Hilarious Theo Von Moments: Volume 4

what activities you think you do where you come a lot like the kind of people that like power lifters probably shoot giant loads right i think you would think they do but for their size and stuff they're not doing that much who do you think shoots the biggest loads oh i think a guy that's in space i think a guy that's on a cliff like a cliff climber yeah but is that the biggest loads i mean that guy's shooting some [ __ ] just because he has the balls to climb up like that he's busting some real spackle maybe that's what it is like he's got balls like those guys shoot bigger loads yeah like bmx jumpers they jump three times in the end and land on the bike yeah maybe they have the biggest loads um also guys who like fake put a sign on their car when they don't pay a meter it's like meters broken they just put that on their car if i can still park there those dudes bust some loads bro i think there's other things too like pickpockets oh people that wear turtlenecks do not come very much or far no what is it about wanting to keep your neck warm it's not very manly it's just a [ __ ] moving it's such some french thing too and i don't care about the french dude dude this [ __ ] is getting gay bro today it's just very dick oriented today i wouldn't say it's gay well it's that time of year it's spring people are refreshed it's spring it's the middle of the winter yeah it's freezing cold out it's just january whatever you guys don't know you guys aren't open-minded that's what i think it doesn't get more winter than january not even a groundhog's day yet why did i just say it's august yeah i kind of realized how big of a deal it was i mean it was just kind of fun and you got to compete and um and i'd always been like i think a bit afraid to play like football in high school because uh like if i got hurt like we didn't have no money so it was like if you got hurt you know you were just gonna be that guy whose [ __ ] shirt didn't fit right for the rest of his life you know like if you broke your [ __ ] clavicle or whatever you'd be an awkward guy yeah you're risking that dude you grew up you didn't grow up with obamacare you didn't have health insurance no no we just had each you know we just had insight from the neighbors you know that was our obamacare yeah science looks broken yeah i tie it down you know people tying their legs to their arm and [ __ ] i remember they made one kid a [ __ ] cast out of cement one time they [ __ ] put his leg into a legit yeah and then they had to break it with a hammer at some point of some type of and it broke his leg in three places when they broke god damn it the [ __ ] cement because they too you grew up you grew up with very little money yeah a little money man i blacked out one time here in hollywood and that scared me i woke up in my own bed had no claw got there i'd wet the bed i mean i wet the bed i was about 30 anyway did you two not tilted until i was like a teenager oh that's nothing bro and uh and and that was a pretty crazy night one maybe not 13 but close maybe 10 at least well 10 ain't far from 13 if you're talking at least probably [ __ ] no but yeah i know i had a huge issue with it it was terrible dude i used to have those buzzer underwear bro they put these underwear on you when the urine would hit them a buzzer would go off oh my god i'm not joking look him up online this ain't no joke bro so i went to my grandparents my mother didn't tell him that i had these right i'm really hoping these are a real thing you're not just a like a torture device your parents put on not at all they made by themselves this doctor gave them to us dude this dude was above google his dude was a bonafide doctor so we went there i got the electric pants on dude you know wait wait would you like google i'm getting my rest probably uh you know buzzer underwear for urinators google buzzer underwear for urinators um and uh so then but they didn't tell my grandfather right so he [ __ ] had a small house bro a little bitty house so my [ __ ] crotch is just but like he he wakes up middle of the night dude you're on fire i'm not on fire but i'm buzzing hard bro cause i'd had apple juice man and i pissed big on apple juice dude i [ __ ] spray out on the aj so i'm in there just buzzing dude i didn't know god and he came in he still got him yeah give me a penalty that's what i want give me a pen he didn't know what was going on oh my god that's what he comes in he's scared how loud is this in a little bitty house you could uh you could hear from down i just want to wake my wife up in the middle of that like twice a week i would just do two drops and you and it goes off and uh and so my grandfather's in there right and he's all scared and [ __ ] and uh oh this would have been terrible when i was a kid and he's pushing me with a broomstick dude he thought i was dead dude he didn't know what had happened and we thought was possessed or dead he's pushing me with a broomstick to wake me up and he was worried because he had one of those heart makers and he was worried he would get electrocuted he thought something was happening he thought the house had short-circuited it or the phone company had [ __ ] up that's what he thought the phone company i went to a swinger's party on accident in denver's below we're we're partnering up top went below and said do not enter me my friend's like wow he was like bumping down there so we went down there and we realized there's a swingers party because had a sign on it and they had like rules but it was like i'd say the ratios ten to one dudes to go to girls not good not getting like the the seven girls that were there and the 70 dudes i just felt bad for him yeah i'm like girl let's get out of here they were you could tell their their morale was not hot yeah their self-esteem was not booming well that's why you got to have like a robert e lee type of guy in there you got to have a straight up william wallace running up and down the you know the line invade them yeah to motivate these chicks at us at a gang bang yeah you gotta keep the morale high because if reality hits you go what the [ __ ] am i doing you don't need that yeah you need to be passing out dsw you need that tony robbins dick game going on you know you need that dude dropping knowledge of those girls women join me you can do this yeah man women have put up with a lot dude and then the same night bro i was asleep in this guy's room and he had a bunch of pets stacked up along the walls because he loved all kinds of pets and was five of us sharing a bed right and um and all night bro i can't sleep right because i'm scared of all these animals i'm scared of all these animals bro and i can't sleep right and so uh i'm just thankful this one this dog keeps barking man i'm so high that there's this dog i'm just thankful that this dog outside the window keeps barking i'm like because i'm awake i can't sleep right all the other four kids and it's better asleep and you can just hear these pets moving in their cages and he had a big ceiling fan in the middle of the room that was spinning right so it's like whirling up all these pets right and even though we can sleep is keeping them awake because you got to think a ceiling fan for a pet that's got to be like you know a [ __ ] tornado going off constantly right we don't think about that you know so i'm [ __ ] laying in the bed thankfully this dog barks every now and then it keeps me company right even though it's outside and then you hear boom boom boom boom boom my buddy's dad walked out there killed the dog right outside the [ __ ] window boom went back to sleep dude same dude that hours earlier have been smelling a young man's hand man same man and that's what blew my mind about the world like how could at one moment a guy be so gentle yeah and then seven hours later be blowing a freaking animal's head open because it was barking you know you have an animal in the woods where it's going to bark you know how much woods is out there you know he probably hears everything they say they can hear everything imagine you're in six times something you'd [ __ ] be angry with you know your neighbor you know four houses over i don't know man i'm high bro first you're talking about incest and you gotta talk about killing dogs we gotta bring me down sorry i'll bring you down that down [ __ ] hot dog [Laughter] why would you do my laundry i'd do my lunch bro if you're really in love with it you should [ __ ] leave a load over there when you go back two days later see if it's cleaned up her mom would have just loved no but the thing is she still lives with her mom her mom would do it oh wow her mom has offered [ __ ] yeah bring it over there fold me on these put starch on them is her mom married to a brother or not have you ever had fun she's a mexican have you ever seen the other starch in my underwear no that's not terrible why do you want to start [ __ ] tremendous feel like an adult yeah [ __ ] makes you feel like you have a checkbook you know it makes you [ __ ] feel good that's what i miss bro but this place was a pet shop it had a pet shop in the front and low-key in the back they was doing you know sexual offers bro but and my buddies they were real perverts you know yeah and i'm in there looking at these [ __ ] parakeets and all kind of parrots cool hedgehogs birds mostly dude it's the [ __ ] jungle bro hedgehogs the [ __ ] out of here dude look it's montana um they had real beautiful animals in there and everybody else is trying to come in the back and i'm trying to catch one of these [ __ ] beautiful parrotlets out dude you don't think you you now now just be that honest do you think you bought a cheap parrot and they got your dick stopped in the back i do remember what happened they had some we went in the back and and i got super nervous and then i left and i didn't i didn't i and then uh what did your buddy say go down did they [ __ ] a toucan or something i don't know how strange you got but the funny thing to me was the parrots knew a lot of english and they would mimic a lot of sexual things they'd heard you know like oh get that bonnie you know and it was so crazy he was a kinder he was a candy [Applause] i think that's what they said after the white guys left white guy cheap dude another time this dude my buddy billy conforto rest in peace bro he died he drove into an uh embankment but he um he used to do pills and everything and we were bus boys together we were co-bus boys even though he was about 35 or 40 you know he looked like don flamenco you know that is from mike tyson's punch out the little italian guy and he's like he looked like that guy but without the roses and about an extra 20 pounds and he was also homosexual but he uh he gave me some pills you know gave me some somas one night or something i think try to maybe take advantage of me i don't remember that's a good thing about pills is you know what i'm saying if you did get molested you don't really have to remember it but i remember uh this girl this hot chick that i knew was at this bar we ended up at and i was like i need a ride home i mean i was i sat in my passenger seat she drove us home while she's driving i vomited all over right and the only thing i remember is we made plans to go to church the next morning so in the morning i come out of my house have no clue how i got home open a car door and there's vomit everywhere except like in the shape of this woman right on the on the front car seat and i went over to church and she was there and she looked at me like i was the devil himself man you barked on this poor girl yeah she's a sweet girl too man and she has children now because i've seen on instagram she have some children do you think you see yourself ever going to church again yeah i would think so i think church is kind of evolving over our time and stuff like that and um would you go to justin bieber's preacher carl lentz you know who he is yeah whoa he texted me actually whoa he's trying to groom you trying to pull you in is he a dark art how low do you wear your shorts huh oh i saw you guys making fun of this root dick yeah that was a little wild huh so you know him i've never met him no you just text each other back and forth yeah we communicate sometimes yeah that's that root dick root but i've never met him but i would go to each other yeah does he try to meet you and you're like not tonight bro you think he's homoerotic no oh no i mean that's a weird way of putting it i think you're homoerotic what bro you're way gayer than me bro you always every time i'm here you talk about jerking off the magical hat we almost wore what about is that a problem it's like you came in here with like gay expectations no i got nothing dude papa murphy's that [ __ ] because you've heard of papa john's right murphy yeah papa murphy's i don't know if they have them in la bandember it's a [ __ ] chain you buy frozen pizza you get your pizza and i don't want to get at home dude i want a real pizza place i want an angry ginger manager yeah i want a couple of i want a black guy who doesn't give a [ __ ] cooking my pizza yeah i want pizza hut okay i don't know what dude i want real bro yeah once i say you king you're stinging it pizza domino's we'll bring two pizzas king at her sting it yeah bro what pizza are dominoes yeah dude domino's is basically two dominoes domino's is like somebody took a can full of pizza flavoring and just sprayed it in a box and brought it to your house [ __ ] pizza pizza hut is real pizza it has pizza in the title pizza domino's a [ __ ] board game yeah like it's selling you pizza hut that's like how obvious is that what should we call it well we we're in a hut we make pizza yeah it's [ __ ] stupid at least they have pizza in the title i don't need that to know they make a delicious product what do you mean domino's obviously not dude it's delicious oh my god bro most people are dying how many skateboards did that haircut come with have you seen his [ __ ] haircut unbelievable yeah both of my seven and five-year-old nephews dude let me ask you with that lesbian haircut do you get a discount on subaru outbacks how does that work are they just enforced green or how does that work dude this haircut's phenomenal i think so i'm not mad at it bro you got virtue this guy's at worst bro oh you're gonna die soon you have aids i'm like i don't have aging like age isn't a big deal dude you shouldn't really be worried about it you know i wasn't worried about don't touch me again yeah man i remember oh puerto ricans you were talking that they used to say uh that's when did you guys oh i was talking about the first mexican kid we had in our town right so we had class with the hamsters right going back to that right the the man mr mr blackwell's class we had the hamsters they let you keep the hamsters after superman got killed no no that was it i just mean it was that same time right everybody would get a different pet we used to play this game where you would like somebody would lay down and you would put a snake on their back or a fake snake on their back right and you would play guess if i have a snake on my back or not right and people would literally bet uh if they did or what they were gonna guess and then sometimes we put this game where you because they had this one rabbit in there that was always falling asleep it's like almost hey you know like uh whatever rabbit narcolepsy kind of is you know he just drifts off you know because it's a rabbit they're not doing much you know and you would set a rabbit on a pile of money you try to pull the dollars out from under them and uh and without waking them up that was like the biggest uh thing we used to do in class before class but the problem but not the problem with the thing that happened was this mexican kid moved in named nick right and the first thing he ever said in class the main was uh in science they also taught you sex ed right so like the first day this kid nick was in there was during the sex head part and he stands up and he goes uh he goes what does pop that cherry mean that's what he said he asked the [ __ ] teacher like it's serious he's gonna be like who just popped that cheering me and then he he ended up banging some girl like in sixth grade right and uh and she broke up with him broke his heart and he he started like rap music and he wore this t-shirt that said nick the rapper that he wrote on it with a marker right but he only put one p in it and it said nick the raper on it the [ __ ] shirt that he wore and they [ __ ] expelled him they expelled him that's racism uh i guess he was mexican but see mexican didn't play a part and he was a bad speller and he [ __ ] was asking stupid questions what does that cherry mean bro bring up another picture of jeff van vondren please from intervention dude we should get jeff van roger on here asking about kratom well just to talk about supplements and how people can get addicted to those i bet he would have a ton of stories yeah he would be fun dude that got me amazing that's a different thing dude holly hole's fighting dude we need to get him on before he dies he is well he just yeah i know he did that he had that gig with monopoly for about 20 years and then he was helping people recover from dope he's got i'm sure uh work at the front of a train for about eight months and then he'll die and that's probably gonna be unfortunate because all the people in the intervention all the therapists are former addicts huh yeah they act better than everyone too no they don't yeah they act like oh yeah they are better but they're only better than people who are addicted that's it it's one step no they throw that [ __ ] in their face i've been there look at me i did it oh look at look at my life all right bro you got a [ __ ] suit on you're obviously here i don't want that for myself they're not bad people they're helping people change yeah they're talking about it so you know what i'm saying like that's what drives me nuts about intervention they're real cocky about it there's a guy shooting a heroine into his nose okay they gotta be cocky about it dude you gotta be comfortable when you're dealing with those things oh it did look like chairman oh damn at least he's in shape oh no i don't like how they throw that [ __ ] in all the attic's face though you know what i'm saying they're not like you got to be willing to cut them off kick them out of the house no money mom are you ready to do that like [ __ ] no that's my son you [ __ ] and then they all go to a radisson and have a big free-for-all in one of the games why they always had a ration i don't know what they're like a ramada in oh people are nice too yeah no yeah it's usually like you're right the wrestling ramada in uh sometimes motel six depending on the guy oh dude motel 666 bro people get gunned down at those all the time ramada has the murder rate at ramada is unbelievable ramada it's either murders or you getting your dick sucked there's no in between dude the third floor of ramada always closed for murder bro there's always a murder it's always there's no more that's where you go dude they had a mint on my pillow one time i thought it was a [ __ ] crack no oh damn great see that's a gift is this a pillow dude i like seeing rare things man they used to have i remember they had somebody called in our podcast and they said uh they'd never seen a black little person before oh like a black [ __ ] yeah and they had one in our town dude and he had these dreads right this dude named uh no dante right no dante yeah and he had these dreads bro and they were he they were so long he would [ __ ] trip over him when he was running bro [ __ ] but he was a [ __ ] g dude yeah and he would play basketball but he would like he would kind of cheat a little bit because it was almost like sometimes you'd almost catch him playing soccer but he was so fast you could barely see it like you would kick you with his feet but since he was short you'd let it slide yeah you let it slide not where i come from but you really go no no no no you can't have that yeah man people i think he was like a town mascot people loved him man i don't know what happened i love how you take calls on your show you just take how how do you filter out dude well i assume there's not too many people calling like talking [ __ ] like you're not getting trolls and stuff no we had a guy a lot of people will have difference of opinion we get some stuff talking stuff different opinions fine but it's know what they're going to call back you're the worst comic ever you [ __ ] suck you hack and then hang up or anything i don't know i haven't i haven't got much of that we get a lot of people crying jerking off we've got a couple of dudes [ __ ] [ __ ] and no leaving voicemails yeah i have to do a cathedral voicemails yeah people leave voicemails and then we play them back oh that's super smart yeah because some of these [ __ ] moocs you can't have them just running no no i figured you got a producer who's controlling it like all right caller seven here we go we got jamie and dallas jamie what do you got for theo i feel i'm here and i'm worried about my boyfriend he's been doing a kind of ton of coke and grew a mullet out and he's starting to act a lot like you and are we gonna make it you know is that like that yeah you're gonna make it at least two years in a row baby you got at least two years in you i guess it's something like that man um yeah it's just people just it's a lot of dudes that are just addicted to jerking off mostly and just struggling so struggling with jerking off all the time bro that stuff's killing people i think don't pet the playboy that's what i'm gonna make a shirt that says that on the back don't pet the playboy dude well the scary part is i start to think is this the best i'mma look you know yeah i'm going downhill myself yeah i got another year before people are like oh [ __ ] shots falling off like a [ __ ] when calen's been falling apart man bless his heart dude i saw him the other day and man i don't know if they're not i mean i thought he was a look like he just went to an early movie he looked like a senior you know and it was just weird i caught him at a glimpse and was like oh wow if the light hits his face right you're like oh [ __ ] yeah tell me to get this guy some jello get someone get this guy a nice warm mask and some cucumbers you know [Music]

Channel: Jdubya

Views: 16,471

Keywords: comedy, theovon

Id: oVNHMa5nwJM

Length: 21min 51sec (1311 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 05 2020