you'll feel calm, and you'll feel relief. Insights will follow, and with consistent practice, you may even be able to unhook from old life stories." -Joan Rosenberg
"Our mind is hard to change once we become convinced. So it might be very natural to feel demoralized and defeated after you fail." -Guy Winch
"Is there an upside to quitting? Should I seek mastery, autonomy, and purpose elsewhere? Was I using my panic disorder to make this decision or was I using my heart?" -Summer Beretsky
"Now the thing is when somebody's anxiety is high functioning that means they work in society. In fact we work really well us shy-louds, we have such a heightened sense of worry and such a fear of failure that we are often high achieving and perfectionists." -Jordon Raskopoulos
"Our microbiomes are the centerpoint of our immune systems, meaning a disturbance down here can cause subtle immune reactions all around the body, which if prolonged can affect brain health." -Ruairi Robertson
"Those with low levels of glucose, were once again more hangry and aggressive with their spouse, than those with high levels of glucose, because they had less energy for their brain to exercise control over angry feelings and aggressive impulses." -Brad Bushman
. . .
previous collections
"You can choose to take action based on what you want. And when you do that, you give yourself the opportunity to step out of the past, and create the life that you truly want to live." -Jennice Vilhauer
"In the mastering of this beating thing that is more than just sending blood to the extremities. What is it doing? It's sending emotional possibilities, infinite possibilities of choice in our behavior, in our life, in our attitude." -Sean Stephenson