How a Culture of Honor works: A Conversation with the Armstrong's

[Music] how will people ever learn from their mistakes if we don't punish them and isn't it human nature to punish people who fail so we're going to talk about in this segment we're going to talk about really the fruit of the approach in a culture of honor and how it really set you up to succeed you were surrounded by a supporting cast in the leadership and the way this whole situation was handled we refer to it over and over as the culture of honor and there's a lot of dynamics that go to that if people watching this or familiar with that you are the living examples of that process happening why do you think you didn't get fired from your from your job you you were a pastor held this vulnerable position of trust it just seems natural that you would just get expelled yeah a couple reasons why one the first one is you know what was my response at the very beginning I was fully owning my mess and wanting to clean it up but not just that a lot of we we have a lot of history where we are family and I grew up with a lot of you and I think you valued leadership valued the relationship aspect being a son or a daughter means in those moments you don't get rid of a you can't get rid of a son or daughter you just can't get rid of them just because they made a mess and I think that approach was one of the reasons why I I didn't get fired in the first place coupled with the idea of I really wanted to clean up my mess and I was really going after it yeah so one of the keys here is is repentance yeah you know like oh I got a problem I made a huge mess yeah I'll do whatever I have to to clean this up yeah you know BAM that was you early you know I saw you at the crossroads there the the fork in the road like what am I gonna do what am I gonna do because there was you know there was terror in your eyes what did you think was gonna happen well I you know I thought my job was done I I didn't even have any question oh my god okay this is ministries gone all that's gone do whatever you need to do to clean this up with your wife and kids yeah like I that wasn't even my thing you asked me a question early on actually we're sitting in your office and you said so what us coming back to ministry look like and I was surprised you even asked that question because I didn't think that was even on the table and I said well it doesn't look like anything it if I don't have my wife and kids yeah I remember you saying that which which is you prioritizing what you're gonna be going to work on yeah and so the adjustment around you was really to facilitate that like ah you're gonna spend a year yeah focus with all your matter on this relationship right here so you there was an adjustment in the role that you played yes billon ministry you're no longer a revival group pastor you are an admin support person yeah so that you have some juice to point at this right here and the the children yeah that was so so the adjustment wasn't you got punished the adjustment was you you don't you don't have what you need for this spot here yeah you're gonna be working on this you get healthy when you have open-heart surgery mmm you don't try and run a race mm-hmm and you guys knew I'm in surgery and he's willing to go through surgery right now it's not smart to have him work in this capacity yeah while he's having surgery he's got some healing to do yeah yeah very good this got tough this got scary you had lots of eyes on you there was you know we said before you know the our public opinion there was that and then you know the girl involved here she's in the environment you're gonna cross paths with her why don't you guys just take off won't you just run for the hills it was tempting yeah I a lot of that was real yeah it was definitely there we again wanted to have that completion of healing so that okay if we are gonna move on that this is complete first so that was something that we held on to in the process of being in the environment all together basically I was stuck on that because I wanted my kids to know that we actually clean up a mess where you made the mess hmm and if we run away I'm not really cleaning up a mess the pain of that thing goes away I've already made that mistake in my life we'll just punish we'll cover it up never talked about it and it'll go away and it'll go away but it wasn't sup coming back yeah which got scary when he got his job back for me I was like oh we've been in a good place we I know we've been you know and now he's good he's gonna be doing it again so he with interns again he serves as a admin support person you know we're on the stage we show our family of it and that during that summer you get re reassigned to ya revival group pastor and it was reviled rip pastor only know out I mean it was very no preaching no start here which was good but my intent hasn't interns again yeah you have students 70 plus students in your life every day and we're right back to where we were yeah we just crawled out of the same same spot where they haven't come around the corner and this girl is working in the coffee shop yeah and where you go every day and where I meet with my students all the time and your children cross paths in the school here lights camera action yes why don't you run away now they just ran right into your office I ran I really didn't into relationship rather than from it yes I ran back into Danny and Dan fairly also through this time because Danny is travelling a bit more but they helped put me at ease again they're like okay look how far you've come yeah let's keep going look at the momentum you can do this you're not going back here yeah alright going forward do this why does redemption look at ya huh so we did were community we're a family we don't need to cut out body parts to him to be healthy yeah nobody's nobody's diseased now everyone is doing their best yes I remember meeting with the girl I remember you know we offered her all the same support and services you guys were obviously trying to save a whole family and you jumped in with both feet and she you know she took a different path than you guys did but she's still she's still in our environment yeah to this day she's still in our environment and you are still going to cross paths as a as a you know a person in community here yeah most people run away mm-hmm most people call a fresh start yeah most people won't face the maturity required of a mess like this yeah so again you know like I keep coming back to your my hero's being punished and being cut off is easier than becoming a disciple of love yeah and walking in the reconciliation and restoration of family yeah you know the leaders around you they did some things that were helpful what stood out to you because of my roller coaster emotions and roller coaster just everyday up and down they're really steadfast and believed in us believed in Ben that was him we chose us right along with ya oh there's a lot of good choices in here and it takes a lot of good choice yes it really does I I mean I was always sometimes questioning in the back of my mind as I mentioned Danny had just wrote a book about what we're talking about yeah yeah I had this written culture of Honor of the year before I think I thought maybe they were keeping Ben along because they were testing out if the book really we're just propping this book up yeah yeah wait if we don't do this like I just wrote a book that says this works no but I beyond that I married because you guys didn't give up on us and you believed in us and you saw the best in us and you champion that and we couldn't thank you enough yeah this whole team you know we were bringing the hope I remember saying that number times yes Sharon I had gone through so many tough years and tough yeah tough yards and I it just gave me the hope like I walk into a room with people who are working stuff out I go yeah you look kind of hopeless that's right I brought some I brought I brought enough here take a drink you know I brought some with me that's what you're doing yeah now that's what you're doing yeah everywhere you go yeah you brought the hope and what was good for me is that my leaders didn't react to my emotion yeah so that helped a few sometimes some of how I thought maybe that they should panic along with me yeah like Connor needed to be in counseling Danny would just think it's gonna be fine just trust distrust and a lot of that I think gave me a stability to keep going along so thank you and honestly you guys never told me what to do here's what here's what you need to do I continue to ask questions but one thing that really helped me from my leaders were hard questions I can remember sitting in the office with Dan fairly and he said you know sometimes there's a point where and you need to answer this for yourself but maybe you're just not cut out for ministry you need to ask yourself like there's pressures in other that would never create this environment or opportunity for this day to happen but there's something about this position that is unique that creates this pressure and and you need to ask yourself can you handle this you may be called to this but maybe you can't handle it and I had to ask hard questions like that I had to continue like what is cleaning up your mess look like you know you would ask me these questions and like that's a great question let me go a that goes oh maybe maybe I need to figure that out and so I would go away and I figure that out and I or I'd sit there and and we grapple through like I think it looks like this and I think I got messes here I'm still working on this and well what about this and mm-hmm those were those were also important I remember talking to Bill one Sunday morning and tell him you know I totally betrayed your trust and betrayed our community here and he's like yes you did and that was that and your point yeah and and he let me sit in that for a minute and that's the worst thing you can ever hear from God and he's been my senior leader since I was three years old like this is this is a dad in my life yes you did will you forgive me yes I will yeah and this is the gospel yeah you know this is the application of the blood of Jesus you know that he gave us and that we give to each other yeah you know if we will forgive one another he will forgive us yeah you know like wow really yeah really look at this yeah this is what it looks like this is what it's supposed to look like we've been given a Ministry of reconciliation that's right and the leaders are living that or they're not yeah and when they are it creates a culture it creates a place where people can be restored people can be reconciled people people can be a community of love you know this is how this is this is what it's supposed to look right here this one so I'm so happy about you guys I'm so it's it looks like this there are other folks you know that are doing it they're doing it every day you know you guys are down the road aways here like that's why I wanted to bring you in and say hey you know let's let's show the hope let's show the power let's show the love I can't say it enough but you know the love casts out fear yeah and when we let that fear rule our situation over and over what happens is we we take a situation you know a broken relationship a disagreement some sort of disconnect and we take the issue you know adultery deception of some sort some betrayal or just a disagreement I think you're wrong yeah okay and we and the anxiety the fear of this thing rules our relationship yeah yeah and this is this is classic this is what happens over and over in these situations in leadership environments the fear rules the relationship yeah it wants tons of control it's gonna tell you what to do it's gonna it's gonna try to create a situation that looks like it's in hand like we as leaders we have this all in control we have installed a remote to these people and they are doing exactly what we say they are in charge like it's a it's a mirage it's a total Mirage because we didn't fix the problem yeah we do fix the broken spot yeah so getting to that broken spot and you guys both of you both of you going yeah what's in here you know Barry and Lori got involved yeah they were wonderful in that process for years they are amazing people in it and yeah school ministry folks I'm our garage JC's all these different ones that just stepped in and yeah you know and they set up healthy boundaries for us yeah we kind of get ideas of boundaries as control but the boundaries were actually there for my promotion yeah and I learned actually boundaries are healthy they helped me get to be known and they helped me rebuild trust and as I do those boundaries started to expand because I was controlling me it was called self control and never knew that but and they taught you the value for setting boundaries for yourself yeah yeah because that was externals because there was a day where you thought I can totally handle this situation that situation I you know I can handle anything maybe not maybe not a great idea maybe not a great idea to invite that in you know how many pet rattlesnakes do you want yeah well I shouldn't ask you hey loves reptiles yeah you know how many Pet Cougars do we have at our house none none because they hurt people yeah you know so setting boundaries if you were gonna give leaders who are watching this if you're gonna give them as some advice what would best set them up for success dealing with a situation similar to yours because pretty much every leader I can think of has something like this into their world yeah what what advice would you give them to best set them up for success to handle it well things like I'm do I - trust the process trust timing doesn't happen so fast and that to me was so encouraging that they trusted the process that I didn't have to get better in three months and for me I always have a time limit on like votive delivery and that kind of thing so even in this I thought it was gonna have to be a fast process and I think if it would have taken Ben two or three years to get better they would have still been believing in us and championing us in that and then also being there being available being here that was huge mm-hmm so this access be patient yes yeah okay yeah I think some things that were great with you guys and and what I I think is healthy for all leaders is don't freak out that emotional deal is always there trying to get us to respond and that's best when the punishment comes that's when the fear of what what's the community going to think about what we do and rather than what's god say we should do and so all of a sudden panic sets in fear sets in fear man sets in all the leaders feel vulnerable yeah they're vulnerable like whatever and everyone's looking at them saying what are they gonna do some of the things that were really important for the process that I I try and help leaders with is well what do they want to do what is this couple what what are where's their heart at what is their choice if their choice is a work good with the mess or I don't see a mess what does that look like then it looks totally different than when what we were choosing we're choosing yes we want to clean up the mess yes we want to go after this so I could ask good question yeah empower the people to learn and grow don't try to control what happens from here it may you know if either of you decided you know what we're we're gonna run away we're not gonna you know I I wasn't my fault that uh there would have been a limit yeah oh yeah there would have been a limit which is you know what we love you from over here yeah you know you won't be in here this is a safe place this is where this is where high levels of trust and respect are required if that's not something you want to participate in it's not up to us we love you yeah because you did say we want to stay in here then our decision is how do we help restore in here how do we empower you how do we preserve you know sons and daughters fantastic you guys are beautiful thank you so much for the time you know the just pouring in really appreciate you guys yeah Congrats saving our marriage thank you thank you marriage I watched yeah thank you [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Loving on Purpose

Views: 10,313

Rating: 4.9545455 out of 5

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Id: JKiMIMpz9kY

Length: 20min 22sec (1222 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 12 2018