How to Really Help Someone with a Problem. - Danny Silk

hi I'm Danny silk I'm the president of loving on purpose and the author of keep your love on and culture of Honor I'm here today to present you with a free webinar that comes right out of our series people helping people starting with the first session whose problem are we solving my goal in this time is really to equip you so that you can walk away with the confidence that you can help anybody with their problem that you can help get to what it is it's actually disrupting somebody's life and help transform them into another stage of functioning in their life I worked with people for 30 years I've I've had so many different people helping experiences that whether you are a youth worker a youth pastor a pastor of a church you are a social worker a professional counselor maybe your school teacher a coach maybe you are a HR director wherever it is that you are your main job is to work with people problems I think this course is going to help you a lot sometimes we start solving problems from of this place that doesn't help it's not the right place to start we we didn't get off on the right foot we didn't get the right information we're looking at the wrong thing I want to help you start smart and finish strong in helping people the same time I want you to know that if you don't know where the end of your life starts and the beginning of another person's life starts you're going to get exhausted you're going to be trying to control things that you don't control so I want to help you set good boundaries in this series and I want to help you be in the best shape you can be in to help as many folks that come your way so be sure to download the study guide in this course and take the assessment there's an easy ten question assessment it's really going to help you look into the rest of the people helping people series and find out what would be most helpful to you go get them I want to talk to you about empowering people empowering them with the skill and the understanding that it takes to really transform their lives it starts by knowing whose problem are we working on whose problem are we solving that is not always a given and so as we move through an issue or a situation we're going to keep coming back to the idea of whose problem are we working on are you working on your problem or am i working on your problem because it's not difficult at all to try to get someone to change and they won't I mean if you confront an addict or you talk to someone who has an anger problem or you talk to somebody who is trying to work their way out of their relationship and you and you ask them what are you doing what were you thinking why don't you focus on this problem and they bounce back with how dare you judge me and how dare you try to control me and it's this cycle where they don't even know they have a problem and so it's key that you work on the problem that you have and you help them work on the problem they have it's really the difference between you see their problem and it's very obvious or do they see their problem you won't be able to make much progress if you're working on a problem that another person doesn't see Jesus put it like this in Matthew 7 he said don't give what is holy to the dogs and don't throw your pearls to the swine or they will trample it underfoot and then turn and devour you this is important to remember because you are trying to be helpful and you've brought great wisdom to this situation and they don't accept it as a solution because they don't have a problem people without a problem don't want your solution people without a problem nobody can help them Jesus can't help you if you don't have a problem nobody can help you and so as I approach other people and my heart is to help pay attention who's got the problem this is step one step one is do you see a problem or is it just me see the problem one of the best ways I know if to help somebody find the problem is ask great questions questions begin to bubble to the surface from the inside out what do we need to work on here job in Chapter 38 he's been having a hard time he lost everything all the stuff is happening he's a righteous man it doesn't make any sense that his life is just falling apart he's gone through 38 chapters so far his friends are all saying hey Joe you had the problem is here you know what you need to do you need to you need to you need to repent you know you need to do know what you did you made this mistake that there here's what here's what your problem is and it's not helping it's not helping it's not helping and then the Lord shows up like it like a like a whirlwind and says who is this who darkens counsel with words without knowledge he's basically saying to job's friends it is time for you all to be quiet and then he says to Jabba yourself like a man no jokes seven tough fight like friend myself like a Mac enemy hey have you have you read the earlier chapters here I'm having a hard time but the Lord is coming to a job like this he's saying I'm going to ask you questions and you're going to answer me see if anybody's got a word of knowledge it would be the Lord wouldn't it it would be good god of knowing everything he's the one who should be able to step in and go here's your problem but instead he steps into job's life and he says I'm going to ask questions and you're going to answer them I'm going to start a process that causes you to begin to search for an answer from the inside out and this is how we help people we help by approaching them with we have a solution we even see some problems but I don't know if you quite understand what the problem is just yet so when we approach someone the the beginnings of this solution the beginnings of helping them find that solution I feel really sad for them I mean you've got this big old mess Oh No your wife left you oh gosh that's got to hurt so bad you you got to be feeling scared oh man I can hear you I can see that you're struggling oh gosh I want to make sure that they understand that I'm with them I don't come in like mm-hmm mm-hmm yeah well of course they did of course you left you you're a jerk no I'm sad I want to I want to make sure that that you are disarmed in your defenses I don't want you to feel like I've come to control you but in fact I have come to understand and I've come to serve so it starts with first I feel really sad for you I come with empathy I come with an emotional connect with where you are this is where I'm going to be able to best serve you is in a position of emotional connection building rapport essentially I'm coming in and I'm lowering the anxiety by saying oh my gosh that must really hurt you must feel really scared you're probably feeling rejected are you feeling hopeless I want to know emotionally where to connect with you and at some point in this in this back-and-forth they see I feel so hurt I feel so scared I'm so worried she's not going to come back I now want to slide across the table something that empowers you something that you're going to give you power for your life I want you to feel like you have what you need I'm going to say what are you going to do what are you going to do is that is the power statement that I've slid across the table and it's going to change your perspective because you've gone from such powerlessness and feeling like such a victim feeling so emotional to now we're going to switch it into what are you going to do that suggests that you have the power and the ability to do something after I've given this empowering message of what are you going to do I I want to begin to explore what it is that you've ever tried this problem rarely am I talking to somebody who has never tried to do anything about this problem before sometimes but generally there's an exploration I can say what have you tried before in this in this situation what what is what have you ever done that has worked and people will go look back and go oh well I used to be I used to go to counseling with her I wish you like that and it was actually helpful I just quit going alright I'm going to move on at that point to begin to say I have some suggestions I'm going to bring some education now okay I'm going to I'm going to move from exploring what you've done to actually I have some ideas and so that's what I'll say I'll say you know I have a couple ideas if you'd like to hear them so we're moving through this process of empowering them with with connecting with them emotionally suggesting that they have power over their own life exploring what they've done before and now I get to talk we're to the point to where I get to add some pearls because I know I'm talking to someone who's working on a solution I know I'm talking to somebody who's hungry for a solution when I say I have some ideas would you like to hear them they'd say yes that the beauty that's when the little doors on our heart open up and you get to take your pearls and throw them in there boop boop boop well um have you read keep your love on that's one of my favorites uh you know have you tried have you learned about love languages are you aware of the connection you're making with her again there's still questions my suggestions my input in your life are still questions because I'm keeping the thinking going with all of my input all the things that I'm doing to add is to keep the thinking going we're working on your problem I'm not working on your problem we are I'm helping you work on your problem and I keep that in mind because if I step away from that and I try to convince you of a problem then I'm going to be working harder on this than you are because it's actually my problem and my solution so um have you tried I was wondering if you've ever ever explored this did you read this have you ever talked to this person there's a youtube video have you watched it that's what I begin to do I begin making suggestions that are gold they are absolutely helpful and you grabbing on and you applying those however you might I've gone through all my suggestions I've gone through those those empowering questions and then I'm coming right back to so moving forward from here what are you going to do we've worked through these five areas I've worked through empathy empowerment we've explored what you've done in the past I drop some education on you but it's in the form of a question and then we go right back to empowering you with what are you going to do what are you going to do that is the couch of moving forward with anybody that you've decided you want to help over and over throughout the years of counseling people very early on we're going to discover whether or not this person wants to solve this problem I can't even tell you how many times I've used those those five steps leading a child through a problem leading an adult through a problem reading an employee through a mess that they've made it work leading an employer through how to shape the behavior of an employee an important person they want to keep around school teacher in a classroom over and over and over I'm going to make sure that these five e's are working and it starts with I feel really sad I feel I feel your pain I'm standing here next to you while we work through this situation you and I are looking at that problem what do you see when you look at that problem oh you see the problem fantastic what are you going to do now that you see your problem what are you going to do we are looking at the problem I'm not looking at you we are looking at your problem we're exploring we begin to go what what do you think's ever been done what have you ever done this this is what begins to to open them up to feel like I have support I have somebody who's here to help me I don't have a parent I don't have somebody who's trying to control me people will try to get you to do that they will try to get you to be the parent they will try to get you to come in tell them what the problem is giving them assignment to fix the problem and then watch you try to make them do it sometimes we call that discipleship no no no it is how do I help you see your problem how do I help you build a plan to execute the solution to your problem well I cheer you on I'm here to encourage you that's what I do I encourage you in applying the solution to your life then you come and tell me what you did you come and tell me how you uniquely took my input twisted it into a solution that fit your situation and you own it now you've been filled with the strength and encouragement of being a capable person you've grown in feeling powerful this is why empowering people is so successful and why controlling people is just creates more work parents don't try to control your children learn to empower them Oh No what's going on wow you look really scared hi I forgot my backpack at school oh gosh forgot your backpack what are you gonna do is is your homework in your backpack I leave my bag like that buddy homework but-but-but my hamster is in my back no your hamsters in your backpack oh gosh shiny Wow Spooky's in your backpack that's terrible are you going to do I - no I don't know oh gosh we'll have you ever forgot your backpack before yeah okay well what did you do left it there okay well why don't we just leave it there this time cuz Spooky's is there he's kind of dyes 108 degrees outside oh my gosh okay well um what do you want to try I don't know do you want any help from me yes yes I need some help okay should we call the the school maybe this maybe it's it's maybe it's not on the bus maybe it's in a classroom uh oh uh yeah okay okay yeah you called the school oh I know where my backpack is my backpacks over there you're looking for your backpack where would you find the phone number and so the child is now searching through Google or wherever they would find that the school phone number now eventually they find the school number they call janitor looks in the classroom it's not there it must be on a bus a whole knows Spooky's on that hot buzz oh my gosh honey what are you going to do there's another problem I stay with the child through the whole process I feel really sad for you and then I empower you with what are you going to do we look around see if there's been any practice of this in your life so far if not even if there is I have a couple suggestions but I'm not taking on your problem I am NOT going to work harder on your life than you do you're eight years old this is a great time to learn about responsibility we get this whole thing taken care of I give you a ride because you hired me to take you to the bus barn to go get spooky because I only charge you half of what the taxi would have charged you because I love you we get spooky spooky Zinta's cage at home it's the next day I probably come in and say hey you taken spooky to school today with you no I'm not taking spookiness going mate never again oh why not cuz I'll kill him oh okay your child learns from the weight of responsibility that was settled on them through your help your friend who's having trouble in their marriage learned from carrying the weight of responsibility of the problems they're helping to create your employee learns from the weight of the responsibility that you helped them keep while you empowered them to move towards solutions we help people fix the problems of their life because we didn't take the problem away we came alongside them while they sorted through the problem we added strength with compassion we gave them the message what are you going to do some people don't like that phrase some people don't like those words some people need to get a tattoo what are you going to do because they helped so many people they're surrounded by so many people they have a gift on their life and helping other people and so they are going to be called on a lot we're going to talk in this series about different ways that you manage yourself you position yourself to be in good shape and to be effective helping other people we have a call on our lives as believers to love well we have a compassion in our heart to really serve the people that are closest to us so stay with us as we move through this series of people helping people going forward when you ask yourself these two questions first how's my empathy how well do I listen zero being I'm like a rock I'm like talking to a rock to 10 this is one of my greatest strengths then I want you ask yourself can I be patient for the education part where I speak in to say listen to me am I able to actually allow other person to have the problem before I jump in with all my solutions be sure to take the assessments and find out where you are in this process and I hope this was helpful and we'll see you later

Channel: Loving on Purpose

Views: 38,857

Rating: 4.9170985 out of 5

Keywords: life academy, danny silk, counselor, burn out, How to Help, real solutions, help

Id: DsJzKZV_Nso

Length: 20min 4sec (1204 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 12 2018