Hope for Hurting Marriages Part 1

[Music] well let's turn in our bibles now to matthew chapter 19. the title of my message is hope for hurting marriages i heard a story about a fourth grade sunday school teacher who was doing a talk on marriage so she turned to her class and said kids does anyone know what the bible says about marriage one little boy raised his hand seems like it's always a little boy and he says yes the scripture i'm thinking of is father forgive them for they know not what they do now judging by the way a lot of marriages go these days you can almost understand why he would say that i've often said marriage is like a three-way ring circus engagement ring wedding ring and suffering in fact it was oscar wilde that said and i quote the world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life end quote j paul getty one of the richest men who ever lived said quote i would give my entire fortune for one happy marriage he had five of them apparently none of them were ever happy so a happy marriage is that even possible can a man and a woman fall in love like they do in the fairy tales and live happily ever after well with the divorce rate where it's at today one wonders it's somewhere around 50 give or take a couple of points and and it continues to rise the more times you're married the higher the percentages are that you will get divorced uh if you've been married a second time your divorce rate could be at 60 percent and for a third marriage it rises even higher to 73 but the title of my message is not no hope for hurting marriages it's hope for hurting marriages maybe yours are listening to this message right now your marriage is in big trouble it's hanging by a thread and the thread is on fire you're even considering divorce you've given up but i want to offer hope from the word of god so back to that earlier question is it possible to have a happy and fulfilling marriage i believe the answer is a resounding yes quick product promotion i wrote a book called mary apple and my wife and i are on the cover because we're married happily it can be done and if it wasn't true i wouldn't tell you it was true so i want you to experience that as well now don't get me wrong i'm not suggesting that that there's a marriage that has no problems or it won't face challenges every marriage comes under pressures and difficulties and hardships but i do believe it is possible to have a very fulfilling marriage if you do it right and i think i can speak with some experience on this topic for three reasons number one i've been up close and personal with divorce i myself have never been divorced but my mother was married and divorced seven times don't tell me it doesn't affect the kids anyone who says that has never had parents who divorced i know how it affected me it was devastating and so i've seen what divorce can do in fact that very thing caused me to have a greater determination to find the right girl and have a successful marriage personally the second reason i think i can address this topic is because i've been married now for 37 years and i'm thankful to god for that and we give the lord the glory for that and i tell when you look at my wife you think she doesn't even look like she's 37 years old but it's hard to believe 37 years and thirdly i've been counseling people with marital problems for almost 40 years now i've pretty much heard and seen it all and let me say this at the beginning i believe that most of the divorces that have happened did not need to happen now there are exceptions to that and we will grant that but i'm just saying most of them did not have to happen i've seen marriages and the worst shape imaginable be put back together so when someone comes in to me for counseling i'll often ask him a few questions i'll start with are you guys both christians and almost always the answer oh yes we're christians and that's why we're here to see you and so then i'll ask them well let me ask you do you believe that the bible is the word of god and and they'll say oh yes we believe the bible is the word of god we love the word of god now third question are you willing to do what the bible says even if you find it difficult no well now they know they're in trouble and they they want to say yes but they kind of have a sense as to where i'm going quite frankly if they cannot answer yes to all three of those questions the conversation is effectively over oh i know you're going to say our situation is different greg you don't understand but you know what the fact of the matter is your situation probably isn't different it's just the same problems that other people are facing so here's what we need to consider we need a biblical world view on marriage in other words we need to think about this biblically not emotionally and we can't take our cues from culture what does culture know about marriage what does hollywood know about marriage these people can't keep anything together i mean i i don't want to pick on her but kim kardashian's wedding is a classic example i mean how can i not acknowledge it it cost 10 million dollars and i think my wedding cost like 8 bucks or something it's a long time ago it was watched by 4 million tv viewers but it lasted 72 days seems like if a marriage goes that long or that short i should say everyone should get their gifts back again you know but that's not the only short hollywood marriage in the news of latest katy perry and russell brand are divorcing after 14 months together kid rock and pamela anderson were married did you even know that they lasted four months renee zellweger and kenny chesney lasted four months eddie mercy and tracy edmonds lasted two weeks carmen electra and dennis rodman lasted six days i'm not making this up uh singer shanit o'connor just entered their fourth marriage after 16 days so i don't know about you but i'm not looking to pop stars or movie stars or secular culture to tell me how to have a successful marriage i'm going to go to an authoritative source and that is the word of god that's the only way we can pull this off we need god's help right now prior to getting married kathy and i court it for three years that's a word you don't hear very often but uh we loved each other but you know frankly we argued a lot and uh we broke up three times and they were big breakups like i never want to see you again but as time went by i realized that i really loved her and as the bible says in the song of solomon many waters cannot quench love neither can floods drown it and so i recognize that that this love was real and it was from god because it grew stronger with a passing of time james dobson said and i quote don't marry the person you think you can live with marry only the individual you think you can't live without and i think that's right and i think i have found the secret to a successful marriage so if you've come here looking for tips or secrets i've got one for you now you might even write this down a secret to a successful marriage are you ready marry yourself no i'm serious it worked for me because on my wedding day uh pastor chuck married us and he pronounced us man and wife he said i now pronounce that greg and laurie are man and wife he got confused instead of greg and kathy it was greg and laurie see having that this is true story now in fact people will say to my wife all the time hi lori you know her name is kathy but they call her laurie and that's all right so i found the secret to a successful marriage marry yourself greg and lori got married that was a joke by the way if you didn't understand where that was going you're thinking is that true and how is that possible it was a joke obviously not a very good one but our marriage has been tested like anyone else's we've faced mighty storms and the most devastating storm was when our son died uh many marriages don't survive that but that we look to the lord and he's gotten us through it and i might say he's getting us through it we're certainly not over it by any stretch of the imagination but marriage has come under attack marriage faced pressures marriage space marriage has faced hardship and the question is what are you building your foundation on jesus said at the end of the sermon on the mount anyone who listens to my teaching and obeys me as wise like a person who builds its house on solid rock and though the rain comes in torrents and the flood waters rise and the winds beat against that house it won't collapse because it was built on rock but if anyone who cares my teaching ignores it he's foolish like a person who builds a house on sand and when the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house it will fall with a mighty crash so here's my question for you is your marriage built on the rock or is it on the rocks build it on christ have you ever built a sand castle on the beach there's so much fun to put together and then some wave comes in it's gone or some crazy two-year-old comes over and stomps on it you know well that's what happens is to happens to marriages that are built on sin they will not survive but a marriage that is built on the rock will not only survive but it will get stronger through these things and notice jesus did not say if the rains and floods come but rather when the rains and floods come into every life a little rain must fall it's been said and sometimes it's a light drizzle and other times it's a mighty hurricane but you may not know this and i've really never shared this before but i thought this would be a good time to reveal that i have actually been married to five different women absolutely true maybe more i've lost track uh interestingly i know you think i've lost my mind i love this i love this kind of tense moment i've created everyone's like what yeah interestingly have any of you figured out where i'm going with this yet okay some of you are alarmed i like to almost just linger in the awkwardness for a moment now and all of these women i've been married to interestingly all have the name kathy which makes it even stranger even more amazing is they all spell their name the same way because guess what the girl i'm married to today is not the same girl i married back in 1974 and i'm not the same guy she married either the kathy of age 30 is not the same as the kathy of age 18 that's how old she was when they married her and the kathy of age 40 is not the same as the kathy of age 30 and i'm not the same person i was either the point is you change to the passing of time i'm happy to say that every new kathy is better than the last one and they were all good but to every marriage is going to go through changes and every marriage is going to be tested and so we want to build our foundation on christ the bible says he that finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the lord i found that marriage halves our sorrows it doubles our joys and it quadruples our expenses but it's all good here's what it comes down to one day when your life is over and that day will come there's only going to be three things that really will seem to matter those are faith family and to a lesser degree friends uh you're not going to sit on your deathbed and fret about how much how your business is doing or how much money you make in fact the only thing you may fret about is who's going to get it when you're gone because it's going to be in your rearview mirror you're not going to think about how many things you own it's not going to matter much to you in that day you're going to think about god and you're going to think about your family and in far too many cases you're going to be thinking about how you did not walk with god as you should have and you did not treat your family as you should have so instead of waiting for that day deal with it now and when you make a commitment to a person to be married you want to honor that commitment i wish we could take the very word divorce and strike it from our vocabularies it's brought up far too quickly far too easily far too casually listen wedlock should be a padlock if a marriage is miserable the fault lies with the participants not the institution now i'm going to deal a little bit with divorce when we look at our texts together but i will say that biblical divorces are a rarity uh most divorces that i've seen are i can give you a lot of reasons why they came about but it comes down to a cycle of selfishness that the couple gets them in the self themselves into and they divorce and i've also seen the regret they've had because they should have given more attention to it and this is not just me a pastor saying this even people who are not christians recognize this they know the effects of divorce i read an interesting article uh on the huffington post the other day it was written by a lady named gigi lavonji graser she's a hollywood screenwriter and and she is not writing this from a christian perspective as far as i could see uh but she makes some really valid points and i'm gonna read a little bit of her article to you and uh she's very fond of the word sucks okay so don't be offended by that they understand who's writing it what she's hear what she's saying all right so here's what she writes from experience divorce sucks i mean it really sucks got kids if so don't do it you probably have no reason to listen to me but here i've lived a pretty long life by l.a standards i'm ancient i've had many life experiences among them two marriages what i've learned since is that divorce lingers it makes you feel sad when you least expect it divorce colors everything oh yeah i did it for my kids so they could grow up with a healthy mother a happier mother who had more time for them but single motherhood even with access to help is not for sissies oh sure i have more control over my children under the circumstances but in return i'm more strung out and overwhelmed here's some of her observations that she has in this article uh the things that she points out why you should not get a divorce number one it's kind of funny all men suck she says oh yeah all men are great and all men are annoying all men are complicated do you get what i'm saying men are human weird i know but basically if you hate your spouse and get divorced you'll be trading him for a similar model number two raising kids on your own socks but this doesn't mean you want to raise them with someone new divorce with children is mathematically speaking 180 million times worse than divorce without children i'm sure there's a new york times study somewhere to back me up on that kids are not better off with divorced parents than she puts in parentheses high angry tweets from a statically divorced parents then she makes this quote that's a really good quote psychologist judith wallenstein conducted a 25-year study on the effects of divorce on the children involved her book chronicling their findings as more frightening than any tv commercial advertising an anthony hopkins movie if you don't want to sleep at night read what she says for example she points out children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to drop out of school suffer drug and alcohol problems require psychotherapy and get divorced themselves number three she says divorce sucks because uh bumps in the night a single mother feels it every day when the sun goes down there's no one there to watch your back i have to be a combination nursemaid and rambo i've not slept a full night in three years it's hard to sleep with one eye open and a dog named peanut being the only thing between you and your potential threat on the stress scale divorce is just a tad less stressful than the death of a spouse presumably one you liked people don't behave well under that kind of stress money is tight the kids are upset and in the air is the odor of hatred in the midst of our separation our family therapist a cancer survivor in her 60s 60s who had been practicing for many years gave me sage advice which i was too angry or blind to accept she said wait until the kids are launched who knows you may even find yourself in love again with your husband she concludes i chose not to take that advice a big part of me wishes i had and gets very well written this reminds me of a story i read a one woman a woman went to see a lawyer and she said i want to divorce my husband i hate him and i want to hurt him so give me some advice so attorney thought about it for a moment says you know i have an idea he says okay you're going to divorce the guy right okay so here's what i suggest you do for three months don't criticize him in fact in fact speak only well of him build them up tell him how wonderful he is tell him how much you love him everything he does something does something nice commend him for it tell him what a great guy he is for the next three months and after he thinks he has your confidence then just say i'm going to divorce you it'll hurt even worse so the woman thought that sounds good i like that and so that's what she did for the next three months she affirmed her husband she told him how much she loved him she uh built him up in every way that she could and then finally the divorce attorney calls her and says okay let's get started she says oh no we're going on our second honeymoon so she changed her behavior and it turned the relationship around having a successful marriage does not happen by accident it's not unlike your relationship with christ so you become a christian when you put your faith in jesus your walk with the lord is developed through daily commitment through prayer through bible study through effort on your part the same is true of a marriage the moment you begin to neglect a marriage it's going to start unraveling you have to constantly be doing everything you can to keep your marriage strong and not even for a moment take it for granted so let's read now what jesus said to those who had lost hope for their hurting marriages what he says is designed to restore hope again here are the lord's words for hurting marriages matthew 19 verse 3. the pharisees came to him testing him and saying is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason he answered and said to them have you not read that he that made them at the beginning made them male and female and he said for this reason the man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh so the two uh so they're no longer two but one flesh therefore what god has joined together let no man separate you know it's interesting how jesus evades the question and takes him back to the god's original plan in other words instead instead of finding a way out of marriage he points him to the way to stay married and more importantly he shows them how to stay married god's way he refers them to genesis 2. this is of course the story of adam placed in the garden of eden he was living a perfect life i mean he was living in the ultimate bachelor pad no worries no responsibilities just enjoying all that god gave to him he was sort of like the first landscaper his job was to go around and tidy things up and take care of things and and just take it all in i mean you can't think of a more beautiful place than where adam lived and the experience he was having and best of all the lord god would show up every single day and take a walk with his boy adam in the cool of the day it was so perfect but something was missing or to be more specific someone was missing but that someone had not been created yet and so the lord said everything was good after he created it but then he looked at him and said not good is the aloneness of man and so the lord caused a deep sleep to fall upon adam and eve was created you know one thing you may have never heard was at one point adam asked god the question lord why did you make eve so beautiful god said well adam so you would love her. adam said well lord why did you make eve so soft god said so you would love her god why did you make eve so stupid god said so she would love you all the girls are getting mad at me just like me stupid seriously why did god bring the woman to the man god says in genesis 2 18 i will make a helper comparable to him from the hebrew that can be translated someone who assists another to reach fulfillment it's also translated someone who comes to rescue another eve would provide what was missing in his life now here's a big thing that we all need to know it's like marriage 101 but i'm amazed how often people miss it there are two operative words used here in the text by jesus repeating what was said in genesis that make for a successful and happy marriage and the words are leave and cleave if you're writing notes down write those words down leave and cleave verse 5 for this reason shall a man leave his father and mother and cleveland to his wife and the two shall become one flesh so the word cleave means to glue or to cling so here's the idea it's sever and bond i i detach from one thing and i attach to another i depart from and adhere to loosen and secure so a successful and lasting and happy marriage begins with the leaving in effect you are leaving all other relationships now let me explain what that means the closest relationship outside of marriage is specified here that of a son to his parents for this god shall a man leave his father and mother now that doesn't mean that the boy is no longer a son to his mom and dad but it means the dynamics of the relationship have now changed because he as a husband and ultimately as a father is the head of a home and his now primary responsibility is not as a father uh or not as a son to a father or a mother but it's more as a husband to a wife he must still honor his parents but a leaving must take place and sometimes guys don't do this you know they want to continue to please their mother or their father i heard a story of one single young man and wanted to get married in the worst way so i found a really attractive girl and brought her home his mother didn't like her so he went out and found another girl brought her home to meet his mom she didn't like her either so then he went out and found a girl that looked just like his mother she dressed like her she talked like her she acted like her in every way but then his father didn't like her these are the jokes people for this cause shall a man leave as father and mother leaving means giving other relationships a lesser degree of importance so okay so listen to this when you get married your best friend should be your spouse now you can have other friends you don't have to abandon all your friends no i can't do anything ever again i'm gonna go home and hang out with my best friend my wife no you can still have other relationships but your best friend is your husband your best friend is your wife sometimes people ask hey can you have a best friend that's a member of the opposite sex uh answer no not really just doesn't work out get real i mean you're having another girl and she's your buddy or another guy you know girls and and he's your good friend and you call him and you talk no no this is problematic okay you have to understand that this relationship with your spouse is the most important relationship of all and it supersedes all other relationships this is very important for a wife and her husband they are to be the best friend of each other here's a key verse that explains that malachi 2 13 says the lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth to whom you've been faithless although she is your companion and wife companion and wife that's interesting doesn't just say she's your wife she's a companion too and the word companion can be translated one you're united with in thoughts goals plans and efforts is that describe you husbands or wives hey how well do you know your spouse do you know what they really care about do you know what they like to do do you know what their favorite food is their favorite color is you know i mean how well do you really know one another if you don't treat your wife as you ought to as a husband it actually can bring your prayer life to a screeching halt did you know that because god says in first peter 3 husbands dwell with your wives and give them understanding giving honor to the wife as a weaker vessel as being heirs together of the grace of life so your prayers will not be hindered your prayers can be hindered if your marriage is out of whack so this is under god your number one priority in life and by the way that word that is used for dwell with her doesn't mean just live with her yeah i live with my wife there i got that covered it's more than that it could actually be translated be aligned to or give maintenance to maintenance too so we maintain things in life don't we we maintain our houses our homes we maintain our cars what happens if you have a car and you never do anything for it you don't change the oil you don't even put oil in uh you you don't repair something you know the tire goes flat you just keep driving you know well your car's gonna break down and the same happens with a marriage you know you don't maintain it you don't care for it and it breaks down i'm always really impressed when i see a classic car drive by with a really old person driving it because i think that was probably their car in the beginning and they've just maintained it and it's perfection you know they get out there and they wax it and they care for it and they're driving it along you know and that's what you want your marriage to be you don't want to trade her or him in for the new model you want to take your marriage and turn it into a classic and stand the test of time but a lot of us don't pay attention to this you know in our cars we have those idiot lights they're called a little light that comes unusually when that comes on it means you're really in trouble i speak from experience i've had them go on a little light will go on time to change your oil time for uh service you know wouldn't it be nice if we had an idiot light in our marriage idiot husband time for a date night with your wife idiot wife stop nagging your husband pay attention so you need to ask yourself a question every now and then maybe more often is there any relationship or pursuit i'm involved in that would put distance between me and my mate see i listen to my wife and if she were to say you know greg i think you're spending too much time doing thus and so or hanging around with this person you know i listened to that and continued doing what i was doing but i listen no no i'll make the changes and the same with her and there are things that bring stress in marriage maybe it's something you've gotten really excited about something you're really passionate about and all of a sudden it's taking you away from the home more and more you have to ask yourself the question is this helping or hurting my marriage so we are to do this and i want you to notice that the emphasis is always to the husband notice that peter said husbands do all with your wives with understanding listen to this husbands are to take the lead in the marriage when paul speaks about husbands and wives being married he says husbands love your wife as christ loves the church husbands are to take the lead because if a husband is doing what he ought to be doing i believe in most cases the wife will respond appropriately treat your wife like a thoroughbred and shall never become a nag let her know you love her be the spiritual leader in your home be the one that initiates these things why do we love god right now why are we christians the bible says we love him because he first loved us our love is a response to his love and the same is true in a marriage she will respond and do what god wants her to do if you'll do your part so don't tell me your wife's not doing her part i'm asking you guys what are you doing in so many cases the guy's doing very little so let's come back to what is said here a man shall cleave into his wife and they shall become one flesh it's no use leaving unless you spend a lifetime cleaving what does it mean to clean it means to adhere to or to stick or to be attached by some strong tie and by the way that doesn't mean you're stuck together against your will it means you're holding on in fact in the original language it speaks of a determined effort think of it this way you're climbing up the side of the cliff are you stuck or are you holding on well it's a ladder right you're holding on why because you want to live that's why and that's how you keep a marriage strong oh we're stuck together no no no we're holding on to each other i'm holding on to you and you're holding on to me and that's what it means to cleave is that describe your relationship right now when we go to the new testament and see the word used again it translates out to be cemented together to stick like cute glue to be welded together so the two cannot be separated without serious damage to both have you ever used super glue you know i was always a really lousy model builder but i always tried and when i was a kid i'd get glue all over everything and i wasn't patient enough to let the glue dry and then paint i'd start painting before the glue was done so i just had a mess in those little strings of glue in your hands and what about so you know i got older and i became an adult they bought a model and now they have super glue this is great now it i can just gloom really fast but i didn't read the directions and it warns you about gluing your fingers together and i did i glued my finger and my thumb together so i was walking around saying hey okay i didn't want to how you doing okay but i'm really not okay but they're stuck you see super glue but that's the idea that's being conveyed here it's like super glue you are glued together you're you're one person you're one flesh and this involves constant communication this is one of the keys to a successful marriage constant communication listen there are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman before marriage and after marriage but it's a joke get it because that's all the time see and this means you have to learn how to disagree agreeably sometimes i'll have couples come in who want to get married and they'll tell me all about how much they love each other i'll say have you guys ever had a disagreement or argument oh no we love each other too much he's so sweet she's so gorgeous you've never had an argument no and we never plan on having get out of my office you come back into the real world you guys are going to have lots of disagreements in life so you better learn how to fight fair you better learn how to disagree agreeably how to come to a conflict what you are going to have how are you going to approach it how are you going to ultimately resolve it and it's going to require you bending and compromising and listen to this forgiving forgiving ruth graham said quote a good marriage consists of two good forgivers if you're not a good forgiver you're not going to have a good marriage you have to learn how to forgive and then you need to affirm one another you know uh husbands when's the last time you hugged your wife without ulterior motives it wasn't leading to something else honey i love you or when's the last time you told your husband how much you appreciated him i heard about a couple that was having some marital problems so they went in to see a pastor and a pastor talked to him at great length and listened carefully and and then said he he really thought he had figured out what the problem was and he stood up from behind his desk and walked around to where the wife was sitting and had her stand and he gave her a hug and he said to the husband this is what this woman needs once a day husband kind of furrowed his brow for a moment said okay what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow my jokes are so lame aren't they i believe most divorces can be averted if we would just start with the operative principles of leaving and cleaving it would make all the difference in the world because marriage is not so much finding the right person as much as it is being the right person so you need to go into this marriage saying how can i fulfill this person's needs listen to this it's not about you if you're gonna get married so he can meet all of your needs and make you happy or she's gonna meet all of your needs and make you happy you're gonna be an unhappy married person but if you can put the needs of your mate above your own you can see dramatic things take place in fact the bible tells us in ephesians 5 before the wife is told to submit to her husband that husbands and wives are to submit one to another in the fear of god a lot of people choke on that word submit i'm not submitting to anyone or anything oh shut up you submit all the time you drive down the street and the chp pulls up behind you you submit real fed you live by rules you live by standards you know there's people who are in authority over you in life you have your boss you have those who have influence on you we all submit there's nothing wrong with submitting it's a good thing and and i'll talk at another time about what it means for a wife to submit to her husband let me just say this before we deal with that the bible says submit one to another in the fear of god okay so husbands are to submit to wives as well as wives submitting to husbands but maybe we need a new word instead of submit because we don't know what it means we think submit means be a doormat be a victim take whatever he gives i give up all my rights but actually the word submit could be better translated to get in order under something to get an order under something in a military sense it means to rank beneath or rank under so a husband submission to his wife does not mean that he abdicates his responsibility of leadership in the home it means he helps her to bear her burdens he gets underneath her to carry her cares here's an illustration my wife comes home from the market and she has the car filled with groceries and i sit there and watch her as she unloads them and ask her when dinner's going to be made no i go and i help her carry things and i usually grab the heaviest things you know because i want to assist her that's just a simple illustration of what this means now you look at her in general or look at him in general i want to help you see i want to help you be the man god's called you to be i want to help you be the woman god has called you to be i'm your number one fan i'm in your corner you can depend on me i'm always here for you so knowing that makes a big difference in life holding each other up we're all submitting at some point it's putting the needs of your mate above your own if at all possible you want to avoid divorce why well god doesn't like divorce let me be more blunt god hates it here's what he says in malachi 2 18. i hate divorce says the lord it's as cruel as putting on a victim's bloodstained coat says the lord god almighty so guard yourself and always be loyal to your wife now some of you who are hearing me right now have been divorced and you're not feeling really happy at this moment you're thinking man greg you're putting me under condemnation i'm not here to do that okay uh because what's done is done i'm sorry this has happened to you maybe you had biblical grounds maybe you did not have biblical grounds but i want to say to you if i don't want it to happen to you again okay so if you're in a new marriage and you've been divorced let's do it right this time i believe god forgives i believe that god gives second chances but let's not go and repeat the behavior over and over again let's learn from our experiences and more importantly learn from the word of god well despite the fact that jesus has talked about marriage they still want to talk about divorce go back to matthew 19. they said yeah yeah it's almost like they said yeah yeah yeah blah blah blah here's what we're really asking why then did moses command to give a certificate of divorce and put her away jesus said moses because of the hardness of your hearts permitted you to divorce your wives but from the beginning it was not so so i say to you whoever divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another commits adulter adultery and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery i want you to notice they said why did moses command divorce jesus says uh he didn't command it he permitted it you have it wrong now back in these days the attitude toward marriage was very liberal you might be surprised to know divorce was widespread in israel at this time consider the woman at the well remember her married and divorced five times so it was actually quite commonplace one liberal rabbi of the day known as hillel said and i quote incompatibility of temperament was grounds for divorce and this day a man could divorce his wife for such trivial things as burning his meal or embarrassing him in front of his friends or he could divorce her if a more attractive woman came along well that pretty much opens up everything yeah you know honey i love you but this other chick's way cuter than you bye-bye really yeah you could do that back in this day so they're saying yeah well why did moses command divorce jesus is saying you guys have it all wrong this is not god's order our modern equivalent to this thing would be irreconcilable differences this is the one we throw down all the time well our marriage didn't work out why irreconcilable differences what were those i don't know but it was those irreconcilable there's just no way we could reconcile those differences really listen i've had irreconcilable differences with my wife for 37 years she's neat and i'm messy she's sometimes late i'm usually early she's cute and i'm fat what are you going to do it's irreconcilable oh then we'll get divorced no we're going to work it out we're going to flex we're going to adapt we're going to put the needs of each other above our own don't tell me your reconcilable differences and guess what that is not biblical grounds for divorce every marriage will have irreconcilable differences or better you could just marry yourself like i did even then you'll probably have irreconcilable differences so that's not an allowance given in scripture here's an allowance christ gives number one verse nine if anyone divorces his wife except for sexual immorality and marries another he commits adultery now what does this mean sexual immorality it comes from the greek word pornea guess what english word we get from that porn pornographic it's a word that actually encompasses a lot of immoral behaviors including uh obviously adultery uh also incest prostitution homosexuality why is this such a deal breaker why would jesus actually cite this thing if this happens god would permit divorce for this well because when you have sex with someone you become one flesh with them you see paul even said if you have sexual relations with a prostitute a hooker you become one flesh with her so don't tell me it didn't mean anything or it was a one-night stand no it means a lot to god you can't do that you can't treat sex that way and when you enter into that union with that person this is a very sacred union to god and so when you break that union with your spouse and go and have sex with someone else you have violated something something very significant and yes there is a release clause given by christ himself if such a thing happens unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce but it's not only grounds for divorce it's also grounds for forgiveness and i've seen a lot of marriages survive this i know it seems devastating when your mate confesses to you they've been unfaithful usually they don't confess it until you find out though once in a while there'll be someone who'll say yeah i just i have a guilty conscience but usually you know you get suspicious and you can tell and and there's those signs and then you discover it and they deny it at first and then they admit it and it's devastating there's no question but it can be forgiven and i've heard many many stories of those who have forgiven it and are glad that they did and let me just say to you gosh this is like i've seen this so many times it drives me crazy but uh girls are guys who get involved and maybe this is a little more for girls so i'll direct this to girls girls who get involved with some guy who tells you he's going to leave his wife for you as they see in the east coast forget about it it's not going to happen you think if you're having sex with this guy who's being in feet with his wife he's going to divorce his wife and marry you first of all why would he not repeat the behavior with you number one and number two why would he marry you when he's getting it for free if he ends up getting divorced because of your affair he's going to find another girl probably one that's not been doing what you've been doing because the very thing he asked for has now caused him to have no respect for you at all so guess what you lose twice so don't go down that road according to dr lana stenelli author of a book on marital triangles she says of those who break up their marriage and marry someone else 80 percent are sorry later of those who do marry their lover which is only about 10 percent 70 percent of them get a divorce of that 25 to 30 percent that stay married only half of them are happy she concludes having an affair is an invitation to an awful lot of pain and tragedy yeah absolutely so unfaithfulness is grounds for divorce don't go down that road don't don't even play with it in your mind with fantasies oh you know i won't do but i'll just think about it no no because the first step to doing it is thinking about it love your wife love your husband be loyal to them be faithful to them because you go down this road it's going to end in a lot of pain and guess who the ultimate victims are going to be after you pay the price your kids are going to pay the price and it's going to be a hard price for them to pay don't be so selfish there's another reason given in scripture where god will allow a divorce it's in first corinthians 7 13. it says if a woman has a husband that believes yet he has not pleased the dwell with her let her not uh put him away or let her put let her not put away so but then paul says later but if the unbelieving departs a brother or a sister is not under bondage okay so here's what he's saying look let's say you're married to a non-believer this happens a lot of ways and i'll deal with this another time but but you marry a non-believer because maybe uh you both were non-christians and you got married and one of you became a christian and all of a sudden you're married to this non-believing guy or girl and that brings stress in the marriage or some of you were not patient to wait on the lord for the right guy the right girl and you just say i'm going to marry this guy or marry this girl and i'm going to lead him into the lord right that probably didn't work out so well for you did it and you basically disobeyed scripture that says don't be unequally yoked together but non-believers but okay now what's done is done you're married to them so now you're saying yeah well i'm not really happy in this marriage and i met this really cute guy at church and you know my husband doesn't care about the lord the lord spoke to me the other day and he actually said to me my child dump the heathen husband and marry the cute christian guy saith the lord and he was even saith like king james god didn't say that because in his word he says of the unbelieving believers please to dwell with you stay with them now your job is to try to win him or her to christ okay but let's say they leave you in other words they abandon you they walk out on you they desert you well according to scripture if that happens you're free you don't have to remain in that relationship and you're free ultimately to remarry now this really doesn't happen all that often most marriages fail because of selfishness you want that person to cater to you you expect marriage to make you happy as i already said and most marriages fall apart because people ignore what the bible says and do what they want to do every marriage is going to be challenged c.s lewis put it this way quote people get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on being in love forever as a result when they find they are not they think this proves they made a mistake and are entitled to a change not realizing that when they have changed the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one that's so true so oh if i marry him it'll be great and you get married and it's good for a time and then you know the hard work of marriage comes into play well i did i didn't know it was going to be hard i didn't know you know he wouldn't do everything i wanted or she wouldn't and so well i'll find someone else and then the problem is coming that one then it comes into the next relationship so lewis concludes in this department of life as in every other thrills come at the beginning and do not last but if you go through with it the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest and quote look as you've been married for time it's not the same as it was i don't have butterflies in my stomach every time my wife walks in the room you know when i first met well i'm so nervous i i just kathy's here what do i say to her i don't feel that way anymore i'm sorry if kathy walked in the room in the morning you know making breakfast oh i i feel light-headed i have a butterfly [ __ ] thing i was having a heart attack she called the paramedics but the love we have in the place of that initial attraction is far greater it's far deeper it's far more significant sometimes you feel it sometimes you don't feel it but it's a commitment and boy i tell you as the months go by and then the years go by and you've honored those vows and you've stuck to them you look back and you thank god and you look at others who have disregarded what the bible says and are facing the consequences no fairy tale weddings are not really possible i know we've heard all those stories and and they lived happily ever after the better way to say it would be they lived happily even after even after after what after marriage because they did it god's way so here's my closing thought if you're single don't rush it wait on the lord find a godly man or woman priority number one if you're married and you're having troubles don't give up don't throw on the towel ask god for help and try to save that marriage you know i do find it interesting that the lord uses the analogy of a husband's love for a wife to describe his love for the church he says love your wife as christ loves the church well you want to talk about a tall order but how did christ love the church well he died on the cross for us and when did he do it when we were his best friends no the bible says while we were still yet sinners christ died for us when we were the enemies of god shaking our fist in his face saying we don't want you god that's when christ died for us to show his love for us and one day we realized that we thought the lord loves me he'll forgive me and and we put our faith in him jesus christ the son of god came to this earth on a rescue mission and he died on the cross in your place and then he rose again from the dead and he'll come and forgive you of your sin i don't know if you're single or if you're married whoever you are whatever your state you need god everybody needs christ in their life and i ask you in closing is jesus christ living inside of you right now you think some guy is going to fill the deepest void of your life you know one day my prince will come get over that you need the prince of peace to come and live in your heart girls and guys he's the one who will meet your deepest needs like that woman at the well you know she was married to divorce five times and was living with a guy and jesus points this out to her and then he says you know if you drink of this water you'll thirst again but if you drink of the water i give you'll never thirst again and he was sort of using her pursuit of happiness with men as a metaphor for going to a well and drawing water again and again and never being satisfied nothing that this world offers will meet the deepest need of your life you were made to know god and he will come and forgive you of your sin and live in your heart and if you've never asked jesus christ to come into your life why don't you do that right now as we close in prayer and you can know for certain that you will go to heaven when you die so let's all bow our heads and everyone praying if you would father i thank you for your word to us i thank you for your love for us and i pray for every person watching this message right now help them to see their need for jesus and help them to come to you and believe and be forgiven of all of their sins now while our heads are bound and our eyes are closed and we're praying if you want jesus christ to forgive you of your sin if you want to know that when you die you will go to heaven if you want that void deep inside of you filled i'm going to ask you wherever you are to stand to your feet and i'm going to lead you in a prayer again i want you to just stand up wherever you are and i'm going to lead you in a prayer a prayer where you will be accepting jesus christ into your life just stand up god bless you stand up right now if you want christ to come into your life god bless you god bless you stand up wherever you are if you're watching this video you stand as well and i'm going to lead you in a prayer to accept christ into your life stand up now anybody else god bless you god bless you you want us forgiveness maybe you've fallen away from the lord and you want to come back to him again you stand to your feet right now and i'm going to lead you in the same prayer if you've fallen away from christ and you need to return to him just stand up let me pray for you god bless you god bless you anybody else stand up now god bless you anybody else in this final moment stand now and we're going to pray stand now god bless each one of you all right all of you that are standing i want you to pray this prayer out loud after me this is where you're asking jesus christ to come into your life again as i pray pray this prayer out loud after me pray it out loud right where you're standing pray this if you would lord jesus i know i'm a sinner but you died on the cross and shed your blood for every sin i have ever committed now come into my life and forgive me of my sin i choose to follow you from this moment forward thank you for loving me and accepting me and forgiving me in jesus name i pray amen god bless each one of you that prayed that prayer god

Channel: Pastor Greg Laurie

Views: 133,999

Rating: 4.8241501 out of 5

Keywords: Greg Laurie, harvest, Marriage, family, wife, husband, fighting, anger, nagging, love, caring, Jesus, church, respect, stupid, eve, adam, divorce, adultery, sucks, men, mr. right, Gigi Lavangi Razer, hope, children, single, date night, submit, sex, one flesh, selfishness

Id: f3ttsRIbSl0

Length: 58min 20sec (3500 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 30 2012